Date with Cents
Date with Cents
What to Say When Men Ask Dumb Shit
If you freeze up or get triggered when men ask you questions like “Why are Single” or “WYD?”, this episode breaks down the real reason this happens and how to flip the script completely.
I'm sharing what's actually going on when men ask these questions, the mindset shift that changes everything about how you respond, and why your current approach is telling men they can get away with low effort.
You'll learn how to stop getting caught off guard and start turning these moments into opportunities.
I'll show you how to go from defensive and flustered to calm and confident when men try to test you.
The doors are open to my signature program, Curved 2 Cuffed.
Inside C2C, I help you build a rotation of 2-3 commitment ready men in 90 days…who will pursue you for marriage.
The program includes 12 months of access to curriculum, weekly coaching calls, weekly workshops, daily dating support, on-demand conversation and profile reviews, and more.
The investment is $3,000 one time or 6 payments of $550. Get your coins ready because we’ve got work to do.
What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the Day With Sins podcast. Okay, girl, I was inspired to do this episode number one because it is a constant thing that comes up with my like women who follow me on social media. It comes up a lot with my clients of like why did this man ask me this? I can't believe this man asked me this, men still asking this question, and I always ask them. I said you know like, if men keep asking you this, why don't you have an answer? Like, if you know like we can argue about the questions that men ask, because typically it like we, when we get asked certain questions like why are you still single? Or what do you bring to the table, um? Or you know, um, what are you looking for? Tell me about yourself. You know those types of questions. What are you doing W-I-D. When they ask certain questions and we're like that's a dumb ass question. Like, why are you asking me a question like that? You know, and I'm like you, getting annoyed isn't going to stop men from asking you. Men are going to continue to ask you these questions, like they have been. So I need to know why you don't have an answer. How come, at our big age, there's no answer, because either you're going to continue to be triggered and frustrated or you are going to feel so calm and confident because you know how to respond to all of the dumb ass questions or the awkward questions or the you know, or questions that are not so dumb but maybe awkward or triggering, like you'll be able to respond to those. So, for example, I don't think when men say why are you still single, it's always a dumb question. It's only a dumb question when they come from a dumb angle. If they're say why are you still single, it's always a dumb question. It's only a dumb question when they come from a dumb angle. If they're asking why are you still single? From a dumb angle it's a dumb question. But in general I just think that's a regular question to ask someone, especially if they are at a big age, Like it's a legitimate question to get some real data.
Speaker 1:And the second reason why I'm doing this podcast is because I have been really helping my clients with this in the Curve to Cuff program. So every week we have workshop calls and some of these workshop calls there are response workshops where I help the cufflinks which are the C2C clients. I help the cufflinks, which are the C2C clients. I help them draft their own responses to men based upon their specific situations, their personalized interactions with men. And then, after they craft their statements, they're able to go and practice in breakout rooms. And I'll hop in breakout rooms and I'll listen to them and I'll be like, okay, no girl, this is too long. Or oh, no girl, the tone is off. Or oh, no girl, that ain't what I told you to do. Like, this is not, this is not right. And so they get to tweak it real time and come back and feel really confident responding to men, really confident expressing themselves to men based upon the conversation or the question that was asked, whatever right. They come out with muscle memory on how to respond. And so, like this most recent workshop was a what are you looking for workshop. I did two of them back to back.
Speaker 1:The first what are you looking for response workshop was to help them craft their own what are you looking for statements, because typically, most women I think most women answer that question in not a helpful way. Most women are like, oh, you know, I want a, you know, good, honest connection that could lead to marriage. Or I'm looking for a good, a good man with you, man with lots of shared laughs and like no, it's so vague. We need to be having our what are you looking for? Statements based upon what a man can do for you this month. How can a man show up for you? What would you be looking for from a man this month? Right, is it planned dates? Is it follow through on his word of when he said he was going to call Like? What does that look like? I help them frame their what are you looking for? Statements based upon what they specifically wanted in the first week or the first month, and then the next week.
