Date with Cents
Date with Cents
DWC REWIND: Five Questions to Ask Yourself to Avoid Overinvesting in a Man
“How do I know whether I’m doing way too much with a man?”
“How do I know whether I’m giving too much of myself?”
“How do I make sure I’m not overinvesting in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere?”
These are all questions women ask when they are tired of giving their time, energy and hearts to men who didn’t earn it.
I got some better questions for you to ask though…
Tune in to this episode as I share 5 questions to ask yourself TODAY so that you give to men without ever giving pieces of yourself.
HERE’S WHAT YOU’LL DISCOVER:
- Why performing “wife-duties” for a boyfriend can be in your best interest.
- The secret to investing in men and relationships without ever feeling taken advantage of.
- How to give freely to men in abundance so that you benefit too.
- The best way to make romantic decisions that are best for you in any dating scenario.
FEATURED ON THE SHOW
Be sure to get more dating gems by following me on Instagram at:
What's up, love a girl? Welcome back to the Date with Sins podcast. So this week I was like, okay, I'm gonna be ready to release a new episode. I'm not. I am still debriefing from my launch. I am still preparing for the new clients coming into C2C. There's a lot of work that goes into that to just make sure that our systems are streamlined, the delivery is streamlined. And so yeah, I'm just really excited about well welcoming them in. And so I was like, well, let me let me take off again from the podcast this week, release a oldie but truly goody. You definitely need to listen to this episode, especially if you are a woman who finds herself often frustrated, annoyed, pissed off, angry, resentful after dealing with a man. This episode is going to be for you, especially um considering that a lot of women don't even realize how much they're overinvesting. Hell, even a one-hour phone call can be an overinvestment. That's why I made this podcast episode. We think overinvestment is like spending months and time and energy. Girl, you can overinvest in 15 minutes. So I truly want you to take in this episode and apply it this week. Yeah, girl. All right. I will see you when I come back to podcast work. Without further ado, here's the episode. Hey, girl. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm so happy that you're here. I'm feeling so excited, so energized. And one reason why I'm super energized is oh my gosh, did y'all know that Coach Faith, C2C success coach Faith, she just got engaged, and we're so excited and happy for her. She actually announced it on her public profiles as well as Clubhouse. And so we were celebrating there, and some cufflinks came up to the stage that she coached personally, and they were like, you know, congratulations. So we're super excited. Faith went through the Curve to Cough program April of last year. Yeah, April of last year. And I tell you guys all the time, I can take you from not dating the way you want to date to a wedding date in as early as a year. That's what she was able to do. And so we were celebrating with her. So that's one reason why I was energized. But also in Clubhouse, we had a cufflink. Her name is Chris, and she's super incredible as a you know single mother, plus size woman who is doing her thing. I believe she was part of the August cohort, I believe, of C2C. She went in last year. So and I know we like to celebrate the engagements. We like to celebrate the weddings, but the cufflinks in C2C, we really love to celebrate women who are creating the love lives that they desires, whatever that looks like. And so, Chris, you didn't have a wedding. She didn't have an engagement, but it was extremely worth celebrating because she said, Hey, I went exclusive with a guy, and he's an amazing guy, and I decided I no longer wanted to be exclusive. And it wasn't because he wasn't an amazing guy and quality or that we were not in alignment. It was because I actually want to go back to dating multiple men. I actually enjoy that a lot. And I communicated that to him, and I wanted that I wanted to date multiple guys. And I thought that was a win because we're not in this cookie-cutter society of, you know, what's to be expected of us, and we should always be in, you know, monogamous relationships, or even in our monogamous relationships, it's what the world wants us to look like, and it can be whatever we want to look like. And I really wanted to celebrate that queen as well because she actually explored the desires of her heart, and she's living out the love life that she desires. And so that's such a success, in my opinion. But yeah, those are the wins, and that's why I'm energetic and very excited. But let's go ahead and dive into the episode because today I want to have a chat about dun dun dun, overinvesting. Overinvesting is a hot topic because as women, we have a history of giving so much of ourselves without getting much back in return. I mean, we have given our time, we've given our energy, we've given our hearts to men who did not deserve it. And now we are so tired of this pattern that we don't ever want to put ourselves in the position where we feel taken advantage of again by men. And now as you're listening to this, you probably started thinking back to the times when you've done this yourself. You're probably asking, like, okay, so how do I know whether I'm doing way too much with a man? Or how do I know whether I'm giving too much of myself? Or how do I make sure I'm not overinvesting in a relationship that isn't going anywhere? And that's where I come in at. So, what does it mean to overinvest in a man? Many coaches in this space actually teach that overinvesting in a man means that you're doing wife duties for a boyfriend, right? It's like, oh, girl, don't you cook or you clean for that man. He's your boyfriend. Those are wife duties. And others