DWC REWIND: Becoming The "Sun" In Your Love Life Solar System

Becoming the sun in your love life changes everything.

Most women are floating through dating…

Responding to texts because they feel like they have to.

Going exclusive because he brought it up.

Feeling overwhelmed because men want their time.

Saying yes when they really want to say no.

That’s not power.

That’s the sunken place.

In today’s episode, I break down what it actually means to become the “SUN” in your love life solar system — and why most women are unconsciously living at the mercy of men, time, and outside opinions.

It’s time to take your throne.

HERE’S WHAT YOU’LL DISCOVER:

·       How women are conditioned to be people pleasers, nice girls, and validation seekers in dating

·       The powerful solar system analogy that will completely shift how you view your love life

·       How to stop letting men’s actions cause knee-jerk emotional reactions

·       What it really looks like to take 100% responsibility for your love life

·       How to generate your own energy instead of claiming you’re too tired to date

·       Why time doesn’t control you — you control time

The simple but life-changing question that helps you reclaim your power:

**What do I desire?**

Book a sales call HERE to learn more about private 1:1 coaching with me.

Be sure to get more dating gems by following me on Instagram at:

@torahcents 

@curved2cuffed

Transcript

Warm Welcome And Panera Story

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, Queen. Welcome back to the podcast. I am always so happy to connect with you. It always feels so good every single week back here on the Date with Sins podcast. And I am very excited about today's episode because the theme has been coming up quite a bit lately in my clubhouse rooms with my clients, with random people I see on social media. And I'm like, okay, it's time to talk about it. But before I go into that, I would like to share a little story. Many of you know that I work from different places. Like sometimes I work in a co-working space, but most of my mornings I'm working out of Panera. And when I'm working out of Panera, I'm normally hanging out or like connecting with the older people that are there, especially like the older men that come in and drink their coffee and have their bagels. They they like to joke and tease and um just create small talk. It's a lot of fun. But this particular day, there was an older white gentleman who looked to be like in his 70s. And he sat near me and he commented on the fact that I was working there. He was like, You look like you're working hard over there. And I'm like, I am, I am working hard over here. And he's like, you know, it must be nice to just work where you want to work at. And he said, Hey, what do you do for a living? And a lot of times I normally don't get into what I do because when I tell people I'm a dating coach, it usually leads to more questions and then longer conversation. I I just gener generally say that, you know, I'm an entrepreneur. But this particular guy, I was like, Yeah, I'll share. I said, I'm a dating coach. And he didn't get shocked like a lot of people do or start having a lot of questions about what I do or make jokes about what I do as if it's not a real career. I get that a lot. But he looked at me and he said, You are needed. He said, You are needed. And he proceeded to tell me about his daughter who got wrapped up in a troublesome marriage with a man who had addictions. And if she had someone like me, she probably wouldn't have made that choice. And I really felt seen in that in that very moment by someone who does not know me. And in a world where people don't even see dating coaching as a thing. And if they do, they're like, oh, you're exploiting people's insecurities. He's like, you're needed. And that was beautiful, you know, for me to experience. And then in addition to that, he also says, like, now is the best time. It's easiest now to date. And it's it was so funny to me because there's so many people talking about how modern dating is trash and and how the dating pool has pee, and this man is like, now's the best time to date. People have their own different perspectives. And I and I love the fact that he was able to provide different perspectives. But yeah, speaking of stories, I have three short stories I want to share to introduce the topic. And here's story number one. Story number one, one day there was a student of my work on stage in Clubhouse. She came to my stage. And by our conversation, I was suspecting that she wanted to go exclusive with uh a guy she was dating prematurely. Like that's that was my suspicion. So when I asked her the question, like, hey, like, why do you want to go exclusive with him? She told me, well, because, you know, he wants to go exclusive. He brought it up, and you know, he's been talking about it a lot. So that's story number one. Short story number two. There was a queen who recently came to me and she was like, Torah, I am so overwhelmed. I really don't know how to do this dating multiple men type