Date with Cents
Date with Cents
I Hired a Dating Coach (Here’s Why)
I hired a dating coach even though I literally AM a dating coach, and people are confused as hell about why I'd do that.
If you're embarrassed about needing help with dating, this episode breaks down why investing in dating support- especially when you think you don't need to - separates extraordinary results from just good enough.
I'm sharing the conversation that made me realize I was "undercoached," why I invested $24,000 to level up my skills, and how focusing on becoming the woman who naturally attracts what she wants changes everything. You'll learn why being ashamed of wanting support keeps you stuck with the same disappointing patterns.
I'll show you how to stop settling for good enough and start believing extraordinary love is actually possible for you.
If you're a woman who is ready to stop being embarrassed about needing help and start getting the dating results you actually want?….
It starts with my free training: Attract 3 Commitment Ready Boyfriends in 90 Days.
Happening On: Sunday, September 14th, 2025
Once you register, you will receive a confirmation email with the link to the free training.
What you'll learn:
🔥 The 3-part dating strategy that helps you get pursued by the right men—without chasing, over-giving, or performing for a man’s approval.
🔥 How to meet commitment-ready, high-quality men ANYWHERE—even if you’re convinced they don’t exist in your city.
🔥 How to be unforgettable on dates and in conversation—without doing “the most” or feeling like a “pick-me”
🔥 Why being “a good woman” isn’t enough—and the mindset shift that makes men compete to commit to you.
After the training, we will open the doors to my signature program, Curved 2 Cuffed.
Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at:
@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. This episode a little bit more of my personal tea. This is not new news to some, and to some of you it's very new, especially those of you who are not clients or you don't follow me closely on social media. I know some of you just listen to the podcast and if you're, if you're just a podcast listener, you um, yeah, you more than likely don't know. But, yeah, this is not new information. But I'm like you know what? Let me, let me go ahead and share on the podcast. I've been wanting to share on the podcast for a while, but you know some of the stuff y'all been going through. I'm like I don't need to talk about this now. Let's talk about this because these people need help in this area. And so, yeah, I hired a dating coach, your dating coach hired a dating coach. And I know, as I say this, some of you guys are like Scooby-Doo, like what? And you know, I don't blame you for having your ears perked around and being confused, but by the end of the episode you're going to definitely understand exactly why I did it and why investing in yourself at every level, especially when you don't think you need to is what is separate extraordinary from just good enough. Okay, I'm going to be sharing some things that are going to completely shift about, like how you think about growth, how you think about your standards and also what's possible for your love life. So go ahead, girl. You know, if you're in your car, get comfortable. If you are just sitting down, grab your drink, get comfortable down. Grab your drink, get comfortable.
Speaker 1:But before I get into my story of me hiring a dating coach and my reasons why, I want to call out something that I see consistently with women who find me, with women who even hire me, spend thousands to work with me, y'all are embarrassed about needing help with dating. You're like even people who spend money with me and become clients. Those are some of my most resistant clients. Those are the clients that are the hardest to get to do. The work is because you spend all this money. Hardest to get to do the work is because you spend all this money. And then you're resentful about even having to hire a coach because you think somehow it means you're failing. You think somehow it means that something's wrong with you and it's embarrassing and that you shouldn't have to do that because other women don't have to do it, and I'm like girl, girl it's.
Speaker 1:You know, what's wild to me is that you'd rather be embarrassed by your dating life. You would rather your dating life. You would rather your dating life be embarrassing, because let's just keep it a hundred nine times out of 10. If you've been a long time listener to this podcast, your dating life there's some, there's a lot of it's embarrassing. It's not where you want it to be. You know, if you, you, you are not where you want to be in your dating life.
Speaker 1:It's wild to me that you'd rather be embarrassed by the type of men that you keep attracting. That that should be. You'd rather be embarrassed by that than hire a dating coach. You would rather be embarrassed by what you accept from men. Then hire a dating coach. And you would rather be embarrassed about having a dry, dusty dating life where you do everything alone. You live your life day to day with no one coming to make your life easier. You would rather have that kind of life. You'd rather be in that state than hire a dating coach. Even the ones who, who I'm, the ones who come to pay me. You know I've, I've already told you this to your face. Okay, the math is not mathing. The math is not mathing. It's not mathing. And dating is something that comes a lot more naturally to me. It's like it's integrated and embodied. And I still invested in a coach because I don't want to be like other women you know I hear y'all talking about.
Speaker 1:Well, other women don't have to do. I don't want to be other women. I want to be the crumb of the crumb. That's what I want to be. I don't want to be someone who, like, who feels like oh man, I'm glad I'm married, cause I don't want to be out there in the dating pool. I want to be able to leave whenever I want, not to say I want to get married, just to leave. What I'm saying is I need that man to know that I'm with, that like I need to be treated a certain way or I'm willing to walk away, not like trying to hold on to something right. I don't want to be like other women, like if their husband passes away, they ain't gonna know what to do with themselves. I don't want to be like other women. I look at other women in my family. If a husband dies, they single for the rest of their life, and by single I mean also manless. You know they may have a friend come through every now and again, but that friend ain't even paying bills. You know he not making her life easier. I don't want to be like other women.
Speaker 1:I don't know why we were so obsessed with like other women don't have to do it. Why you want to be like other women with no skills just happened to run into they man and it happened. They happened to get married and if it doesn't work out they wouldn't know what to do again. Or being like other women who ended up marrying men who just get free labor out of them, that don't help around the house, that don't really help rear the kids, like why and this is coming from someone who was married and have and I have a huge, I have women come to me all the time in marriages right now who follow me on social media, who are always in my DMs. I know married women right now who will post oh my gosh, my husband, my rock, happy anniversary. I know what's going behind the scenes of those marriages and I'm like girl, why, why are you trying to fool other people? Y'all be comparing yourselves to these women, other women, other women, other women is not telling you that they didn't want to have that fifth child with that man. They, they, they actually have resentment for that child because they had another child with their husband they didn't want to have. You know, I have women telling me my husband is not doing 10% of the things I see these men doing for you on social media, not doing 10% of those things.
