Strap yourself in - you don't want to miss this. Breanna broke free from the chains of binge eating disorder despite being faced with the trauma of sexual assault, battling Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), fatty liver, prediabetes, and kidney issues .
Listen to her story resilience and her journey towards self-love and acceptance. She found a beacon of hope in my Nourished and Free™ program, and is now equipped with the tools she needs for the rest of her life.
Prepare to be inspired, and good luck NOT feeling deeply moved as you listen to this incredible journey of transformation.
‼️ Explicit content warning: brief discussion of sexual assault and being drugged. No other details beyond that, but still probably shouldn't be played around tiny ears.
TOPICS COVERED 👇
LEARN MORE
🔥 My Signature 4-Month Program, Nourished & Free
📲 Follow me on Instagram (you'll get to know me pretty quickly!)
📖 Check out my Blog for tons of helpful articles
SHOW SOME LOVE
⭐️ Loved this episode? Leave a 5 star rating on Apple podcasts or Spotify (thank you!)
💌 Share this episode with a friend who you think will love it
📌 Subscribe/follow the show so you never miss an episode!
Strap yourself in - you don't want to miss this. Breanna broke free from the chains of binge eating disorder despite being faced with the trauma of sexual assault, battling Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), fatty liver, prediabetes, and kidney issues .
Listen to her story resilience and her journey towards self-love and acceptance. She found a beacon of hope in my Nourished and Free™ program, and is now equipped with the tools she needs for the rest of her life.
Prepare to be inspired, and good luck NOT feeling deeply moved as you listen to this incredible journey of transformation.
‼️ Explicit content warning: brief discussion of sexual assault and being drugged. No other details beyond that, but still probably shouldn't be played around tiny ears.
TOPICS COVERED 👇
LEARN MORE
🔥 My Signature 4-Month Program, Nourished & Free
📲 Follow me on Instagram (you'll get to know me pretty quickly!)
📖 Check out my Blog for tons of helpful articles
SHOW SOME LOVE
⭐️ Loved this episode? Leave a 5 star rating on Apple podcasts or Spotify (thank you!)
💌 Share this episode with a friend who you think will love it
📌 Subscribe/follow the show so you never miss an episode!
Welcome back to the Nourished and free podcast. I'm your host, Michelle Yates, and, if you happen to be new here, I am a registered dietitian and I have my masters in health psychology. So what that means is that I really love working with women who are struggling with Disordered eating and body image struggles, and blend the world of nutrition with the world of psychology, because I truly feel that that is where all the magic happens and where the magic needs to happen in order to overcome things like a damaged relationship with food or struggling with our body image, or things like binge eating disorder, Disorderly eating, chronic dieting all of those things. So today you actually get to hear from one of my amazing clients, breanna, who is just about to finish up her time in my signature program, nourished and Free. See what I did there. I named my podcast the same thing that I named my program Full Circle. Breanna is, like I said, just about to finish her journey and you're going to be blown away by her story.
Michelle:Even if you don't care about ever working with me or care about my program, I promise you you're still gonna want to listen to this episode because you're going to care about Brianna and you're gonna feel so seen and so heard and feel like, wow, there's somebody out there who can relate to what I'm going through, especially if you're somebody who struggles with binge eating or binge eating disorder. Somebody who used to be really athletic and really fit and now is noticing, in a different season of life where they're maybe not as active anymore, that, wow, my relationship with food might have not been great this whole time and now I'm starting to see the effects of that. Or maybe you're a sexual assault survivor Breanna talks about that as well and how that's affected her relationship with food and her body image. I promise you you're gonna find something with Breanna's story that you relate to today and you're gonna be so encouraged to know that you can climb out of this hole that you're in. If you're feeling lost and defeated and stuck and ashamed, I just want you to know that you are not alone. There is hope for you, and Breanna is here to give an amazing example of what's possible for you If you're new here and learning about these kinds of things is interesting to you and you wanna know more, then be sure to follow or subscribe to my show.
Michelle:That way you never miss an episode and if you're not new here and you've actually been around for a while. First of all, I wanted to say thank you for being a faithful listener and also ask you to think about if there's somebody you might wanna send this show to or send a specific episode to, and would you consider doing that today? I really appreciate you being a listener, and it means even more if you share this with others and if you haven't yet, especially for those of you who have been longtime listeners. Please take a second and just go leave me a quick rating and show me some love on this show. All right, let's dig into it. Welcome to the show, Breanna. Why don't you start off with actually telling us a little bit about you?
