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The Average Superior Podcast
This show features three nursing home attendants who have realized their brains are incomplete and their bodies are always in pain. They are peasants outside the castle walls attempting to navigate a world that feels rigged while simultaneously trying to be 1000% sure about things they know nothing about!
The Average Superior Podcast
#73 - All The Feelings with Allie
Today we had a great conversation with a return guest, Allie. We discuss how crazy our brains can get with overthinking things and talk about love languages.
We had an awesome time chatting and hope you enjoy listening!
Thanks!
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SPEAKER_00:Everyone can understand what you do. Alright? What do you do right now?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think you guys are actually quite patient waiting to talk to you. I listened to a few of your podcasts on my drive the other day. Thank you, guest Allie.
SPEAKER_04:Welcome back.
SPEAKER_01:Allie 2.0.
SPEAKER_04:Allie 2.0 is back for her second appearance on the Average Superior Podcast, episode number 75. No. No. 76? Four. Are you sure? No. I think it's 75.
SPEAKER_01:Do you want me to look?
SPEAKER_04:It doesn't matter. Let's be honest. So here we are. Long day at the nursing home today for most people involved. For the Yerba mod. But we still made it a priority to come and have a conversation with you fine folks listening.
SPEAKER_02:Hey.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, that is not good.
SPEAKER_02:Do you have an average superior t-shirt? Oh, yeah, that's a good question.
SPEAKER_01:I remember I messaged you and want what like said I wanted one, but I never actually got it.
SPEAKER_02:Okay. Okay. Well, before you leave it.
SPEAKER_01:So I'll leave here with one. Do I need to send you some money? Uh let me know how much money to send you.
SPEAKER_04:Well, funny ask$1,000. I mean, if it's just pick a number.
SPEAKER_01:Um, I also, CJ, have to make a confession to you that I wanted to do on record and own my be responsible. Uh, you know that green 25-pound weight that's broken in the gym?
SPEAKER_02:It was you. That was me.
unknown:I'm really sorry. Oof.
SPEAKER_01:I was doing power cleans and dropped it.
SPEAKER_02:Which you should be able to do with those weights. That weight was already cracked. I would say it's not your fault. No, it was because the one was broken and then the other one was broken. That like that. Yeah, I know.
SPEAKER_03:No, this is terrible. What is it?
SPEAKER_01:So sorry.
SPEAKER_04:Uh so our guest today brought us uh drinks and decided to go healthy. I didn't pick that one. We ended up with a lot of organic things and a lot of kombucha. Well, this tastes delicious. Are you kidding me? You like that? Yeah. It tastes like nothing.
SPEAKER_01:I didn't pick that one. I picked the two glass ones.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Very randomly.
SPEAKER_04:Definitely not delicious, but it's it's uh it's okay.
SPEAKER_03:Would you pay money for it? No. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's not good. It's got a high caffeine.
SPEAKER_04:Uh speaking of the gym this morning. So I was thinking about this on the drive over here. What are you thinking about? I'm I'm aging. I'm aging. We're all aging. Uh sorry, I just had to look at his calendar that he came together. He's still the same age.
SPEAKER_03:How does that happen?
SPEAKER_04:Uh so we're all aging slowly. So many boxes. A day at a time. Uh, but why is it that our perception of ourselves, like our brain, doesn't keep like it it age seems to age slower in perception wise than our body. So what I'm trying to say is, like, I think I should be able to do things as well as I did them X amount of years ago, yet I go to do them and I cannot because I have aged and I have not yes, I'm not as good as I used to be in certain things. But I feel in my head, so the white reason I bring this up is uh as you are aware, there are some brand new, very nice boxes in our nursing home gym to jump up on top of. Uh they're stackable with velcro on the sides, and so you can stack them. There's a 4, 3, 2, and a 1. So you can stack them all the way to the top. So I see those coming in the gym this morning, and I immediately in my head I'm like, I can do that. Like for the very top. Yeah. So it was 10, which is like literally to the my chin. But I'm like, you know what? I I I fully was like, I can do this. No warm-up. Uh go to do it, and I don't. Uh not really that close either.
SPEAKER_03:Well, if it's an age thing, was there a time you could do that?
SPEAKER_04:I yes. I'm I'm fairly confident that like 10 years ago I could do that. So took off the one, then I tried the two, couldn't do it. Close, though, closer though. Took off the two, put the one on top of the three, could do that one. So I'm like, okay, I still can go pretty high, but like in my head, it was like I was so sure. It wasn't even a question. And I know it's shocking to everyone listening, anyone who listens to this, that I was confident about something that I was there for wrong at later. I know that's shocking to everyone listening. Weird. But I was thinking about this from like an aging perspective and like physicality. You know what I mean? I wonder why that is. Like, why does our brain not accept that we are getting older and can't aren't as good at certain things?
SPEAKER_03:Does your does your brain accept this statement that my kid said to me a couple days ago? Hey, by the way, in under 10 years, you'll be 50 years old. Yeah, I I couldn't, I had to stop and actually do the math. I'm like, holy he's right. Yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah. And I feel like it like us at 40-ish, besides obviously the young one, us at about 40-ish, um, we aren't like what I pictured 40-year-olds when I was a kid. And I do think that has changed. Like you're a younger version of a 40-year-old than it was 40 years ago. Oh. If that made that made sense. Yeah, that was that was right. That was a sentence.
SPEAKER_04:But I I think that that's true in a lot of ways because I think again the the focus of fitness and health and all these things are a lot more in the public domain than they were back then. So I think people are thinking about it more. So I think that the age, and like everything, it's nutrition, blah, blah, blah. So sure. However, there's there's still the the problem of I can't do as well as I could do before on things. But in my head, there was like there was no, I was like, yeah, I can do that.
SPEAKER_03:Has your child beaten you at anything physical yet? No. Okay.
SPEAKER_04:And actually, we are having this conversation because I used to be a sprinter, so in my head, I'm like, I'm fast. Okay. I still think this. Yet I kind of have like I feel like if I had to go full out sprint 100 meters right now, I might tear a hamstring. Like har as hard as I can, 100 meters, might I still like I feel like I could still be fast, but I I'm kind of thinking I'm probably over-exaggerating in my head how fast I still would be. Also because I haven't trained in a long time.
SPEAKER_01:I was gonna say, if you trained for it, I think you'd be fine. What would you say is the period of your life where you were in the best shape of your life?
SPEAKER_04:That's a weird question because I honestly um well, 2016 is probably the year I'd say I was in the best shape of my life. And that's because I was training specifically for something that I wanted to be in really good shape for. That being said, um, I think like from a more rounded wellness health thing, I feel like I'm I'm good now. Like I I go ups and downs and certain things, but like I feel like I'm more rounded now than I was maybe then. But maybe I'm delusional.
SPEAKER_02:That's also an option. What would you say is the period of your life where you have been in the best shape?
SPEAKER_01:Right now, I thought so.
SPEAKER_02:I was gonna say you look like you're in the best shape right now.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, for sure. I uh I'm on the fitness and the food train at the same time. Full seam ahead. Yeah. Uh yeah, no, I'd say right now. I'm definitely I've been eight months of very consistent um and working with some coaches in and out, and I'm currently training for something coming up. That is a very big motivator as well. So nice.
SPEAKER_03:Do you find that the because you work with somebody else who's also just shedding so much weight? Does that help a lot? Yeah, like would you have a lot of people? We definitely keep each other accountable.
SPEAKER_01:That's good. I I would say I started that momentum and he's jumped on. Well, he's riding your coattails. Yeah, he's crushing it though. How crazy he is. He is he the other day we were working out together and he grabbed two hundred-pound dumbbells and like warmed up with them and was doing bench presses. And I was like, Are you fucking kidding me right now?
SPEAKER_02:What are you on?
SPEAKER_01:But he's the most humble person on the planet. So uh yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_04:He how much he lost he's lost like almost 40 pounds, I think.
SPEAKER_03:That's amazing.
SPEAKER_01:I can't remember what he was at in January. We both like started really hard together in January because I was I was like, I need to get my shit together.
SPEAKER_02:It's always fascinating when people can just find kind of grasp it out of like the ether, just motivation.
SPEAKER_01:And it's so funny because like since I've been at the nursing home and even before, so I've always like worked out and like ate properly, but I definitely went through phases of like not like COVID really COVID fucked me. But um, I've never been able to be this consistent for this long. So it's interesting that I'm like, I'm finally like I finally found my rhythm. I don't know why it took me so long, but but like there.
SPEAKER_04:So what because obviously there's just like everyone, there's days that like the the waking up and getting there in the morning is not easy. Like it's not like you're motivated in the morning, like, oh here we go, yeah, I'm excited. But like you still get there. So what what was the difference like now with the consistency versus like I don't know, four years ago, three years ago, whatever.
SPEAKER_01:Um how deep do we want to get with this conversation? So deep. Um, I it's actually interesting. I was just having this conversation with somebody the other day. Um, I back to COVID. Um, it's interesting looking at like where I'm at now compared to the COVID times, because not that COVID is like an excuse for not working out or anything like that, but um, I was one of those people that I put on so much weight during COVID. Like I was like 212 pounds was like the highest I think I saw myself on the scale. And used like I was working out, but they had the um like restrictions, so I wasn't really using our gym, and we kind of got some like home stuff and was doing um home workouts, but I like got to a point where I was like not doing well, like whatsoever, and was like super like my I didn't I had no confidence and like we weren't training at the nursing home and I wasn't eating properly, and it just like I was just like it was down here, like mental health-wise. Oh yeah, it was bad.
SPEAKER_04:So then how'd you get out of that?
SPEAKER_01:Um working out, honestly, like and just like finding like the consistency and like realizing how important it was for you to be fit, especially at the nursing home, but like finding yeah, like just realizing how important it is for the fitness and how it like translates into like your mental health. It took a while for that to click for me.
SPEAKER_04:And like mental health from like because I I mean that's that's crazy because mental health, I mean, mental health is a weird term because it encompasses so many things, but like the confidence, like it's kind of a downwards, like downhill uh slide when you start going that way because you stop working out and then you start losing confidence, then you start getting weight, so you start losing confidence, and like and it happened very slow, yeah, which was another thing because it was like it's not like I had like put on a little bit of weight, which I was kind of like whatever, and then was never really like worried about it.
SPEAKER_01:And I was I've never been one of those people that I'm like, oh my gosh, I want to be like 150 pounds. Like I've never I've never been obsessed with like looking a certain way with the nursing home. I wanted to be like I wanted to be able to perform, yeah, and just feel confident in myself out there. Um but yeah, it happened really slow. Um, and then during that I think it was right in the middle of COVID, there was like two years where people who also work in nursing homes close to our city were involved in accidents at work and and dying, and that like really fucked with my head. Interesting. Um, to the point where like I was having panic attacks at work and it sucked a lot. There was a there was a there was one I had four over two years, and my last one I was like, I there was I wasn't going back to work.
SPEAKER_05:Wow.
SPEAKER_01:And then my current position probably that I got was the only reason why I stayed.
SPEAKER_04:And then you uh but then you got back on that horse.
SPEAKER_01:And now I'm on the horse.
SPEAKER_04:On the horse.
SPEAKER_02:It's interesting how those things can manifest, you know. Your inward state manifests kind of like how you look or feel outward and stuff like that. Uh and then yeah, you like wake up one day and you're like, holy crap, like what happened?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, probably.
SPEAKER_02:I I I would say I had a similar experience in COVID, less so maybe like on the the mental aspect of it, but certainly physically. Like we're all just sitting there just eating like shit, not going out, not doing anything, and all of a sudden you're like, ooh, like this is getting away from me quickly.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and I just like I felt so like gross, like I was just like, I feel gross, and I just like want to be better. But I always like, and then I would go through like I'd be really good for a few months and then fall off, and then be really good for a few months and then fall off. I've never been this consistent for this long to the point where now it's just become such a routine, and I'm going I am confident that this is just how I'm going to be moving forward. But yeah, panic attacks also are like horrible, like so horrible.
SPEAKER_04:I don't I I've never had one, so it's I think it's hard. I think in it's hard to understand what that feels like because in because I think logically in my head, I'm like, well, just stop panicking. I know what I mean.
SPEAKER_01:And they're super, and it was it's interesting because I had uh yeah, like I said, I had like kind of four over like a two-year period, so it's not like I was having them consistently, but they were like trying to describe how you feel when you're having them is like really hard because you don't know. All you know is like you're like, I'm not okay, and it takes a really long time to come out of it. Um and it's and it's like frustrating more than anything because you're like, why is this happening? And you have absolutely no idea until I mean now looking at back on those couple years and having gone to therapy a little bit and actually like realizing what was going on, and it was uh it was more than one thing at the time, it's easy for me to be like, yeah, that's why I was having panic attacks. But in the minute or in the moment, like the first one I had was a week after um somebody in a city close to us was in an accident right in New Year's. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about? Um, and I didn't think, I think just because of like how close it was to us, um, obviously like hit me a little bit different, but I didn't think it was gonna like manifest in that kind of way. And I had this like massive panic attack at work, and I've never had one before, so I had no idea what was happening. And I called Eric.
SPEAKER_04:Like, what do you like what do you mean? Like what like what do you when you're saying because I I'm just trying to understand like what what hat was happening that you recognized like I'm I'm not good, like like heart rate and stuff.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, heart rate, and like for me, like and it's like this for everything, kind of like if I'm like super mad, if I'm upset, if I'm frustrated, if I'm if I have anxiety, like for me, it comes out in tears, like I cry. Um, but like it was different where it was like I literally had to like stop and control my breathing. Like I was like having like the typical panic attack that you see people having, like in an like in a movie. Okay. Um, and I remember like texting Eric because I was like, I don't know what's happening, but like I'm not okay, and I'm at work. Like, what the fuck am I supposed to do? And he was in Calgary, and we talked on the phone for like two hours, and it was just like, and he was amazing about it because he was like, like, walk, like, talk me through it. And I was like, I don't, I don't know how, like, I don't know why this is happening. And it hit me out of nowhere. I was I came to work, I was totally fine. And then all of a sudden, I just like felt like this big rush of like anxiety, and I pulled over and I like went and found a spot to pull over, and I hadn't signed in yet, and um, and yeah, I just like like full-blown panic attack out of nowhere, and I was like, what the fuck was that? And then the next day I just kind of was like, that was weird, and I was like, but like didn't think anything of it, and then like another one happened like six months later, and then another one happened like six months later, and each time they got worse over like that couple of years, with just like everything that was going on, and then like the last one that I had, I was like, I'm not doing this anymore.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, it's it's crazy. Like it's interesting how your something that you like, you can't put a finger on what it is that causes it. Somebody uh used an analogy about like kind of anxiety depression at work, basically stating that like the things that you deal with are like uh drops and like pebbles at a bucket kind of thing, and like you just don't you're you're calling you're walking around holding these buckets and someone throws a pebble in, it's not a big deal, I don't notice it, don't notice it, and then one day you realize this like you're you can't even lift these things, or something or one falls off the edge and you're like and you're freak out and you're like, well, that that specific thing wasn't even that big. You know what I mean? The thing that apparently caused it to overflow wasn't a big deal. Why is this a why am I having problems dealing with this? And you kind of discount the years of all the other things that kind of got thrown in that bucket. And I thought it was an amazing analogy because it's I've I in not a panic attack, but similar like kind of anxiety idea I've had a couple times where it's like I I'm like the thing that I'm dealing with is not I've dealt with worse, it's not a big deal. And then it's just like that's never the big thing. Yeah, it's weird, right? It's the small thing, so it makes it very difficult to to like assess and j and say this is the problem.
