DWC REWIND: Launching Your H.O.E. Phase

Part of the reason why you waste time on the wrong men is because you’re EASY.

All it takes is for a man to pay you some consistent attention and now you’re his girlfriend. 

And then you get big mad when you realized you invested months…sometimes years into a man who wasn’t worth all that effort

There’s no wonder why you’re always so drained and disappointed with men

Listen closely to this episode as I help you uncover your power to choose the right man for you, instead of settling for being chosen. 

Be prepared to reclaim your time!

HERE’S WHAT YOU’LL DISCOVER: 

• My signature model for a premium dating experience for high-achieving women of faith.

• What it means to be a good H.O.E and how it puts you in a position of power.

• 7 Practical guidelines that will help you vet men before you go exclusive with them.

• A unique approach to rotational dating that will lead you to date better men and have better dating experiences. 

Be sure to get more dating gems by following me on Instagram at:

@torahcents 

@curved2cuffed

Transcript

Cold Open And Welcome

SPEAKER_00 0:01

There's some hoes in this house if you see them pouring them out. There's some hoes in this house. If you see them point them out. 35, 3, 7 days a week. Welcome back, Queen, to the podcast. Today I want to discuss a concept that is going to completely change the way you think about dating and how you interact with men from this day forward. Now, if you've been following me for a while or if you have been a client of mine, you already know where I'm going with this. And in fact, I've taught this concept to hundreds of clients. And it has helped them rebuild their dating lives from scratch. It has helped them have lots of fun and pleasure dating high-quality men. It has helped them save weeks, months, and years of wasted time and energy. And it has even helped them choose their husbands in as early as a year. And this concept is what I call the whole phase. Now, if you're listening to this episode and based upon what you've heard so far, are you ready to be mad about what I'm about to say? Please, girl, just keep listening. Because when I say hoe phase, I'm not talking about you hopping on a bunch of dicks and calling it sexual liberation. In this context, whole stands for holding out on exclusivity until a man earns it. Right? So H for holding, O for out, and E for exclusivity. And I came up with this acronym because every time I would post a teaching about dating multiple men, I would make a post, I would make a video, it'd go viral, and people would be in the comment section just angry, angry and accusing me of teaching women how to be hoes. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that what you got out of what I was saying? But instead of getting upset myself and lashing back at them, I was just like, oh, oh, so I'm teaching women how to be whole. So I'm a hoe? Of course I am. I'm a hoe because I believe in holding out on exclusivity. I embraced it and I made it my own. And I was able to teach this same very concept to other women. So now that you know what ho really stands for, H-O-E, let's talk about what is the whole phase and what does it mean to launch one. All right. So the whole phase is the stage during your dating journey where you're dating men, right? You're dating them, but you don't have enough data to make an informed decision to seriously commit to anyone yet. So here's the thing: data is pretty much the information that you collect over a period of time to see if, oh, if he's he's a guy that I should seriously pursue something with. But the issue is most women never go through this phase because they are so quick to hop into a relationship with men after the first date, first couple of dates, first phone calls, like, or worse, these women are focusing all their attention on a guy who wasn't even ready to offer commitment to them. It's like, oh, I went on a date with this guy. So this is the one guy I'm gonna talk to. Or oh man, he's texting me good morning every day this week. Oh man, I'm just gonna focus on him. And there's nothing this man has done to earn it, right? When you launch your whole phase, it means that you have decided that you're going to commit to dating casually. Casually, okay? Until you've aligned enough with the man to go exclusive, until you figure it out, like, hey, you and I are in alignment. Let's pursue something serious versus, hey, you're giving me attention. Hey, I see you more than I see other guys. Like, no, absolutely not. Oh, you're tall and you're handsome. No, it's have we aligned enough? All right. Now, somebody might be listening to this and you might be saying, Torah, you're just talking about rotational dating. You're not telling us anything due right now. All right. And I would say, you're right. But you're also wrong. And here's why you're right. You're right because I do urge, I do encourage, I do teach women to date multiple men during their whole phase. All right. That's something I strongly encourage. I do not recommend going into this and dating casually without dating a variety of men. But here's where you're wrong. You're wrong because my concept of launching a whole phase does not require you to date multiple men at a time, even though I encourage it. It only requires you to be always exploring your options until a man has