Breanna:Yeah, so I'm Breanna and I am from Columbia, south Carolina. I live in Charlotte, north Carolina now, which I love. I've always wanted to live here, so it just feels like home. I have been in Michelle's program for the past three, four months and I am 27 and just starting to figure out what my relationship with food is like, and so I was really drawn to this program because when I got the sponsored ad for Michelle, she was speaking my language Like. I was like, oh my gosh, this girl gets it, and so I was hooked immediately and wanted to figure out what she had to teach. And so, yeah, I started this journey, this journey, back in May, and I feel better than ever right now because of everything I've learned We'll get into all of the juicy wins and all the details.
Michelle:Tell me a little bit about your journey with your relationship with food. I know you had said when we were first signing you up that you've been struggling since elementary school right With food being an emotional eating. So walk us through that and just kind of your story with food and your body image as well.
Breanna:Yeah, so I've always been an emotional eater. It's food has always been a comfort source for me. I think that that is the case for a lot of people. When you have a bad day, let's get ice cream or let's get some good fried chicken and macaroni that's what we would want down here and we've had a bad day, let's just go eat and hang out and talk and stuff. So even when I was younger, I've always had this relationship with food where I just love food so much Like I'm a foodie still am but I realized when it started to turn was I grew up in a household where you had to finish your plate.
Breanna:My mom and dad were always trying out diets, like they really cared about healthy eating and like making sure we were eating healthy meals, and so from a very young age it was like instilled in me how important what you were eating was, and so I'd say like in elementary school it was more of like an emotional eating thing, and then in middle school, kind of the same thing. But college is where it really changed. I always noticed that I would have like binging episodes like from elementary school to high school, but they weren't like super frequent. It was more of like if I was just having like a really hard time. But in college is when I really started noticing the pattern and it became more of like oh, this is like a problem that is reoccurring. This isn't like a once in a while thing, but I didn't really understand like why I was doing it or like what it was about, and I was definitely did not think that that's what was happening. I thought that I was just very hungry and like very I was going. You know, college is tough. Every year it's a roller coaster of something different, just going through like relationships and like classes and like trying to figure out what job I wanted. Next All that stress, I just always ran to food. And so in college that's when I started to gain weight I'd say like I was pretty happy with my body image. From elementary school to high school I was very fit, always working out Like I was a volleyball person. I played volleyball 24 seven and so even though I was like emotionally eating and binging, then there was no like reflection in like my weight. So that's why I didn't think it was like. I didn't even know that I was doing it, because there wasn't a problem that I could see like in the mirror. But in college is when I like I started gaining the weight every year and so you know, you can't ignore that. I'm like, okay, yeah, I'm clearly eating too much. So that's when I first started realizing what am I doing? Cause I'm eating only healthy things, like I'm cooking good.
Breanna:What I considered, I used to think, food different foods were good and bad, and so whenever I would cook, it was only good food, which meant flavorless chicken. That was so boring, no taste, microwave, frozen vegetables, not even any salt or pepper. I was just when I what I was eating was so bland and so plain and I was, you know, never had snacks like, never had Doritos or the things I really love, never had bought ice cream for myself like at the house, just really strict on, like what I was allowing myself to eat in college. Then when we would go out or get fast food, then I would like just eat so much and like. So my relationship with food before now was basically everything I have at my house is very healthy, boring, like I'll stick to it. But whenever I would go out to the restaurant or go out somewhere else, that's when I would like splurge, splurge and like just eat everything I'm not allowed to eat.
Breanna:And that's when I started really like having trouble with body image. But I didn't consciously struggle with it. It was like a subconscious like, oh, I don't like how I look, it's okay, like I'll lose the weight. I just got to eat more of this boring chicken at home and not eat my cookout milkshakes that I want and like I'll be fine. So my body image was really relied on, like I really feel. Like I didn't feel it in the moment. I thought it was like oh, it's okay, like I'll get back to that, I just have to work harder. I just have to work harder. And so once I graduated from college, then everything was just. That's when everything really became more of a problem, more reoccurring.
