The Courtney Gray Podcast
The Courtney Gray Podcast
People Pleasing with Food
Do you people please with food?
Trying to lose weight or even eat healthy around the holidays can be challenging.
And if you put others needs ahead of your own desires to lose weight and be healthy, you are people pleasing.
It is so common, and I am teaching you how to identify it in yourself and stop it so you can reach your goals.
HERE is the link to sign up for my next Free Masterclass- Get Control Over Your Eating
Want to speak with me directly? Schedule a consultation with me HERE
Courtney
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I work 1:1 with women to lose weight permanently, using mindset and strategy. My process is exciting, life changing, and empowering. Join me!
I have 2 bits of Exciting News! I have a NEW podcast called Modern Body Modern Life....here is the link to Listen...
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/welcome-to-the-first-episode/id1720478442?i=1000637985103
And Enrollment is NOW OPEN for my March Group Program, click HERE to find all the details,
Courtney
Welcome to the Courtney Gray podcast the show for women who are ready to lose weight permanently, and love their body love the way they feel. And look, I'm going to teach you how to stop overeating and obsessing about food and your weight, so you can be more confident and empowered to then create an even bigger life. I'm life and body coach Courtney Gray. And each week, I'm going to be teaching you how losing and maintaining your ideal weight can be so much easier than it's been in the past. And by taking care of you and achieving your health goals. You will live in even more amazing life than the one you have lived so far. Let's get started. Welcome to the podcast episode 96 people pleasing with food. Before we get started, I have a new podcast coming. I'm not gonna give you any details. But the details are coming at episode 100. So this is episode 96 out of episode 100 of the Courtney Gray podcast, you are going to get all the details of the new podcast. I'm really, really, really excited about it. And it's going to be it's going to be like this podcast, but on fire. It's going to be amazing. So stay tuned for that. I also just wanted to tell you about my new masterclass that is coming. And I have a sign up the link is in the show notes already for you. It is called get control over your eating masterclass. This one's going to be different than some of the workshops and master classes and webinars I've done before this one's gonna be 30 minutes, or coming in hot with this one. The reason I'm doing 30 MINUTES Is It is a busy time of year. And I want you to start the 30 minutes with me and finish it and I want you to whether you're watching the replay or whether they're at live with me, I want you to get all of the content. And really that's the most powerful way you can learn this work. So I'm going to talk about why you've been struggling with your eating and then I'm going to dive deep and quick into my three step process to get control in the moment of food. If you are sitting there and someone says would you like a cocktail or would you like a piece of pie? Or would whatever food is presented to you that in the moment you're like I kind of want it but I shouldn't and I don't know when I promised I wouldn't have got it looks good and I don't want to hurt their feelings and and the you know, shenanigans and the mind the war that happens in the moment around food, you will feel more in control around that and you'll be able to make a decision in the moment that is in line with your goals, your weight loss goals, your weight maintenance goals, your health goals, your age and goals, all of that. So the signup is in the shownotes. It's also if you're on Instagram, the link is going to be in my bio on Instagram to sign up. This one is this masterclass is going to be on November 30. It's going to be so the Thursday after Thanksgiving 9am Pacific Standard Time. Of course there will be a replay but join me live I'm going to be live coming from my studio presenting this 30 minute powerful, quick, fantastic masterclass, and you will not be live so your camera will not be on. So it's going to be really great. I hope you will join me. So let's talk about people pleasing with food. I see this a lot people, clients and even friends. I've talked to them about people pleasing with food. And I've done it myself, of course. And because we are coming into the holiday season, there's even more food, even more family even more celebrating, and sometimes even more stressed or fixed friction. Sometimes, you know, sometimes we're around family and we're around people at these gatherings that we don't necessarily want to be with all the time. My family is gonna hear this and go is she talking about me? I'm not I love my family. But for a lot of people, for a lot of people, they end up getting together with family and there's a few family members that they don't necessarily want to be around all the time. So there can be even more stress in those situations. So the holidays are wonderful. But the holidays can be more stressful for a lot of reasons for people. So the definition of people pleaser is when you feel the strong urge to please others at your own expense. I'm all for pleasing others out of everyone in the whole world. I love pleasing my four men, my husband and my three kids. I love pleasing them. But I I'm very actively trying to not please them at my own expense which I used to do. It is not an altruistic type of thing to do for other people when you're doing it at your own