Speaker 1:Other women. I'm going on a tangent, but I'm just trying to ground you a little bit. I know you ain't come here for this, but you need it, you need to hear it. Okay, I just need you to kind of kill some of that shame right now, because it's keeping you in a dusty dating cycle, it's keeping you from being well-loved, it's keeping you from being adored. I need you to stop. I need you to stop right now and adopt a thought, as I don't want to be like other women. I don't want it to just happen for me. I don't want it to just land in my lap and I don't got no skills to either one hold on to it, to enhance it. Three, to walk away from it, if I need to be, if I need to walk away from it, or have the skills to require. You know how many women are still coming to me like well, you know how do? How do I get a man to show up for me like that, ma'am, you done made him your boyfriend. Why did you even make him your boyfriend? He couldn't show up for you like that Because you don't got skills, because you want to be like every other woman. But I'm sharing this episode about how I hired a coach. I don't want to be like another woman. I don't want to be.
Speaker 1:So let's rewind. Take you back to April of this year. I'm in Washington DC at a business event with one of my business coaches. Many of you already know who she is. She's she's my crush. Her name is DL Charron. She's really changed the way I do business and even my life, like how I think about my life, because of her, and I'm always telling my clients hey, work with her, work with her, work with her Um.
Speaker 1:And so we we had just um finished recording a podcast interview together before her conference, and so we were back. We were in the back of an Uber, headed back to our hotel, just decompressing from the event, and so while we were in the Uber, dl looks at me and she has this mischievous smile and she's like girl, I'm absolutely loving your Instagram stories. You know she's a married woman. She's one of my married crew that watches me. She's like this whole telenovela between you know, this guy and that guy and that poppy Big Body, benz, that has me glued.
Speaker 1:So who are you choosing? And y'all know I've been very transparent about dating these men and, at the time, like both of them wanting exclusivity, both bringing different things to the table. And I just looked at her and I said, honestly, I don't think I'm choosing anybody. I don't think that's where I'm at right now. I've sat down, I've considered it and I don't think that's where I'm at right now. And those of you have listened to my episode of why I'm choosing not to go exclusive because I kept telling y'all oh, I'm going to choose somebody, I'm going to choose somebody. And y'all listen to that episode so you're clear as to why. So you're clear as to why. And yeah, I do want to be in a relationship someday. Yeah, I want to be married.
Speaker 1:It's so funny because you know I've had people accuse me of not wanting to be in a relationship, or people coming and accusing me of of not wanting monogamy, like, oh, I just think you're, you just want to be poly, and blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I want marriage. I even want a child or two. And it's not that like they look at these men and they're like, oh, these men are amazing, why wouldn't you choose them? And I will never settle for less than extraordinary, especially after the marriage that I had. Just because I want those things, just because I want marriage, just because I want a kid, just because I want a relationship, I will never go into a relationship just because I want those things. I need y'all to understand that the desire to want those things are not the same as the decision to have those things. I'm going to say it again the desire to want those things is not the same as the decision to have those things. I have the desire to have those things, but the decision will not be made until my standards are filled, until my expectations are filled for that position.
Speaker 1:Typically, what happens is that a lot of us women, especially as high achieving women of faith who we were told God was going to send this stuff to us Our desire is so big for those things that we just accept the first thing that comes to us that feels good. Feels good. I don't give a damn what feels good Like I'm supposed to feel good. Men are supposed to make me feel good. I don't give a damn what feels good Like I'm supposed to feel good. Men are supposed to make me feel good. That's the. That's the bar. You're supposed to make me feel good.
Speaker 1:And when we start feeling good with them, I'm like oh my gosh, I'm going to make the decision with this guy because I have the desire to have it. I'm going to make a decision with this particular person because I have the desire to have it, and I think that's ass backwards. Make a decision with this particular person because I have the desire to have it, and I think that's ass backwards. I think and I know a lot of us, because we have not been taught how to date and we feel like we're on borrowed time. Oh my gosh, my eggs. Oh my gosh, I want a family. My fibroids are getting bigger, like all these types of things.
Speaker 1:We choose to make a decision because of how high our desire is. I have a high desire for that, but I will not make a decision to take that on until there is one man that fulfills the standards and expectations that I have for my level of relationship. I'm a high level player at this point. Level of relationship I'm a high level player at this point, so it would have to be at that high level of relationship and at the level that where I'm at right now, my standards have evolved dramatically. The men that I'm dating now two years ago I probably would have already gone exclusive and got married by now and built a beautiful life. I probably would have, because you could do it with either one of these men. I think the average woman would feel incredibly grateful and blessed, which makes sense, right, because we're all at different levels of standards and expectations Doesn't mean one is better than the other. It just means that that's where. That's where we're at.
Speaker 1:Okay, I could have probably built a beautiful life and it would have felt beautiful with my level of growth two years ago, but now I have grown even more. I have increased my standards even more. They'd have to put in significantly more work and one man would need to cover everything that multiple men are currently providing me Okay, at one time, the level of adventure, the level of care, the level of nurturing the level of emotional availability, the level of providership Okay, even more, like I want higher level of providership, the level of being cultured, like they would have to match these things in order for me to be like okay, I'm letting this go. You know, that's where I'm at right now. So, anywho, back to the story.
