How To Have Conversations With Men That Lead To Pursuit

In this episode, I'm teaching you how to have conversations with men that actually lead to pursuit. 

You'll find out the one question to ask yourself the moment a man messages you, why the "fizzle" is a myth you keep telling yourself, and the three things you need in place so you know within the first week whether a man is even capable of giving you what you want.

Walk away knowing how to have conversations that move toward the dates, the calls, and the pursuit you actually want—so you never have to sit around wondering what happened again.

If you want to build a roster of two to three commitment-ready men, join my free training on August 16 HERE.

Join the Training: Build Your Roster: Attract 3 Commitment-Ready Boyfriends in 90 Days

Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at: 

@torahcents 

@curved2cuffed 

Transcript

Seattle Catch Up And Birthday Joy

SPEAKER_01 0:00

What's up, Love Girl? Welcome back to the Date with Sins podcast. I am feeling warm, fuzzy and excited. I literally just got back from an amazing trip in Washington State, Seattle, with my good friend Winnie. I love you. Um she opened up her home to me and we spent the whole weekend just exploring Seattle. I probably I had to walk 100,000 steps, over 100,000 steps while I was out there. Uh but she number one, if you saw my stories, you saw that she had amazing gifts for me to celebrate my birthday in person. Uh my brother was in Maine and we celebrated it together with a cake. She bought me a brand new um Louis V bag and some Svorski crystal earrings with my birthstone. That was amazing. She also cooked some of my favorite meals. I had um, foo-foo, and uh she also made peanut soup. For those of you know, when I was dating Bitbody Benz, I was so mad when he didn't make me that peanut soup that he promised me. My friend made it on the first time. So we had that. She took me on a ferry to Brain Ridge Island. We went hiking to a waterfall, we did hot yoga, uh, we met her friends. It was just a really great experience, and um, I'm happy to know her. And if you don't know, she actually has a podcast episode because she used to be a client. Um, so yeah, make sure you can you can check her episode out if you go look up at Winnie. If you search her name, you can find her or listen to her episode. Absolutely love her, she's such a sweethearted doll, baby. And so I had a great time with her, and so I'm warm and fuzzy about that, and I'm very excited because the doors of Curve the Cuff are about to open once again on August 16th. I know there's a lot of you waiting to join, especially those of you who want access to the special bonus. I know some of y'all were like, look, I'm gonna make sure I'm gonna be on that call so I can join. I don't know how many women are gonna join this time around, and uh it's possible that I might cap it because I can't bring unlimited people into the program. So we'll see, we shall see. Just make sure you be there, you be square so that you can get in first. Even if you can't make the training, girl, you want to make sure as soon as I send that email out that you're clicking and you're hopping in the curve to cuff, because I don't I don't know when the next time I'm going to launch, I don't have that planned out in advance. But anywho, make sure you come to the free training. And this particular episode, I did it Instagram live, and um there's a QA at the end you definitely want to stay for. And so, without further ado, here is the episode.

Why Conversations Stall With Men

SPEAKER_01 3:07

So, today what we're gonna be talking about, our topic is how to have conversations with men that lead to pursuit. How to have conversations with men that lead to pursuit. Put a one in the comments if you have talked to men or talked to a guy that you liked, and the conversations just didn't seem like it was going anywhere. Like, you probably touched base on a daily basis, but it wasn't going anywhere. Um, you heard from him regularly, but the conversation wasn't going anywhere. And so the guy that you thought, like you were like really excited about, now you're getting annoyed with. Now it's getting boring. Now you're just like, why is this thing fizzling out? What is happening here? How do I fix this? Um, or you're just like, yeah, this is, I don't, I don't know, I don't know what's happening here. And like you continue to get annoyed man after man after man after man after man after man after man that continues to do that. I just want to let you know there's a way that this never has to happen again, and you can create a conversation with a man that leads to exactly the types of experiences that you want, and or you find out very, very quickly that this is something that is never going to lead to what you want. Oftentimes we stay too long trying to figure it out, or we don't even know how to make things happen for ourselves. So I'm going to walk you through how it happens. And if you're new here, my name is Torah. I am a dating coach for high-achieving, unchurched women of faith who are ready to meet quality men, be pursued by them, and eventually have a relationship with them where they feel served and supported. Okay? Where they feel served and supported. So now there's a reason why this is happening. Why your conversations seem to fizzle out with men, why you tend to interact with men and uh the conversation never goes anywhere, whether you want it to lead to dates or phone calls or more experiences. Um and sometimes we often think to ourselves when we're not getting the results that we want, we either blame ourselves or we blame the men. We're just like, okay, well, you know, this isn't going anywhere. Maybe, maybe I'm not interesting enough. Maybe, maybe I need to be more flirty. Yes, I need to do things more flirty. I need to sound more flirty, or or or maybe I need to double text so that he actually understands that, you know, I'm here. I didn't go anywhere. You know, maybe I have to say it like this, so maybe I could just make things happen that way. So we blame ourselves, or we blame the men, and we're just like, yeah, you know, he's he's just low effort, or men are just low effort, and um these men they don't know how to talk to women, they don't know what to do, they don't know how to lead. And what I will say, it is not necessarily we blame the men, and not necessarily we blame ourselves, but I will say there's a skill set that's lacking. And when you build this particular skill set, you don't ever have to look and blame anybody for what's happening. You just see the gap and you're like, oh, I see, I see why the conversations are not landing the way that I want them to land. I see why I'm frustrated and annoyed. Nobody has to be blamed here. I just need to make a decision, and that's what I'm here for to help you make the decision.