expense. There can be so many examples of people pleasing. Do you not say what you really are thinking or really want because you don't want to upset someone? Do you eat certain foods because everyone else is eating those foods and you don't want to make any one think that you're better than them. I used to be this way, do you not give your opinion of what you want? Because you want to keep the peace and just kind of go with the flow? Do you like take the cocktail handed to you, when you first walk in, they hand you a cocktail, because everyone else is drinking, and you don't want to hurt the feelings of the person who made you that drink. I had a client long ago really struggle with going to lunch with her girlfriend she had, she had done lunch with her co workers who were her good friends, for years. And then she started working with me and she started losing weight. And of course, they told her how great she looked and how inspiring it was. But then they also made comments about how she was probably judging what they were eating, like, oh, no, I'm gonna be eating this. And you're probably thinking that I shouldn't be eating that. And so she found that she was people pleasing them because she would, she would feel bad, she would end up ordering foods you really didn't want to eat, because she thought if she ordered what she really wanted, you know, for her own health and her own weight loss journey, it would make them feel bad. And so then she would end up ordering something that she didn't want. And then she would be getting mad at herself for kind of putting herself on the back burner. And then on the front burner and how to do both it was it was a lot of coaching, that she eventually really figured out how to do that. But we coached on that a lot. So people pleasing seems like it comes from a sincere, altruistic place one where we want others to be happy. But when we really peel back the layers of people pleasing all people pleasing, it comes from a lack of self esteem, and the desire for approval. And you've heard me say so many times before that losing weight is so much more than weight loss, losing weight is so much more than being in a thinner body. So many times most of the time, when people come to me and we talk on a consultation call, they say I want to lose weight, but I want to feel more confident, I want to lose weight, but I equally want to feel at peace, I want to feel in control. And so that tells us that a lot of times they're not feeling confident. So maybe they do have a lack of self esteem. And they are kind of desiring other people's approval, and putting that in the forefront of what is best for them. Like I'm going to make them happy. So they like me. And that will mean that I'm worthy. Or that means I'm cool. Or that means I can feel good about myself because they feel good about me. And women seem to be particularly prone to people pleasing. And I think it's because historically we are the caretakers of the home and the children. So we have gotten pretty good at putting ourselves last. I'm constantly trying to navigate this, even with my husband and my three boys is how can I love on them? How can I put them their needs very high up on my list while at the same time supporting myself and putting my needs first. When people gather together to eat, which is so often happening around the holidays, people pleasing around food can be a problem. So I want to talk about how to not people, please with food, decide in advance a few things. Number one, decide what you're going to eat in advance. And if this is something you've never done before, I really suggest you giving it a try. And here's what you might be thinking right now is I don't know what's going to be there. I hear this a lot from clients, they say, Well, I don't know what's going to be there. And it really kind of makes them feel confused out of control like this kind of we'll see energy almost like you're delegating responsibility to whoever is going to be serving the food. But what I want to offering and see if you can find some truth in this. First of all, most the time around the holidays, we kind of know what's going to be served. I don't know about you. But I can tell you five things right now that I know are going to be at my Thanksgiving and my Christmas meal. I have Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with my sister in law and her family and my husband's family. Even I could say to myself, I don't I don't really know. I do know, I know my sister in law is from Poland. So we have a lot of Polish dishes. And then of course you incorporate some American traditional food for for those people who don't love the fish and don't love the Portuguese and all of those things. And then I know that my mom's house at Thanksgiving, we are going to have the turkey and the stuffing and our friend Kevin brings delicious cranberry sauce. I bring the cheesecake. I also am making some amazing vegetable dish that I haven't decided on yet. I know my mom is going to make deviled eggs I know. So we kind of do know what's going to be there. But so often our brain wants to go I don't know, as if it is so out of our hands. So the first thing is decide what you're going to eat in advance. And this can look a few different ways. If you really do feel like you might be like Courtney, it's legit I don't know. Okay, so this can look a few different ways up probably know that there's going to be some sort of meat. Are you going to eat the meat? Decide yes or no. And decide how much of a portion you're going to take. There's probably going to be dessert. Are you going to eat