DWC REWIND: When Dating Him Feels Like a Crack Addiction

Out of all the men we date…there’s always this ONE that we really like…but we find it hard to have him. 

We wanna hear from him daily 

We wanna see him all the time. 

And we freak out when he’s being inconsistent, emotionally unavailable or even pulling away. 

Some of us don’t realize that the ONE we like…is the one that feeds our addiction to dysfunction. 

Like crack, this man stimulates us and even though he is the source of a lot of problems in our life…we still strongly desire him.  

In this episode, I take time to coach a Queen who is addicted to dating a man who is tall, dark and dysfunctional…and we explore why this is a thing for her and what exactly she should do about it. 

HERE’S WHAT YOU’LL DISCOVER: . 

• The lies we tell ourselves when we are addicted to men who are not good for us. 

• The root causes of our addictions and why we stay stuck in the cycle. 

• How feeling chemistry with a man can also be a sign of dysfunctional addiction. 

• Why it’s not always easy for us  to be interested in other men who are able to offer us healthy forms of companionship. 

• The truth about why we love to be controlled and dominated and why we confuse it with “Alpha” energy. 

• How I lost my voice in my own marriage due to my own relationship addictions

FEATURED ON THE SHOW

• BOOK: Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change

Be sure to get more dating gems by following me on Instagram at:

@torahcents 

@curved2cuffed

Transcript

Welcome And Who We Serve

SPEAKER_03 0:04

Welcome to the Date with Sense Podcast. This is the place you come to have a fun, fruitful, and forward-moving dating experience towards marriage or whatever your desired romantic constellation. I am your host, Taurus Since, and I am here to help you, as a high-achieving woman of faith, attract quality marriage-minded men and confidently date for the romantic partnership you desire. And on this podcast, I'll be sharing my best practical tips, tools, and advice on how to transform your love life from the inside out so that you attract the best men and have the best dating experiences. You're already well educated and well paid. Now is the time for you to also be well loved.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

Hello, Queen.

Reviews And The Clip Setup

Breadcrumb Ex And Relationship Stuck

SPEAKER_03 1:01

Welcome back to the Davidson's podcast. I am on Cloud9Girl. So this past weekend, Team Torah and I hosted the Hot Girl Summer Retreat, and it was everything I envisioned it to be. Times 10. Like literally blew my mind how incredible this event was and what we were able to do. And like we had like high-energy sessions, practical gems you could implement immediately, informative QA sessions, and all day teaching and twerking. So we had a really great time. And one of the highlights was me introducing my newest program, formation. And formation is for women who desire to do the deep layered self-work to transform themselves first and the world around them so that they can actually be ready to create love in their lives. There's so many blocks that is preventing women to like be love ready, to be rotation ready, like to have their own rotation, to be attracting high-quality men ready. And so this is the guided work that I'm introducing. And if you'd like to do that work with me, feel free to um enroll. As there is no application for formation, there is just a commitment to be a hundred percent present as well as a full-bodied yes that this is for you. So if you're interested, we have the early bird rate for another few days. I'll put it in the show notes, and I would love for you to join me in uh in the program. But anywho, special shout out to Team Tor for the Hot Girl Summer Retreat, like the cufflinks who were on the panel, and everyone who attended to make this event a success. The Facebook group is lit and I'm loving all the posts in the group pre-the event and after the event, like celebrating this amazing experience. So, speaking of celebrating, I've been celebrating the dope reviews you all have been leaving on the podcast. And so this review I recently saw like truly lit me up inside and out. And it's from Diva and Scrubs. And so she says, God's timing is perfect. I love this podcast. I found it just when I needed it. I get the word, I laugh, I cry, I think outside the box. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for helping me on my journey to becoming the woman God created me to be. Thank you, Diva and Scrubs. I am so glad that you left this review. It was such a fun review to read. So shout out to everyone leaving those reviews. So, in this particular episode of the podcast, I'm actually sharing another clubhouse clip. And in this clip, there's a queen that comes to the stage and asks me, how do you navigate a relationship that isn't progressing the way you would like? And I'm sure she thought I was gonna answer that question, but instead of her getting like a simple response from me, she ended up opening up a whole Pandora's box to what was really happening for her. And like we got deep into that. And so I'm sure many of you listening will see yourselves in her. So tune in from a place of empathy and self-observation as you tune into her story and revelation. So here's a clip. Anyway, who would like to unmute?

unknown 4:52

Alco.

SPEAKER_03 4:53

Hi, Torah. Hi, who's Algo?

SPEAKER_01 4:57

Adora. Oh, my name is Adora.

