How To Savagely Vet A Man In 30 Days (Before You Get Attached)

You've convinced yourself it's bad luck, that there are no good men in your city, that maybe you're just not the kind of woman men commit to.

 But you don't have bad luck—you have untrained discernment.

In this episode, I'm breaking down the exact framework to savagely vet a man in 30 days before you get attached. 

You'll discover the four things to evaluate instead of your feelings , why smart women still end up with men who fail all four, and the next layer most people miss—the 3 I's that separate a man who behaves well from a man who's actually right for you.

Ready to stop wasting six months on men who showed you everything in week two?

The doors are open to my signature program, Curved 2 Cuffed.

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Inside C2C, I help you build a rotation of 2-3 commitment ready men in 90 days…who will pursue you for marriage.

The program includes 12 months of access to curriculum, weekly coaching calls, weekly workshops, daily dating support, on-demand conversation and profile reviews, and more.

The investment is $3,000 one time or 6 payments of $550. Get your coins ready because we’ve got work to do.

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Transcript

Setting The Stage And Urgency

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Lover girl, welcome back to the Tate with Sense podcast. I am so happy to be here again. I am feeling very vibrant, very powerful, very open. I had such a great workout today. And uh I've had some good food. I got my meal prep service. They have some delicious food. I done got I done had some really great dates this week. It's just, ugh, I'm just feeling so, so good. And I'm creating the new curriculum for the Curve the Cove program. So, yup. I'm just feeling all the things. But listen, girl, I gotta do this episode because I'm getting questions from clients. I am getting questions from the people on Instagram. Questions I'm just like, if we was vetting these men properly, I wouldn't be getting these questions. Questions like, oh, Torah, like, uh, what should I do? This man has not, you know, he said he wanted to invite me on a date, and we've already been on two dates, but haven't been on a third, but it feels like, you know, he's been busy. I'm like, oh, we ain't vet him right. We ain't vet him right. Or, you know, Torah, we've I've really been enjoying this man. We just had a great, we have a great connection and talking on the phone, but I feel like, you know, he has not been consistent in this particular area over here. And I'm like, oh, okay, we got this question. And this question is coming up because we are not betting men properly. We're not doing it. I even had a question where the woman was like, you know, he's calling every day, you know, he's texting every day. And every time I send him a message, he responds back. He sends me really nice reels and gifs, and he has a lot of enthusiasm to talk to me. But we haven't been out on a date. Maybe it was the first date or the second date, I don't know. But you only ask a question like that if you don't know how to vet men. So I'm doing this episode for y'all girls. Whoever you are, wherever you are, if these are the questions you got going on, I need you to hear me closely. And if you are a client, I need you to make sure that you are using the vetting tools in the program, as well as listen to this podcast. Okay, this this podcast is only gonna help reinforce. That's all it's gonna do. Anywho, a lot of us don't have an issue vetting for men that we know are trash, that we know are dusties, that we know are jerks and assholes and sexual deviants and all the things. Like, we don't have a problem being able to vet for that. A lot of us can like really suss it out very, very quickly, and we're on to the next. It is these ambiguous men that give you just enough attention, they give you just enough dates, they give you just the amount, enough potential, enough hope. He looks good on paper. Y'all done had a couple of phone calls that have been extraordinary. Y'all probably done had sex, and the sex took you to the moon and back. And you're like, oh my gosh, this is excellent. I I'm this man, I'm so interested in him. This is when y'all, this is where y'all be messing up. This is where y'all don't be vetting properly, okay? And it's because you have untrained discernment. We again, we see a lot of movies, we see a lot of TV shows of the hyperbolic evil man. You know, Taliper, he does a great job at showing us the most ridiculous evil villains, right? They're just unquestionably, obviously, ridiculously evil. And so we get used to seeing that level of mean uh and evil. And so when it comes to like these seemingly good guys, we don't be knowing what to do. So we have to train our discernment and we have to start understanding that discernment is a skill set. Right? Great discernment is a skill set, and I'm gonna use this podcast to to talk about what it looks like and what it doesn't look