SPEAKER_02:I uh it's it's interesting. I don't know. Would you have talked about it at the time as openly, or did it take you some time to be like, hey, this is what was happening?
SPEAKER_01:Um I had like my people that I talked to. I wasn't like a huge I'm such an open person that I wouldn't if somebody had asked me, um, I would have been open to talking about it. But it took me a while to figure out what was going on. Like at the time I knew I was having a panic attack and dealing with some stuff, but it wasn't like I didn't know why and all of that kind of stuff. I had a supervisor at the time who was amazing, who um after this like the second one, um, I went to him and told him what was going on. So I was like, I need somebody here to know what's going on in case I need to like go home or whatever. And I always, and like in hindsight, I probably should have just went home, but I always like I would have my my moment, um, I would deal with it, and then I would stay because I didn't want the panic attack to win, and I would like force myself to finish my shift. And in hindsight, now I'm like, I should have just went, but I was scared that if I went home after having one, that I wouldn't come to work the next day.
SPEAKER_04:Um I was actually like proud of myself for the way I dealt with it, but yeah, they that's interesting, and I and I and I appreciate that like uh that thought process because I I I there's like that weird line between like resilience and but also like so trying to push through something that's difficult versus realizing that this is maybe something I shouldn't push through. Yeah, and I think it's difficult to to figure out which is which.
SPEAKER_01:And that was the biggest thing is to like because I would always call or text Eric when it was happening, and he was like, But can you do your job? And I was like, Yes. Like if it ever got to the point where I couldn't, I would have gone home. Right.
SPEAKER_02:But yeah, that's interesting. I think sometimes too, it's I have always thought of myself, I've never had to take advantage of it, but I've always thought of that thing, you know, where you're like, Okay, like I need to take some time off of work. And even today, you'd be like, and I guess you could probably speak to this a little bit, but even today I'd be like, Man, like just I don't I I don't like the like the buzzwords, like oh the stigma of it, right? But if it in the back of your head it's it just kind of weighs on you a little bit being like well, but it's still little bit there.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And it's like and looking back, like I hate the fact. I wouldn't I don't even know if I would say I was embarrassed about it. There's like but that's just it, right? Like there's like a stigma behind it. And like as open as I am about it, like I I don't care that if people knew, but there are a lot of old timers that are work where that is still I think seen as like a weakness, especially in our career. And it weighed on me too that like being a female, like I didn't want to be seen as this like weak girl at work that's like crying in her car um when there's already some stigma there with that. So that weighed on me too and that was definitely a factor on not going off work. But I think if I didn't get the position that I'm in now, I probably would have given myself bad.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah and I I I think the option is maybe like ride some waves now versus just I mean the old dimers potentially bury that shit all under underneath and then you retire and your life just like knows jammers.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah exactly and it was hard too because like I we obviously all all have our moments with our career but like I I've always been very passionate about our work. Like I love our work and I'm very proud of the scrubs that we wear. So that was hard too because there was like moments where I it was almost like heartbreaking to think that I was potentially looking at leaving a career that I really love and like to do.
SPEAKER_02:Makes me think I'm not really good at this. I wish I was more like generally conscious of it is in our day to day we interact with people, you talk to them and it's just kind of you just assume they are like everything's normal right everybody underneath has something going on. Oh yeah right and it's very rare that like at least for me it's very rare that I'm like okay it's probably not me. Yeah right you know like what do they have going on that we don't know about it's something.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah everybody has something right well and it's funny because like when I got so when I got the position that I'm in um obviously they talk to your team and like your supervisors and stuff and I I was showing up for work and I was I was doing my job and I wasn't like slacking by any means but I was off for like mentally like I was just you could tell there was some days where people like are you good and I'm like yeah I'm good and I would just kind of like hide and go do my thing and not be seen for the day. But when I got the position that I got my supervisor at the time was like hey like not that you had bad references coming up here but it seems like you were like a little checked out and I was like I was and we had a closed door conversation and I told them all of this and they were like yeah no shit you were checked out and I was like yeah and like and I would have told somebody and I had a supervisor that knew but I'm like the majority of the people that I worked at the at the time had no idea.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah and it's tough like do I tell them do I want to tell them I I I did it at any point did it run through your head too like you get worried about the validity or authenticity of what you're saying because in my head I've always think like oh if I say like something's going on I always wonder if the person's gonna be like well is it really going on though are you just saying that because you don't want to do this you don't want to be here you don't like it's using it almost like an excuse or an out I think if I was like not coming into work maybe but yeah because you're still showing up every day.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah and like and I was happy to but then it but that was the other thing is it got to the point where I was like anxious about being anxious. Like I'd come in for a shift and be like fuck am I gonna have a panic attack today even though I was only I was having them so far apart like that was another thing that I was constantly near the end when I was having them a little bit more I was like I'm like okay am I gonna be anxious about fucking having a panic attack today that's crazy fine being scared about being scared.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah yeah it's exhausting cycle yeah so yeah that's a zero sum game there is no winning that no that the what the four agreement book like that whole like it's not it's not don't take anything personally basically and that's that's basically what it's out like you you can't like be worried about what people you think people are thinking or how they're responding to you because it's not about you how they're responding to you because like you said everyone's got their own things going on that you know nothing about and it's really hard to keep that in your head throughout the day it just is like because everyone's in their own little head and everything's about them because that's how we work. So when someone like reacts to you really like angrily or something and maybe that that's just about them right?
SPEAKER_02:Well of course it is just about them. Yeah I guess at the end of the day it's just hard to remind yourself of that.
SPEAKER_04:And like personally then you have to like because you know okay that was weird they reacted that way so you have to do it try try to good do a good job of like not portraying your anger about something else to and unfortunately kids take a brunt of that right like when you have a like a really crappy day at work or something and you come home and everything's messy and you're gonna like lose it. And it's like it's not about that it might be a bit about like hey I've told you this before but like the emotion coming at that is like just an amalgamation of all the things that you dealt with through the day and whatever and then all of a sudden it's like out here and they take a brunt of it or your wife or whatever which I think is why there's a lot of potential relationship issues with people in our job.
SPEAKER_02:Totally I wonder if it would be easier I think it would be easier it'd be tough but it'd be easier if everybody was just like very like unashamedly honest about like this is all the shit that's on my mind right now. Like I got a little bit room for you but here's all the other shit I got going on.
SPEAKER_04:So I was like I like that idea but at the same time then I think we're again is we're almost like victimhood cult and it depends on how it's portrayed right yeah because if it's like well poor me I'm thinking about this thing or poor me I'm dealing with this do you know what I mean like I think that that's a slippery slope as well because I think we're all responsible for dealing with our own stuff until we can't like until we need to get that maybe external help but like in some ways I like I I agree with you like it's like well at least you would know okay well she's dealing with this and he's dealing with that and okay I can maybe have some empathy towards that like there's that side of it but then the other side of it is like now everyone's just competing for who the victimhood Olympics and I'm dealing with more things than you're dealing with so I should be more upset than you're upset with I just feel like because of human nature it'd be it would get even worse.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah Simon Sinek actually I listened to a podcast with him to a podcast with him the other week and he kind of talked a little bit about that like he's writing a book about just how to have friends yeah which we all suck at I think a little bit generally and he was basically like saying like you can have friends and part of your job as the friend is not maybe wallowing in the mud with them or you can wallow in the mud with them but not doing just that right like uh like you could come to me and be like hey dude I got this going on like and you can be like oh that's really shitty and then you could be like well how what's how are you and be like I'm I'm great. Right. Right and you can you should be like you should feel okay doing that also was one of the things he was talking about which is super hard right because it does become this victimhood thing where it's like yeah like uh my you know my dog died and I'm struggling to pay bills or what you know that it's raining for the last three weeks. You can be like yeah like my life sucks too but maybe it doesn't right uh I think that's I think that's hard. We struggle to relate to each other in that way sometimes.
SPEAKER_04:I think that I agree but I think that I I appreciate uh the friends that we have where we can someone feels open enough to say hey um I'm not doing good whatever in whatever way like my wife and I are fighting or um uh you've got like I'm struggling financially or even though they know that the other people might not have that same issue. Do you know what I mean? I think it'd be easier if like we all knew that we all have the same issues and we're all going home at night and we're struggling with the same thing it'd be super easy to say hey dude yeah I'm dealing with that again like yeah man me too but when you have friends who are like have different variations of different of um struggles in their lives or different you know whatever levels that I I think that it's a healthy when you're like you said it's healthy when your friend can come to you and be like and they know that you this isn't the issue for you but feel open enough to say hey I I'm this we're right now this is what we're struggling I'm having relationship issues or I'm I want to murder my children because they're driving me crazy how do you do it? Or something you know what I mean like I find that that's a good friendship I think because then there's gonna be a point in time when they are struggling with something that they know maybe you aren't do you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah I the way I think about it it's it's easy when your friends are in the room. Right. Right. Because you can be like hey they care enough about me to be like hey like I don't know empathy or whatever the the the thing is but for example you go to work your dog just died and you're just feeling like 10 out of 10 shit. What I'm not gonna do or what I wouldn't have done like I walk into the office with people that are like colleagues some friends some colleagues right there's a line there and be like hey everyone my dog died I'm feeling like shit not really feeling good today and then expect them to what have some empathy or yeah again that's weird right so it's it's tough. It's tough to strike the balance there. Like I don't know what the I'd probably get it wrong most times but I don't know what the answer is. I I don't think that's the answer for sure. I definitely think that's that'd be odd.
SPEAKER_04:Can't do that people be empathyed out.
SPEAKER_03:Well I know and some people and some people I think because they actually will be empatied out because some people actually do care. Not the colleagues.
SPEAKER_02:But or you get the colleague that doesn't care and then you're like you take that personally right hey my my dog died I'm feeling shitty well dogs are fucking stupid I don't even like dogs. Like why do you care dude? Like just put put the thing down to say that right no the somebody would for sure somebody would say that. Well you like think I'm sure you could pick out a colleague that's like uh we'd all pick the same colleague. Yeah that just wouldn't I don't know maybe you could pick a colleague that'd be like well I don't like dogs I don't give a shit dude like suck it up.
SPEAKER_04:Maybe not quite like that but on the other end of the spectrum though um I had this happen to me uh I was walking into work one morning and I was just tired I had a crappy sleep or something and I walk I was walking in somebody was leaving and she says to me she's like hey how how are you doing and I was like fine I was just like I was like fine and I was just like I was just tired like she was like are you sure? No and so she left and I and I and I went to the gym and because that's where I was going and I'm in the gym and I get a text about 35 40 minutes later and she was going home from night shift I get a text like 45 minutes later hey this is so and so listen I I know this is weird but like I just wanted to make sure that you're okay because like the way you said that this morning I actually I was quite concerned like are you actually okay and I was like oh I appreciate that no I was just super tired and didn't really want to be here this morning but I but I made it that sounds like a female thing we would do that and it's somebody and she and like this person is like I I would say we're not like friends like I like her it's fine like we don't talk but like again that's somebody who genuinely genuinely cares right and I appreciated it.
SPEAKER_03:Um so it's it's funny because you have two ends of spectrum where some people wouldn't they wouldn't care that you'd be like yeah whatever we can share that name after because I had the same thing with a female at the nursing home and I bet it was the same one probably was totally saved me.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah big time big time empath.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah yeah yeah yeah she is um anyway uh yeah it's interesting how everyone kind of deals with the things there there there was a strategy that I developed a long time ago to deal with some of that stuff and I found that it's the worst thing to possibly do after five years of doing it in the other building at the nursing home um and I heard about that podcast with Joe Rogan and that cop from like New York or something like that Mike Dowd. Oh yeah uh he he said are you sure it was Mike Dowd the one that ended up in jail?
SPEAKER_04:It was the younger cop who I feel like the one who quit because Mike Dowd I think is isn't Mike Dowd the one that like oh that's the one they removed and stuff like that. He was like corrupt in New York.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah it was uh it was the one who was not corrupt. I know what you're talking about yeah but he just pictured everyone as if they're in a movie. So if you came in and you you you had something going on I would just pretend you're a character or an actor in a movie and that would detach all emotion from it and I did that for a couple years at that other job and uh it turned out that leaked into all of my personal relationships and I'm still kind of coming back and I didn't realize until my exit interview at the nursing home when the the therapist said no that's what psychopaths do. You shouldn't do that at all after doing it for five years with all the people that we would deal with.
SPEAKER_04:What do you mean so so essentially like like they're NPCs like yeah they're NPCs.
SPEAKER_03:You're essentially they're going through like we deal with at the nursing home with traumatic people going through traumatic experiences. I'm like okay cool you've had this happen to you but I don't attach an emotion to it I just view them as a as if they're almost in a movie and you're just this person in that movie with them and they're all kind of actors on a stage. That way there's no emotion attached to the trauma they're feeling and then there's no emotion that I have to get as like an empathetic person. Oh yeah that doesn't sound good yeah it was I thought it was a good strategy and this is well before all this uh the health stuff and the health I am and all that all this stuff came into the uh nursing home.
SPEAKER_01:And then you're like doing that at home?
SPEAKER_03:Is that where you it it leached into some personal relationships and uh then I got home one day and some Lego was on the ground and I had uh my own panic attack. So exactly what you said. Yeah. Yeah so then I yeah then I found out that was not the best strategy to cope with some other people's trauma.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:I I don't even know if I could do I don't even know I could I could do that because I'll watch like a Disney movie and I'll cry.
SPEAKER_02:So I attach emotion to Disney characters and I Man I'm so uncomfortable when other people feel emotions though. Are you yeah I am and I I I feel lots of emotions other than that like in any emotion? Like in front of you? Yeah like like like emotions outside of the norm.
SPEAKER_04:Okay so I no I I think it's even emo normal emotions I I've noticed that you might have this feeling like if I we we sit here and we start talking about something that I get emotional about you I you don't know what to do with yourself.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah I could I there's a degree you're kind of like he just like gets like starts crossing crossing his arms and like shifting a lot okay yes let's let's dive into this yes yes that's that's actually probably quite accurate and I it's not because I don't care no I don't know why it makes me feel uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_04:I think it's because you don't know what to do. Yeah like you feel like you should do something maybe to help I may I maybe I'm put maybe I'm this is not true. Who hurt you? Yeah it's lots of people but but my guess is it's because you you feel like you want you you want to help that potentially or I don't know and it's but you have not no avenue to do it.
