Date with Cents
Date with Cents
How to Stand Up for Yourself While Dating So You Can Attract Men Who Actually Value You
If you're constantly saying yes when you mean no, accepting last-minute cancellations with a smile, or pretending his low-effort bullshit is perfectly fine - you're abandoning yourself and wondering why dating feels exhausting.
In this episode, I'm breaking down what self-abandonment actually looks like in dating, why your "good girl" programming keeps you stuck with men who don't value you, and my S.T.A.N.D. framework that stops you from betraying yourself in real time.
You'll learn how standing up for yourself doesn't scare away good men - it actually makes you magnetic to the ones who want to invest in you properly.
I'll show you how to stop performing for approval and start advocating for yourself so you can finally attract men who pursue you the way you've always wanted to be pursued.
If you're a woman who is ready to stop accepting crumbs and start requiring men's best effort….
It starts with my free training: Attract 3 Commitment Ready Boyfriends in 90 Days.
Happening On: Sunday, September 14th, 2025
Once you register, you will receive a confirmation email with the link to the free training.
What you'll learn:
🔥 The 3-part dating strategy that helps you get pursued by the right men—without chasing, over-giving, or performing for a man’s approval.
🔥 How to meet commitment-ready, high-quality men ANYWHERE—even if you’re convinced they don’t exist in your city.
🔥 How to be unforgettable on dates and in conversation—without doing “the most” or feeling like a “pick-me”
🔥 Why being “a good woman” isn’t enough—and the mindset shift that makes men compete to commit to you.
After the training, we will open the doors to my signature program, Curved 2 Cuffed.
Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at:
@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. So this episode was inspired by the work I've been doing recently with clients in the Curve the Cuff program. We've been doing workshops, I've been creating frameworks for the clients around us because I'm noticing more of a trend that's happening where men are doing things that we get frustrated by, we get annoyed by, we get uncomfortable with, we get pissed off about, and yet we go along with it and yet we play it cool and yet we act like it's not a big deal to him. But behind the scenes we are fuming, frustrated, annoyed, all the things right.
Speaker 1:I had a client recently post into the Curve it Cuff container. She wanted coaching because there was a guy that said something to her it felt like a sexual innuendo. She felt very uncomfortable about it and she came to me really upset about it and then I asked her about her addressing it to him and she didn't. I asked to see like her messages and see how she responded to him and when I looked at it she was just playing it cute and playing it cool. But to me there was like this subtle disgust and even a little bit of anger and like that's incongruent to be speaking to him that way and then coming to me with your frustration. There's a place where you self-abandon yourself and that's what we're going to talk that way. And then coming to me with your frustration. There's a place where you've self-abandoned yourself and that's what we're going to talk about here.
Speaker 1:Maybe you you've, if you're listening, you texted back and forth with a guy, the conversations flowing, you feeling good about it, and then all of a sudden he starts sending you one word answers or low effort, dry messages and in your head you're like are you effing, kidding me? Like these are the kind of response. But then you just continue texting him instead of calling it out, right, because you don't want to seem demanding or difficult. Or maybe you're the girl where the guy you're dating you know he tells you he's going to call you tuesday, and tuesday comes and goes, wednesday, nothing, and then thursday rolls around and you finally get a text good morning queen. And one. Either you are passive-aggressive and like, hey, or you give a dry ass good morning, or you don't respond and you ignore, or you just pick up the conversation where it left off, knowing good and damn well. You were like boy, you said you were going to call me on Tuesday. Right, you knew that if it was important to him he would have called, or he would at least came back with an apology, not good morning, queen.
Speaker 1:Sounded like the Ninja Turtle guy from the Pop the Balloon show and meanwhile you're probably disappointed, frustrated, upset. But you swallow all of that because you don't want to be the woman who quote, unquote, overreacts or or causes drama. This is self abandonment, and when you self abandon, it causes you to entertain men who will not invest in you, who will not show up for you, who will take advantage of you, and it will be very hard for you to attract quality men who can show up for you. Okay, and if you're listening to this, thinking, oh shoot, like that's me, you're not alone. That's why I'm doing this podcast episode. So many of my clients are walking around when they come to me like abandoning themselves daily in their lifestyle, and not just in dating, but also with a boss. They abandon themselves with their parents, with their family and friends. But we start with dating because dating seems to be the most painful experience. That exposes the self-abandonment pattern and once we clean it up there, she starts to see every other place in her life where she's abandoning herself and she cleans it up there. So I am going to basically spend this episode breaking down what's happening when you do this, because it's like why it's sabotaging the connections that you're trying to build with the kind of men that you want, and then I'm going to give you a framework that I created for my clients to stop abandoning yourself, starting today. So, first off, most women are not even realizing the moment of self-abandonment when they do it, because it happens so fast. Right, the energy shifts. You can feel like the energy shift within you. You might shift into feeling upset all of a sudden, or disappointed, or suddenly you get super polite or you say something you don't mean, right, you say yes when you really mean no, and you don't even catch it. And so there are a few ways I've noticed most common ways that I've noticed with my clients that they do this.