like, and how you can savagely vet men that you're interested in in the first day, 30 days. I don't care how much you like him, and I don't care how good the sex was, and I don't care how good the phone call was, and I don't care that he responds to every text message that you send. I don't care that he acts excited to talk to you. I don't give one damn because none of that means that he's the man you should be entertaining. So vetting. A lot of women hear vetting, and they think about or they act like a damn detective on a true crime podcast, okay, looking for red flags behind every word he says, or assuming the worst about men, and that is not discernment, okay? A lot of that's hypervigilance, to be honest, right? We we we vet we think we vet him because we like, okay, I know his five-year plan. I know I know how much he has in savings. Oh, I know he went to therapy because I asked these questions, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's a part of vetting, but that is not where the majority of your work needs to go. Okay. That is not where the majority of your work needs to go. Discernment is all about watching a man's behavior and making a decision based upon your standards and his patterns instead of your feelings. That's it. It's not very complicated, but so many women skip this because again, some of the questions that y'all are asking me, I already know. I'm like, oh, she don't got a standard that she's measuring this against. She's using his excuses as a reason to keep go like she's using his excuses along with his enthusiasm as a reason to keep talking to him. Cause she has not applied her standards and observed his behavior. Again, I don't care if the man needed to cancel dates because he was saving the president. It doesn't matter. What are your dating standards? And are you measuring it against his um his behavior? For example, one of the dating standards that I like to offer to my clients is if a man drops the ball twice in the same context or on the same thing within the first 30 days of dating, then the recommendation is to get rid of his ass, right? And so I literally did an Instagram reel reading off the text messages between a client and a man because he had canceled a date twice, right? Seems like to be, he seemingly, based upon his profile, was you know a high caliber man, um, well-to-do guy. And when he canceled the date twice, she sent him a message basically letting him know that she's not romantically interested. And he blew up on her and the messages, like really blew up on her, tried to make it seem like she was being ridiculous for it. Basically, she dodged a bullet, but she didn't think about her feelings around it, or like, oh, he's great on paper, blah, blah, blah, blah. She took the standard and discerned, looked at his behavior, and was like, nah. So it's it's not complicated. All right. The thing is, a lot of us are paying attention to men and we are noticing things, and we are clocking things, but we are overriding what we are paying attention to because we want something else to be true. And the good girl reflects, it kicks in, and it it comes up, and it's like, well, you know, maybe you're being, you know, too much. Just like the guy I accused my client of maybe you're maybe you're doing too much, or he is kind of busy, or he does respond back very fast when I message him. You know, he just needs to get this part of his life streamlined, and and he'll be able to show up. And that is why today I'm gonna just give you a structure that you can use. So many of us are evaluating men based upon our feelings, how I feel. I feel so connected because we had this great phone call. I feel so connected because we got a lot of things in common. I feel so connected because I'm attracted to him. I feel so connected because we had sex. And so you're just you're vetting him based upon how connected you feel. And you know, feelings are real, they are, but they're also very, very reactive, and it does not signify reality. Your feelings do not signify reality. Like, because you can feel super excited about a man who literally is completely out of alignment with you. And I know you know this, and I know you know this. You've experienced it before, okay? And feelings often respond to chemistry, it responds to familiarity, it responds to attachment patterns. Feelings don't typically respond to character, okay? Unless you have lots of trained discernment and lots of skill set in this area. So instead of evaluating how you feel, you're gonna evaluate for four things. And these four things are gonna tell you about a man in 30 days, then your feelings will tell you in six months. So you're gonna evaluate based upon his words, his effort, his consistency, and his repair. So breaking this down, starting off with words, because words are gonna be the first thing you ever get from a man. Because they're the easiest to give. A man be like, I don't want to spoil you, princess. I'm gonna, we need to plan a date. I'm gonna call you. Those are easy things to say to a woman. Easy