An Abusers Apology and How to Know if they are Truly Sorry

An apology from an abuser never feels like a true apology - and you shouldn’t accept it.

A real apology is remorse followed by silence, space and changed behavior. A real apology is less speaking and more personal work on yourself. A real apology is looking within and addressing what caused you to hurt someone you love.

Have you ever noticed how some apologies make you feel worse after getting them? You thought you were getting the apology you so longed to have; but you got an excuse and a justification?

Often in abusive relationships, we see abusive partners apologizing with little to no willingness to make changes towards nurturing a healthy relationship, or behaving differently in the future.  On todays episode, we unpack an abusers apology and how to know if someone is actually sorry.

If you need support:
Website: emotionalabusecoach.com
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach

I created a series of canned responses that can be helpful with diffusing conflict. You can get them here: https://jessicaknightcoaching.activehosted.com/f/3

Transcript

Welcome to the relationship recovery podcast. Hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended, to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others and heal the relationship with yourself to So you can learn to love in a healthy way. Hello, and welcome back. Today, I want to talk about apologies because when I work with people on emotional abuse, typically at 1 point the abuser will apology or they will be in this dynamic where like, they're sorry, and they'll say things like I said I'm sorry, and I want to help you understand what a true apology is and what an apology is not, and what's behind the inner workings of an apology from an abusive person. And an apology from an abuser never feels like a true apology. And so if you take a moment and just think about the last apology that was said to you and how that made you feel. If it didn't make you feel relief. If you didn't feel heard, if you didn't feel like your shoulders drop away from your chest, in your ears, then probably wasn't a true apology, and you shouldn't accept it. A apology is remorse followed by silence, space, and change behavior. Our real apology is less speaking, and more personal work on yourself, An a apology is looking from within end and addressing what caused you to hurt someone that you love. And so to unpack that a little, and apology acknowledges the actions taken that resulted in pain inflicted on you, It provides an actual plan for how this wrong will be right. How they will write this wrong and there will be actual change in behavior, proving to you that there would not be a repeat of the past. And the purpose of me laying that up now is because as we talk through apologies from an abusive personality, you're going to see that a lot of those items are missing. Have you ever noticed that Some apologies make you feel worse after getting them. You thought you were getting the apology that you long for. And all you got was an excuse and a justification. In abusive relationships, we see abusive of partners apologizing with no willingness to make changes towards nurturing a healthy relationship or behaving differently in the future. We may see them using sorry just like a kid would for you know just wanting to say the magic word to make the situation okay without facing consequences of any of their choices or actions. And we sometimes hear abusers using apologies as a way to further them manipulate their partners or avoid taking true responsibility for their actions. For example, they might say something like, I'm sorry, I hurt you, but you shouldn't have gotten me so angry. And while this may sound like an apology, it places the blame back on the victim for the abusers, choice in this matter to hurt them. And if you've been listening to the podcast for, you know, I think this is episode 7 or 8. 1 of the things that I've touched on in almost every episode is that an abuser refuses to be accountable to their behavior. That is 1 of the defining characteristics of an abuser. The controlling partner will external blame. If they take accountability, they will often only do it to find a way to reassign that responsibility onto you for their out, altercation, like moving forward. They might taste things like it's your fault, you made me do it, I only did it because you did that, and that just adds insult to injury. You will be asked to embrace the pain their conflict. They're underlying abusive conduct towards you. Their request for your compassion can either turn you off or turn you on. But it's that hook that re engages the victim into this abusive behavior. Because you are most likely so worn down that when you get a thread of that apology, and they get you to apologize. You you were thinking, okay. III have to take responsibility for my part I shouldn't have made them upset. When there is no there is no There's nothing that you can do to make somebody so angry. The anger comes from them. It comes from them. I will say that a hundred times. Their anger is their responsibility. You did not make anybody do anything. But as you can see, it can be really hard for a victim to understand whether or not the apologies genuine. Because it usually comes with words, grant gestures that are easily produced, but change in action is a necessary part, of an apology. So the question for you then is not so much on whether the abuser is sorry and feels bad about their choices but whether the abuser is truly taking ownership and changing their actions for the long term. Because many abusers apologize when they have been caught or start recognizing that there will be consequences for their behavior. Like you will leave? Like they, you know, we'll have... Like, they will have to deal with an uncomfortable situation. This doesn't indicate that they are truly sorry. This only indicates that they don't want to have a consequence. Aka, they don't want to be wrong. The abuser is feeling sorry that they got caught. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are sorry for hurting, you or that they are willing to change. I'm going to read an apology and then unpack it for you. And this came after my client was told that the abusive person in her life was not going to apologize anymore because she won't believe it. That was the line. I'm not going to apologize anymore because you just won't believe it. This is the apology. I mean, I think it's because it's never going to come out the way you wanted to to, which I feel leads you to believe it's not sincere or true. Or something. I have apologize. I've accepted the criticism. I've owned up to my parts. I've accepted responsibility and more time and time again but I don't ever feel like it's accepted. Now, there's times where I would fuck up again after or something, but not every time, I just personally haven't felt like you've ever accepted how sorry I am. And it's something I need to work on a hundred percent. I know that and I will do that. And She replied, you don't know how I want it to come out. He replied. But I have asked you, what can I say, what can I do to get you to actually hear and understand how sorry I am? She replied, do you want the real answer to that? He said no, not right now, and the conversation ended there. This client has done a lot of work with me. And was texting me during this interaction for some feedback and support. And while talking to her I pointed out some key things in his apology. He says, it bone up to parts accepted in my responsibility in more time time again, but I don't ever feel like it's accepted. And I want to point out that these are words, not action, owned up, accepted and more are words. Not once, does this person lean on their behavior or what they did to change? Or how they started to see it differently and act differently Owning your part means nothing, if there's no change in behavior. Accepting responsibility without changing, the way you act is not changing your behavior either. And so this client in particular, you know, she did set the stage to explain what she would need. And after a year and a half, she just can't accept words anymore that is something that her and I came to agreement with when she said she wanted to stay in this relationship and try and work on it for some time. In this apology, he declines hearing it. He is therefore not really sorry. If he was, he would have let her say what she needed or what was missing. What she was going to say is the behavior never changed. You are still blaming me. But she never has a chance to say that and she never had a chance to say that after this interaction. If somebody was truly sorry and wanted to hear and apologize in a way that you received it. They will sit there, and they will be present with you because they will want you to feel better. They will want to show you that they mean it. Turning back to this apology. In addition, he gives himself a few outs for fucking up. Which for this client reminded her of all the time she made mistakes and felt nailed to the cross for them. That she could never say sorry enough for long enough in enough ways. For him to accept it, but regardless, This was not his place to give himself an out. He refers to her comments to him as criticisms. Specifically, you know, what he said was, I've have accepted the criticisms. The definition of criticism is the expression of dis approval of someone or something based on perceived false or mistakes. Perceived, false or mistakes does not take any responsibility for any act. That's not saying the things that you've tried to show me that I'm doing. Here's how a true apology would have sounded. I'm sorry for what I've have said, and the way I've treated you in the last year. I know there have been many times I have resisted your viewpoint, and I am sorry. Should Have listened to you and heard you, and I didn't. And I kept trying and fucking up and excuse my actions. I need to get some help and I have a plan to do that, and I'm sorry for hurting you as much as I did. For an apology to be effective, it needs to encompass an authentic appreciation of your experience. It must carrie since sincere empathy towards you for understanding that you have been violated. Without that just words that say nothing and do nothing for you. Words alone cannot change relationship dynamic. Actual change needs to be made. Just But as we know, abusive and narcissistic personalities fall short in the empathy department. The apology is what the abuser wants to say so that they feel better, not what you would want to hear. And if you notice the apology from before, does not touch on how she feels. And if you are finding yourself in a relationship in which the apologies you achieve are loose and