Moon Stories
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Moon Stories
It’s okay to be high maintenance
Like many other girls, I always tried to fit into the cool girl image of not caring so much, going with the flow and not worrying about what I look like. And then I realised that all of these things do not represent me in the slightest. It does upset me if I break a nail, or if my outfit isn't coming out the way I envisioned it in my head.
And with this realisation I decided to lean into it. To begin to put as much time into myself as felt right for me and see how it made me feel. I noticed a drastic shift in my self esteem and confidence, and most importantly I feel so much more authentic within myself.
Like any change, it comes with pushback. If you change something within yourself, your external environment will always shift accordingly and for me it meant a disconnect with people around me who started to mock me or scoff at me for choices that felt better for me.
Although the conversation of wanting to look good seems shallow or superficial, for me it had an overwhelmingly big shift on my social circles as I found that the more time I invested into myself, the more firm I was on my boundaries.
I also find that the higher standard I hold myself to, the less tolerance I have for other people’s behaviour. Whereas before it was common place to make excuses for friends/family/colleagues, honouring yourself means not allowing the behaviour that isn’t in line with the newest version of you.
Hey guys. So today I want to make a confession. Actually, I'm being dramatic, it's not really a confession. However, I have recently come to the realisation that I think I am high maintenance. And why is that a big deal, you ask? Because it's shattering the illusion that I had of myself. And you're probably thinking why is this a podcast? Like, why are you talking to me about this? This is silly. But no, it's not silly and I will explain why.
Speaker 1:So for pretty much my whole life, I like didn't think I was high maintenance. I thought I was pretty like go with the flow, like chill, whatever. I am not, aside from the fact that I have like raging ADHD and need a plan for literally everything. Otherwise, I like go into like genuine executive dysfunction and complete meltdown, like I'm just not a cool girl. I'm not like a cool girl. I'm not like a mysterious cool girl, like I can't do the like chill thing, like I'm not chill and I feel like so much of. I mean specifically like I want to say 2013 to 2018, media consumption was about being the cool girl, being the chill girl that doesn't try too hard and that just like goes with the flow and just has like three wardrobe outfits and really long brown hair and like just puts up in a ponytail and just throws on her converse and just runs out the door like do you know what I mean? Like I don't know. Did anyone else grow up from Wattpad? Because I did. But even like in you know wider media, all the movies, all of the tv shows, the main character was always this kind of understated, chill girl that got all the boys and was always like chilling and like I don't know. So I feel in my head was like that's exactly what I need to be to get everyone to like me. And even though that's not who I was, that's who I thought I was, which obviously creates like a disconnect and isn't authentic in the slightest.
Speaker 1:And anyway, I went to Brazil a few months ago. Why is that relevant, you ask? Well, because I love to pack heavy when I go on holiday. Like I just really enjoy it and I also just like having options. Like it's so funny because my therapist the other day she told me I sound so valley girl when I say that. Like my therapist, like why does it sound valley girl to say I'm in therapy? How the conversation came about?
Speaker 1:But I was like I feel like people, um, take, not take the piss out of me but like think I'm high maintenance and it really makes me like. It like makes me uncomfortable and it makes me feel silly or like judged. And she was like why do you feel like that? And I was like why do you feel like that? And I was like because I really like aesthetics and fashion and makeup and like things like that. And she was like why do you feel like that makes you feel like judged. And I was like because I just feel like people think I'm being high maintenance and whatever.
Speaker 1:And I was thinking I was telling her about, like when I went on holiday and the girl I went on holiday with was very much like she just kind of chucked something on and I remember quite a few times she would like I'd put an outfit together Because that's like for me like fun, you know, putting an outfit together. And she'd literally be like rolling her eyes and scoffing at me and being like ugh, like oh, you're so high maintenance, like oh, you're so like I don't know, just kind of shitting on me for like making an effort. And I told that to my therapist and she was like so she was judging you for putting effort in on holiday. Like she was like when else are you going gonna put effort in? Like what other time is there to put effort into your outfits other than, like, your free time and your holidays? Like I don't understand, like why that like? And I was like I don't know. I just like feel uncomfortable and like there was quite a few times like I'd put on an outfit and she'd just be like you're trying so hard or like you look crazy or like, yeah, she was so kind, no, um.
Speaker 1:But since I came home from that trip I've been thinking like maybe I am a little more high maintenance than I thought and I know I sound like I'm deeping this really simple thing, but like I don't know, to me it's kind of been like a revolutionary thing for, like my self image of started to like lean into it a little more because I thought, do you know what? I'm just going to see where this takes me. So I started like putting a little more time into like self-care and like looking after myself and like not criticizing myself for wanting options or taking longer to get ready and giving myself longer to get ready, and I found it sounds silly, but like I found I get less stressed. I'm not cutting myself short. It was like I was trying to fit into this mold of like the chill girl and it doesn't work because that's not who I am. Like it doesn and that's not gonna.