Speaker 1:I want to on another tangent. When I told her I'm not choosing anybody and that's where I'm at right now, because she was watching my stories, she says, like her face changed and she tilted her head and she says I think you're undercoached. I said what girl? What, what? She said undercoached. I was like undercoached. I'm like what? Where in the world does that even mean? She was like, yeah, you're undercoached. Think about it. What's your next move if you're not going exclusive with either of them? What's your strategy for stretching yourself to that next level that you keep talking about?
Speaker 1:And so, for those of you who listen to why I didn't go exclusive, that podcast episode, you know I talked a lot about like, my next level of being, like that next level of freedom, I'm having the next layer of dropping the good girl. The more wildness I want, the more creation, like I want to be more creative and and and expansive and more elevated, like I, I'm like okay, now that I'm not going exclusive, this is where I want to go with my life, this is where I want to go with my love life. And I want to go with my love life and she was like, yeah, what's your next move if you're not going exclusive with either of them? What's your strategy for stretching yourself? And y'all, I'm sitting there realizing, you know, shoot, I didn't have a clear answer because, of course, I can wing it, that that's always an option. Winging it I will. I've won.
Speaker 1:I don't know if that's a word, but I've wung quite a few things in my life and I knew I wanted to challenge myself. I knew I wanted to see what I could accomplish in my love life beyond what I've already achieved. I mean, I'm already dating the kinds of men that most women dream about, but I wanted more, and so and when I say more, I mean more for myself. When we think about dating, we typically have this focus on the man. I just be wanting to pop y'all hand, like girl. I'm sorry if I yelled in your ear, but I just, girl, I'm popping your hand.
Speaker 1:You worry about the man too much and this is why you're not getting the man that you want. Too focused Focus should be on yourself, and I want it more from me, because when you get more from you and more out of you, the man just rise to the occasion. When you're externally focused, oh man, I want this kind of man, I want this kind of man. I need this kind of man. I need this kind of man to want me. I need this kind of man to approve of me. Oh my gosh, this man doesn't want me. Boo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Oh. To approve of me. Oh my gosh, this man doesn't want me. Boo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Oh my gosh, when you think like that, the men you want don't want you back because you've pedestalized them and not yourself. And pedestalizing yourself is the it's like a foundational step in getting in the frequency of the men who are going to treat you like a queen.
Speaker 1:So, anyway, I'm sitting there realizing I didn't have a clear answer for her.
Speaker 1:I knew I wanted to challenge myself.
Speaker 1:I knew I wanted to see what I could accomplish in my love life beyond what I'd already achieved, especially since I wasn't going to marry any of those guys.
Speaker 1:Why not? Like a lot of women. They feel like, oh, I'm not in a relationship, I don't know what to do with my life. I know what to do Get better, push myself harder, challenge myself to be extraordinary. And she hit me with you need support in this area. You need a mentor or something so that you can have guidance on what your next moves are. And so at first I was like a mentor, a dating coach. I need a coach, but I am a dating coach. That's how I was thinking to myself. Right, I didn't even say that aloud to her, I just sat there with her. You know, for my coaches, I am very good at not rejecting what they say to me at first, because coaches often have perspectives that you have no idea why. You don't understand it yet. But then it like hit me with like a lightning bolt and like within like seconds Like coaches hire coaches all the time. Business coaches hire business coaches all the time. Hell. You know, I, like most of my business coaches, have business coaches. I actually do not work with business, to be honest all my business coaches because I don't work with business coaches who don't have business coaches. I actually do not work with business, to be honest all my business coaches, because I don't work with business coaches who don't have business coaches. I just don't, you know, and they all have business coaches. They may specialize in different areas, but they're all under the umbrella of business.
Speaker 1:And then DL, like she went further and she looks me in the eye and she was like I see you dating so elevated, you know very wealthy men. I see you dating ambassadors. I see you dating princes in other countries and y'all, like you know that gave me all the chills, because you know Saudi, one of the men that I was dating in my rotation. He was literally connected to royalty. You know, he lived in the palace with the prince and she was speaking things that I was already close to on the frequency, and so it took a minute to let that information settle in my body. And then I got so excited, like I got so excited in that Uber, I could barely contain myself. I was like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I'm going to hire somebody, I'm going to hire a coach, and y'all, I didn't waste no time. I didn't waste no time as soon as that Uber stopped, like, well, before that I was like I know exactly who I'm going to hire. I told myself in my brain. The second I decided I was going to hire someone. I know exactly who's going to be.
Speaker 1:She had been in my orbit for about two years Two years, I think. So, yeah, professional in a professional way. We had a friendly relationship. We follow each other on Instagram. She'd even invited me to speak to her community Once. We had exchanged phone numbers, emails, but I had never once considered hiring her. Well, it's no shade against her, I just never considered hiring anybody. And when? It's so funny because when I first discovered her work a few years ago, I literally clutched my invisible pearls.
Speaker 1:This woman teaches other women how to use men to build their businesses, and when I say use, I mean like it's leveraging, strategically leveraging men that they need the connections to build their businesses. She says use because it's polarizing and it makes people think it's not misusing these men, but it's like very polarizing. And so when she talks about use men for money, there's people in the comment section like, oh my gosh, this is horrible. Why would you want to use a man for money? You're a gold digger, blah, blah, blah. I just think it's hilarious. But yeah, I clutched my pearls. By the way she talked about. It was so unapologetic, it was so like in your face and, as a recovering good girl, that can trigger something into you, especially growing up, living in poverty where your father isn't really providing that level of resources in your life, right, you can't even ask your parents right now for that level of resource. And so thinking about leveraging a man for his money and dating for a lifestyle y'all already know I don't like. I've been taught before.