things. I had a client recently share some screenshots in our dating community in Curve the Cuff. He shares some screenshots about a guy that she was talking to, and he had made these big old bold claims about how he was gonna show up for her and um spoiling her, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he ghosted her. He made all these big promises. And she thought she did something wrong. She was like, hey, what could I have done better in what I said? And I'm looking at it, I'm like, she was perfect in everything that she said. Like the way she was conversing, she had the skill set. But that man, all he had was words, and men love words because they get to, because a lot of women fall for it and give a man lots of adoration because of his words. And men love the adoration of women, it makes them feel like a man. Even if it's just for a quick dopamine hit, a man loves it. But when it's time to carry it out, he's like, oh shit, now I gotta do something. Then he goes, then he's out. And I needed her to understand, yeah, he gave you words, and nothing is gonna change the fact that um he wasn't gonna show up for you. You could have said this a million different ways, and that man was never gonna show up for you because words are the easiest thing to give. All right. But at the same time, words still matter because what a man says actually tells you what he wants you to believe about him. And that's that's useful information. Okay. So it is useful information when a man tells you, oh, I actually plan on dating for intention. I plan on intentionally dating. That's useful information, okay? Listen to that. Uh, no one said believe him. We just said listen, we got to put a pin in it. When he says that he wants to spoil you, oh, you say you want to spoil me. I'm putting a pin in it. I'm listening because I'm not gonna hesitate to ask you for anything, okay? I'm putting a pin in what you said. When you say you are looking for a wife, that's useful information. It's also useful information when you say, hey, I don't want a relationship. Oh, that is useful information. So I'm just gonna put a pin in it. That's important information, but I need you to not listen to that information the way most women listen. Most women hear those words and they feel relief, like, oh, like when a man says, Oh, I'm I'm ambitious. I remember a woman telling me, like, yeah, he says, you know, he's right up my alley after the first date. And I was like, why? And she was telling me all these things. One one was that the man is ambitious. I said, How do you know? Oh, she said, Well, he told me. I was like, he told you, but you don't know he's ambitious. How are you so secure and satisfied with that answer? Right? How are you secure and satisfied with that? Listen, I'm not, I am not um even opposed to that. Like I fell for that as well. I remember when my ex, my ex-husband, before we got married, and he told me he was into fitness and love's working out, and I believed him because he had a six-pack. But baby, I don't think I I can't recall ever really seeing him work out. I ain't even gonna lie to you. And eventually it became a beer belly, okay? Because I believed the words instead of paying attention to the actions. But anywho, women hear what men say and they relax. They hear a man say, Oh, I want to take you out, I want to do this. And they're like, oh, I'm excited. They feel so much relief. Yes, finally, a man of faith, a man of God. He wants what I want. And they settle in on all of that and they start building like a mental future based upon one sentence that man said over the phone or some appetizers. But when a man gives you words, this is not time to relax. This is a time to take a pin, uh, one of them little punch pins and nail that shit to the wall for verification. I want you to think of, you know, one of them people on them cop shows when they're solving a crime and they're trying to figure out who the killer is, and they have all these notes that they done took and all these pictures, and they have it pinned on the wall. They got it pinned to the wall because they're trying to verify some things. Every time a man tells me something pin, I'm pinning it to the wall because I'm coming back. I'm coming back like Olivia Benson and SVU to see if you are the culprit or not. I'm I'm pinning it. Okay. So when a man gives you words, I immediately want you to put a pen in it. Because, number one, like I said, if a man tells me certain things, I am going to call him out on it. You say you date me intentionally, well, I'ma intentionally uh request things. I'm gonna I'ma intentionally treat you as if you're dating me intentionally. I don't care what you think, I'm going to treat you based upon what you said. If you say that you want to show up for a woman and invest in a woman, I am going to be asking for investments, right? I'm putting a pin in it. Does that mean I believe you? No. I remember a man messaged me unhinged. He sent me a first message and he was like, oh, you the kind of girl, I will spoil out