SPEAKER_03 5:00

Hi, Adora.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

How are you?

SPEAKER_03 5:03

I am incredible. Feeling very relaxed right now.

SPEAKER_01 5:07

Amazing. I'm in that same headspace. I just ordered some DoorDash, so yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:14

Girl, listen, speaking of that, girl, I've been ordering African food all this weekend. Why? Y'all messed up and told me about foo-foo. Listen, ma'am.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Be careful now. I mean, though those hips, you know, like you eat too much of it. They won't.

SPEAKER_03 5:28

Well, I've been eating it all this weekend. Winnie took me to a Cameroonian baby shower, and I've been eating foo foo all weekend and today too. Love it, love it.

SPEAKER_01 5:39

Try a goosey soup or okra soup. Those are my two faves. Or even Oha soup is also good as well.

SPEAKER_02 5:45

Oh, Lord help me.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

Yes, I I honestly I have actually been um introduced to you about maybe about a two months ago, and I've been uh consuming your um your contents, your podcasts, amazing. I also um uh downloaded the uh I think it's uh the the workshop um and have been learning so much um about really centering yourself in your um your dating and your relationships and uh becoming the the sun in your solar system uh centered with a few of my friends as well. And you know, we're all in that space where we are definitely thinking about, you know, we want a serious relationship, we're definitely thinking about family. Um, but I I have a question about like exes and um those exes that that they keep coming back, or you know, you sp you mentioned emotional um exclusivity, right? Where you know you are dating, but you're you know, you have a certain emotional bond with a particular person. And in the back of your mind, like, you know what, if things worked out, he's the person I would definitely want to be with, but you find that he's almost like they call him what is it, like a a breadcrumber, you know? It's like he's not giving you the full plate, but he's giving you breadcrumbs. Um, and then because you're you're dating guys that are willing to see you with a full plate, those bread, those breadcrumbs are they're insufficient, you know? Like I'm just not willing to accept that. But then what happens is that you you want him to give you the full plate. So what would be your question? I think I think it's just like, how can I change my approach with someone that's um um maybe what would you advise? Would you just do you think just cut off a relationship that's not progressing the way that you would like and just focus on dating other guys? What's the relationship? Is there a way to turn it around?

SPEAKER_03 7:47

What's the relationship and why don't you like it?

SPEAKER_01 7:52

I just find him to be just super inconsistent, you know. Um, it's it's I think we've gone to the point where we probably How long have y'all been dating? So I dated him in 2018. Mm-hmm. Um, we dated for about a year and a half, then we broke things off. Um, and then I started dating someone else, was in a relationship, but he's just always around, you know, he's always like there. And definitely have a certain like comfortability um with him. We built a like a friendship over time. So how long have you been dating? Um, like out of a relationship? Um since January, actually. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:36

Okay, since January, are you guys exclusive?

SPEAKER_01 8:39

Him and I, no. So actually I was so in January, I was in another relationship. Okay. Um, and then I ended that, and then once I ended that relationship, he was he was around and we said, okay, maybe we me and him can try again or see if it can like there's something. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 8:55

So how long have y'all been dating? Uh like three months or so. Okay. So three months. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:05

And is he the only guy that you're dating right now?

SPEAKER_01 9:09

To be honest with you, yes. I haven't quite built that rotation that you speak of yet.

SPEAKER_03 9:16

Well, you don't need to have a rotation to be dating, right? You have to earn your way onto a rotation. You just don't get there. Okay. So he's the only one you're dating, period. Yes. Going on. Why isn't is he the only one you're going on dates with?

SPEAKER_01 9:32

To be honest, Torret, so I am not the best. Like, I'm I've always been in relationships, so I prefer. Is he the only one you're going on dates with? Presently, yes.

SPEAKER_02 9:42

Okay. Yeah. Alright, why is that?

SPEAKER_01 9:48

I don't know. I just I don't I like dating, and I I I find like guys are not a huge issue for me. Like, I know like attention, like that's not a big thing, or like date. I just don't like the process of dating.

SPEAKER_03 10:01

Okay, you want to get to a destination. I like being in a relationship. Yeah. You're like, skip this other stuff. I need you to make me feel good.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

Yeah. Like, I just, yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 10:16

Okay. And so what happens when you get in a relationship? What then?

SPEAKER_01 10:21

Um, what then? Um, I mean, it progresses, but I think it's more like I feel a bit rushed in the relationship where the person has their destination to trying to take things to. Um, but I'm just almost like slowed down or I'm out of the way. What happens when you get in a relationship?

SPEAKER_03 10:40

What then?