SPEAKER_01:I feel like it's a problem you don't know how to solve it I think that maybe is it just because like so if somebody came up to you and was like hey or if you were like what's going on you're like my dog died yesterday and they started having like it started crying in front of you is it because you like you you don't know how to be like I don't know. Like you're like do I yeah you're like do I hug them? Do I not? Because I'm the same way when it comes to being like physical like with other people like I'm not a hugger. So if somebody came up to me was like super upset like I have a hard time being like should I go in? Do I hug? I don't know do you want to pat on the back?
SPEAKER_02:That's awkward like I could see how it's weird and it's some of it is like well all of it is my personal flaws. The way I can illustrate this is when I so when I my with my dog died one of the girls we work with in nursing home who is an awesome person she's like hey are you okay and I was like no I'm not okay and she gave me a hug and then I started to cry and I was like is this the same I don't know what to do right now. And like this the problem is because like even at time I was like like this means a lot to me. I just don't know how to say like that meant a lot to me without then getting like red in the face and really awkward.
SPEAKER_04:You should have just got weird you should have got weird with it. No you should have got weird with it and like hugged her closer and tighter and just like just not let go crying on her shoulder so it's just like stopping wet.
SPEAKER_02:But like so for example at nursing at the nursing home with people that I don't have a personal relationship with clients, patients. Yeah. Yeah. I feel nothing no I can just I feel like that's normal.
SPEAKER_01:Or maybe it's not normal but I feel like we're all I have a very muted emotional response to it.
SPEAKER_03:To some extent there'll there'll be there'll be some that hit you completely right to the mid like right to the core. 100% depending on what they've yeah but like the and that's and then that that person is the sim similar with all of us or whatever, right? But yeah.
SPEAKER_02:But like if you just started balling right now I would I would you'd be very uncomfortable I think we all would be right now because uh but it'd be interesting because like I think the right thing to do would just to be to like well I know the right thing to do would just be like hey like let's just experience this emotion together. Yeah but then I'd be like what do I do with my hands do I do that's fair I think that's fair.
SPEAKER_04:I yeah I'm uh I'm the opposite I am a toucher I am a hugger I like physical contact not in a weird way uh so like for me I feel the need to like want to like are you okay like touch like like in like on your shoulder or give you a hug but then that you like but is it the right thing to do is it is it are are they a touchy person too that's the problem right like you you don't know and so I I feel awkward like not doing something about it. Like physically like not being like how can I how let me hold you like I know that's weird but um and so when you say it like that it is yeah it is weird.
SPEAKER_03:In fact especially when I say it let me hold you let me say sing a sweet sweet song in their ear have you ever got like a like a just an in not appropriate hug from somebody like that like it's just like have I ever given somebody it yeah like if you hug somebody like that was a mistake maybe it wasn't well placed maybe I shouldn't have done that it was a few seconds too long. Yeah something like that.
SPEAKER_04:Not that I can think of has it happened to you I I mean I think everyone's had an awkward hug before where it's like somebody you don't know too well.
SPEAKER_01:And like yeah I'm a hugger but like I'd like to know you maybe first before you there's somebody at the nursing home very high up who likes to hug and I hate it. They are stresses me out.
SPEAKER_02:Oh yes how do you feel about handshakes? Or like what handshakes you know like the like what are you awkward like I wish we had video smack are you smack and it's called dapping up.
SPEAKER_04:No like see I'll dap you up right now here like put your hand up to shake my hand and be like yeah like uh yeah it's like you you're gonna you don't know if they're gonna fist bump so you go for the handshake and then they go for the fist bump.
SPEAKER_01:No like an actual like I think you're talking about like a coordinated like this is what we do when we see each other.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah but like you would be like hey I'm gonna like put my hand on a secret handshake that stresses me out so much and like what are they gonna do?
SPEAKER_03:You just gotta transfer it into the handshake hug. So when they do that you do the hand and you just throw the one arm around them and just give them the tap that that's what that's yeah but what happens if you do like the what if you just laugh you just gotta laugh it off. Oh no you no if you're like your nose is touch by accident and you get too close. If you handshake hug that make outtier that it stops. What if I want to do like you cannot do another handshake after handshake hug. I feel like you're a psychopath.
SPEAKER_04:I hate when you go for the handshake and you don't get a good grip initially and they just squeeze anyway.
SPEAKER_03:What if you end up like this with your hand on top but I hate when like you their hand is like sweating like a like a Disney princess handshake like that kind of a thing where your hands on top like this.
SPEAKER_04:Oh my god I hate when it's your hand that doesn't end in the good position because you feel weak.
SPEAKER_03:Because like your fingers all squish like this.
SPEAKER_04:And you just feel like hey can we do like I didn't get a good grip. Can we redo that we redo that's my grip here because we didn't do it hard good that's what you do.
SPEAKER_03:I I straight up do I do that every time like oh that wasn't a good one let's do that again.
SPEAKER_02:I I have I had one of those actually I probably think I've had more than one at a nursing home when I was buying medication I'm leaving now it's just like it's like a you know I like it's human like I wish just as human beings we could be like it'd be easier just to be like hey do you want a fist bump today?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. What should we do today?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah what do we on the same page but like or you just come from like far away with like either an open hand yeah really telegraphing it like an open hand from like a block away or like the fist bump from a block away. Really telegraph it yeah it's part of the it's like when you were walking towards somebody and you're both kind of looking at each other but you know what what somebody's gonna have to go right or left. If you're looking at each other you will run into you'll be that awkward like oh sorry yeah sorry left right but then if you if you don't look at them and you kind Just do one of these to the side, yeah. You never you never have that issue.
SPEAKER_03:But you go right.
SPEAKER_04:Uh it doesn't matter. Everyone goes, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:No, it you just you just lean.
SPEAKER_04:It it does not matter. Uh if you are looking at the person in the eyes, you will always end up in that awkward, like, oh shoot, uh, sorry, wrong side. And then if but if you're not, you won't you you just like look off to the side, you're good to go.
SPEAKER_03:Looks like I got some experimenting to do tomorrow.
SPEAKER_02:I promise. You know the hallway around from the trauma team that like the big long hallway. Yeah. You know when you see somebody at the other end of the hallway and you're not really like bros?
SPEAKER_03:I uh yeah, you're kind of like you just stare at the floor and you're really walking towards each other. There's like 30 seconds of like two people in a hallway before you get close enough to say hi.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, I hate that. Man, social awkwardness is so fucking weird.
SPEAKER_03:But it's it's kind of I don't know why I get a slight enjoyment out of it. I'm kind of an energy vampire. I get a slight enjoyment out of the awkwardness in that.
SPEAKER_02:And it's it I am like the thing that's getting the blood sucked out of me because I'm like, I'm making this awkward.
SPEAKER_04:Well, and you don't know like because you say hi right when you see them, now you have to walk like for 30 seconds and like stare at each other, and you've already said hi, and you don't really want to talk to them, so you're just kind of like looking at each other as you walk past each other.
SPEAKER_01:No, you know what's worse is when you guys are walking in the same direction and you don't have anything to say to each other.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, I got one worse when you say goodbye, and then all of a sudden it turns they forgot something, or they turn, and then you have to walk with them after saying goodbye, and you're like, Well, this is I just said goodbye.
SPEAKER_01:I always just pretend to be on my phone. Like I said goodbye when I panic, I'm like, oh, I just pretend to be on my phone.
SPEAKER_03:Or just you do like the swipes, like it's not even unlocked, you're just swiping your screen, just trying to look busy.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, it's uh that's why phones are good in this case. We complain about them a lot, but in this case, it's like you you say hi and then you grab your phone quickly and just pretend to be doing something on it for the whole rest of the hallway. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I I I don't know what it is, and just like I love the nursing home because everybody's like everyone's weird. Everyone's got their three. There are some quirky people in the nursing home. Everyone's no normal perks. Yeah, okay, that's cool. But everyone is weird. And I enjoy everyone's weirdness when it comes to that. Because these situations bring it out, like the hallway meetups and stuff, it's just the best.
SPEAKER_02:But if you just if if we could just like label it at the time, like if I see somebody 30 feet away and be like, hey, I'm gonna stare at you for the next 30 seconds, it's gonna be weird. But the You should do that.
SPEAKER_03:Here's the question It's a giant pet peeve of mine, and I make it extremely awkward if it happens. With like let's let's say that hallway situation happens, and and you and somebody else are walking towards each other, and there is no acknowledgement that of your existence as you walk by them.
SPEAKER_02:Uh depending on who it is, I just don't care, or I'll be like, hey, thank you.
SPEAKER_01:Thank you, because that's what I do. You don't know which version you're gonna get when you pass them.
SPEAKER_03:If they don't, sometimes I do this, like a really exaggerated wave as well, to be like, hey, we're people, just say hi. Like, I don't know.
SPEAKER_04:I just I I think you I think it you have to do an obligatory hi.
SPEAKER_03:Doesn't matter if it's yeah, just the standard adult hey, just like hey, how's it?
SPEAKER_04:The problem is it's usually hey, how's it going? And then like, good.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, but and do they stop? No, they stop and you just keep walking. Yeah, I think we've talked about this on this podcast. The question of like, how are you? I know I shouldn't you shouldn't shoot in it.
SPEAKER_01:Like, I if unless I care, like I think it's just like a Canadian polite thing. Yeah, but like you don't you don't actually even care. You just it just automatically comes out. How are you?
SPEAKER_02:All right, didn't need why do we do that? I think to avoid that all words. I think it's just yeah, it's just a habit. Is there a different word you could be there a different thing you could do is like your hair looks good today?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, just you should do that. You should compliment from now on. Yeah, hi, your pants look nice. Yeah, you look really nice.
SPEAKER_01:I said that to somebody at work today, they were wearing awesome pants.
SPEAKER_04:Okay. Hi, your shirt looks really good today.
SPEAKER_03:Actually, somebody did that too in our area did that to me the other day about my a t-shirt I was wearing, and I was like, I made me feel really good about that.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, somebody in your area was rocking some sweet pants today, and I commented on them.
SPEAKER_02:We don't compliment people enough, each other. I was gonna say, that's maybe that's a new thing. Hi, your hair looks real.
SPEAKER_03:Maybe that could be our next 30-day thing. Just to give out compliments every day? Yeah, but like just let's cap it off here. We're not gonna be Mr. Happy the whole time.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, like they have to be authentic. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I'd say five a day.
SPEAKER_02:No, I don't want to do that.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, well okay. So CJ, I have a question then. Um, so you aren't affectionate or physical touch is not your thing with other people, but what would you say your like love language is then? Like, are you affectionate with your wife? Or is that not your love language either either?
SPEAKER_02:We have very opposing love languages, and I think most relationships. My love language, the way I give love is acts of service.
SPEAKER_01:I'm the same way. Yeah. Whereas my husband is extremely, he's like you, very physical.
SPEAKER_04:I think Eric and I should maybe be together.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think you guys would be a great couple. All right.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Uh yeah, uh acts of service, quality time a little bit. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, let me ask you this then, because this is actually because you I think you and uh Eric are very similar to my wife and me. She is not a physical touch person, that's not a love language. She knows it's mine. She knows here's the thing. She knows it's mine, yet it's does not is I so I don't know how to explain how crazy I'm in my head sometimes about this. Like then he's he's probably the same way. If if we go a period of time, I'm not talking about sex necessarily, but I'm talking we're going a period of time where like she we're sitting in like a couch and she doesn't like just put her hand on my my leg. Or like just or like make an attempt to sit near me or I don't know what. I'll get in my head real quick about like she doesn't even care. She just she mustn't she must hate me. Yeah. What's going on?
SPEAKER_03:Um and you get a small amount of not resentment, but a little bit of anger, like, come on.
SPEAKER_04:Like, or do you worry? I feel like you worry. I don't worry. I don't I don't worry. No, I don't I don't think it's a worry. I think it's like I think I I I think it's it goes it's it's it's this monologue that happens in my head that I know she is not aware of because in her head there wasn't like a oh I'm not gonna go I'm not gonna go touch him. You know what I mean? Like in but in my head, that's what's happening. In my head, it's like this like she's deliberately like do you think she's mad at you? Maybe yeah, does she I guess I can't even explain to you how insane I can get in my head at this stuff. That's it. And and like we've had conversations where I'm like, you don't understand. Like I like I need you to put come over here and put your hand on my lips.
SPEAKER_03:That's not insane. That's I do the same thing. But but here's the problem unless you and me are insane, but I do the same thing.
SPEAKER_04:Sure, and I I appreciate that. But it's like I as a and here's here's the problem in that relationship, as a dude, as a man, that's a difficult thing to say. I just don't know why it is, but like it's not a masculine thing to say that I need physical touch.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, I think there's anything wrong with that.
SPEAKER_04:I say it all.
SPEAKER_01:I don't know what to tell you, but I feel like it feels I actually think that men are more like that than women are.
SPEAKER_04:I actually saw there was You guys are like cuddle bears.
SPEAKER_03:I think you and you're completely normal. You are and that is a normal thing.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think it's fine.
SPEAKER_04:Uh I saw a stat and I sent it to my wife.
SPEAKER_03:Except for CJ, because he's crazy, I guess.
SPEAKER_04:Uh 82% of men say physical affection from their partner is the only thing that helps them manage stress and feel happy. Wow. And I sent that to my wife.
SPEAKER_01:Because he is definitely the like touchy one. And I like to receive it. Like I'm happy if he's like rubbing my feet on the couch, but I don't reciprocate as much as I'm just.
SPEAKER_03:Exactly, right? Just physical touch. For sure.
SPEAKER_04:And and like what I wonder is I've also seen that like the so he's he's touching you because he's projecting, I want this. Yeah. And I'm the same way. Like, I very much like when we're driving, like I'll put my hand over and put my hand on her leg. Yeah. Um, and but in my head, I'm like, can you just stick my hand on like my shoulder or something?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, like you're driving and doing other things. Well, she's not driving, she could do that. But do you tell her when we tell her?
SPEAKER_04:So here's the thing that conversation has happened.
SPEAKER_01:I feel like, like, yes, you're right. I feel like me and Eric are exactly the same. I think I might be a little bit more affectionate than Shannon. Okay, but um, yes, I've damn now I feel like I need to go home and be like, are we okay? Do you need me to touch you more?
SPEAKER_04:So that's exactly the thing. And so we've literally had the conversation where, well, we went through the phase that at the nurse come there with a bunch of people getting divorced, right? And so I was like, and there's people who were like, people who were like didn't really see it coming necessarily. And so I after that period of time, I went back a couple of times. I was like, hey, are we okay? We're good, right?
SPEAKER_03:Like, is this why you started going to the gym a lot?
SPEAKER_04:No. Okay. Um, but I just find it very interesting. So, anyway, back to like uh because he's actually the one who's doing the touching, and and for he's so I wonder if for you, if active service is the way that you kind of try to show your love, do you actually also like active service as your love language? Exactly. So it tends to be that the thing that you're doing to try to show your love um is the thing that you actually want. Yeah, and the problem it is, but the problem is when that that thing isn't the thing that your partner needs to feel love, right? And that's the hard part. So when you're opposite, uh luckily my wife says hers is act of service, and I'm I do lots of stuff on the house, so I'm good.