dessert? If so how much. And so this is the way I am going to do it. I'll give you like my own example for Thanksgiving. I am going to eat dessert held to the Yes, I am going to eat small portions of two desserts. I am going to eat this delicious cheesecake, I decided on traditional cheesecake with a raspberry swirl on top. Yes, please, my friends make this wonderful cheesecake. And then I'm gonna have a small piece of that. And then I also want a small scoop of my bread pudding. But it's with like sourdough bread. And there's a little bit of cayenne pepper. I think it's cayenne pepper. It is amazing. It's like a Texas french toast bread pudding. It is amazing. So I want both, I'm telling you right now what's going to happen. But in order for me to feel good, at the end of the day, I'm going to have pretty small servings of both, I am going to not have any cheese because my family there's something about the gray family and cheese, we love it in all forms. Cheese doesn't really make me feel good. So I'm just going to not eat the cheese. And then I am going to pretty much eat everything except for I probably won't eat any of the beaded, my mom makes this really delicious, beaded pasta salad. And it's just a lot of sugar. And I just don't need it. And it's not my favorite. My kids love it. My husband loves it, they can have it, I won't eat that. And then everything else is pretty much going to be meat and potatoes and vegetables. And I'm going to eat all that and it's going to be great. So there you go. So what that means for me is if I go and my mom goes, You're not having any of the pasta salad. You're not having any my beet salad. She's not gonna say this, but if she did if she was like, Oh my gosh, you're not having any beet salad. I would just say, Oh, Mom, I love you. But I just, I'm not feeling it today. Or Mom, Oh, I love you. But you know what, I just would rather not eat it. I just want to do something, whatever excuse you want to give for why you don't want to eat it, it doesn't matter. You don't want to do it, and you're a grown ass woman and you get to do whatever you wanted to Okay, or maybe I'm gonna go and someone's gonna say, oh, my gosh, you're not eating any of the cheese. Yeah, you know, it just doesn't I don't I just don't want it. You just decide you're, you are ready to go if people are going to comment on your eating. And so that's going to be number two. No, no, that's actually not number two, I'm getting ahead of myself, I'm going to keep going, you're going to decide what you're going to eat. This can look a lot of different ways. Don't tell yourself you don't know, even if you have to say I don't know exactly what the meat is, or I don't know exactly what this is. But I'm going to eat a small portion and just kind of make a plan for yourself. And then decide why you want to eat this way. I'm taking a moment to tell you that I work privately one on one with women to help them lose weight permanently, and create a body they love. This is not a diet program. This is a customized program to teach you how to eat the way you want to eat forever. No more restriction, no more willpower, no more losing weight only to sabotage and then gain it back again. The problem is not you, we women are so hard on ourselves. And we think if we could just get motivated or more determined if we could find the right diet plan or cut out certain foods, we will lose weight and be happy. But the answer is changing your brain and how you think and feel, changing your self image and how you talk to yourself. Learning how to trust yourself. This is how you lose weight permanently. It sounds too good to be true. But I promise you it's not. The work I do with my clients is powerful, exciting and loving. And it's hard work too. But the result is change forever. The women I work with are smart and successful in so many areas of their life, they just haven't been able to figure out their body. This is where I come in, head to my website to schedule a consultation. And we can talk about all the details back to the podcast. And so I was ahead of myself. But now I'm back on track number two decide why you want to eat this way. And for me the the my eating plan that I just laid out for you really quickly. I eat that way. Most importantly, because I want to feel good at the end of the day. I don't want to be stuffed. Here's another thing I'm not going to drink. And my sister probably won't drink but my mom probably will my husband will my boys will. And they might say hey, do you want to be your head? Do you want this I might take a sip if they have something interesting and they want me to taste it. But I'm not going to drink as I want to feel good. The next day is usually a pretty busy day for me. I might have a bunch of consults. I've opened up my calendar to have consults that day for women who don't want to wait to the end of the year and they really want to meet with me and start talking about losing weight right now. So I added a bunch of consults for that day schedule consults if you'd like but so that is my why I really want to feel good that night and I want to feel good the next day. So number three, decide what you want to make it mean if someone says something to you, if you know you're gonna get some sort of pushback from family if they're gonna say Why aren't you drinking? Or you have to have Pumpkin Pie or, but the deviled eggs are your favorite I make them for you. If we assume those comments are going to come, what do you want to make it mean? And so what I mean is if your sister, if you're like, I know my sister, she's going to say something