Speaker 1:Number one the dry text accommodation. Right, men sending basic responses and not planning dates. Right, men sending basic responses and not planning dates. Right, he's just texting or maybe even calling, right, and we are allowing the man to text us without plans and we are allowing the man to text us whatever he wants to text and we just get frustrated about it. We start talking to our friends about it. We come and complain to Torah about it. Instead of addressing that, we accommodate how this man shows up. Another way is it's an extension of the dry text accommodation.
Speaker 1:The fake flexibility is when you want a man to plan a real date and he's just like okay, yeah, yeah, let's hang out, we can meet up at such and such parking lot, like I know some of y'all might be. You know, laughing or turning your nose up. You will be surprised how many women will pull up and meet a man at a parking lot. I have been guilty of that in my good old days of pulling up and meeting a man in a random parking lot, or even when he's just like oh, we can just chill at my place, you can come over to my place and instead of saying what your standard is or what your expectation is, you either go along with the plan or you get up like you get frustrated and upset about it without addressing the standard. Okay, like yo. I'm actually unavailable for that kind of meetup. What I do do when I'm dating men is this is how I expect men to show up for me when I'm dating them. This is how I expect.
Speaker 1:Or I have women who are the cancel enablers, where the man cancels last minute again with some excuse about whatever who cares right? And then you're like, oh, no problem, you know it's okay, with some excuse about whatever who cares right? And then you're like, oh, no problem, you know it's okay. I understand when you're actually thinking, look, this is some bullshit. You're so focused on being the understanding woman that you completely abandon what you need.
Speaker 1:I remember there was a guy who canceled on me twice. I don't let people get two, three times with me, especially if you're not my man. I don't let you get three times with me. The second time he canceled I said, hey, yeah. He was like, yeah, let's reschedule. I was like you know, this isn't going to work for me. I am not available for men who cancel dates like this, as if there are, you know, tons of emergencies and we're not a good fit. We're not a good fit. This isn't going to work for me, okay.
Speaker 1:And the cancel a neighbor is also the late decks, the late date enabler. He, he will come to the date 30 minutes late and we're just like, uh, I had a client tell me this week. She was like Tora, I'm so guilty, he's just, he's just so fine. And he came 30 minutes late. When I saw him, I just completely, I didn't, I didn't want to say anything. I'm like girl, he's 30 minutes late and yet we let it slide. It's abandonment, right?
Speaker 1:Or I have the anxiety texter. She's the one who's always reaching out first. She's like well, he always responds. He must be interested because he always responds. She's always the one reaching out first. But it's not because she's inspired to connect with this guy, it's because she's anxious about where things stand. She's like okay, all right, let me see if he likes me again. If he responds, he likes me, right. If he has a conversation with me, he's still into me, not realizing that this guy is not even trying to reach out to her. Okay, and this is where this woman, she pretends like she's just being friendly, when she's just trying to control the situation self-abandonment.
Speaker 1:And then the last common one is the boundary dissolver. You got standards, but the moment he pushes against them with some smooth talk, or when he challenges you, you fold immediately. You fold immediately. Okay, you have a boundary around how you want to be talked to and you just let him talk to you. That way, even if you're frustrated. You have a boundary around how you want a man to show up for you, or like how, what you're available for in terms of a man dating. But you know he fine, right, boundary, dissolver terms of a man dating. But you know he, fine, right, boundary, dissolver, this is the ones who be dating these six, five men, boundary dissolvers, y'all. Just let him get away with anything.
Speaker 1:I was just seeing a reel on Instagram recently where a woman tattooed a man's name on her hips and then she showed it to him. He was on his knees looking at it. She was a tiny girl. He was on his knee, she looked about maybe five, she looks fun size, maybe like five, two, five, three, and he was on his knees and he was taller than her, almost damn near taller than her on his knees. And when he stood up, this man had to be six, six, three, six, three ish, maybe six, four, and she's already a fun-sized queen and, like everybody, like people in the comment section, was like girl, I understand, I understand, girl. One girl said girl, I was about to cuss you out, but when he stood up, girl, I get it. Can I tattoo his name too Boundary dissolvers. What's really happening?