Breanna:That's when I started realizing like I have an eating disorder, but I didn't tell anyone. I was so ashamed, but I was like it was just so obvious. I was looking it up because it would freak me out the next morning, because it would always be at night. I'd say what was that last night? Like it feels, like it's almost like I have like this, like buzz in my head and like I can't like turn it off and my whole body's like I'm so hungry. I'm so hungry, I need to eat, like right now, and I can't shut it off. Sometimes it would last like 15 minutes, but sometimes it lasts like two hours and there was really no variation of like when it just really freaked me out. I didn't understand it and I definitely didn't want to tell anyone about it because I was like surely no one I know deals with this Like this. I'm crazy. Like I was so ashamed when I realized like oh, this is a problem, like this isn't emotional eating anymore. So from there I kind of just still kept it there for a couple of years.
Breanna:But within that time that's when I started to really diet, because I was like I have a problem, these diets will fix it. So I tried so many things. I tried like the protein shakes for breakfast and lunch every day. I tried noom, which I liked in the beginning because it was like the first educational system I went through, but in the end it ended up being very triggering, because I think that'd be probably okay for someone that doesn't have an eating disorder, but it was just triggering for me because it was still like counting my calories and doing all of these things, just like having to log everything. I did, like my fitness pal, I did that on noom. That gave me so much anxiety. But while I was doing it, I was like, yes, I'm doing good, I'm doing good, but I was so hungry Like, whatever the apps gave me for my calorie, you know measure, it was just not obtainable for me. Like, I still felt so hungry. And so what else have? I tried so many things, but oh, okay, yes, this one, this one's the most important.
Breanna:So, navigating my relationship with food, I also have PCOS. So then I became just mad at the world because I'm like PCOS is why I can't lose weight. And I found all these great Instagram accounts that were like go gluten-free, that's the answer. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to do it. And so this was probably a year and a half ago and I was like this is the answer. Like I've been trying to diet but I need to eat for my PCOS, and it all made sense.
Breanna:I felt so hopeful for the first time in a long time, and that was actually like the worst time of my relationship with food. I have never tried so hard at something. I could do it like maybe one month intervals, every now and then. And when I did do it I did feel so light, I did feel the energy, like I did feel what they were talking about. So I was like, would this really work? Like I just can't be lazy and have no self-control, but all I wanted was bread and cheese. That's my favorite food group anyway, always has been Like all I want is a chicken quesadilla, like all the time and so, or a charcuterie before. Oh yes, I live for charcuterie.
Breanna:So that was like the hardest thing for me and during that time I was traveling for work I didn't even have to buy groceries with my job at that point because I was on the road so much that I could eat all my meals out. Trying to eat gluten-free out in restaurants was like impossible Because I'm in the South and I was in rural South, so it wasn't like Charlotte has stuff like that in a bigger city, but no, there weren't even Chick-fil-A's where I was at. It was like hardies, it was not possible. So I remember my go-to meal was ordering for breakfast like a grilled chicken biscuit with no cheese, no, nothing. And then I would take the biscuit off and I would literally sit in my car and scrape off the biscuit shavings Because I was like it was just not sustainable in any possible way.
Michelle:That's literally just back to where you were before, where you were making chicken in the oven.
Breanna:Exactly yeah, and so I would say during that specific diet, and that was after noon. So noon was first. I helped a little bit, but then it did it. And then I found this and I was like this is going to save me. This is the answer, and that is what actually made my binge eating disorder from like I could hide it from people to like it was like my life, like I. Nothing else existed Like it I was. 95% of my brain was thinking about what am I going to eat next? Where can I get a gluten free, whatever? And I would mess up all the time. Once, like I was done with the one month where I was good, and every time I would stop and go back to I don't care, like I can't do this, which because I couldn't do it, it wasn't sustainable at all. Every time I did that, I would gain more and more and more weight.
Breanna:So it was just like really good on that diet. Then I gain a lot of weight, really good again. And then I gain even more weight than I did before. I did it the last time.
Breanna:And so in the and then my body image really started becoming a problem for the first time, where, like I didn't want to go to the pool, I did not want to get in my bathing suit in front of people, like I was wearing baggy clothes, like I just didn't want pictures taken of me.
Breanna:Like the past year and a half, I have just never like hated my body so much and I really hated my mind too, because my mind was like torturing me with like, oh, you just have to work harder, you just have to work harder. And it was just so much anxiety and so much hopelessness that I really was like depressed from just trying to keep up with that life, that lifestyle yeah, and so that. And so I was like coming out of that whenever I saw you on Instagram, but that's like a very long timeline of when that's my relationship with food. Like the emotional eating has always been there, the binge eating has always been there, but specifically this last year and a half, it was like I literally couldn't hide it, because it had taken over my life.