Decide What You Want First

SPEAKER_01 7:14

So when a man responds to you, or when a man, let's just say a man sends a first message, or he gets you on the phone, right? Or you're about to go on a date. I want you to ask this question. I want you to ask yourself these things. What do I want out of this conversation? What do I want? What do I want from the conversation that's happening right now? I'll I'll give you an example. Like, I'll have a client, they'll send me some screenshots of a guy that they're talking to, and they're like, Torha, like this conversation is going nowhere. And I'm reading through the screenshots, and I'm just like, what did you want here? Like, what is happening? You guys are talking about, you know, what you did for work today. You talked about what you ate, you know, you talk about the weather and how you think it might rain. You you talk you talked about the errands that you think you're about to run. You talked about the the cereal that you ate. You talked about going to see your grandma, like you talked about all these things. What the hell is going on here? What did you want out of this conversation? Because I don't know. What do you want? And they might say something like, oh, well, I wanted to go on a date. Or, oh, he said he was gonna call me and I was hoping that he was going to call. Like, oh, like I wanted, I wanted this. I'm just like, so why the hell are you talking to this man? Why? I'm sorry, I'm very passionate about this. Why are you saying words that you don't want to say? Why are you talking about things that you don't want to talk about? The moment that this man sends you a message, you need to ask yourself, what do I want out of the conversation? Because if it is a phone call, I'm not gonna be texting you. If it is a date, I'm not gonna have a conversation about the errands that I'm gonna have today. Okay? It's not happening. Because I'm already clear on the conversation I want to have, and it ain't that. So I'm not gonna have it. So that's number one. I need you to ask yourself, what do I want out of this conversation? I hope I don't sound like I'm yelling your ears off, but I just need you to understand it. Okay? What do I want out of the conversation? Um, so for example, let's just say one of the things that I used to do is when a guy would send me a good morning message, and I one of the things that I wanted to create was playfulness, right? What I wanted to create was playful, I hated the ridiculous good morning messages that didn't lead to anywhere. And so my first thought was like, oh, I just I want to create some fun, you know. That's what I want out of this conversation. I want some fun today. And so I remember guys would text me and they'd be like, good morning, beautiful. And if it was like earlier than like 8 a.m. or something like that, I would be like, Oh, I apologize. And it's like, you know, what are you apologizing for? And I'm like, oh, I'm apologizing for being on your mind so early in the morning. I had I know you had better things to do, like solving world hunger, saving kids out of burning buildings. Literally, that was my response because I wanted to play. All right. If I didn't want to play, if I'm like, oh, I actually want something else, I would like for him to show up for me this way. I would like for him to do something for me, I would like for him to take me on a date, I would like for me to go to this specific restaurant. That's what I'm gonna talk about. And everything that he says is going to lead to me talking about what I want. So, in order to execute, you're going to need three things. You're going to need three things to get what you want in these conversations, to have conversations that lead to a man pursuing you the way that you want him to pursue you. That's going to lead to this. Okay, let me move my hair around this mic so it doesn't hit the mic.

