EP127: How Dads Can Help Their Tweens and Teens: 5 Ways

Interview with Kevin Baker, Leader on Tween and Teenage empowerment

HOSTED BY PAUL SULLIVAN

Tweens can be moody. Teens can be withdrawn. As a father, you have a role to play in helping them through these periods of growth and change. Don't step back, lean in, says Kevin Baker, a thought leader and coach on tween and teen empowerment. Listen to 5 thoughts he has to help all parents.

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Transcript

00;00;00;17 - 00;00;34;15
Kevin Baker
When you're young adult, you're teenager, you're tween, at any age, when they feel that their parent is actually authentically interested in what they're doing and begin to ask questions and get involved, that's when the connection happens. And that a lot of the times, is all it takes, to really get to know who your kiddo is and build that trust.

00;00;34;17 - 00;00;57;23
Paul Sullivan
Welcome to the Company of Dad podcast. After 120 plus episodes, we're doing something different now. I'm still your host, Paul Sullivan, and we're still focused on the dads working moms and how small changes at home or work can have a big impact on their lives. What's new is each episode now promises to deliver actionable advice on some area of concern at home or at work.

00;00;57;26 - 00;01;20;27
Paul Sullivan
Short. Direct. Again. Actionable. Five questions. Five answers. This week, our guest is Kevin Baker, a respected thought leader on tween and teenage empowerment. Today, he's going to give you actionable tips on how parents can help their middle and high school age children thrive. Welcome, Kevin, to the Company of Dads podcast.

00;01;20;29 - 00;01;23;01
Kevin Baker
Thanks, Paul. Great to be here. Thanks for having me.

00;01;23;03 - 00;01;31;10
Paul Sullivan
All right. Question one. What are parents missing when it comes to helping their teens and tweens today?

00;01;31;13 - 00;01;44;12
Kevin Baker
The number one thing parents are missing, are the emotions that their kids are feeling. They need to really be aware of how their kids are feeling. And that's the first step in being able to help them.

00;01;44;15 - 00;01;51;27
Kevin Baker
To realize the emotion. Let the emotion pass. Overcome it. And then really, really fix the issue that they're having.

00;01;52;00 - 00;01;57;05
Paul Sullivan
So are you saying we should all sit down together and, like, watch Inside Out to this Friday night for.

00;01;57;07 - 00;02;23;08
Kevin Baker
That definitely helps. And that's not an official plug, but we'll take it. I think, you know, being able to realize that there are so many emotions, from, you know, being, you know, enthusiastic or overwhelmed or feeling betrayed by a friend or feeling frustrated because you have so much homework and you can't catch up. You know, all these things are our feelings that that the that these young adults and these teenagers are feeling.

00;02;23;08 - 00;02;31;03
Kevin Baker
And when we're able to realize that, hey, this is what they're feeling. That's why they're feeling it. You know, how can we spin that? How can we help them, make them feel better?

00;02;31;06 - 00;02;51;00
Paul Sullivan
All right. Sidebar question here. My my oldest daughter told me I might might be fear in inside Out, too. She said my wife might be sadness. Really? I want it to be ennui. Because you just look so right. What emotion would you be from the Inside Out franchise?

00;02;51;03 - 00;02;57;02
Kevin Baker
You know, I used to be fear. You know, now I think I'm Joy.

00;02;57;04 - 00;02;58;00
Paul Sullivan
You're joy.

00;02;58;02 - 00;02;59;06
Kevin Baker
Wow. I'm joy.

00;02;59;08 - 00;03;01;10
Paul Sullivan
That's big. I like it, okay?

00;03;01;12 - 00;03;02;14
Kevin Baker
Yeah.

00;03;02;17 - 00;03;20;13
Paul Sullivan
Question number two. What can dads in particular do to help their teens and tweens through all of these big, bold emotions, but also through this, this, this period of, extreme growth and change in their lives.

00;03;20;15 - 00;03;41;28
Kevin Baker
The most important thing dads can do is connect. That's that's the number one thing is to sit down and, participate in whatever it is your kiddo or your young adult is interested in. You know, you may you may really, not enjoy sitting down and playing video games, but you have to you have to get into it.

