How To Stop Wasting Your Summer and Finally Meet Your Husband

A lot of you are going to hit cuffing season with a dry and dusty dating life once again. 

Because you keep doing nothing in the summer and expecting a man by the fall…it's like wanting a summer body without ever hitting the gym.

In this episode, I break down the three things keeping you stuck and headed for another manless winter. You'll find out why the men you actually want aren't showing up in your life, what you're doing that makes quality men lose interest even when the attraction is there, and why you keep quitting dating every time you get disappointed.

Walk away ready to turn this summer into the season you finally build a roster of quality men—so you're choosing who to cuff instead of wishing someone would choose you.

Join the FREE Lovergirl Summer Activation Call HERE to learn about the Roster Relationship Challenge coming up!

Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at: 

@torahcents 

@curved2cuffed 

Transcript

Birthday Hosting And Social Capital

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the Date with Sins podcast. I am feeling excited. I am feeling proud. I am feeling very, very loved. And part of the reason why I'm feeling all of this is I just had a birthday this past Tuesday, May 26th. Shout out to the Geminis. I just had a birthday and I hosted my first gathering. Part of my level up this year, in addition to me learning makeup and upgrading the types of men that I'm dating, has also been me wanting to build my social capital. I told myself I'm going to build my social capital. I'm going to be a master connector. So for my birthday, I got some of my interesting friends together that don't know each other, put them in a room in a winery. We were at a winery, and I had everybody meet each other. And the goal was for everyone to meet at least three new people. I literally think everyone met everyone in the room. So it was at a winery. I served wine. I had little light bites and hors d'oeuvres. I had icebreakers. One of my favorite icebreakers was what was one new habit that you developed this year? Well, not this year, but what new habit that you've developed and that you're proud of? And how did you develop it? It was so good. And by the end of the night, people were really fighting to stay to talk to each other. There were people planning brunches with one another, exchanging Instagrams, phone numbers. They were, some people were even doing business together. And I really want to be that super connector, that hostess and someone who's very introverted. And I call myself a party princess. I just like to go to parties, eat the food, show up, talk to people, and be out. I don't even want to stay behind and clean up. This has been a very big stretch for me. But I'm very excited about hosting regular gatherings. So I'm getting over my fear. I'm getting over my own ego and to protect myself. And I'm going to build my social capital this year and just meet very interesting people and put them in the room. So this was the start of it. And I just want to thank everybody who came, bought me gifts, and just celebrated with me and showed up. Some people drove a couple hours to be there. And then also shout out to Poppy. Poppy is something else. He ended up sponsoring that event. That's not something that I asked him to sponsor. I planned everything. And he was like, How much is this gonna cost you? And I told him, and he paid for everything. Everything. He was like, You got the money that I sent you? I was like, oh, so sweet. And that leads me to my next thing. I am

Poppy Sponsorship And Puerto Rico

SPEAKER_00 3:05

also excited because I am going to Puerto Rico this week. Started tomorrow. Yeah, I'm going to Puerto Rico tomorrow. Poppy is taking me. I literally asked Poppy because y'all know last year I was supposed to go to Puerto Rico, but Poppy had a religious psychosis episode, shaved off all of his hair, and canceled the trip and broke up with me. And so this year I was like, look, sir, are you about to shave your hair anytime soon? Are you okay? Are we good? Are you gonna go into uh 30 days and 30 nights of fasting where you can't be around me? But no, he was like, no, we're good. I'm away from all of that. So I'm excited about Puerto Rico. Um, I've been there a few times, but I've never been there with a man. So I'm excited about being there with a man. I'm very happy about that. So very proud of myself. Lots going on. The summer is looking really, really bright for me.

Why Summer Sets Up Cuffing Season

SPEAKER_00 4:04

And speaking of summer, y'all, a lot of you listening to me right now, you're going to end up cuffing season with a dry and dusty dating life once again. And it's not because I want it for you, it's because I see what's happening. Every single year, there are so many of you that say, Oh, yeah, I want a relationship. I want a family, I want a partner, I want marriage. But every single year you end up in the same place, in the same predicament. Either the predicament is you end up in a situationship that you don't like, that you're not excited about, you're not getting what you need, or you end up with nothing. You end up with no man that's even a candidate for anything. Okay. And if you want to be in a relationship by cuffing season, by the fall, by the winter, you don't start dating in the fall, in the winter. You don't start putting yourself out there in the fall, in the winter. You start in the summer. Summer matters a lot. First of all, we outside. The summer is some of the easiest time to just be outside. It's the easiest time to travel. It's the easiest time to go to events. Lots of events are happening. Lots of people are doing things. People are meeting more people versus coughing season when it's cold and people have less events going on or less reasons to want to leave the house, or even they're too cold to even want to leave the house in certain climates. This is one of the best times of the year to build momentum in your dating life. But every year I see women wanting relationships in October, November, December, doing nothing in May, June, and July to build towards it. It's like wanting a summer body without ever going to the gym. You can't show up in August expecting results that you did not build in May and June. You can't expect that. You build before the season that you want the results in. And I just want to talk to you very, very, very quickly about the things that I'm seeing that's keeping you stuck from having the relationship, the match of pajamas in December, from engaging in for having your guy in cuffing season for October, November. Okay? And then I'm going to share what you can do about

