How to Quiet the Negative Self Talk

Ready to quiet all the negative self talk and shitty things you say to yourself?

Having the knowledge and skills to quiet the negative in your head will change your life.

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Transcript

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Welcome to the Courtney Gray podcast the show for women who are ready to lose weight permanently, and love their body love the way they feel. And look, I'm going to teach you how to stop overeating and obsessing about food and your weight, so you can be more confident and empowered to then create an even bigger life. I'm life and body coach Courtney Gray. And each week I'm going to be teaching you how losing and maintaining your ideal weight can be so much easier than it's been in the past. In my taking care of you and achieving your health goals. You will live in even more amazing life than the one you have lived so far. Let's get started. Welcome to the podcast number 80. How to quiet the negative self talk. It is an exciting time around here. Let me tell you everything that's going on. Before I dive into the podcast, I am headed out to Nashville for a little under a week. I've never been to Nashville. I'm going there for business I am part of I'm a coach in a big time mastermind that teaches other coaches how to sell and it is going to be so much fun. It's going to be a lot of time in conference rooms and masterminding. It's called a mastermind and breakout sessions and just kind of running and helping them organize the event. But I get to see a bunch of my colleagues that I am so excited to see. And then a bunch of the coaches that I coach in this program that I truly care about so much because I've been working with them, some of them up to a year. So I'm so excited to be going and then I just have to share with you something so cool. So if you've been following along for a while, you know that I choose a word of the year every year. And if this is something you haven't done, you have to do it. And you know what, I don't care. If you haven't chosen a word for this year, we have about six months left in the year, and I give you permission to choose a word of the year something like take a moment to meditate or take a moment to journal and and choose what word is going to like really fill you up and like make your life more more more amazing, more powerful, whatever. So for this year, my word of the year was adventurous. It wasn't necessarily adventure. I wanted to be more adventurous and I swear to god very quickly after choosing that word. All these amazing travel opportunities came up. This is for me in December when I chose this word. It wasn't necessarily travel, not all vacations, but a lot of work travel, which I love. I love work travel. Because I'm building my business. I'm helping people, I'm educating myself, but I'm also having fun at the same time. And usually, for me, when travel and work combined, it means me being around other amazing women, which is my favorite thing ever. So my word of the year this year has been adventurous. And I have created so much adventure in my life this year with my own family with my husband, alone in with my children and with my sister. And with just in so much work stuff too. It's just so exciting. So I just right now booked a trip to Big Sky Montana, I've never been to Montana, I've always wanted to go to Montana. And the icing on the cake is one of my best friends is going to be there as well to this mastermind we're going to and I live, I started crying and she called me and I started crying that she started crying. And we were just so excited because about a month ago, I was like, oh God might might this girlfriend of mine, Heather lives on the East Coast. And I just talked to her very often, but we've only been around each other one time. And I'm like, Ah, I need to be around her physically more. And so then this opportunity came up and I'm just beside myself. So the lesson here my friends is choose a word of the year and let it guide you to creating a bigger life for yourself and go all in on that word. But also know that when you do this, when you make a decision that you want to be more adventurous or maybe you want to be more confident or maybe you want to be more open or loving or whatever it is. Not only do you start to act in accordance with that vision for yourself that word, but I really believe there's something magical that happens in the universe. Like when I got this opportunity from my coach to go to Montana. I said this is feels so magical. But I also want to take ownership that I created this as well. And it's just so ironic that literally a month ago I told my girlfriend Heather i said i We need to see each other what are we doing? And then this happened. So I just I don't know, you know, let me know message me and let me know if this happens to you. I I decide I really want something I start going all in on thinking about it and trying to do all that I can and I and I make things happen and that's what I want for you as well. So what we're going to talk about today is how to quiet the negative self talk. And before I dive into that I want to talk about why why chose the word quiet instead of stop. When I first decided to talk about negative self talk, I was going to say how to stop the negative self talk. And then I thought, I can't say stop, I can't say stop, because I don't know that it ever really stops. And I've had a few clients during coaching calls, say to me, I really just need to stop the negative self talk. And I always tell them, let's quiet it. But if we expect it to stop, we might be waiting around a long time. And if we expect