stuff because these men are, you know, they're calling me throughout the day. They always want to see me. And I don't I don't really know how to how to manage that. So that's story number two. Short story number three is I had a uh student of my work come to the stage on Clubhouse, and she gets on stage and she's like, Torah, I really want to join C2C. I would love to join C2C, but I just don't have a lot of time. You know, I'm working so much. I do so much into the community, I do so much for my family and friends. I just don't have a lot of time to do C2C. And that was short story number three. So do you want to know what each of these three stories have in common? You want to know? They are all stories of women who have not yet become the sun in their love life solar systems. They are not the sun S-U-N in their love life solar systems. They are living and loving unconsciously. They are living and loving without power, and they are living and loving disconnected from themselves. And one of the major concepts that I do teach as a dating coach, as a love coach, is for you guys to view your love life as a solar system. And your love life solar system, just imagine, right? You are the sun. You are the sun. Now, quick fun fact the sun is the only star in our solar system that we have with Earth and Mercury and Uranus, all the planets. It is the only star in our solar system, even though we have millions and billions of stars in the galaxy in the universe. This means that you are the star in your love life. You and look, this doesn't mean that you're entitled and that everyone and everything must bow down to you or kiss your ass. Like, it simply means that you are the leading woman, the main character. You have the most important role because it's your love life. And not only do you exist as the sun in your love life, but all other matter in your solar system orbits around you. For example, the men you date, they orbit around you, like the planets, your job, your school, the activities you choose to participate in, your family, your friends, your life, the matters of your life, it orbits around you like asteroids. It's not the other way around. Okay, you are not at the mercy of the matters of your life. The matters of your life are at the mercy of you. And so the women that I shared in those short stories, in three short stories, they are not being the sun. They are not the star of their lives, and they are at the mercy of the matters of life. And at this point, you know, you're probably wondering, okay, like why are we even talking about this? Like, why are we having the conversation? And we're having this conversation because too many of us women have been conditioned to be people pleasers. We make decisions so that, you know, people feel good about us, right? We make decisions so people don't feel bad. Not because it's our desire. Like we're people pleasing. Like, I don't, I don't want to say no because I want people not to feel bad. Or I'm gonna do this because I want people to feel good. People pleasers. We as women have been conditioned to be nice girls, right? We be making decisions just so we don't rock the boat with others, just so that there's no conflict. No one side eyes us. Nice girls, we've been conditioned to be that. We've been conditioned to seek validation outside of ourselves, right? We make decisions so that people are gonna approve of us. Even when it comes to, you know, us in our schooling and the careers we take on, a lot of that is for validation, for approval. Yeah, you're a good girl and you do good things. Pat on the head. We've also been conditioned to be dominated by men, meaning that we be making decisions that are in alignment with the agenda of male control. So if men are saying things like, oh, well, in this, and I'm talking about a certain group of men, not men in general, like, oh, we don't date single mothers, or we don't date big girls. And then we're like, oh, well, that means I gotta lose weight for these men to want me, or oh, that means I gotta, uh, I can't have a quality man because I'm a single woman. I'm a single mother. We're conditioned. I can't count how many times I've had women come to me and they say, Tora, I've been listening to this person on YouTube, I've been in this person's clubhouse, and you know, they're saying things like, if you're not this type of woman and you're not this size, and if you don't look this way, and if you don't have this and have that, like you won't be able to attract the quality man. And just like we love to be dominated by men. We've been conditioned. Like, why would that even hold space in my head? And because of all of us being conditioned to be people pleasers, nice girls seeking validation outside of ourselves, being dominated by men, we have false beliefs that we have to do certain things. I have to pick up this phone because a guy called. I have to go to work. I have to. Won't God do nothing but but die, literally. I always say we ain't gotta stay black no more because they have surgery for that. But yeah, we don't have to do things. We have false