Love Needs Visibility

SPEAKER_00 7:00

it. So the first thing that I'm noticing is that we be wanting love without visibility. We want to be desired by men without visibility. We want our dream man, our ideal man, our attractive, tall, financially stable men to find us. But men, and especially the men that we want barely exist in your actual life. And that's what I'm going to say. The men that we actually want barely exist in our lives. And when I say what I want, the men that match the stipulations, okay, of being on our level. That man that has the lifestyle that we're looking for, the friend group that we're looking for, the discretionary income, the hobbies that we're looking for, the connections that we're looking for. They barely exist in our lives. Whether we're attracted to them or not, we're not even talking about attraction. We're talking about the bare foundation. They're not in our lives. And most of you listening to this already know this. I'm not telling you anything new. Y'all are smart. You know that you're not getting outside enough. You know that you're not meeting enough people. You know that you need to be in places where these men can actually see you. That's not the shocking part. Like you're not shocked by all of this. The part that you need to be concerned about is that you've built your lives around being unavailable to these men, that you built your lives around. This is not simply I'm not going anywhere or I'm not meeting these men. You literally have built your lives where the romance that you want can't even exist. From the time that you, you know, you go to work, some of you work from home, and then you're at home from work, or you're running, or you're like stopping at the store, maybe in between, or you are going to work, you're doing school. Some of you guys are in school, you're going to maybe church, you're going to the grocery store, you're going to get your nails and your hair done. You're doing the same things every single week, the same places every single day. You're doing the same things. There is no wonder in your life. There's no flirting in your life. There's no new attention from new men in your life. There is no man that is what you would deem on your level approaching you. There are no real moments where the romance that you want have the chance to happen. And you do this every single day, every single week, like it's a normal thing to not see new men that you could possibly have an opportunity with. That should not be a normal thing, and yet it is. That's why people are like, where are the men at? When I say if you want to be married in 12 months, you need to be meeting 50 men, and women are like, where are the men? Because your life is built around none of that. You've created a life that doesn't even support it. And it feels normal to you not to see these men, and it should not. You're expecting you stop expecting men that you like to approach you. You stop expecting anything romantic to pop off for you. And so when summer comes around, and instead of you getting excited about it and using it to meet new men and create new opportunities, you stay doing the same shit that you did in the winter time. You stay in the same routines that kept you or keeps you single and manless in the first place, right? You can be single, you don't got to be manless. That's the first piece. We want love without the visibility. Oftentimes I will ask a woman who hops on a sales call with me or a client that's onboarding with me, and they say, I want this kind of man. And I say, Okay, where are three places you went last week to meet him? Or where did you go this month? And they don't have an answer. They have no idea. So we want love without visibility, and that has to change.