SPEAKER_01 10:41

Um, it's, I mean, it lasts, but it doesn't, I tend to leave the relationship. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_03 10:50

You said I just want to get into a relationship. Why? Like, why do you want to just get in one? What happens when you get in one?

SPEAKER_01 10:58

No, I don't I think it's more about I'd rather I just want like, I just feel like I like I prefer commitment versus like casual dating. Why? Um, it's just more stable. It's not, it's a bit.

SPEAKER_03 11:13

Didn't you just broke up with O'Brien from 2018? I did. What makes a relationship so so much more stable than regular dating? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 11:24

I think regular dating, um, it's just a lot of like, it's it's enjoyable, no doubt. Um, but I I don't think there's like an end game in mind, or there's no like shared vision per se. It's very, it's casual. And I'm not I'm not a casual person.

SPEAKER_03 11:41

So what happened with the shared vision between you and Old Boy in 2018?

SPEAKER_01 11:46

Um to be honest, I think it's still there, but um, I just got what's the shared vision? I think we both know that we definitely um we're ready, like as individuals, we both know that we want a family. We definitely want to, you know, settle down. Like I'm Nigerian, so that's like a family's a big part of our culture.

SPEAKER_03 12:08

So So you don't think people that you're dating also wanna have a relationship and settle down? They definitely do. Okay. So what's the shared vision that you and him have that you couldn't have with no other person that you're casually dating?

SPEAKER_01 12:25

You mean in terms of like like family and settling down?

SPEAKER_03 12:30

Well, you said there's a shared vision. Yeah. And what you shared is like you see on tons of men's profiles that that's what they desire. So what what stops you from dating casually if they all have shared visions? Why is a shared vision making you say, I want a relationship?

SPEAKER_02 12:48

Uh-huh. I mean, that's a good question.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Um, I think I just have never I've always been in a relationship. So I haven't like dated casually. So it's like new terrain for you. So maybe it's a there's a little bit of fear there. Also, like I'm just not like dating multiple guys. I don't know. It's just not something that's something that I know I can easily do. I just haven't done it because I've always been like in a relationship. Also, you've never done it. I honestly I've always been in a yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:19

So you just making up stories about something you've never done.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

Well, I haven't, I haven't dated like super like like casual. Like if it's like getting tons of attention, okay, that's there.

SPEAKER_03 13:32

But in terms of like Yeah, you've never done it. And you're like, well, it's just cause no share vision. So we're making up stories about something we've never actually done. Yeah. Yeah, it's like someone when you're like, they're working nine to five and they're like, yeah, just I've always worked nine to five, like I could never be an entrepreneur. Like, why would I do that? Like, I could never do that. I've always been a nine to fiver. I could never create a business. Yeah. You know? It's kind of like the similar logic. Yeah. Now there's a difference between like I've explored all of this and I definitely do not want to be an entrepreneur. Right? But there hasn't even been an exploration there.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

Yeah. I I think that's the thing, is I'm just not as open to like uh the casual dating.

SPEAKER_02 14:28

Okay. Yeah. And why not? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

Um, I I don't know. I I just think like I like being a one-woman man. Like I like being like with which my guy. I enjoy that. And no, but why? I don't know. It's just, it's, it's just, it's always been like me. Like I've always I just enjoy being with a guy that I really admire.

SPEAKER_03 14:54

And you've never dated multiple men, so you have no idea how enjoyable that could be. I know Toro, but several different men showing up for you. Like you've never experienced that.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

Yeah. No, I think about I you can have that, but I just always think to myself, it's like, and then what?

SPEAKER_03 15:15

And then you go exclusive with one of them, and then you decide what type of romantic partnership you want. I mean, that's like getting married, and then what? Y'all married now, and then what? True.

SPEAKER_02 15:29

Right? Yeah. Now you're married, and then what? What are you gonna do with your life now? You create something with it. True, you create something out.

SPEAKER_03 15:39

We think marriage is a destination, which is why we're like dating, dating multiple, that's a waste of my time. It's not the destination. There's no destination. It's all a journey. You get to marriage, that's also a journey. There is no destination when you land, you're mad, and just you're just set for the rest of your life. It's some other hardship about to happen. Yes. Right? And so dating multiple men is hard, but also marrying one man is hard. Right? When he's pissing you off, you like if you especially like if you're a monogamous, he pissed you off. You're not, you can't run to, you know, to go hang out with Derek.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

Mm-hmm. But I think that it's funny because I think even in relationships, I tend to have that mindset where I'll be in a relationship, but I may have like, you know, if this isn't work out, you know, there's like a plan B. So it's like I am dating multiple, but I'm in a relationship. It's it's just it's I think I have certain habits that I have to like let go. Because it just makes it, I think it just makes it easier to maybe leave a relationship when you feel like, well, you know, if this isn't a workout, then there is like it should be easy to leave.

