EP54: What Divorced Lead Dads Need To Know

Interview With Drew Soleyn / Dad Coach and Founder of Connected Dads

HOSTED BY PAUL SULLIVAN

Before coaching Dads, Drew Soleyn was a sports coach turned corporate coach. Coaching executives was important but what if the the then-father of three could connect more deeply with Dads? What if he could coach them to learn to lead themselves, and through that to become better fathers and men? His change was informed by his own experience as a father and then a divorced Lead Dad. Listen to Drew talk about the Four A's and the Five P's and other essential tricks of the trade to allow men to be more successful fathers.

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Transcript

00;00;05;03 - 00;00;28;02
Paul Sullivan
Welcome to the Company of dad's podcast. I'm your host, Paul Sullivan. And today my guest is Drew Soleyn, a coach by training who pivoted a few years ago into specifically working with that. He runs Connected Dads, which focuses on the four aides. More about that later. He's a director of Dads Central in Ontario and also the co-host The Dad Central Show.

00;00;28;05 - 00;00;41;02
Paul Sullivan
He's a father to three kids, twin daughters who are nine, and his son, who was seven. He and his partner, who has a 12 year old daughter, are expecting a child in the spring. Drew, welcome to the Company of Dads podcast.

00;00;41;04 - 00;00;44;18
Drew Soleyn
Thanks so much, Paul. It's great to be here. I'm really looking forward to the conversation.

00;00;44;20 - 00;01;09;28
Paul Sullivan
All right. Let's talk about your your your own, dad journey. You did something that, you know, not uncommon, but not easy. You went from, zero kids to twins. What was that like? You know, all of us have to have have a moment where we have to adjust to being parents. And I remember, you know, very well being so, so, so smug and thinking I had this thing figured out.

00;01;09;28 - 00;01;16;20
Paul Sullivan
And then, of course, I did. But that was just with one. What was it like? You know, with with twins going from zero to twins?

00;01;16;22 - 00;01;33;01
Drew Soleyn
Yeah, zero two twins. I think the best way I can describe it before we actually had them was I went and I told my, you know, a couple good friends that, hey, like, not only pregnant or having twins, they basically looked at me and said, you're effed. And I'm like, oh, okay, great. Thanks so much for that.

00;01;33;09 - 00;01;33;28
Paul Sullivan
And then those are.

00;01;34;03 - 00;01;34;16
Drew Soleyn
Those.

00;01;34;18 - 00;01;36;11
Paul Sullivan
Are your friends. Those are your friends.

00;01;36;13 - 00;02;04;25
Drew Soleyn
Your friends, let alone okay. So, you know, didn't necessarily have the best support going into thinking, oh, that's going to be a good time. But, in terms of how I adjusted. So I think we were at the time very fortunate. We had a lot of good support. Both sets of parents were relatively close or made the trips down to be close through that first three months, which most people, as we were getting ready to have, have the twins who had twins, they said, you know, you can't really navigate it the first three months without like help.

00;02;04;26 - 00;02;32;06
Drew Soleyn
It's nearly impossible. And so we were we're fortunate to have some of that. So the adjustment, I think was helped by having that support. And really I was just so overjoyed. We actually had a difficult time. Getting pregnant. So those two plus years were even at the point of going for IVF consult. And we actually went, but we signed up the two days before the appointment that my wife at the time was pregnant.

00;02;32;06 - 00;02;57;23
Drew Soleyn
And so anyway, so it was a surprising, exciting time to know that, oh my goodness. Not only are we now naturally pregnant, but we're actually having twins. Naturally. So that was, you know, overjoyed. And so that joy, still mean maintained even though that it was difficult, to make the transition and but I think that helped us in those hard moments to look at each other and say, can we believe this?

00;02;57;28 - 00;03;27;28
Drew Soleyn
This is kind of a great blessing for us. And so let's keep that in mind. I remember, I think within the first week of having them home, having them in like the cribs and actually asleep, again, somewhat of a little bit of a miracle in those, those first weeks, having them sleeping and just looking at them and being like, wow, it's a surreal moment that these two lives are now ours and they're here and it's I don't know how to accurately describe it, but it was this is a very powerful moment.

00;03;27;28 - 00;03;31;09
Drew Soleyn
And that, I think, in the hard times, gets you through.

00;03;31;11 - 00;03;56;12
Paul Sullivan
When you think about how did it affect your your work, what are you what were you doing professionally at the time to go from again, you know, the joy of being proud to have a wife is praying and then having two kids and being, you know, everybody's overwhelmed, being so overwhelmed. How did you balance, you know, work and and fatherhood, in those, you know, the first couple months or that even that first year?