Speaker 1:It's like every time you do this, every time you self-abandon, you create a gap between what you feel and what you say, and that's where your confidence goes to die. That is where you're dating how worthy you feel, while dating that dissolves. This is where resentment builds and where you're just like adding up to everything that makes you hate dating. It's where you start feeling like dating is this exhausting performance instead of a genuine connection that you're making with men. You think that you're coming off as the cool, low maintenance woman, but what you're actually doing is teaching men that your needs are optional and you're teaching yourself that your needs do not matter. That's why you should. If you're doing this, you should never be confused why you attract low effort men. You should never be confused why you're always made to feel like you're not a priority. You should never be confused that men do not pursue you for marriage, that men do not make your pleasure a priority.
Speaker 1:Now I understand why so many of us do it. You know most of us. You know high achieving, good girl, women of faith. We've been raised with some version of nice girls. Don't make waves Like we have. We've grown up with some kind of good girl conditioning. Maybe we heard from our parents don't talk back, stay in a child's place when you try to speak up for yourself. I don't know if y'all been seeing these Instagram reels or TikToks where children are really speaking their mind to their parents and they're very, very articulate. And these millennial parents, these Generation Z parents, are actually allowing these children to be articulate versus, like you know, not talking back, and I really think that's a good thing, right. That doesn't mean the child gets to be disrespectful, but, especially for girls, it is. It's going to be life-changing when those girls grow up right, because they're learning to speak up for themselves and set boundaries and naming what's a problem for them. A lot of us listen.
Speaker 1:We went to church. It was all about submission and turning the other cheek right. Maybe it was our teachers. Our teachers was like if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all. You know we've been told you. You just be grateful for what you have. That's the conditioning us high achieving good girls, women of faith, got. We learned early that our job was to make everybody comfortable, that speaking up meant that you know if we were speaking up, we were too grown, we were being disrespectful, that having opinions made us difficult. We learned from a very early age that good women keep the peace, even when it costs them their peace. That's what we learned Even in the Bible.
Speaker 1:When we look at all these stories, the good woman has to keep the peace in order for things to happen. Right, just keep the peace. I mean, we got Hannah bearing can't have a child while the other wife sitting at the table making fun of her right, hannah had to keep peace, just pray. Just pray for her child. Pray to get her child, versus letting that woman know we don't play them type of games. Right, had to keep the peace. Or let her husband know listen, you need to get. You need to get her right Like we've. We've had to keep the peace, we, we.
Speaker 1:We look at Hagar having to keep the peace even though she didn't even have rights in that situation. She was essentially, according to law now statutorily raped because she didn't actually have a right as a slave, right To be taken that way. She had to keep the peace and was sent away, right? So we look at a lot of these stories that we have. We look at Abigail, her husband acting a damn fool, david, go and kill him. Abigail just has to keep the peace and then go be David's wife. Bathsheba, husband, get killed. Y'all really think Bathsheba was just a willing participant, she had to keep the peace. Go with David, david, over here just killing people. And the men get to just kill people and do all this damage and still be seen as a man of faith, as a righteous man. Let me stop. Let me stop. I don't want nobody to feel like I'm attacking their religion. I'm just trying to get real just a little bit.
Speaker 1:Anywho, growing up in the church we got a whole extra layer of women should be humble. Women shouldn't be prideful, messaging like wanting to be treated well with somehow being too much or not walking in love. So now, as a grown ass woman, whether you go to church or not, when a man does something that bothers you all that old programming it kicks in. Right, it didn't go away over the years. That programming is like don't be difficult girl, don't you be ungrateful, maybe you're being too sensitive. You better be happy. Somebody wants you.
Speaker 1:And I'm not trying to say that your family or your church was trying to mess you up. They thought they were raising you right. They thought they were teaching you how to just be a good woman, but what they actually taught you was that everyone else's comfort comes before your own, that being liked is more important than being respected. And what actually happens when you live like that is you end up mad as hell because you keep saying yes when you mean no. You end up frustrated and drained as hell. That's why they were like check on your strong friend. No, strong friend, you need to stop abandoning yourself. That's what you need to do, okay, and men that you're dating, they sense that disconnect. They know you're not really with them. They know you're performing for them and that performance energy pushes away the men you actually want, while attracting the ones who want to take advantage of you.
Speaker 1:The real cost of self-abandonment. Like I just said, you attract and keep the wrong men. When you don't advocate for yourself, you end up with men who are comfortable with you not advocating for yourself. He's like yes, yes, she's just going to do what I want her to do. The men who stick around when you have no boundaries are the one who benefit from you having no boundaries. I just need you to understand that. But the men who you really, really want and desire, have self-respect for themselves and they want their woman to respect themselves. They are attracted to a woman who respects herself. They're like yo, I have to do better, because this woman, this woman, will not allow me to stay here. It reminds me.