SPEAKER_03 16:54

Okay. You're not married. Why do we want to make it hard to leave someone we're not married to? It should be very easy to leave his ass. Okay. Yeah. That's that's the that's the purpose of being able to leave people fast and easy when we're not legally committed to them in that way. It's true. Or we have not set vows. We need to be able to run fast. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

Do you do you like what are your thoughts on like dating an ex? Like, I kind of feel like it's point pointless. Even if they do keep coming back, like, would you date an ex?

SPEAKER_03 17:27

I would, depending on why he's my ex. Okay. Right? There's multiple, like, there's like these rules where people are like, don't go back to an ex. They're an ex for a reason. Yes. I mean, yeah, it could be multiple reasons why. And it could it it could be the fact that y'all were not ready at the time. Mm-hmm. It could be the fact where you couldn't see yourself at the time. It it could be the fact that both of you needed some growing to do. Like, I don't know what the reason was. Could be that he was a fuckboy. I don't know. So for me to tell you not to go back to an ex is irresponsible. And actually, it's irresponsible because it's your journey. Whatever lesson you need to learn, it could be there. And I don't know. I know. So it depends on why somebody's my ex. If he was an ex because he was beating my ass, no. Mm-hmm. If he's an ex because I was stubborn, I could not see certain things, I was in my victimhood. Yeah. Um, you know, I didn't know how to manage conflict. And then we both came back together and we wanted to try again. Yeah, I would do it.

SPEAKER_01 18:39

But then he also has, we have like old habits that we've created from the past that are still playing out. So how do you reset the relationship? Because I just will not tolerate what like how things were in the past if we're really gonna take this thing seriously.

SPEAKER_03 18:53

But it doesn't, you said he's inconsistent. What does that mean first before I answer that?

SPEAKER_01 18:59

Like he's just like his follow, like I just think his follow game through is a bit weak. And I didn't have time for it. Like, for example, um, so like him and I, we are in a space where you know, we want to spend time together, right? So we've been talking about, you know, maybe going away for um a a couple of days and just chilling out. Um, but then I'm not like in terms of like playing paying for the flight and planning it and like getting things done, it's like I'm not gonna remind you of that, right? Like I'm not going to apply pressure in that way. Like if you and then for me, it's like I just want to see like more follow-through. Like, if we're gonna do it, then let's do it. Versus your it's like if I don't bring it up, it's almost like it's it doesn't happen. So I'm just gonna stop bringing it up and then I'm gonna start moving on, right? So that's what I mean by inconsistent.

SPEAKER_03 19:56

Okay, what else is inconsistent?

SPEAKER_01 19:59

Um I think so I find that um the prof like professing like the care. So I'm someone like I like words of affirmation, so um him telling me like what I mean to him and you know what he wants and you know how he sees me. Um it doesn't happen on a it doesn't happen as frequently as I would like.

SPEAKER_03 20:26

Um or what's the type of affirmation you're looking for? Like if he would give you the perfect affirmation, what would that sound like?

SPEAKER_01 20:35

Um how do you say it? Like um, so for me, one thing that he's he's very good at is, you know, he's I feel like he uh from a friendship perspective, he knows who I am. So um like making it clear as like what his plans are with me and you know where he's that affirmation, or is that like you wanting him to move y'all into a relationship? Maybe I think it's I think it's the latter. I think it's the the relationship piece. What if he doesn't do that? And that's the thing. And that's the thing. So even if we what if he doesn't want to do that? So even this weekend, so I did try like dating someone. So I went on a date and we were at a restaurant with someone else, and then he just like he calls, right? And he just wanted to know who the person was, he wanted to go on face, like it was so dramatic, you know? And I'm standing here thinking to myself, like, I don't owe you anything, I'm not in a relationship with you. But then he's like making his presence known, right? And then it became one of those things where like they wanted to go back and forth over me. And it was very I didn't He was there? Yeah. Like he was like, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:53

Okay, did you ask to leave? He called. He called, he called, he called. Why did you pick up the phone on a date?

SPEAKER_01 22:00

I know, I know, I know, boundaries, boundaries.

SPEAKER_03 22:03

And why was that call even answered? I know. It just was like this repeated calls and like, you know. Why didn't you put them on Do Not Disturb or even block them? I know. I know.