the wazoo, blah, blah, blah. I say, okay, what's the first way you want to spoil me this week? Yeah, match me. I'm gonna call you on your bluff. I'm going to nail it to the wall. You tell me you're gonna call me, then when you don't call me, I'm gonna call your ass out about it. You said you was gonna call me tonight at 6 p.m. Don't you message me the next morning and expect to get um expect me to forget about it, because I'm not. I'm holding your words to the fire. All right. So words are the starting point. They open up the file, the case file. It don't close the case, case not closed. Okay. So the second thing is effort. Effort costs something. This is why a lot of men, they got a lot of words, but this is where they a lot of men fall off because effort actually costs them something. They've been given free words all the time, but effort takes time, it takes energy, it also takes money, it takes planning. Okay, effort takes all of that. A man is putting in effort when he not just suggests the date and say, Oh, we should go out sometime. Those are words. Effort is when he actually makes the reservation, tells you what time, and has a plan. Okay. Effort is not him just responding to your text messages. It's also not him saying, Yeah, you know, oh, we should talk tonight, and then he doesn't make no effort to talk. Like, that's not effort. Effort is actually like, okay, I want to talk to this woman. Let me let her know that I want to talk to her tonight. This is the plan. I get off of work at this time, and I'm gonna call her. And then he calls. That's effort. Okay. I remember there was a guy at the end of last year that I met on a dating app, and he sounded super, super excited to talk to me. And he said, Hey, I'll call you at eight o'clock. Eight o'clock rolls by, I didn't hear from him. Nine o'clock rolls by, I didn't hear from him. It wasn't until almost 10 o'clock he messages, he said, Oh, oh, I'm I'm so sorry. I I I drank some beers and then I took a not a nap. And I was like, oh, we're not a match. Never mind. Because effort would have been not drinking them damn beers at your big ass age and going to sleep when you know you had a call set up with a young lady later on. That's not effort, okay? And you don't get second chances with me after that. I don't give you two chances to do that. Effort is when you tell a man about a big thing you got going on, whether you got a project you're doing, whether you got something big in business, something big in your career, something big with family, and then he remembers. He remembers, and then he shows you that he's paying attention to your life and he adds value to it. That's effort. He he brings his time, his energy, his money to show you that he remembers. That's effort. It ain't him just texting and saying, hey, how did it go? That's not effort. Those are words. Okay. Effort is keeping the momentum going. If you find yourself like, how do I keep it going? Most nine times out of ten, baby, he ain't putting no effort. Okay. A lot of men want entertainment from you. They don't want to put in effort, they want entertainment. They just want to say, we should do something this weekend. And they never, ever telling you when, what, where, and how. Okay. These men be liking your Instagram posts, watching your stories, and you're like, how come he's watching my story? That's the wrong question. Why is he not blocked? That's the right question you need to be asking. Why are you allowing him to orbit in your field, watching your stories, surveillancing you, getting dopamine hits off your beauty? If his effort, because effort is always going to produce a result. If men are not producing results in your life, they're not creating effort. They don't have effort. His effort should be producing actual dates, actual plans, and actual step four. It should be a result. Women be like, oh, you know, I really, really like this guy. And like, why? Because he encourages me, he provides support. And I'm like, how? Oh, when this happened, you know, he was sending me prayers and scriptures. That's not effort. What was the result? Did he book you a spa day so that you can be relaxed? That's effort. What's effort? Did he offer? Did he offer that to make your life? Did he offer meal prep? Did he offer to cook for you? If not, girl, there's nothing supportive about that. Your homegirls will support you better than that. Why we gonna met why we gonna let a man give us less than our homegirls give us? It's crazy. It's wild. But effort should produce a result. All right, so we talked about words, vetting a man on words, and then the next level is effort, and then the next is consistency. Because there can be a man who says the right words and he does put in a lot uh uh some effort, but only sometimes. Right? This is where y'all be really getting caught up with the dates, the beautiful dates. We went on two amazing dates, and that was effort that was backed by words, but then now you can't get the consistency and you're confused about it. You're confused. You're like, oh my