SPEAKER_01:But but mine is also acts of service, right?
SPEAKER_04:But for me, that means nothing to me. Nothing to me. Don't care.
SPEAKER_01:Like maybe if you came home to like a dumpster fire of a house, uh no, it'd be not a dumpster fire.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, yeah, but it wouldn't, it's not it wouldn't be like she doesn't love me. You'd just be like, oh, she must have been busy. Yeah, I'm but like that. I'm dead serious. It gets to the point where like if it's just like it's like I I get so in my head about this, like sometimes, and and it then all of a sudden it'll be there'll be a good I'll I'll say like hey, I actually want to I don't know, I don't know what to tell you, but then it'll like it'll be like okay, we're good. Like I know we're good. Yeah, and like logically I know we're fine, but then like there'll be periods of time where it'll better be like a week where I'm just like and I'm just like my wife hasn't touched me really.
SPEAKER_03:I feel less crazy now. This is good. Yeah. My wife is we've developed this, uh, and I hate the saying so much, but touched out is a saying. So like if she has a day with the kids, the kids are all over her, they're climbing on her. Like the kids are still relatively young, the five year old stuff. So I'll get home and uh I'll be overstimulated. Yeah, she's I I don't I don't like her saying that in front of the kids because I don't want them with that terminology. I just hate overstimulated. I feel like overstimulated take away resiliency. But anyway, um she'll be like, I'm like, you good? She's like, Yeah, touched out tonight. And then then I know. So we've developed that, and if she's and then we're just like, hey, you want to go and do tonight, something else, I'm then I'll be like, same couch, separate couch. And she'd be like, separate, separate couch tonight. I'm like, cool. I feel like you and your wife have such good communication. I agree. Sometimes you drive me crazy because you but but because I go crazy and I've told her and I the conversation was exactly that what you just said for the last minute, I've told her that. Yeah. She's like, Oh, I didn't know this was actually a big deal. I'm like, yeah, it sucks. It's it's weird how much of a deal. You come home, nothing's been done, she hasn't done anything for you in a long time. Not that that ever happens, but if it did, would you feel less love? Because I'm on the physical touch side with JB.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, it's probably not a great way to receive love. It's a good way to give love, I think. Like I'm really good at showing people I care about them by doing things for them, I think. But like, yeah, you come home and the kitchen's a fucking dumpster fire and you're like, oh, she doesn't love me. Which is not the case.
SPEAKER_03:You get that feeling though, a little bit, right?
SPEAKER_01:I feel like access service gets hard too, though, because it's like I'm I I have to have like a clean kitchen before I go to bed. Um, because I'm the first one up in the morning, I'm up super early, and if I come downstairs and the kitchen's a disaster, it just infuriates me. But I it's like hard because it's like that's just how I like my space. So it's like that's just how I am. But if Eric like goes and like mows the lawn while I'm at work and like does like the trash and all that, I'm super grateful of it. But it's it's more of just like uh, yeah, we're like keeping our house clean.
SPEAKER_02:We're the same way. The kitchen is my like thing. Oh the kitchen, if the kitchen is clean, I'm like everything is good in the world.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, I'm the same way. I'm the same way. And my I love him so much, but he really struggles with it sometimes.
SPEAKER_03:But but for you guys and for me, not so much for you, but the kitchen is is oh, actually for you too. It's all open concept, so you see it constantly. So if there's a sink full additions, it just takes you away out of the enjoyment of a moment a little bit because I'm really glad we're talking about this.
SPEAKER_02:The number one thing that has caused arguments in my marriage in the last couple years is the fucking kitchen. Really? Yes, because and I I mean I think I need to when we're done this, I just need to go upstairs and be like, just just so you know, this is like this is the only thing that matters to me. When I come home from work and the kitchen's a shit show, yeah, I know it's not it's nobody's fault, and like children are just crazy and dinner and it I get it. It's a me problem. And I'm just like, I come home and I'm like, oh the kitchen. But that's the standard thing.
SPEAKER_03:It was for me uh previous to the nursing home when I work with Matt. I would get home and I would send him a picture of the kitchen, and he would send me a picture of his, and they were dumpster fires because kids that age, they're gonna they're gonna be kids. And so that helped knowing that everyone's kitchen is their point of like frustration.
SPEAKER_02:But this is the personal flaw that comes into it, or the personal thing, right? Like, is I know that in the grand scheme of life, not a big deal. For some reason, my like general state of calm is directly correlated with the cleanliness of my sink and countertop.
SPEAKER_03:If nothing's on the countertop, you feel good. Like getting it. Yeah, yeah. That's that's what I like.
SPEAKER_02:You've seen my house right now. Nothing else. Everything else is a fucking mess. Yeah. It's just the kids' toys, whatever. Is this house a mess? Is this house a mess?
SPEAKER_03:It's not, right? Okay, all right.
SPEAKER_04:Uh sorry. But so but so just quickly about acts of service. So the thing with active service that I find interesting is like it's not just like general acts of service, it has to be like the act of service that means something to you. That's that's the hard part, right? So that's the I think that's the hard part about communication from for you guys, and maybe I should talk to my wife when I get home too. Uh, like from an act of service perspective, it's not just like generally I I I did something, I did this, and I did this, but that's like that wasn't the thing that mattered.
SPEAKER_02:Do you know what I mean? It's like the thing that you know causes you stress, or the thing that you know matters to you for whatever reason affects your the kitchen. Because I get up in the morning too, and if there's dishes in the sink, I'm like, this morning.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, my day is ruined. It's ruined, it's ruined. My day is ruined, yeah. And I the older I get, the worse I'm getting. And I like if we have company over, um, or not even company, if we just have like the kids. I can't if we like make dinner and then sit down and eat and like go to sit and watch a movie. Most people can like sit and watch a movie and then just like all do the dishes later. I can't relax until the kitchen is clean. Yeah, I'm the same. And I feel bad sometimes because it's like I don't expect their le like I don't expect them to be on the same level as me, but they'll like put this like cup down and I know that they're done with it, and I'll immediately grab it and put it in the dishwasher. And then he's like, I was gonna do it, and I'm like, I know.
SPEAKER_04:But you didn't.
SPEAKER_01:But I'm gonna do it.
SPEAKER_03:How much of a nice feeling is it though to sit down to a clean area and just enjoy yourself?
SPEAKER_01:But the problem is I can't relax until it's clean. So it's like I'll literally we'll be like, we'll make dinner, and if it's just the two of us at home, we'll like make dinner, we'll sit on the couch, we'll be watching our show, and I'll like literally as soon as I'm if we're done eating, I'll like pause the episode and take all of our dishes and go put them in the dishwasher.
SPEAKER_04:And I'm like, Yeah, that's I don't think that's a bad I don't think that's bad. I I don't think that's not bad. It's funny because I I'm not that's not like important to me super well. I it's not important to me, but I clean as I cook. So like like I but if I'm if I'm making supper, the the kitchen is 90% clean by the time we're eating.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, like you're putting condiments away as you're using.
SPEAKER_04:I'm already washing dishes and I'm already doing this. And so basically the lab, there's a couple dishes left on the stove. Uh we eat and we put those away and then wash like three dishes. That's how I do it. Yeah, uh my wife, no, everything's everywhere. She makes it, we eat, and I'm looking over the dishes. Um and then afterwards, like we usually we have kind of like a rule we've always really done is if she cooks, I clean and or I do dishes, and if I cook, she does dishes. Except that when I cook, the dishes are 90% done. Just saying. Um, so efficient.
SPEAKER_03:We used to do that too, and that caused some arguments, honestly.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I think some I just I think every couple has those rules. I do handle the thing.
SPEAKER_03:I do hand wash, I do hand wash, she does dishwasher, and that's the way we solve that because I did the same thing. I did the exact same thing, set the rules reverse.
SPEAKER_02:But how many disagreements have you had then when you deviate from that like kind of pre-agreed upon structure where it's like uh I did I maybe I made dinner tonight and I I did the dishes, or like sorry, you made dinner tonight and I also kind of like I'm not feeling like doing the dishes. I want you to do the dishes. Like, and then I'm being a dick, right?
SPEAKER_03:Like oh you just call them oligans, you get three a week. You just no seriously. No, you just call them oligons. Like the other day I just I got home with the dentist. I got home, but I didn't want to put I didn't want to deal with our five-year-old at bedtime because he's a fucking bananas. And uh I'm just looking at my wife, I'm like, yeah, this is my one. She she took care of that one, and that's usually my job, and you get three a week and you're good.
SPEAKER_02:You you have such a good ability to create well no you gamify it, right? It's fucking terrible. I'm so I like I like the root beer kombacha. I was just thinking I'd really like it. Can you can any of you guys learn to say kombucha? Kombucha, kombucha, kombucha, not kombucha, not kombacha, kombucha, kombucha, kombucha, kombucha kombucha.
SPEAKER_04:Kombucha that that is that is awful.
SPEAKER_01:That is really gross.
SPEAKER_02:What's my favorite? Well, it's because it's full of the lying that's ancient mushrooms. Ancient mushroom tonic.
SPEAKER_03:Hey, what else do what else does uh our wives do that makes it bad?
SPEAKER_04:Let's talk about why do you think it why do you think it is that uh we are all literally in the same situation where the person we're with um is like the opposite of us? Because it's normal. But like if we were smart, like I don't want to change it, obviously. But like if maybe don't say if we were smart. Okay, so that was the wrong I'm apologize. That's not the right term. I could go back in time. But I don't know, I'm telling you, I wouldn't change anything, but I'm just saying, like Good say if you could if you knew what you knew now about like love languages. Yeah, do you think that that would be a consideration in dating?
SPEAKER_01:I you're so like lovey dovey when you first start dating, though, that's like I don't think you really realize what your love language is until later.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I think it's it's that's a good point, especially in especially with like touch, I think maybe to a degree, because like you're the the function. You're touching, you're touching all over the place. All your your tingly feelings and stuff. And you're like, Oh, I love being that sounded weird.
SPEAKER_01:Would your love yeah don't say tingly? Well, you don't have like a house together when you're first dating and like all that kind of stuff.
SPEAKER_02:Well, for lack of better terms, you have lust. Yeah, lust is a lot, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Would it be would it be different if your partner was different? Would your love language be the same no matter who your partner was? Your love language is.
SPEAKER_02:Which is like how did you then come to have that?
SPEAKER_04:Like how you grew up, and probably there's probably a million things. Nature, nurture, whatever.
SPEAKER_02:I wasn't hugged very much as a child.
SPEAKER_03:I it uh and I definitely was. They're not gonna listen, but I I didn't grow up, like my house was very much acts of service, no physical like from my perspective as a kid, no physical touch from my parents. That was not their love language at all.
SPEAKER_04:But that is To each other or to the kids?
SPEAKER_03:Uh to each other, and and honestly, uh there are like it was just a different time, like not to the to the not on a lot of hugging, not a lot of stuff like that. Like the right amount, but like not as much as I would do with my kids. The right amount. So I so I don't not an inappropriate I don't know if that's if that's why.
SPEAKER_04:If if like Oh, there for sure everything matter everything. It can be impossible to pinpoint, but for sure how you grew up, the what you saw, what you perceived, it made you who you are. So here's a question have you have you, and I'm you're probably your new parent, have you thought about what your child sees in the way that you and your spouse interact?
SPEAKER_02:Often.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. And I do and I do too, and I think about it from the especially daughters, I think about it per from the perspective of what is the expectation they're gonna have. uh in a partner and do they see that uh I treat my wife uh with respect and that we we are a partnership and um that you know what I mean like do do they see that and do they recognize it and is that like an internalized this is what I'm looking for kind of a thing right do you hope that it is because like I it's very important for them it's hugely important and I I and I think if you have a good relationship in general I think that that's I mean gonna play out hopefully well because they should see like um your interactions and stuff but I think well even that from like a um like a physical thing because like it's not like we're making out in front of the kids or anything like that but like the fact that like but but the fact that like you know at supper or whatever or like we're washing dishes and I'll come up behind her and like give her a kiss something like that like just little things like that and the kids like ooh like don't do that or I I love when that happens. Yeah but I think that that's important that they see that that they see that there's like a physicality there.
SPEAKER_03:I think that's really important for them to see like all the pictures like you you can tell when the kids start bringing up pictures in school like if you and your like in all the pictures my wife and I are either holding hands or we have heart eyes like hat like or we're we're we a little spooch or something like that. And it's prominent in the pictures and I and I think it's just I it's just you're winning if your kids can see a good relationship growing up. I think so I couldn't I didn't realize how important it was until yeah like the kids start maturing because we're years behind you and I'm super curious because I know you and you and yours have a really good relationship if your daughter and son then seek those out yeah you hope so you know what I mean like that's and we have conversations about now especially with my 15 year old but like even um now her being around other people's parents and then seeing like the vast diff like a fairly significant differences in some like some of the families that she of her friends and I think it's it's interesting to see um their perspective on that.
SPEAKER_04:Because they'll go to someone's house to like hang out for the day and see the interaction between that family and it it's it's sometimes insanely different and sometimes not and there's that's then like having those conversations with them later oh so how's it going and what did you and like it's important I think to say well what is it about the that family that you didn't like that you liked hanging around with or didn't or was there like you know what I mean? Because sometimes there'll be like positive things that they like that the family like is like for for example we're not super great at some of the things you guys are like uh uh Jason with like um at supper time it's we're gonna sit around we're gonna chat we're gonna have a conversation we're we're still doing great because of uh and see and that's because of uh Hilliard there's yeah and that's impressive because like I would do that for we did that for a bit and we intermittently do those but sometimes it's like we pound supper and we go about and do our things right and so um maybe she ends up going to a friend's house where they're very much like that they're very much like uh cohesive and they hang out and they do stuff right and then she's like well actually I like that I'm like yeah that's a good point maybe we should do more of that you it's interesting just seeing the perspective of like your kids who grew up in your house um and their view of the other people that they're seeing I never even thought about that.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah it's interesting they're uh just just not gonna take it in another direction but my kid uh the five year old said to my wife the other day because they think kissing happens and then a baby comes that's that's the they think it's like smooching conferred and then so he asked her like three days ago he's like so I don't get it because you guys are smooching lots but there's no other kids coming.
SPEAKER_02:Smooching and I'm like oh all right.
SPEAKER_03:Did he say smooching he said smooch in my anyway but I I never thought about the home alone viewing other parents and other relationships like that.
SPEAKER_04:It's very interesting because you they get a person they get different perspectives of like what a family is and what and how people interact with each other and because they only know your interactions with your with your family till a certain age and then they start being exposed to other families. And that's good and bad obviously it can be either um and so what if it's good or it's bad though it's good to have the conversation like maybe it was uncomfortable that when they were at someone's house because of the relationship that they kind of observed and you're like well why like what happened and obviously if it's super bad maybe they don't go back there. But you know what I mean but like it's it's a good as if you have that open open conversation where you can say you can do that and then explain well listen some people they don't get along and they decide that they're gonna figure it out or they're gonna stick together anyway and it sucks. I don't know what to tell you. And then then this that opens up the conversation of like listen the most important decision you're gonna make in your life is who you spend your life with if you that is like I can't you cannot emphasize how important that decision will be in your life. And this is why we talk to you about who's you who you're hanging around with and um that kind of stuff because it is very insanely important. And so it kind of just opens those doors to like those conversations of you know critical thinking and and surrounding yourself with good people and being your putting yourself in a good community where you have the opportunity to find somebody who is like minded you know what I mean so it's it's really interesting.