00;03;56;14 - 00;03;57;16
Paul Sullivan
Yeah.

00;03;57;18 - 00;04;20;04
Drew Soleyn
Well, at first I took some time off, took a few weeks when the twins first came, then went back to work and, I think I at that point had been doing that role for probably six years. And so I felt like I had developed a really good rhythm. And I was able to be, you know, apply that, that rhythm that I had to really be as efficient as possible.

00;04;20;06 - 00;04;22;08
Paul Sullivan
That role being a coach, is that correct? Yeah.

00;04;22;08 - 00;04;50;11
Drew Soleyn
So another role I have at that time, I was I was in college athletics, and so I actually worked as an administrator in, you know, in athletics. And I oversaw, our high performance varsity programs. And so I had established a good, rapport, good understanding, good relationships, and really knew the timelines and deadlines. And I was able to really, focus on getting ahead of those things because, to me, I wanted to spend the time away from work focused on work.

00;04;50;11 - 00;05;06;28
Drew Soleyn
And, they were born in February, which is kind of winding down most of the sports season. So by the time June July rolled around, you know, there wasn't much happening from the I mean, there's more planning, but I was able to navigate, a lot of the administrative load, through that time and or delegate some of it.

00;05;06;28 - 00;05;10;18
Drew Soleyn
So I had really good support from that perspective as well.

00;05;10;21 - 00;05;36;26
Paul Sullivan
Yeah. Listen to this. It sounds like this is, you know, one of the things you talk about with, with lead dads, that organization is, is key. And, you know, calendaring is key, but it sounded like you were in a position in a role where, your job, as much as possible was knowable and you could plan for things as opposed to at home with twins, which was completely, chaos and a no, that is that fair to say that that kind of it's totally.

00;05;36;26 - 00;05;38;07
Drew Soleyn
Fair to say. Yeah.

00;05;38;10 - 00;05;55;26
Paul Sullivan
So but then what happened then, you know what? You make it for the through the first three months, you make it through the first, you know, almost two years, then you have a third child. What what was it like that you miss the chaos, is that it? You wanted to see what would happen when you. You threw a boy into the mix with with with twin girls?

00;05;55;28 - 00;06;13;06
Drew Soleyn
Yeah. Absolutely not. Well, you know what? It was interesting. I remember my twins being about a year. Year, and a half old and they were starting, you know, they start to get more active, more involved. They're freer. Like they can go and do things getting into trouble, and that can be challenging. But I actually missed that like early baby stage.

00;06;13;06 - 00;06;19;23
Drew Soleyn
And I remember those times when you just like, pick them and hold them and cuddle and they wouldn't go anywhere. They wouldn't do anything. That's not really happening. And so come.

00;06;19;23 - 00;06;23;24
Paul Sullivan
On, drew, you're a big, strong guy. You can still pick up the nine year old and the seven year I have.

00;06;23;24 - 00;06;47;20
Drew Soleyn
No, I still do. They're all over me all the time. Daddy we going to play horses. So yes, it still happens. But you know, for me I think, I always wanted to have a son and, it's not like we were consciously not trying as I were consciously trying. But when I found out that, my wife was pregnant again, it just felt like another huge blessing.

00;06;47;20 - 00;07;05;22
Drew Soleyn
And so we didn't find out until he was born, because we just went for the surprise. And finally it was a son. And so, it was just, it was the next evolution of our family, I think, at that point in time. And that's just that's just what I meant. And it prompted some changes for me, prompted some changes for my wife at the time.

00;07;05;24 - 00;07;24;07
Drew Soleyn
And, you know, change usually requires a lot of work and effort and some sometimes the unexpected. And so, I mean, it was the reason was really it's just life evolving and happening. And we enjoyed twins. We enjoyed they just being parents. And so let's continue growing our family.

00;07;24;09 - 00;07;53;14
Paul Sullivan
Talk to me about the decision you made professionally, the change you made professionally. You've got these years under your belt, as a father, but also as a as a athletic coach. But then it was about 2019, pre-pandemic. You decided to go out on your own and be a coach specifically for dad. So talk to me about how, your work in athletics and also your experience as a father, inform that decision and continue to inform the work you're doing with other fathers.

00;07;53;17 - 00;08;18;01
Drew Soleyn
That's a great question. I think, really, the roots of that come from my own childhood experience. So when I was three, I was abducted by my biological father. And so for four years, I was with him as he essentially ran from, you know, the law ran from my mom. You know, we lived in New York City, we lived in Jamaica, we lived in Saint Louis, Missouri, and all that time, my mom was basically trying to get me home because she had custody.

