5 Reasons Narcissists Ruin the Holidays

The Holiday Season with a Narcissist can be incredibly challenging and dizzying. On the one hand, they may promote the "most wonderful time of the year" while tearing you down and making the entire season miserable for you. In this episode, I share three stories of Narcissistic abuse before going through 5 reasons why Narcissists ruin the holidays.

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Welcome to the Relationship Recovery Podcast hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others, and heal the relationship with yourself so you can learn to love in a healthy way My name is Jessica Knight, and thank you for being here. Before I dive in, I have a few announcements. One, I just released a boundaries deep dive, and it's a course on how to set boundaries with a manipulative or toxic person, which would include a narcissist and an emotionally abusive person. This is a online course for $39. It has a live video training from me with some resources, and it's designed to help you understand why boundaries are not working and how you can begin to set them It's not an end-all be-all, of course, but it is the tool that I use that helped me immensely to set boundaries. The second thing is, is that starting in February, I'm going to be running a group on healing from your trauma bond. This group is for anyone at any level of the trauma bond. You can be out of the relationship and still feel very trauma bonded. You could be starting to realize you need to leave and noticing you're trauma bonded. It's for everyone. I have privacy tools in place so that you can still participate but stay anonymous if that's important to you. You don't have to go at the pace of the course, so if some things are harder, if you do need some more time, the materials will be there. There will be a call schedule that will be posted, and if I get a certain number of people in the group, I'll do a second call. Right now it's at 12:00 Eastern on Wednesdays, but it will be an evening call if I add on a second one. Maybe not on Wednesdays. I haven't decided which day it would be yet. I'm trying to make sure it can be consistent. And I will be asking some experts to come on, psychologists, experts in the field. I might even try and see if Lee Hammock will come on, the self-aware narcissist. We just did a podcast together, and he was very informative, and I think he would be a great resource to have on. But it's still evolving, and that information is on my website, emotionalabusecoach.com. If you sign up for my newsletter, you will get that information sent to your email as well. Okay, enough of the fine print. I was really struggling with this article. I-- By article, I mean podcast. It's really hard to understand how narcissists would act during the holidays, and so the goal of the podcast that I have put together is more about explaining how a narcissist might show up and some themes that you might be able to look out for. So this might not hit every strand of narcissism or, like, why or what's going on in their head and all this stuff. The purpose of it is to help you understand that if this feels like they are blowing things out of proportion and if things feel so hard during this time and if you have expectations that are never met and if they seem that, like, everything is amped up during this time, the-- I always want you to know first, yes, and it could show up in a variety of different ways. And so my goal today Is to, one, share a little bit about my experience, because I had three different experiences with three different people, and then to share with you five reasons why a narcissist may ruin the holidays, because I figured that would blend all of the pieces of how they might show up together. And I might do a second podcast on this, but right now that's what's here. And so the holidays can be a breeding ground for narcissistic abuse. I was reflecting on this earlier in the week and realized both of my toxic partners and my stepdad handled holidays very differently. One felt like the holidays was his time to shine, and he needed everything to happen in a certain way, which every tradition that he wanted was the way that he wanted. It was almost as if this was a time to give himself the childhood he didn't have. There were certain movies to watch, food to eat. The size of the tree had to be, like, massive. It was a production, and it was like there was a level of Christmas that needed to be entertained in order for it to be Christmas. Like, I remember we lived in a small apartment, and I didn't wanna decorate because it was already cluttered in there and I just didn't wanna add more to it, and I thought, like, you know, little trinkets and things would just collect dust. And maybe that is kinda scroogey of me, but it also was realistic 'cause I was the one who'd have to clean it, and I was just like, "I don't want..." And it became... Like, he was so depressed that the house didn't look like Christmas. So I remember I, like, ordered all this stuff on Target, like, on Black Friday to be like, "Here," like, "Let's do it." You know? Like, I, I tried to make him happy in that way. And in comparison to that, I was Scrooge. I had a very opposite view of the holidays. They were filled with a lot of trauma growing up, and I often found that no matter how I cut it, no matter what I did, I'd always be less than to him. I really wanted to find a way that we could enjoy the holidays together, but it was always me versus him, even if we didn't word it that way. When I learned how to begin to embrace holidays in an authentic way, it was after having my daughter and having therapy on this, and being able to see