One Last Race Before Dying

In the fourth episode of "30 Years of Running Marathons," Jason D is forced to confront his own mortality as he witnesses the passing of his grandparents. This experience prompts him to question his reasons for running. Is he running for his own personal fulfillment, or has he been running for someone or something else? As he prepares for his last race in honor of his Nan, Jason faces a difficult decision. Will this be his final race, or can he find the motivation to continue running even in the face of loss and adversity?

Thanks for listening. Keep on running.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

The race

Speaker 2: 0:01

Is on .

Speaker 1: 0:10

My last episode concluded with me having graduated from university with first class honors. Unfortunately, that was the only thing I did graduate from university with first class honors because even though I passed my degree in business studies, it was nowhere near first class . I struggled academically, and it was the running that kept me going . My particular university was situated in beautiful countryside , really terrain , so it was really good for training . But unfortunately, I never got round to running the big races like marathons. So, you know , forgive me , um, for maybe missing the odd year from not running a marathon, even though this podcast is titled 30 years of Running Marathons. I was still running 10 K , so I was still running races. Um , but with the workload I was struggling and I just couldn't get round to, to entering the , the big marathons. Um, but this was all to change. I , when I did graduate from university, I managed to get a , it was a , a sales job up north and up in Yorkshire. The countryside was beautiful , yet again , it was hilly terrain and it was really good for training runs. And I had a lovely little place where just literally just out my door there'd be these big hills and really improved my running . But yet again , I was struggling to find any big races to enter. I entered races. I, I entered 10 Ks . Um, and during that year, everything was going fine. So I thought until out in the blue , I was made redundant and I , it came as a big shock to me . So , because I had a base up now up in, in north of the country, I just carried on looking for work. Uh , I was pretty sure I'd , I'd get something else, but then something tragic happened. Um, unfortunately my grandfather passed away. My grandmother was now on her own. So as I was on my own up north, I thought the obvious thing to do was to go down and stay and care for her. And that , that's what I did. I , I , I came back from my grandfather's funeral and it was the running that really helped me deal with the stress. I mean, we talk a lot today about mental health. Back then , it probably wasn't quite prevalent and you didn't talk about it as much as you do now, but I was really suffering, really suffering badly. And , um, my grandmother comes from the old school , uh, where you don't show emotion. So I never saw my grandmother , obviously she , I was really the only person there for her. So, you know, it suited us both, I guess because I was on my own, I , I came down, moved in with her, and I looked after her . I kept a company and it gave me a chance to , to look for a job. And running was literally an outlet for me . It helped me de-stress because I was close to my grandfather. He was like a , a father to me. Um, I'd been living my grandparents office seven years old until my parents and I moved into the house next door . And I was always jumping back across the wall to to see my grandparents . I was very close to them , hit me hard when my grandfather died. So from my house or my nan's house , should I say, I literally had these , the fields opposite . And I would go out running early mornings when nobody was around and just think my grandfather just gave me a chance to clear my head . And that's what happened. But yet again, I, I sort of come full circle because I was struggling again to find work. So two things had really hit me . I lost my grandfather always gave me good advice on, on finding work and what I should do. And my grandmother was a bit more , more laid back , sort of went the flow and probably didn't have , uh, much of the business savvy to offer for me as regards, you know, finding work or employment. But she gave me the emotional , uh, support that I needed. I didn't see from my parents who weren't around. Um, so the running really helped me. And now I was looking to run another marathon, and what came up was half marathon and it a marathon I , I had done before , which listen to my previous podcast , burn Marathon , which is really nice . Two lap course , just 10 minutes , and they do a 10 K marathon. And of course I always go for the bigger race and listen to my previous podcast, you know , I did the , the half and , and it's , it's set in this lovely , uh, private school where the start line is. And um, it's about 500 runners and they got a , a swim pool in the ground you can use afterwards . Um , it's a , a safe two lap course , um, but really well organized and it really is for runners. And by now I was, you know, my running was progressing quite well, so I was no longer a beginner. And I went there full of optimism this race I was gonna run for my grandfather being his memory. And it really gave me motivation. Not do do the training though . I didn't need any motivation to do the training because I was so pent up with stress and frustration thinking now my grand , no , sorry , my grandfather wasn't that old when he died . I was thinking , why , why would this happen to me ? Maybe it's fate , fate that I should come back and look after Nan . And I dunno , they , things happen for a reason, I guess. But he was, you know, he was too young certainly to, to die . And , um, yeah, so getting quite emotional. But yeah, so I , um, really motivated to run this race well. Uh , and even though my nan couldn't come with me and see it , she was in an anticipation to obviously see the medal when I did finish . And , um, I went now to say to Lapa and I was , I was really wound up for it, really hyped up for it . And , uh, I , I did a , a super race. I , I , it was my fastest half mouth and time , um, that I'd done for ages. And it was the best time I picked my time that I'd previous done on this course. And I , I couldn't be happier. I just wish my grandfather had been ran to see the medal. Certainly my nam wasn't , when I raced back , um, home , uh, my was at the window and I opened the door and she was all hugs and smiles and that, and from