Speaker 1:We did a response workshop off of pushback, because there's always going to be a man who going to push back on your standards, and every man who pushes back is not doesn't mean he's not a willing man, it just means he's not a man who's experienced a woman with that level of clarity and directiveness. And so we practice several different responses. I taught them like the different ways to respond when men push back, and then they would out into breakout rooms and they practice pushing back. So like one client, would you know? So they would say that what are you looking for? Statements and then another client would push back and they would have to repeat back their stance right, without being defensive, without over-explaining themselves. I freaking love these workshops. I really do. And if you're interested in joining C2C, they're definitely a game changer. And if you want to enroll before September 28th, you can do so in the show notes to enroll and look at the details. But anyway, back to this episode. That's why I'm doing this episode today. Back to this episode. That, like, that's why I'm doing this episode today.
Speaker 1:So you know, a man might ask why you still single and you want to roll your eyes, you know, or your brain goes completely blank. There are women who get asked these types of questions all the time and still fumble. Still fumble in their responses, still looking up in the left corner of their eye that that should not be. Or when a man hits you with what am I looking for? And you either word vomit your entire relationship resume or you stammer out some generic answer. That makes you cringe.
Speaker 1:And I remember when I used to think that I was bad at thinking on my feet right. Lots of people look at me now. They're like oh my gosh, tori, you're so um concise, you're so clear. You're so on your feet. No, that wasn't always the case. They I felt like some women were naturally quick and witty and I was just not okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, and what I learned through all of that is that the reason why we don't respond to men like we freeze when men ask us questions or we fumble, it has nothing to do with how smart you are or how fast you think Okay. It has everything to do with your level of preparedness. I want you to think about any other area of your life. If you were not prepared for it, you wouldn't be as um, you wouldn't be able to execute it as well as you do. And so today, in this episode, I'm just going to talk about the real reason why we, you know we freeze or we fumble, what men are actually doing when they do ask us these questions, whether they're dumb or simply awkward or legitimate, and then how to completely flip your relationship to being quote unquote tested by men with their questions. Okay, now, these aren't just awkward moments. You need to quote unquote survive the date or survive the telephone conversation or the relationship. These are the moments that determine whether a man sees you as someone he has to step up for or someone he can get away with low effort as well. So I really need you to pay attention here.
Speaker 1:Now we freeze and fumble when we respond to men's questions because we've been conditioned as good girls to give the quote, unquote right answer. Our good girl programming it just kicks in, like, when men ask us the question, our brain automatically is like perfection. How do we ask the right way, how do we say the right thing? And we start thinking, oh, what does he want to hear? What do I think he cares to hear? What will make him like me? Or like what if I say the wrong thing? Or what if this man is trying to sun me? Right? But what's really happening is you're trying to pass a test. You already decided that he's testing you, so you're trying to pass the test. Somehow, even if you're frustrated or annoyed, you're still trying to pass the test. You're still trying to prove that, hey, you asked this dumb ass question and I'm trying to prove to you that I'm above it, instead of deciding that he passes your test.
Speaker 1:So when a man asks, why are you single or why are you still single, the good girl brain immediately goes to damage control mode, defensive mode, right. You start thinking about all the reasons why he might think you're defective. Maybe you're too picky, maybe something's wrong with you, maybe you need to prove you're normal and desirable. So some of us laugh it off and we might deflect some of us good girls. Some of us laugh it off and we might deflect Some of us good girls. Other good girls might blame the circumstances, like, oh, there ain't no good men in this city, there's not a lot of good men in this city. Or, worse, some of us start listing dating struggles.
Speaker 1:You know like we're defending ourselves, which is, I think, is the worst way to respond, saying things like well, I'm still single Cause I refuse to settle for men who just want to do Netflix and chill and men who are like boys, I'm like girl you just letting everybody know that you only deal with bums and that is not attractive, cause when a man comes and tells me and complains I had a video call with a man today this man was in his fifties, right, he was a doctor and within the first five minutes of our video call he started talking about complaining about how women were so needy and they needed this and they needed that. You know, if a man wanted to be with them and I'm listening. I'm like shit, I need that too. You know, I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with these ladies. I think they're doing good at this big age, right. But he like I will be turned. I will be turned. I was turned off by that. He wants to go out, sir, I will never go out with you. I'm not going out with you.