gosh, he was texting every morning, planning these dates, and Now it's hard for us to get on this day. He keeps saying, you know, we'll see, or like we'll play things by ear, and you do not properly see it for what it is because you're too busy thinking about the flowers he bought you on the first day. You're too busy thinking about the first two weeks when he was calling every day and texting you and flirting with you. You thinking about all that instead of vetting this man for consistency. You're focusing on the highs and you hold on to the weeks where he did show up and you use the excuse. Uh you use that to excuse the weeks where he didn't show up. Because basically you're like, okay, he's so amazing, but only a certain time. And it's a trap, bro. It's a trap because consistency will not be about his best weeks. It's gonna, it's going to be about enduring to the end. Right? Even right now, y'all know Big Body Benz. He's taking an e leave of absence from my life. I am separated from him. I don't know for how long. I don't know. It could, it could be the end of us. I don't know. But at this time, I no longer, like at this time, I'm separating myself because of some lack of consistency that I've seen. And I could be thinking, like, oh, we had such a great time with each other for over a year, and he's done this for me, and he's done that, and he showed up. I don't care. Like the Bible says, you gotta endure to the end with me. If you start slacking up for whatever reason, then I then I'm basically going to have to pull back. And that's what I did. I was like, oh, absolutely not. Not doing this. That's that's beneath my standard. I'm not gonna hold on to all the great times we had. I'm not gonna hold on to how amazing he has been to me. You have to keep it up in order for me to stick around. I'm not sticking around because of history. I'm sticking around because you're consistently showing up. So when you look at his behavior, what does it look like? Is it reliable? Can you even predict what tomorrow will look like based upon how he's been showing up? Because that's what actually matters. Not a man who sweeps you off your feet in week one and then leaves you guessing the next. You should know what to expect. You should know, okay? A man's effort should not spike in crash based upon his mood, his stress, or even another woman he's dating. It should not. His effort should not wane. Out of all the, and I'm not getting in comparison mode here. I'm literally, I'm just pointing out what's true in my own life. One thing about Latin Poppy, and we've been dating for a few years now, his effort has never, ever waned. Even him breaking up with me and him coming back, he has a hundred percent effort. This man takes me on dates once a week. He makes plans all the time. He's always planning trips for us. He's always coming to my house and um making sure things are straight. Uh, he's making sure that I have stuff stocked up in here. Like his effort has never, I never felt the time where I feel like, boy, you slacking up. Never. That man shows up for me like it's the first day we met or first week we met. Like it's never been a problem. Even when he stressed at work, he he runs a multimillionaire, uh multimillion dollar company. And it'd be a lot going on over there, a lot of stressful stuff. But that man will leave that company and come and pick me up and give me an amazing date. It never wanes with him. His consistency has been consistent. And that's the standard. And if it if it wanes, he got he he got to go. Even with all the years that we have, but so far, he's just he's been very, very consistent in showing up for me. Now, when it comes to grace, some of y'all are like, well, you should give a man grace. I think that all depends. And to be honest, I'm not gonna give grace to a man that's not my boyfriend. I'm not. If he's not, and mind you, a boyfriend is somebody who is committed to me exclusively. That means I can see myself marrying him in the next six months. I can give grace to that man. Not much, but I can give it because I made a commitment. But I'm not going, I'm not giving no grace. I'm not giving grace to a man that, especially a man that I just met 30 days ago. Especially a man I only met two months ago. Grace. Right? Like Soldier Boy. Grace, grace, you I I wanted to give him grace for what? For what? Men are valuing us for our beauty and our essence. They do not give us grace based upon whether we look apart or not. They they don't give us grace there. We value men for what we're supposed to be valuing men for their execution, their doing. They value us for our being, we value them for their doing. So when they stop doing, why are we giving them grace? Anywho, let me get off my little soapbox to get to the next point. The next is repair. We talked about words, we talked about effort, we talked about consistency. Next, we vet based upon repair. And for those of you who are familiar with my breakup with Poppy back in May, and then when he came back in August, y'all know that he was put on