Set A Standard You Can Say

SPEAKER_01 11:39

The first thing that you're going to need is your standard. That's the first thing that you're going to need. Your standard is a baseline for how men get to interact with you. It is the baseline. All right. And so before you can hold a standard, you're going to have to know what the standard is. You cannot enforce something that you've never decided on, right? So let's just say you have a standard. This is the one standard I always go back to. I, my standard is a man needs to plan a date within um seven days of getting to know me. Seven days. That's it, right? This is a standard standard that my clients have. Within seven days, he needs to plan a date. That is the standard, period. So if this man is texting you good morning three days in a row, why in the world would you be just staring at that? Or why would you respond just good morning and continue on with the conversation? Why would you giggle and gaggle with him if if you know that that is your standard? Because what's going to happen is there's there's one or two things that's gonna happen. Number one, you're gonna end up with men who play on your phone. That's number one, right? And number two, you are not going to let the man know who is ready for all of that, that you are ready, because there's a lot of women who aren't necessarily ready to go on a date within seven days. I'm hopeful, like my women typically are, right? But again, you need to make it clear. And then also you need to make it clear on the kind, like the type of date that you want to go on. Because again, just because a man wants to take you on a date doesn't mean that's the date you want to go on. So, what is a standard? Because most of us don't have one when it comes to dating. Yeah, we say we have standards for a relationship. Like many of us have standards for the type of relationship that we want. Like we know that we want marriage, we know that we want this kind of relationship. Um, we know that we want kids, we know that we want a certain kind of height, we know we want a certain kind of um, you know, like that he has to have his life, right? Uh whether he has his life together. But I will I'll ask a woman what her standard is for how a man talks to her, and most women never think about it. Not one time. Not one time does do women often have standards on how they want men to engage with them in the first week, the types of conversations they need men to have with them in the first 48 hours, in the first seven days. So ask yourself, what kinds of messages do is my standard? Like, what is my standard of messages? Some people don't do um some stand, some mess, some like for me, my standard is I don't do talking in between dates. That's my standard. I don't do talking within in like my standard is I need a date planned and I am not talking in between. So I have to ask myself, like, what kinds of messages will I actually enjoy receiving from a man I'm getting to know? Oh, I my standard is men sending me messages on logistics. If you send me messages on logistics on what we're doing and how we're doing it and where we're going, send me all the messages. Send me as many as you want. That's the standard is men sending me messages about logistics during the week. What kind of messages do you want? Maybe instead of good morning messages, your standard is men ask you questions throughout the week. Like maybe what's the what's the highlight of your day? Right? What lights you up? Like that's your standard. And those are in instead of accepting a man's good morning, because every woman doesn't want a good morning text. Some women love good morning text, some women don't. If you don't like good morning text, you need to let men know, say, hey, I'm actually like like when I talk to men, this is like this is how I want to have conversations on a regular basis. These are not the kind of questions that I would like to receive from men or a man, right? This is what I want to receive instead. This is the kind of question I would receive instead, right? What kind of messages drain me or feel like a waste of my time? The moment you realize, okay, what are you doing? Messages drain me. Good morning messages drain me, you understand, okay, now I need to create a standard of what messages will, what messages do I want to, is the baseline for interacting with me? What is the bar of interacting with me? The moment a man sends me two good morning messages in a row, is is that something that I want to continue doing? If it's not, then we have to, then we have to speak to that. Because again, some women love good morning messages. Some women do not. This is why it's very, very important for you to be clear about what your standard is. And if you do not want them, and if you want something else, you have to be very, very clear about that. How much phone or text contact do I want before a first date? You should know these things. Because when you know them, you can have the conversations that you want to have with a man. You can have as you know, you will realize, okay, I don't want to respond to this message because it doesn't align with my standard. So instead of responding to this message, I'm gonna let him know how this doesn't align with me. All right. What does a good morning text need to include for me to want to respond to it? What does a good morning text? Maybe you want good morning text, but you don't want to respond to the to the boring just good morning. Maybe you want a different type of good morning text. I remember a guy that I was dating, one of the good morning texts that we participated in was that yeah, he asked me a new fun question every single morning. That's what I wanted to do. A new fun question every single morning, and that was the only way I was gonna do those kinds of good morning texts. If you wanted to send me a good morning text and it was a different question that you wanted to ask me, cool. I that's what I did at that period of time, and it can change, it doesn't always have to be the same, you don't always have to have the same standard, you can change standards, and you don't have to think that um I'm because I'm changing standards, I'm going below my standard. No, your standard can just be different because of how you feel. Maybe you're in your Luteal phase and you have a different standard. Maybe like, but make sure that you're always communicating to men what um based upon your standard. You don't have to explain your standard, but you need to communicate to men in an alignment with your standard. All right, and a standard, all right. Only one video call before the first date. So the moment that this man tries to video call you again, we're not going to answer the phone and start talking. Okay? And we're not gonna be like, well, well, I don't want him, I want him to think, I don't want him to think I'm not interested anymore. It doesn't, it doesn't matter. Like, that's the standard. Good morning texts have to come with a meaningful question. That's the standard. If they don't come with that, don't don't just send them. Okay? Your standard can be whatever you want it to be. But without one, you're going to be accepting what men send you. And here's the thing a man could be a really great guy and still and still talk to you in ways that you don't align with. He doesn't have to be an asshole or a jerk to talk to you in a way that you don't align with, right? But you want to make sure that y'all can get on the same page about that. So when he thinks everything is okay because he's saying things to you and you're responding, he's calling and you're picking up, he thinks it's cool and you're getting annoyed and frustrated in the background, and you're sending me screenshots of text messages saying, Torah, what's going on? Nothing's happening, versus this is what I want. Someone says, Do you have to communicate your standard to the man first? No, you don't have to communicate it. But if it is not aligning with what you want, you need to make sure you act accordingly. You need to make sure you act accordingly so continually to communicate that. Okay. I want you to be able to say your standard in one sentence to yourself. If you can't say it in a sentence, you don't have a standard yet. So that's what I want y'all to think about. Okay. And if whenever you have this standard, it allows you to figure out in the first week if that man is capable of that or not. It will allow there is no fizzling out. He either can meet the standard or he can't. Do y'all see how there's no fizzle, like how when I ask a lot of you, I'm like, hey, what happened? Oh, you know, it just fills it out. The conversation just fills it out. I don't know what happened, we just stopped talking. I don't know what happened, like this was the last text that sent. None of that makes sense. You should be very clear about why you're talking to a man and why you're not talking to a man. You should be very clear about why a conversation is continuing to come to continue to go, or why you stop having a certain conversation. There should be no confusion when you have a standard. If you are confused, if you don't know what happened, it's because you don't have a standard. Okay? I hope this is landing with you. You can let me know if it's still confusing. Someone said, Would this work? I enjoy communicating with you and perfectly. For a good morning text, come with an intriguing question to stimulate our minds. I I could like it could work. It I it would just need to come with like an example because it feels very formal. Right? Like if you're going to send a good morning question, if you're going to send one. Alright. Someone says, How do you go about processing the fear that your standard might turn off some men or they might think you're doing too much? Process the fear. Just have the fear. Know that there are going to be quite a few men who will think you're doing too much. But any anytime any of that thought might come to mind, I would never want to date a man that thinks I'm too much. Like I would never want to date. I am a true believer of like how can I say the wrong thing to the right person? It's I am I turn a lot of men off. I literally have shared in Instagram reels some of the men that I've turned off. I turned some men off last week. That slid in my DMs on my spam account. I'm sure they were just like, oh my gosh. Hey, boo. I'm sure there was like, there was this guy in my DMs. He slid in my spam account on Instagram. And, you know, he was just like, hey, you know, you know, how are you? And I was just like, hey, you know, how are, you know, how are you? And he's like, he said, I'm doing great now that I've heard from you. And I was just like, oh, this is key that this man don't know what to do, and he don't have a plan. And so I said, What is your plan? That's literally what I said to him. Because my standard is I only date men or talk to men or entertain men in my DMs who have a plan. And when that man said, I said, How are you? And he said, Good, now that I'm talking to you, immediately I was like, I literally messaged him, I said, What is your plan? Like, what's the plan? Because, like, because to me, I'm not going to be your pen pal. I'm not going to be your text buddy. I'm not going to be going back. I'm not going to be flirting with you. I'm not going to give you access to me via the internet. What is your plan? He apparently didn't know how to respond to that. So he was just like, oh, just getting to know you and figuring out what, you know, what makes you smile. And I said, What does that look like? Literally, not flirting back with him because he was flirting with me. I'm like, what does that look like? Because my standard is I'm not engaging with men who don't have a plan. He literally could not reply back to me. And therefore, the conversation was done. No one could be like, well, Torah, well, what happened? Well, I don't know, you know. It just kind of fizzled out. It was like, no, like, this man didn't have a plan. And because he didn't have a plan, I ended the connection. You should, you should never come in my inbox without a plan. Ever in your life. Okay. The next point.