Speaker 1:And when you do that to men, they're thinking the same thing, and I'm talking about quality men. They're like oh no, she doesn't have a good track record with men, so it's not necessarily a terrible question, right, because a lot of men are not asking because he thinks something's wrong with you. A lot of men, especially quality men, are asking because he's thinking you know, there's no way a woman that's amazing is available. I'm not saying he's right or wrong, I'm not saying he should be thinking that, but I'm just saying that's where a lot of them are coming from. And so, from his standpoint, he's thinking he's giving you a compliment and asking you to help him understand how he got so lucky. Okay, that's the thing. That's kind of like what he's thinking about there.
Speaker 1:Now the freezing and fumbling happens when you're solving for the wrong problem. You're trying to convince him you're not defective instead of being prepared with your standards. A lot of us are not prepared for with our standards we're so annoyed, we're so defensive, we feel so much kind of way that we're not focused on a solution. That's why, when clients come to me and they start complaining, they start whining. I like I get them out of that real fast, like girl. We need to focus on a solution, because none of this is helpful. Okay Now, for example, when a man asks you, what are you looking for?
Speaker 1:He's not asking for your 10 year plan. What he's really asking is okay, how serious are you? Maybe he's not as serious, or maybe he's more serious than you. Or how much game do I need to bring Right? What, what, what all is she looking for? Are you going to make this easy for me, or do I need to actually step up? Right, because if a girl, if a girl, says, well, I'm just looking for a good, fun connection where I can, you know, laugh and we can have fun together, that's easy, girl, that's easy. He can just call you. You know he ain't got to offer nothing else, that's easy, you know. So men are always calibrating.
Speaker 1:And when he asks why are you still single? He might be asking are you single because you're picky and have standards, or because you're desperate and available to anybody? Okay, so men are always calibrating. They want to know what level of effort gets them access to you. And if you freeze, you fumble or you over-explain, you're telling him I am not used to having standards, I am not used to being pursued while having standards. You can probably get away with low effort here because I have not put in enough effort to be very clear on where I stand with this. Okay, I have not put enough effort into my love life where I'm attracting quality men. I don't have to be defensive when people are asking me why am I single? Or tell me about yourself. Some of y'all fumble with. Tell me about yourself because you're not clear on what your standard is. And if you answer smoothly and directly, you are telling him oh, I'm a woman who's comfortable being evaluated because I'm also evaluating. You need to bring your A-game boy Nothing to play with.
Speaker 1:So the men who ask these questions generally they're not the enemy Generally, they're not the enemy Generally, they're not the quality ones are actually hoping you'll give them an answer that shows that you know your worth. He could get excited about that, because these men want you to have standards, because it means that they're dating someone very valuable, very sought after, someone who doesn't just date anybody because they have a certain standard. He would be honored to date you. So, instead of how do I convince a man that I'm not defective? Or how to convince a man that he shouldn't be asking me these questions, instead of that, start thinking let me see how he handles a woman who's clear. Let me see how he's able to navigate when a woman gives him a clear, direct standard or clear, confident expression. So, for example, the why are you single? The old mindset answer is well, men today just don't know how to date anymore. Men are not like the old old school men. Mm, that sounds defensive and frustrated, but it's not showing standards.
Speaker 1:Okay, a standard might look like oh, I have been really focused on building my life. I've been focused on like really dating intentionally and meeting some amazing people, and I have, just at this point in my dating life, I have not met someone that meets the standards that I would need in order to go exclusive for a partnership. Okay, for commitment, right. That shows I'm selective, I'm very selective and I have a standard. Okay, see the difference in the energy For me when men ask me you know, you're so beautiful, you're so feminine, you're so amazing Like, why are you still single? I'm just like I'm really enjoying dating.