SPEAKER_01 22:16

I know. But that's but that's the dramatic stuff from before, right? And I'm just not the same woman. Like I'm not doing all of that, you know? And then it's very simple. It's the same shit. It's the same thing, I know. This is something that you want.

SPEAKER_02 22:30

Yeah. You want this. Why?

SPEAKER_01 22:34

Maybe I don't, maybe I maybe I need to question that too, right?

SPEAKER_03 22:38

Because you say you're not the same woman, but the same stuff is happening.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

Yeah, I know. I know. And then I felt and I felt bad for the person I was on a date with as well, right? Because he's like, it's not a good look for me, and also it's just, it's unnecessary. But it's just that dynamic. And I guess, you know what? I think it's more com there's a comfortability because, you know, maybe that's just what I'm used to. Maybe even that's what I equate to like love, you know, like when they're dramatic and, you know.

SPEAKER_03 23:07

What does your family say about him and friends?

SPEAKER_01 23:12

Um, I mean, they think he's gorgeous. Uh, they think, you know, he's definitely has great qualities. Um, but I think they're just like, I don't know what his purpose or his intent is with you.

SPEAKER_03 23:26

So how tall is he? Is he over six foot? He's like six eleven. Lord, see y'all six. Listen, let me tell y'all something. When these men be over six feet tall, I mean the six, seven, seven men on up. I y'all just lose y'all minds, right? I'm like, he had to be.

SPEAKER_01 23:46

He don't sound like he's 5'9. Like it's that alpha energy. It's very, it's very like in your face. Oh, do do that. And like, I don't think it's, I realize I like it, right? And there's a part of me that is enjoying this, right? But it is something.

SPEAKER_03 24:04

Girl, I know it. I know, girl.

When Chemistry Is Actually Dysfunction

SPEAKER_01 24:08

He sounded like he was tall as hell. I know. And it's chemistry, I swear. It's like, I don't think it's like compati, like for us, it's very much like for chemistry, it's on like 10. Love it. But then all the other pieces are hot mess.

SPEAKER_03 24:25

Yeah, the chemistry has not like the chemistry can be dysfunction. Yeah. And your addiction to it. That's that's chemistry as well. Whenever you feel like butterflies in your stomach and you you you're on an all-time high, and you're not really feeling that high with other men, that could offer you something healthy, is because there's there's a there's an addiction to the dysfunction. There's something about this man that serves the identity that was created for you. Like you, like you, uh that you created for yourself when you were growing up. Something he does for you. Um you said he's real dominant, right? Very, very, like he's yeah. Where's your father?

SPEAKER_01 25:10

Uh he's in my life. Okay. Is he a dominant man? Not at all. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 25:16

Very loving, very caring. Very loving, very caring, and at times does he seem passive?

unknown 25:23

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 25:26

I think sometimes, but I I love that quality about it. Because he's able to, you know, keep everything afloat, which I appreciate.

SPEAKER_03 25:34

Okay. And then your mother. How is your mother?

SPEAKER_01 25:38

Oh. My mom is uh very no-nonsense. Like she is, you know, she is the the queen of her home for sure. Is she dominant? She's dominant, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:50

What did you think about that dynamic growing up? Or how did that yeah?

SPEAKER_01 25:56

I think, you know, growing up, I think my mom wanted my I think I always felt like maybe my my mom, it would have been a different home dynamic if my dad was a bit more dominant. And um, but I think also my mother and mother's just she's I love my mom to death, right? But it's just one of those things where it's just I like I haven't really seen like sub like like you know the whole thing about like submit, like a man is like the head and things of that nature and really takes control. I'm not it my dad was definitely a great provider, but that con that being able to control things or even to lead in a way, I kind of wish that was maybe more prevalent in my home. So, so yeah, so and I'm very much like my mom. Like I'm I'm I'm we're very similar in that way. So I like having a man that's able to, you know, kind of like direct and lead and guide, and I respond very well to it, you know? And it's funny, I think as I'm getting older, I'm realizing just how much I enjoy that dynamic. Whereas before, like honestly, Torah, I think my relationships, I tend to be the one that like runs it, and then I get tired and then I leave it. I'm like, okay, I'm done. Bye.

