My name is Jessica Knight, and this is the relationship recovery podcast. Today, we are going to talk about the cycle of abuse. And truthfully, I've recorded this about 4 times today. I... The last 1 just didn't save and the ones before that. I listened to it and it just didn't feel like it was clicking. And so I wanted to name that because I feel like at this point when I talk about it. I I do think that this is a really difficult thing to talk about and I think it's a difficult thing to understand. The purpose of me wanting to talk about the cycle abuses is because when I was in an abusive relationship, and I was vending to a friend, they sent this to me. The next day I was in a therapy session, and my therapist made me pull it up. I had a a few other incidents like that, but looking at the cycle, being forced to stare at the cycle. I remember looking at it and just crying and being like fuck. Yeah. I... I mean, I cannot un it. So it was very was 1 of the first things that was extremely validating for me. I was healing the emotional abusive relationship to be able to validate the experience that this was emotional abuse that when you know, whether or not the... My partner at the time was saying that it was or it was not, this is. So if it is, It is, and this could be 1 way for you start to understand the cycle of abuse within your relationship and how that shows up. And also, it can help help you figure out what you might be able to do and what boundaries you might be able to set to start to help yourself. The cycle of abuse in any domestic partnership is important to understand if you're an abusive in an abusive relationship and the simplest way, I've ever heard the cycle arrived is this. When person gets hurt, the abuser gets away with it, they both claim that the victim is the crazy 1. So what that really says is in the cycle of abuse. There's 1 person getting hurt and that same person is being blamed. By you and by the abuser. And so I'm going to split this up into 2 parts There are 4 stages in the abuse cycle. I'm going to tell you briefly what they look like. I also posted a photo of the cycle in the show notes, so you can look at that, you know, or and, you know, if you're not driving and listening to this, you can pull up the cycle of abuse and it will come up and you can look at it and you can reference it as we move through. But after that, I'm gonna talk about a little bit of how this feels how this comes up, the types of things that come up and what you might be able to do about it. And so The first stage in the abuse cycle is the tension building stage. This is when dress begins to grow from the pressures of life. You know, or other points of conflict. So you guys may have had conflict before, but usually there's also outside factors happening, like somebody's work life or friendship life or family life, The victim may attempt to reduce the tension by complying with what the abuser needs. So if the abuser is asking for, like, like, you know, I need all this time of apart or I need you to do all these things or I need you just to, like, cancel your plans or whatever that might be. And, like, you're complying to kinda keep the peace. But you're not actually doing what you need to be doing for yourself. Right? You might be abandoning your self care to show up for them. That tends to lead to the abusive incident, which is that's when the verbal emotional physical, sexual... Even financial abuse takes place, and this includes anger intimidation and threats, and other forms of abuse. You know, there will be anger. There will be blaming. There will be arguing. And so this is like, usually like, the moment that something happens explosion that happens in whether it's a fight, you know, whatever it might be, But after that, it goes to the reconciliation phase. Where the abuser apologize, they show remorse. They often beg for forgiveness. They might even shower you with love and affection and promise that this will not happen again, They might recognize their own behavior. But also, they might deny that the abuse occurred. Or say that it wasn't as bad as you're claiming. So this is also typically where you start to doubt yourself which then brings us to the calm. And this is when the relationship enters this period of calm when the abuse slows or stops and the abuser may continue to ask for forgiveness. They might make positive gestures. This is typically you know, like, but in between, like, almost like the honeymoon and the comp phase is almost like when we're I'm sorry. Yeah. Not the Honeymoon in the com. The reconciliation and the calm is usually when we, like, are entering Honeymoon phase. This is when the abuse could be forgotten or it could be seen moment. But the stages don't all happen at once. They're not done the same way in each relationship, they're not done the same all the time. It can happen within a couple of hours while some other times it could take months, But if if this continual cycle is happening. If you are finding yourself going from like, constantly feeling like your intention and then an incident happens. And then we get to reconciliation. Then you're getting to this comp base. And then you're like, okay, Great. Fine. We're here, Blah blah, but then you're being... Very aware of your feelings right before you reach, like, you know, are very aware of your actions as tension search stability, you start to feel that, you're likely in a cycle of abuse. If you're worried so much about how you show up to prevent the other person from acting, you're in a cycle of abuse. So I'm going to break this down a little further. And try and give a few warning signs as I go along so that you know what to look out for. The calm stayed Like I mentioned is kind of like the honeymoon stage. This is where we get addicted to how the other person