Speaker 1:I attract some amazing guys that really show up for me, and it would take, it would have to take an incredible man for me to want to go exclusive with just him, like he would have to really show up in order for me to choose him, because these men, they're absolutely amazing, right. So that's typically my answer. I may not say it just like that, but that's basically what I'm letting them know. Like I have a standard. I'm not just single because I have to be, because by default, because there are no men checking for me. I am single because dating is so delicious and in order for me to lock or for someone to take me off the market, they would have to be able to surpass who I'm dating now. They would have to be able to surpass who I'm dating now. They would have to be able to do that. So, anyway, what are you looking for?
Speaker 1:The old mindset answer is oh, you know, I just want someone honest and loyal, someone who's ready for something real, someone who's ready to move into a relationship, who's relationship minded and dating with intention. Those are just vague qualities. It doesn't mean anything actionable, right? There's no standard that you can actually measure today, this month, because it's going to take time to see if someone who's honest and loyal. That ain't going to happen today. And so the new mindset answer.
Speaker 1:This is like one style of an answer that I teach my clients. I give them three different styles to respond, but this is one style and it's the. Here's exactly what it takes to date me style. It's like, oh, like. I'm looking for a man who is intentional about pursuing me through planning dates. He follows through on his word, which means that if he said he's going to, it's like, oh, like. I'm looking for a man who is intentional about pursuing me through planning dates. He follows through on his word, which means that if he said he's going to call Monday, he's going to call Monday, and then and he makes me feel prioritized by learning about the things that I like and putting them into action Can you see how that's setting the standard right? Or what you're doing? Or lazy texts, right, or what are you doing? Or lazy text right. So if we have a regular what are you doing text that comes through or a message, the old mindset is, you know, either answer the question literally or ignore the question. The new mindset is you know, and we're probably going to do.
Speaker 1:I think they requested a what are you doing response workshop. I think we're going to do that. And why are you still single response workshop? We probably going to do. I think they requested a what are you doing A response workshop? I think we're going to do that. And why are you still single response workshop? We're going to do that as well and practice. But the new mindset could look like oh, I don't, I don't do what you're doing combos. If you want to see me, let me know when. All right, that's a step up or step out standard. Don't, sir?
Speaker 1:I literally had to send someone and I have tons of responses to what you doing because it doesn't. It's not always just one response, because there's different kinds of men who deserve different kinds of responses. Especially, I look at men's ages. Right, I'll respond to someone in their late twenties different than I respond to a man in his late 40s. I will give a what you doing response differently depending on how long I've known a man, whether it's a few days or a few weeks. So there's different ways to respond to what you're doing.
Speaker 1:But I literally sent this same message.
Speaker 1:I sent a message to a man today. I sent a message to a man today. I was like are you the type of man who asks what you're doing because you are looking to see if I'm available to plan a date, or are you the type of man who asks because you simply like to text? I sent him that and so I don't know. I sent him that this morning. We'll see if he responds. Who knows, I don't care, but that's the standard, right? I need to know where he's coming from so I can be like oh, I'm not available for this. Oh, okay, when are you ready for this date?
Speaker 1:So I want you to notice the difference, how different my examples feel, because the first set, the old mindset, is either defensive or frustrated, or vague and generic. And First set, the old mindset is either defensive or frustrated, or vague and generic. And the second set is confident and clear with the standard. And the difference is it's not just the words, it's also the energy behind them. Because when you hear a man ask a question, whether you think it's a dumb question or awkward or triggering question, and then you feel like, oh my gosh, I got to defend myself, I got to pass this test. Right, your energy is pleading, it's uncertain, it's defensive or combative, right? I want you to think of?