teach that overinvesting means to give more to a relationship than what it's worth, or what the relationship stage is currently valued at. So, for example, if you're only casually dating a man, they would say that the relationship isn't worth enough for you to say buy him a gift. Or if you just met a man, then they would say that the relationship, it isn't like at the stage or it isn't worth you texting him first yet. And although these definitions may have helped a lot of women navigate dating. So I know like a lot of women have used these definitions and applied them and gotten success out of it. I personally do not subscribe to those definitions for two reasons. One of the reasons why I don't subscribe to this definition is because I don't subscribe to the quote unquote rules of engagement. I actually embrace following guidelines. I always talk about this all the time. I don't do rules. I talk about practicing following guidelines because rules keep you stuck in the box. Rules are like don't do this, don't do that, do this, only do that. But guidelines provide a path towards several options that can be considered a best course of action. So you're not like stuck with one particular action. Depending on who you are, you can have a variety of actions you can take. And then number two, the second reason why I do not subscribe to those definitions is because every woman is different. Every woman has different core values, different interests, different traumas, different insecurities, different passions, and different levels of capacity. And those differences are very important to take in account of when it comes to making romantic decisions. Okay. So if we provide cookie cutter solutions for unique women, it might brighten one woman's light, but cause another woman to dim hers. And so my desire is that every woman makes the romantic decisions that are best for her, even if it isn't the best for other women in her circle. So here's my definition. When you're overinvesting in a man, it means that you are making romantic decisions and taking actions that you don't have the personal capacity for. For example, one woman may cook for a man and be overinvesting because she cooked for that man. But another woman might cook for a man and may not be overinvesting at all because it's in her capacity to do so. It's in her capacity to cook for this man. So what is your personal capacity? Your personal capacity is your ability to be in your power. It is your ability to be true to who you are as a woman. It's your ability to be completely responsible for your desires, and it's your ability to feel complete joy, peace, safety, and harmony with your decisions, regardless of the outcome. Now, here's a kicker. Overinvesting is not about what a man won't do. Like, girl, if he won't do it, you don't need to do it either. Or it isn't about what stage a relationship is at. Like, oh girl, y'all just started dating. You don't need to be doing that. Oh, girl, y'all ain't even got to that point yet. No. It's about you and what you are authentically available for and not available for based upon your unique personal capacity. Because when you're not in your power and making decisions or taking action outside of your personal capacity, it's going to lead you down a path of resentment and healthy, unhealthy attachment to men and the relationships you have with them, right? This is why some women feel adored and appreciated while dating in her power, while others feel resentful and taken advantage of, not in her power. This is why some women feel empowered while dating, while others feel like they lose power. And this is why some women feel a sense of growth and gratitude when a relationship ends in her power, while others feel a sense of intense hurt, not in her power. And so let's talk guidelines here. As a guideline, I have five questions that you can ask yourself to see if you're operating in your power and not overinvesting when you make romantic decisions while dating. Here's the first question, Queen. Would I regret my decision if he ended our connection tomorrow? So many of us are meeting guys we really like and we're so excited about connecting with them that we take action based upon that excitement. We're talking on the phone for hours. We're keeping our calendars clear just in case he wants to hang out. We're doing favors and we're buying gifts, and some of us are having sex and it's so exciting. The problem is that once we realize he ain't it and we stop dating him, we're like, oh, I can't believe he left after I did all that. Or, oh, I should have never done all those things for him. Or oh, I hate that I ever did that. If you've had any of those reactions, it means that you've made a decision where you've crossed your own personal boundaries and now you have resentment because of it. And when we have consistent choices that result in resentment, it can warp your view of dating and men. And you spiral into playing this blame game instead of owning your decisions and learning from them. We're not in our power here because we are abandoning ourselves instead of honoring ourselves. For example, we abandon ourselves when we talk on the phone for five hours, when actually we only had the capacity for one hour. We may have made a personal commitment to completing a project or going to the gym within that five hours, but then we we didn't honor it because we were on the phone for so long. And an example of that is when I talked on a previous podcast about a queen who was on the phone with a guy for 19 hours. 