makes us feel versus where a trauma bond might be formed. You may not forget about the abuse in the comp stage, but you do start to believe that it's past due. That's in the... It's behind you. But as we reach that tension building stage, the abuser starts to make you responsible for their emotions. And this usually happens happens quite su like, if it's in moments over time, that you could sense tension, but there is no outburst. Like I just said before, you know, you may feel like you're an anxious or you're working on egg shells. You may be wondering will there... What mood will they be in? Will they be in a good mood? They behave normally, You know, if I say, like, oh, I don't wanna go to the movies. Is it gonna be the end of the world. If I'm late, am I gonna be scolded? Will they accuse blame a fan threatened? Will they be mad at me? How will they treat me? Because there is no consistency in an abusive relationship. So if you're feeling on edge, it's because while like On 1 hand, you can count on them acting out. If you're still figuring out, if you are in an abusive relationship, all you know, is that it's inconsistent? It is important to note that during the tension building stage, you can also shift to... Or it can also shift to a place of neglect or abandonment. The abuser could stop responding to you or cancel plans with that reason. And here are some other warning signs look out for. The communication might become poor. The abuser might blame you for things that you didn't do, the abuser may set up. The the victim you know, to make sure if fight takes place. So what that looks like would be that like, maybe they start, like, pushing your buttons a bit, like to kind of like, egg on or they know what a trigger would be for you. So say, like canceling plans is a trigger for you. And then they you they cancel the plan with you and they don't give you any opportunity to say how you feel. So say it's like, oh my God, like, I was looking forward to this then they're like, well, You can't handle change. It's like, they're they're sort of setting you up for reaction, so that way they can blame you. The abuser might also give you the silent treatment and refuse to answer you. They might just shut down completely. And they also might feel like they can't do anything right? Sorry, I said that wrong. I meant to say that you might feel like you can't do anything right. And you're so afraid of making mistakes. That might trigger the abuser anger. And so you're left wondering what changed and what did you do to cause the change? You know, this is when a client typically comes to me and they're just like, If I didn't say x, he would never acted like that or I should have asked him to make plans with me, I wish he would just talk to me and tell me what's wrong. I feel like something is wrong, but every time I ask, he tells me nothing. I can't stop thinking about this and What was in my head. But while this tension is rising and the abuser is coming irritable, you're starting to kind of lead to the abuse incident in which Their actions are in stock stark contrast to their words. Like I care about you, but I am abusing you, and I'm telling you your feelings are wrong, and I'm telling you that this is your fault is not an act of love. I But if we reflect back for a moment and think about the Honeymoon stage, the Honeymoon stage is not browns in reality, It is a fantasy. It is sort of the stage that's sort of, like both of you are in the stage of, like, this oh, this is so good. Right? But if you're an abusive cycle, it's not That's not the reality situation. The reality of the moment, right? Or the perceived reality of the moment. The abuser projects all their blame onto the victim when we get to the abuse of incident. So therefore, that is also a moment that's not in reality. Because now the abusers is convinced that the victim, you are wrong or that you've done something. So the abuser might attack the victim's confidence, so say things like you don't do anything right or your lazy, useless your failure. My threaten you to harm you or somebody close to you. They might yell and scream or or objects, If you've watched made, there's a really good quote in there about, like, before, you know, before they hit you, they hit near you. So throwing objects, even if they don't hit you is still abusive. It's still a scare tactic. And they might eventually physically or sexually assault you. This doesn't happen in a lot of emotionally abusive relationships that are usually focused on emotional abuse, but it does happen and it is important to know. Because if it is happening to you, I don't ever want you to gas yourself and think, It's not. All of this is meant to shift to power dynamic. The entire cycle is meant to keep the controlling partner control of the victim. The cycle does just that because what usually follows is an apology. And this is when we enter reconciliation. The abuser might present a genuine apology. And a promise to change. They will act like they feel remorse for the incident. This kind of apology will happen over and over again, and you may hear this isn't me and promises that I can change or this isn't... Or this isn't gonna happen again. And the victim may feel a false sense of security believing that the abuse is finally over. And that they won't be put in that situation again. But you need to be aware that if the apology is coming in such a way that minimizes your your perception, of what happened or their responsibility or if the abusers using outside factors for a reason for the behavior, like blaming work or other people, or even denying or minimizing the abuse or saying it didn't happen or saying they don't remember it, or even saying that it's your fault because you provoke them, You need to be aware that that apology is wrapped in