SPEAKER_03:It'd be interesting for like kids going through like with Eric I know they get along really well right which is super beneficial for the kids to see but there's obviously couples out there where they divorce and it's it's not good.
SPEAKER_01:Even just some of the stuff that we've dealt with like at the nursing home I was like I cannot imagine Yeah right if you're a kid in there and it just damages the kids oh for sure victims they become victims of this.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah and then and then CJ doesn't know if he's gonna hug him or not to make him feel better so he's all confused about it.
SPEAKER_02:So you know yeah I don't know like when your your kids get passed down like the same love language as you or because I think my super curious like looking at my dad I'd say that's probably his love language too is access well for definitely how he shows love his access service.
SPEAKER_03:It might be a generational thing too though like I'm farming community growing up like I don't know if physical touch was like I think access service is the the standard.
SPEAKER_04:I don't know if that's true. I think that that is was expected to be the standard there's again I think it's like we are a lot more open or we can be more open without like ridicule potentially maybe seeing being a dude saying hey I just like you put your hand on my knee you can you can kind of say that these days and it is what it is. But like um like the old school like farmer like hard life that kind of stuff it I think it was less some of that no I I don't buy that.
SPEAKER_02:No I don't because yeah maybe some some of the old hard farmers but human beings need touch I agree you know like some are probably human beings are affectionate people.
SPEAKER_03:Well some of them are actually yeah yeah hey I like to receive it I already said that is I'm not very good at giving my wife does not like to receive physical touches I'm I'm a big I'm a big like walk by butt smack type thing if I'm just walking by it no I am and and now but we'd we'd be yeah but you have to be cautious like we have to we're at an age now we have to be cautious about the kids seeing that that's the one thing I won't really do obviously in front of the kids and my wife sometimes is not in the mood for it but then if I don't do it she's like you okay I'm like what the fuck that's exactly you know what's wrong with you yeah oh you do yeah same thing no I saw I saw it was like an Instagram meme of like some girl uh some lady every morning just getting like just like smack on the way by smack on the way by and then one morning he does she's like he doesn't do it and she kind of like looks at him like uh what's going on yeah are you mad at that are you mad?
SPEAKER_04:What's wrong with you?
SPEAKER_03:That being said I'm not a fan of receiving the smack on the butt when I when she walks by I'm proud of it.
SPEAKER_02:I'm like yeah get out of here I don't know and he's just like did you hurt your hand? Right. We're complicated creatures.
SPEAKER_04:We really are you know I was thinking though when you're talking about like uh do our kids inherit our love language I I don't know if that's true I and actually thinking about it like I didn't really think about love language stuff until later in my life and um I wonder very very much if how how much you can influence how how what their love language becomes. Do you know what I mean? Like if you if you intentionally could steer a lot their love language to a certain thing based on what you do. So I and I think you could so for example very much like if they do something good you give them a gift. Right? And now all of a sudden you're priming this like gifts acts of gifts uh love language where now it's like they feel love because they knew that well when dad loved me and when dad was proud of me he bought me something and so now all of a sudden they grew they grow up and they're like these people that their love language is gift gifts receiving.
SPEAKER_02:I I think so but I also think there's a chance where like those things just by like how you grew up and the things that happened in your childhood could maybe have been the way people tried to show you affection and then now you really are against that. Yeah could go I think it could go it could go either way. Yeah um and you hate giving gifts? Getting oh getting and I don't know probably because I'm awkward about it I'm like you got me something and I'm not probably because you don't I don't know what to do with my hands.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah service uh access service physical touch quality time quality and words of affirmation yeah but oh I I messed that one up the other day uh so if it it won't be my daughter's love language she's talking about kayak camp and kayak camp's the next day she's all nervous new people all that kind of stuff right and I'm like no like everyone like you're just you're people are just attracted to you because you go play all the all the girls want to play with you like trying to build her up and then she stopped she's like dad and she smiled and she's like are you saying I'm attractive and she's 10 or sorry she no she's not 10 she's eight geez um she's eight and I'm like and I I got super no no I got super awkward and I'm like well I well you know it's like you have a you have a good personality oh no and I and I dropped the and I looked at my wife and she was just giving you the the head shake you ruined she's like I'm like oh I just I fucked that golden moment up that could have been a core memory yes you're beautiful you're beautiful so you should have so words of affirmation so just saying like nice things to is a thing that's a thing yes like hey I appreciate you and I'm I'm I I am not good at doing that.
SPEAKER_01:I see we're really good at that which is nice um because uh I we both do that one so if I he Eric's been super busy lately and so I spend the weekends cleaning the house and even when uh or when he like comes home or even when he's like away and knows how to clean that's a big thing that he makes sure that he says which is nice it'd be nice if he was home back you have like a standard just like a like a standard thing that can be a good yeah just like thanks for doing that I really appreciate he bring a gift home when he comes no would you care I like gifts okay I like getting things I'm always up for a sweet treat.
SPEAKER_04:So okay as I don't get a lot of gifts from my wife is that uh we're not big gift people no we're not either I I think I would really like it though you you know what I think it is it's because you know they're thinking about you right that it's not necessarily the gift it's like you know that um they would just in they're during their day they thought about you they saw something they're like oh that I should get that for that person that could be simple like doing that like that yeah that's like a love language of me giving something like that is that a thing yeah uh yeah I think giving gifts get like that that's a gift giving gifts maybe like small like Eric leaves sticky notes on my desk with cute little notes on them and I'm not there right that's awesome yeah what a loser I know he's so sappy sometimes he leaves sticky notes on my desk too it's because he it's because he was just hoping that you can you are his first crush so that's fine that's right he's just hoping you'd come home and put your hand on his leg and then you don't do it.
SPEAKER_03:I'm so happy you said that because I get the same mental kind of mental argument in my head if if like the physical touch thing is is lacking for the week or something like that.
SPEAKER_04:Ah man being a guy sucks I don't feel emotions all many so and then so and then there's the other side of the spectrum I I saw a uh interview with Dana White about somebody asking about his feelings and he's like I don't talk about my feelings he's like fuck my feelings he's like what does it matter how I feel I wake up in the morning and I go do my job I work that's what I'm supposed to do I come I provide for my family and I yeah feelings that's a waste of time and he it's hilarious and he's like then there's that side of it like the all kind of insanely old school like I'm a man I don't have feelings and if I do I'm not gonna even acknowledge them or talk about them.
SPEAKER_02:Well probably not to the media like I'm also probably not going to get in front of the media and be like I'm not here to talk about my fucking feelings.
SPEAKER_04:Sure but I I I mean I think I there's people like that in that in the world who are very much no well we all know people in our life that are very opposed to I think it's a really hard it's very difficult for people to talk about their feelings and be vulnerable in front of people.
SPEAKER_02:Yes very much so and some of that I think is directly tied to either insecurity or and or ego.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah and it's probably both I don't know maybe just being uncomfortable with it.
SPEAKER_04:Like I think people just be uncomfortable and be a normal well some people are close but like they're not an open book like you know what I mean like they're not really comfortable just talking about like whatever because they don't want to share their life or something. Like there's somebody we worked with for a long time I worked with for a long time and there's some that I knew I tried to figure out who she was and I could not cry that open and I tried and I I I feel like we were like we got along like we and I still learned almost nothing about her life because she just didn't want to open up um so there's some people like that and that's completely fine but like for me it's like I'm the 100% opposite like I have not I've you asked me anything I'll talk we'll talk about it. But it's I and I because that because of that I don't fully understand the not not talking about something.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah like I think the all the alternative to being an open book and trying to be a closed book is like it's it's kind of not a fun way to go through life.
SPEAKER_04:I think you can be over you can be too open but yeah for sure and I think but I think if you have for still for and again I'm speaking I guess I don't know but I don't doubt that that person has people that's what I'm saying. Yeah they probably have their people their whatever however many people that that that's who they have those conversations with and they are comfortable with that.
SPEAKER_02:That's all they need right yeah I think it depends like how many people are you comfortable letting into the book of JB and the fact that we record this and put this on the internet means like a lot of people.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah let's just let's clarify a lot here let's just bring that down 64 people bring that number down like I I honestly I don't care and and the reason I think I don't care is because I'm not trying to hide I don't have nothing to hide and I I think that having having conversations sorry that I maybe haven't even fully um processed sometimes like you you start talking about things and you're like I don't even really know how I feel about this yet. I think that's fine. I think I think it's I don't know maybe it's not but like I think it's a good way to like display that like it's okay to have these these harder conversations and discuss things that um me might might like me me admitting like oh I just need like some human connection or some touch here like maybe it sounds stupid to some people but it's like I don't care because there are other people who understand it. You know what I mean? I don't know.
SPEAKER_02:I don't I just have I've never had a filter for sure somebody else will be like oh yeah I appreciate hearing that because I struggle with the same things or that's how they connect with you. You can't have people connect with you if you don't open up to them.
SPEAKER_04:Completely and I think one of the things that drives me crazy is when I I feel like I'm good at connecting with people because I I feel like I can talk about a whole bunch of different things. When I can't connect someone it like bothers me.
SPEAKER_03:It it yeah like it bot it bothers me if if I there's there's people at work who I I just don't connect with yeah but we work really good together and we have similar interests and that kind of thing. I don't connect with them but it bothers me if I think they're a good there's a couple guys who are good people and I can't connect them and I'm like what am I doing wrong because they are such a good person.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah and I I that's a good point. Like it's not like just any everybody and everybody but like there's like certain people like I I feel like we'd like each other. Like I feel like we'd be friends.
SPEAKER_03:We like the same stuff.
SPEAKER_04:But like you're just not willing to open up here like oh and it's like I don't know what to do.
SPEAKER_01:I I'm the same I shouldn't care is what I should say I was gonna say I don't think you can take that personally everybody's so quirky in their own way that it's just like some people yeah yeah but can you imagine how much easier this world would be if we all just communicated better and how many marriages would still be intact if people just communicated.
SPEAKER_02:Or like if you did something at work and just be like hey I didn't like that.
SPEAKER_01:Yes honestly back to the whole like you would do the same thing by going to other people and telling them that and they're just but like my so my parents split when I was nine and their communication was not great. And me and my sister are the exact same way where like our communication with our spouses is can like I really struggle to have difficult conversations with Eric and even if it's as simple as like coming home and the dishes are in the sink and I want to fucking snap I don't because I can't because I don't know how to like I don't want to like start that fight and get it like that communication part for me is really hard because I watched that I think when I was like younger. I very much grew up in a really poor communication household for having hard conversations and like not hard conversations having I guess hard conversations I don't know how to explain it. Having difficult conversations with my partner because of my mom and my dad and how they struggled is like really hard for me.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. It's interesting like you again you so maybe now thinking about this maybe the reason I am so open is because I grew up in a place where I felt like there wasn't a really good communication between my parents and so it's like I but that being said like my like my wife and I like we communicate well okay but there's times when we don't like it it's kind of a it's up and down a bit right like I need relationship.
SPEAKER_01:Uh and I think it's always that but that's the thing about relationship it's always you have to always try to be better otherwise like it's not gonna work right you have to keep having the conversations hey I know I said this last last month but yes or like not so much now um but there were things that I like struggled with um with our relationship when we first started dating because I jumped into a lot and I would have to like build myself up for like a couple days and finally like build the courage to be like okay I want to talk about this. And it was never a big deal but it just took me a really long time to be like I need to have this conversation.
SPEAKER_04:Which is always always makes it a bigger deal in your head. Yes. Right?
SPEAKER_01:And that's and this is the And I would get so anxious about it. And it was never a big deal and then the conversation would go great but it would take me a really long time to be like okay this might be a hard conversation and so I'm having a really hard time like initiating it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:So it's like she's not touching JB's leg and he's doing like pinch and calculations like is this gonna be okay and then you go hey can you just touch my leg and she does and you're like oh this is great.
SPEAKER_01:And and that's all I needed so I'm good for another month.
SPEAKER_04:That is literally exactly it because it's like in my in your head you're like what is and if I just literally would just take her hand and put it on my legs she'd be like oh yeah sorry I know like she wouldn't care. It wasn't like she wasn't like avoiding doing it. It was just like it never crossed her mind.
SPEAKER_01:Yep.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah it's almost like you'd benefit from having scheduled time at certain intervals to be like hey I'm just gonna sit down like back to back because I can't look at you because then I'll get weird and just tell you here's Oh my god I've literally done that I've had a conversation where I'm like I can't look at you I'm gonna face away but I'm gonna talk to you here for a moment. Listen. And it's usually about I I do too and it's when I what's when I have to talk about how I feel about something it's like I'm gonna turn away.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And if it's really hard it's because I know I'm gonna cry too and I just like face away he's not gonna he doesn't cry I I do crystal it's hilarious.
SPEAKER_04:And then you literally have the conversation you're like wow that went really well and it was super easy but it took me three days to why didn't you tell me this like two years ago yes because I didn't think you could hear it I don't know I'm super guilty of that. Everyone I think everyone is again because we're in our own heads and we think it's gonna be a big deal and it usually is not and again if you marry the person you've been with them for a long time hey guess what? They love you and they want you to be happy and so they want to know how to make you happy. Yeah. It's just that sometimes it's the ego gets in the way of saying well they should just know or I don't know what it is, but something gets in the way. I the the they're gonna be wish people could read minds yeah.
SPEAKER_01:It's like they can't read your mind.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah like why doesn't she know that the kitchen needs to be cleaned yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Well it's funny you bring that up because I was talking about this with somebody this week and they were saying Probably as a result of like childhood or stuff like that. Like you come home and you're like had a shitty day at work, or whatever you want to call it. And it's like, instead of just saying, Hey, I had a shitty day at work, you're just like, Oh, I'm just gonna be all prickly and fucking shitty, and I expect you to like understand.
SPEAKER_03:You expect them to call you out. Like I I say once every few weeks, I I will call my wife a bitch to her face. Hey, and she'll she'll call me an ass. Like, I'll be like, hey, Kerr, tonight you're being kind of a bitch. And and she'll be like, ah, she's like, You got and she'd be she'll say, Oh, yeah. She'll be like, Oh, you got me. I gotta, and then then that opens up that conversation. And she'll I'll come home, she's like, hey, Jason, you're being an ass tonight. I'm like, oh fuck, let's go talk. And and then we just and that's how we start that conversation. But we put that was pre-discussed prior to calling her that and prior to calling me that. And it helps out a lot, like just calling them out just like that on the behavior.
SPEAKER_04:That reminded me of the scene from the other guys. Uh when with the what's the Eva Eva, that really helps. Oh, Goria? Yeah, she comes in with the fashion app. She comes in with the supper. He's like, You why'd you are you're dressing like are you acting like a real bitch? He's like, Are you gonna change?