00;08;18;03 - 00;08;20;08
Drew Soleyn
So, that, you know.

00;08;20;11 - 00;08;22;14
Paul Sullivan
Did you know it was going on to.

00;08;22;16 - 00;08;42;09
Drew Soleyn
For you as a child, you know, what's going on? You do, but you don't. Right? Right. So, I mean, I was aware at a certain point in time, probably when I was in, I'd say Jamaica like this. Where's my mom? I don't know where she is. I'm just here with my dad. And then this whole time. So you just.

00;08;42;12 - 00;08;46;19
Drew Soleyn
This is life. You don't really know any. I didn't know any different. I guess at that point in time.

00;08;46;21 - 00;08;49;12
Paul Sullivan
And so you ask him, did you ask your dad like, where's mom?

00;08;49;12 - 00;09;09;19
Drew Soleyn
Or I don't know, you don't know, I don't I don't consciously remember asking him. Yeah. I just remember experiencing, you know, this, this new life without my mom and I, you know, I don't have that many members. I have few select events I remember from probably like three till five and then a little bit more of like six and seven in Saint Louis.

00;09;09;22 - 00;09;26;22
Drew Soleyn
Right. Which is where we lived. So that experience and then with getting returned to my mom legally, she got the laws changed in the state of Missouri, with the help of two amazing people. And then basically, the state came, seized me. I spent three days in foster homes while they were sorting out the stuff in court.

00;09;26;24 - 00;09;40;11
Drew Soleyn
And next thing you know, I'm in reintroduce this woman who I vaguely recognized, as my mom, but I was. I didn't know her. Okay. And so then I returned home. And so then I spent the next, you know, however many years growing up, and,

00;09;40;13 - 00;10;02;11
Paul Sullivan
But you returned home to a place that was your home before you abducted. But do you have any memories? Because from 3 to 7, I mean, New York, Jamaica, Saint Louis, I mean, like you couldn't be three more different, you know, places. So you're this Canadian who's been kind of moving around, then you go back and then I presume your father is your biological father is in jail for doing this?

00;10;02;13 - 00;10;32;12
Drew Soleyn
No, he didn't, there were no laws about child parent child abduction. Back in 1983 when all this happened. And so and also, ultimately, my mom chose when the authorities came to her afterwards, not to press any charges. So, she that was, it was move on with life, essentially. Yeah. So, no. So that didn't I don't have my father.

00;10;32;14 - 00;10;35;04
Drew Soleyn
Yeah. So like, so that excuse,

00;10;35;07 - 00;10;37;24
Paul Sullivan
It's clear that experience and how it informed what you're going to do as of.

00;10;37;29 - 00;10;55;15
Drew Soleyn
Right. So that experience and then growing up, you know, have feeling as void as much as my father did that, I mean, he still loved me, imperfectly as as most parents are. And I still long to have my father in my life. I wanted him to see me play sports. I wanted him to be on the sidelines.

00;10;55;15 - 00;11;16;03
Drew Soleyn
And you see him. I'm proud of you, son. I wanted all of those things. I had a wonderful stepfather came to life from the time I was ten, but I still wanted my father. And so when I was becoming a father, I just felt this strong passion and desire to be the best father I could be and change the experience for my children.

00;11;16;05 - 00;11;38;20
Drew Soleyn
Then what I experience. And so I think, to get to the answer to your actual first question, is that whole journey that started way back when really came to a head in boots after my son was born, and it got really difficult. The relationship became very difficult. There are a couple deaths in our family and there was, move to a new home.

00;11;38;24 - 00;11;59;11
Drew Soleyn
There was, my wife selling her business, having to come up with a whole new identity. There was so many significant life challenges that I just I did everything I could to hold the family and hold the relationship, hold everything together. It just warming out, and I saw everything happening around me. That wasn't the way that I wanted to be or that I hoped.

00;11;59;11 - 00;12;26;11
Drew Soleyn
It's me. And so out of that pain and struggle, I. I just dug deeper into this idea of, well, like, how am I going to make this reality come true? And I know that I can't do it on my own. So part of my thought was, the more that I connect with like minded men who are ahead of me, maybe, or who are, you know, doing the things through these type of challenges that I may not be able to do, the better that will all be.

