Let's Reduce Your Stress And Find Self-Compassion [Pause 70]

In this episode, Dr. Kimber returns from a break - both intentional and unintentional - to reflect on lessons learned from a difficult business decision. 

She explores the neuroscience of the nervous system, offers grounding practices for regulation, and guides listeners through mindful breathing and gratitude exercises. 

Featured is a contemplative reading from Mary Oliver's poem, "Messenger," inviting self-reflection and presence.

Check out past episodes and more information here: https://www.drkimber.net/podcast-info

Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for treatment by a healthcare or mental health professional.  This content is created for education and entertainment purposes only.

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Book: Still: Making A Whole When Parts Go Missing

Transcript

0:06

Welcome to an episode of I thought I was over this. I am Dr. Kimber Del Vallier, a licensed clinical psychologist, a somatic experiencing practitioner and a lover of nature and being outside. And I'm so glad you're here. Every episode I, I dive into some of the neuroscience, discuss what's happening with your nervous system, and we really practice getting regulated. That is my hope for these episodes is that you learn more about your own nervous system, which includes your mind and also your body, your sensations that come up and grab hold of that limbic system and then enter into that reflective brain that has you acting. And if you have been following me for a while, you know I have taken a break and part of that break was intentional and part of that break was unintentional as I had a lot of things kind of blow up metaphorically for me as I made a bad hiring choice and really had to learn a lot and have had to learn a lot about myself and how I got myself in that position, how I am a classic over functioner. And that really made me eliminate or disregard red flags or being more cautious. I made this decision as a result of really good things that were going on in my life and I just wanted some help. And I had the story in my mind of I am teeing this person up to help me and for us both to be successful at the end of this, right, Successful in terms of my intention of hiring her and what I hoped for, what she was hoping to deliver for me. But what I learned is people have different character structures, people have different definitions of integrity. I learned from a detective. Lying. Lying is, is human nature. You can't sue someone for lying. You can't really protect yourself from lying. And as I got very wise counsel about how to navigate this disastrous decision, I was told by a very wise business person that we call this in entrepreneurship. This is sunk in costs, my friend. Friends, sunken costs. So that's what I'm leaning into of learning from my mistakes. And I have really had to do a deep dive. And as a result of that poor business decision, as if that wasn't enough, the way that she stored some of the passwords that I had given her, which I thought were, you know, very limited to things which I had a double password, which I was didn't know. So lesson number one, for all of those of you who want to be safer in the cybersecurity world, do not use the same password for anything. And some of you, like myself, may even change around things, right? You may use the same words or the same numbers or symbols, but you mix it up. Well, guess what? We are in the world of computers and computers are really fast and they can switch up in every kind of combination. The things that you do, the passwords that you pick. So that would be my tip number one. You gotta. Everything needs to be fresh because we're no longer in the world where it's a person. No, we're dealing with robots going through and trying to gain access to things. So, yeah, it's been a whirlwind, people, and I'm just so grateful to be back in this space. I really have spent a lot of time outdoors away from technology. Oh my goodness. I have gotten rid of so many apps. If you follow me on social media, you know, I've been absent and I have actually never felt better about that. And it's really given me kind of a clean slate of really addressing how much of my phone, the apps included do I want to, to be connected to in my day to day life. So I want to just dive in to help you get regulated, help me get regulated. And one of the ways that we do that is by noticing what's happening in our body. A couple main areas that we hold stress are actually our mouth, our jaw, our forehead, and our hands. And so I just want to invite you to take the tongue off the roof of your mouth to create a slight gap between your top teeth and your bottom teeth and to soften your eyes by really allowing them to be supported by that eye socket and just see, like play with it. Maybe you have no clue what I mean when I say that, but don't jump over it. Right now, in this moment, notice your eyes. Just notice them. What do you notice? If you don't notice anything, blink them. Blink. See, you can notice that. Now if you close your eyes, can you feel the muscles? And that's probably even the wrong word, ligament. Not sure. But soften that and see what happens. For me if I've been strained, you know, around a lot of bright light or maybe even stressed, when I soften my eyes, I actually get some pulsing that happens in my eyelids. So that's really normal. And as you soften your eyes, I invite you to soften your eyebrows and soften that space in between. And one of the things that we practice over at the Fierce and Gentle Community is we put two fingers, our two fingers from both hands and we touch our forehead and we outline all the way down to your chin. So imagine you're making a heart on your face and just lightly touch and what that's doing is sending signals to your nervous system, signals that you're safe, that it's okay to relax. No need in this moment to over function, to worry about situations or dynamics that are in life outside of this podcast. Because in this moment, just like you were at the gym working out, you're training your mind to be flexible. And in this moment, you are safe. And that's what you're sending the message to your body about. Because when we are on high alert all the time, see, we