a repair plan. That's the only way he could be in my life, is to be on a repair plan. And part of the repair plan um was therapy on a weekly basis, not bi-weekly, not monthly, weekly. We were not allowed to see each other outside of once a month, a once-a-month uh trip, right? And he had to provide some offerings, some gifts, some offerings like to be back in my good graces. That that was a piece of it. Prepare. This is one of the most important parts about this because every man is going to mess up. Every single man, even a good man, I don't care how good he is, even a man who will eventually become your husband, he's gonna forget something, he's gonna do something wrong, he's gonna disappoint you. And the question is not whether he messes up, because he will. The question is what does he do after? And that's repair. A man is ready to repair things with you the moment he drops the ball. So if that's within the first two days of dating of him dropping the ball, he needs to be in repair mode. Okay? And repair looks like one, he acknowledges what happened without you having to build a case for why it was wrong. If you have to build a case, especially with a man you met the last 30 days, that's a problem. For example, you say, Oh, you said you'd call and you didn't. If this man says, Well, you could have called me too, where it takes to, you know what? It's time to it's time to get rid of his ads. But if he says, you're right, that's on me, I'm sorry, probably a good man, Savannah. Probably. You know, we'll see. Or he takes responsibility without deflecting. Okay? He takes responsibility without deflecting. He doesn't list everything he has done for you to balance out the one thing that he didn't. He doesn't make you feel like you're asking for too much by expecting what he promised. Right? You promised it. Whatever you promised, whether it was a date, whether it was a gift, whether it was an experience, if you promised it and then you renege and you say, Well, I did all this for you, girl, it's time to get rid of his ass. All right. Repair looks like he changes the behavior. Not just for a week to get you to calm down. Okay. You're able to see the pattern over time. The same mistake doesn't just keep showing up every two weeks with a new apology attached, which is one of the things I was looking for in Poppy. I was looking for the pattern. I was looking for, is this behavior changed? Let's look at the repair. Like, how is he showing up now? And then repair also needs to be without ego because a lot of men will apologize, but they'll do it with the attitude, like you inconveniencing them by having the standard. We don't want that because that man is just doing it just to get in your good graces. And you can't repair without, like a man has to be willing to offer you something in repair. This is one of the reasons why Poppy was in severe gift mode when he came back, right? Even gifting my son a car. He was in severe gift mode. I was getting gifts, just it was just, it was a lot. I loved it. But that was a part of the repair of a man. So I'll give you an example. If a like I I talked about, like um, if a man sends you a dick pic and on it and you didn't ask for it, then you can send him a link for him to buy you a purse. Right? That doesn't mean you're gonna take him back, but that's a part of him repairing things. That's him apologizing and saying sorry. And if a man doesn't want to do that, then he's a disgusting and selfish human being. You sent me your dick without asking me, and then when I let you know I hated it, I hated it, and I send you a link to a purse to rectify the situation, and you say no, yeah, you're you're disgusting, selfish human being. That's that's deplorable, deplorable behavior from a man. It's disgusting. What's not disgusting is that you know there's a guy he offered to take me on a date and then he disappeared for like almost two weeks. And then he came back, he was like, hey man, things were crazy, things were this, this was happening, that was happening. And I was like, Oh, that's fine, you'll have to make it up to me. He tried to change the subject. He was like, Oh, you funny, ha ha ha, how you been? I said, I think you missed the part where I said you have to make it up to me. And he didn't he ghosted me. He never said anything back. That again, he didn't want to repair things. I don't care how fine you are, I don't care how much money you got, I don't care how good of a connection we had. If you are not a man who's looking to repair things after you do something, uh after you drop the ball, then you're not a man I want to talk to. And y'all not paying attention to this. Y'all are letting men get by with saying he's gonna do something and not doing it, and you're and you're not holding them to a standard. We're gripping for these men too hard. We want these men too bad. We want these men too bad. If you want a man so bad, you want a man so bad that you would just let him uh get away with not keeping his word, just so you can have a man. Like it we don't want a man that bad. I'd rather I'd rather stay single for the rest of my life than to uh compromise my standards like that. Okay? So he needs to be able to want to provide an offering. Okay. So when you now some a lot most men are not trained for repair because so many of us let uh let them get away with it. So they might push back a little bit on that, but a good man, he's gonna be like, you know what, you're right. Other men they're gonna be like, it's not that serious. Well, what about the time you did blah, blah, blah? Why do you always have to start something? No, absolutely. Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely not. Because if he can't take accountability for disappearing for a week or two, he's definitely not taking accountability when the stakes are higher. Okay? If he's gonna deflect about a missed date, he's gonna deflect about finances. If he minimizes a forgotten birthday, he's gonna minimize your feelings about everything. Okay, repair is the future of the relationship in preview mode. You need to pay attention to it. Okay, so we just went through looking at men based upon his words, his effort, his consistency, and repair. But did you know that's not it, girl? I mean, if you start using this tomorrow, your dating life will improve, uh, will improve so much. But a man can pass all 40s and still not be the right man for you. He can say the right things, he can put in all the right effort, he can be consistent, and he can repair well. Oh, but there's another layer. Where is another layer I gotta talk about? And I know you're like, what? Yeah, yeah, we got to talk about that. And this next layer is what I call the three eyes: identity, investment, and intention. All right, so once you are vetting his words, you are vetting his effort, his consistency, and his repair, you also have to I uh vet his identity. Who is this man? Who is this man outside of you? Not who he's trying to be, not who he was five years ago, not his potential. Who is he as a person? How who is he when he um when he uh treats people a certain way who can't do anything for him? Who is he in relationship with his friends and family? Who is he when it comes to his past relationship? Who is he when things don't go his way? Who is he when he gets told no? Who is he? Who is he when he's stressed, when he's frustrated, when he's annoyed? Who is he? Okay, that is his identity. And a lot of us are so sucked up in the great connection and the long phone call that we're not really looking at who this man is outside of us. We're looking for how he appeals to us, but not who he is outside. Like, is this man even connected to healthy quality men outside of you? Because that's who he is as well. His identity. The next eye is investment. Okay, and this is where a lot of us miss things. We're like, you know, we look at the fact that he's planning dates, he's giving us attention, he's consistent with it, right? We're looking at all of those things, but a lot of us don't pay attention to the investment. Like we think about, oh, he took us on this date and he's paying us attention, and we think everything is good. But even outside of a date. So, for example, one of the ways that I look for men to invest in me outside of a date is to make it to invest in my ability to get to the date feeling relaxed. Like my first date, you have like if you don't call a car for me, I'm not going to the date. Okay. That's investment. And if a man can, and that's this is my standard, right? It doesn't have to be your standard. This is where I'm at in my dating life, but you have to come up with your own. Um, that's his level of investment because this is outside of something that's benefiting from him. A man can be very um have put in a lot of effort in dating you, but all of it could be around him benefiting from it. So, for example, I had a client where a man would only get her a gift that he could benefit from. So he would only give a spa day if he could attend. That's that's not investment. That's not investment, right? In investment, I'll have clients, some clients, they're like, oh, flowers on the first date. That don't benefit from him. I mean, that doesn't benefit him. Okay, him bringing the flowers. That uh the date benefits him, but the flowers don't. So that's one of the reasons why I have my clients ask for things to show investment. Or I had a client who was sick that talked about her in another podcast, and it asked the man to send a care package. That is investment. That's past the effort, right? Effort we were planning dates and we are consistently showing up in a dating capacity where we both benefit. But investment is like, hey, this is I'm investing into this woman. And it could be, you know, as small as a box of chocolates or a book or some flowers, or it could be as big as like some women are asking for luxury gifts and perfume on the first day. It depends on your standards and where you're at. But you want to make sure that a man is investing past dates outside of dates, something that he doesn't benefit from, because