ineffective. I want to invite you to look deeper at the dynamics of your relationship. You can listen to my podcast to what are the signs of emotional abuse? If you want to learn more about the themes of an emotionally abusive relationship? I want to touch on an important point, an abuse apology typically gas lights you. When someone tells you that you heard them, You don't get to decide that you didn't. An abuser will try them and not the apology. They will often decide If you or the action is worthy of an apology, but they don't have this right. If you remember from a previous episode, and a abuser believes that their feelings are facts. That because they feel something it has to be true. That's not true at all, just because they feel something does not make it a effect for you. So you will often hear something like, I'm sorry if what I said hurt your feelings. Adding if into that suddenly questions, whether the other person was actually her. Creating an opening for the offender, the abuser to let themselves off the hook, there's a possibility that it didn't actually happen. But this invalidate the other person by drawing into question their experience of their own emotions, and that is gas lighting. Gas lighting can leave people to not trust their reasonable emotional reactions. They think they're wrong for having feelings. It damages their sense of self and they need to rely on others to validate their experiences constantly. A true apology, In contrast to, I'm sorry if what I said hurt your feelings is the comment I made was offensive, and I'm sorry I was so sensitive. But an apology without a change behavior is gas lighting. That is the root of this entire episode. An apology without change behavior. Is gas lighting. Gas lighting is psychological manipulation and abuse. But I imagine that you're listening to this podcast because want to understand what a real apology from an abuser looks like. And so I do want to end with giving you some signs to look for. You 1, they admit to all their abuse, not just the part that they have been caught. 2, they place blame on themselves alone, not you or outside factors. 3, they're willing to submit to the consequences for their actions, meaning you may not want to be around them anymore. 4, they immediately stop further abuse and don't repeat it. 5, they accept your boundaries, even if that means no further contact or space. 6, they do not pressure you to reconcile. They understand this is your choice if you want to. And they still choose to do the personal work on themselves despite if you choose to be with them or not. 7, They do not speak badly about you to others. Blame, shame and guilt are off of the table. 8, They do not expect you to accept their apology. Forgiveness is a journey and it can't be rushed or demanded, they can show they sorry, and it's up to you to choose to accept it if and when you feel ready. 9, They begin to develop empathy stepping into the victim's shoes, and recognizing how negatively you've been affected. 10, they welcome accountability for the long term, not right now, not in this moment, but that the way they treated you might be present within you for a long time and they have to be accountable to that, 11, they seek long term professional help with a license counselor or a coach who's trained in working with a producer of personalities. They cannot do this work on their own under no circumstance. That is something that I am extremely heads strong about. An abusive person needs to change the way that they think they cannot do that on their own. And lastly, number 12, they do not resist if the victim tries to speak out about the abuse and they realize that they have all right to. True accountability is not based on tier, self electrification, promising to never do it again. Those things can be faked are worked up in the moment and there's no evidence of true change. Only long term positive action shows true change. Very, very, very few abusers actually change. And so if you feel like you may not have the option to refuse or accept the apology, Apologies will probably stop being stop caring meaning to you because you hear it so often, yet the abuse doesn't stop. And if you are experiencing abuse, you always have the right to refuse an apology, you deserve to feel safe and happy and respected in your relationship, regardless of how for giving you've been in the past, you can choose to change right now and take a stand, the behavior that you will accept moving forward. And if you are struggling in an emotionally abusive relationship and you need some support, You can reach out to me. You can schedule a clarity call with me, which is free and it just sets us up for some time to see if we can work together. Coaching, I work with people weekly or bi weekly depending on what's best for you your needs and I understand you likely will have to talk when the other person is not around, and I could be pretty flexible with timing on that. And I'm working on a few other ways that I can support you, talk if needed and wanted, but you are not alone. I can't tell you how many people feel the way that you feel and I have been exactly where you are, which is why I get it. I get how hard it is. Thank you for listening. If you have questions, you can email me at jessica at jessica coaching dot com and you can Instagram me at jessica coaching or you can go on my website, emotional abuse coach shop.