Michelle:Yeah, and I remember you saying, when you first started, like one of my number one goals is just not feel like food controls my life. I know I personally relate to that. I know there's so many others who relate to that feeling of like that, that buzzing, that food noise, where it's just always on your mind. You're always consumed by thoughts of what you're eating, what you're going to eat, what you want to eat versus, what you should eat, versus what you shouldn't eat, versus, and it's just constant gymnastics going through your brain and I think it was really powerful what you said to you about like how your body image wasn't great, but also like you really hated where your mind was at. Do you feel like how your brain was operating? Was that affecting your quality of life?
Breanna:Yes, I have it affected everything. I know it's because what I was experiencing on the surface it was the reaction of like all of the trauma in my body that I had not dealt with, and that was actually what the problem was. And so, whenever before I started this program, I just thought it was so simple, like, oh, I can't follow this diet Like all these other girls that I see in the gym, like perfect bodies, all of that. They're just working harder than me and I'm just not working hard enough. And so it just became this like huge self-blame and it made me so self-conscious in everything work, friendship, family Like it affected everything, because I just thought I was lazy and didn't have enough self-control to like beat this and I was trying to do it alone with all the misinformation on the internet. So it was a really like hopeless situation.
Michelle:Yeah, and that's what we get told too. Right Is that it's just like an issue of discipline or self-control or motivation. Like that you're the problem for not being able to follow a diet where you're eating chicken breast all the time. Like how could you not do that Breanna? Like that seems so easy, you know.
Breanna:Right, and that's what I thought other people were doing. I thought those people were just very good at controlling that and like not giving into their temptations on dessert or whatever. Chicken case it is, chicken case it is so good.
Michelle:Were you seeing any impacts on, cause Obviously the impact on your mental health was huge. Was there any impacts with your physical health?
Breanna:Yes, whenever I went to get my checkup here when I was the middle of, it was in January, so like five months before I started the program, and this is when I said I was the worst I'd ever been. I had gained literally like 40 pounds in a year and I just felt so terrible. But wait a side. I mean, obviously that was alarming because I was like I'm literally trying to lose weight. How am I this big? But what was even more important is my daughter was like Breanna, like you are about to be pre-diabetic, like you have fatty liver disease. Like you, like they were like I had I was being diagnosed with even more physical problems than just my PCOS, and that was just the most discouraging thing ever because from my point of view, it was really like I'm worse, like I've been. I've never tried this hard in my life like to get healthy. And they were like you have this, you have this. Like you need to start working out. Like they gave me like, very like foods to stay away from list. They gave me all those tools that I already was doing and I was like I don't know how I'm gonna, like I didn't know how I was gonna overcome it and it really shattered me because when I think back to who I was before college, I was the healthiest person. Like I had like a four pack ab volleyball.
Breanna:I didn't really think of food like that. I always used it as a coping mechanism, but like it wasn't like full on binge eating disorder, that I did not have any. Like it was uncontrollable. And so it's just so hard for me to even see people from my past. Like before college. It was just so difficult because I was like, oh, they're just thinking about like who I used to be and now I'm this and I was just taking on all the guilt and shame that you could possibly have in that doctor's office. And I had other things too. Like I was at my kidneys were messing up. I was getting kidney stones for the first time and like really reoccurring like UTIs because my sugar, like it was a pre-diabetic like situation, but yeah. So the doctor's office was like a slap back to reality, but it also didn't feel like I was given direction because I was already doing like what they were telling me to do.
Michelle:And I think that's so disheartening when you are here in this office with a professional who's supposed to help you fix the thing that they just diagnosed you with, but then you're like I'm already doing all of that, though, and, like you said, you were trying harder than you ever were and seeing the opposite result. I think that's actually so common with PCOS, too. Because of the extra layer of complexities regarding your hormones, there's so much misinformation, first of all, like, let me just say to anybody listening who thinks that going gluten free and dairy free is the healing fix for PCOS it's not. There's no evidence showing that. It's very frustrating when people take advantage of that vulnerability that you were describing of. Wow, my health is getting worse. I know that my PCOS is making things difficult, so now I need to focus on that. Therefore, this seems right, because they seem to know what they're talking about, and I know there's even like.
Breanna:There's a big dietitian on Instagram who talks about doing gluten free and dairy free, and I've talked with other dietitians about that it's so frustrating, like that sent me into the actual worst relationship with my food and body possible, like that was the final straw. And it was very disheartening because I actually really thought that was the answer, like I really believed in that. Like the protein shakes I don't think, like I believed in them as hard, but that I was. It just seemed because I don't have a science background, I'm a business woman and so like I would believe anything anyone said, because I just don't have any background on science and that kind of thing. And that's what really drove me to your program, because it was so based on nutrition and like you went to school for that and I was like I can trust what she thinks.