that day on anybody, she saw she'd be shown off the medal. And I thought to myself, now this is , this is why, this is why I run marathons and half round . Yes , I run it for myself . I run it to get the medal and that , but I wanted to make my nan proud. So my parents weren't around . My parents , uh, they were living abroad. They , they were never that enthusiastic about my running, but, so my grandparents were always were , and while my nan was still alive, I was determined to make the most, because I had slackened off of the university. I hadn't been running the big route . That's not , I'd still be , you know , I'd still be running the 10 Ks and that keeping up the training . But now I have the time and the space and the motive , uh, to do it for my grandfather and to my , and now I was running for , so , um, yeah, I was really hyped up to do some , to do some more races. And I had this , um, marathon that I hadn't done before towards the end of the year . And it was called the , the new Forest marathon. And you could actually camp New Forest , a beautiful place of outstanding beauty down in the south of England . And , uh, they got wild . It's all very scenic and you can actually camp down there. You certainly could before this particular race, which was the new forest marathon. So you could go down there . I hadn't got a car at this point , but I thought , go down on a train and you can actually camp near the , and I'm camped since I was a kid . I thought , wow , that now that , that would be fun . So I bought myself a tent and I set it up in the garden of my nan's place . I could get used to it . And this gave me a target to aim for . And because I never run it before , it wasn't gonna be a lot of runners . I think it was probably , maybe , I dunno , maybe it was thousand , I dunno , more than a few a marathon . So yeah , it says a trail , uh, racially be running, obviously around the , the forest, so it's not road. So it , I know it'd be a beautiful mouse and to run, and I was looking forward to it. But in the meantime, as my training was progressing, I was thinking maybe I can get half marathon in before them , you know, just to , to judge my pace and the half marathon I was looking for , which ideally situated in just before the new marathon was marathon. And in my previous podcast , uh, a royal half marathon, I was going back there back to winter where I'd run the real winter half marathons , I like to call it . And as I said in the previous forecast , it's about 4,000 runners there , and there's real runners atmosphere and it sit on a long walk . Um , you start off , um, just not far from winter castle, you go up to the copper horse statue , do a couple of laps, cross Windsor polar lawns. Um, part of the , the winds great part , part of the place is sometimes where the public don't even get to see . And then you have this terrific, one of the best finishing stretches in the world where you come down towards wind castle. And as I said, previous podcast , it's like a , you come down to the finish like a mirage because the last mile takes from the down slope . You come all the way down and you see the castle in the distance and it's , and and you have lots of crowds at the finish . And it's just , just a great atmosphere like Burnham half , it's a very, very hilly course , um, just, just as hilly. And it can be a very hot day , even though it's , um, you know , it's held in September and , um, yeah , it's , um, a really, really nice race. Um , so this , this , I scheduled in , I thought, okay, could do this one. And , um, so yeah , that's, that's literally what I had planned. Um , before , obviously before , uh, marathon , and obviously you , you can plan for these sins . My training was going well, and I was thinking, yeah, my running's really gonna progress. Now, the only thing that was missing was obviously the , the job I was , I'm pretty sure that was karma . You know, I had a roof over my head. My name was okay at this point, and everything was going fine . Fortunately , um, you can't plan for the unforeseen circumstances, and it , it literally just , just came outta the blue and so, so close after my grandfather dying . And it was, it was real , real shock. And , uh, yeah, ba basically what happened, my , um, my nan had a fall and she banged her head and , um, uh, in layman's terms , she had a bleed on the brain . She went into hospital. And , um, when I first took her in , they said , um, to contact the rest of the family , which I , I didn't have everybody's number on that . I , I just started to panic out . They said, she said , dad has to live . And then she recovered. Then they said they were gonna operate on her, but unfortunately at her age they said it was too risky. Um, so they, they then said to me, they said, oh , in a , in a couple of weeks that the bleed will subside, she'll be fine. Anyway, her parents , um, uh, my parents, sorry, my parents came back from abroad, so her daughter and the son came in and , um, yeah, it was touch and go, but she, she, she was okay. Um, she was up sitting in bed, but then, then she couldn't speak, and then she had trouble speaking and she couldn't say words one minute. She was fine. I mean, she was out the bed, she was sitting in the chair next to the bed the next minute. Um, she was , she was out of it in , in the bed. And , um, she couldn't eat. So I , I would go in a couple of times a day and I, I'd literally try and feed her the , her meals, which she was a good chef at home, so I can understand why, you know, some of the meals she didn't particularly like hospital food . Um , some, some of the broccoli and that the vegetables were really hard and she was suffering and she couldn't really express herself because she couldn't talk. And she always liked to talk. And I could see she was struggling and she was in this frustration within her, I really felt for her. And then just outta the blue , she'd just literally be laying on bed, her eyes shut and that , and , you know , the , the doctor's consultants would come in and say , literally , that was it. She literally got hours and they took us, I remember they took me and the family into, into a small room and said, you know, she, she hasn't got long. Um , just be prepared for it. But I guess they underestimated my nan because she was a fighter. And no , she , she , she didn't go. She , um, even though she, she never got her speaking back, she was fine. And that was after a week, two weeks, and it went on. And because I wasn't working, I was in there every day visiting her . I would cycle to the hospital , take about 20 