you do not want a man who only wants to do things that benefit him. Okay. So that's number, that's number two. Uh we have identity, then we have investment. And then the third area is intention. Is intention. A lot of us get confused when a man starts future talking and we think that's future planning because we're stuck on the words. A lot of us get confused on I'm gonna take you on a trip versus him actually booking the ticket. A lot of us get confused on a man saying, you know, I want a relationship versus I want to commit to a woman. Two different things. Two different things. Some men are intending to call and talk to you for entertainment, and that is not the intention that you want a man to have. You need to figure out what vet him for the intention. Is he intending to have you for entertainment, or is he intending to invest in you? Is he intending to date you to see if you could be his girlfriend or his wife? Okay, and so when identity and investment and intention align with the man's words, his effort, his consistency, and his repair, this is the cocktail that you want. Because when one is missing, you're gonna feel confused. And confusion is data, it's telling you something, it's off. Stop ignoring it. Okay. Now, all of this, now, this is not something that you master through a podcast episode. I do want you to go and try to implement. This is definitely something that you build through practice, through coaching, uh, through collecting data and going over it over and over and over again. That's the kind of work that I love doing inside of uh C2C because I gave you a lens today that you can start to shift things almost immediately. Like you'll start notice what uh like at the end of this podcast, I'm sure you started noticing what you've been ignoring, what decisions that you have to make faster, and also remembering that this is a lens to help you see. But you also need to develop a system around this to help you build. And if you're tired of just seeing the problems and you're ready to actually build a dating life that works, that's actually what curve the cuff is for. Because in C to C, you just don't learn how to vet men. You learn how to position yourself so the right men are showing up in the first place. Because a lot of y'all spending a lot of time betting men, and they're the wrong men. We're wasting a lot of time. We help you build your visibility strategy because right now some of you are invisible to quality men. Okay. You're attractive, you're successful, you're desirable, but you in the wrong places doing the wrong things with the wrong energy and wondering why no one's approaching you. So we clean that up in C2C. We also help build your roster so that you're not evaluating just one man with your whole heart on the line, hoping he's the one. You're actually evaluating several men at the same time, which means you're making decisions from a place of power and not desperation. You go, you like when you when you have this, like you're not afraid to walk away from an inconsistent man who does not qualify through the vetting structure that I provided you today. Okay. We also, like I mentioned, help build your vetting uh skills, okay? Where you can apply this to every man that you date with coaching and feedback so you're not doing it alone. If you think you have a specialized set. Uh circumstance, you can come and get coaching around it. We also help build your emotional regulation skills because even with the best discernment in the world, dating is an emotional process. You're gonna feel some things, some very uncomfortable things. You're also gonna want to give grace when you should be walking away. Okay. And you need the skills to be able to hold yourself and not self-abandon through all of it. Okay? Through all of it. I have had so many women come into the C2C program thinking that they were the problem or they were not the kind of woman that this happens for, or that the men in their city were trash, and them being able to not just build rotations and rosters of quality men who plan dates and follow through and invest and pursue them for commitment. Women have not just been able to build themselves rosters, but they've been able to become completely different women who are who's able to like make more money in their jobs and to be able to um show up differently in their families and to get promotions and to lose weight, like all different types of things. Because when you you show up different in your love life, you show up different in your entire life. Okay. So the cart closes for C2C March 1st. And I would love for you to join us this round because if you join, well, we're still in quarter one. If you join in quarter one, you can have an exclusive boo by summer, which puts you in position to be preparing to get engaged by the fall. So that's what the timeline looks like, girl. So come on and get on in here. Get you a good man. All right, bye. Use my use these tactics now. The vetting system. Don't get caught slipping. All right, queen. Until next time. Bye.