Name Your Desire And Outcome

SPEAKER_01 25:26

The next thing you need to have, so you have a standard. Next, you need to have a desire. Your desire is what you're looking for in the interaction that you're having with the man. Okay? So it's not just a date on the calendar, it's how you want to feel. It's also how you want to feel when you're interacting with this man. Okay? So when I'm having a great conversation with the man, what does it feel like? Like, think about it. Like in your body, type it in the comment section. Like when you have a great conversation with the man, like, how does it feel like? How do you want it to feel like if you don't know what it feels like? Like, like, how does it feel? For me, it feels light. For me, it feels fun and playful. Like, I like to, I don't like to have a bunch of like deep looking into the sky at the stars, like, you know, a conversation I would have with my homegirl on edibles. I don't necessarily want to do that with men for a lot a lot of the times, especially if I'm just getting to know them. I'm just like, I want it to be light and playful and fun. I want it to be sexy. Oh, yeah, I like a sexy conversation. I would like to feel sexy in the conversation. All right. Do I want to feel connected? Do I want to feel seen? Certain conversations. I might want to feel seen in a certain conversation. Like, hey, I don't want to feel playful in this conversation. I just want to be seen. Don't try to solve shit for me. Just see me. Just see what I'm what's happening with me today. Okay? Do I want to feel pursued? Do I want to feel entertained? What matters most to me in this conversation? It might not be in every conversation. What is the one thing I want to walk away from this conversation having experienced? Okay. And then also, what specific outcome would I love from this conversation? Is it another call? Is it a deeper connection? Is it a date? Like, what is it? Because if it is a date, why are we on the phone for three hours? If it's a date that we really want, why are we on the phone for three hours? Think about the desire that you have. Okay? Think about the desire. So let's just say, because when you know, when you understand your desire, your responses to men completely change. Okay? You don't give polite responses to men anymore. You don't respond to a man's question just because he asked it. So for example, let's just say you meet a guy, and maybe you have gone on a date, right? And so the next week, you know, he sends you two check-in messages. You've already been on a date. The date was fabulous. Fabulous. You think he's cute and handsome and and you think he got his stuff together, and he sends you two messages. He sends you, hey, you know, good morning, beautiful. Blah, blah, blah. And then the next day, he sends you a check-in message. It's like, hey, baby. Not baby, like, hey, I'm checking on you because you've only been on one day, right? He says, I'm just checking on you. Right? I'm just checking. For me, I don't want that's not my desire for a man and saying just checking on me messages. Instead, I might say something like, you know what would be better than checking in on me? Sending me lunch. You know what would be better than checking on me? Thanks for checking on me, but you know what I would love more? I would love for you to take me to blah blah blah on Saturday. You know what I would love more than you checking on me? Is I would love for you to handle blah blah blah. Well, I would love for us to go to blah blah blah. Does that make sense? I would love for you to call me tonight. I got some free time. You know, instead of saying, oh, you know, thanks for checking in. How are you? Oh, yeah, I'm doing that good. I'm just working hard at work. Oh, working hard at work. Okay, me too. I just, I have a few, I have a few meetings today. Yeah, me too. I got meetings today too. Oh my God, shoot me now. I don't want to have that damn conversation. Send me some lunch, take me to the museum Saturday. Like, what are we doing? I don't want to have that conversation. Talk to somebody else about that. I don't want to have that conversation with you. Okay? I don't have that conversation with any man. Not even Poppy. I don't have that conversation. Never. Okay? Think about what you want to experience. All right. Every conversation you have with a man should support your desires of where you want to go. What you want to experience. Okay? It should be moving you towards the desire, whether it's a phone call, whether it's lunch, whether it's a day, whether it's whether it's knowing him better than you did yesterday. Maybe the desire is, oh, I just I want to know him a little bit better. I want to ask him about this. Yes. This whole conversation is being set up to figure out this, this, and this and that. That's my desire. When you don't do this, you are waiting on him to create it. And then you're gonna be like, Tor, I don't know why the conversations are like this, and they're just fizzling out, and I'm just annoyed. You don't know how to create the conversation you want. And this is how we're ending up three weeks with nothing. And we're drained with dating because we created nothing. Because imagine if I said, Imagine this man said, I'm checking in, right? And I say, you know what, you know what would mean more or to me than checking in is lunch, and he says, and then he goes ghost on me, or he's like, oh no, I don't, I feel uncomfortable sending you lunch, then that's my cue to stop talking to him. You see, you see how there's no fizzling out there? The moment I say, you know what we would be better, or what I would love more than you checking in, is for you to take, I would love to go to this specific restaurant this weekend. And if he says no, not like, oh, not this weekend, but I can definitely do Tuesday. If he's just like, oh no, I I don't really go to restaurants like that, or like, no, I'm not really interested in that. That's my cue. To end things. You see how we don't get in, you see how we don't end up wasting lots of time because we don't have conversations we don't want to have. Do you see how we only end up investing conversation and time and energy in men who can match what we want? There are no frustrations there. There is no confusion, there is no we typed until it fizzled out.