19 whole hours. And when he goes to her, she was in shambles because she was just like, what? I spent all this time talking to him and he left. For her, that was outside of her capacity, and she probably should have gotten off the phone a lot, a lot, a lot earlier than that. Another example is we abandon ourselves when we don't plan activities on the weekend just so we could be more available for the man that we like. And we're not honoring our desires to engage our personal fascinations that feed our lifestyle, okay? And self-abandonment is overinvesting. And the more you abandon who you are, the harder it will be to connect with men who will honor who you are. So that was the first question. The second question to ask yourself to avoid overinvesting is will I be fine with my actions if he doesn't reciprocate? Because so many of us would do nice things for a man and we believe it's genuine and out of the kindness of our heart. And this is a sneaky false belief because the minute he doesn't reciprocate the same thing, we get resentful and all bent out of shape, which reveals that whatever you did, it was to get. It was gimme, gimme, gimme. I gave because I want to get, and not simply because it was genuine and true to you. Because if you did it genuinely and true to you, there is no resentment when you don't get it back. So this looks like you bought him a gift for his birthday and now you're mad because he didn't buy you one for yours. Or you cleared your calendar last minute to go out on a spontaneous date with him, but when you wanted to do this with him later on, he wouldn't clear his calendar. Or you texted him daily when he was going through a hard time without him asking. And when you were going through a hard time, he didn't text you daily. All right. There's actually uh an example of that happened recently on Clubhouse. It was a queen who came to the stage, and she was dating this guy he contracted COVID, and she texted him daily throughout that process. I think he was quarantining everything, you know, checking up on him daily, asking, hey, how are you doing? Is everything okay? And then later, not too long after that, she contracted COVID. And he didn't contact her daily and asking how she was. And she was upset. She was annoyed, she was bothered. She's like, How dare he not contact me daily? I did it for him. It's like he's not showing the same care and concern that I did. But he doesn't have to, and he's not obligated. And when you're doing it from a place of genuine concern, you don't need him to do that. And it's not overinvesting. But if you do that looking for it back, that means you are beyond your capacity, out of your power, and you are overinvesting. And so we are in our power here because we're actually settling for entitled expectations, right? We have these, we're entitled to certain expectations when it comes to these men. Instead of just boldly expressing our desires and saying, hey, it would be amazing that you could check up on me now that I have COVID. I'd love to hear from you, right? But instead, we're hurt because we expected him to show up in a relationship the same way that we did, instead of just asking for what we desired. And the kicker is that being in our power is always being in a position where we are satisfied with our decision, regardless of whether he reciprocates or not. So you have to do things and take actions as if he will never do it for you. That's where you have to come when you're dating these men and you want to avoid overinvesting, is if he never does it back, if he never reciprocates, can I be complete joy and harmony and at peace with my decision to do that? And if you need men to give the same way you give to feel at peace, nine times out of ten, your giving is an overinvestment. Okay? So another example, Coach Winnie in C2C, who was who also is a graduate of C2C, she posted in the group because someone asked about giving a gift to a man on his birthday or something like that. And like Winnie, she wrote in the comments, she's just like, yo, I gave a man a gift. And someone commented under her post, and she was just like, Why would you do that? Why would you give this man a gift? Right? Like, you gotta let the man lead. And she was just like, What? I gave him a gift because I wanted to, not because I'm looking for anything or I'm trying to move this relationship forward. My love language is gift giving, and regardless, I want to give this gift because I want to. I want to do this. And what women aren't realizing is that Winnie, because she does this and she's not overinvesting, Winnie knows how to ask for what she wants instead of relying on entitled expectations. She is the queen at getting her heart's desires from the men in her life. They show up, they provide, they protect, and build for her. She has one conversation with a guy. She gets a$500 watch. Two different guys buy her the purse she's been wanting this year in two different colors because she's able to ask for what she wants instead of, again, sitting there waiting for things to happen and then getting bent out of shape when they don't happen. So she's able to be in her power, give men gifts, and then also receive an abundance of gifts without having to complain about it. So yeah, the third question you should ask yourself is would I do this if I had three to four high-quality men seriously pursuing me? So, Queen, would you be on the phone daily with this same man every day if you had three to four high quality men seriously pursuing you? Would you be going out on two to three dates with the same man every week if you had three to four high quality men seriously pursuing you? Would you be jumping at the chance to go to this guy's house for a first or second date if you had three to four high-quality men pursuing you? And would you be this emotionally invested in this one guy if you had three to four high-quality men pursuing you? Like this is the question, one of my favorite questions to ask. Would I be doing this if I had three to four high-quality men seriously pursuing? And if you wouldn't, you're more than likely overinvesting. And it's an overinvestment because you're spending time with this man that you wouldn't spend and doing things for him that you wouldn't be doing if you were in high