shown himself approved for you to take all your options off the table, right? So what this means is if you don't have a rotation and there's only one man that you're dating, right? Let's just say you meet a guy and you hit it off and you've dated other guys, but they haven't made it to your rotation because yes, there needs to be a vetting for the rotation as well. And so you only have like one guy that you have considered part of your rotation, you still would launch your whole phase. And that one man would still need to earn your exclusivity. Just because you're dating one man does not mean he automatically gets to have you as his girlfriend. Like, no, absolutely not. So, one amazing example I have of this is a client that she joined at the beginning of the pandemic. Actually, she joined my private mentorship program, Curved the Cuff, C2C. And she was dating multiple men, but there was only like one main guy that like made it to her rotation and was seriously stepping up. So she was just like, hey, he's the only guy that has made it to my rotation tour. What do I do? And I said, Well, you know, he still has to earn your exclusivity. We're just not gonna go with him and become his girlfriend just because he's the only one that we are seriously casually dating. Right. So therefore, she let him know. She said, Hey, you know, because he was pushing towards exclusivity. And she said, Hey, I like you, you like me. But at this point in time, I want to explore all my options and to see if we are in an alignment. And if we're in alignment, then I would definitely love to move forward, but I would love to see that first. And y'all, he didn't like it, but we don't care that the men don't like it. As long as they respect it. And he respected it. He was like, look, I don't really care for this. I think that we should, you know, make it official, but I respect you and I'm gonna honor that. And within three months, because it took three months for her to fully vet the situation and see if they were in alignment, they went exclusive. And then a couple months after that, she vetted him some more. He proposed. She said yes. And I'll be going to the wedding in April. That's coming up very, very soon. And I'm so excited about going to their wedding. But again, she launched her whole phase with having like one man in her rotation. Okay. So that's why even if you're not dating multiple men at a time, or even if you don't have multiple men in your rotation, you still are requiring men to earn your exclusivity. So some of you might be thinking, okay, Torah, I hear what you're saying about vetting and men earning our exclusivity. How do I know if it's not phone calls, if it's not dates, if it's not him giving me a lot of attention, if it's not him being a good guy, what is it? Well, I teach my clients there are several guidelines, right? In order to get a good indication if a man is in a position to go exclusive with us, quote unquote earning our exclusivity. And the first guideline is that you've seen that he has a genuine interest in getting to know who you are as a woman. And a lot of times we get caught up in a man doing very nice things for us, a man being romantic, a man being consistent in calling, and we think we confuse that with that he's genuinely interested in who we are as a woman. And I've had clients have men do amazing things for them and still not be interested in who they were. They were interested in the idea of them, especially my clients, because they are dope. The idea of being with them, but they're not really interested in who they are as women. I had a client. She was flued out by a guy. He was trying to wine and dine her. He was consistent in calling her, and he seemed to be a genuine, nice guy. But whenever they would get together, number one, he wouldn't even ask her questions about her, right? And two, he wasn't interested in what lit her up. He wasn't interested in what her passions were. He wasn't interested in who she was trying to be as a woman. He wasn't interested in her fears. He wasn't interested in her struggles and her obstacles. He wasn't interested in that. He was just interested in moving forward the relationship. And so again, just because a man is being consistent and romantic doesn't mean he has a genuine interest in getting to know who you are as a woman. And she was able to nip that in the butt within like a couple weeks to be like, no, cool guy. He's not genuinely interested in me, right? So that's the first guideline. The second is he honors and respects your boundaries, even when he may not agree with them. So what are your boundaries? And are men honoring them? Are they respecting them? Like I mentioned earlier with the client where the guy she was dating, he was like, look, I don't like it. He respected it. And now they're getting married. So he doesn't have to like it. So for example, if your boundary is I'm exploring my options and I'm only gonna go exclusive until I know that we are in alignment, in enough alignment to go exclusive, then I'm not gonna go exclusive until I know that. That's the boundary. A man could be like, oh man, like I'm not gonna date you, or um, he might be pushing you every single time. Why can't we go exclusive? Why can't we go exclusive? That's not respecting, right? He doesn't have to like it, but he does have to respect it. So that's a boundary. Another way a