Stop Waiting Before You Participate

SPEAKER_00 12:11

The second thing that I'm noticing with all of this, not just love without visibility, but we want to be chosen by men before we participate. We are waiting before participating. They are on the dating apps, they are going to events, they are meeting men, they may go on dates, but the whole time they're holding back. So basically, if this sounds like you, you want him, you want a man to prove that he likes you before you act like you like him. You want him to prove that he's serious about you before you will be warm and open up to him, before you show your excitement for him, before you'll be playful, before you'll be open, before you show real interest. So now, yeah, you're technically dating. Like Torah yeah, I'm dating. You're technically dating, but you're guarding and you're not letting anyone in. You're there. You might be in the rooms, you might be on the dates, but you're still holding back the whole time. This is very apparent for ladies who say, Well, Torah I don't have a problem attracting men, I don't have a problem attracting men on my level, but it never goes anywhere. This is a huge issue. Very nice, but you're closed off. You are interested in the men, but it's hard to connect with you. You're physically there, but you're e you're purposely, emotionally keeping your distance. And of course, I understand a lot of you don't want to be hurt, you don't want your feelings hurt, you don't want your heart broken, you don't want to feel like you're being played. But the issue is things are fizzling out because you are scared, because you're closed off and you are guarded. You know how to be attractive, you know how to be desirable, but you don't know how to build a connection with the man because you are terrified of what would happen if you let a man in, if you let him see. So you perform unbotheredness. And now you're waiting for the man to do all the work for this connection to work. You're waiting for certainty before you participate. You're basically like, I want to know for sure that this man is serious before I open up to him, before I show him the real me, before I give him my real personality, for me to let him know that I really, really like him, I have to wait. That doesn't work here. You'll get on the dating apps and you'll match with the man and you'll barely engage. Okay. You sit on dates interviewing men instead of actually connecting with them. And you keep waiting for men to prove themselves before you fully show up. And there's no way that you can build towards an exclusive relationship when you're closed off in that way. I had a client come to me recently and she said, Tora, I don't know what it is, but things are just not lasting with these men. I said, Okay, well, let me just see some screenshots. Let me see some screenshots of what's happening. And when I look at those screenshots, I saw a woman that looked very disengaged. The man seemed excited. And the responses that she was given, it did not scream interested. It did not scream, I like you. It did not scream that I want to continue seeing you. And I asked her, I said, Are you interested? She said, Yeah, I am. I want to. And I said, You feel guarded. You feel very closed off. I said, Why are you guarded? You know, and she kind of broke into tears at that point because she had to admit that she did not want to be hurt. She had to admit that, hey, I was in a relationship that broke my heart, and I'm holding back. So that's the second reason why your summer is going to be dry and dusty, and there will be no exclusive relationships in the fall. Because you are waiting before participating, because you're looking for certainty that a man won't hurt you and break your heart. And you need to go back to my one of my episodes about self-trust, about why I don't trust men. This is why I get to really enjoy men. This is why I get to give my all abundantly and enjoy men without worrying about them breaking my heart and care. Like I could get my heart broken again this year and be completely okay with that. Does that mean I'm not going to be sad and crying and snot nose crying and sliding down the walls? No, it doesn't mean that. I'm going to do all of that. But I will be completely okay with the process because my trust does not lie in men, it lies in me and my ability to navigate that and recreate the scenario.

Don’t Disappear After Disappointment

SPEAKER_00 18:16

The third reason or the third scenario that I'm seeing that's going to keep you guys from an amazing cuffing season, from a delicious dating summer season, is that you want to disappear after disappointment. As soon as a man disappoints you, you want to be done. You want to vanish. A guy ghosts you, I'm done. A date with the man you're really excited about goes nowhere, I'm done. You don't match with people on the dating apps, or someone unmatches you that you were excited about, I'm done. A man lets you down, I'm done. Right? Every time you get disappointed, you get disappointed three times in a row, you are disappearing. You are done. And so suddenly you stop opening, hinge, bumble, you stop opening. You stop leaving the house because when you leave the house, don't nobody approach you. You stop getting excited about men who reach out to you that seems like they would be a good candidate for a date. Like you stop getting excited about it. You're like, why am I gonna get excited about it? It might not pan out anyway. You stop putting yourself out there. You're like, oh, let me just get another degree. Let me go back to school and get another degree I don't need. Let me just work all these hours and overextend myself at work and let my boss run me into the ground, taking away years of my precious life because I'm a people pleaser and I do not know how to say no to all this work I got on my plate. Let me just do all of these church events. Let these people, these married people at the church take advantage of my singleness to plan all these things at church because I, you know, I'm just done with dating. Okay. That is the issue. The problem with this is the desire doesn't disappear. You might disappear, but the desire for men, for family, for marriage, for relationship, for children, it's still there. And so you stop dating for six months. I mean, six weeks, and then that turns into six months. And then that turns into, you know, this year hasn't been a I haven't been dating this year. I haven't been focused on dating this year. Dating disappoints everybody. You're not immune to that. That's just dating. Dating involves lots of disappointing events, and that is something that we just have to accept if we want to win at dating. If you don't want to be disappointed in dating, you got to get rid of the desire completely. The problem is, nobody taught us what to do or how to handle disappointment when it happens. People or our families, our moms, the church, it never taught us, okay, that didn't work. Okay, now what? They never taught us, okay, how do we keep going? What happens when we get ghosts? It three times in a row. How do I stay in motion if I went to three events and no man approached me? What do I do if I match with three men and they never took things off the app? It's been three men in a row. Like, what's next? How do I keep dating without shutting down every time something doesn't work out? Nobody taught us this. Our mamas, our pastor, our daddies. No one taught us. And because we were not taught, we retreat. And we we treat it like, oh, I'm just protecting my peace. Men, men are this and men are that. I'm just protecting my peace. Every time I go out into the world and I meet someone who either recognizes me from Instagram. They're like, oh, you the girl from Instagram, girl, I'm gonna tell you about these men. I'm like, girl, you don't need to tell me about nothing. I don't need to hear about none of that. I need to hear about what you finna do about it. I even met the bartender who bartended my event. And she was like, oh, I'm I'm just done with men. Mind you, the desire for men was still there. And she was just talking about like all men want sex, all men do this. And somebody said something on the internet recently, I can't remember who it was, but she said, you cannot be a goddess and a victim at the same time. And that resonated so deeply with me. Like you cannot be like, because I see myself as this powerful woman made in the image of God. And I can't be that and a victim at the same time. Does that mean that I'm not, you know, I don't, um, I'm not victimized? No, that does not mean that. It means that I can't live in that victim story if I'm gonna operate like that. You can't be two things at the same time. And so while she was focused on what men were and were not doing, like we were not focused on a solution. And I, and I thought of three or four solutions in my head. I didn't offer it to her because I don't I don't coach people who don't give me permission to coach them. And I also don't particularly care to coach people who have not signed up for my services. That's another thing. But yeah, so she's like, I'm in her brain, she's protecting her peace. But in my opinion, protecting your peace comes from fulfilling your desire. Protecting your peace is going after the things that God has promised you. Protecting your peace is not saying, oh, you know, I'm so tired of these men, I'm gonna stop dating when the desire is still there, because that's gonna blow up in your face later on. That's going to manifest and wreak havoc in your body later on by denouncing something that you still have a desire for. So that being said, summer is the best time for you to prepare for the relationship you want to have at the end of the year. Number one, you're struggling to want love without the visibility. Number two, you are struggling because you are waiting before participating. And then also you are disappearing after disappointment just because you got disappointed a lot of times.