demand. You're interacting with him in this way because you don't have options. You aren't in your power here because you are too busy in scarcity mindset instead of living in abundance. You're too busy trying to hang on to one quality guy because you aren't convinced that tons of them are waiting for you and that they just haven't met you yet. And I know at this point, you're probably thinking, okay, I hear you, Torah, but I don't have three to four high-quality men pursuing me. How do I not overinvest and not give him so much of my time? So check this out. Before I became a multiple six-figure business owner, I had to act like one first. There was no way I could get to this point in my business before I chose to act like one. So, for example, one of the things that I had to do is to start delegating my time before I was ready. Start hiring people before I was actually ready to do so. I had to start managing my time as if I was this multiple six-figure CEO before I was ready to do so. And ultimately, those actions that I took daily when it came to managing my time, when it came to delegating, when it came to coordinating my schedule, ultimately led me to six, the multiple six figures. But if I had stayed doing what I wanted to do, spending hours on$10 tasks instead of a thousand dollar task, then I would have stayed where I was. And I had to really believe in my mind, like, this is what I would do if I was a multiple six-figure earner. I'm not there yet, but this is what I would do. And now that I'm going for my first million, I have to act like a millionaire to get there. I can't get there still acting like and navigating like a multi-six-figure earner. So I'm in the room, making sure I'm in the room with other millionaires. Whenever I'm looking to invest in something, whether it's a coach or a course or whatever personal development, is this program something that a millionaire would be investing in? Right. And so you'll need to do the same. You're going to need to create and live your life as if you already had three to four high-quality men pursuing you. So what does that look like? How much time do you think you would spend with one guy if you had three to four high quality men pursuing you? How do you think you would feel on a daily basis? Is it confident? Does it empower? Is it well loved? Is it ridiculously happy? Is it creative? Is it outgoing? What would it be? How would you feel? What would you be doing on a regular basis? Think about what that looks like. How would your days be set up? How would your dates be set up? What would you need to delegate? Especially if like you're a busy single mom, what would you need to delegate? And of course, shameless plug, if you want to make this happen in 90 days, go ahead and apply for my private mentorship, curve to cuff. You can find out how to do that in the show notes by clicking on the link in the show notes. But yeah, it's time out for overinvesting because we are convinced of what's possible for us. We need to be living like high-quality men are pursuing us so that we're able to make room for them to enter our lives. Okay? The fourth question is do I need a certain response or reaction to feel good about my decision? So many of us are sending men texts, not because we simply want to connect. We're sending them so that we can verify if he still likes us. And we know this because when he doesn't respond the way we want him to respond, or if he doesn't respond at all, we start to feel terrible. Some of us are having sex with men, not because we want to share an intimate moment, but because we believe the moment means the relationship is getting super serious. And we know this, because after sex, when we realize the man isn't responding by moving us towards exclusivity, we start to feel terrible. Some of us are surprising men with gifts. Not because we want to give an item that feels authentic to the connection we have with him, but because we want him to be more excited about dating us. And we know this because when he doesn't react with lots of excitement and gratitude, we start to feel terrible. And we are in our power here because we are too busy seeking validation instead of being secure in who we are as women and the unique experience that we bring. It's like we're needing this man to remind us that we are enough. We're needing this man to verify that we are desired. And we we're needing this man to confirm that we are, yes, we're worthy of love. When you are enough, when you are desired and you are worthy in the womb. Before you even came into this world, and a man could never do this for you. Even your husband can never make you feel enough and worthy. This actually has to come from inside you. And you have to decide that you are a beautiful, feminine creature of the most high God who is worthy by default through your creation, so that you don't need men around to prove it to you. An example of this, there was a client on one of the community calls in C2C. She asked me a question on the call. She was like, hey, Torah, there's this guy that I was in a situation ship before I joined Curve to Cove. And, you know, I kind of let that go when I joined, and I bought him a gift, and it's still on its way there. Like, but I just recently like let it go before I joined C2C, but the gift is on its way, and I'm like, I want to send him a text. Like, should I, should I keep the, you know, the gift going to him and should I send him a text? And I'm like, I don't know. Why are you doing this? Why are you sending the gift? Why do you want to send the text? If you are sending the text and the gift because you simply just want to connect and you're not looking for any type of validation, or you are not looking for him to look at you and be like, oh my gosh, I forgot all about you. And now that you texted me, I really want to be with you and go exclusive. Are you looking to prove to him, like, I'm a different