00;03;41;28 - 00;04;09;24
Kevin Baker
You have to start to like it. You have to participate. You have to ask questions. You have to get curious. That's what's going to. That's what's going to cause the connection. When you're young adult, your teenager, your tween, at any age, when they feel that their parent is actually authentically interested in what they're doing and begin to ask questions and get involved, that's when the connection happens.

00;04;09;26 - 00;04;19;07
Kevin Baker
And that a lot of the times, is all it takes, to really get to know who your kiddo is and build that trust.

00;04;19;09 - 00;04;39;08
Paul Sullivan
Okay. I like this, you know, big emotions. We got to connect. But in a question three here, give us some practical strategies. Practical strategies for for the dads who are listening to this and say, okay, you know, I'm picking up a Kevin is thrown down, but how do I go about doing this? This wasn't the example that I had from my own father.

00;04;39;10 - 00;04;43;11
Paul Sullivan
How am I going to do this? Give it. Question three. Give us some practical strategies.

00;04;43;13 - 00;04;51;24
Kevin Baker
Two practical strategies. One is imagine yourself behind your child's eyes.

00;04;51;27 - 00;05;00;04
Kevin Baker
From their perspective. What are they seeing? What are they feeling? What are they thinking?

00;05;00;06 - 00;05;06;20
Kevin Baker
Then you'll really know. You'll really know how to connect with them. And you'll know where their head spaces.

00;05;06;22 - 00;05;12;28
Paul Sullivan
And when you say like being and being their eyes and looking at. Do you mean as they look at you as,

00;05;13;01 - 00;05;21;01
Kevin Baker
How's the current situation in the in the current moment? Okay. Imagine yourself looking at things from their perspective.

00;05;21;03 - 00;05;22;25
Paul Sullivan
Okay. All right. Now, if it wasn't it.

00;05;22;25 - 00;05;24;02
Kevin Baker
And what does it look like to them?

00;05;24;04 - 00;05;28;07
Paul Sullivan
Yeah. And what do I do with that?

00;05;28;09 - 00;05;41;07
Kevin Baker
Yeah, I can realize. Well, now I understand why you might be frustrated. You know, now I understand why you might not want to do your chores or go to school or whatever. The thing is, you know, whatever issue you're having.

00;05;41;09 - 00;05;42;12
Paul Sullivan
Yeah.

00;05;42;15 - 00;05;53;26
Kevin Baker
Yeah. Being able to be present and view things from their perspective is, is the number one tool. I think that people can use to really make a difference.

00;05;53;28 - 00;06;18;17
Paul Sullivan
It I like it. Question for you now. It was a book decades ago, but it takes a village to raise, a kid. So, you know, how can dads work with teachers and coaches and other influential people in the lives of their teens and tweens to help those kids not just get through this period, but but thrive in this period of life?

00;06;18;19 - 00;06;40;24
Kevin Baker
I think helping all those other people in the village get to know who your child is, and helping to get them to understand all the things that you understand with them because you're connecting and because you're getting to know who they are and you're getting to know who they want to be and.

00;06;40;26 - 00;07;12;16
Kevin Baker
Almost in the sense of being your child's lawyer, you know, explain certain things. You know, fight, fight for your kiddo. You know, put them in the best situation possible and and let them, let them experience life, you know, on their own with these coaches. But but filling them in and letting them know all the insights you have on your kiddo can certainly help to, simulate a relationship, you know, a trusted relationship with other adults, whether it be a coach or a teacher.

00;07;12;19 - 00;07;42;26
Kevin Baker
You know, we just went through this, this past week with the start of school. You know, one of my my, my seventh grader, is a very unique individual, and he's a great kid, and he's got some different perceptions of teachers and school and people in the school. And we had to let sort of the team know what, you know, this is this is he's not going to tell you this, but, you know, here are some character traits of our son, and here's how he best connects with people.

00;07;42;28 - 00;08;05;19
Kevin Baker
And, you know, if he seems defiant, you know, and doesn't want to do his work, it's because he doesn't feel connected. And we just had to let them know that, and now they have the tool. They have the, the, the knowledge of. Okay. So like I right there, I need to figure out, you know, what, what he likes to do, you know, or what, what his favorite instrument is or video game or sports team or whatever it is, whatever it is that can make that connection.