SPEAKER_01:You look like a hobo, and she's in like a draft.
SPEAKER_03:I would say we started that about a year ago, maybe just like calling each other out if we're having that day and we haven't discussed it, and just like, and it has been bit so beneficial. You're kind of being a bitch tonight, and she'd be like, I feel like you could use a different word, but yeah. Actually, watch video. Not in front of the kids, but we do that just because it adds a little bit of humor to it.
SPEAKER_01:Uh I watched a video of this couple, um, and they when they come home, I think they both have like very high stress jobs. They'll come home and they'll instantly say like what their number is out of like 10. So if she's like, I'm at a two, and he's like, Well, I'm at an eight, so I'm gonna go do dinner for you, and you can go chill, and like that's what they do. It's cool when they get, and I was like, Oh, that's actually a really good idea.
SPEAKER_03:That's a separate couch night, it feels like.
SPEAKER_04:Um, there's also a an interesting one I still have not done, but I heard it and I was like, this is a good thing, and I never did it. Um, was like like once a week, maybe like on the Sunday or something before the week starts. You like say to your like partner, like, what is what can I do this week to make you feel more loved.
SPEAKER_01:That's it.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, and like just like a question, and like it might like it might sound again. It's I again as a as a person, it feels like maybe weird to say that. You're like, I don't know what it is, it's emotions. And it makes me uncomfortable. I know, I know I get it.
SPEAKER_01:I like that because everyone's at different stages too. Like, if you know you're gonna have like a crazy week, it's like, what can I do that's gonna help you this week? And it's like, well, I'm working late every day. I'd love if you did the dishes every day.
SPEAKER_04:And I I I saw you become uncomfortable when I said that out loud.
SPEAKER_03:Yes, I really like that.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, and so but the point is like the point is what because again, because so access service is your thing, but maybe that this week it's something specific because you know whatever. So maybe she does all these other things that you she thinks help is helping you and making you feel appreciated and loved, and none of it even registers because this was the only thing that bothered you this week. 100%. And and so, like, again, I still haven't done it, but I heard it like a while back and I was like, this is a good idea. I like that. Um, and I think if that communicate, if you started that communication and did it like weekly, I don't think it needs to be done all the time, but like if you did it like every once a week kind of a thing, it would just set it up like I'm thinking about this, I'm thinking about our relationship, I'm thinking about you. I want this obviously to work, and I want to make sure that you know that I love you without us having like is like not having to like say it every day necessarily or be like really touchy-feely potentially, uh except that's what I need. Uh uh, but like you know what I mean. I just think it like opens that line of communication, maybe, even though you're super uncomfortable trying to say it. Yeah, no, no, you have to say the words. You love you too. No, no, no, you do. You practice it right now.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:What am I supposed to say?
SPEAKER_03:Look look at look at me and say it.
SPEAKER_02:What is it I can do this week? What is it, Jason? I can do this week that make to make you feel loved.
SPEAKER_03:Why did you look away so much with you? Yeah, you you looked your eyes around.
SPEAKER_04:Your eyes are not making comments.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, now you're going red. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01:But you can even do the appreciation thing that way where it's like, hey, I really appreciated how you vacuumed today so that they know that was something that really helped you that week. It's like, yeah, it's like you're saying it in a really yes, it's like literally you're like saying it in a really nice way, but being like, that was do it again next week.
SPEAKER_03:I had like a like a like a mental a mental divorce in my head because I make I make cottage cheese and blueberries like every night because I don't like them getting too soggy for the night. So I make that every night, and and I know she knows I make that every night, and I never asked her to do it, but I bang around in the kitchen. I was like on Monday, I was banging around the kitchen on Monday because I didn't want to make it, and I hate making it every night, but I'm banging around, throwing things around, and I finally made it and I set it down. And in my mind, I'm like, why the fuck isn't she doing this? She knows I had a busy day, and I didn't say a goddamn word to her. And then I sit in the couch and I'm like, Well, I made my blueberries, and she's like, Well, GG, like, Jason, you're being an ass. I'm like, Oh, okay, well, I you should have made the blueberries. She's like, You never asked me to make the blueberries and cottage cheese. And I'm like, Oh, okay, well, that's on me.
SPEAKER_01:I'm sorry. You were upset with your wife because you came home from work and she didn't pack your lunch for you the next day. Is that what I just heard?
SPEAKER_03:But I'm prepping the lunch for the next day, which she never does.
SPEAKER_01:And I'm like your lunch, not her lunch. Yeah, like my lunch.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, and I I I literally had like a weird mental thing where I was arguing, like the hand on the leg thing, where I'm arguing with her in my head, and she doesn't know there's an argument happening. It's so weird. It's so healthy. That's so healthy. It's terrible. And then she and she called me out, and I'm like, yeah, I I realize that I'm an idiot. Like I had a little bit more.
SPEAKER_01:I completely understand where you're coming from with the conversation in your head. Yeah, the argument. Her not making her lunch makes me want to slap you because you can make your own lunch I do make my own lunch every day.
SPEAKER_03:I have conversations. I wanted her to make it that day, and I never expressed that. And then I was like, Well, this is like I'm just so funny.
SPEAKER_01:I'll have full-blown arguments with Eric in my head. In your head, right? Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I think everyone does that. Do you usually win them? Because I don't win a lot of things. Oh, yeah. I win like 50-50.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, or you know what I hate the most is not necessarily even with Eric, but just like anyone, where you have a conversation with somebody, and then like on the drive home, you're like, damn, I wish I would have said this. It would have been so good. I could have got him with that one. Yeah. But yes, I uh I have hypothetical arguments in my head with people all the time.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. Uh stand by. I just sprayed raw kombucha. And it smells like like kombucha beer.
SPEAKER_03:Uh this root beer is horrible. I like the root beer.
SPEAKER_04:And we're back after making a mess with the kombucha. Did I say that right?
SPEAKER_02:Kombucha? Kombucha. Kombucha. Kombuche. Uh speaking of your conversations, I'm sure we all do this.
SPEAKER_01:I do it a lot.
SPEAKER_02:But the uh almost like ruminating would maybe be the term where you're just you're driving somewhere and you're just having this argument with somebody, maybe not your partner, right? Having this argument, and it's just getting worse and worse. And you're like, I know they're gonna fuck me in this way or they're gonna do this, and then they're like I get pretty good at catching it, but you catch yourself and you're like, what the fuck am I doing?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, and you talk yourself out of it.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, after you've talked yourself into like a like a like a and like and getting emotionally involved.
SPEAKER_03:Yes, 100%. Yeah, there's been so many, and I may be crazy, but there have been so many, like there's been nights that I have lost sleep over things I thought were a big deal or ruminating about an argument or something like that. I could potentially have the next day. Things that haven't even happened. And then yeah, the next day nothing happened, and it's just such a non-issue.
SPEAKER_01:I'm so glad I'm not the only one. Especially when I drive. When I drive, I talk to myself a lot. Yeah, I do. Like out loud? Uh sometimes. Or just in your head. Do you hear you hear thank you? Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:I listen to that episode.
SPEAKER_01:What does it sound like?
SPEAKER_04:So do you hear your own voice? Like physics you do.
SPEAKER_01:Yes.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, yeah, you don't. No.
SPEAKER_01:So like, yeah, if I'm I talk out loud a lot if I'm by myself, but if I am like talking to myself in my head, like I hear my thoughts as my voice. Really? Yes. Internal dialogue.
SPEAKER_04:That's so weird.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Because I'm just talking to myself.
SPEAKER_03:No, I but what's the majority here? Do more people have than internal dialogue? Yes.
SPEAKER_04:I'm not saying I don't have an internal dialogue. You're the outlier? Because I I like I obviously have thoughts, and but like I don't hear my head thoughts.
SPEAKER_03:You saw how crazy you looked, right?
SPEAKER_04:But I don't I don't have like a I don't hear my voice in my head.
SPEAKER_01:But I think it's it's your thoughts, you know? Yeah. So it's just like your voice. I can see how you don't hear like a voice to it because it's literally just your like mind. But if I'm like if I'm thinking, like if I'm just driving and thinking like, hey, I need to get this at the grocery store or something like that, I don't hear my voice, but if I'm having like a conversation with myself, then I hear my voice.
SPEAKER_03:Like golem style? Like you got like one like does your voice do you hear I freaking do you hear any words? I don't does your voice have like an accent or something? Is it the frick?
SPEAKER_02:No, like I just I'm I don't understand even those conversations. What happens when you need to talk to yourself into like, hey, like I'm just gonna get through this now.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, when you when you ruminate about her not touching your leg.
SPEAKER_04:No, or or like I'm like running, I'm running and I'm gonna try to make myself keep going.
SPEAKER_01:No, that's a good example, actually. So when you're sitting there and you're going, I wish my wife would put her hand on my leg right now, what are you hearing? Because you're for sure saying that to yourself.
SPEAKER_04:I don't know. I don't I feel like there's no like voice, it's just like thoughts.
SPEAKER_02:Can you talk to yourself in your head? Like if you sit down and you're like, I'm gonna do my daily affirmations. Can you hear yourself talking to yourself? No.
SPEAKER_04:What? Like I I can't well, how can you my voice isn't I'm not talking? How can I hear my voice? It's not talking.
SPEAKER_01:I think we're all saying the same thing. I don't know if we are. I'm not sure we are. I think you're hearing your thoughts. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:I'm right.
SPEAKER_01:Like I have especially with if I have like an interview coming up, I will practice that interview in my car for months.
SPEAKER_04:But I'll do that usually out loud. Like if I if I was I'd be like actually talking.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Like for the the best man speech at at your wedding. Yeah. Like I had I had to do that out loud a lot.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_04:I still felt like I was nervous.
SPEAKER_03:I I enjoy talking to myself. Is that weird?
SPEAKER_01:No, I talk to myself literally, I'll walk my dogs around the lake, and I have an interview coming up in a couple months, and I'm already like talk like saying it to myself.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, you do it in public. Well, if I'm like by myself, I'm at the dog park.
SPEAKER_01:I stop when people are coming.
SPEAKER_03:Just a crazy dog that you're walking around the park.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I talked to myself a lot.
SPEAKER_04:You empathetically went, hey, uh, because I just had I just had a thought. How did your best man speech at your brother's wedding go? I think it went well. Good. Uh like you was uh did you try to find the balance between like humor and like just like actual caring and feeling?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I I I uh it was eight minutes long. That's a lot of that's a long speech. It was a long speech. I tried to talk about.
SPEAKER_03:Did you cry?
SPEAKER_02:No. Oh no.
SPEAKER_03:I tried to hug your brother on his wedding day. I did. Handshake before or after.
SPEAKER_02:He was telling he was trying to tell us. No, we're gonna sidetrack this.
SPEAKER_03:I don't remember.
SPEAKER_02:I hugged my brother. Uh I tried to talk about things that I thought were important that would also resonate with the people there.
SPEAKER_04:Like wellness and longevity.
SPEAKER_02:No, I have it recorded. If you want to watch it, Momentum Ori. Yeah. Microplastics. Uh I had some themes. Theme number one was I actually don't remember the themes. I'd have to look. Hey, let's look. We got time. Did you do you use iPhone notes? I used my journal app. I wrote it in my journal. So iPhone notes.
SPEAKER_01:Do you journal?
SPEAKER_02:I do. Uh I don't. Oh, I think it's a good one.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, I know you do. Sorry. Yeah. I I go through phases and mostly not.
SPEAKER_01:Do you journal? I feel like it's incredibly healthy. I did a little while ago.
SPEAKER_03:I started it just to help me through just some stuff.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_03:It was good. Here's what I talked about.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. There was a lot of paragraphs prior to this, but it got to the point where I said I wanted to pass along. Four very quick points. Uh very quick, meaning nine more minutes. Number one, don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. And then I had some more stuff to talk about it. Like the dishes in the sink. Yeah. Uh number two, you owe a teacher to take care of your health, physical, mental, and emotional. Boom. Health. Number three, seek out and do hard things both together and individually.
SPEAKER_01:That's nice.
SPEAKER_02:And number four, be a teacher. Be a teacher. Take care of the children in your life whether you choose to have a lot of people. What about a student? About a teacher and a student.
SPEAKER_04:Can you not learn?
SPEAKER_03:Okay. Um, so the question is so there was a joke built in there? There's lots of jokes in there. Can we hear it?
SPEAKER_02:Uh it might not work for us because it probably is the whole speech.
SPEAKER_03:Is it do we have to know the know the people?
SPEAKER_02:No, you just have to listen to the whole speech. Like I talked about my brother stabbing myself, me in the head with a screwdriver once. This is fun. Yeah. Family fun. Yeah. It was fun.
SPEAKER_01:As brothers do.
SPEAKER_02:As brothers do.
SPEAKER_04:How was uh how old's your brother again?
SPEAKER_01:30. Okay. Good. Did just the two of you? I don't know if you had a brother.
SPEAKER_02:He's my technically my half-brother. Oh and as close as I want to be. I don't see him very often.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Does he live here?
SPEAKER_02:No. He used to. He lives in Calgary.
SPEAKER_01:Sounds that far. Uh yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Kind of growing apart a little bit? You guys grow close with your sister?
SPEAKER_01:I'm very close with my sister, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:That's nice.
SPEAKER_01:Even though we're nine years apart.
SPEAKER_02:Are you younger?
unknown:Yes.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, you are. No, I was a good one.
SPEAKER_01:I was a straight up whoopsie. Oops.
SPEAKER_03:It worked out.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:But yes.
SPEAKER_04:Do you have a I have two sisters? Are you close with them? Yes and no. I I don't know what to say. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
SPEAKER_03:I I'm kind of close with my sister because she's very close close, but my brother's in New York or whatever. What do you not anymore, but he's somewhere else. Like seriously, he travels and teaches. You don't know where Mars. No, seriously. I he was in Buffalo for a while. He's traveling. And we do the happy birthday Facebook Messenger message. Okay. And that's about it. And I feel like in the future I will regret the fact that we are not as close as we could be.
SPEAKER_02:I feel that.
SPEAKER_03:Do you feel that? But oh big. Yeah. Maybe hey, 30 days. We got the 30-day channel. Maybe that's something we start to I need to foster some relationships there. I I think again. We don't hate each other, we like each other, but it's just, you know.
SPEAKER_04:Again, I think it's something that's like if you're not intentional with, it just becomes a thing that like all of a sudden it's been three years and you're like, whoa, we've barely talked.
SPEAKER_02:It takes here's the problem. It takes two people to play. It does. But that all that statement is also a very convenient out to not playing your part. Completely.
SPEAKER_04:Um I really well put. Yeah, I think that you need, like I said, you need to be intentional with it, and if that's important to you, you have to all you can do is control your effort, your side of it. And so that becomes like, okay, I'm gonna set a calendar reminder once a month, whatever, with the numbers you want it to be. Uh, phone, phone brother, phone sister, phone whatever. And even if that conversation is strained and it's a five-minute conversation that you will hope was gonna be two-hour conversation, uh one month late down the road and that alarm goes off, you phone again, and or or a week, or whatever the thing is you think it needs to be. But like I'm not good at that, and I definitely need to do it be better of my my part because again, you can only control your side of that of that equation.