woman now? I'm in C2C. And she thought about it and she was like, you know what? You're right, Torah, I'm actually looking for validation. I'm looking for him to actually acknowledge that, wow, like I am worthy of a relationship and we don't need to do that. And so she made the decision to not text and to stop the gift in transit. That was her capacity. But if she simply approached it as an I don't need anything from him, I simply want to connect, and that's different. Right? If he didn't respond to her, she probably would have felt a certain kind of way, and we don't need to harbor those feelings, right? So when you make decisions because it's a true desire that feels good to you, not whether a man likes it or not, or not whether a man thinks it's good or not, or receptive or not, you will be in your power and not in overinvestment. All right, queen, the last question to ask yourself to avoid overinvesting in a man is Am I doing this to move our relationship to the next level? Because it's very common when a woman is casually dating a man, she really likes to start making decisions because she wants to see the relationship make progress. And this looks like requesting a man, call or text her daily. I had a client tell me that she wanted a man to call and text her daily. And I asked her, first of all, is that your man? She was like, Well, no, we're just dating. And I'm like, so why do you need him to call you daily? And she was like, Well, I just, you know, I wanted the relationship to progress. And I'm like, that's not how you get the relationship to progress by needing him to call you daily, because you basically are saying that I'm only taking these actions because I want to move this relationship to the next level. I also asked her, I said, hey, are you dating other guys? Because, you know, you date multiple men over here. She was like, Yeah, yeah, but I don't really care for them like that. And I'm like, right, so why aren't you trying to talk to them daily or saying that you want to talk to them daily? And she's there like, well, that's because I'm not that interested. So the only reason why she was saying that this guy needed to call her a text or more is because she wanted to move the relationship. She didn't want to move the relationship with those other guys, so it was fine for her to talk to them every couple of days. She didn't care. And so she decided to overinvest outside of her capacity to try to move something. Also, cooking and cleaning and doing laundry so that he can see that she's wife material. There are women that are doing that. We do those types of things to move the relationship to the next level. Or even having sex with the man in an attempt to make the relationship more serious. I had a girl on Clubhouse who went on vacation and I was coaching her. She actually had sex with a guy, and they were in a casual relationship. But after the vacation, she was like, Well, hey, what are we? And he was like, What do you mean? What are we? I thought we were just dating casually. And she says, Well, we don't went on this beautiful vacation. We got intimate. And he was like, basically, that's not what we agreed on. So What? And so she was hurt and bothered by that, thinking that it was going to move them into exclusivity or to a more serious relationship. And he said, That never changed for me. That's not part of the agreement. We aren't in our power here because we are too busy trying to control the outcome instead of enjoying the journey. And this is overinvesting because we don't know the outcome. And the future is none of our business. You're basically trying to invest in something that isn't reality and may never be true. So you will always overinvest. So make your decisions based upon what's real, what's now, what's present. So you don't get all bent out of shape when the future isn't shaped in your favor. All right, queen, that is it. I've enjoyed sharing all of this with you today. And even though we've been talking about avoiding overinvesting, right? The flip side to all of this is that once you know your capacity, your personal capacity, you can make empowered decisions that make you feel confident, focused, and safe. And it could be whatever you want to do. You want to cook, cook, boo. It's in your capacity. If not, don't. Right? You want to give a gift, give a gift, boo. But if it's not in your capacity, don't. To do a quick recap, five questions to ask yourself to avoid overinvesting are one, would I regret my decision if he ended our connection tomorrow? Two, will I be fine with my actions if he doesn't reciprocate? Three, would I do this if I had three to four high-quality men seriously pursuing me? Four, do I need a certain response or reaction to feel good about my decision? Five, am I doing this to move our relationship to the next level? Each time you want to make a romantic decision, ask yourself these questions to vet your own self to see if you're overinvesting in a man. All right, lady, that wraps up this episode. I hope you enjoy it. If you do, tag me on Instagram, girl. I want to see it. Bye. If you thought this episode was dope and you learned from it, it would be amazing if you could take a screenshot, post, and tag me on Instagram at Torresense. I would absolutely love to connect with you over there. And if you're serious about leveling up in your love life, you gotta check out Curve to Cuff. It's my 12-week mentorship program for high-achieving women of faith who want to build a rotation of quality men in 90 days or less so they can choose their legacy partner in as early as a year. You can apply to join the next cohort at curve tocuff.com slash details. That's curve, the number two, cuff.com forward slash details. I'd love to have you join the next cohort of C2C. And remember, never settle because you have choices. Choose how you want to love, choose who you want to date, and always choose to date with sense.