man earns our exclusivity is his moral character reveals his ability to learn, grow, and build with you, right? A lot of times we're just hopping in these relationships with men because they tall, they smell good, they're romantic, they give us attention. And then, like a couple months down the line, we're like, oh, he showed us his true colors. This is who he really is. And it's like, ma'am, you thought he was different because you did not take an account of his character, of when he's told no, of when he doesn't get his way. I recently was coaching a client and she was telling me that she was dating this great guy. They've had so much fun together. And one thing she put into place when they would be out in public recently is she did not like the way he tugged on her or pulled on her in public, as if she was property. And she expressed that. She says, Hey, I'm unavailable to be pulled on like this or grabbed like this in public. I know you think it's affectionate, but I'm uncomfortable with it. And she had been dating this guy for what, maybe a month or two. And up until that point, everything was great. But then she basically told him no. She basically said, You can't have your way. And you know what he did with that? He had a tantrum. He had a man tantrum. And he got passive aggressive. He got indignant at the event that they were at. Instead of saying, Oh, okay, I uh I won't do it again. And I understand that that makes you uncomfortable. Teach me how to touch you. He had a fit. Again, that's who he is. I don't care how much fun y'all had together before that very moment when he didn't get his way. He was told, no, that's his moral character, and that's who he is, right? And so we get confused because we're like, how does he go from this to that? Like, no, always observe a man in different circumstances. That's who he is. He's gonna be consistent the same way. Also, the fourth guideline is that this man brings a variety of value in your life, a variety of value. A lot of times when I am talking to women or I'm coaching women and they're like, they have front runner frenzy, they're head over heels over a particular guy. And I ask, I say, Why do you like him so much? Or why did you decide to be his girlfriend? And they're like, well, because he encourages me, right? He's consistent with calling. And I'm like, okay, what else? It's like, oh, he's kind and he's supportive. And I'm like, what do you mean, supportive? What does that even mean? They're like, oh, well, he listens to me when I have problems. And I'm like, is that all? He gave you attention. That's not true value. Attention is not true value. Value is being able to look at who you are as a woman and adding to that, where you're able to grow and learn and flourish and relax and rest and create more. Like he's able to bring value. So a woman told me before that, oh yeah, he encourages me to work out. And I'm like, how? She says, Oh, he sends me text. I'm like, it's not value. You know what value is? Value is if he actually created a um a workout plan for you and he sent it. Or value is he actually showed up to the gym with you and worked with you. Value is he buys you a gym membership. That's value, right? Not just talking to you, texting you. I have uh a client, she was dating a guy who spoke um Spanish, and it was very important for her children to know a different language. And so he offered value every time he came around to make sure that he was speaking Spanish around her children so that they could pick up on that. Again, value. The fifth guideline of how a man earns our exclusivity is he has healthy relationships with the people in his life. Ma'am, I cannot count how many times I coach women, whether it's a client or whether it's on clubhouse, and they've dated a man for months and they don't even know who he's connected to, how he's connected to them, and hasn't even spoken to the people that he is connected to. They have no idea who he is outside of himself, right? If a man is to earn our exclusivity, we need to know that he has healthy relationships with friends, with employees, his employer, right? With if he has children, the mother of his child, like what do these relationships look like with strong men in his life, especially strong men? I talk about this in my podcast, What is a quality man and how important that is. Because if a man isn't able to create healthy relationships platonically, what makes you think he's gonna be able to create a romantic one with you? Which is why I'm I'm always so baffled as to why we keep dating these men who claim to be lone wolves. It's like, sir, you're not surrounded by healthy relationships. You don't know how to create one? Like, why would I try to create one with you? Right? And so we're able to spot these things so that a man can earn our exclusivity. All right, so the sixth guideline, as he's a boss and level-headed under emotional pressure. When things start to get heavy and hard, what happens? Does he shut down? Does he play the victim? Does he throw people under the bus? Does he have unhealthy ways of coping? Or does he come up with solutions? Does he process those emotions effectively? Like what does it look like under emotional pressure? I asked this question a lot. And a lot of women are somebody's girlfriend and don't even know what it looks like when the man feels pressured. I don't recommend that