it to stop, then when it's there, what we're telling ourselves is we're doing something wrong, I'm not confident, I shouldn't be having these thoughts. And I just think that's incorrect. I've talked about this so many times on the podcast that I almost feel silly bringing it up again. But I'm going to say, very quickly, that our brain offers us some negative self talk, some negative thoughts on what we're going to do it, it offers us thoughts that produce insecurity, all these things to keep us safe. Because our brain, our primitive brain is at the very basic level trying to keep us surviving. And when we decide we want a bigger life for ourselves, and we start doing bigger things, our brains like, whoa, that's horrible. It's a horrible idea. And then we get insecure, or our brain goes, who do you think you are, and then we feel like a fraud. And it's all just to keep us safe. So in order to go to your next level, some of that negative self talk is going to be there. Now part of the negative self talk, I'm going to talk about these horrible things, especially when you're trying to take your health or take your body to the next level, when you say to yourself, I'm fat, or I'm a mess, I do think in a way that you are still your primitive brain is still trying to keep you safe. But those thoughts feel horrible. So let's try to quiet that negative self talk. And as we learn how to think intentionally, as we learn how to strengthen our self confidence, it will quiet the negative self talk. But for a lot of people, it truly never goes away. And I'd like to think people like Oprah, people like Tony Robbins people that we kind of maybe think to ourselves that have it all together. These thought leaders, they have negative self talk as well, we have to believe that they do so it never truly goes away. And here's one of the analogies I like to tell a lot of my clients when they have some kind of negative self talk that's creating doubt or creating insecurity or creating fears, I tell them that imagine that you're driving in a car. And the negative self talk is like sitting in the car with you. Or maybe it's driving the car with you, like you feel very connected to it, that it's in front of you, and it's driving the car, let's like put the negative self talk, like in the passenger seat, it's there. But we're not letting it drive. And then when you get better and better practicing, allowing a little bit of negative self talk, but intentionally thinking choosing some more positive thoughts, you want to think then we can move those negative thoughts. negative self talk to the back seat, we know it's still back there, it might be shouting at us go left, go right, you're a mess. But it's in the back seat. And we are driving the car, we are deciding whose passenger we are deciding who's going to turn on and off the music. So that's the way I like to think about quieting the negative self talk. So the first thing you can do to quiet your negative self talk is just have awareness, awareness that it's normal awareness, especially that it's normal for you, because I'm imagining that you've been saying these things to yourself for a very long time. And a lot of times these things become wrote a lot of times we say the same things to ourselves over and over again. So have awareness. What is it you say to yourself, take a minute, pause this if you need to? What are the things you say to yourself kind of on repeat? You've possibly been saying those for a long time? And what are they? And I know for me in my past, one of the negative things I've told myself is you're not good enough. Not good enough in terms of my body. I used to say not good enough. And then in terms of working on I haven't I'm not doing enough, it's a lot of a not enough Ness. And so what do you say on repeat to yourself, become aware of it? And one of the things that happens when you become aware of it, then when we say it, it's not so shocking. We can use that of course strategy I've talked about where you can say of course, right? Of course I'm saying this to myself again, I've been saying this to myself for so long, but I want you to then after becoming aware of what it is you are saying and maybe take a moment and write down the different things you say to yourself. Maybe when you go into your closet, you say a certain thing. Maybe when you sit down to eat or go for seconds. You say another thing, maybe every night before you go to bed as you put your pajamas on you say a certain thing. Maybe When you put your swimsuit on you say certain thing come up with all these things you say, become aware, then figure out, how does that make you feel? And besides just saying it makes me feel shitty, like, really? How does it make you feel? When I would say to myself, you haven't done enough, I would feel insecure. And I would feel like almost fearful like as if my dreams weren't going to come true, because I was not doing enough, it would make me feel panicky. So really figure out how it makes you feel, again, pause this if you have to, and do this work? How does it make you feel? When you go into your closet? And you say nothing looks good on me? How does that feel? Shitty might be come up for you. But figure out how does it make you feel? And in addition to naming it, where do you feel that feeling in your body, and this is important work? It might sound kind of woowoo to you. But this work has been a game changer for me. I never used to be much of a feeler and my coach finally called me out and said, Courtney, how does it feel? And I said, I just don't love it. And she said, No, how does it feel in your body, and I'm like, Okay, and so I sat for a minute, and I really figured out how it feels, you