don't realize that we are because it's the norm, right? A fish can never describe water because water in a fish's life, should a fish have a brain that could think like this? Water is a given. And when you have trained your body to be on high alert, well, high alert for you, for your nervous system is like water. It's a given. And we have to mix things up, like pausing, like being here, in order for you to notice something different. Because our nervous system loves the familiar, even if the familiar is stressful and ultimately not great for our nervous system. All roads lead back to efficiency and defaults, unless we intentionally notice things. And so now, as you may be continuing to outline your face, I want to invite you to notice the gift of gravity. Noticing your feet on the ground, if they are. And if you're lying down, just maybe notice your heel connecting to the ground. But if you are standing or seated, I invite you to notice one foot and notice all the area in that foot. So your big toe, your little toe, your outer heel and your inner heel. And on the other foot, your big toe, your little toe, your outer heel and your inner heel. And as you notice the space there, see what happens if you hang out with it, can you make it feel more connected to the ground beneath you? And if you can, it helps. You know, I've settled in on a cellular level. I'm embodying safety. And if you find yourself floating less connected to the ground, if your eyes are closed, I invite you to open your eyes. That means right now your body isn't feeling safe. So wiggle your toes, right? And it's a reminder that what I'm inviting you into is merely that it's an invitation. But you know your body the best, and the idea is to get more settled, more grounding. And if this isn't doing it for you, right, you are getting more unsettled, then stop. Stop listening. Okay? Your body is saying, not, not now, not now. So as we bring our awareness back to our feet and wiggling your toes, just play with even moving your whole foot up and back, kind of rocking, you know, as if you're walking where your heel toe, just play with it gently. Notice what happens, what's different when you move in this way. And then if you're seated again, noticing the gift of gravity, that you're supported, your whole body right now is supported. No effort of your own. And can you take a moment just with your awareness of that, can you feel into that connection between you and what you're sitting on? And again, there's no need to be an expert at this. If you're like, I have no idea what she's saying. Well, that's awareness. That's total awareness. Right now you're there, you're there. And one thing that can help you and can help all of us, what happens if you rock now? What do you notice when you rock back and forth side to side, just using your sits bones, your hips, Just play with that, play with the rhythm. Can you lighten it? Can you make it feel heavier and really connected, right? And then go back, lighten it. See again, you're not gonna come up off the chair. But what happens if you just intend to pull, Let gravity pull you upwards? Because in some ways gravity is this mysterious thing that it takes us into the earth, the core of the earth, but it also pulls us up towards the sky, that there is something so light when our spine is in alignment. And in this moment we're inviting our awareness into our body to have that experience of gravity. So what if you can just touch in to your mind? Is your mind running ahead, wanting you to get to the point, why are we doing this right? Is it, is it in the future needing to know versus allowing you in this moment to really enjoy this connection between you and life on Earth. Gravity is a gift to us. And can you allow your mind to just be paused? Because regardless of what you're going through, anchor points for all of us, in order to bring our best self, in order to be full brained and full bodied and able to give and receive comfort and love and feel our feelings and be outraged and then also come back in to a more regulated state, all of these things requires us to have anchor points or else we get carried away. We can go from burnout into high activation. And we skip enjoyment, we skip the present, we skip where life is happening, where we can feel connected to other people. So keep noticing your body and in this moment notice your breath. And we're gonna do a longer exhale, which really engages Your parasympathetic nervous system, that resting state. But again, I'm, you know, I'm not with you. So you do your own count if this count feels uncomfortable. But we're gonna inhale for six, we're gonna exhale for eight and see if you can experience your ribs getting expanded through your lungs, your lung capacity. Just see, as we take an inhale, can you fill from front to back? And then as you exhale, can you go to the edge of exhale where everything is breathed out? So just again bring your awareness. So I will do a count again. We don't want you, I don't want you to tense up. Point is not about tension. The point is about expansion. So you adjust the count for you if it gets too much or maybe you need to do it a little longer because you've really practiced and have a bigger breath. So we're gonna inhale, two, three, four, five, six. And exhale two, three, four, five million six, seven, eight. Inhale, two, three, four million five, six. And exhale 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Inhale, 2, 3, 4, 5th, 6. And exhale 2,3, 4,5, 6, 7, 8. And then let a breath come in naturally. And just keep up your own rhythm. Keep up your own rhythm. Noticing the inhale and the exhale. Again, ask your mind. In this moment, just ask your mind to notice your breath. If it wanders off, you're coming back back to this place of your breath that's always here for. Again, as your mind wanders off, ask it to come back. It. Keep focusing on your breath. And if it feels too, too hard, just do a little rocking with. Again, in this moment, we're practicing being and using the breath as an anchor, but also respecting if you need something a little more active. And you can do that with movement, you can also do that with count. But really asking your mind to be focusing on what you're asking it to focus on. And that is a really good