that I could create something that felt like mine He actually ended up resenting me for growing a relationship to Christmas and undermined that growth time and time again, as if I needed to stay a Scrooge forever and keep my I hate Christmas identity. And I always felt a pressure to show up in a certain way and downplay the things I did enjoy or grew to enjoy as I began to see the holiday through my child's eyes. And looking back, even the small things that I did do to try and bring it together was never enough, and I don't think there was ever a version of enough that it would have been. And so I might not ever understand why we put trees inside of our houses, but I do know that I want my daughter to form a relationship to the holidays, and that has been one that we create. For example, we always get a tree that is like a Charlie Brown tree. We think about it as like taking care of the tree no one wanted. I mean, she's five, so she likes to make ornaments and do some things like, you know, do some crafty things. And this year we're gonna fly down to see my family on Christmas Day, and so I told Santa, quote-unquote, to come early. He's coming the day before, so she has a day with her presents. Like, all of these things most likely would not have been okay in that relationship. This also is a time, and it was a time, for agreements to be made based on the child that were no longer kept once he was living that life. And so, for example, the first Christmas separated, my daughter and I chose to stay home, and my family came up just because it would have been too much driving back and forth for us. We had gone down a few times to New York that year. And he decided to go see his family, but then it was my fault, even though we agreed to it, that he didn't have time with my daughter. And that was really challenging for me because I had spent so much time feeling anxious. I ended up spending, I think, that entire holiday break on the phone with my lawyer. Like, "This is what we agreed to, and this is what..." It's just, it was chaos. And if you are in a custody or parental agreement, I want you to just be mindful that some of that stuff can happen. It is normal. This is a time where, like, there isn't really, like, two people coming together to sort out a better plan a lot of the time in these kinds of relationships So I just want to invite you to, I guess, embrace that idea that this might be what happens when I'm in this relationship. Therefore, document everything, make sure you have your records straight, and really stay in integrity for what is right for you. There's a lot more that I can say about that, and I have talked with my clients one-on-one about it in our sessions when they need a frame of reference. This is something I'd be happy to help you understand if you wanted to reach out to me. But just for the purposes of my and my daughter's, I guess, protection, um, and my mental health protection, I'm not gonna say more about that. I then entered, you know, as the story goes, two years later, an emotionally abusive relationship with somebody who is definitely quite narcissistic, and he was a bit ambivalent about the holidays and much, much more on my speed, but he'd get very angry over gifts and expectations. I was thinking about this today, and I remembered a specific argument and how mad he was that he had to buy his family gifts. He'd say things like, "We just tell each other what we want, and then we have to empty our bank account once a year." And while I get it, gifts can be expensive and may take out the fun of just buying something somebody wants, but that's what the tradition was for his family. That's what they did. I mean, I think-- I don't think my family does it, like, just like that. Like here, we just, like, we don't just exchange things like that. But I definitely, like, tell my mom, like, "Hey, I would like the Away suitcase. Can, you know, you and my brothers go in on that for me?" Or something like that. But knowing him, and if things were reversed, I think he would also freak out if he had to buy his own unique gifts, feeling the weight of that decision. And I watched him try and buy a gift for his boss once, and it was like it needed to be the most perfect thing. We went through, like, store to store to store in person trying to find the most perfect thing that, like, had individuality, was unique, all these pieces. And I just remember thinking, like, oh my gosh, like, he hasn't put this much thought into other gifts. But this one, the one that will be seen by others, is so important, taking up so much time And I don't even think he ever ended up getting something that year, now that I think about it. But there really was no happy medium, and I don't think he ever saw how much contention he was bringing to the holiday because truthfully, everyone else was fine with it. And then there was my stepfather who ruined holidays for me as a kid. Around Thanksgiving, I started to record an episode about my relationship to holidays because I do think a lot of us that grew up in abusive homes have tough relationships to holidays, and I got very emotional during it, and I did not release that podcast. I might later on because I think I might just try and re-record it now that I have an idea of, like, what's in there and what's coming up. But that being said, I was the only kid that wasn't his. So I have two brothers And I come from another dad who has never been a presence in my life. So this guy was kind of supposed to be my dad. I called him Dad at the time, which now makes me sick, but that's another story. But he made it known to me over and over that I wasn't his. I was the exception. I was the other. When, you know, I