00;12;26;14 - 00;12;46;10
Drew Soleyn
And so and plus and I had a passion for leadership and developing leaders. And I become part of the Maxwell leadership program, where I'm coaching and training people in how to lead. And so I thought, well, where is it more important to lead that then at all? Yeah, first leading yourself first, then leading at home and then leaving in the rest of your life.

00;12;46;13 - 00;12;59;05
Drew Soleyn
And so that's really the genesis of how I came to, you know, create connected dads, which then led to a lot of the other things in parameter, you know, where we are today, as far as, you know, what what I'm doing.

00;12;59;07 - 00;13;21;01
Paul Sullivan
And what was that like for you sort of identity wise to go from, you know, the world of athletics or the worlds of training, you know, leader presumably in the corporate setting to essentially, you know, focusing on, on, on fathers and getting them to acknowledge the, the, the need to, to reach out to the other men to get advice.

00;13;21;01 - 00;13;43;10
Paul Sullivan
You know, I always joke about I've only watched the movie at age 13, so I would like to see, you know, how does the movie keep going? That's how you learn. Like we can look back and give advice to people, younger kids. But how did that how did that work? And, you know, talk to me about some of the breakthroughs you made in in coaching men who really warm to the idea of fatherhood as a, as a team sport.

00;13;43;12 - 00;13;46;14
Drew Soleyn
Yeah. Well, that's a great term. Fatherhood is a team sport.

00;13;46;16 - 00;13;59;08
Paul Sullivan
But when you're coaching fathers and men to be, you know, leaders of themselves and leaders of their families, you know, I'd love to know about some, some breakthrough moments that, that you remember from, from those early days have connected that.

00;13;59;09 - 00;14;24;28
Drew Soleyn
Yeah, I think most of the breakthrough moments really come over the shared connection, of like what it's like to either fail as a dad and feel the pain that that failure and really not want that, happen in your life or, through a shared experience of, you know, we're really going through this hard time. But here's what's actually, you know, gotten me through.

00;14;25;00 - 00;14;46;08
Drew Soleyn
And they can really relate to the fact that it's been so hard on my guy. It's hard for me as well. So I think the breakthrough is that bringing real conversations to the table when most men are socialized to just not talk about, not deal with it and just like, suck it up and make it through. And so that, to me, is where the real powerful moments come in and the like, you know what?

00;14;46;08 - 00;15;06;18
Drew Soleyn
I'm actually that's the some the same thing that I go through, but I never know anyone else is going through that. And so okay, it's okay for me to actually maybe feel some of these feelings and, and then be able to have a practical, way forward. And that's how we built some of the content and how we, have the conversations on that central show.

00;15;06;20 - 00;15;21;15
Paul Sullivan
Yeah. But looking at how does it work better? On a one on one, you and a and a dad that that type of relationship or did it work better in you know that's a like, you know, a team setting you and I don't know half dozen dads, a dozen dads.

00;15;21;17 - 00;15;56;01
Drew Soleyn
I think it works both okay and say one's better than the other. I think the, ability to have group can be very powerful. And can, you know, allow deeper relationships to form among more men. The benefit of the one on one is that there's you may be a little bit more, safety and security for somebody who's really not willing to share in a group format or, you know, or really needs to be challenged but not challenged in front of anyone else where they're not going to be able to be respond to the challenge in a productive, constructive way.

00;15;56;01 - 00;16;02;13
Drew Soleyn
They're gonna respond in a negative way. And so that's there's some unique elements of both can be very beneficial.

00;16;02;15 - 00;16;12;04
Paul Sullivan
I can't let you can't pivot to the next subject without you talking about the the four A's. What are they? And, how do you apply them?

00;16;12;07 - 00;16;40;08
Drew Soleyn
Yeah. Forays are, you know, after going through my own challenges, figuring out my own coaching style, my own coaching class, but also, really, what what brings change? Like what creates the transformation, looking to support people in in achieving. And that's what they're. So the phrase are awareness, alignment activation and accountability. And so I'll go through and so awareness is you know, John Maxwell's quote is, you know, you must know yourself to grow yourself.

00;16;40;10 - 00;16;58;28
Drew Soleyn
So if you don't know and understand yourself, your skills, your strengths, you I've got these this thing, you know, the five P's would you know, what are your priorities, which personality? You know some of those. The elements need to be understood. And then from there, then you create alignment between your who you are.

00;16;59;02 - 00;17;01;27
Paul Sullivan
And who you are as a human in this, what you are capable of and.

00;17;01;27 - 00;17;21;26
Drew Soleyn
What matters to you. And you create alignment in terms of your decisions. You align your actions, your thoughts, your ideas with the goals and aspirations that you're wanting to achieve. Because. And that starts from awareness. So you got to see it first. Then you got, okay, where do I put the pieces in place? And then you have to act.