training. One of the things that we know about our nervous system is in the area of self soothing, in the area of how can I get regulation back myself? The breath is the easiest, fastest way to do that. And so noticing that a longer exhale helps settle your body can be helpful when you feel really dysregulated. There's also box breathing where you do a certain count. I like five. You breathe in, you hold, you breathe in for five, you hold for five, then you breathe out for five. And then you rest at the bottom for five before you inhale again. But again noticing which breath Kind of fits your scenario. Like, is it asking yourself, as you do this breathing exercise, are you feeling more settled or less settled? And that's where you can change it up. Putting a hand on your chest so that you have that tactile feedback of noticing your breath going in and out. And if it's so shallow that you can't feel your hand moving, can you move your hand? What happens if you make that deeper breath? And the idea is you really. We don't want to make a fast breath that can kind of mimic hyper. Ventilating. And that's not what we're going for. Just even in this moment. Right. It could be uncomfortable. Where is she going? Where is she going? What are we doing? Acknowledge those thoughts and come back. I want to embody a turtle right now, as we're all turtles together, just meandering outside, metaphorically. All right, Just imagine if you like the sun. Use your imagination right now. Feel sun on you as you notice your breath and allow yourself in this moment to be a turtle. There's nowhere you need to go quickly. Can you enjoy this journey when. I haven't given you very many cues of where we're going, But I do know when we're stressed, it can take at least 20 minutes to help us get more regulated. So you're doing that work. What we're doing here is backed by science. For any of you who love to make sure that you're being productive, getting regulated is a form of production. So one of my favorite practices, and one that we do every week in the fierce, gentle community, is a practice that I learned from studying some of the ancient or Christian mystic writers. It's a practice called lectio divina. And it's really where you listen to a reading and you're listening for something that stands out, that you kind of have this leap. I've heard it said, you know, glimmer. What? Glimmers? What? Shimmers? What? Yeah, I kind of use it as something that just like, sparks what's sparking you and then even noticing, is there anything that you go, ugh, yuck. Any of those kind of reactions I think are noteworthy. And so I want to invite you. I'm going to read a poem by Mary Oliver from her book Thirst. It's called the Messenger. And I want you, if you so would like this invitation to take note of the words or phrases or phrase that stand out to you in either a positive way or a kind of ooh way, and just take that with you over the next couple days. What Is it inviting you into what is it telling you about this moment in time? And should you want to email me and tell me, I'd love to hear. And my contact information is in the show notes. But here's the poem. My work is loving the world. Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird equal seekers of sweetness. Here the quickening yeast, There the blue plums hear the clam deep in the speckled sand Are my boots old? Is my coat torn? Am I no longer young and still half perfect? Let me keep my mind on what matters, which is my work, which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished. The Phoebe, the delphinium, the sheep in the pasture and the pasture, which is mostly rejoicing since all the ingredients are here, which is gratitude to be given a mind and a heart and these body clothes, a mouth with which to give shouts of joy to the moth and the wren to the sleepy dug up clam, telling them over and over how it is that we live forever. I love the line, the two lines. The sheep in the pasture and the pasture, which is mostly rejoicing since all the ingredients are here. But I hope, my friends, that you feel as if you have taken a moment in which Mary Oliver suggests where you're mostly standing still and learning to be astonished. The gift of gravity, imagining sunshine reigning in your thoughts and allowing them to be present with your life giving body of where your breath, no matter what's going on, no matter what feelings are here, big feelings, anxiety, overwhelm stress. Your breath is a faithful friend. Even if you faint or pass out, right, that's your body's reset, natural reset. So can you feel that in your body right now? Just whatever you're carrying, your breath is a faithful, faithful friend here for you. And I am so grateful that you're here. And should you want a journal prompt, which I always love to give, I invite you to make a list of gratitude. Just make a list. Words, phrases, objects, people, whatever comes to mind. But I want you to pause as you write each thing or each list item. Where in your body do you feel that gratitude? And you have to do gratitude in things that are true, not things you should be grateful for. That never works, so stick to what is true. In some of the darkest, darkest days of my life, I would be actually not feeling gratitude towards the sun because it was too bright. It was too bright for me in my deep sadness. So I didn't have gratitude towards the sun, but I did have gratitude for the songs of the birds that were in my backyard. And for the squirrel that always ran across the power lines daily and so find that thing for you. And I hope your list is life giving because the science behind gratitude is as we can enter into our life holding gratitude. It helps give us a different perspective, it bolsters us, it readies us, it helps us carry what we have to carry right now. So as I wrap up I want you to know that you are a sacred being and you matter. I also just want to encourage you to be seen and I hope that you have comrades around you that can see you. If you'd like to know what events I'm doing or programs I have you can find that out@drkimber.net d r k I m b e r.net and you can always email me and if you go to the website site they'll let you can have fill out that contact. So thank you so much for being here. I'm grateful for you. Take care.