want to be able to actually say I feel this in my chest, or I feel it behind my eyes, or I feel it in my neck, and it feels hot, it feels tight, whatever it's very important to associate what you say to yourself, name, how it feels, and be able to feel it in your body. And part of the reason why that's so important is sometimes we want to process through these feelings. And that's part of how you process through them. You name them, and you feel them. And what that can help us do is make you realize that it really is just a feeling. Even though you're feeling insecurity, when you you're thinking about going to your next level, you're thinking about doing something big and you feel insecure. If you sit for a moment and say I'm feeling insecure, and I'm feeling it in my my throat and I feel like I'm gonna cry. And you sit for a minute and you allow yourself to feel it. And maybe you allow yourself to cry. If you do that, you realize it is just a feeling. It isn't killing me, I really can handle this, especially if my dreams are on the edge on the other side of allowing this feeling. So it can be really powerful to become aware of how this negativity is affecting your life. So when you figure out how you feel when you think this, how does that feeling affect you? When you feel insecure? Or when you feel shame? I shouldn't be this size. I know a lot of my clients have that thought I should not be the way that I am. I should not look the way I do. I should not be having a hard time getting in and out of a chair, whatever it is, when you acknowledge that, and you decide that that feels shame, how is that shame affecting you? How is it affecting the way you show up for your day? How is it affecting the actions you're taking? Or even more not taking? How is it affecting how you get dressed? How is it affecting how you eat because this is the interesting thing. When we say to ourselves, I should not be this size. And then we feel shame. It doesn't make us eat well, it makes us actually usually turn to food to feel better for the shame. And then after eating that food that we really don't want to be eating, then we feel more shame, and we berate ourselves even more. And it's this vicious cycle, and then that cycle becomes a habit. So can you see how having these thoughts these this negative self talk is affecting your life? Can you see that when you think I shouldn't be the size? And then you feel shame. And then you turn to food because you want to feel better because you feel shame? And you eat something because you think what the fuck? Who cares anyways, right? I'm already this size, I might as well enjoy the one part of my life that's good right now, right and you eat and then you feel more shame. And then you either gain more weight or don't get healthier. And then it negatively affects your life. You're not You're not moving forward. You're you're in this cycle of shame and berating yourself and turning to food to feel better. And it all comes from that thought. So can you see how quieting that thought is so powerful. Here's another thing I want you to do before we learn how to like turn those thoughts around. I want you to not be mad at these thoughts. These thoughts are hardwired and in many ways they've served you again because they have kept you alive. Even though you're probably not as healthy as you'd be. You've been more stressed you've maybe are eating and not at a good weight. Your body's not as healthy. It has kept you alive because your brain has been telling you stay safe. Stay doing what you've always done, don't move around, you're safe in your little bubble. So these thoughts in a weird, primitive way have kept you safe, and really basically surviving, let's not be mad at them. But let's try to quiet them. I want you to own that you have some control over your thoughts, even the ones that feel like you don't have control over them. Many people, especially when I started working with them, they said, they say I just have these thoughts as if they are a victim to them. And I get it, I remember before I understood, thought work and really dove into the world of coaching and how you can change your life understanding the power of your mind, I felt a very victim to them as well. But I want you to know, you do have some control over your thoughts. And once you figure out how these negative thoughts are affecting your life, the results they're producing, you can say to yourself, What is another way to think about this? This is called intentional thinking, What is another way to think about this? And this is hard. Sometimes you might be standing in your closet, I was talking to a client about this just the other day because I remember this. I remember feeling like nothing in my closet fit. And obviously that's not true. It's very dramatic. But you feel that way. Your mind is telling you you shouldn't be the size you're at nothing fits this muffin tops. That's too tight. What pants go with what shirt because I'm trying to hide different areas of my body. I remember what that's like. But what is another way to think about this? If you're thinking nothing looks good on me, is there a way to find something that you actually feel like looks okay on you. If you're saying I'm a mess, could you say to yourself, you know what, I'm not a mess. I'm a little disappointed at where I'm at. But I'm a pretty amazing person. My family thinks I'm great. My partner thinks I'm sexy. Even though I right now I'm not loving where I'm at, see how you can kind of almost poke holes in those nasty negative thoughts and choose some better thoughts and you're kind of just having a conversation with yourself. I'm taking a moment to tell you that I work privately