beliefs. We choose to do certain things. We don't have to do anything. We also care too much about what people think and how our actions can make them feel bad, right? We're like, oh, I don't I don't want to tell them that, you know, we're out of alignment because I don't, I don't want to make him feel bad, but I also don't want to string him along, like we're just caring too much. And I've had people, you know, caring, not telling people that they've joined the C2C program because they're like, they don't want to hear what people have to say about them hiring a dating coach. We abandon ourselves so that we can play a role that we believe people will love and respect. Like a lot of us, especially in the church, we have abandoned who we are so that we can play the role of good girl. We can play this role of good girl, not in the streets, down a lot of notches on her belt, keeps her legs closed, you know, makes people happy, knows how to cook and clean. No, we abandon ourselves to play these roles. And then we deny our deepest desires just so we don't rock the boat with people. And all of this results in us living and loving in a way that does not truly serve us, even though it may serve everybody else. So it's kind of like we're watching our love lives happen. Or not happen, but we're watching it, right? We're not participating in it. So a good example, if you've ever watched Get Out, have you ever watched that movie? Get Out is the movie by Jordan Peele. And uh it's about a black man going home with his to visit his white girlfriend's family. And when he goes, spoiler alert, spoiler alert, like turn up the podcast or fast forward if you don't want to listen to this part, if you haven't seen the movie, but he goes to meet her family, but when he gets there, he realizes some strange stuff is going on. And the mother is a hypnotist who, by the clanking of or the stirring of her spoon in a in a cup, would send this man into like something that looks like outer space. Like he disconnects from his body. He's in his consciousness, but he is watching through his eyes, but he can no longer control his body. He's watching what's happening, her, the outside, you know, what's going on, but he's floating. It looks like space, and they call it the sunken place. Okay, so it looks like he was sent to outer space into this sunken place. That's what's happening to a lot of us. We have been conditioned in a way and hypnotized in a way that we've been sent to the sunken place where we're just floating in our own consciousness, not like going through the motions, not really in control of our lives, letting whatever else control us. You're alive. He was alive. Like the black people in that movie who had the the neurological transplant to have the the white people living inside of them, those black people were still alive in the in their consciousness. They was just existing, though. They were they were not in control. But right now I'm about to flash the camera. Flash the camera so you can get in into control. But here's here's what it looks like though to like simply exist but not be in control of your love life. It looks like struggling to date because you feel like you ain't got enough time. Oh, Torah, I don't have enough time to date. It looks like struggling to date because you feel like you don't have enough energy. Like, oh, I'm so tired. I work a full-time job, I got kids, I'm so tired, I don't have enough energy to date. It looks like feeling overwhelmed when you jump on these dating apps because of all the matches you got and all the conversations. You're like, what do I do? You're existing, but you're not in control. It looks like you're feeling overwhelmed because men are calling and they're texting you randomly throughout the day and you're at work and you have meetings and you're not able to take these calls, and you're like, but what if they think I don't like them? It looks like you're feeling pressured because men are telling you, like, girl, I want to see you, I want to see you more. And you're like, oh man, I don't know if I have uh another slot to see him more than once a week. You feel pressured because a man you're dating wants to be exclusive. Like second date, he's like, You my woman. And you're like, what do I do? It also looks like to not be in control, to just be existing, when you feel triggered when men act in ways you don't approve of. Men, you know, state that they want sex, and you're like, How dare you ask me for sex? I've only known you for a week. Being triggered by that. It looks like waiting for men you like to choose you. Like, oh, that's my front runner, and I'm distracting myself with other men and hoping this man choos, hoping my front runner chooses me. It looks like feeling restless because you feel like your relationship with a man isn't progressing fast enough. You're like, oh, we're dating, but I just I think we need to be moving exclusively. How can I move us towards exclusivity? So that's what it looks like to exist in your love life and not be in control. This is what it looks like to not be the sun. But I