Speaker 1:It sounds so stupid, but like, even incrementally, if you give yourself this image and this idea and you build things around this image, like the infrastructure, around the image of how long it takes to get ready, what your shower routine is like, the types of people you associate with, they're all factored into your image and how you present. And when I started to step into like my genuine like I was having this conversation with my friends earlier and I was talking about like we all have like a brand image and when you actually step into like your authentic brand image, you find a lot of things don't like resonate with you anymore and obviously this is a really big thing like within spirituality of like. Being authentic means that you have to lose the parts of yourself that aren't authentic and a lot of times that comes with like friends, even family members, jobs, certain lifestyle choices kind of just like don't click anymore. And I was saying to um, one of my friends earlier, because I recently like decided to remove some I say recently, it's actually kind of a long time ago but decided to remove some people from my life that were really not like benefiting me in literally any way at all and alongside sort of stepping into like a more aligned version of myself externally, because I think I don't know about anyone else that's like on the spiritual path but like I did a lot of internal work first, but they say that, don't they? So you know the backwards law like I don't know it like it comes inside before it goes outside, like everything outside of you is a projection of the inside. So if you change the inside, the outside's gonna have to change eventually.
Speaker 1:And I found that the more I've stepped into this, you know like almost like glamour, like glamorous life for myself, like, and by glamorous I don't mean going to balls and stuff like that, I just mean taking the time to oil my hair and cutting off my split ends and painting my nails and just things that make me feel good and make me feel like you know, using my water flosser. You know like it sounds silly but it makes me happy and like, and I noticed that the more of these things I started to do, the more these people. They would just mock me for it and like they would actually just shit on me and be so mean because, like I was like looking hot and like how rude, like I don't know, I don't think I've ever like looked at someone else like putting an effort and been like you're so dumb, dumbass, like what is that behavior like? That's so strange. And back to my previous point I was speaking to one of my friends this morning and I was saying like it's crazy to me how she basically brought up how like, um, she saw one of their stories and like she was like it's just that that era is crazy to me that you were ever like part of that and I was like looking at like that group of people.
Speaker 1:Now our brand image just does not align whatsoever, like we are not. And obviously you don't have to have like the same brand image to be like friends with someone, but you do have to have some kind of like alignment or some kind of connection. And it's funny because for like a really long time our like, what felt like our connection was the fact that we all smoked weed and anyone else who either has smoked weed or smokes weed and stops or even just does smoke weed, will know that a lot of friendships are forged through like smoking together. And it's so funny because I think, like when I stop smoking and when I start smoking, I spend time with, with different people like and I know that sounds obvious, but it kind of just reaffirms that like your reality is dictated by like you know what you choose to do. Because if I had never chosen to like embrace this, you know more authentic side of myself I'd probably still be putting up with their shit and, you know, dealing with their bad behavior. And it's funny because, like I know a lot of people will have probably experienced this.
Speaker 1:But it's that whole thing of like you know, when you start to outgrow things or when you start to outgrow people, they just hate on you and they hate on you and then they hate on you more and then they hate on you more, like I've had it a few times and I've spoken to you know, a lot of my other friends have had it before where they're like I'm just not getting on with this group of people or they're like you know they've been my friends for so long but they're just like not being very nice to me, or like judging my choices even though I feel like my choices are right for me. Or like, you know, if I feel like I'm honoring myself, they dislike that. And like I think, a lot of times when you grow. I was speaking to one of my friends the other day because she's going through like kind of a similar situation conversation and I basically said to her that when you grow because basically the person said to her well, you were in, you were doing the exact same things and I never said anything about it.
Speaker 1:So like why is it fair that now you're not, you can say something to me about it? And I said to her that now that you are in a better place, their bad behavior becomes way more obvious. And they can't hide behind your bad behavior because, let's be honest, we all behave badly at times, all of us, like we all do. It's just, you know, if two thieves hang out together, they're not going to see any wrong in what they're doing. But if you put a thief next to a Samaritan, they're going to feel bad about what they're doing and then blame the Samaritan and be like you're making me feel bad, you're making me feel bad, bad.
Speaker 1:Do you get like this analogy, where I'm coming from, that like the better you get, the more it highlights, you know, the lack for these people and the more that they are projecting their own hatred onto you. And you know when people's bad behavior becomes more and more apparent. It's almost like sometimes I feel like the universe, or God or spirit, or like whatever you believe in, is pushing you apart, like I find this sometimes that when I start to step into a different like path for myself, certain things that were so prevalent, just like, literally fall off the face of the earth. So like. An example of that is like these friends that I used to have. I used to bump into them all the time. We live in the same area like and when I say area I mean like village, like this is this is like. You know, there's only so many people like you bump into these people all the time. They're not into them at all anymore and it's just because they're not. We're not aligned like, we're not aligned on the same like frequency, you know, and so we just don't cross paths.