Speaker 1:Y'all know Latin Poppy, the prodigal boyfriend who came back. Y'all know I'm so in love with this man. I'm so in love with him and I often want to be with him. I often want to see him, I often want to talk to him, but I don't. I do not Because to me that's the self-abandonment that I'm not looking to have, because he's not. He is not in a state to have that much of access to me. So he messaged me this week and he's like hey, I miss you so much. I want to take you to lunch this week. And I said did you schedule your first? I said you can take me to lunch once you schedule your first session with the new therapist. Did he have that thing scheduled? No, so I was like I'm not going to lunch with you.
Speaker 1:Everything, even though everything in me wanted to be like yes, because I know it's going to be a good time. I know he's going to wine and dine me. I know he's probably even going to bring me a gift. I know he's probably going to take me to the movies afterward. I know he's just going to just make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the entire world. I know I'm going to laugh at all his jokes. He's effortlessly funny. Like I'm even thinking now like, oh my gosh, every time I think about this everyday things he does, I start laughing. I just think he's hilarious. He doesn't even try. But because I'm not willing to self abandon myself to go there, right, I'm letting him know like I'm not, I'm not, I'm not sidestepping that.
Speaker 1:Also, like you stay stuck in situationships that you don't like. There's situationships that make you feel like you can't have what you want Because you can't build what you want on a foundation of abandoning yourself. Every time you say yes, when you mean no, every time you accept behavior that doesn't align with your values, you're building a connection based on lies and that shit will always crumble, girl. Also, when you self-abandon, you lose trust in yourself over time. That's what happened in my marriage. If you go back and you listen to my podcast episode about how I learned how to speak up for myself so that men listen. And then the four lessons I learned after leaving my marriage listen.
Speaker 1:I lost my trust in my marriage because I was told submit and the man leads and his opinion was more than mine. And like when he would tell me things and my stomach got queasy or I felt uncomfortable. I went along with it anyway. Because submission when you consistently betray your own knowing, you stop trusting your instincts. I went along with it anyway. Because submission when you consistently betray your own knowing, you stop trusting your instincts. I stopped trusting it. And now I'm dealing with the fallout. I'm dealing with bad credit because I didn't trust my instincts. I'm dealing with I owe IRS $60,000. And here's the thing I wasn't even making money when this money was accumulated. This is all his money from his business that he didn't pay. But because I was married to him, I owe the money. I know he's not trying to pay it, but I'm not trying to be garnished because I got a bed. I have a bed. I'm still dealing with the fallout because I didn't trust myself.
Speaker 1:Right, you second guess everything. You can't tell the difference between your intuition and your anxiety because you've been ignoring both for so long. It's like clients will come and tell me. They said Tora, tora, I did this and I'm like, why did you do that? Why the hell did you do that? I had a client recently. She came to me and she told me she blocked a guy, she stopped talking to a guy and I was like why she gave me all these reasons and all of it came from fear. Not actual truth or evidence, it just came from fear. And this was a guy that was planning to come visit her for a date and it was sabotage because of her anxiety and not because her intuition.
Speaker 1:But that's what happens when we have not learned to, when we've self-abandoned over a long time. Because she's done it with caregiving, she has self-abandoned herself so much so now she's like she's having to recalibrate her system to trust herself. Also, when you self-abandon, you become resentful and exhausted, especially with dating. You know you putting all this energy into managing his emotions, his reactions, and none into honoring your own truth, and that is exhausting and you wonder why dating feels like a job instead of joy. And then you kill attraction when you self-abandon. Self-abandonment is an attraction killer. When you're disconnected from your own power, when you're performing niceness instead of being authentic, that energy is not magnetic to the men that you want, girl. It's desperate, and desperation repels the kind of men that you actually want. It repels.
Speaker 1:I literally was just talking about this with my clients this week, about how some of the men that I date they, at times they, they describe me as like being mean. Latin poppy was like man. Sometimes I'm like why are you such a bitch? But no matter how they feel about me being mean or a bitch, you know I don't care. They still here. You know, they know how to rise up to the occasion, they know how to show up for me.
Speaker 1:I know big body Benz pissed me all the way to hell off this last week. He pissed me off because he um, you know he cooks for me once a week and when he cooks for me, like I agree that I'm going to go out to his house when he does this, um, I agree to that, but he, he don't live close. He lived like 45 minutes away, right? So I'm like, okay, I'll agree to come to your house, but I want to make sure, like that meal is on point, it's what I want. You know, this is, this is what I want to have. I want this, I want that, cause there's nothing that I can cook myself. I don't know how to cook some of them African dishes that he'd be making. So it's always a beautiful, amazing experience, especially when he has some of his friends over. It's just really great experience.