SPEAKER_00 32:55

There is none of that. Because we're very clear on what we're creating, and I want y'all to understand that.

SPEAKER_01 33:02

The third thing that you need to have, because we talked about you needing to have a standard, you needing to have a desire, and you also have to have a boundary. Okay.

Boundaries That End Time Wasting

SPEAKER_01 33:14

Someone said this is giving us the permission and charge we didn't know we needed. I'm happy about that. Third thing you need is your boundary. Your boundary is what you do when the interaction falls below your standard, or when it misses your desire entirely. Your boundary is what you do, right? It's the line in the sand of what happens when the interaction falls below your standard, or when it misses your desire entirely. So if you know that your standard is I I only date men, remember I said I only date men who have a plan? There is no, I'm just trying to get to know you. That's not a plan. That's a that's a thought. That's banter. I don't, it doesn't align with me. And my boundary is, oh, because he didn't have a plan, I am now not talking to him. I will not talk to him. He is a man without a plan in his late 30s. That is problematic. Okay? The boundary is I done told this man, you know, these are like instead of checking in, he missed my desire. When I when I said instead of checking in, I would rather him plan, schedule out, and make reservations for this particular restaurant. And if he doesn't do it, I'm executing the boundary. Oh, it was nice getting to know you. We're not a fit. Best of luck.

SPEAKER_00 34:56

Oh man, that's too bad. We're not a fit. Best of luck.

SPEAKER_01 35:03

Okay? Being annoyed is not a boundary. A lot of y'all be being annoyed. You get annoyed, and I'm just like, that's a waste of your time. Why are we getting annoyed here? Getting annoyed is because you're taking too much shit. Getting annoyed is because you're not expressing your desire and executing on the that's not like you have to execute a boundary because getting annoyed is not a boundary. It's a waste of time, it's an energy leak. You should be taking that energy for you being annoyed and going creating something. Some of y'all want to start businesses. Take that energy, go start a business. Take that energy and go meet friends. But please don't use it up being annoyed at a man. It is a waste. Okay? Benting to your homegirls is not a boundary, it's a waste of energy. Why are we doing that? Why are we venting and complaining about men? That's not a boundary, girl. While you're venting and complaining, your ass is still looking for him to respond to you. Your ass is still um waiting for him to do something you want him to do. Waiting to see if he steps up on his own is also not a boundary. Like, well, I'ma just see what happened. That's a waste. Why are we seeing? Either put it, put it out there, let him see what he like, you can't see what he's gonna do unless you put it out there. Okay? And what I mean by that is if a man doesn't know your desire and you have a desire, you need to put it out there. Let's just say your standard, your desire is to receive flowers on the first date. Or your desire is or you don't like flowers, you want a book for the first date. Maybe you want a book. You need to put it out there in the conversation to see if this man's like book, like, why would I bring you a book? Like, nah, like, why would why like I don't get why why am I bringing you a book? There, you have your answer. You have your answer. So, what I want you to do when it comes to your boundary, I want you to think about what kinds of messages or behaviors will you no longer respond to without saying something. I will ask clients all the time, why didn't you say anything? And they're like, Oh, well, I didn't want to like make noise, I didn't want to rock the boat, you know. So you just kept talking to him? They literally just kept carrying the conversation. Put a three in the comment comments if you've ever done that. Like you've been annoyed with the man, but you continue to respond to him. Okay, if a man keeps sending surface level messages with no depth or direction, what do I say? What will I say? Right? We already know that there's a good chance men are gonna do it. What will we say? If a man talks to me for a whole week and there's no day plan, what do I say? If a man stops responding after I set a boundary, how will I interpret that? That's also a boundary. How will I interpret a man pulling away because I set a boundary? For me, it's like, oh, that's amazing. That's amazing that he stopped talking to me. Saved me so much time. It's amazing that he bowed out so fast.