Speaker 1:But I'll give you an example of it working like the opposite way um Lewis has just moved to London and he was sat on a park bench and got chatting to this guy and now they're like really good friends, they're gonna live together and it's just kind of like string theory. Like you know, you just meet people when you're meant to meet them and you lose them when you're meant to lose them. And I feel like when you refuse to give people up sometimes is when their bad behavior gets worse, because, one, that's you showing them that you're put up with it and two, it's almost like they have they spirit or the I don't like saying the universe, because if I feel like people think that's silly but they think, okay, well, we need to do more to get you to realize that, like this isn't for you anymore, like you need to let this part of your life go like and if you're not honoring that part of like your intuition, honestly it's like an intuitive thing sometimes it will just happen for you. Like I mean, I've definitely had situations where there is no way that I would have honored my intuition.
Speaker 1:Even though I knew it wasn't right, I was far too comfortable in the position I was in and even though you know I was like doing these things for, like my personal growth, I was like no, I can still have both. I can still have both. You literally can't have both. Like you cannot have your cake and eat it. With spirituality, like just doesn't. It doesn't work that way, and I think that's like one of the harsher realities is that, like, when you grow and you like move towards who you're meant to be, you do have to go through the loss. And it's funny because, like spirituality is literally just like a cycle of like gain and lose, gain and lose, over and over again. And you're probably thinking, well, why the fuck do you want to do that? Then, like that sounds horrible. But then I think of where I was when I started out in my spiritual journey and I think, would I want to be there? And I think, no, grim, that's gross. No, I wouldn't. Like I'm glad for the things I've done, but that does come with loss, you know, and it's like hopefully, by the time I'm like 30, I'll be really comfortable with loss and like it will be like an easy process for me. But I feel like I don't know, because my main demographic is like old men for some reason. So to any other old men listening to this, please let me know in the comments if you are comfortable dealing with loss. But I just think it's really really interesting how you know you like you start.
Speaker 1:I love how like I started out talking like I'm so high maintenance. But do you understand where I'm coming from? Because I feel like me, being high maintenance was always viewed as such a negative trait and a negative thing, and the more I've realized that it's not a negative thing, it's actually, you know, that I have boundaries and high standards and I want the best for myself and I won't settle and I won't stick up for the wrong people and I assert my values when they're needed. You know, like these are all really positive traits, but I find that quite often, something that is inherently positive has a negative attribution tied to it, especially for women. You know, being high maintenance is viewed as a bad thing, but all of a sudden, everyone wants to be a high value woman. You know it's like what's this about? Like you can't be outspoken, otherwise you're bossy.
Speaker 1:You know I'm not about to like repeat Taylor Swift's little statement, but it's funny because I was thinking about this at work today while I was stacking the chairs. Um, I was thinking about how you know when people are like, oh, she loves herself so much, and I was thinking like if someone said to, when people are like, oh, she loves herself so much, and I was thinking like if someone said to me, oh, you just love yourself so much, it's like, yeah, I do, do you not love yourself that much? And it's like you cannot love yourself too much. There's a difference between loving yourself and having an ego and being arrogant. And don't get me wrong, it is a very fine line. Like it is is a fine line.
Speaker 1:However, I think loving yourself is so important and it's so funny that we use that as an insult when that should be one of the highest forms of compliment. There is like but these, you know, these old people that I used to associate with, would have definitely used that as an insult, and it just, you know, it just shows that they're not the sort of people that you know. You, not you. I don't know who. You are listening, but why would you want to be aligned with someone that tells you these things about yourself, or tells you that you look crazy when you've put an outfit together, or or if you're trying to, you know, do like something editorial, and they're like what the fuck is that Like if they don't get your vision, they should leave Low key.
Speaker 1:Like not to be rude and I don't want to sound arrogant, but if people don't understand your vision or understand what you're trying to do with your art, that's fine. Like, let them, but let them do it from far away. Don't let them do it from the comfort of your own bedroom. Like, do not let these people in. Like, they can see it, they can watch it, they can follow you, they can comment on it in their own time, but don't let them into your own space because it literally does just make you think you're doing something wrong.
Speaker 1:The amount of friends I've had that have said like they've been going through like friendship problems or relationship problems or family problems and they've been like, oh my god, I feel like I'm going crazy, like, and then they'll explain the behavior that this person's doing and I'm like are you actually like for real, like this is so obviously bad behavior, like you are so obviously being like manipulated or gaslit or whatever. And they're like oh my god, I just like no one's validated me, like everyone's just think isn't like, thinks this is like okay, and I'm like well, yeah, it's probably okay for them, but that doesn't mean that you have to part with it like let them do that to someone else, go, let them do that. Like. You know it's crazy to me, but anyway, my brain's turned off now and I hope that was okay.
Speaker 1:It was a bit of a ramble, so I do apologize, but I hope you got the main point. Basically, be high maintenance all the time if you want to, if that's what's aligning with your higher self. Thank you guys, love you guys so much. Also, I don't think I will be able to podcast much at the minute because I'm finishing uni soon and it's really intense, so I will post where I can. Literally no one cares, like I don't know why I'm like talking like I'm an influencer. But if anyone actually does care, that would make me feel really valued. But I'll speak to you guys soon. Goodbye.