Speaker 1:So he told me he was going to make me some peanut soup, his special peanut soup. I absolutely love it. And then when I said, hey, you know I'm going to come over, no, when I, when I went out there, he didn't have it. He didn't make, he didn't have it available. And I was like what happened to the soup? And he was like, oh well, I decided to go with this. I was like but you told me it was going to make the soup. You told me it was going to do that. And he was just like well, this is good too. I said that's not the point. You told me you're going to make the soup. I was really excited about it. So he was like I'll make you the soup next time, come back around. He forgot to get the supplies for the soup.
Speaker 1:So when it was come time for my one time, you know to for him to cook for me, said, hey, I don't have the peanut soup. And I say you know what? I'm not coming and I won't be coming over there for a while. I said because I told you last week I didn't appreciate that and people might say well, tori, you tripping, you tripping, it's just soup. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's something that I wanted. It's something that he was clear that I wanted. It's something that he promised me and he didn't follow through. This is bigger than soup and so I said I'm not, I'm not coming over there. You know you. You know you need to figure some things out. I'm not going to be over there for a while because I feel like you're playing in my face by not like two, two weeks in a row. Again, you can call me y'all can listen to this and call me petty, all you want to, but again, this is what it looks like to have standards, even if it's about some damn soup.
Speaker 1:Okay, it starts with soup and if you let this slide, other things are going to slide. I was like I'm not letting this slide and when I told him this, this man made a 180, went and got all the stuff to go make the soup. I told him I still wasn't coming. I said you need to save that stuff for next week. I'm still not coming Right, but he went and got all that stuff. Then he ended up driving all the way to my house. He ended up getting me extra things, supplying them at the house. He knows one of my favorite drinks is either a Pellegrino or a Topo Chico. He made sure to get me a big old thing, a Topo Chico, to be waiting for me at the house. Then he came back, delivered me lunch at my house.
Speaker 1:Like listen, that one little conversation of me not self-abandoning and let him know where I stand. Like I don't play any of that and that makes me feel unimportant. It makes me feel not heard that you would tell me you were going to do something and not do it two weeks in a row. We have a problem. And here's the thing Our one year anniversary is about to come up in a month.
Speaker 1:We've been dating almost a year. Y'all remember when I first made the podcast and when I met him. We've almost been dating a year and I still am not letting shit slide with nobody. Okay so, but again, y'all see, the men are still here with me because setting standards and having boundaries and not abandoning yourself, it is magnetic when a woman respects herself, it is magnetic. When a woman puts her foot down, it's an attraction killer when you let men run all up over you.
Speaker 1:So if you're wondering why you keep attracting guys who do not show up for you, who are not giving you effort, who cancel plans without worry, who keep you in limbo, look at how you respond when they do them things. Look at how you respond. I want you to check your. I even want you to check how you felt when I told you about how I did the peanut soup. If you felt like I was doing too much, your standards are too low. If you felt like Torah, like no, like there's not, your standards are too low. Are you advocating for yourself? Are you advocating? Are you advocating for yourself? Are you accommodating their bullshit? That's what I want you to ask. Are you accommodating their bullshit?
Speaker 1:So I want to introduce you to a framework that I teach my clients in Curve to Cuff called STAND. It's a training that you can find in Curve to Cuff. There's also a worksheet that accompanies it. With the worksheets and working through this yourself, there's also a cheat sheet that you can have on your phone. But I'm going to quickly go through this and if you choose to join C2C, you can have access to the full lesson, the full training and then also the regular coaching that comes along with it, so that you can embody it and not feel anxious around it, so it can feel like second nature.
Speaker 1:But I'm introducing this framework and I want you to understand that this framework is not about controlling how men respond to you. Men are going to respond how they're going to respond. It's about stopping the cycle of abandoning yourself in real time. Okay, men are going to respond how they respond, but you need to make sure that you respond in a way that is beneficial to you. So it's the stand framework. So let's talk about the S in the stand framework basically standing up for yourself, how to stand up for yourself S-T-A-N-D. So the S in the stand is scan for the abandonment moment, because most of us don't even realize when we abandon ourselves. It happens so fast. So I really want you to think about.
Speaker 1:Say, for example, you've been having some conversation with a guy and out of nowhere, he texts something like oh, I bet you look so good naked. Your stomach immediately drops. But instead of acknowledging that gut reaction, you either act playful with it, you ignore it or you know you get passive, aggressive because you don't want to seem like a prude. That is the scan. That's your body telling you that you just left like, you just left yourself. I want you to. I want you to look for it. Look for the moment. Scan for the moment where your stomach drops. Scan for the moment where you, where you felt your throat pop and you didn't do anything about it.