00;17;22;01 - 00;17;42;20
Drew Soleyn
When I say activation is really about thoughts, you know, thoughts are really the drivers of feelings, and feelings are how we all make decisions despite the most logical, rational person. There's always emotion that drives. That's why that's what marketers know. That's why they tap into emotion to sell you stuff. Because that's how everyone makes decisions. And so. But that all starts with the right.

00;17;42;21 - 00;17;49;08
Paul Sullivan
Have you been looking at my Instagram account over my shoulder? And why buy all this golf merchandise in the dead of winter? Do you know that.

00;17;49;09 - 00;18;15;19
Drew Soleyn
You're the their ideal customer and they know you so well. And I just tap into that. Yeah. So those and so that's the activation. What are the thoughts that you have. And I think many of the dads that I've worked with they struggle with these self negative negative self-talk and they carry thoughts of I can't do it, I've messed up or you know, this isn't for me or sometimes I have a victim mentality that, you know, well, I never had a dad.

00;18;15;22 - 00;18;37;28
Drew Soleyn
And so they struggle with thinking the right thoughts that are then going to move them forward. And then the last part is accountability. Accountability is, I think, critical as, as I have it on, on the connected Dad site, you know, the American College of Training basically says that when you have a specific accountability goal with one other person, you are 95% more likely to achieve that goal.

00;18;38;00 - 00;18;52;16
Drew Soleyn
Yeah. So when you're able to set a target for yourself and have that accountability with someone else, the chances are you're probably going to get there as opposed to if you just kind of do it on your own. And so that's the whole idea of, you know, coming together in community.

00;18;52;18 - 00;19;03;17
Paul Sullivan
Yeah. In your in the as a good ask in your coaching methodology. Do you, is it a partnering system or buddy system where these dads have a mentor of some sort or are they accountable to.

00;19;03;17 - 00;19;33;10
Drew Soleyn
You know, so the way that I structure is that we help you create your own accountability structure, and then we help you establish what it is you want to be held accountable for. And you can either do that with anyone who's in the group with your coach specifically, or you can identify a part person in your life who is trusted, who is going to be your accountability partner, and then it's about you creating that accountability for yourself because we're not here to hold your hand.

00;19;33;12 - 00;19;48;01
Drew Soleyn
You're not adult. And coaching is about helping an individual identify the strength and resources they have within, not me doing it for them. So that's the philosophy behind the company is it's created, by the individual themselves.

00;19;48;07 - 00;20;13;05
Paul Sullivan
Yeah. Helping people be more inner directed to the goals that they want to accomplish, to be more outer drive to where they need to be told again and again. And that's fascinating. Pivot back to the, you know, personal, you know, seven years your, your married dad and, you know, during the pandemic, 2021, you and your wife separated, you become a separated dad and yeah, company of dads statistics.

00;20;13;05 - 00;20;43;05
Paul Sullivan
You know, 18% of fathers in the United States at least are either divorced, separated, or widowed. So it's a big component of the 25 million men who make up the dads in America. I don't know, need to go into sort of the marriage part, but but talk to me about how it changed your way as a father in the way you're able to to parent and the dating that you're able to do want to you separate it from, from your wife?

00;20;43;07 - 00;21;14;02
Drew Soleyn
Well, fundamentally, it didn't actually change. My parenting, all it did is, I saw the great need that my children had through a time that brought them so much pain and confusion. Yeah. And I needed to, I need some to. To make the most difficult choices I can make, and work as hard as I could for them.

00;21;14;04 - 00;21;37;18
Drew Soleyn
So it really just it just accelerated my, my focus on my kids even more, through that time and through the time that they're still going through. So, it really it's just I'll try and summarize it by saying, I think I'm an even better father now than I was before, and I was a really good father.

00;21;37;18 - 00;21;46;28
Paul Sullivan
That and why do you think that is? Because presumably you don't have them 100% of the time now. So why? Why is it that you feel you're a better father now than you were before?

00;21;47;00 - 00;22;20;20
Drew Soleyn
Because the separation itself freed me from a lot of the, toxicity that was in my life. In my life. And it caused me to go even deeper into, like, this aspect of personal healing. And so, you know, the the most important, thing as a parent is really just to manage yourself. And so if nothing else, I had I was forced even more to dig into the healing myself because of the amount of pain that I was going through.