minutes and go and see , I'd feed her and I was pretty sure she was gonna be alright . And yeah , I put , I , I literally put my faith in God . Um , and this is where my running came in . I would run, I had this new , new running route , which I'd never done before . And it literally started with me . I'd be going into the town center and there was this , this church , and by the church there , there was a , a cross , uh, Jesus Christ on it . Down below you'd have this , uh, candle flickering, and I would literally just go there. Um, I think go saw me early in the morning. I mean, people would walk through the church to get from one , one street to the other , but I'd literally be down on my knees and I'd be praying , praying that my nail would be okay. I had a gold cross , uh, around my neck, which she'd given me once, and it had her name on it, and she was never overly religious. Um, but she had this cross and tied it around my neck . I kissed cross or down on my knees. I was praying you , I was desperate I'd do anything for not to die . And , uh, yeah , I spent a minute or two down there on my knees. I was just , I was now desperate . I looked up at Jesus on the cross and I looked at , at the candles . Um , there was one candle lit and it was just flickering away. And I thought that, that , that gave me hope. That gave me hope. Um, and then I'd go from there and I'd run, I'd run from out the town and I'd go to this place called the , the tha Walk . And it's literally only a couple minutes outta town. And you go there , it runs along the river, and you literally run up these hills . I remember running up to the hill , top of this hill , and the sun was just coming up, just coming up through the clouds. And it's , it was the most heaven experience I've ever felt. It was the closest I've ever felt to God. And I remember as I was running up there , I was looking up into the sky thinking God's up there . And I was just praying that man would be all . And I've always believed in God, but I've never gone to church. I've, you know, I've never prayed daily. But they say a lot of us, whether we're religious or not , or believe in God , when it comes towards the end , or to someone we know towards the end, that's, that's when a lot of us do have faith and start to pray . And I was willing to do anything from an hour . I was even willing to swap places because even though, you know, she was , she was now getting on. She was, she had a good life and she still led , uh, a good life. And she, she had friends. And to be honest, I didn't know what I'd do without her , about her . She was always my, my rock. She was always the one that gave me advice. She was also the one that felt the most alum affection from, I never felt that from my parents, but certainly from my nan I did . And if I lost her for me, the whole world would collapse. But I , but I had faith. I had faith. I was doing my runs every day , praying at the cross and running up into these beautiful hills . And it was just , it was just magical. And I felt God was around me, sun coming through the clouds. I just up high up like that . I felt I'm close to God, God is gonna save my nap . And when I went back the next day , I could see there was improvement . I was like , she was gonna be okay . And this improvement , I was right. She had improved because I remember the, they called the consultant doctors called , uh, the family in , so my, my mother was there who was obviously my nan's daughter and her son were there, and they called us all in and they , they , they basically said, you know, she's, they , they literally, they were saying, they were literally tipping her out . They saying she can't stay here because , you know , it was now coming up to five weeks. And basically they needed the hospital bed. So at first they were thinking they were gonna , she was gonna come home. And I would look after her. Then they thought that'd be too much. Then they thought about hospice, thought about her care home , and obviously this was gonna cost, but you know , she , she had a fairly big house and, and that could be sold. And, you know, obviously my , maybe my , my mom and my uncle wouldn't get as much inherit expected , but , you know , she , she could , they could afford a care home . She'd go there , or they were looking at hospice and that , that was the plan. So I was thinking , well , she's not gonna die . I'm gonna have some more time with her . Um , and that , and that's good . And I was now going off on my runs in the morning. And I remember going to the cross one morning and I was on my knees. I was , I was praying , and the candle , there was this candle in front of Jesus Christ again on the cross. And it was hardly flickering. It's hardly , hardly , hardly , just a , a flame there . And I remember on my knees down praying . And then I , as I got up to look the flame , just literally, it came from a flicker and just this flame emerged like the phoenix from the , as it just came up , this brilliant bright flame . And it just stayed there and flick from as it just , and I thought , that's it . That's God telling me Nan's gonna be right . She's coming back to life. And I never felt so relieved, so , so happy that she was gonna be okay , was gonna be . And I went off the , I could into those hills up the sky , just thanking God. My prayers had been answered. And I went back home, had beautiful breakfast, everything was gonna be all right . Got on my bike , rushed to hospital. And then that's where I already found my family there. They were all huddled around Nan's bed. She was laying there, she was hardly breathing. I was like, what's going on here? And then they told me, they said, she's not got long . And I'm like, how long? And they're like, literally like, could be , could be days. And I was like , yeah , yeah, I've heard this before. She'd been in any five weeks. And they were like, no, they , they , they think this is it . Like , I couldn't , I couldn't believe it . And we were literally , I think it was only a days before I was due to run the winter half marathon a game . And I mean, everybody else seemed to have said their goodbyes to now , but I wasn't saying my goodbyes because I was sure my nan was gonna be okay. But I remember that afternoon, I was just, I held Nan's hand. And even though she was, she was laying on her back, she couldn't speak. Her eyes were shut. I knew she could hear me. She, she squeezed my hand and I said to her, I said, man , I said, you , you've got , you've gotta stay alive for one more race. And I told her, I said, it's the winters half . I ran as a kid, wins