Daddy-Daughter Dynamic And Validation

SPEAKER_03 27:16

Yeah. Yeah. So when I was younger, yeah, I had a father that did not really lead and guide me, you know, and he was, you know, really passive and things like that. And so, and then at one point he eventually was out of my life. And so that identity turned into me wanting that from other men, like wanting someone to lead and guide me and to dominate me, and to play like the daddy role that I always wanted. Right. And so I was sharing with the ladies on stage, like that has been like the relationship dynamics that I had been attracted to. The daddy-daughter relationship, and that's what that sounds like you are attracted to, is there's something about a man putting you in check, dominating you, and having you yield to that excites you, whether subconsciously or consciously, it's like, oh, this is a real man. You know, he knows how to speak up, he knows how to ask for what he wants. And daddy, whatever daddy wants, daddy gets. Make sense? Yeah. Yeah. And unfortunately, when it comes to daddy-daughter relationships, when they aren't, when there's no awareness there, it can quickly uh be filled with dysfunction. Um, because it's not like an equal playing field, like equal partners where you're a woman, he's a man, and you guys are like um coming together as two partners. It's like he's daddy, he has lasse he pulls rank.

SPEAKER_02 29:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:04

And then daddy is cruel, you know. Daughter is like, okay, daddy, you know, I'll I'll call I know I'm on this date, daddy. I I I knew I shouldn't have been on this date, daddy.

SPEAKER_01 29:16

Sting. And I was there like trying to like coax him down, like, don't be upset. Like, it was so weird, Torah. I was like, what are you doing? Because for me, I'm just like, that's not it, even like in life, I'm always like, not even like an alpha, but I'm I'm strong, right? And it's by like by nature, I'm a leader. But then with like this one person, it's like he's just there's a way that he's able, there's a dynamic that we've created where he's just able to get away with a lot of crap, right? And I think it's like me.

SPEAKER_03 29:49

Definitely in that position. So I definitely understand you. Yeah, like I totally understand you. And it's really not about the man as much as it is the identity that you have and what your subconscious is seeking for you right now. Because like when daddy says something, um, like when I first got married, I lost myself. Because I when I went into my marriage, it was a daddy-daughter relationship. And I really lost myself at the beginning of my marriage. Like I literally had to find myself again. Like I was like hot girl before I got married. Then I get married, I'm like, oh, Dad, tell me what to do. Teach me the right way, guide me to the path, you know, show me righteousness. I'll follow. And I really lost myself. I lost my voice, I lost my opinions because daddy ruled. And it wasn't until I actually got mentorship and I started evolving, like getting my power involving into the woman that I like started finding my voice again. Um, and it be and and it and it leveled out. Um, so that because I I used to need validation from my husband. Like I needed him to validate me. I thought he was so smart and intelligent and he knew everything, because that's daddy. And so when um so when I had ideas, he had to approve of them for me to feel good. If if daddy didn't affirm me, oh my gosh. I was like, why doesn't he approve, or why doesn't he like this, or how can I prove to him that I'm a woman, or how can I prove to him that my ideas are right?

SPEAKER_01 31:35

And I think that might be the words of affirmation. It's more about validation or that's what I wanted from daddy too.

Homework Women Who Love Too Much

SPEAKER_03 31:44

I wanted the validation, like, please approve of me. Yeah. Tell me how great I am and amazing I am, and then when I share my opinion, it please tell me my opinion is good. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. So one thing I want you to do, I want you to do some homework, because I just think it's unnecessary to start talking about, like, oh girl, you need to leave him alone. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, that's not where I'm at with you because I understand where you're at, and that's not gonna be as helpful too either. Like, that's not gonna be helpful, like, girl, this, this, and that. I do want you to read the book, Women Who Love Too Much. Have you heard of it? Never, no. I want you to read that book, and that book is probably gonna blow your mind. Now, there's probably gonna be some instances like when you like start listening to, you're like, oh my gosh, the stories in here are outrageous. But there is going to be a time where you see yourself in the situation and understand why you have so much chemistry with a man like that. And it talks how about like how women who um are addicted to that type of dysfunction, like when they have like healthy men who really care for them and show up for them and could be a viable candidate, why there's no interest, why they're seen as boring. Or like you're not interested at all, it talks about that because it doesn't feed your identity, and you'll do whatever it takes to feed that identity that you cling on to. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I would get the book and start there, and at the very end of the book, get the audio book so you can just listen to it on the go. But at the very end of the book, it talks about how to move away from this. Okay. How to move away for it. But for right now, I I want you to read that book, and then I I also want you to think about is this what you really want for your life? Just think every single time something comes up. I don't even want to you, you know, you to cut him off or stop talking to him.