Speaker 1:Because there's women who try to take how I talk to men and they try to apply it to their circumstances, not realizing they're saying it from their energy and you're not going to pass with that. You can say the exact same words I say, but if the energy isn't right and I can always tell the energy isn't right If there is defensiveness afterwards, like if the man pushes out and there's defensiveness if you start over explaining, I'm like, oh, you don't really embody this or oh, you, you wasn't really ready to say this. Because now you're defending yourself, you don't believe that this statement is real, because if it was real, we don't explain, we don't get defensive. And that's one of the we did a response workshop, part two, this past weekend, where you know how to respond from a place, like when you feel yourself getting defensive or wanting to over-explain, like how to show up instead, um, when you are instead of trying to pass a man's test. But you're putting out the test yourself, your energy is calm and confident. When you're setting the standard, it's calm and confident and men can feel this difference immediately and the quality ones they actually prefer the woman who's evaluating them back. Okay, and there are men who will always I always get the compliment. I love how direct you are. I love how straight the point to the point you are Right.
Speaker 1:I remember a man who couldn't step up. He was like look, I know I can't afford you and I know that I am not the man that you want in your life right now. But I just want to let you know that I just think you're incredible and I just want to say that, like that, I can't step up right now, but I'm acknowledging who you are because I put out the standard. I didn't play around with the guy. I mean I didn't get frustrated or defensive, I just put the standard out there in my responses and he was like, okay, this woman I can't, I can't do it. Okay, now you might be thinking, especially based upon what I just said, tora, won't this scare the men away? Yeah, it will. It should I don't.
Speaker 1:If you're scared about scaring men away, you in the wrong game, baby, like you need to go into dating understanding that there will be men who will be quote unquote scared. I don't think they're scared. Right, scare men away. I don't think none of these men are scared. I think they're being very smart about running away. I think they know what their limits are. I don't think these men are scared at all. They're just like oh no, I don't want to do this. Oh, this is too much work, oh, I can't do it. So the wrong men eliminate themselves faster, especially the guys who are hoping for someone easy and agreeable. They're going to move on really quick. Good, you don't want them anyway.
Speaker 1:I was on hinge last week. I got unmatched like five times right, a man would send me a rinky dink Hello, how are you Happy Monday? And I was like oh, my morning, hello, how are you Happy Monday? And I was like oh, my morning, my Monday has been amazing and really full, lots of full, busy work. I would love to know if you would like to put some fun on my calendar. If you would like to put some fun on my calendar, what would you plan? These men unmatched me because they just wanted texting buddies and I was okay, I was okay with that. And then I had other guys that I mean, oh my gosh, they came through with the dating plans. They were like, yeah, we're going to do this and we're going to do that. Like, so, the right men stepped up their effort. Okay, so that's the second thing. The right man will step up their effort.
Speaker 1:Quality men want to date women who have standards. It makes them feel like they're winning with something valuable. And then also, you stop attracting time wasters when your answers make it clear that you expect effort men. Stop sending lazy ass hey, texts, lazy ass, what are you doing? Texts? And start planning actual dates.
Speaker 1:Okay, men don't actually the quality men that you're looking for. They actually do not want an easy access woman. Okay, some of us are keeping our legs closed and we're still easy access, right, because we are still allowing ourselves to put up and deal with and just allow men to show up in a certain kind of way and even though we don't like it, we just complain about it in the background and we get passive, aggressive. We try to throw hints, we don't try to nip it in the butt Like. These men want to feel like they earn access to a valuable woman Like they want to know that.
Speaker 1:Okay, but when you freeze and you fumble, you rob them of the chance to step up and pursue you properly, cause you think it's a dumb ass question. I just question is so dumb, and you know some of them are, you know, and if you feel like they're so dumb, you still should be able to reply in a way that doesn't let them see you sweat. It's not that serious and this work goes so much deeper than just having better comebacks Because, again, like I said, I can give you some scripts, but you have to be energetically in line with that. Okay, when you stop freezing and fumbling, you completely change the dynamic of your dating life. Men start asking you better questions because they respect how you answer. Okay, so instead of what you doing, you're getting hey, are you free for dinner Saturday? Instead of let's hang out sometime, you get specific plans with times and location. You also start enjoying these conversations instead of dreading them.