one on one with women to help them lose weight permanently, and create a body they love. This is not a diet program. This is a customized program to teach you how to eat the way you want to eat forever. No more restriction, no more willpower, no more losing weight only to sabotage and then gain it back again. The problem is not you, we women are so hard on ourselves. And we think if we could just get motivated or more determined if we could find the right diet plan or cut out certain foods, we will lose weight and be happy. But the answer is changing your brain and how you think and feel, changing your self image and how you talk to yourself. Learning how to trust yourself. This is how you lose weight permanently. It sounds too good to be true. But I promise you it's not. The work I do with my clients is powerful, exciting and loving. And it's hard work to but the result is change forever. The women I work with are smart and successful in so many areas of their life, they just haven't been able to figure out their body. This is where I come in, head to my website to schedule a consultation. And we can talk about all the details back to the podcast. So what other thoughts could you think instead, now when you do this, you don't want to go from I'm a mass to I'm amazing. And the reason you don't want to do that is you're not going to probably believe I'm amazing. Maybe in some areas of your life, maybe you'll think you're an amazing mother or amazing dog owner or whatever. But I would encourage you to find a thought that's believable. And going from I'm a mess or I'm fat and i i look horrible to I'm amazing is going to be difficult for you to believe we need you to believe a little bit. So take your negative thought and kind of poke holes in it. If you're saying I'm a mess. How might that not be true? Can you believe something else? Can you say I'm not where I want to be. But I'm starting to really understand that I'm ready to go to my next level. Can you see how believing that feels a little better than what I'm a mess would produce for you. If you believe maybe you've been listening to my podcast for a few weeks now and you're actually really liking it. And you're actually like, you know what this, Courtney? She knows what he's talking about. Maybe instead of saying I'm a mess, say you know what? I'm starting to understand myself better. And I think I might be ready to take some new action. So what other intentional thought, could you think instead of I'm a mess, this will quiet that negative self talk. And what happens when you start quieting the negative self talk when you maybe move the negative self talk from in your lap as you're driving the car to the passenger seat and maybe We even say, Hey, you're not allowed to use the radio, you're not allowed to use it, right where they're not necessarily in the back seat yet. But we've now set, you slap the hand when they try to touch the radio. When we start doing that, we get a little more confident, we feel a little bit better. And then when we're in our closet, I love going back to this analogy, when we're in our closet, we say I'm a mess. And then we say, You know what, I'm not really a mess. I've just been doing this for a while, I'm starting to feel hopeful. I think I'm ready to take some new action, maybe you even will come up with some new action you can take that day. Do you see how that leads you to a better result? Can you see how at the end of that day, the day starts in your closet with a negative thought, you come up with a better thought that kind of quiets that negative thought, it leads you to possibly taking even a little bit of action, that's better than the action that you would have taken having a horrible thought, at the end of the day, you will be better off for trying to quiet that negative self talk, here's one thing to consider is this negative self talk pointing you towards something that you want. Now this is some people are going to be like, I don't like this. But this is one of the things I think obviously if we're telling ourselves, we're a hot mess, or we're telling ourselves, we're a nightmare, or we shouldn't be this big, obviously, those are horrible things to say to ourselves. They're things we would never say to our children or people that we love. But sometimes I say to myself, you know, I've been saying this to myself, for three years. Now, I know a lot of times when people talk with me, and on a consult, they'll tell me I've been kind of struggling this for for a few years. So if you say, you know, I've been telling myself that I have been at this weight, like at this height of weight for three years is this negative thing I've been telling myself pointing me towards something I truly want. And I know that I'm being very positive and saying this, but like, sometimes I think we have these negative self talk. And instead of completely trying to eradicate them, we need to look at them and say, hey, if I've been telling myself, I've never been this big, I'm tired of being this big. I'm a mess. What is that telling you you want? It's telling you that you want to do something about it. So should we try to quiet that voice? Yes, we should. Because it makes you feel shitty. It makes you feel insignificant. It makes you feel insecure. It makes you feel unlovable, it makes you feel unworthy. Yes, let's try to quiet it. But before we quiet it, maybe you're ready to take some action. Maybe you're ready to get this done, just consider that as well. And know that when you eventually get better and better every day at coming up with some ways to poke holes in those negative self talks, those negative thoughts, and then come up with some intentional thoughts, you