Michelle:So yeah, was there still a part of you, though, because you have done so many things and you were feeling really hopeless and feeling really stuck. So was there that part of you that was like is this going to be any different though?
Breanna:Yes, definitely, you know this. But I, even whenever I signed up and said, all right, I'm in the program, it still took me two weeks to actually like log onto the platform, even though I was so excited and I like really believed in this. And when I watched your intro video, it felt like a God moment for me, like in my heart, I really felt like this is my next step, Like I didn't have any question of it. But you know, a week passed, two weeks passed, and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so scared to start this, like what if I get worse, what if this makes me even worse? Cause everything I've tried has made me worse? And I was still fighting those thoughts and I just you reached out to me and you were like, hey, where have you been? I'm just so excited to work with you and I loved that because you like I want I needed to be called out on that because I was so scared and that's like helpful for me. And then it was so nice because you just wanted to say like I just want to work with you, and so it was like the right amount of like tough, but it wasn't even tough, but you know, and then like also encouraging, and from then on I like logged on and I was like mind blown.
Breanna:Like the very first module I was just mind blown and I just took them at my own pace. And the difference with this program is, through every different module or every different tool that I learned, nothing felt impossible. And that's like the biggest difference for me, because everything felt like I had to really look within myself and like question what I thought I knew about myself, which is difficult, but nothing felt impossible. Like everything you were teaching was very doable and there was a support system for it as well. So when I felt like I was really struggling with something, I could post it in our group chat and there was always one other person at least that would say I also feel like this, and none of the things I tried before. Then. I had that access to talking with other girls that are also trying to overcome their eating disorders.
Michelle:Yeah, which a part of your story was that sense of shame and loneliness like nobody else is struggling with this, nobody else understands. So, yeah, I mean, what was that like for you to have a whole group of women be like oh, I get it.
Breanna:It was so eye-opening and it was healing just hearing their process and just what they were learning and what they were going through. That was just equally as healing for me as me going through my own process and learning what I learned, because some of them were struggling with things that I didn't struggle with or hadn't struggled with yet. And then same vice versa, like I was bringing up things and girls would say I never thought about it like that. I also have that, so it helped.
Breanna:The group aspect was so encouraging. I was never afraid to post something in there that like I just knew someone was going to say it's okay, like I've been there or if not, it's a. You know I don't understand this, but like I'm here for you, like I'm hugging you, and that is just so beautiful, like coming together with women who also have tried everything and just have not figured it out, and like me and it just I felt like because you know, you hear like, oh, this a lot of girls have this a lot, and I was like, no, they don't, because I didn't know someone personally that had told me that. But I probably do know someone that more than likely I do know someone that does have this as well, but it's just, I was so ashamed that I definitely wasn't going to talk about it with someone that I knew, and so it was very freeing talking to a lot of different women, different ages, different backgrounds and getting to hear what their experiences were like, because it also helped me realize what my experiences were like as well.
Michelle:Yeah, yeah, that's one of the biggest reasons that it is a group thing is because I do see that happen with the group component, where you're going through your own journey, you're learning, you're growing, but then you see other people growing in their journey too and you get to actually grow even more and even quicker because you're now observing and absorbing what they're going through and you know you don't always have to, but it is nice when it speaks to you and you're like, oh wow, I didn't know I needed that today, but I do and you know those things. That's why I love the group so much, because we're made for community and the growth is accelerated, it's deeper, it's faster and it's just powerful to not feel alone. Right, when you joined, I remember you also saying that you had tried to work through this in therapy. Tell me more about that and ultimately like why you feel like it wasn't working for you in therapy versus this type of setting.
Breanna:Yes, yes, yes, I'd love to talk through this because, with having PCOS and, you know, having the depression that really comes along with that for a lot of women I wasn't therapy for the past two years. So when I was going through my most difficult binging season, I wasn't therapy, and I recommend that to everyone. I still am in therapy. I'm still seeing the same person, but when I came across this, I just saw this as like a plus one. I saw this as something I could do in addition to what I was already working on, and what really made a difference for me is that the therapist that I was seeing I've been seeing her for a long time. We have been talking about my binge eating, but that wasn't something that she was like specifically specialized in. She was specialized with trauma and other things like depression that I was going through, which was great, and she's really helped me with those things.