Weeding Out Low Effort Fast

SPEAKER_01 38:35

I remember my client, one of my clients, she was always getting guys who would take her on a first date, but then always be looking for sex afterwards. They would like always be like, Oh, come to my house, come to my house. And this is because these men only wanted to exploit her and extract from her. And I said, the way you're gonna kill that, the way you're gonna handle that is you are going to ever before you get off a dating app, you are going to ask a man for something on a first date. For something. Okay, that's how we're gonna kill this. You're and your boundary is anybody who hymns and haws about it, you're gonna unmatch. And when I tell you, there were so many men that seemed so enthusiastic, and when she bought up something simple as flowers, they were just like, Yeah, I I would rather surprise you. I don't feel comfortable with you asking. Oh match. Yeah, well, I was I wasn't thinking about doing that. Like bringing you, sending you a car. I was more so thinking, you know, you could catch the train. Oh match. And at first she felt, first she felt like, oh my gosh, this isn't working. I'm repelling everybody, I'm never gonna be out on dates anymore. And I said, please trust the process. We're just weeding out all the low effort energy that you've been carrying around you because these like these are the men, the residual, all the low effort energy. There are going to be men falling away, and I need you to be comfortable with that. But trust me, next thing you know, she starts sending me screenshots of the men that were like, Oh, absolutely, no problem. I'll bring these flowers. Oh, absolutely, no problem. I'll send the car, and I say, Yeah, this is how this works. You have to trust the process, let that low energy frequency vibrate out of your body. It ain't always gonna be overnight, but you gotta, you gotta let, you gotta let men tell you no a lot of times. Okay it's not too much. A lot of, like a lot of women don't even realize there are women getting very extravagant gifts on the first date. That they that like and they're not having sex for. The things that these women are getting, like, this is nothing. Right? The only reason these women are getting these gifts is because they believe that it's possible. That they know that there's a man who's willing to do it. Okay. All right. Someone says sending a car is scary because you have to provide an address. You do not have to provide your address. I literally have a grocery store that's three minutes up the road that I park my car at. You do not have to provide your address to receive a car. You have you got y'all have to be smart. Okay. There's so many different ways to execute on these things to where you can protect yourself. So it so if a man texts you, what are you doing twice in a row, that might look like, hey, I don't stay connected to men who send me messages like that. These are the kind of messages I prefer. Okay. If a man stops responding after you set a boundary, the conversation did not fizzle. It ended. There is no confusion about what he was here for. Y'all get it? Like there's no confusion. Your boundary is what protects your time. A lot of us are very drained and frustrated with dating, and it's because we're not executing on the boundary. We're putting up with too much stuff, and we're claiming we're dating. And that's not what dating entails. That's what people pleasing does. That's what overinvesting does. That's what pick pick-me behavior does. But when you're dating, you need to you need to be ruthless with your boundaries. It protects your time. Each week you spend on a man who was never gonna date you is a week you didn't spend on the one who would. Each week you spend with the man who refuses to send you to um get you flowers on a first date, you're wasting time. So many of you guys want a relationship, but you're not gonna get there giving three weeks at a time to men who are just passing time with you. Okay? So again, y'all need three things. Number one, your standard tells you whether he's capable of what you want. You need a standard, a desire, and a boundary. Your standard tells you whether he's capable of what you want, like it's the baseline of what you want to experience with the man. Okay. Um the desire is how, like, what do you want to happen in the interaction that you have with a man? And the boundary is what do you do when the line has been crossed? Like, what's the line in the sand? What you're available and what you're not available for, and like what do you do when that line has been crossed? Okay, line has been crossed. And when you have all those three things, you stop replying just because your phone lit up and you start deciding if this is worth your time while it's happening instead of finding out a week, a month later. Okay, so that is our live today.