half mouth . And I said, you've gotta stay alive , at least to see me get that medal. And I , I even joked with her, I said, because she had got so , so thin now through not not eating . And she looked emancipated . And I , I just , I sort of joked to her , I said , you're so, so light now, I could carry around the course . And she, and she still had the energy to go a little snigger. And I said to her, I said, man , I'm gonna do this for you , but you've to be here to see my medal. This is why I'm doing it . I'm doing it so you can see the medal . You have gotta gotta stay alive for that . So I went and ran the half marathon. Following day, I cycled to the course , and all I had on my mind was nan , I had on my mind all the pain she suffered. And I thought, this is gonna be like , you know , it's gonna be less than , literally less than two hours of , of pain maybe for me, but nowhere near the pain she's suffered , um, during those five weeks. And it had been a painful time for her. And I'm just thinking, you know, the least I can do is do my fastest time ever on this course. And, and that's what I did. I, I had, at the same time I was on the start line, I was thinking, I can't get emotional here. I can't, I've got , I've gotta keep it together. You know, it's what my nan would want. I I can't go crying around the course. 'cause I would stop me from finishing it. And not only had to , I had to finish this race. I had to do the fastest time ever because I was determined to make my proud. And I was looking around at everybody on , on the course , as I said , about four people . And we all run for different reasons. And I was thinking , if only you knew I was running for , but I guess within those runners , there maybe others who had similar stories. But to me this was, this was personal and it was such a beautiful day. The sun had come out for her and it was, it was a heaven day. And I went off on the start line and I just sped up that hill towards a horse . And I wasn't gonna feel outta breath . I was gonna , I was gonna be positive . I wasn't gonna even think that she wasn't gonna make it . I was gonna be professional , I was gonna be professional , and I was gonna stick to my race plan. And that's what I did. Every hill I came up to, I literally looked to the skies and kissed Nan's cross. And I was like, I knew Nan was with me. I felt nan within me as I ran up those hills . It was nan or maybe Nan and combination of God , nan and God was giving the strength to get up this hill , and especially the hill at , which was the biggest lot . It was , I just , I felt I had the power to get up these heels . I didn't feel tired like I normally did man . And maybe God as well was within me . And I felt their presence and heels down people , I didn't care . I knew I could make it. I was on top of that hill and I was going for it. And there was no stopping me. And all I could think about was Nan I was not , not not in a , in a , in a sad way , but in a positive way . I knew she was gonna recover. She was gonna make it. And this would be the first of many medals to add to my existing collection. She'd already seen that, you know, she was gonna be alive to see me win many, many more that she'd already seen me win. And I just took off down the hill and the crowds were cheering me. They were shouting Monroe. I just, I was on fire and I felt like I was running on air. And I came across the line. It was only when I came across the line and it literally hit me what was happening. I literally collapsed on my knees just through the line. I kissed the ground , set a prayer for Nan, kissed across around my neck , looked up to the skies , and that's all I could think of. I was thinking of , Nan was in my own little world. I held back the emotion to all of the race . And now I was literally crying at the finish line . And of course, you know, the marsh were like thinking I injured myself or I was, you know, it was just because a half marathon takes it outta you. But little did they know, and they were trying to usher me on quickly because other runners were coming through. And, but I was just , I'd had it , I'd held up all these emotions , all of the race , and now it just all come out . I guess it was the whole five weeks of emotions. But it didn't stop there. I got my medal as quickly as I could. I mean, once I got to my feet, that was it. I was getting my medal. I was out of here . I was on my bike. I was cycling to that hospital as quickly as I could because I knew that every minute counted. And I wanted to make sure, because I , at the back of my mind, I said , this possibility, maybe she's not gonna make it . And I had to make sure that I was there to see her. And that's what I did. I got on my bike as quickly as I could, and I sprinted off. I've never cycled so fast in my life. And I got to the hospital and family were there, and that didn't look good because the family weren't visiting, visiting all the time. And this was now the afternoon on a Sunday. And they were there and I was thinking, no , something's up. And I could see if by look on their faces. I , I came in into , into the , I came into the room and there she was in bed . And , um, yeah, all the faces told me what I needed to know. I mean, she didn't look any different to be honest. She, she , she wasn't, you know, she wasn't , uh, she wasn't, she , she didn't look any different. I mean, before she was just laying there with her mouth open. I shut. She didn't look any different. I thought maybe they got it wrong. And of course, I couldn't get to speak to any of the doctors or consultants. I was just going wrong . My family said, and my family had always been very pessimistic. They weren't that hopeful . And I always had hope because to me, she meant more than anything, the rest of the family hardly ever saw her. I thought to myself , you never really cared in the latter years to look after her . That's why I looked after her . I'm the one she wants. I'm the one that she's gonna miss and I'm gonna miss her . So I sat down and they , they literally said, you know , this is it . Now this is ours . Anyway , I had my medal, but I wasn't going to do any of this. Now. I waited for all the family to say their goodbyes. And then in the evening, now I was with Nan and I had my medal and she, she, she knew I was there. She, she squeezed my hand . She still , her life in her, even though she couldn't see , she could hear me . I said , I've done , she squeezed . Thank you for staying alive , staying to see the medal. Even though she couldn't really see it , I knew she could see it in her heart.