at all because you don't know what it looks like. So when it happens and you're in this relationship with this man, you're shocked, you're surprised, you feel stuck because you're like, whoa, I invested all this time in this man. And this is what I'm getting out of it. A hothead, a man who throws me under the bus, a man who shuts completely down. Again, did he earn your exclusivity by operating well under a pressure? All right. Next, his decisions align with your ethics and your values. The choices that he chooses to make, do they line up with your ethics? Do they align with or support your core values? And in order for you to know that, you need to be clear on what your ethics are and your core values. Okay. We are choosing to date men or be his girlfriend because he says that he's family oriented or he says that his value is legacy. He says these things, but we're not really checking for the decisions that he makes that will actually be evidence for that. I get tired of y'all being talked into believing these men are these things. What decisions that he makes show that he's into legacy building, that he's into family, that he's into personal development. Not that he tells you what everyday decisions does he make. So those are pretty much the guidelines. They are not rules, and I'm pretty sure there are tons more things we can add to this list. But this is generally what I teach clients in terms of, hey, has this man earned your exclusivity? Right? So that's one way that the whole phase is different from just regular random rotational dating. I want to talk about a few of the other ways that makes the whole phase different when you launch it. That's completely different from, again, regular rotational dating of just dating multiple men. One of them is no rules, only guidelines, like I mentioned before, because you are a grown-ass woman who can make your own decisions. I don't need to tell you what to do. In the whole phase, I just give you principles that I recommend you follow to provide you with guidance. I don't tell you what to do as a law, right? So, for example, a common rule that a lot of dating coaches teach, oh man, don't you perform wife duties for a boyfriend. That's a rule to me. And I don't believe in rules. I believe you're a grown-ass woman who should do what you want to do. So if cooking just lights you up, and that's something that you just do anyway, and you'd like to do that, and you like to cook, cook, right? But if you know that your cooking is just for a man to like you, for you to receive validation, for you to get him to want to move the relationship forward so he you can prove that your wife is material, it's gonna be a no for me. Um, that's the guideline. I would only cook if that is something you could do for him and you never hear from him again. If you can cook and be comfortable cooking, never hearing from him again after he done ate all your food, then cook, baby. But if you would be mad somebody, I can't believe I made these yams, these collard greens, this cornbread, and not a man that goes to me. That's the guideline. But yeah, I don't believe in the rule of wife duties. Do what you authentically desire to do. And speaking of authentic, another reason why the whole phase is different is because I teach women to create authentic connections. Meaning that during the whole phase, we're not making dating about marriage. And I know that sounds counterintuitive. I know some of you are like, well, Torah, what's the point of dating? If it's not gonna go towards marriage, dating is not about marriage. It should lead to marriage if you do it right, but it's not about it. Authentic connections is about learning exactly who men are, what makes them tick, what makes them smile, right? What are they excited about? What are what keeps them up at night? A lot of times women are like, oh, let me just date these men and I'm gonna just see who's gonna be my boyfriend or who can be my husband, and if he ain't at the par. And it's like, no, like you don't even get the time or take out the time to get to know who these men are outside of a relationship with you. So authentic connections, not just objectifying men for relationships. Another reason why the whole phase is different is because there is sophisticated betting, as I mentioned before, how a man, I gave you those guidelines before about how a man earns your exclusivity. We don't go exclusive with a man because he's consistent in calling or consistent in dates or because he's kind or because he loves God. In the whole phase, uh, betting is more sophisticated so that you're able to actually see not just, are you kind, not just are you consistent, but are we in alignment? Because dating kind men who show up for us, that should be the standard. All right. The next way that the whole phase is different is it's a co-creation of experiences, right? I teach women that instead of waiting for men to come and save you from your singleness, to wait for men to do all the work in moving the relationship forward to do all the work to entertain you, right? The whole phase is all about collaborating with men to create the type of experiences you want to have. A lot of women have been taught, like, oh, lean back, let him text, let him plan the dates, right? Let him do this, let him create the conversations. And I'm like, oh, that sounds like a sad existence. And a