can't fucking imagine doing this to my kid. I could not go a day without being reminded that I was the outcast, and the holidays were not the exception, but they were, like, the time for this to come up. At this time in my life, I couldn't even eat at the table with them, with my family, my mom, my two brothers, and this asshole, because it was like, how quickly can this guy make me cry? During COVID, I cleaned out a lot of things that I had and read through my journals, and one of the things I found in my journal was an... something that I wrote about having food thrown at me at the table. And I remember, I think I was 12, and I wrote, "I'm not a dog. Don't treat me like I'm a dog." And, like, I wasn't saying that to him. I was saying that to myself. I remember getting up, walking out, sitting in my room, not eating, and just being like, how can anybody let this person just do this shit? And to be honest with you, that was tame in comparison to what I went through. But when it came to holidays, you would think, or I think, like, by you would think, I mean, I think this is how, what society would think is that this time is a time that he may let it go a bit and, like, let things be, but that's not what happened. It was the opposite. My brothers would be showered with gifts. They're much younger than me, so that is kinda normal, and I'd get, like, one to two things off my, quote-unquote, "list," which were usually things I really didn't want. We'd go to my grandparents' house, and the game quickly became how quick until Jessi freaks out and cries. And this is because he would be rude to me, say mean things about me, like make fun of me in front of my family, my grandparents, and make me feel like an outcast with my own family. And many of you don't know this 'cause I haven't really talked about it on this podcast, but my grandparents' home is where I grew up. My grandparents raised me. My grandparents are so important to me And the only good holiday memories I have were actually with them, being little, watching the living room be covered in wrapping paper with all my family members there, seeing my grandpa open things up. And, like, this might sound very, I don't know, egotistic and materialistic, but that wasn't it at all. Like, we grew up really poor. I shared a basement apartment with my mom when she finally moved out of that house, like, so, and which I would think I was eight. And we had one bedroom in that home. Like, we didn't have money. We didn't have things like that. That wasn't part of our life. My grandparents-- My grandpa was a World War II vet, and really couldn't work for anybody else, and once he stopped being able to run his own company, that was kind of it. Like, it was... But it was, like, this time of year, because they had five kids, a lot of them would come, not all of them, and there-- so there would just be, like, this sea of wrapping paper, and I think it just made me feel, like, happy looking over, like, across the sea of wrapping paper to see my grandpa smile. You know, my grandma might get some-like a sweater. You know, she usually made me something, like a crocheted blanket, and it was just this warm time that I can still feel when I sit and think about it, but it was taken away. And looking back, I think that he was insecure. Like, knowing what I know now about narcissists, I think this was insecure. He felt shame. His family didn't celebrate Christmas. They were all disconnected and all over the place. But once he was in my life at that time, holidays became me crying in my room. I would go upstairs probably within an hour of being there, and everyone wondering why I was being overly dramatic, because they didn't see what was happening. And this continued for years until the divorce. My brothers ended up having similar relationship with him too, and all of us have a really hard time on holidays. We're all thankful that my daughter brings such cheer and love at this time And I share that so you might be able to see some of your experiences in this and different ways that it shows up. But I'm going to move to why narcissists ruin the holidays, and I have five reasons. One, they lack empathy. You know, one thing that lights up a lot of people during the holidays is watching kids open their gifts. I also like the feeling of giving people something I know that they wouldn't get for themselves or something that just felt so them that I saw in a store. This year, I had a picture of my mom and my kid and my dog walking print, like, made up, and she would never do that. Like, she would never, you know, go on Etsy and figure this out. And I was like, I, I know she's gonna love it when she opens it. Like, it brings me joy when I see other people happy. But when you don't have empathy, there is no joy in giving or making others happy. It's not a behavior that narcissists have or attach any significance to. To them, it's like a monumental waste of time and money, and they feel put out to have to deal with this kind of occasion that they have no investment in and they might not be getting anything else out of. They also don't care that it's the holidays and if they hurt people during this time. They just don't think about that. They don't f- they don't have that bone in their body. So when an activity is all about somebody else, you might notice this when it comes to, like, birthdays, promotions, graduations. The narcissist has no value in celebrating another's achievements unless, of course, they could attain narcissistic supply somehow through that. Instead, it activates jealousy and envy because someone else is being put on that pedestal and getting the attention. So for example, you know, my stepfather in my