Dating Structure And The Roster Plan

SPEAKER_00 25:44

And this is one of the biggest reasons why I do what I do. And this is why structure is so important. What I want you to understand is that you don't need to become prettier, you don't need to become more healed, you don't need to become um more confident overnight. You actually just need structure in place. One of the biggest reasons why you need structure in place is because you have so much emotional exhaustion. Ask me how I know as a high-achieving black woman uh who has residue of good girl conditioning, you have a lot of emotional exhaustion going on. Not only are you dealing with all that you have to do at work, you might have a lot that you have going on with your family. I know a lot of women are caregivers. I know you probably have a lot going on in your community, or even you you might even have kids. So it's it's a lot going on. You're taking on a lot. How do I do this? How do I get this done? And dating usually just takes the back seat because there is, because you're so busy trying to make decisions in other areas of your life, you don't really feel like making decisions towards dating on trying to figure this stuff out, which is why structure matters, because if you have structure, you can just execute without having to overthink from all the ways you're emotionally expending yourself in other areas, which is why you're tired and you have low energy and you're like, oh, I just want a man to make decisions for you. I'm gonna help you make decisions with the dating, with my upcoming relationship roster challenge this summer. Because I want to give you clear steps so that you know what to do daily, you know what to do this week, you know what to do next week, you know exactly how to be accountable without having to overthink and overdo things because uh when disappointment hits you and it will, it's not gonna knock you out of motion for three months. When one thing doesn't work, you're already gonna know what's gonna come next. Because not only am I going to show you, I'm going to coach you through it for six weeks. When one thing doesn't work, you know exactly what to do next. You know exactly how to be visible to the right kinds of men, and you know exactly how to engage these men so that things don't fizzle out so that you can have the opportunity to have a roster by the end of summer. So I am hosting my roster relationship roster challenge is going to start on June 13th. Okay. Inside the challenge, I'm gonna be walking you through every step. Week one, I'm gonna show you how to get noticed and actually get seen by men. Week two, I'm gonna show you how to get approached and what to do when you're being seen by these men. Week three, I'm gonna show you how to get pursued and turning interest into actual momentum. And then week four, I'm gonna show you how to have multiple options of men and how to navigate this, even if you're a good girl, so that you stop treating every connection like your last chance. And every week is gonna have clear steps, daily actions, weekly actions, and then live coaching with me and support from other women who are doing the same as you. Now, the thing about it, I'm actually going to open it for enrollment at a very, very beautiful, delicious price starting on June 7th. So if you come to, I'm hosting a free call, and the link is gonna be in the show notes. If you come to my free call, it's gonna be the Lover Girls uh Summer Activation call. You can get first dibs on joining it. Last year it was $220. This year I'm offering as a special rape. Not sure if I'm gonna do this again, but if you want to be the first to hear about it, join my free class that I'm hosting Sunday, June 7th at 2

Free Call Invite And Closing

SPEAKER_00 30:15

p.m. Central Standard Time. So join us. Go ahead. I don't, this is for the women who are saying, I want to work with you, but I can't afford it yet. I'm not ready to do it at that price. Maybe next year. Sure, fine. I'm gonna give you a price that you can't refuse. So you can focus on your money, get your money up, but you can also start doing this work, right? Because you've been telling yourself for years that next time you're gonna get support, this is the time. Because if you want a relationship by fall, summer is where you're gonna build it. The link is in the show notes. I will see you on my free Love A Girl summer activation call. And happy birthday to me. And until next time, bye.