Speaker 1:When I was married, I talked about not marrying for love. I still believe in that. I do not believe in marrying for love. I don't think that's a smart reason to get married. You can always like I'm in love now I don't need to get married to have this love, okay. But I do need to get married if I want a structural way for generational wealth, to raise a family, to create a partnership that will enhance assets and business, like, that's important to me, and marriage is the best vehicle to do that. Do that and but for love hell, no, me. You can love each other, but no, I don't need to marry you, you know, because I love you and so right. So dating for dating for a lifestyle that's not how a lot of women think and even like, even though I don't believe in marrying for love, dating for a lifestyle, even felt confronting. You know it felt confronting and for those of you like, well, tara, you keep talking about it, who is she?
Speaker 1:Her name is Coach Lee talitha trope. You can find her on instagram, sweet to elite s-w-e-e-t. Number two elite l-e-l-i-t-e. Many of you already know who she is because you've seen me post about her. She was. She was on my uh hot girl summer activation calls as well. She's introduced herself there when I first hired her.
Speaker 1:Some of you guys already know who she is. Some of you guys have already started following her, buying some of her products. I know I had one client. She was like Tora, I mean, I love this one, but I'm not ready for this woman. Like, I'm just going to continue learning through you, because she's a bit, she's a lot for me right now. I'm not at that stage, which makes sense, um, but I um. So any who going back to you know her using men for money and dating for lifestyle. I'm like, oh, okay, I'm going to hit her up. I've seen her content. We are cordial. I think she could be my next level.
Speaker 1:The thing is, though, I don't need to use a man to build my business. I already have a multiple six figure business that's being scaled to a $1 million business, so I don't need a man to help me build anything. Financially I don't like. What I need is I'm recognizing her skill set and all of that her ability to think strategically, to see possibilities that others can't and to operate at a level where most people would call delusional, and that's what I wanted access to. I'm like I get people using men to build their business financially.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to build a dating life that fits the new lifestyle that I'm looking for and that could lead me to the relationship that I'm looking for for partnership, and that's exactly what I help my clients develop too, like the strategic mindset, the ability to see what's possible behind what everyone thinks is realistic. I am just at another level where I want my realistic to be someone else's like someone else's, unrealistic. I want that to become my, my realistic. I want my current realistic to just be my new unrealistic realistic. I hope that makes sense. Unrealistic, realistic I hope that makes sense. So she's $24,000.
Speaker 1:I paid $24,000 for six months and we started working together in June, but we just started the dating specific work in August, so it's September now. So we worked with business. What June? And then some of July? And what's amazing about it is that, you know, I know some people look at my dating life and think, girl, like what more do you want? You're already dating amazing men. Some people, like I said, do you want? You're already dating amazing men. Some people, like I said, some people have accused me of not really wanting commitment because they can't wrap their head, heads around my standards. I have people DMing me now saying, like you know, why don't you just go ahead and marry? I don't understand. I don't understand. I'm like, cause that's the bar girl I recently just posted in my stories about how Big Body Ben the Latin poppy were at like came to my house to like during my sickness to deliver me things.
Speaker 1:He made shots from freshly juiced immunity shots for me, delivered it, and he also bought. He cooked me a meal, an easy, digestible meal, and then he laid down with me for an hour on the couch and then Latin poppy bought me oranges two days in a row I ate through that bad boy and then my favorite drinks, top of Chico and some medicine. He bought me over some medicine and he was able to do that. And then the favorite drinks Tapachico and some medicine. He bought me over some medicine and he was able to do that. And then the newest guy in my roster was able to send things to me. He's actually not someone that I'm like. Rotation members can come to my house. Roster members cannot. That's just where I'm at right now. So it was amazing experience and that.
Speaker 1:And then women are like well, why aren't you just choosing one Like this is husband material? And I'm like no, it's the bar. And before you come to me talking about greedy or ungrateful, I just want you to check yourself for anyone who's listening to this and it feels really hard to hear. If you think my standards are unrealistic about what I'm looking for, nine times out of 10, you don't have what you want in your own life. If you don't think I can have what I'm asking for past what I already have, I can almost guarantee you're struggling to get what you want now. Okay. And if you do have sort of what you think you want, if you, if you lost it tomorrow, you wouldn't know how to get it back. People who have extraordinary love don't question other people's standards. They celebrate with them. I just want to let that land in your body the next time you want to, unless, like the next time, you think about questioning someone's standards not just mine, but anybody else you see, whether they're like oh, I only date rich men or only date this, I need you to sit with that, okay. But anywho, back to why I hired my coach.
Speaker 1:Reason one I want to go from dating deliciously to dating delusionally Like. I already date deliciously. I enjoy dating, the excitement, the discovery, hell. You know, the challenges in dating teach me something. It's it's exciting to navigate the challenges and come out like Layla Ali I mean, that's a rocky song, but you know what I'm getting at. Like it feels amazing to be able to hold to a standard, like, and even if a guy goes me, even if a guy you know tries to belittle me, I'm like Tora, you stood with yourself. You're such a queen. You're such a queen. You don't let these men knock you off your high horse. Keep riding that high horse, girl. You don't let these guys knock you out. That's amazing, tora. He ghosted you, damn right, you wasn't going to settle for that shit. I get excited about the challenges, but what I want to graduate now is to what I call delusional dating.
Speaker 1:I want to operate at a level where people think I've lost my mind for believing what I can attract. Where they think I am certifiably insane for the standards that I hold. Where what I'm calling in seems so impossible that people question if those men even exist. Like Tor, I don't think you can get that in one man. Oh, don't be down my standards, girl. I don't care. I don't care that the fact that I don't feel like I've ever met that person yet, I don't care. It's my standard.