SPEAKER_02:Yes. Now here's the this is an interesting podcast. We're talking about a lot of feelings, a lot of things in it. Yeah, it's deep today. We did. Uh the thing that scares me about doing that is the lack of reciprocation. You can't care about that.
SPEAKER_04:I and I know that it's hard not to as humans, you because you want you need the reciprocation for a relationship. You need to have two two-way street. But when it comes to like and I'm sp okay, let's just be clear. I'm sp I'm saying this because I know it, but I don't uh but because I don't, but I don't I I feel a bit um hyper no, what's the word? Hypocritical because I I I don't do it and I should. But that being said, um, you can only control the effort that you're putting out towards it. And I get that the r the relationship needs to be a reciprocal relationship if it's going to be a valuable, good relationship, but that'll never happen if there's no contact either direction, right? And so as as much as it becomes almost like maybe a painful thing for you to make that phone call once a month, once every two weeks, whatever the number is, because it's painful to you, because it's like strained and you're pulling and you you walk away from that conversation feeling maybe worse than you did before you called. I still think that it if that's if that relationship is something you want to build, you have to do it. A hundred percent. Yeah. And so, like the the feelings you the feelings you get from the conversation, whether it become a good conversation or bad conversation, are irrelevant. And again, I'm saying this and I don't do it enough.
SPEAKER_02:So it's it's just funny you say that. So I'm gonna read you one line from the speech. Perfect. Uh in many ways, wisdom is the ability to take your own advice. It's very easy to give good advice, but equally as hard to take your own advice.
SPEAKER_04:I'm and and that's me belonging. Yeah. And and uh it's interesting when you when you it's interesting when you catch yourself in the moment like I just did, where you're saying something you know to be true. Yeah, because I uh because you know it's re it's you know it's a thing. Like you know that it's true, and you wish and again you wish that you actually did it. And it's like you said, it's really easy to say do this thing. Um but I I don't think it makes it less uh less valid information, it would just be more valid if I could say and I do it and it works.
SPEAKER_02:Do you know what I mean? That would be the wisdom aspect, yeah, taking your own advice, I think. Um because it's great advice. Yeah, the trick is actually doing it.
SPEAKER_04:100%. And that that that's why like everyone, like anyone listening to this, like it's it's there. It's like it's low-hanging fruit, really, to be honest, with with our phones right now, and with the ability to just put in like literally like schedule it for the next three years once a month on a Saturday, uh this time my alarm's gonna go off. Like that's a super easy thing to do, and then just follow through. Doesn't matter what you're doing. Quick phone call. Hey, what's going on?
SPEAKER_02:I gotta put that in my fucking camera and hate myself for life if I don't.
SPEAKER_04:Um, and like I and it's actually funny because like my one sister and I had this kind of conversation. Uh, I was kind of complaining about something, and she's like, and she and she's a psychologist, so maybe that's why she's so smart. And she was basically like, she's like, Yeah, you're not wrong, but what have you done? And I'm like, ah, damn it. And that's it's completely true, right?
SPEAKER_01:That'll be like at the nursing home. You like go and deal with clients and you're like telling them some advice, and you're like, Man, I should listen to that. Why can't I do that? That's really good advice. Yeah, and you're like talking to them, you're like, why don't you just do this? And then you're like, It's so simple. I can't do that.
SPEAKER_02:Totally. It's funny though, with it, I wonder how much it has to do with our job, whereas like you get really good at dealing with like super hard things, but then in your own personal life you have all these like little minor things that you're like, ah, fuck that. I'm not gonna do that minorly hard thing. I'm just gonna skip that little minor speed bump. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I feel like it's pretty consistent. Like sibling siblings grow apart, I feel. I I maybe they don't. I don't know.
SPEAKER_04:It again, I think it depends on the family. I think it's a lot of people.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, everybody's family dynamic. Like me and my sister talk every day. We we every day, every day.
SPEAKER_03:Every day. Good for you. That's awesome. We're tight.
SPEAKER_01:We just say, yeah, what are you talking about? Say so.
SPEAKER_03:Do do you think about it? Because we had this conversation with my wife this week about what our kids' relationship would be like when they get older. Like with each other? Yeah, with each other. Are they gonna be hanging out? Are they gonna be, oh, we'll see you at Christmas? I don't know. Oh man.
SPEAKER_02:But the problem, I don't know if it's the problem, but maybe for me, the problem is at that age, it wasn't even on the radar, the value of that relationship.
SPEAKER_04:Sure, but I think that can be fostered in certain ways as a from a from a parent parental. So uh I don't know what my kids are gonna be like, but you know what's funny is my sister's two girls. I I mean obviously things can happen, but like the way they are right now, and they're still young, but the way they are right now, I can see them being like you and your sister. Like we'll always like their best friends and talking every single day for till they die. Um and maybe maybe that changes. But uh but my two, the They they interact, but like again, it's uh two girls versus like a boy and a girl, so maybe that's different as well. So I don't know what that dynamic is gonna be. I try each other fossil, hey, you need to look out for you. Like the only one who's gonna be consistent in your life is your family. Um, everyone else can come and go, friends come and go, blah blah blah. But I don't know. I don't I don't know what that's gonna be like.
SPEAKER_01:I FaceTime them a lot too because my nieces and they're in Calgary, so we're all chat lots.
SPEAKER_03:We're all jealous of your relationship with your sister. That's awesome. Like, that's great.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, we went through a phase because she's nine years older than me. So when she was when I was nine, she was yeah, that's crazy. Probably eighteen. Um so yeah, that was definitely a phase where we were not close whatsoever, but once I got older, that's understandable.
SPEAKER_03:Did she recall you like you're the mistake or something like that?
SPEAKER_04:Probably I think the but I think the age difference is so big that those probably those probably never happened. You know what I mean? Like yeah, it's different if like two years or something, like those arguments probably would have happened.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, like she was gone and like in college when I was in middle school or high school.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, that's crazy. My oldest told the my youngest that he was a mistake a couple weeks ago when they were they were getting after each other.
SPEAKER_01:No, I was like legitimately a mistake though.
SPEAKER_02:Oh so she wouldn't be wrong. Yeah, everything happens for a reason. No, it doesn't. She does not.
SPEAKER_01:My mom's very happy that I happened.
SPEAKER_02:You don't believe that. I don't believe. I don't know. I don't know what I believe.
SPEAKER_04:Do you believe that? I literally think okay, stop for a second and think about that. Do you think that everything happens for a reason?
SPEAKER_02:Yes. Oh, here we go.
SPEAKER_04:Are you serious? I I think it depends to how you define reason. Okay, you can't, it can't be here's the problem with this conver this this idea. Because it's easy. No, no, no. It's easy, no, not even not even considering God and stuff like that, but like it's very easy after the fact to think of something that would make it re a a reason. Like, you know what I mean? Like whether it's like next week, you think, oh, that's why that happened. See, it was a reason. Like high hindsight, yeah. 100% you because our brains want to make sense of not things that don't make sense. So it's not that difficult for our brains to be like to find something to fill that void of this can't just be randomness. Uh, there has to be a reason, and then something just pops in, oh that that that's the reason. There it is, right there. Versus like it could it just could just be random.
SPEAKER_02:Well, probably is random. I mean, we're living in the universe where there's been 13 billion years of allegedly of of decisions or like chances that have then played out into further degrees of complexity. You know what I mean? Like no. No.
SPEAKER_03:So what about the the fizzy kombucha there when it when it's built? What was the reason?
SPEAKER_04:Kombucha.
SPEAKER_03:Whatever.
SPEAKER_04:So the reason was because uh we took a pause and then our conversation, we had some time to think, then he came back and he had some time to think about the next thing, and then he was just like all into it.
SPEAKER_02:The big man's looking after us. There's a reason. I don't think that's the reason. I'm just saying, I'm not saying that everything I don't believe everything happens for a reason. I just I just hate that. I just hate it.
SPEAKER_04:I that bothers me. Because it's a pithy statement. Very much so and pithy, pithy, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Telling people how to say it with more like bigger events in life, not small things. I'm sure. Oh, the people that say probably everything, I agree. Yeah, stop.
SPEAKER_04:But even big things. Even big things. Like, okay, I'm sure I like I said, I know you can probably think that there was a reason after the fact. What are you looking up?
SPEAKER_03:What do you think about I grocked what pithy means, and he used it in that sentence perfectly, like absolutely perfectly. I've never heard that word before, I don't think.
SPEAKER_02:Pithy? I said it like two podcasts ago. Yeah, what's wrong? Where were you? Where were you? I I don't know. Anyway, yeah, I think you can still uh extrapolate reason or meaning from things. It's not wrong to do that.
SPEAKER_04:Uh you can design in your head the reason, which is fine. Like if you want to make a reason for something that doesn't have a reason.
SPEAKER_02:But then if you but you're by your argument, then nothing has any reason why it happens or let's not get pithy here.
SPEAKER_03:Alright.
SPEAKER_02:I think you just like saying pithy. I do.
SPEAKER_04:I don't I don't know if I agree with that or don't. I think that only thing that only thing that gives things meaning and reason are people. Yeah, probably. Right? Like, you know what I mean? Like so, like in the if you think about the animal character.
SPEAKER_03:Have you watched Shimp Nation on Netflix yet? Have you watched it? No, I haven't. Then you're anyway.
SPEAKER_04:Like anyway, it doesn't it doesn't matter. We don't need to get into this.
SPEAKER_03:What else are we gonna get into? Oh it's good.
SPEAKER_04:Going home soon.
SPEAKER_03:Watch Shimp Nature.
SPEAKER_02:Stop. It's 840. Oh, it's 841. Hold on. Do you think everything happens for a reason?
SPEAKER_01:No, I just said that to make Brennan upset.
SPEAKER_02:What do you think?
SPEAKER_01:Um I don't know. I often think if I like didn't end up in the city that we're currently in, like, where would I be?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, that's interesting, right?
SPEAKER_01:Because it's like I'm not from here, went to school here, happened to get on with the nursing home when I did.
SPEAKER_04:What is the name of that show on Apple TV with the uh cube? Uh Dark Matter or something like that? You haven't heard of this? Uh yeah. So anyway, it's the show, but the concept's really interesting because it's like uh at every basic decision point in your life, if there's a different universe where you made a different decision, and because of that, your life becomes something completely different. And so um in this movie they can go back to those times. But the that it's a really interesting idea because it'd be like what decisions, because some of them would mean some big things, some of them might mean nothing, or even the ones you thought weren't significant could have altered your life dramatic dramatically, right? And so it's kind of interesting to go back through your life a little bit, like maybe a couple years, five years, 10, 15, 20, and start thinking about what decisions had they been different, it'd then like whoa, what would I be? Where would I what job would I do? Who would I be with?
SPEAKER_01:Like if I had gotten into Mount Royal and not Lethbridge College, I would have stayed in Calgary. Yeah. And then probably would have gone to a nursing home there and never would have came here. Yeah. Or I would have done my initial plan and I'd be in South Africa because I was gonna go there for a while.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, it's not a good place.
SPEAKER_02:But here we are.
SPEAKER_04:Here you are. And it's interesting though. You start like picking out like decision points in your life that could have altered things. The studio.
SPEAKER_02:That's what I'm calling this. The studio. It's not a studio, it's the studio now. Um, yes. However, I also I think I think it's a not a great exercise to look at the code. No, I don't think you should worry about that.
SPEAKER_01:No, I like it would be interesting, but to see, it's not like I'm like, ugh, I hate where I'm at. I wonder if I went here.
SPEAKER_03:I wouldn't want to see I'm happy where I'm at. I wouldn't want to see like the cube, they could see what happens if they choose, if they chose to be cool. Yeah, so he shows he knows unless it's something that was like better. So in this show I don't know what better lady, but that sounds bad, but yeah, I don't want to know.
SPEAKER_04:In this show specifically, he goes back to a point in time where he chose his um career over family, and in so the guy who chose his career ends up being super successful, billionaire blah blah blah makes it a scientist guy that makes his stuff, but he regrets that and tries to go back to the point where he made that decision point and and live out the life that he missed. It's a really, really good show. That is interesting. I might have ruined it.
SPEAKER_02:I just think it might have ruined it if you listen if you if you wanted to listen to that show, don't uh I don't think I ruined it, but if I did, sorry.
SPEAKER_04:Um it's really interesting, but I agree with you, it's a waste of like it's a waste of like brain power to sit there and like because the it doesn't matter, and um again, if you're happy where you're at, that and you can't go back and change it anyway.
SPEAKER_03:So would you would you want to know the future? But like would you want to know the cube throw you, hey, you're gonna die like this. Do you want to know that?
SPEAKER_04:I think we've talked about this before. I don't want to know.
SPEAKER_03:No, I don't want to know either.
SPEAKER_04:I I wouldn't mind maybe like a time frame, like if you knew like I don't want that. I don't think what if because if that time frame is incredibly short, I don't think you no, but then I think that you can spend the time doing what you want to do.
SPEAKER_03:Well, there's a movie where they have like a time on their wrist just to time it's called time, it's good.
SPEAKER_04:It's called time.
SPEAKER_03:No, it's called in time in time, yeah, where they have that and they could see the clock countdown. So it's really it's kind of like a life calendar for a movie, like that.
SPEAKER_04:That's a great movie. Um I I I'm torn on this because if I knew, so like you said, if it's a short time, if I knew that by the end of 2025, I'm gonna be dead. Um and I knew that for a fact, there's nothing I could do with change it, I would quit my job and meeting. And I would and why not? And I would spend time with people that I care about and just building memories and and then be like, hey, like I'm not gonna be here after this year, I have an insurance policy, you'll be okay.
SPEAKER_01:Death is such a crazy concept when you like really start thinking about it.
SPEAKER_04:It really is because uh creepy. Yeah. Um, but the but like but so that would be good knowing that, but the other side of it is if you know that you're not gonna die till you're 92, you can just mail it in.
SPEAKER_02:I don't know, right? That's it's a weird thing. I don't know. The that's perhaps the uncertainty of death is the benefit of that. Because then probably you are forced to make a decision as to like, am I going to try and live with intention in the moment and put energy into the things that are important? When you just should yeah, you actually generate like it's one of those things like I think about death a lot.
SPEAKER_03:I I have started to since my child told me in 10 years that I'm gonna be 50.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and just did like more so of like a vague concept of you know, all of this really matters, except the second we die, none of this mattered. But then did it matter? Does it matter?
SPEAKER_01:Do you know what's really weird that I was thinking about and have kind of spiraled is that we're all do you ever think about how we're all just like personalities stuck inside a body? Like you have no control but like what I mean, you have control about what you look like to extent of like how you eat and take care of yourself and all that kind of stuff, but you just are a personality stuck inside of a shell of a body and that's what you look like.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, that's why it could be all just a simulation and we're not real. Yeah, or like your brain is making decisions that are like I want to say like predetermined, but I think about it.