want you to notice the emphasis on the word feel. I said feel a lot, feel triggered, feel pressure, feel overwhelmed. I'm emphasizing this because your feelings aren't reality. You're feeling drained, overwhelmed, pressured, triggered, restless. Your feelings aren't reality. And in all of the scenarios, you feel out of control in some way. When you when in reality, you don't have to feel that way. You are choosing to feel this way because you have chosen not to be the sun. You've chosen not to be the center of your love life solar system. And this is why you're feeling overwhelmed, you're feeling pressured, you're feeling triggered, you're feeling restless. And because of this, because you've chosen not to be the sun, you have disempowering thoughts that result in disempowering feelings. Back to some fun facts about the sun. Like, not only is the sun the only star in our solar system, but National Geographic tells us that the sun is what holds the solar system together. It's what holds it together. And everything in the solar system revolves around it. So, you, Queen, you as the sun, you hold your life together. You hold your love life together, not the other round. Your love life does not hold you together. Your life doesn't hold you together. You, your gravity, your energy holds your love life together. You are the one that decides how often you pick up the phone, how often you go out on dates, how many men that you date. You decide these things. Also, the sun is the center of attention. So whenever you are living your life as if it's out of control, as if your work is taking precedence, your school is taking precedence, even your children. Remember, you are the center of attention here. This is about making sure that you are well nourished and well attended to so that everything else can be attended to properly. We also know that the sun from scientists, they tell us that the sun is how we know what time it is. Like we wouldn't know what time it is if we didn't have the sun, right? The reason why we have these watches and clocks is based upon the position of the sun. So when we talk about, oh, I don't have enough time to date, you are what determines time in your life. You are the one that decides to carve out time, to make time. Time does not run you. Whatever is taken up, quote unquote, taking up all your time, it is because you have chosen that. You can choose differently as the sun. You know what time it is. Switch things up. The sun also generates its own energy. There is no, oh, I'm just, I'm so, I'm, I never have enough energy to date. Generate the energy. That's one of the things I love to teach in Curve to Cuff. We teach them how to create their energy uh on a daily basis with the daily dose. And that is where we purposely and proactively trigger neurotransmitter, chemical neurotransmitters to the brain. We got the dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphin's dose that we call the daily dose, so that they can generate their own energy. But yeah, the sun generates its own energy. That's something that you need to be doing proactively, managing and creating your own energy. And then there could be no planets without the sun in its place. None. And we have to be able, as the sun, realizing that we are the one in the driver's seat when it comes to our love lives. There are no, if you're not in place as the sun, the men ain't gonna be in place. And then last but not least, like my favorite, the sun is hot. It's hot and it glows. Think about your hotness as a woman, you being able to embrace your sexuality. Understand that you're a sexual being. Even if you are not having sex, you're hot. And then you glow, you're letting your light shine before all men so that they can see who you really are. And here's what happens when you actually decide to be the son. When you choose to leave the sun in place from watching life and love happen to you and finally take your rightful throne as the son. Number one, you take 100% responsibility for your love life. You don't blame your demanding career. You don't blame modern dating. You don't blame the dating apps, you don't blame men. You take 100% responsibility for why your love life looks the way it looks. Two, men do not dictate your decisions when you're the son. Your desires do. At this point, when you're the son, you don't go exclusive because a man wants you to, because he's saying I want to lock you down. No. You become exclusive once you have enough data and you desire to go. You don't feel the need to pick up the phone just because a man called you. Like his notification does not require your immediate response. You don't feel the need or the pull. You don't feel the need to answer a question just because a man wants you to. This man asks you about your exes and on the first date and You're like, what do I do? What do I say? Why do you even have to answer it? Especially on the first date. Men don't dictate your decisions. You your desires do when you're the son. Also, when you're the son, men's actions stop causing a knee-jerk reaction in you. If a man you like is not