Speaker 1:I believe if it's in my body to have, if it's a desire, it is available to me. I believe if God put it in my heart to have, god is going to bring it to fruition as I hold the intention for it. When I finally choose my person this is my vision when I finally choose my man, that man will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he cannot play with me, the level of experiences I've had, the caliber of treatment I've received, the crumb to the crumb crop situations I've been in. He'll understand that keeping me requires showing up at 100% because I will leave if he doesn't keep that standard. He will know that's my vision for myself, that I've created all these amazing experiences for myself while dating, these delulu experiences that come to fruition, that when this man steps up and he wants to marry me, he's like yo.
Speaker 1:I have to date her every day. I have to show her that she's the queen every day or she's going to leave because she's had better, she's had so much. I can't just be slipping and also I'm looking for a ripple effect. I want to date so delusionally that every woman in my space automatically levels up her own standards just by watching me, just by being in my space. I want them thinking if Tora can do it, this regular, average black girl from poverty who was homeless and divorced, a single mom, if she can elevate and attract that level of man, then who are me to not have it? Who are me?
Speaker 1:In my Andrew Caldwell voice, I want my clients telling their friends stories about my dating life, their dating coach and people responding with you're lying, that's not real, that didn't happen, she's lying and my clients have all the receipts of the truth. Okay, I want that. I want that skill. I want that level of skill to create that level of outcome. But see, here's where most women are getting it completely wrong. Y'all be so focused on the outcome instead of building the skills to have it. You want the relationship, the ring, the commitment, but you haven't developed the internal foundation to attract and keep that level of man. You haven't built the level of skill. It's like trying to pop a wheelie on a bike when you haven't even learned to ride without training wheels.
Speaker 1:My ma'am, my ma'am, I'll be having clients come to me and they're like why did? I went on a date and he didn't call back. Oh my gosh, I've been on three dates already and none of it's working out. Why is it not working out? Oh my gosh, I've been on the dating apps all this week and I just didn't have a match that I was excited about. Oh, I've been dating this guy for three weeks and now he's starting to be busy. And why isn't this work Girl? Why the hell you so desperate for it to work out? Why aren't you trying to learn about yourself? Why aren't you using this as data? That's what I do.
Speaker 1:Whenever I don't get what I think should have happened or get what I want, I'm like what skill do I need to develop? What skills do I need to work on? Or I celebrate myself. I either think about the skill that I need or I celebrate myself. I'm like ooh Torah. Yes, this man. He stopped talking to you with a quickness because your standard is so high. You don't let them play in your face, girl. He has to leave, he has to go. Oh, he didn't call you back after that date. Girl, you are very clear about your expectations.
Speaker 1:This week I got unmatched on Hinge. I was very direct with the man. He said let me pull out my phone and pull up what this man said. I actually showed my coach today. This man was like let me see where is it. It was so funny. He's going to say what's up, gorgeous, busy Monday. And I said hi, handsome Monday's been busy, which makes me realize I need some fun on the calendar. If I left that up to you, what would you plan?
Speaker 1:That man unmatched me in 10 minutes and this was 10 o'clock at night. When I sent this message, he unmatched the shit out of me. Did I say, oh my gosh, it's never working out. Every time I meet a man that I'm excited about, it doesn't work out and it just isn in working for me. These men are charms like oh, I'm so sorry, honey, I'm so sorry that you like I, that my standards are so high that I'm looking for you to be intentional, and you should have read my match note. You wouldn't have been surprised about my level of directness. I'm extremely direct. You wouldn't have been surprised about my level of directness. I'm extremely direct. And he immediately unmatched.
Speaker 1:I didn't even say nothing crazy. I just expected some level of directness there of like, oh, you need to be intentional when you're talking to me. You're going to inbox me on an app talking about busy Monday. What the hell do you want with me? I'm going to show you what you should want with me. And I was so proud of myself when he unmatched my suit. I was like Tori, you're so great. And here's the thing I'm not even upset about him unmatching me. Number one, my standards are high. And number two, a man like that that bows out after something so direct and intentional, he's not going to show up the way you want him. Anyway, he would probably pissed me off. If I would have had a date with him. He probably would have pissed me the hell off. I'm glad he's gone right now. Anyhow, I want y'all, like y'all, be focusing on not getting y'all outcome. And it's so wild to me because every single time I date somebody, every single time I match with somebody, like I learned so much about myself. It doesn't even have to go anywhere, it can be 24 hours. And I'm like, wow, tori, look at that, look how much you learned. Let's try something else, let's experiment.
Speaker 1:I was on a call with my coach today. We were talking about elevating my style, cause she thinks my style is she doesn't think it's bad, but she thinks it's kind of whack, which is fine. She created me a mood board, but anyway, she wanted to see my hinge messages and I was like, yeah, I'm experimenting with something she was reviewing. She was like, okay, but if you don't get matches or if you're not on a date within the next week, we're going to have to switch things up. I was like all right, I'm experimenting, I like to experiment. Sweet, we're going to have to switch things up. I was like all right, I'm experimenting, I like to experiment. She was like I'm glad that you're using your own flavor instead of like trying to like do things. You know just my way. And I'm like, yeah, I love that. I get to do that too, like I have my coach, but I love experimenting. I love trying out new things, and so I'm just trying a new way to speak to men on the apps.
Speaker 1:Anywho, I don't understand y'all so focused on making things work with the man instead of just working on your skills.
Speaker 1:I get it. You want the man. I'm telling you you will get him quicker if you focus on yourself and the skills. It's like losing weight. You want to lose 50 pounds. You want to use 20 pounds. You are not going to get there just focusing on the weight every day. Oh my gosh, I'm 20 pounds. Oh my gosh, I'm not 20 pounds yet. Oh my gosh, how come? No, you're going to get there extremely quick by working on the skills. Oh, my skill of meal prep, my skill of counting calories, my skill of strength training, my skill in my mobility, my skill in loving myself, my skill. You get what I'm saying. You build the skills and that gets you the outcome of the 20 pounds. You build your skills with these men. That gets you the outcome of the man, the man, all right.