get better at doing this. And one thing you can do is you if you come up with a better way to frame this something more positive to replace the negative self talk. If you come up with one that works for you that day, and it feels a little bit better. And then maybe you put something on in your closet and you're like, you know what, I feel a little better. I feel a little releasing in my body of how I was feeling a few minutes ago, maybe that is a thought you want to have in your back pocket. Maybe it's a thought you want to try to think more often. Maybe it's a thought you want to write down every day, maybe it's a thought you want to practice. So I have this free resource I think I talked about last week, it's pretty new. You can find it everywhere. It's in the show notes. It's on my Instagram, it's on my website as a pop up. It's this. It's this kickstart your weight loss today to do list. And it talks about strategies and mindset on how you can really kickstart and start losing weight today, action you can take today. And one of the things that talks about is the importance of practicing. So make sure you go grab it and you'll you'll get that PDF emailed to you right away. But it talks about the importance of practicing. If you come up with a thought that feels better to you. Then some of the negative self talk you've been saying to yourself over and over again, practice that thought, write it down every day, put it in your phone, put it on a sticky note, put it as a reminder in your phone, start practicing that thought and I'm telling you when you start practicing this better thought you can actually even upgrade that thought as you go along. So if your thought right now is I'm a mess. I keep going back to that one. If your thought is I'm a mess or I've never been this heavy shame on me kind of thought and you choose a new thought like you know what, it's okay. This is a big one that I've actually offered to some clients and they sometimes get quite emotional. It's okay. You in the last year or three years, however long you've been where you're at that you're not happy with. It's okay that you've done this. It's okay that you are where you are. It's okay that when you step on the scale that number that you see It's okay. You're all right, you're still lovable. But you're ready for something more, doesn't that feel better than Shame on you for being at this size. So if that's the thought that give brings you a real a little relief, and like with my clients, when I say that to them, they usually actually get quite emotional. If that's a thought that makes you feel better. Let's practice that thought. Because I'll tell you, if you're ready to lose weight permanently, and if you're ready to do things differently, and really become a different person in the way you think, the way you think about your body, the way you think about your food, the way you think about your habits, it has to come from love, it has to come from a space of, I'm okay, where I'm at right now. But I'm ready to go to my next level. That's where you want to launch. Whatever you want to do for yourself, whether you want to leave your job, leave your partner, leave your weight behind, start from saying, girl, we're okay where we're at. We're okay, we're still lovable, we're still worthy, we're still amazing. We just want more for ourselves. Because we want to be healthier, because we want to live longer, because we want to do it differently than our parents did. Maybe because we want to be an example to our kids. Maybe because we want to feel better, maybe because we want to look better in our swimsuit. But let's do it from a good place. Let's quiet the negative self talk. Let's come up with some more positive self talk. And then let's start our journey, simply for the fact that it just feels so much better. If you're gonna do the hard work, and it is hard work. And it should be hard work. You're growing, you're changing. But if you're gonna do it, let's do it from a place of loving yourself on the way we might as well. And here's what I like to tell my my clients is you're going to lose the weight. You're going to go to your next level, we might as well have a fucking good time on the way. We might as well when you eat the doughnut when you said you weren't going to eat the doughnut, say, Oh, why did I do that? Figure out why you did it do better next time and say we're fine. That is going to lead us to eating better next time than braiding ourselves and allowing the negative self talk to to run rampant in our mind and feel like a victim to it. So go over and get your free kickstart your weight loss today to do list then the bonus is you are now on my email list and I send some good emails, girl, I'm just gonna say, just gonna say I work really hard to send some good emails. And I want to thank you for listening to the podcasts. It means so much to me. I love having you hear. And if you wouldn't mind sharing this with a girlfriend if you have a girlfriend that you've been talking about talking to about bodies and changing and aging and how can we do better shoot her this podcast and say, Hey, you gotta listen to this. It would mean so much to me. I hope you have a great day. Happy Summer still, we're still in summer. Have a great Tuesday. If you are ready to lose weight and keep it off permanently, if you have tried diets and you know they don't work and you're ready for real change. I would love to have a conversation with you. I coach women privately one on one, and I'm currently offering consultations to talk about working together. click my link in the show notes or head to Courtney Gray coaching.com Or you can find me on Instagram at Courtney Gray coaching