00;22;20;22 - 00;22;41;06
Drew Soleyn
And, and I knew that I didn't want that to come out onto my kids, because they were innocent. They had nothing to do with this. It wasn't about them at all. And they had no understanding what was going what they were going through. And so I needed to, you know, protect them. And I needed to nurture them, and I needed to guide them.

00;22;41;06 - 00;22;52;26
Drew Soleyn
And I needed to model for them all the things that, a healthy person needs to do to get through adversity. And I was really, I think my priority.

00;22;52;29 - 00;23;10;27
Paul Sullivan
And, you know, we're talking at the very beginning of the year, this this podcast will will air in a couple of weeks time. But, you know, the statistics show people often go through the holidays and divorce, spikes after the holiday. But I guess it's understandable if you if you're having problems and you spend all this time with the person.

00;23;10;27 - 00;23;50;21
Paul Sullivan
Hey, man, maybe I don't do this anymore. When you think about, this post, you know, the early 2023, what advice do you have for, you know, men who either, find themselves as is divorced dads or. I've been divorced dads for a while. This two part question. I've been divorced dads for a while and want to be better, better fathers and and kind of, you know, like, as you said, in your way, like, remove themselves and that toxicity, the separation between, you know, being, an ex-husband and being, a father, you know, when you think of those two things, you know, guys who made find themselves being divorced and guys have been divorced

00;23;50;21 - 00;23;54;18
Paul Sullivan
for a while who want to be better fathers. What are some of the tips that you have for them?

00;23;54;20 - 00;24;21;22
Drew Soleyn
Yeah, well, the really is divorce is just extremely painful. No matter how it happens. I mean, even if you're the most amicable, like, there's a loss in there, you're losing something there, and you've invested a lot, a lot of yourself into that. And so my most important learning for me personally and I think is valuable, is that you have to feel the actual pain.

00;24;21;24 - 00;24;46;25
Drew Soleyn
What you're going through in order to move through it. I think what happens and can be very detrimental is that you, try and ignore it, deny it, stuff it, medicate it. Avoid it, and then you never really get the, the full healing that you need to be able to free yourself and move on in a healthy way with the rest of your life.

00;24;46;27 - 00;25;12;07
Drew Soleyn
So counterintuitive, but like, go through the pain, like feel the pain. I remember many days falling to my knees and having the most painful, like, gut wrenching, like cry. First, because the pain was so intense of what I was going through, the loss of my children or the the the loss of, you know, this vision of a life that I had been working so hard to create it.

00;25;12;14 - 00;25;42;05
Drew Soleyn
It sucked. I hated it. I remember many times yelling out to be like, I never wanted this for my life, but choosing to go through that pain ultimately freed me to be in a much healthier place, to connect with my children when they need me, to not have that pain come out when I'm triggered because my daughter is like their mother, you know, I can just calmly, patiently, lovingly respond to her as opposed to react because I still have that pain locked away.

00;25;42;05 - 00;25;47;04
Drew Soleyn
So to me, that is the most important work. It's not a tip, it's it's the hard work.

00;25;47;04 - 00;25;47;28
Paul Sullivan
Hard work of.

00;25;47;28 - 00;25;54;18
Drew Soleyn
Getting as healthy as you can be, to be able to be your best and for there for other people.

00;25;54;21 - 00;26;12;25
Paul Sullivan
But I mean, obviously getting healthy, that wasn't something that you're able to do in a day, a week, a month. It take time. It's surely something you're still working on now, but your kids need you as a dad and there's only so much you can share with nine year olds and seven year old. And you. You don't want to throw their mom under the bus.

00;26;12;25 - 00;26;25;14
Paul Sullivan
You don't want to be thrown under the bus yourself. How do you you know, sort of almost bifurcate the pain you're feeling as a person and a human with your obligation or your love as a as a father.

00;26;25;17 - 00;26;40;24
Drew Soleyn
You have to get really good at compartmentalizing. You have to get really good at managing yourself in those moments. And you have to understand what you need to be able to not have that happen. Don't get me wrong, it's not going to. I'm not. I wasn't perfect, still not perfect. And there will be moments. But then you got to forgive yourself.

00;26;40;24 - 00;26;56;13
Drew Soleyn
So for me, you know, if I was triggered to be okay, I would recognize it. And then. Okay, I'm. I'm feeling pretty fresh right now. I'm going to walk away. So I walk away, get my head where I need it to be, take a couple deep breaths, whatever technique I needed to not have it come out, I would do.