calling calling you, it doesn't cause you to spiral out. A man ghosting you that you like, it doesn't cause you to doubt whether you're enough. A man spending a lot of money on you, it's not easily impressive to you. You don't say, oh, he spent a lot of money. He must be really caring about me or really into me. No. Men's actions are not causing knee-jerk reactions in us. We're able to look at the data. We're able to see if we're in alignment. Also, as the sun, you keep that same energy. Remember how we talked about the energetics of the sun? You show up as the woman you desire to be, regardless of how men are choosing to show up. The sun does not change its form because of the planets. The planets are the ones that change their form because of the sun. So if you go out and you smile and wave, and two men did not smile and wave back at you, you don't stop the energy and stop the smiling and waving. You don't start feeling sorry for yourself. You keep that same energy. And you stop being so easily triggered by what men do and how people view you. So for example, like men text you, what are you doing? or ask you, you know, for sex. Like you're not triggered by that. Like that doesn't like send waves through your body, like, I'm so annoyed. Like, no, you're the son. Why would I be pressed? Okay. And you stop complaining about family members, like, for example, who think your singleness is a disability. And they're like, why are you still single? Like, you're not tripping off of that. You're not triggered by that. You're also, when you're the son, you are aligned with truth instead of trying to, you know, avoid hurting someone's feelings. And so truth may be he's a nice quality guy, but he's not a good fit. That's the truth. And when we're the son, we're not concerned about hurting his feelings. We're concerned about what's kind, what's true. And the truth is it was a pleasure connecting with you and meeting with you. We don't have the romantic chemistry or the alignment that I would be looking for in a romantic partner. And I would absolutely like for us to be friends instead. When you are the son, you have plenty of time and energy to date. You date your own way because you are the son and you decide what dating looks like that where you feel powerful, where you have carved out the time, where you have created the energy. And then as the son, you know how to walk away from nice things because it's not in alignment with your solar system. You learn how to do that. A lot of women are walking away from, you know, abuse. They're walking away from men who has not have not treated them well. And so it's easy for us to look at and be like, yeah, girl, you should have left. It's much harder when we're dating men who treat us well. And we think that because they treat us well and they're quality men, that that's the cue to stick around. No. There needs to be in alignment. And you should always be willing to walk away from nice men, from good men, from quality men, from nice things that are not in alignment. And uh one of the stories that I tell often is there was a guy that I was dating and we had so much fun together. It was only like a few weeks, and we had really fun dates, really nice dates. They were they seemed to be very passionate in uh the way we had discussions, and then I remember even like dancing in the rain with him, like to like two o'clock in the morning, um, in a mall parking lot. He was just a lot of fun. We connected on the scriptures and our faith, and we connected, we worked at the same place, so we connected there, but I walked away from it. It was very nice. He was very handsome, very attractive, and I walked away. It was a nice thing. I walked away because I was the son and I realized that we were not in alignment. We were not in alignment because I told him, in order for us to continue to interact and move seriously, because he was like, I think you're gonna be my wife. I was like, Well, you'll need to form a bond or a connection with the strong men in my life. You'll need to reach out to them. He's like, Wow, we're not that serious yet. I don't I don't think I need to do that. And I said, Okay, you're telling me that you think that I'm gonna be your wife, but you don't want to connect with these men. I got it. So I decided to walk away from that because we were out of alignment. Now, after listening to all that I shared, the question that might be being asked within you right now is, okay, Torah, I'm hearing what you're saying. I'm picking up what you're putting down. I want to be the sun. How do I do this? And I I absolutely have tons of things that I could share, but I won't because I do not want to overwhelm you. And uh two, I don't want to record hour, like tons of hours of uh on one podcast. So I'm gonna start small. And simply, if you want to start becoming the son today, I want you to ask yourself the question: what do I desire? What do I desire? Not what should I do? Or what do I do? Or what's the best thing to do? Or what's the right thing to do? None of those questions. The question is, what do I desire? And