Speaker 1:So I'm like girl I'm, I'm working on my skills. I I know, once I get these skills intact, nobody's gonna be able to tell me shit, the men I'm not gonna be able to keep the new men that I'm about to be getting off of me. I'm not going to be able to do it. The little men that I want and that's exactly what I'd be telling my clients how to focus on becoming the woman who naturally attracts what she wants, instead of chasing outcomes with the wrong foundation. So that's reason number one. I just want to be delusional in my dating. I'm deliciously dating. I want to be delusionally dating. Reason number two I want to learn from someone who has mastered like delusion and impossibility. Like I want that. Like I want that. I want that. My my coach, coach lee.
Speaker 1:She's created with most people would call an impossible life transformation. She's the queen of delusion. She's a single mom of two, came from extreme poverty, went through a sugar baby phase where she was sugaring and most women never elevate out of that lifestyle. Most women who do come from poverty and are sugaring. It's really hard for them to elevate out versus like women who are in, you know, have some type of money and are in sugaring Right. You know, have some type of money and are in triggering right.
Speaker 1:She strategically used that lifestyle, those connections, to build a million dollar business and now she doesn't need anyone to fund her life. Men are optional in funding her life, not necessary. So this woman who started off with broken, crooked teeth you know she's got her teeth fixed now. But think Cardi B broken crooked teeth, two small kids coming from absolutely nothing, telling you I'm going to only date rich men and because of that I am going to be making at least 50 K a month in my own business. In my own business, because it's going to help me build it. Imagine hearing someone tell you that People would say to her what kind of crack are you smoking? No, really, what kind of crack are you smoking? What kind Is it? The kind mixed with fentanyl? But she did it.
Speaker 1:She decided to be that delusional and she ended up in certain circles where she was able to meet men who helped her build her business and one particular man that she had a long-term relationship with. Now she doesn't need a man to fund her lifestyle. She has a thriving business and that same delusional energy she bought to the business. That's what she's teaching me to apply, and you want to know how powerful this shift is. So the month I started working with her, like previously, I haven't had a six figure month in two years I think that month was I made $128,000 in one month and that was like two years ago. Since then I have not gotten anywhere close to that right. The month I started working with her, we got so delusional because she challenged me. I had a $92,000 month nearly six figures, for the first time in almost two years.
Speaker 1:The delusion is working because typically the business runs about 30K a month 30K. And then the delusion is working. And this is what happens when you invest in the right support Everything starts shifting. Everything starts shifting. It's when I, when I see this with my clients and they stop, stop playing small and they start believing bigger is possible. Ok, reason number three of hiring a dating coach, and specifically the coach that I hired, is killing off some of this. Killing off this good girl, some of y'all.
Speaker 1:Look at how I interact with men, my standards, my confidence, and you think I got it figured out. You think I got it figured out. I remember being on a call with my clients this past weekend and doing role playing with them and they were just like whoa toward that level of confidence that you had, Cause they just do a question at me Like a man would ask them and like how I responded and how I role play. They were like whoa. And still, with even all of that, I still have good girl programming that needs to die. I post things in my stories about what I say to men. They're like oh my gosh, I didn't know you could say that. I didn't know you could do that. I didn't know if you could ask men for Ubers on the first date. I didn't know you could do that. I still have good girl programming that needs to die, especially if I want to be more free and more creative.
Speaker 1:The thing is, um, like, good girl needs to go from me because the when you lose good girl, you have a better relationship with the truth. You have a better relationship with the truth, and what I mean is that it doesn't mean that you are like if you don't have that, you're lying. It means that you won't be able to handle truth. So, for example I'll give an example when we sugarcoat things that we say to people, it's because we don't think that they can sit with the truth or we feel uncomfortable about speaking that level of truth. So if someone says, hey, do you want to do blah, blah, blah, blah, you don't want to do it and you're like oh, not really, because I have this going on. I have that Instead of just saying no, I'm not interested in that. The truth feels too confronting. So you got to pile all of this fluff on top of it to feel good about it, to feel good about the person hearing it and you saying it. So you don't have a great relationship with the truth.
Speaker 1:You like to be in a little bit of fantasy, right, where everything's shits and giggles. Same thing when we're talking to men and there's a man who makes a sexual innuendo in a text message or he says something on a date and we kind of laugh it off. Or we we're like, oh my gosh, you shouldn't do that, instead of like what's the truth in your body? The truth in your body is that you're completely unavailable for that. Or the truth in your body is like I'm only, I only allow men, like I only get talk, sexy talk, with men who have made significant investments in my life. I don't think you've done that Right. That's the truth. But we kind of like, oh my God, what do I do? What do I say? We don't have a great relationship with the truth.
Speaker 1:And when you have good girl, you just have a. You don't have the best relationship with the truth, and I want to. I want to be married to the truth. I want to have a great partnership with the truth. That requires my good girl. Because partnership with the truth that requires my good girl. Because if I get married right now, my growth past good girl will slow down, because marriage makes people compromise on things, on certain things. There's certain behavior that you do tolerate in marriage that you do not have to tolerate while dating. Because right now, when a man does something I don't like, I can completely dismiss him, like, oh, I'm not talking to you, I'm not coming over, you know, I'm not going to be speaking to you. Like when I posted about you know, latin poppy, I'm like, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not going to lunch with you because you didn't go to therapy. You know that's. That's what I get to do right now. I get to. I get to do things like that Okay, and I get to challenge. I have to. I get to build my relationship with the truth so much easier. So dating multiple women allows me to practice holding my standards without compromise.