like, oh my gosh, why aren't you drinking? I thought we were gonna drink together, say to yourself, why do I want to think about her saying that? Because in the moment, we have these automatic thoughts, like she wants me to drink with her. And I'm not. So now she's frustrated with me. She thinks that I think I'm better than her. And then we feel like anxiety because we don't want we love our sister. We don't want her to feel that way. Or if you decide not to have dessert, and someone makes your favorite dessert, and they say what you're not having dessert, and you think, oh my god, they think I'm better than them. I'm hurting their feelings. I'm making them feel bad that they're eating dessert, because I'm not eating dessert. And then we have this anxiety that we're making them feel bad. And sometimes then we people, please, in order to not make them feel bad. But what if your sister could make a comment? Like, what? You should have a drink, it's Thanksgiving. And you could make it mean this, you could make it mean, I'm doing things differently. And people don't like change. A lot of people don't like change. It is a it's a good thought. Or maybe she just loves you. And she wants you to have fun. And she worries that if you're not having a drink or cake or something like that, that you're not having fun. Maybe she thinks you're depriving yourself. Maybe she thinks like, oh, no, you're so beautiful. You don't need to lose weight you should just have maybe she thinks all these things. Can it be okay? Or wait for it? Maybe she is frustrated with you. And although you don't want her to be frustrated with you, what you want more is for you to not be frustrated with yourself. Be on the lookout for using people pleasing as an excuse. There's a difference between people pleasing and using people pleasing as an excuse to eat something delicious in the moment. Okay, so you know, I know me, right? In addition to all of the things our brain is going to be saying to us, right? Think about what your brain says you every day, you deserve an extra piece of pie, oh my gosh, you will be better tomorrow, you should just celebrate. It's a holiday. Oh my god, everyone's supposed to be stuffed on Thanksgiving. You know, your brain is gonna serve you all these thoughts. It's the thoughts they that your brain serves you every day, they're just on steroids, because now you have the perfect excuse. Because it's a holiday, right? So in addition to all of those, you're going to get these thoughts that it's going to make it seem like people pleasing, you're gonna use people pleasing as an excuse, you're going to be like, you know, Aunt Jane made this and she knows I love it, I don't want to hurt her feelings. And because you want it because it's delicious. You're gonna use that as an excuse to ultimately just do what you want in the moment. So make sure you're really aware of that. Make sure you really go what is going on with me. And if you go back to the podcast, where I talk about my three steps to make you feel in control around food, like in the moment, it will help you kind of determine what is really going on in the minute. It's why in that moment, it's why I really tell you, if you're having a moment where you're like should I shouldn't die. Oh, go to the restroom and look at yourself in the mirror and say, am I like going to potentially people please aunt Jane? Because I really feel bad for her. Do I like doing that? Or am I just going to pretend I'm feeling bad for her. Because what I really want is to eat the thing really try to figure out what is really going on. Be on to yourself, and make sure you like your reason for doing whatever you're going to do. Can you see how much of a mental game eating well is. It is a mental game. This is why restrictive diets don't work. So much comes into play. In the way we think about food in the way we think about family. And the way we've done things in the past in the way we were raised eat in the in the way we were raised to do holidays. And the way we were raised to celebrate in the way we were raised to interact with family members. There's so much mental that goes on when it comes to picking something up and putting it in your mouth. I encourage you to do a few things. I encourage you to sign up for my masterclass that's coming in a few weeks, it's going to be a great, powerful 30 minutes. I encourage you to reach out and schedule a consultation if you don't want to wait to the end of the year to start feeling in control and to start getting ahead of this schedule. a free consultation with me. I don't have too many open for Thanksgiving week. I have a lot this week and the week after Thanksgiving because I really want to support you. I'm getting a lot of consults right now. And so I really want to support you and make sure there's times available for you to meet with me and talk about how I can help you lose weight permanently from starting with this mental space and really having you do the work to figure out how to become a woman that is in control around food. You need to change you in order to change the way you eat. And then in order to change your body. Happy Tuesday. Thanks for being here. If you are ready to lose weight and keep it off permanently, if you have tried diets and you know they don't work and you're ready for real change, I would love to have a conversation with you. I coach women privately one on one, and I'm currently offering consultations to talk about working together. click my link in the show notes or head to Courtney Gray coaching.com Or you can find me on Instagram at Courtney Gray coaching