00;08;05;21 - 00;08;24;16
Paul Sullivan
I love that because it's so much easier to give. You know, those teachers as coaches, that team as you call it, give them the heads up and say like, hey, this, you may see this. Then after the fact, which could take two, 3 or 4 months, you know, a teacher, an administrator coming to you and say, hey, look, we're having this, this problem.

00;08;24;16 - 00;08;58;21
Paul Sullivan
So I really like the proactive nature of that there. Question five. You know, we've been talking a lot about, the world at Abitibi. You know, people walking all around. But there's this thing called the digital world. And our kids spend tons of time on their iPhones and their tablets. What would have you, you know, what are the top things dads need to know right now to empower their tweens and teens in in this digital world?

00;08;58;23 - 00;09;36;06
Kevin Baker
Does need to know that it's their responsibility to teach their kids that what they're seeing online, on social media is not real. It's not real life. It might as well be a movie. You know, it's not. It's smoke and mirrors is a top 1% of people's lives. Like it's not real. It's entertainment. And don't for one second think that because this person is on a yacht in, you know, the crystal blue waters, drinking champagne all the time, that like, you're never going to make it because that's not real.

00;09;36;08 - 00;09;52;04
Kevin Baker
And and that's the number one thoughts that the kids have is they see the stuff, they get the FOMO, and then they're like, oh, I'm never going to make it, you know? I'm never going to get there. I'm not good enough, you know? And that's when the negative recurring thoughts start happening and that, that that's causing big problems.

00;09;52;07 - 00;10;23;27
Kevin Baker
So I think building awareness that, hey, this stuff, you like it. That's cool. It's not my thing. I like to watch, you know, full form, not shorts. Whatever. Yeah. But it's not real. And if you can use your time on the device to actually act proactively and, you know, learn something about something you're curious about, you want to learn how to throw a curveball, you know, let's figure out how to throw a curveball, you know, and maybe we'll watch the Savannah bananas along the way and we'll have fun.

00;10;23;27 - 00;10;40;11
Kevin Baker
And, you know, we'll make some jokes about it. And that's and that's how you connect. But but really building that awareness that all this stuff is, is just, it's not real and it's fabricated. And, you know, it's really it's just they're they're trying to sell you stuff.

00;10;40;13 - 00;11;05;22
Paul Sullivan
But the Savannah bananas are real and they're all they are real. And then they're awesome. Most incredible uniforms ever. So we can all agree on that. Kevin the Baker, respected thought leader on tween and teenage empowerment. Thank you for joining me today on the Company of Dads podcast. Last question how can people find you and, seek out your advice and counsel?

00;11;05;24 - 00;11;24;14
Kevin Baker
They can find me a life coach. Kevin.com. On Instagram at life coach Kevin and on Facebook at teen life coach. And, we can set up a consultation call, see what's going on with your kiddo. Talk about the program, talk about the results that you're looking to see, and then we can build a customized program to to get those results.

00;11;24;16 - 00;11;28;12
Paul Sullivan
Kevin Baker, thank you again. I really appreciate your time.

00;11;28;15 - 00;11;30;18
Kevin Baker
Thank you. Paul. Have a good day.

00;11;30;20 - 00;11;55;29
Paul Sullivan
Thank you for listening to the company of that podcast. I also want to thank the people who make this podcast and everything else that we do with the company of dads possible. Hell, they're mirror images. Our audio producer, Lynsey Decker handles all of our social media. Terry Brennan, who's helping us with the newsletter and audience acquisition, Emily Servin, who is our web maestro, and of course, Evan Roosevelt, who's working side by side with me.

00;11;55;29 - 00;12;13;21
Paul Sullivan
And many of the things that we do here at The Company of Dads. It's a great team. And we're we're just trying to bring you the best in fatherhood. Remember, the one stop shop for everything is our newsletter, the dad. Sign up at the Company of dads.com backslash. The dad. Thank you again for listening.