Breanna:We're still working on them today, but this program was specifically like science based with nutrition, and you had gone through this as well, and I wanted to learn from someone that also went through this, because that's just not my therapist situation, and so I was nervous to tell her actually, because I was like I don't want you to think I'm cheating on you by like, going to this news.
Breanna:I want to do both. Like is that okay? And she was like, oh my gosh, yes, like, please, if you feel like God really wants you to do this, like in my opinion wouldn't even matter, but I would always tell you, yes. That was really healing for her to say, because I was, you know, I was kind of nervous to say, actually you're not doing enough and I need someone else. But that wasn't the situation. I just wanted a more specialized group approach. Yeah, because the group was really important to me too. And she said like just being able to talk with the other girls she thought would really be helpful for me and that's something I couldn't get in my traditional one-on-one therapy.
Michelle:Yeah, yeah, I love that and, just in case anybody doesn't know this about me, like, I also love therapy. That's a great thing to do, for pretty much everybody needs therapy at some point now. Yes, definitely. And when it comes to eating disorders and disordered eating, the gold standard approach is having the dietician and the therapist, because it's so closely related to both. Well, it's about mental health and physical health. It's about your psychology and biology, it's about nutrition, but it's also not about the food, like, there's so many layers there and having the combination approach is so important, and I think what you said was so good of like saw this as a plus one, as like a beneficial addition, because that's the goal, you know, is that it contributes and adds to your healing journey instead of, like, replacing therapy.
Breanna:Yes, and I also really loved that it was something additional, because not until I got to the body image module of your program it all made sense because I realized that my eating disorder I was dealing with it consciously in one way, but subconsciously what was going on is earlier, when I talked about colleges. When everything really changed is because I am a sexual assault survivor and it happened my freshman year of college, and so that's when everything changed. And I didn't know everything changed Like when I was explaining my story earlier. It felt very gradual, but that's when I started to really have body image issues and I definitely didn't think they were connected, because when I first realized that this is what happened to me, it took like a year and a half after the event for me to even like remember it happening, because my mind just completely like erased it and like I was drugged, like it was like I don't, like I didn't really remember much of it, but then, a year and a half later, it was starting to come back to me and I was like, oh my gosh, like I don't feel safe in my body, and so that's what was subconsciously going on in my mind the whole time that I was really struggling with this food and like gaining weight.
Breanna:Every time I gained weight, every year in college, I'd say, oh my gosh, I need to lose weight. Like I'm not going to find. Like I want to have my boyfriend. Like I want to have a boyfriend, I want to like get married. One day I was like I like internalized that, like I'm not going to get a guy unless I'm skinny and beautiful. Because that was something subconscious I was dealing with, that I didn't know. With binge eating is anytime. Like let's say, I went on an app date and I did not have a good day and it was terrible. I would come home and I binge eat. It was so centered in like it was. It wasn't centered, but it was triggered. It was so triggered by any interaction, good or bad, that I had with any man throughout my day.
Breanna:And, subconsciously, what was going through my head is Breanna, you cannot lose weight. Like you're going, something bad is going to happen to you. Like you're going to get assaulted again. You're going to get targeted again. You're going to fall in love again. Like you're not going to be safe. Like men aren't safe.
Breanna:Like why would you want to lose weight to attract them? Because that's what my conscious motivation was was oh, if I lose weight, then I'll find the one you know, because and that was so wrapped into like my body image and like I didn't even want to lose weight for me back then I wanted to lose weight to find love and to find someone that was going to love me, no matter what I looked like, even though I didn't love myself, no matter what I looked like. I mean, it was just like mind blowing. Like every every time I journaled about it I was like, wow, this really is so deeply tied to what happened to me and just, I don't feel safe. And my therapist told me a year ago that this was what was happening, but I didn't have the background or the tools to understand it before this program.
Michelle:Yeah.
Breanna:Because the dots finally clicked when I joined this program. I didn't want guys to like look at, look at my body and think it looks good or bad, like I didn't want anything. I just wanted, like my body to not exist. And I trained myself to like not think about my body that way because I could not recognize my hunger cues, my full cues. I couldn't recognize anxiety, like I couldn't recognize any really emotions that I was feeling about, what was going through my head when it came to food and my relationship with it, and then just going through the modules and journaling, yeah, like now I know that consciously all I wanted was to lose weight, but subconsciously my body was like we cannot lose weight, you will be in danger.