SPEAKER_03:You're separating like consciousness from like physical form, and this is just controlling this body this thing we're just navigating through time, this this physical being we're just moving through time in.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, okay. It's weird. It's just like you're so you you're just you're a personality, and like you're obviously like your brain makes up like who you are, but you're just like you're stuck. Like that's your body. Like that's what you get. And you're just uh this is what you get. Yeah, and you're just like you're you have like this crazy you're like this being, but like you're like that's your shell. Like that's that's what you get.
SPEAKER_04:But that's what's crazy about your brain and like this being stuck in this in this person in this body is like because again, thoughts like what what are thoughts? And like because you we you you said we've all said we're driving somewhere, we're having these crazy thoughts that we don't necessarily want to have, and then all of a sudden we catch ourselves having these thoughts, being like, What am I doing? So like they weren't something that you intentionally really wanted to do, but your brain spirals into this pattern of thoughts or this idea that pops in your head, like, well, I wonder what this and I wonder about this, and like where where is that coming from?
SPEAKER_03:Like, where are these the person running the simulation?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, probably. This is perhaps why I've been so focused on meditation for the last um 30 days. Because you just get to sit there and experience that in real time. Did you do that? I don't do that. I thought the humming was important. I thought the humming was important.
SPEAKER_01:You've just shut off your brain long enough to meditate.
SPEAKER_02:It's practical. That is part I think that is like you can't shut it off, but that is perhaps the whole thing of meditation is learning to worry about shutting your brain off.
SPEAKER_01:Turn my brain off.
SPEAKER_02:Uh but you don't you don't turn your brain off, and I'm let's be real, I'm not like a super expert at it or even been doing it a long time. It's just like the process of sitting there and just kind of letting those things happen without getting attached to it. Do you do that with your head? Why why, Jason? Why? Why why are you trying to say something nice? I'm trying, I'm thinking this is how my brain is moving as I'm thinking.
SPEAKER_03:I'm just trying to learn. I want to learn how to meditate.
SPEAKER_04:You don't, you clearly don't. No, I don't. I I've done it not nearly as much as you, and I I I like when I did it, um, and it's interesting. Like the guided ones of when you first started, the ones I actually started with was the Sam Harris ones, and I like his voice. He's crazy now, apparently. He is lost legitimately crazy, which is frustrating because I liked him, but um, but his voice is like perfect for it. Like it's just like calming, and so but he would do this uh guided meditation, and then his whole thing was like, Yeah, you're supposed to focus on like your breathing and your and that kind of stuff, and think not try not to try to just think about the intaking of breath and the exhaling. Um, and then when you find that your mind will wander, because it will, and you'll start thinking all of a sudden you realize you don't really know it, but you've all of a sudden are thinking about well, tomorrow I gotta do this, and then it's like it's fine, but now when you recognize that your mind has drifted, come back, and so just and then like okay, yeah, well that's weird that I started thinking about that, okay. Back to my breath, and then inhale, exhale, and then it'll continually happen. But I think over the over a period of time, you start um recognizing it quicker that your brain has wandered before you're like three minutes into some spiral that your brain had moved into, and you're like, oh crap, okay, back, and then back to breathing. It's interesting.
SPEAKER_02:It is a skill, you can get better at it, and that's why like when I'm driving and I'm having the rumination in my head, like I finding I can kind of just be like, Oh, no, don't need to do that.
SPEAKER_01:Like, kind of no need to get upset over something that hasn't happened. Uh 100%.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. I don't know. It's been fun. I'm I it I don't know. I'm not gonna beat a dead horse on this, but like is the best that's what we do. Best thing I've done for myself in the last 30 days for sure. Just do it every day. Every morning. Average superior like very strong morning routine right now. Average superior beating dead horses, beating dead horses until they can't get up. Oh no, a dead horse. The dead horse. Well, yeah, probably not. They're dead. Do you want to participate in our next 30-day challenge? Sure. Okay. Fuck yeah, that's a lot better.
SPEAKER_01:My motivation level is pretty high. What are we doing? So let's do it.
SPEAKER_03:We're not doing compliments. Uh you can do compliments. You can do whatever you want. It's your challenge. You know what?
SPEAKER_02:Meditation. Here's the deal.
SPEAKER_03:Meditation. I'm in.
SPEAKER_02:You literally were just making fun of him.
SPEAKER_03:No, I'm in. I'm gonna I'm gonna actually give it a try, not make fun of you.
SPEAKER_02:Did you bring your$50?
SPEAKER_03:Oh, I did not. Did you bring$50?
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Well, he just carries around$50. Here's the deal. He's his own bake.
SPEAKER_01:Well, given the podcast that we just did, I think our challenge should be communicating better with our spouses about what we're doing.
SPEAKER_02:But we need some type of like measurable metric for that.
SPEAKER_04:That's sorry. It has to be daily. Yeah. So that last one that I lost immediately after suggesting it and then not doing it was that basically to identify something in your life. You know that you should be doing it on a daily, you should be doing daily, whether for your mental health or fitness or wellness, whatever the thing is, uh that you haven't been doing and you want to commit to doing is what the last one was. Mine was uh breathing exercises. I didn't I did it twice the whole month. So we're we're doing really well.
SPEAKER_01:The first two days.
SPEAKER_04:Um so there's my fifty, there's my fifty dollars that's on the table just so everyone knows.
SPEAKER_03:I feel like we should charge her more than fifty for doing it twice.
SPEAKER_04:I that was pretty bad. It was dude, it was terrible. So what's better than that?
SPEAKER_01:Where's the money going?
SPEAKER_04:What's uh it's gonna go to the podcast stuff. We're gonna buy coaches eventually.
SPEAKER_02:We're gonna buy each other a coffee. So you gotta put 50 bucks in. I forgot to tell you. Uh so yeah, that's the if you do it for 30 days, you don't have to pay. But if you don't make it 30 days, 50 bucks goes in the podcast. Yeah, what are we doing?
SPEAKER_01:I'm in the city.
SPEAKER_02:So you have to decide what you want to do.
SPEAKER_04:Like it doesn't have to be the same thing. So I see we're not all on the thing. Something that you wish you were doing daily, you're currently not, uh, that you want to add to your routine. And it can be something literally like mine would have taken me 11 minutes, and I still didn't find time to do it. Uh so and it doesn't have to be a long thing, it could take a five-minute thing, could be whatever. So you're doing meditation. Is it is it free?
SPEAKER_03:I can send you a 30-day pass. Yeah, let's do that. And then I'll I I need I need guided because I'm not getting it.
SPEAKER_02:Start with there's actually so the app, the comm app, has a 30-day like intro to meditation course. Okay. It's really good. I think the most is 10 10 minutes a day. Is that that one? 12. Yeah, I could do it with like earbuds in because we're going yeah, and also if I was you, just do it at a point in the day where you have like quiet, uninterrupted time.
SPEAKER_03:I will not make fun of your meditation anymore until I give it 30 days.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, but don't you don't need I don't this one I don't you can make fun of it, but it's for me, it's like checking all my boxes.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, but it checks my boxes to make fun of you. So yeah, because you're a dick.
SPEAKER_04:Or is it so what's your new being an ass.
SPEAKER_03:Being an ass.
SPEAKER_04:So what's yours then? Because if your your meditation is there, you did it, you can't do it again, you you succeeded. Congratulations.
SPEAKER_02:Well, yeah, I'm gonna keep doing it. I have something in mind. I don't know if I'm I was gonna say like I'm gonna call somebody on the phone every day. That's a lot of people. That's all I don't know if I have 30 people I want to talk to. Like, I might start calling the same person again.
SPEAKER_04:Well, you definitely could. Like, I think it could be like a once a week kind of thing.
SPEAKER_02:That's not really the intent of the challenge.
SPEAKER_04:Come back to me. But it I I disagree. I think you could make it your thing. It would just be I want to make a I wanna have a physical, not physical, I want to have a uh communication every single day with somebody that I've either lost touch with or wanna or wanna have that.
SPEAKER_03:And again, does it does a text message count? Like just checking in on somebody, or is it a phone?
SPEAKER_04:You have to talk.
SPEAKER_03:You have to talk to them.
SPEAKER_01:It could be something as small as you like reaching out to somebody instead of texting, just give them a quick call.
SPEAKER_03:But you can't seem to be good for a call first. You can check that box easy.
SPEAKER_04:I'm not saying you should do that. I'm just saying you could make it if you wanted to. Uh Allie, what's yours?
SPEAKER_01:Uh, you know what? I have told myself that I need to do better. I have gotten really bad lately at Doom Scrolling before I go to bed. Um, I need to pick up like a book and read, or even just like an educational or something podcast before I go to bed.
SPEAKER_04:Books.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. I will read every night. Uh every night for 30 days before I go to bed.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, but how long? Are we talking 10 minutes, 10 pages? Pick something specific.
SPEAKER_01:I'm gonna say 10 minutes is ideal for me.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_03:Because you're gonna fall asleep, right?
SPEAKER_01:I get sleepy and I I honestly just struggle. Like I can read, but I my mind wanders so much that I put I I get to the bottom of the page and I'm like, I have no idea what it's like. Yeah, and you gotta go back and then I do the same thing.
SPEAKER_02:So I would say are you gonna do it whereas like, okay, I'm picking up my book, I'm reading, and then now I'm putting my book down and I'm done. Like no phone. Bed, no phone again.
SPEAKER_01:Yes. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that is the goal is to not have screen time.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, so if you pick up your phone again and have screen time after this, isn't it?
SPEAKER_01:No, then I have to do it for none, yeah. No, then you lost in the$50.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, I hit$50 in the pot.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, all right. That's what I'm gonna do. I need to find a book. Any recommendation? Actually, you know what? My house is covered with so many books on house. Derek has a lot of books. So many. I'll just pick up a book.
SPEAKER_03:You gotta have something. You know, lots of books up. How about whatever you pick? Do it more than twice in 30 days, and that's a win. Cold plunge, cold plunge.
SPEAKER_04:No, I'm not picking that. I won't do it. Um I can't pick the same one because I didn't do it. You can, but what's the point of doing it? If you're just gonna do it twice and put 50 minutes? No, I'm gonna do it. Like if I'm gonna pick it again, I'm gonna do it. Yeah, I don't yeah, I think you can pick it again.
SPEAKER_03:Let's give it to him, but let's make it double. So if he like your second chance, can I do two things?
SPEAKER_04:Can I do two things? So I'll pick I'm worried about you not doing one thing. No, but I think I can do both. So I'm gonna pick the same thing I want to do with my the breathing exercises every day. Okay. Okay. There's 50 bucks. I'm gonna do it. And uh then a hundred push-ups a day. There's another 50 bucks.
SPEAKER_03:That one's easy. What makes it easier is when you add more things to it. Yeah, totally.
SPEAKER_04:100 push-ups a day is I can do. I can do that. Okay. 100 push-ups.
SPEAKER_02:But are you are you paying 50 bucks for each thing if you don't do it?
SPEAKER_03:I think he 100%. Yeah, if he's doing two things. If you're so ambitious, you're gonna pick two. We need furniture. Let's let's give him three things.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, but you're gonna get no money out of me this month because I'm gonna do it. And we're starting August 1st, by the way. So that's an actual natural good start and end. Can you send me that link? I can. I'll send you as soon as we're done.
SPEAKER_02:So am I calling people on the phone?
SPEAKER_04:Is that I don't know. What are you doing? Honestly, I think that that's tough because if you had seven people that you would want to talk to weekly, I think it would be okay. Okay.
SPEAKER_01:I know what I'm gonna do. Okay. You're gonna hug one person a day. Random.
SPEAKER_02:I could do that. A random bundle. This one's gonna be tough for me, and don't make fun of me. I I'm gonna not have a coffee for the first 90 minutes of my day. Good. Okay.
SPEAKER_03:That was gonna be tough.
SPEAKER_01:Is that like the first thing you do?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:It's like literally the first thing you do.
SPEAKER_03:Do you do it pre-meditation? Yeah. I come downstairs and make my coffee. You're probably gonna notice some also.
SPEAKER_02:Like an hour? Um or post-meditation, maybe? 90 minutes. Ninety minutes. From wake up. From wake up. Oh yeah. Yeah, that's gonna be tough. You're gonna sleep good. That's a long time. Sweep? Oof, I don't like that one at all. There it is, people. My favorite part of the day is my coffee first thing. Oh fuck. Do you really want to ruin that? I don't want to ruin that, but I know it would be good for me to not have coffee immediately upon waking up.
SPEAKER_04:Uh let me just recommend again, or not recommend, it's not the right word. Uh if you are listening to this podcast and you want to join us on our 30-day journey during August, which you might be a day late by the time I get this out there, uh, please do. And uh also feel free to send us$50 if you fail. Uh keep yourself accountable, send us$50 and we'll use it to buy furniture or something like that. We should make like a we should make a group chat of people in this challenge. Okay. Okay. Good a good good idea. So if you are if you are want to be in this challenge and you know us personally, talk to us. We'll start a group chat uh for this challenge. If you don't know us personally, but you still want to be in this group chat, we will figure out some sort of like WhatsApp or something to make that work. Uh What if they don't know us? I can't hear you because your mic isn't by your face. What if they don't know us? That's why I just said that. I said if they don't know us, then like oh no, I didn't finish that. No, yeah, if it sorry, if they don't if you don't know us, email us or get all of us that's on social media, average.superior. Um, just average superior. Is it?
SPEAKER_03:I don't know.
SPEAKER_04:No, it isn't. We had this conversation. It's average.superior gmail.
SPEAKER_03:We have a podcast, guys.
SPEAKER_02:It's fun. Hey, you are being no, it's just average superior on Instagram. Gmail. The Gmail has a PM on Instagram.
SPEAKER_04:Gmail has a period.
unknown:I don't know.
SPEAKER_04:Also, guys, if you just yeah, if you check our Instagram account, it probably tells you what our email is.
SPEAKER_03:Hey, you guys, you guys tell us what our email is.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, you tell us. Uh, one more thing before we go. Two more. Uh first of all, thanks for coming back. Thanks for asking me. This is a good conversation. This is a good one. This was a good one.
SPEAKER_01:Can I come back in 30 days to go over this challenge?
SPEAKER_04:September, you're our first guest in September. Sweet. Um excited. Hattie Canyon. Oh, yeah. Uh, tomorrow is in the CrossFit Games again. So uh I know you should not listen to this because she's got things to do. Uh, but just want to say uh good luck. That's super exciting that she's in it. Uh, and we'll be I'll be watching all of it because I watch it every year and you've have more of a reason to watch it now.
SPEAKER_01:Good luck, Hattie.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, good luck. You're gonna do awesome. Cool. That's all I got. Anything?
SPEAKER_02:No, that was what I was gonna say.
SPEAKER_04:Anything?
SPEAKER_02:Thanks for having me.
SPEAKER_01:Everything happens for the city.
SPEAKER_04:And we know he bye.
SPEAKER_03:Bye.
SPEAKER_04:Once again, thanks for listening. If you enjoyed the podcast, share it with a friend and consider heading over to our Instagram at Average Superior, checking the link in the bio, and supporting the show. Have a great night.