Speaker 1:The T in the stand is tell yourself the truth. Before you try to handle anything with the man, you need to get honest with you, because most of us skip to. You know how do I respond, what do I say next? But if you don't know what's really happening inside, you'll keep making the same moves, right? So, for example, I had a guy recently send me a message. I sent him some pictures and he goes. You know I've already started undressing you and I was like I didn't send those for that. Pick the one you like the best. And he's like did I make you feel uncomfortable? And I'm like it seems to me like my comfort is a priority for you. Is that true? Because don't be asking me a question, because if you ask him a question back, it puts the spotlight back on him. He tried to put the spotlight back on me when I corrected him. That can cause a woman to feel insecure, but you got to put the intention back on him and I was like yeah, it seems like my comfort is a priority for you, is that okay? He was like yeah, like I always. You know, I want, I want you to feel comfortable.
Speaker 1:I'm a wild gentleman and I'm like what, first in my brails, what the hell does that mean? And a lot of women will be, like you know, trying to figure out in the head what it means. Come ask Torah for coaching, come ask France what does he mean? I asked him. I was like what do you mean by wild gentleman? Like what are you talking about? What does that mean Wild gentleman? He didn't explain what it meant. He was just like it. Just, it means I'll go at your pace Again, not really not really being truthful about what was coming about, but just also trying to make me feel comfortable at the same time.
Speaker 1:And so I was like he said I'll go at your pace. I was like good, I'll notice, I'll notice if you go at my pace, right, I'm not letting anything slide. And the truth was I'm like yo, I don't feel comfortable with this. I have not even met you in person, you haven't even sent me a door dash and you already talking about undressing me. Boy, that's wild, all right. So I want you to think about your truth moment. So he might've showed up late, 30 minutes late. The truth moment is this doesn't feel good. I feel like an afterthought. Okay, get clear on it. I felt like an afterthought, but I'm scared if I call it out, he'll think I'm uptight and disappear. I'm scared if I call it out, it'll ruin the date. I'm scared if I call it out, then he might not like me anymore. That's the truth. Be honest about how you're feeling.
Speaker 1:I had a girlfriend where she came late to one of our meetings. She didn't let me know she was going to be late and at the beginning of our friend date I was like hey, girl, you were late here today and I'm just going to give you a heads up. Like I don't like that and if you are late the next time like this, I won't be here after. I think I was like 10 minutes. I'm leaving after 10 minutes. I just giving you a heads up and she was like okay, and we were able. I didn't make it. I didn't, you know, make it out to be a big deal. We, we kept eating. I didn't make it awkward after that. We, we, we enjoyed the rest of our friend date, but I had to tell, I had to say that. Right, tell myself the truth. I'm like if I have lunch with her without saying this, I'm going to be resentful. So get honest with yourself, tell yourself the truth.
Speaker 1:The a and stand is anchor in advocacy. Anchor in the advocacy win. Because a lot of times I'll have clients say, torah, I tried to do what you told me and he got mad, or he said he was not gonna do it, or he's not. And I'm like girl. So the point wasn't to get him to respond the way you wanted to. The point was to state the standard so he can step up or step out. A lot of women like they don't think that they won if they didn't get him to respond the way they wanted him to respond. That's not the win. The win is you honoring what's true for you, regardless of how he reacts, regardless. So maybe you know, if this guy is texting you, what are you doing, what are you up to, and you say, hey, I'm actually completely unavailable for men to send me these kinds of messages. These are the kind of messages that I'm looking for. And then he's just like oh, this is not a big deal Like this, now is not the time to be like, oh, it didn't work. Now's the time to say it absolutely did work. I weeded. I weeded them out. Congratulations to me.
Speaker 1:There's a guy that I recently started talking to. He's been, he's been really busy and we've only had like a FaceTime call or two. And he sent me a message and he was like good morning, how are you? I said I will be amazing. When you put a date on the calendar.
Speaker 1:I lose interest when a man is not intentional about pursuing me. And he was like oh man, I, I overstand. I got this going on, I got that going on. I got this going on. If you, if you, fall back, I overstand. I got this going on. I got that going on. I got this going on If you, if you fall back. I completely understand, and I just heard his message. You see, I didn't waste time with this man and I won. I didn't win Like winning to me isn't? Oh, let me. Let me book a flight now to come see you. Let me, let me squeeze you in. Let me let you know that you're the prize. No winning, was that man? Let me know? Heads up Like yeah, I'm busy, you know I'm. I'm not going to be able to plan that date anytime soon. Good, we're both on the same page.
Speaker 1:So anchoring the wind not how he responds in is, in the end, in the stand network is name one thing you'll do differently the next time, you know, or even today. We're not trying to build your whole personality overnight. Just pick one thing to practice, all right. So again, if you know the last few men that you've dated have called and text with no plans, you need, you need to be practicing your, your response. The last few men that you've dated have called and text with no plans, you need to be practicing your response. Okay, you need to be practicing the different things you're going to be doing. That's exactly what we did this past weekend during the workshop call.