that seems like a simple question, but the reason why this is so important is because the more we know what our desires are, the more we understand what they are, the less we feel the need to conform to the desires of others. Our own desires, when we put them first, they become the most important voices that will lead our decisions. Not these men, not our family, not our friends, not our boss, not our professors. And this desire is not compensatory, okay? Meaning that it's not a desire out of weakness and frustration, right? So, for example, I'll give an example of that. A lot of times women are like, I'm in, I'm keeping my legs closed, I'm abstaining from sex. A lot of times it's a compensatory desire because what they truly desire is to be able to engage with men who respect their boundaries. But they're closing their legs and they're being absent because they fear that men aren't taking them seriously. They fear that men are using them. And so that's why they're keeping their legs closed. It's not an empowerment, it's a compensatory desire. It's it comes from frustration and weakness. And that's not the desire I'm talking about. The desire is not fake. The desire is not in fear of loss. It needs to be a true desire. And the reason why we are stuck in uh non-existent love lives, stuck dating low-quality men, stuck dealing with dusty dating practices, boring jobs, engaging with uh judgmental family, demanding needy friends is because we are repressing our desires. We're repressing them all so we can play an acceptable role as the nice girl, as the people pleaser, as the dominated woman. But when we really understand what we truly want and we really commit to going after what we want, our desires, it increases our self-worth. And when we increase our self-worth, we become the center of the attention. We become the star of our lives, the star of our love lives. And when we produce our own self-worth and place value, true value on our desires, others will come in droves. Quality people will come in droves because they will be attracted to that energy and fall in line. Now, the people who fed off of your other energy that wasn't the sun in the sunken place, they're gonna fall off. A lot of them are gonna fall off because they're not going to be in alignment with you being the sun and you being the center, and that's okay. That's okay. And so if you are now wondering, okay, Torah, I get what you're saying about desires. How do I how do I find my true desires? I want to make sure it's not a compensatory desire or a fake one. Just ask yourself the following questions. What would I do if I didn't care what others thought? What would I do if I was right no matter what? Right? Because a lot of times from my clients or women who come to Clubhouse, they're always like, you know, what's the right thing to do, Torah? What's the right way to text? The right way to say things? What if you were right no matter what you did? That's the desire. What would I do if I knew everyone would be happy with my decision? A lot of times we don't make certain decisions because we're like, well, I wonder what people would think about me. Just imagine, doesn't matter. People are all gonna be happy for you. I want you to ask yourself those questions. Once you come up with the desire, the true desire, give yourself permission to follow, to commit to making it come to fruition. And that is when you become the son. Now, there's so much more I could teach you about you becoming the son and stepping into that. Like I can teach you about living by your core values. I can teach you about creating, communicating, and executing your boundaries, managing your mind, investing in your energy, mastering your time. I probably will have to do several different podcasts to kind of cover these. Or, I mean, you can literally just join C2C and get all of this in 90 days to become the sun. So that's my shameless plug to join my mentorship program. You can find out how to join or enroll into the upcoming cohort in the show notes if you're interested. But yeah, that's what I have for you today, Queen. Step out, tap into your desires, become the sun in your love life solar system. That's all I have for you. And I look forward to connecting with you next week. Bye. If you thought this episode was dope and you learned from it, it would be amazing if you could take a screenshot, post, and tag me on Instagram at TorSense. I would absolutely love to connect with you over there. And if you're serious about leveling up in your love life, you gotta check out Curve to Cuff. It's my 12-week mentorship program for high achieving women of faith who want to build a rotation of quality men in 90 days or less so they can choose their legacy partner in as early as a year. You can apply to join the next cohort at curve tocuff.com slash details. That's curved, the number two cuff.com forward slash details. I'd love to have you join the next cohort of C2C. And remember, never settle because you have choices. Choose how you want to love, choose who you want to date, and always choose to date with friends.