Curve To Cuff Invite And Bonus

SPEAKER_01 43:56

And if you have any questions about today, put it in the comments. Question box, I'm going to be answering questions. And then also, if you want to, this is sponsored by Curve to Cuff. I'm opening up the doors to Curve to Cuff, uh, which is my 12-month signature program for high-achieving women who want to build a roster of three commitment-ready men in 90 days. That the doors are opening. If you want to learn more about that, I'm hosting a training called Build Your Roster. I'm going to show you exactly what it's going to take in the training. Put three, number three, F-O-R-M-E, in the chat. One word, if you want to come to my free training, because on the training, I'm going to give you, I'm going to train live. I'm going to stay on the call for as many. Last time I was for four hours. I'm going to answer all the questions you want and I'm going to open the door to Curve to Cuff. And Curve to Cuff is $3,000 with an option of a payment plan. And there is a bonus that you definitely want to receive. Last time we sold out of the bonus within hours. You want to be the one of the first ladies on the training. Three for me, one word, y'all. One word. Stuck together. You want to make sure. Thank you for the compliments. You want to make sure that you're there so that you can be one of the first ones to join into Curve the Cuff and get the bonus. Get the special bonus. It's number three F O R M E one word. Someone says, if I get frustrated with a guy, I ask myself, if you have five successful men pursuing you in my tour of us, exactly. It's number three for me. Like the number three. It's $3,000.

Picky At 40 And Self Respect

SPEAKER_01 45:36

Someone said, Isn't it making us hard to be loved? Is that still possible to be that picky at almost 40? I feel like I don't have the position to be difficult as I'm aging and I'd like to meet a man to make a baby this year. Haha. I would rather be single with 30,000 cats alone forever than to settle for a man who cannot truly love me at the capacity that I want to be loved. I would rather drag my coochie over concrete, my bare coochie over concrete before I give birth and give a dusty man access to the next generation just because giving him a baby, just because I refuse. I refuse. Before I do that. Just cut my womb out. Cut it out. Give me a hysterectomy today. If I know that I have to end up with a man who cannot reach the level of service and support and refuse. So that's the first thing I want to say. Like you can never want a man back more than you love yourself. You're going to lose. You're going to meet men who will have a baby with you, but you will be treated horribly. This man will not make you feel loved. You will, like someone said, single, a single married mom. Like you will feel like a single married mom. This man will not protect you the way that you want to be protected. Like this man will play in your face. I need you to understand that there are so many married women. Do y'all know like 40% of my followers are married? And a lot of them are in my DMs complaining about their husbands and asking me, Tora, can't like, do you have an offer for married women? Because I want my husband to be able to do this. My husband isn't doing that. My husband isn't doing that. I'm just like, people shooting for marriage and shooting for kids, they need to shoot for standards. And I feel like you like, if you want to settle, that is fine. I am harder to love because I don't make it easy for men to play in my face. I'm a 39-year-old woman. I do make it, I make it hard for men to love me. But in my opinion, I make it hard for men to play in my face. Because if you really love me, you would, you would match, you would match what I need. I my life is full of female friends where I just feel so so loved by. Like, why would I settle for a man who can't do the same? Why would I do that? So, yes, you do not have to, like, you can be less difficult and choose men who want you to be easy, but you will pay a price. You just have to be aware that you will pay a pretty penny for settling. So I'm not gonna tell you not to do it, but you will pay for it. And you have to ask yourself: is this is having a baby from this man worth it? Is marrying this man worth it to be easily loved? Someone says, Do you recommend any type self-work to show up like this kind of woman? Yes, join my program. That's exactly what we do in Curve the Cuff. Curve the Cuff is a whole lifestyle upgrade. If you ask any of my clients, I don't even know if they're on here today. If you ask any of my clients, it's so funny when clients are offboarded, they're like, Torah, like, we really, I really came in here thinking this was about a man. My whole life has changed. Like everything in my life, my career is better, my friendships are better, the relationship with my mom is better. You cannot change your love life and transform it and attract better men without a whole life upgrade. You can't. You're like your whole, your whole entire being, you have to change from the inside out to do these things. Because, yeah, I'm sharing them on an Instagram live, but 99% of people won't be able to execute it. They won't. Because they they don't understand that they have certain blind spots. That that's why I'm here to coach them through. They don't understand that they think that they are special snow snowflake, and this is why they can't execute certain things, right? They might have a certain fear that another woman doesn't have. Kristen said, client here facts. Exactly, your whole life has to change. Right? It's not performative. You have to change. So if you want to join Curve the Cuff, be there when the door is open. But that's the type of self-work that we do today. Kristen, me and you have to, I want to talk to you. I need to know more. My clients be winning and don't be telling me. Crazy. Oh, this is a good question, y'all,