manipulation. Because this will start to cause you to believe that the abuse was section and not the norm. If you're questioning the reality of what just happened and if you are blaming yourself, then the abuse will seem like a moment and not the consistent thing that's happening. So you need to be really careful if you find yourself apologizing for causing the incident. The abuser may even start to push blame on you more and more. If you do start... If you don't if you don't apologize. Right? There's probably so used to you apologizing for being the cause, when you don't do it, they're gonna act more. They're gonna say it louder. They're gonna tell you that it is your fault and like, now, you're the abusive 1 because you're not that Apologizing. That is not true. They are downplay the severity of their own behavior. But the reason that the calm stage even happens is because both people need a justification as to why the abuse happen. Both people need to sort of like, come back to it and be like, oh, I love them and Like, it's fine. Like, it's okay. It was a moment and then got returned to Honeymoon face. It's sort of like, When you're in calm, you can look at everything and be like oh okay, It's fine. The war over. It could literally happen again the next day. It could take a week. It could take a month. Chances are if you're listening to this, it's happening more frequently than a month. Because this is a cycle, it is going to Ne start again. And if you feel like this sounds like your relationship dynamic you are in a cycle of abuse. And it is important for you to be to aware that any abuse does not go away on its own, That's why I called a cycle and seeking outside help and healing is the only way the change is going to take place. So how do you break the cycle? But First, you might wanna listen to my podcast on trauma bonding because I talk about why this happens and why you're here. So if you're listening to them and you're like, how the fuck did I get so wrapped up into this. Go listen to that, and then ask yourself that question again. Listen But you will need to identify the use the behavior that's happening. And so I do have some resources on my website on identifying abusive behavior. But if you are curious about it, you could also reach out to me. Give me a sense of what's going on, and I'll let you know what I see. And You will need a support system, whether that's a professional coach, counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist. And a friend that understands, I had 1 friend who understood. 1. Okay. 1 in a that's a lie. I had 2. I had 2 friends Understood. I had 2 friends that didn't ask me why do you keep hurting yourself? They understood that that I was stuck. You need people your life that are going validate you tell you what they see. They're going remind you of what you forgot. When I work with people, part of my job is reminding them incidents of abuse that they forgot. Remember the time you put a tracker in your car? Do you remember the time that you sat down, you made a list of all the things that you needed from him because he told you to and you gave it to him and he did 0 Do you remember that text conversation that you sent me that you felt super gas. Do you remember when he threw things at you and you left, and he didn't even remember the next day. You remember when he blamed you that he was late for Golf because he didn't plan. And somehow was your fault? It helps you get right with reality. It helps you really think about what's really happening which is kind of what needs to happen first in order to change the cycles to get really fucking real with yourself. Because you will need to change your response. Because you can't change that behavior, but you can change your response to it, so long as it doesn't put you in danger, which is a very loaded thing to say. But you will know if you're in danger. You will know that you need extra help if you are. Right? Like you're gonna need a different type of support system, then if you were just dealing with the emotional abuse, not the same or some abuse isn't danger, but it is. But the You will need to start to change your response, which is going to spark a response out of them. What I mean by that is typically when the person who has been the victim for a while starts to respond to it differently. They act out more. The tools that worked before to bring to gain control are no longer working. 1 of the ways that I have seen this happen is that once when the victim starts to either set boundaries for themselves or if they start to dis they are blamed incessantly, the yelling and the screaming from the abuser increases. And any boundaries that the person sets is... They're told they're wrong. So if it's like, I can't have this conversation right now, they're told, like, Of course, you can't. It's like, you know, in that moment, I I always remind them like, how many times have you been given the silent treatment? Like, you're doing this out of self preservation right now, not out of being an asshole, like how they were. And I think it is just really important to think about what am I no longer willing to do Like, maybe I'm no longer willing to have these conversations, and that's okay. And if you are reading this and you need support, you can reach out to me because sometimes being validated and hurt, just changes everything. I do have life experience and extensive training on this subject and you are not alone, and I could support you even if you're not ready for coaching right now. So you can reach out to me at jessica jessica coaching dot com. You can fill out a clarity form to set up a free call on my website. And you could also follow me on Instagram and Dm me. Full disclosure, sometimes those go to that other box and I don't see them. I'm here and I do wanna support you.