Speaker 1:I had my clients in C2C go into breakout rooms and I gave them different scenarios and if you join C2C you can actually watch the replay and also have the scenario list. I broke them up into breakout rooms. I gave them scenarios of commonly self-abandoned moments, like if a man does something, he says something sexual, he's late to something, you know he's showing a little effort. They went into groups and they all came up with their responses. And then I had someone else in the group have them dig deeper to see if that was the full truth, like what would make it truer. And these girls got even more angrier, like first they gave the good girl answer and then they realizing their body. No, oh hell, no. And they were really surprised about, like how it came up for them, because it's one thing to learn the curriculum, right, it's one thing to be in the work, but actually embodying it and practicing it it brings up so much more. And so they came and it was like Tori, I just feel.
Speaker 1:I got angry, I got mad. I said, good, good, let that inner bitch come out. Let it come out, because your inner bitch coming out is so much more important than you abandoning yourself. It's so much because she's angry. She's angry because she's been disappointed and no one has been hearing her. She's angry because she's been sad and no one's been paying her. She's angry because she's been sad and no one's been paying attention. She's angry because her needs have been not met for so long and so there's rage there. We got to let her get angry a little bit so that we can calm down. But yeah, that's what we practiced this week and it was so good to allow the woman to get angry in the space and that we can help her like practice so that she can show up for herself the next time.
Speaker 1:And then the D in the stand framework is do it messy. Like I said, the inner bitch. You don't need perfect words. You might be mean, your voice might shake, you might stumble. Do it anyway. When you address that lateness, your voice might crack a little, you might feel super awkward. When you address that sexual comment, he might get defensive and say you're being dramatic. And that's still a win because you chose your own truth over his comfort.
Speaker 1:Now, each of these steps has layers to it, specific techniques, deeper questions, ways to practice that build your confidence over time. And that's the work we do together in the Curb, the Cuff program, because knowing the framework is one thing, but implementing it when your nervous system is activated, that's where you need support. Implementing it when you have no idea what you're going to say next or you don't know how to say it. When you get in a certain circumstance, that's where you need to get the support. Now, when you stop abandoning yourself in dating, you don't just feel better. You completely change the type of men who pursue you and how they pursue you. First, the wrong men filter themselves out faster. When you respond to that inappropriate sexual comment with that's not the conversation I'm interested in having with you the guys who were just looking for easy sexual access disappear in good riddance. You just save yourself weeks or months of wondering why he only texts you at night or why every hangout ends up at his place. And I don't care if you're wrong.
Speaker 1:If you felt your stomach drop, address it. I had a client where a guy made a statement to her and she took it as a sexual innuendo and instead of addressing it like she came to vent to me about it and she actually ended up blocking the guy and came to me about it Like she ended up stopped talking to the guy and ending things with the guy. I don't know if she blocked him, but she ended things and when we got to the root of it, she all she needed to do was just address it and that man was so apologetic he called her so fast he was so I had her do it on the phone. We was on the C2C. Uh, success call, a weekly success call. I said, girl, if you don't call that man right now, if you don't leave him a voice note right now, she left it and that man was so apologetic. So standing up for yourself, even if you're wrong, is important, even if you misunderstood, is important, so that you can be on the same page with these men.
Speaker 1:Second quality men step up their game. I'm telling you, I told you what happened with big body men's. The same thing is happening with Latin poppy. Like I'm not, I'm not playing those kinds of games with them. All right, a man who's actually interested encounters a woman with standards, he rises to meet them. When you say I need communication, when plans change a man who wants to be with you, he doesn't get defensive. He starts communicating better. When you don't respond, when you address his low effort, a man who values your attention puts more effort into his messages. That's exactly what happened with Big Body Benz.
Speaker 1:When I told Big Body Benz how I felt he was like, he texted me. He was like baby. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. You know I value you, I prioritize you. Thank you so much for challenging me and helping me see better. And I'm going to be better, like I have all these messages of him sending this, like I'm going to be better over some, over peanut soup, cause it's not about peanut soup, it's about the standard. Right, if you are my, if you are dating me, my standard is you're going to follow through Like you're going to honor my desires and you're going to follow through on what you said. Those are two important things, okay. And then he went above and beyond the whole week. Y'all know this man don't dance, right, he's so shy and every time I ask him to dance like he's really shy. He has to, like, get a little alcohol in his system to really feel comfortable dancing out in public. A little bit he's so shy. But y'all, this man sent me a video of him dancing after all that and he was so cute. He had those little shorts, showing me all that thigh meat, has a little shirt off. Yeah, I was like, oh, I need to yell at you more often. Come here, boy, come here and I'm still not coming over there today, but come here.