Speaker 3: 32:02

So I like to think that she stayed alive just long enough. See one final medal of mine from my one final race. And for me, it was my final race. I didn't have any motivation to go on. Now Nan had gone, That was it. I had no more motivation to run for anybody else, or even for me. I thought, I've gone out on a high, I've gone out with one final race for Nan. I like to think she's passed away on that proud memory of me running that final half marathon. And that's why, for me, the winter half marathon will always be a sentimental race for me. I always try to run it every year because it brings back memories of, of my nan and not just bad memories of her passing away that day, but the fact that she had the resilient and the strength to , to stay alive just for those last couple of days, just to see that one more race and that I was there when she squeezed my hand for the last time. I was safe in the knowledge that she had gone away peacefully and calmly in the knowledge that I had done my best for her in that race, my final race. That was it. I wasn't gonna run anymore. I, I didn't want to , um, how can I put it? I didn't want to, you know, upset the apple cart , so to speak. I didn't want to, you know, it was Nan's final race and I felt if I did anymore , it just, it wouldn't be the same. It would be, it wouldn't be right. And the way I was feeling, I mean, I was, I was grieving and I was , I was , I was grieving quite badly. And I, I didn't know I was gonna carry on without my nan. She was my rock. Um, I cared for her, but she'd given me support throughout my life ever since I was seven years old, to be honest. And she'd been more like a mother to me. So now I didn't know how I was gonna carry on and running was the least of my problems. But little did I know in the weeks afterwards that things would get just even worse. And just my whole life was collapsing in on me. And it was, it was the running to actually saved my life. It , it , it really came to my rescue. And , uh, yeah, if hadn't been for the rain , I, I dunno what would've happened to me. Um, but yeah, I mean that , that , that's another story. And I'll, I'll tell you about that on the next episode of 30 years of running marathons.