family's house that, like, we may not all get along all of the time, but this is a place and this is a day that we are happy and we're eating German food and we're, like, doing the things that we wanna do. He doesn't have that attention. He finds this intolerable and will ruin it for others so that he gets that narcissistic supply. Number two Whether it's good attention or bad attention, it all works for the narcissist. If it can't be all about them, where they are, and everyone else gets to, like, be in their essence, they'll get attention other ways. This may be subconscious or conscious, but if they can get you to feel responsible for their moods, which many narcissists do, you can think about the person that will say, "You made me feel this way." You find yourself jumping through hoops that they set up to keep their mood from infecting the holiday, right? So you probably can think of, like, the people-pleasing mother who does everything to make sure that their kid doesn't react or doesn't come home cranky, or, like, all the food that they want so they don't get a reaction. If it's not about all them in a way, they'll make it about them. There really is no difference Three, they don't do responsibility or obligation. So sharing special occasions is just, like, the kind of closeness a narcissist can't handle. It creates expectations that a narcissist doesn't want you or anyone else in your life to have. With expectations comes a responsibility to behave as if they care about what's best for others. Their anxiety always gets the better of them, so they rather just leave people hanging or start a fight so they don't have to deal with the anxiety, which is probably with underlying shame, that they feel over not being the center of attention. This anxiety makes them very unreliable, too, because they, like I said, they don't do responsibility or obligation. When it's on them, their primary goal is to alleviate that anxiety, which usually means shutting people out, so that's why a narcissist might break up with you close to the holiday or around the holiday. And that anxiety, paired with their lack of empathy, is a disaster. And again, that's why we hear so many people go through breakups around this time, because there's so much pressure that the narcissist is feeling, no matter what you do to alleviate it, and they just need to make it about somebody else. Number four, they're finding narcissistic supply somewhere else. I've had many clients tell me that they've had plans for the holidays with a narcissist, and then the narcissist will make a mess or back out, and then they stand up to them, and then they find themselves on the receiving end of a breakup, a text canceling on them, or even seeing that they're spending the holiday with someone else or doing something else. And so when we talk about supply, it doesn't always have to be a person. It could be a thing. It could be a party they were invited to. It could be... Well, I mean, it could really be anything. But the new supply always trumps the old supply. And so-- And this does go as far as a new relationship will trump their kids' needs and with the supply that they got from their child, regardless of the time of year, holiday or not. The new supply gets love-bombed and gets that obsessive attention. There's no way that the old supply can compete with that, even, like, if they don't know they're doing it, like a child. I've seen this a lot around this time of year with clients that I have that have kids and divorce. So if your kid gets that text on Christmas Day after they made plans and they're excited about it, kinda bailing, that's most likely what's happened. I've seen this happen a lot. I've had this happen to me. It is incredibly painful and angering at times. Unfortunately, it's part of the process. Or number five, creating misery is at their default setting. And so at their core, narcissists are severely unhappy and full of shame, and miserable people are miserable to be around. They are always hot and cold. They project their feelings onto people. Everything is about somebody else, not about you. If they believe holidays are irrelevant, if they believe it, it doesn't matter, then your opinions about them are also irrelevant. What you would like them to do doesn't matter. If it means the world to you for them to go to this holiday party and show up with you, then they don't necessarily care about that. That's not important to them. What's important to them is what's important to them inside of their head. It does- they have no empathy to look outside of that. So hoping or expecting them to go against their nature just causes us to suffer more and to be in a fight with ourself more. You have to know what you're dealing with here, and understanding the behavior and the expectations and what might happen, and just really not expecting them to play a solid role in the holidays. Like, there will be no collaborative role. In any way that you cut it, it's their way or the highway, whether they are all in or all out. And so I know this was a lot. I hope that this was helpful in normalizing whatever experience that you're experiencing right now. And during this time, I just want to encourage you to take care of yourself, set boundaries, and be there for yourself and for your family, and do the things that you need to do during this time to show up for yourself and for your children. You can make this be the best it can be in this container, and that probably will take really solid boundaries. And if you need support, you can find me at emotionalabusecoach on Instagram, my website, emotionalabusecoach.com, and you could always email me, jessica@jessicanightcoaching.com. Thank you.