Michelle:Hmm, that's so powerful for you to make that connection and and now I have an understanding of like this is why there's been so much tension in my relationship with food and my relationship with my body and every time I diet, and it's crazy how many layers there are.
Breanna:I did not think it was going to be cutting into an onion and just crying from the fumes of the onion, because when I started I was like, oh, I'm just lazy, like I don't have any self control. And now I'm leaving the program with wow, I have learned how to love myself and I don't need to eat things for a man to think I'm beautiful. And I didn't even know that that's why I was doing what I was doing. That's what's so crazy to me. I like I really had no idea. I thought it was just oh, no, I want to be healthy for me and like, no, I was wanting to find love because I didn't love myself. Then I was looking for that in a partner and once I actually looked at my relationship with food and what was going on in my body, I was like I have to give that to myself. That can't come from anyone else.
Michelle:Yeah, you talked about how I mean things were not good. You were feeling hopeless, you were feeling obsessed with food. It was controlling your life. You have all of this undertow of, like trauma and body image stuff as well, seeping in. So how's your life now?
Breanna:I have not felt this light in so long, so long I feel free like free is the word and I'm just so excited for the future. Because something I really like about this program as well is you would say, you know, when you, when you graduate or are done with the program, like we're still beginners and I love that it started with that, because I'm like a recovering perfectionist also the same. So you know, I was like, oh, I'll take this program and I'm done, like I'm good. No, I know that's not the case, but I love knowing like this is the beginning and I have so much more to learn and so much more to heal. And because I was in this program, I have the tools now that I know that this will like be sustainable and like it is possible. And no other weight loss thing I tried was I felt possible or was sustainable after I was done.
Breanna:And the most beautiful thing about all of this is that before this program, my main goal and everything was just to lose weight. I just wanted to lose weight. But what's different about this is I don't even care if I lose weight. I don't, because I just want to like love my body and love the food I'm eating and you know my body will fluctuate the rest of my life. So it's really silly to have this ideal body that I want and think I can get when it's going to change one day I'll be pregnant and then I'll have that, you know, and then or maybe I'll get an injury and, you know, can't walk around and whatever, or maybe I'll be going through something and lose a ton of weight and that's scary too. So I think the biggest thing in life now is I just have so much hope for the future because I'm no longer tied to like my old mindset of oh, I have to lose weight to be happy and to like love myself and love my body, because that's just not true. You have to love it, no matter what it looks like, because what we judge what it looks like off of isn't even obtainable. It's off celebrities that have like professionals helping them achieve that body.
Breanna:And that's something most of us struggle with, as women is and men to probably like just looking at what's the ideal body and Just I just feel like I'm so free from all of that like I felt like I was really in like a food prison where it's just all my fault that I can't do this and now I live my life with no, I can do these things like I, it's possible, like I can have a healthy relationship with food and not stress over what I just ate or what I'm going to eat next. I rarely have been doing episodes now. Of course I still have some sometimes because I'm still learning, but that's okay. I just tell myself you know, you're still a beginner. It's okay, like you're doing so much better than when you started I was having those binge episodes, like five days a week out of seven days, so very, very different, and I just feel so light and I just want to tell, like everyone I know about it, because like I'm just so happy and if there's any one out there that also struggles with this, like I want to help them and talk to them and show them like it really is possible, because I didn't, I didn't think it was possible for me.
Michelle:Yeah, and your story is. I mean, there's millions of women who have gone through this same process of like struggling with emotional eating since I was a kid or vinging, and then I get to college or after college and things start to get worse, and now I'm seeing it as a real problem and I feel a lot of shame. So I'm going to try all these diets. I lose weight, then I gain it back, lose it, gain it back, lose it, and it's.
Michelle:It's so easy to just completely lose hope that you're ever going to get to the place where food is normal for you and not a point of stress, and so it's really cool to be on this side and see you, who started out feeling like I don't know if I'll be able to really do this or not, but at the same time, I'm not going to let that fear stop me from trying. Like you had so much courage you still do to this day like that is a core quality of yours that I absolutely adore, and it's a part of the reason why you've been so successful is because you've had courage and face of that fear of what if this doesn't work, you've also been like but what if it does? Like I'm not going to give up, you know. And now we get to see you light and free and feeling so much better and it's so cool to be a part of.