Speaker 1:And see my coach she was never a good girl she she was. She was a bad girl all her life, and bad girl meaning that she did not fit in the society, like she did not fit in that box. You know she didn't go to church growing up. You know she didn't live a good girl life and most of her clients have always been rule breakers, which is why I initially had such a reaction to her content.
Speaker 1:She's very unapologetically raw in a way that I'm actually still learning to be. One of the things I've always admired about her is like oh my gosh, so raw, so raw, so raw. She has a really great relationship with a lot of truth, you know, and when I say raw, I don't mean like disrespectful or tactless. I mean having such a solid relationship with the truth that you don't need to sugarcoat reality for anyone's comfort. She doesn't do that, she doesn't sugarcoat in that way, and she's also very transparent about her own life. In a way. A lot of women are not.
Speaker 1:You can get the sense that you know there's a lot of like dating coaches who they're just not going to show you that piece of their lives. They're going to show you what their husbands do for them and how they show up, but then they're not going to show you the messy parts, and she does a great job at being at showing the messy parts and, um, you know, good girls, they make men feel safe for the wrong reasons. Men be feeling safe enough to show up inconsistent. Safe enough to lie, safe enough to give minimal effort. I want men knowing there's only one way to interact with me at their highest level If you can't get out of my face, because anything less results in immediate dismissal.
Speaker 1:I talked on a previous episode about big body bins and that peanut soup, and I know a lot of women would have let that slide because they're like, at least he's cooking for me. No, that's not his highest level. His highest level is keeping his word to me, not just cooking for me. If he said he was going to make peanut soup, the peanut soup needs to be made. And see, my ex-husband felt too safe with me. He felt safe doing all the things that he was doing because he never thought I'd actually leave Because, honestly, based upon my good girl and how I got married, yeah, I wasn't conditioned to leave and I didn't think I would leave either.
Speaker 1:I thought I was going to be with that man forever, regardless. And so when I finally did leave, not was I shocked. He was completely shocked and I refused to keep that dynamic again like he spiraled, because he was like I cannot believe this woman left me. I'm gonna put you in your place, bitch, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that. I'm like, do what you wilt, okay, do your damnness. Um, so yeah, and this is what I absolutely love helping women do.
Speaker 1:I'm at my own level, and so women who come to work with me to move from good girl energy that makes men too comfortable to having standards so clear that men know they have to show up correctly or they're out, out Again. This is not me advocating you know oh girl, get divorced, get divorced. This is me advocating you need to be ready to leave at any moment. A man needs to know that you can walk out of the door or they're going to get too comfortable. I want you to think about some of your closest friends who are married and the kind of life they live in. I want to think about your mama and the kind of life she's living with her comfortable husband, because that man does not believe she is going to leave, and if he does think she will leave. He does not think that she can find someone better than him, and that is why he's so comfortable. I will never, like any man that marries me, will know that Toro will walk out the door in the next 24 hours if I don't step it up.
Speaker 1:Reason number four why I hired a coach is to expand my comfort zone strategically. I've gotten really comfortable in my dating life and what I realized is that comfort is the enemy of growth, and so, yes, dating is great, but to reach the next level, I need to strategically get uncomfortable. I want to experience things in dating both good but also like very, very challenging that most women haven't even experienced, so that when clients come to me with their situations, I can guide them from real experience and not theory. Like I want to grow, but I also want to be able to be the woman that says, oh, I've been through that or, oh, I know how to handle that.
Speaker 1:Because you know, there's a lot of dating coaches who seem like they've never had a struggle in their dating life at all, like they give you some vague ass advice for your difficult problem. That's not helpful because they don't have real life experience, because a lot of them just met their husbands in college and now they want to teach. You know, they just ran into their husbands. They fill in their lap or there's really like, or they might really really fit this western standard beauty aesthetic where they, you know, they have this dark skin, beautiful husband who we all think is very handsome, but then they're like this super light skin with really loose, textured hair and very racially ambiguous nose. So even if they were not a good person, they would still be heavily pursued by men of all races, right, regardless, because they fit the Western aesthetic of beauty, right.
Speaker 1:And so for me, I want to be like, oh no, like I've actually done the work, I'm having the experiences, I'm learning the lessons. So not only am I enhanced, but I can guide women through what they're, their situations, that they're facing. When you work with me, you're getting someone who's been through it and figured out how to navigate, get it successfully, or I've seen it all. I want to be able to experience and show people things that most women haven't experienced. So, for example, when I went to that poker charity event at my private social club and I was one of the only black women in the room like there were black men there. There were other people there but there were really any black woman in the room. There were like two other black women. One was on the board and another one was like a guest of a friend.
Speaker 1:She wasn't even a member but, like when I posted me at this poker event where we had to like dress up really nicely and I was invited to like an after party and I was being taken care of by men in the room, I didn't even show half of what I experienced that night. I didn't even show all the mingling I was doing with men that night. I didn't even show like the men at all but like women were in the car where my DMs like oh my gosh, like how did you deal being in that room and was able to show up in a room like that? Cause it felt like I had always been in that room. It was my first time in that room and the women were great. The men took very good care of me Black men, white men, men from overseas, every. Everything was great and I was my picture with the people. Like it made it to like two country club front page of their, their articles like two front pages.
Speaker 1:Um, I like that kind of DEI effort, but because of all of this, I'm able to provide a perspective as an average Black woman who's moving upward socially. Right, I know how to go into rooms. I'm showing you how to go into rooms and make this stuff happen, things I've been telling you guys for the longest, and I want to be able to experience. Certain things like oh yeah, I did that. Oh yeah, I can help you with that because I have done it.