Long Distance Standards That Progress

SPEAKER_01 51:07

right here. This is a good question. Someone says, I find that I get better matches in a different city, say one hour flight away, but I struggle to advance the conversation because of the distance. What would you suggest in that case? You need a standard, a desire, and a boundary. For example, y'all remember when I was dating big body bands and he was long distance before he moved to Texas. I told that man on our first date, I said, this is gonna be our last date. As I only date, I can I only date men who can. My standard was I own like me dating men, they would have to be able to uh fly to me within two weeks. That man had that flight booked at night on our after our first date, because he was long distance. He was I met him visiting in town. I was like, oh yeah, this is our last date. We just we just chill him, because I don't date long distance unless a man can fly to me within 48 hours. When I was dating Saudi, he lived in Saudi Arabia, but he he had access to fly to me whenever he wanted to. He would be like, oh, get your bathing suit, we're about to go here, I'm flying in today. What is your standard around that? Again, the reason why you're not having the interactions with you want is because you don't have a standard, a desire, and a boundary around distance. If a man cannot execute that for me and my desire, and then when I told, when I told Big Body Bans, I said, when you come back for our date, these three things I want to have. I want you to take me to the spa. I want you to um have me home cooked African meal, and I want you to take me to a winery. Done. He did all of that when he came. That was the desire. The boundary would have been if he came down here and he didn't do all of that, he would have never talked to me again. Y'all see how that works? Now we can have a long-distance relationship because you meet the standard, the desires, and I don't got to execute my boundary on your ass. So if you want to have long-distance relationships that progress, you need to put this in place. I hope that makes sense. Someone says, would this program be for me? I am a widow. My husband of 22 years was wonderful. I know my worth already, want to learn how to date these men again. Yeah, absolutely. I've worked with several widows, men who have died from cancer, car accidents. They say I had a good, I had a good husband. I had a good husband, Torah, but I'm back in the streets after 20, 30 years. Who are these men? Who are they? They're not like my husband. Um, they haven't dated in 20, 30 years. That's why it's important to have dating skills, is because your marriage will end in death or divorce. And if and if you have some time on your hand with the death or divorce, and if you're the one that didn't survive, I mean, if you're the one who survived, then you're gonna want to have these skills. So absolutely, it's all about gaining the skills. My the program, the program is for anybody who wants to be able to create the kind of love life they want on like automatic. If you don't have what you want love life-wise, it is designed for you to help, for you to be able to create it versus hoping it happens, versus waiting for it to happen. It's like, oh, all I need this, I have this strategy and I have these skills I need to develop. This is what I'm gonna work on on the next 90 days. This is how I make it happen. This is my personalized plan. You know what? Aileah talking about I was first to I was nervous at first to communicate my long distance requirements, but he executes all of them, even fixes my house. Girl, I have not seen you on the coaching calls, and when y'all disappear from the coaching calls, I be knowing y'all be having men. But y'all don't be letting me know y'all got a man. But y'all telling me on the live in front of everybody. I I'm offended. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I love this for you. I would like to chat more about it though. Someone says, what's a one good line, one, what's a good one-liner to say to the man when it comes to the kind of text and communication I prefer? A good one-liner was like, hey, I prefer this. I don't, I don't prefer that, I prefer this. I don't prefer that, I prefer this. It's simple, like, we don't need to try to make this stuff so cutesy for men. Oh, you were in the hospital, I'm sorry to hear that. We don't need to make it cute for men, we just need to make it clear. If a five-year-old has to ask you what it means is not clear enough. That's the only reason when a young lady who had wrote what she wrote to the man, I'm like, talk like you talk to a five-year-old. Like, even when it comes to y'all, when I write content and emails for y'all, I make sure a five-year-old or 10-year-old can understand what I'm writing before I send it to you. Because I know your brain, your brain is gonna, it needs to compute it very fast, quickly. Okay? My program is 12 months long. Okay, someone says, How do I playfully ask for flowers? Stop trying to ask playfully. And it's also much more layered than that. Right? I need to know a lot of times this stuff is in stages, but I wouldn't be going like, how do I ask playfully? Because oftentimes we're just trying to say it so he does it for us, versus just saying the

Clear One Liners And Final Q And A

SPEAKER_01 56:50

thing. Anywho, I love you guys. That's all for now. I was here for an hour. I'm always here for an hour. Every time I say I'm gonna be here for 30 minutes. But yeah, if you want to come to my free class, put three for me, number the number three, F-O-R-M-E, one word in the chat so that you will get access to my free training. And then from there, you can sign up for my class. I mean, for Curve to Cuff. Okay. Yep, I'm so happy that you enjoyed today. This is this is the type of stuff that we coach you through on the call. Okay. Someone says, I want to join Curve to Cough, but I'm preparing to complete my doctorate in October. How much time would I need to commit weekly? Um, I would say, and you're not coming here to do homework like pieces of paper. You're gonna take action in the real world. So I would say three to four hours, like one hour of coaching and the three hours in the real world, maybe listening to a replay or doing some real world stuff that you can do the same the same time you're doing your doctorate. Like whatever you're doing your doctorate, you will maximize it for the program. Right? You will make sure everything overlaps. So if you're getting your doctorate, which I actually helped a woman get her doctorate that she was trying to get for seven years, and now she I have I have a podcast episode. You should go listen to it. If you type, if you reply podcast, you can go and listen to an episode. Um, her name is Courtney, and we helped her get her doctorate while dating at the same time. So we helped the doctor date. And this doctor didn't like she she wasn't, she didn't even have like a boyfriend or anything like that. And she was what 38 years old. So go listen to the podcast episode. There's lots of results on the podcast, so go listen to it. I gotta get out of here. Bye.

Free Class Reminder And Reviews

SPEAKER_01 58:59

Alright, lady, that was the episode. You already know what to do. If you haven't already done it already, sign up for the free class. It is in the show notes, or you can go sign up at the link in my bio on Instagram. Be There or B Square August 16th at noon. So that you can go ahead and hop into Curve the Cuff. Okay. All right. Also, go ahead and leave a review. I've been loving the reviews. I'm gonna start reading the reviews out on the podcast, but I've been looking at the new reviews. So if you enjoyed this episode, definitely leave a review. And until next time, bye.