00;26;56;13 - 00;27;13;14
Drew Soleyn
Sometimes I meant, okay, I could see things aren't going well here. All right, we're going to we're going for a hike. Let's go. We're going for. And getting outside helps me. Getting outside helps the kids. So finding and understanding, you know, things you need to manage yourself, I think from my perspective, are the most valuable.

00;27;13;16 - 00;27;31;21
Paul Sullivan
Yeah. Yeah. And I mean your your fatherhood journey is, is so interesting to me. And it's, it's a, it's a complex one. I mean, you're about to become, a father again to you. You will be, you know, father from your first marriage, you, you, your having you, you and your partner having a baby, due in April.

00;27;31;23 - 00;27;47;06
Paul Sullivan
She has a daughter from, her relationship. That's a lot of fathering. How do you. You know, how have you prepared yourself, for, you know, fathering at different levels for for, you know, five, five children.

00;27;47;09 - 00;27;48;20
Drew Soleyn
You just do it.

00;27;48;23 - 00;27;51;03
Paul Sullivan
It's not a great. It sounds like an Ikea. Yeah.

00;27;51;05 - 00;27;51;28
Drew Soleyn
Yeah, exactly.

00;27;51;29 - 00;27;56;07
Paul Sullivan
Does Nike make shoes for that? Does Nike have. They should do like they should fathering sneakers.

00;27;56;09 - 00;28;16;02
Drew Soleyn
That's that's our new shirt for on that center. Now let's just do it. That's it. Yeah yeah yeah yeah it's it's a fair question. It's all for me. It's all about growth. You know, you you think of the compound interest principle. I know you're a little bit of a wealth guy, right? So, you know, you, you know, you take a penny and you double it for 31 days.

00;28;16;04 - 00;28;33;18
Drew Soleyn
You know how much you get. Well, it's not until the 29 day when it's like, up to 5 million. And then at, like the 30th day, it's like, oh, it's a it's $10 million, but it started as a penny. It's the same type of principle in terms of to prepare myself as a father, I just take the moments or the days and I keep adding to them.

00;28;33;18 - 00;28;50;22
Drew Soleyn
I keep learning, I keep growing, I keep investing, I keep trying because I'm going to keep making mistakes. And so that's really the fundamental approach that I have is just how do I, you know, my, university football coach, number 30, that was me, my football coach, you know, actually in the CFL Hall of Fame, that's Canadian football.

00;28;50;22 - 00;29;09;15
Drew Soleyn
I know, sorry, I'm not I'm not playing Football Hall of Fame. He would say, what can you imagine how good we would be if collectively we each got just 1% better every day? Yeah. And I just take that philosophy and apply it, you know, how do I get 1% better today as a dad? How do I get 1% better today as a husband?

00;29;09;15 - 00;29;20;10
Drew Soleyn
How do I get 1% better today? As you know, a leader, how how do I do that? And it's just that approach for me is how you prepare yourself. You just keep learning and growing.

00;29;20;13 - 00;29;39;21
Paul Sullivan
You know, everybody's career is, is a work in progress. Hopefully we're learning, that's how we grow. But, you know, coaches, it's an obvious, you know, path. It's almost like an apprentice structure. You know, nobody starts out as the, head football coach, the New York Giants. You work your way up from, other things. Can you get there?

00;29;39;24 - 00;30;01;23
Paul Sullivan
You as a coach, a fathers. What have you learned from some of the men who've been on your your fatherhood team, on your squad with you about fathering challenges that you can now apply, to your, your, your soon to be in a blended family. What have they taught you that that you've taken away? Yeah.

00;30;01;25 - 00;30;08;26
Drew Soleyn
I think they've taught me the importance of having fun and not being so serious. They tell me, boy, you're not.

00;30;08;26 - 00;30;15;26
Paul Sullivan
You're not one of those coaches. It doesn't yell at people, right? I that all coaches yell, well, there's no there's fun in football, is there.

00;30;15;29 - 00;30;23;07
Drew Soleyn
A if you go back to the athletic coaching days, I was not a yeller, not the other. However, if I did yell, you knew you, so.

00;30;23;09 - 00;30;23;16
Paul Sullivan
You did.

00;30;23;20 - 00;30;49;01
Drew Soleyn
It. So if nothing else, it was used. Efficiently when I needed it to be effective. So, but, yeah, the importance of patience, and, and that fun piece is, is something that I continually strive and my kids are really great at that. And actually, I was they coach me on it. But yeah, from the other men who are in, you know, the part of the team, they're I actually actively seek out more.