Speaker 1:I love when men ask what am I looking for? Because I'm like oh, I get to tell you what you can do for me this week. Oh, I can tell you how you can show up for me this week or this month, because you're not trying to perform or prove anything. You're just being honest about what works for you, and the beautiful part is that the men who appreciate your directness are exactly the men you want to be dating. Trust me, ask me how I know Now knowing this intellectually, because a lot of you guys are going to be listening to this podcast, writing notes like, oh, this is good, I'm about to say this, I'm going to say this, I'm going to take this with Tori said on the part I know, girl, put the pen down, I put the notes app down.
Speaker 1:Knowing this intellectually is very different from being able to do it smoothly and embody in the moment, which is one of the reasons why I created the response workshops inside of Curved to Cuff, because I know that you can listen to this episode, you can love these concepts, you can repeat them and still fumble and still freeze and still get triggered and have a man catch you off guard and still not know what to say when a man pushes back. And it's not because you're slow or awkward, it's because confidence in these moments come from practice and embodiment Okay, because confidence in these moments come from practice and embodiment Okay. And so in the response workshops. We don't just talk about better answers in C2C, we practice them out loud. We practice them with different people in different tones. Like I love going into the breakout rooms and listening to like other clients like really push back and they're like, oh my gosh, she was so hard. Yeah, you need different people saying it to you. Everybody, every man isn't going to say it the same way, and so you'll role play the exact scenarios that trip you up. We'll go through all like the questions until responses sound natural and confident, depending on which um response workshop, like what topic. Like we're going to practice it. We'll practice handling it until you can say these things without your heart racing.
Speaker 1:The last workshop that I did, the response workshop on like when men push back on you, like how to respond, there was so many women that were like oh, I felt so uncomfortable saying that to her. I felt so uncomfortable and I'm like good, we're going to keep practicing until it no longer becomes uncomfortable. They were uncomfortable with the women saying imagine if the men were saying it. You'll also get real time feedback on your delivery, because it's not just what you say, it's how you say it, the pace, the tone, the energy behind it. I was in a breakout room and I heard a client repeat what she said and I'm like girl you, you sped through that, like you wasn't confident, like what's going on, and so I like we helped her, like, slow it down and then you'll walk away with muscle memory. So when these moments happen in real life, the confident response comes automatically, instead of three hours later in your car. And so my clients use these workshops to completely transform how men respond to them.
Speaker 1:One woman told me that after, like one woman, she posted in the community and she was like yo, I got my what am I looking for? Statement. I said it to a man today, um, and literally in reaping the benefits already from it. Right, I think her what am I looking for? A statement was I'm looking for a man who is excited about planning the second date right after the first one, and there was a second date he planned during the first date. Okay, so look, I want you to understand that you don't. You don't need to be naturally witty or fast on your feet, you just need to write. Practice until confident responses become automatic.
Speaker 1:So, inside, curved the Cuff, I like we help women stop fumbling through conversations and start building rotations of quality men who compete for their intention.
Speaker 1:You'll learn exactly how to communicate in ways that make men step up their effort instead of testing your boundaries with lazy ass questions, and you'll finally have conversations that lead to commitment instead of confusion, where men ask better questions because they respect how you answer.
Speaker 1:And if you're tired of replaying conversations and wishing you'd say something different, if you want to turn every difficult question into an opportunity to be pursued harder, then the work is inside curve to cuff. Okay, if you want to join, this is the last podcast episode before the doors close, so if you're listening to this, it's probably a Thursday. I'm recording this earlier in the week. You'll hear this on a Thursday. Sunday is your last day to enroll into Curve to Cuff for the doors close, so go to the link in the show notes to join the women who are mastering these moments instead of being mastered by them. Your dating life changes when you stop trying to pass tests of men and start confidently giving them yours. Okay, all right, lady, if you love this episode, leave me a review, a five-star review on the podcast, and until next time, bye.