woman who doesn't know how to create what she desires, so she relies on men to do it for her. I love when I see my clients going on the types of dates they desire, having the experiences they've always wanted, all because they chose to co-create with men. I have a client in LA, and I love her so much because she is showing women, especially black women, because black women often complain about dating in LA. And she's a dark-skinned woman dating in LA, and she's always going on fun, creative, adventurous dates with men. And I know a lot of people might be looking on the outside, looking in, like, oh my gosh, I I want to date men like her, but she does an amazing job at co-creating these experiences, telling men what she desires, and so that they can show up and fulfill those desires for her because that's what a queen does. She lets the world know what her desires are, and she looks for the world to fulfill them for her. So yeah, the whole phase is also different because it's exploration and experimentation. You're exploring your wants and your needs. You're exploring your desires, you're just you're exploring different perspectives, you're experimenting with different dating habits, different dating strategies. It's not the end goal of, oh, I need to get me a man. It's who am I becoming in the process? What am I learning in the process? And so once I do find the partner that I want to commit to in that way, I will be extremely clear on what I want and what is possible for me because I did the exploration and the experimentation. It's also different because of community and support. I teach strongly, strongly. My clients know this. When you launch your whole phase, you are no longer deciding to date alone. Dating alone is dating dusty, okay? You are now deciding to create a dream team of people who will help you create, build, maintain a love life of your desire. These people will be your extra eyes and ears. They will be your motivators, your cheerleaders, they will be your devil's advocate, your extra eyes and ears, so that you're not dating Dusty dating alone. Okay? I know that it's a new concept to think that, oh, it's just me and you, but historically, this has always been a thing where families are involved. I know y'all watched that show Bridgerton on Netflix. These women just didn't go match up with other suitors on their own. Their brothers were involved, their mothers were involved, their fathers, their cousins, their uncles were involved with them connecting with suitors. And I truly believe that that's something that we need to be doing when we launch our whole phase. Okay. And another way, the last way that is different is that I teach the whole phase as we are specifically shooting for legacy building, whatever that looks like. It's for women who seek to partner with men who they desire to build a long-term relationship with. And their relationship will leave a stamp on the world, whether that's marriage, whether that's a monogamous marriage, a poly marriage, whatever that looks like. But it's specifically, I'm in alignment with you. This is not just for sex. I don't want just companionship. I want to leave a mark on the world. I want our relationship to create that mark. Therefore, I need to know if we're in alignment. So, y'all, the whole face just makes sense. All right. You got more options with less headache for one, you got more options in men, more options in romantic decisions, right? More options when it comes to designing your love life. So it ultimately provides you with a less headache because you are not stuck waiting to be chosen. You're not stuck thinking that you have to settle because you got so many options, girl. It makes sense because there's less confusion and more clarity. So instead of you being so confused about where you stand with the man or what you should do if a man does this or that, you're clear on how you as a woman want to move, regardless of how a man moves, right? So there's less confusion. And it makes sense because it's an enhanced quality of love life for you and the men you interact with because you are clear on the woman you want to be, and you are in creation mode. You will finally have the type of love you desire and be the love that everyone else desires. So I'm leaving you with that. So, Queen, at this point, you've pretty much heard what the whole phase is all about. I'd like to ask you, are you ready to be a hoe? And I mean a good hoe. If that's the case, go ahead and launch your whole phase girl. And I will catch you on the next episode. If you thought this episode was dope and you learned from it, it would be amazing if you could take a screenshot, post, and tag me on Instagram at Torresense. I would absolutely love to connect with you over there. And if you're serious about leveling up in your love life, you gotta check out Curve to Cuff. It's my 12-week mentorship program for high achieving women of faith who want to build a rotation of quality men in 90 days or less so they can choose their legacy partner in as early as a year. You can apply to join the next cohort at curve tocuff.com slash details. That's curve, the number two, cuff.com forward slash details. I'd love to have you join the next cohort of C2C. And remember, never settle because you have choices. Choose how you want to love, choose who you want to date, and always choose to date with sense.