SPEAKER_01 33:45

And yeah, we I got actually went at his neck last night, so we're not even speaking right now. And he hasn't like, he doesn't answer my messages, and I find like I'm always like trying to like fight, and then I'll set up my for myself, and then he'll like give me the satin treatment, and then I'm trying to get like the attention. It's so dysfunctional, Torah, like so dysfunctional. But then I also think that this is someone that I know like I genuinely care for, like deeply, you know? But we just cannot get our shit together. So I'm at a point where I'm trying to move forward, I'm trying to, you know, apply all the Taurus sense in my dating realm. But then there's just this one person who just keeps. I know the worst part is that every time I move on to a relationship, it's like he's waiting in the the background. Like it's just like this, like this, this I don't know, this vulture that's like waiting in the background. And the minute that it doesn't work out, he's like, he swoops it. But then when he swoops in, that it doesn't last. It's like he enjoys when I'm in a relationship. To me, he wants to see, oh, will she come back? And the worst thing, and I'm just gonna be completely transparent. I think two nights ago we were talking, and he's like, oh, you know, like like you'll he's a like you'll always come back. Torah, that pissed me off. Like that, I was livid, you know? And I that's when I realized, oh no, like this is this there there's definitely something that we've created here that is not serving me or my highest good. Because if a man has that mentality about you, he will never give you. I just want I just I just want to either a clean slate or a reset. And that's where my mind is.

SPEAKER_03 35:22

Okay. Yeah. Um he's the crack and you're the crackhead, you know? And when when the crack shows up and says, ha ha, I'm back. I know you wasn't rehab. Come smoke me. I know you miss me. You're like, you're like, um, what's the what's the movie called? Uh with Nino Brown in it. What's the movie? New Jack City. New Jack City. When they got Chris Rock off that rock. They got rock, they got Chris Rock clean, y'all. And then he he, I don't know. That one scene where he's like shaking and putting it back. Listen, Ice T S was slow as I don't know what to put that man around some crack like that. I don't know what he was thinking. He was setting him up to die. But he put him back around the crack and the crack was calling him. That's what happens to you every time you go to rehab. You know, the crack comes back and says, ha ha, I'm back. Crack is back.

SPEAKER_02 36:30

Crack is back.

SPEAKER_03 36:32

So it's it's really hard for you to be like, I rebuke you, crack, because you you cracked out. So me telling you, girl, you better stop it, it makes no sense. It's like me telling a crackhead to stop smoking crack. It doesn't make sense, but what I can do is share with you how to get clean. Yeah. How can how you can get clean one awareness, which is that book. Okay. And then two, commitment to getting clean. And that is executing what is at the end of that book, because she shares exactly what to do.

SPEAKER_02 37:14

Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 37:16

How you feeling? Relieved that someone gets it. Girl, I've been there. I've been on that crack, baby.

SPEAKER_01 37:25

And then I feel so judged too, because I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm talking to him again. Because I know all my friends are like Adora again. You know, they don't even want to hear his name at this point. You know? But like you said, it's just, it's very unhealthy, you know. And I just, and I think also that daddy-daughter dynamic, it gets annoying for the guy as well, right? Because he's not seeing me at my most confident, most intelligent, and just like, you know, my best self. I'm shooting myself, that little girl who just wants that affirmation from him, right? And it just, it just breeds a lot of disrespect. And I just don't want that anymore.

SPEAKER_03 38:01

Yes, my husband hated that. He hated it. He was just like, why are you all up on me? Like, why are you coming for me like this? Or why are you, even though he enjoyed being daddy, he didn't like all the time me being he didn't like me being daughter.

SPEAKER_02 38:17

Yeah.

unknown 38:18

You know?

SPEAKER_03 38:19

Because they want a woman.

SPEAKER_01 38:20

They want a woman.

SPEAKER_03 38:22

They want a woman. Subconsciously, they want a woman, even though the the being daddy makes you feel more dominant. But ultimately, the respect comes when you become a woman. And I remember getting my voice back and having all this power in my marriage, and I was like, wow, this feels good. It feels good to be able to navigate this with this man at this point. It feels really, really good to have that. Now, okay. That being said, what's what's homework?

SPEAKER_01 38:55

Women that love too much, and uh a bit of a withdrawal from this guy. So just like I think pulling it back, and just we're not talking right now anyway. So, you know, just leaving things as is for now.

SPEAKER_03 39:11

Okay. And are you coming to Hot Girlsama?

SPEAKER_01 39:14

I'm in Toronto, so I don't know if I if I'm gonna be able to, but girl is virtual. It is virtual.

SPEAKER_03 39:21

Okay. We would love to. Regular ticket prices are$37, but we're gonna offer a early bird, and it's uh pretty much an all-day event on June 18th. I'll be there. Okay. And Hot Girl Summer is all about, it's all for the woman who is really at a point where she wants to become the son of her love life solar system.

SPEAKER_02 39:46

That's it.