Speaker 1:Third, when you start getting pursued. No, when you stop abandoning yourself, you start getting pursued properly. When you stop chasing men through your people pleasing and your accommodation, they start coming for you hard, hard Again. I get told I am mean. These men say that I act like a bitch sometimes, but they pursue me properly, okay. Also, you attract men who want to invest in you because when you stop accepting last minute plans from men who like to make them without considering your schedule, you get men who plan real dates. When you stop entertaining low effort as good morning messages, you get men who send you good morning messages attached with restaurant reservations. When you stop accepting men who show up late to dates, you start attracting men who calls you Uber and he is already at the date before your Uber arrives for him to open up the door for you. Okay, you get more options. That's what happens when you stop abandoning yourself you don't just avoid the wrong man, you become irresistible to the right ones.
Speaker 1:So here's what I want you to do this week, girl I want you to stop paying attention. I mean, start paying attention, my bad girl. Start paying attention. I want you to notice the moments when your stomach drops when the energy shifts, when you start getting upset, when you're about to say something you don't mean, just notice it. You don't have to fix everything at once. Excuse me, I want you to pick one small situation Again. Maybe it's the sexual innuendos, maybe it's the asking you to come to his house. Maybe it's the one who makes plans and cancel them. Maybe it's the person who ignores the question you asked him and then come back talking about good morning. Queen, like you ain't just ask it. Practice responding from your truth instead of your fear, and it doesn't have to be perfect. Your voice might shake, you might stumble over your words, but every time you choose yourself over their comfort, you're building something real, not just for yourself, but for your legacy. Your legacy is going to learn from how you stand up for yourself. It reminds me of last night.
Speaker 1:I was talking on the phone with one of my besties. Well, I was leaving her a voice note. We were talking back and forth. He was washing dishes. I had no idea he could hear me, because the kitchen is pretty far from the room. It's pretty far from the room and I just heard him start laughing and smiling and I was like what the hell are you laughing at? He said you. I said how the hell you can hear me really good because he's blind. Basically, his glass like he has, you know, his vision is terrible, so he wears glasses. I think that gives them, you know, super hearing strength people who can't see that well. But any who he was laughing, he said mom, like that, talk your shit, mom, talk your shit. He was just like. He was like from you, I'm learning from you of like what I stand for and what I don't stand for, and I just love the fact that he's able to experience that through me he's able to see, like the different men who take me out on dates. He'll be like Ma, what you doing today. I said I'm going on a date. He said that's what I'm talking about, ma, right, so build something real for yourself, build something real for your future generations to learn from you.
Speaker 1:And now, one thing that I have learned as a coach knowing the curriculum is one thing, knowing this framework is one thing, but actually implementing it is another, especially when your nervous system is activated and you're scared the man might say something or leave. That's where most women need support and that's one of the biggest reasons why I created Curve the Cuff Because you can listen to my podcast all the time, you can nod all along, you can come to my DMs and Tora oh my gosh, this episode was so great and then, three months later, you in my inbox like, like girl, I'm still doing the same shit. It happens all the time, because knowing what to do and actually doing it it's a completely different thing. All right, that is why, um, in curve the cuff, we practice the actual conversations, we role play. We allow you to get your nervous system regulated enough so that it's second nature of you telling that man what you need to tell him, until it doesn't feel scary anymore. We work through what to do when he shows up late and when he sends them random low effort texts or when he tries to turn your dinner date into Netflix.
Speaker 1:All right, you'll come to the C2C sessions stressed about dating, second guessing every gut feeling and stuck in the same patterns. But you'll leave these sessions trusting yourself again. You'll leave these sessions not trying to go ask your friend for advice that don't have the love life that you want, right? You stop wasting months wondering where you stand with someone because the men either step up fast or they step out and you finally feel like you deserve someone's best effort instead of just being grateful for whatever they give you. Dating becomes something you actually enjoy instead of something that drains you. So if you're interested in joining Curve to Cuff, go to the link in the show notes. There's either a link for you to join my free training, where I will introduce C2C, or the enrollment link to join. So just go on the show notes.
Speaker 1:Your power isn't how a man responds to you. Once again, your power is in how you respond to yourself. When you stop abandoning yourself, you stop accepting crumbs, you start advocating for yourself, you attract men who want to show up properly and not just get by with the bare minimum. So start today, girl. Start small, start messy, but start standing with yourself for yourself, because you deserve to attract men who actually want to choose you Right, and that starts with you choosing you first. Now go practice, girl, until next time. Bye.