Speaker 1:Okay, and then reason number five of why I hired a dating coach is just elevation Elevation of my life. Dating skills are life skills. I keep telling y'all that. That's why dating is a spiritual practice for me, and I keep saying that. I know people keep missing the point, which is why they're always focused on the outcome of the result. But you cannot level up your dating life without elevating everything else in your life. Okay, your life needs to be elevated as you. As you level up your dating life and I've elevated so many things in my life I'm elevating my circle tremendously right. The types of people that I'm meeting now, who are on my level or I've exceeded my level, is incredible. The private club that I just joined. It gives me access to over 20 country clubs in Dallas and then also country clubs across the country. And then the people you meet at these clubs they move differently, they talk differently, they interact differently and they show up for you differently. It's just a different kind of experience and I absolutely love the way that they move. I literally my coach is even elevating my style.
Speaker 1:I just got off a call with her and she told me oh, you're still dressed like a good girl and she's not wrong, she's not wrong. She was like I just saw you posted your stories. And I was like, uh, girl, no, you know, you dress too safe and you don't dress like you're unfuckwithable, you know. And I was like you're not, you're not wrong, you're not wrong. So let's do this, you know, let you're not wrong. So let's do this. You know, let's elevate the dress. And I'm elevating everything, even my LinkedIn.
Speaker 1:There was a guy that I met at the private club I met. He owned several businesses in Dallas and when someone introduced him to me and they were connected on LinkedIn, he was like, hey, make sure she gets connected to me on LinkedIn, can you introduce us on LinkedIn? And the thing is I didn't have my LinkedIn set up. I mean like it was up, but it was like my old LinkedIn from like back in my days when I was doing CPA work and in my brain, like I got embarrassed, I was like, damn girl, you need to elevate your LinkedIn because these people that you're meeting, this is how they communicate and speaking of, like I'm not understanding how y'all go into events and y'all not leaving with people's information. I don't get it. I don't get that. Like, what was the point of you going Just looking at people? Because every time I go, I'm exchanging information, right? Um, I don't understand when y'all be like I go to networking events, I go to networking events and y'all never cultivate a circle of influence from it. I'm, every time I go, I'm exchanging information with somebody.
Speaker 1:Plus, you never know where your man is going to come from. You're like I remember talking to my coach and telling her about all this stuff and she was like, yeah, you got that, because the wealth, the, the wealth is actually in the women the wealth of the information, the wealth and the connections though, like it is the wealth of the men is connected to the women. I was like, yeah, that's what I'm out here doing, my, you never know where your man is going to come from. And if you're listening to this podcast so far, you're like, damn, I want that level of confidence and standards. Here's what I need you to understand.
Speaker 1:Um, this work isn't just about dating. The woman who can attract and keep an extraordinary man is the same woman who can build an extraordinary career, an extraordinary business, create extraordinary friendships, lives, an extraordinary life and the skills that I'm developing with my coach the strategic thinking, the truth telling right, the vision casting, the good girl, killing like these apply to every area of my life. And when you invest in becoming her the version of yourself who naturally attracts what you want, so much is going to shift for you, so much. That's why I love being a coach, because my clients just don't learn dating strategies. They become the versions of themselves who naturally attracts the love that they've been dreaming about. Because they are developing skills that transform every area of their lives and they start seeing it pop up in every area of their lives their relationship with their mom, right. Some of them. Some of them have never stood up to their mom before and now they're standing up to their mothers. I have several clients like that. Some of them are have caregiving energy, where they care for everybody else ahead of themselves. Right, and they're finally putting themselves first. Some of these ladies have worked themselves like a dog at work.
Speaker 1:We set up certain boundaries. Boss man, you're going to have to talk to me differently. You're going to have to assign me work differently. Oh, the home girl that thinks that she can just call and dump on you. She can no longer do that. We start with those skills.
Speaker 1:So here's my question for you. You know we're listening to my story and what I've been able to do and how I'm living and how I'm loving and how I've invested. Like, what would be possible if you stopped being embarrassed about needing support and started being excited about your potential, if you got the support? And what if, instead of hoping and praying that dating gets easier, you develop the skills to make it easier? And what if you stop settling for feeling good about men? What if you stop settling for oh, he makes me feel good and start requiring massive service, massive support, because you finally believe you deserve the extraordinary? So if you're ready to stop playing small and stop accepting the bar or crumbs and stop being frustrated by the same patterns, I want to invite you to hire me as your coach because your standards aren't too high, your dreams aren't unrealistic and the love that you want is absolutely possible. But you have to be willing to invest in becoming the woman who can call that in and to develop the skills to do so. And the women who work with me are serious about getting serious results. They're tired of the vague advice that doesn't work and they want someone who's been where they want to go and can show them exactly how to get there and can take them to the next level. Because y'all, once I get done with this next level of me, I can take you there. So that's you.
Speaker 1:I do encourage you to join Curve to Cuff, my group program, and not wait. The doors open on September 14th, but you can join my free training that I have on the 14th, on the day that I have is the link is going to be in the show notes I want you to join. The longer you wait, the longer going to be in the show notes. I want you to join. The longer you wait, the longer you can stay in those same patterns. So that's what I invite you to do Go into the show notes, join my free training If you can't make the free training, the replay will be made available and you will have the opportunity to get in to Curve the Cuff.
Speaker 1:I have not offered this program publicly almost two years. You want to make sure that you get a chance to get in to Curve the Cuff. I have not offered this program publicly almost two years. You want to make sure that you get a chance to get in there. Yeah, I'm so excited for me. I'm so excited for you. As I stretch, I get to create new frameworks for you, and this version of me is going to be one beast of a coach because I'm consistently growing. So get in there with someone who's been there and done that. And until next time, girl, stop dating Dusty. Date deliciously and maybe a little delusionally too. All right, queen Bye.