Breanna:Yeah, yeah, it's a complete 180. And every one of my life notices like no one knows really what it is, but everyone that I see recently is like you look so happy, like you're doing so well, and it's not comments about my body, it's like you are glowing, like you have this like light in you that has been gone for a long time and I'm like I know, like I feel like I'm myself again and, yeah, like I just feel so light and I can do so much now that, like 90% of my brain isn't food thoughts, like I have so much more brainpower to do other things that I love that I haven't been able to do, like photography and writing. I haven't done those things since college because I just thought like, oh, I don't have the time for that. Or, you know, I was just so focused on food and like trying to lose weight that I just let go of all the other hobbies, like I really had, and so I feel just like I'm awake and like I'm back.
Breanna:You know, yeah, yeah, that's amazing. Yeah, and I'm just so thankful for everything that you do and I just really believe in everything that you've taught us and stand for, and I just could not be more thankful, because I really did not think that I would get to this point. Maybe I would have, probably would have, but it would have taken a much longer time Like it would have been years from now, I believe. But I just love how the program's set up. It builds upon each other so nicely and all the tools are like real and you can actually do them and it's possible. So just thank you for everything that you do, because you really did change my life.
Michelle:It's so worth it when there's stories like this and I mean literally you are why I do what I do. You and every other woman with a story like yours is. It's just an honor to be a part of it, honestly, and you're the one doing all the hard work. So actually, with that being said, what advice do you have to members who have just joined Nourished and Free, and are maybe seeing like, okay, actually I'm gonna have to do some work here. This isn't a quick fix.
Breanna:Yeah. So for someone starting out I would say journal everything Like, even if it's just like a couple of sentences that really don't seem much to you at the time. I'd say, just like keeping a journal of everything that you're experiencing, questions that you have, just so you can like look back on it and reinvestigate it later on. But, most importantly, just giving yourself grace.
Breanna:I remember when people were telling me that in the beginning I was like how am I supposed to do that?
Breanna:Like I'm just not working hard enough, like it was just so hard to like differentiate whether give yourself grace, you're just learning, it's okay to I'm just not working hard enough. I'm behind in my module of like all this stuff. But my biggest advice would be just to keep going and post as much as you want in the group chat, because that is where I really had a lot of like encouragement when I really needed it and maybe I thought I couldn't really continue. That was where I really found the encouragement is leading on the other girls in the group, because all of us were beginners at some point and we all know how scary it is and how, just in my case, can just open up a whole can of worms like way past your food relationship, but to trust the process because it really will help you. And also to give yourself grace, because when you do finish the program that doesn't mean you're gonna be completely free from all of these struggles, but you will have the tools that you need to face all of that in the future.
Michelle:Yeah, yeah, I love that. What would you say to somebody who's thinking about starting this process and isn't sure yet?
Breanna:Yeah. So when I started the process, it was an Instagram video that I saw and my heart, literally I was like I have to do this, like not even knowing much about it. So I'd say like if you feel like that tug in your heart, like that is a sign and you should definitely start the program, but if that's not what happens and you're just like very like I don't know, like I've tried so many things, I don't know about this Like I would say like it is the best thing I've tried and I feel like I have tried it all, and it really just the community aspect in itself is like so worth joining, even if you're afraid of like uncovering things or like really taking a deeper look within what your problems are with food or your relationship with food, because you're not alone and there's a group of girls like waiting for you to join and say yes, I also struggle with that.
Michelle:Yeah, this is so good. Breanna, I'm so freaking proud of you, like I can see it too. I can see just like the weight lifted off your shoulders. Like your friends are saying you're glowing and amazing walking through this with you and I'm so glad that we get a little bit of time left to wrap things up and set you on your way.
Breanna:Thanks for your day. Yes, me too. Yeah, you too. Thank you, Michelle. It's been great and I just really am so thankful because it has been a journey and I really didn't think I'd feel this light. But you're right, Like but it's not like this toxic positivity of like I'm good now, Like it's like it feels grounded, it feels like, yes, like this is the new me and I can continue to feel light about this if I continue following these tools and framework. So just, thank you so much for everything.
Michelle:If you're ready to be my next success story and take your life back from the chains of food guilt and body image, distress and disorder eating and truly just live nourished and free, then be sure you go to my show notes and click on the link to learn more about my program. From there you can fill out an application, which I highly recommend, if you have any interest in this at all, so that we can just chat and see if this really is the next step for you. I'll be reaching out personally after your application is received and we'll get to chat more about your goals and your needs and really just make sure that this is something that is best for you. I hope to hear from you and once again, thanks for listening.