SPEAKER_03 39:48

She she wants to trade, like, she wants to trade in other people's opinions for her true desires, you know? Um, and so I want to get you to point to a point where dating feels liberating for you. I want that to work. And easy for you, and not like this. I'm not in a relationship, so I don't feel secure. I don't feel stable. You'll feel stable whether you're dating five men or one man. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 40:19

Okay.

unknown 40:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 40:21

This was good, girl.

SPEAKER_03 40:25

Question. Heads up. I got a question for you. You can tell me no. Okay. The ladies in the chat are really enjoying this conversation, and a lot of them have said that it sounds like them or they relate it. I would like to know if I have permission to share this on my podcast.

SPEAKER_02 40:45

Absolutely. Go for it. Do y'all want to hear this on a podcast later on in the future? Yes.

SPEAKER_03 40:57

They said yes, girl. Yes. And so that being said, we want to hear updates because we want this queen to have updates.

SPEAKER_01 41:08

And and I think, honestly, Torah, I I realized more and more and that I think that once I'm able to figure me out, like the dating, it's like the guys are there. It's not the the meta's not there, it's just the fact that I keep creating this dynamic that I just no longer it doesn't serve me anymore. So I know that I'm that piece. So once I get me right, like it will all kind of fall into place. So I'm I'm confident about that. But it will take a bit of time and a bit of rehab.

SPEAKER_03 41:38

Now, seriously, that's all we need to do because you look like you're straight from Wakanda. Y'all look at her profile photo. This woman is queen. I mean, glistening, melanin, lips, cheekbones, nose, forehead. Look at that. Goddess energy all throughout this photo. She just needs to tap into it. That's it. But she's radiating.

SPEAKER_01 42:08

I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. That's where I'm at. So.

SPEAKER_03 42:14

I love it so much. This queen, thank you for being transparent and open. Naja said, shout out to Adora because I would have ran out of here after the second question and missed out on all this support. I watched one a few times, but I'm like, Dora, stick it out. But it's a beautiful thing whenever you can get through the hard part.

unknown 42:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 42:36

And we're so proud of you. I'm so proud of you, Queen, because you didn't have to come up here and be open. There's a lot of people that have been lurking on my stage over a year. You just over me a couple weeks ago.

SPEAKER_01 42:47

Yes. But like I said, I think, but I think it's Torah, like I love your energy, right? Because I see a lot of me in like how you approach things. But I also find that like how I am in work, in life with friends, it's not how I show up in my relationships. And I think you really did call it out about just like that daddy-daughter dynamic. Like that, it like it nailed it on the head. And um I just want to be myself throughout, whether I'm with friends, family, or my man, it just I just want to always show up like as me, as Ada, you know? So how old are you, Ada? I am 31.

SPEAKER_03 43:27

Girl, you got you got plenty of time. You're gonna, now that you know at this age, like and have awareness around it, you he have so much time to embody it. And I am more than sure you're gonna be able to get there. I'm confident you'll be able to get there.

SPEAKER_01 43:43

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Closing And How To Connect

SPEAKER_03 43:46

Let me breathe. Girl, get out, get that book. If you can get it on Audible, start listening to it, ASAP. And this, I would just love some updates, Queen. That's it. You get it. All right. All right, y'all hop in her DMs and show us the love. All right. Thank you, ladies. She got this. She is incredible for this. You know, folks be like, you know, I don't feel comfortable talking in front of people. Addle like, shoot, I'm trying to get some help. I'm trying to get this work. That clip was heavy and filled with a lot of twists and turns. And overall, I am so pleased that this queen was transparent and open enough so that like we could really get down to the nitty-gritty root cause to her romantic struggles. And if you can see yourself in her in any way, I do encourage you to grab the book, Woman Who Love Too Much. It's super recommended by me. And please make it a part of your life transformation by reading it, by implementing what it's sharing to do to like move past the dysfunction. It will blow your mind. So, all right, Queen. Hope you've enjoyed this episode. I gotta run, but I'll catch you later next week. Bye. If you thought this episode was dope and you learned from it, it will be amazing if you could take a screenshot, post, and tag me on Instagram at TorSense. I would absolutely love to connect with you over there. And if you're serious about leveling up in your love life, you gotta check out Curve to Cuff. It's my 12-week mentorship program for high-achieving women of faith who want to build a rotation of quality men in 90 days or less so they can choose their legacy partner in as early as a year. You could apply to join the next cohort at curve to cuff.com slash details. That's curved, the number two, cuff.com forward slash details. I'd love to have you join the next cohort of C2C. And remember, never settle because you have choices. Choose how you want to love, choose who you want to date, and always choose to date with sense.