00;30;49;03 - 00;31;08;29
Drew Soleyn
I seek out, you know, people who have strengths and areas that I'm not as strong. You know, those who are, you know, gifted in the area of health and fitness, you know, I kind of seek them out. So, yes, there's the you know, that inner circle, I say of those I can rely on, I can go to, but then it's like, who else is out there learning things, or has things that I can learn from.

00;31;09;06 - 00;31;17;24
Drew Soleyn
And so it's a combination of leverage what I have and find new connections, who can offer value as well and support me. And I can support them, too. Yeah.

00;31;17;29 - 00;31;32;01
Paul Sullivan
This been great. True. Before we go, I talk a bit about D&D central and your work there. What dad Central means for for dads in, in Canada and and also your show. Just talk a bit about what your focus on there.

00;31;32;04 - 00;31;54;09
Drew Soleyn
Yeah. Thanks for that. Well, D&D central, you know, our vision is that there's an involved, active father in every child's life. And, you know, the way we do that is we, we produce, training and resources. So training for those who work with fathers and families. And then we produce resources for fathers specifically on most of, you know, the kind of the fatherhood experience.

00;31;54;09 - 00;32;16;27
Drew Soleyn
And so, you know, we've been built off of research on, positive for positively involved fathers and the impact that has on child development. So really, yes, we're dads. It's all about how do we raise healthy, successful, confident children and dads play a huge role as validated by research. And so our goal is to, you know, spread that message.

00;32;16;27 - 00;32;42;27
Drew Soleyn
I think far and wide the dads make a huge difference. And to encourage, empower dads to step into that role and feel confident in that and also see the reward and benefit for the kids. So that central produces, as you said, resources. And, you know, our newest one is the Dad Central show to podcast, where we, coach dads to be their best, both in their lives, but, especially for their, their kids so that they can help them grow to be confident, successful.

00;32;42;27 - 00;32;59;20
Drew Soleyn
And so, it's really just a, an honor and a privilege to be able to really live my own growth, journey out and then share it with others and or connect and promote it with others. So it's a real, real honor to be able to do that. And so thank you for for this, Paul. I really appreciate it.

00;32;59;22 - 00;33;16;15
Paul Sullivan
All right, I, I lied that was going to be my last question, but I can't let you go. There is such a wealth of knowledge here. How do you think you know, you work with Dad Central or your coaching work with all this? How has the pandemic and the sort of change way that that we as men, as humans, work?

00;33;16;16 - 00;33;25;28
Paul Sullivan
How do you think that's changed, father, or has it changed? Or have you noticed changes to how people are fathering post post-pandemic?

00;33;26;01 - 00;33;53;23
Drew Soleyn
Well, that's a great question. My initial thoughts are it kind of accelerated what I thought was already happening, and it's tied in with this idea of and bear with me as I try and get the right way to capture. But the idea of, I'm not tied to my like, work is my identity. And, you know, the great resignation I see is like, people are starting to reflect, like crisis causes people to reflect.

00;33;53;26 - 00;34;14;11
Drew Soleyn
And then they make decisions. Okay. Is this really in line with what I want or not? And so I think there's been a lot of rethinking of like what matters, what's important. And and so I think that, you know, fathers and then fathers have also been thrust into this being at home, seeing the reality of what maybe their partners have been dealing with for many, many years and they didn't realize it.

00;34;14;14 - 00;34;33;12
Drew Soleyn
So there's some of that reflection that's going on. So I think it's changed. It's it was already starting to happen as far as I think fathers were, you know, feeling this desire to be involved but didn't necessarily have the broader support for it, whereas now I think there's broader support that's tied in with this cultural shift that has been brought on by the pandemic.

00;34;33;12 - 00;34;51;25
Drew Soleyn
So, which is a good thing. It's it's really positive to see more. You know, we see on LinkedIn so many more dads posting photos of, you know, dad with the newborn, dad with the kids, speaking about it from their perspective, the value, like there's just so much more of that. Whereas, you know, before nobody would a nobody even thought about that.

00;34;51;25 - 00;35;09;22
Drew Soleyn
So there's some really positive things happening, I'd say. And I think from our data, you know, dads really care about their fatherhood role and they want to be actively involved parenting. So now if there's more conversation, there's more support, there's more systems in place to actually make that happen. And that's a real wonderful thing.

00;35;09;25 - 00;35;16;03
Paul Sullivan
For the Solon Connected Dads dad central, thank you for being my guest today on the Company of Dads.

00;35;16;03 - 00;35;18;13
Drew Soleyn
Podcast. Thank you Paul.

00;35;18;15 - 00;35;19;08

A real honor.