Compliance and Defiance

When we are always complying to the requests and demands of others we can suddenly find ourselves leaving compliance and swinging way over to defiance. Listen to find out the difference between compliance that brings goodness versus compliance that is detrimental to us. Also, find out why detrimental compliance will always push us to defiance. Lastly, learn how to stop the compliance/defiance cycle in your life.

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Transcript

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I'm jamielynn Stephan and this is what to want at episode number 77. Compliance and defiance. Welcome to want to want it a podcast for women of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints who are ready to ignite not only their sexual desire, but all of their desires to create a more fulfilling life and marriage. I'm jamielynn Stephan. I'm a certified life coach, a wife, and a mother of seven children. I'm excited to share my personal journey to desire with you and teach you how to desire more as well Hello, everybody. Welcome to the podcast today. Welcome to August. For my Canadian listeners, you're either feeling totally panicked because it's August 1st or a little bit of relief. Relief, you know, for those of you who crave a stricter schedule and who love kids going back to school, not because you don't love your children. I know some people freak out about this, but I know it's not because you don't love your children, but it's because you love the routine of the school year. And you possibly love that you don't have every child in your space, 24 7. That's actually lovely. And that does not make you a bad mother, even though people are going to probably write to me and say, that does make you a bad mother. I promise you, it does not. And maybe some of you are feeling a bit of a panic because summer is going to end too quickly. And admittedly, I am usually the person who feels a panic on August 1st, because it's all going too fast. But by September 1st, I'm the mom. Who's like, okay, let's get back to routine. Let's get back to school. Today, I'm going to talk to my people, pleasers and perfectionist out there, even though I know this topic actually applies to pretty much everybody. I know. This is especially going to be pertinent to people, pleasers and perfectionists. And I want to share this because it's something that I think I have struggled with for a long time. And tell I was listening to someone else, talk about this idea. And then I realized, oh my goodness, I totally do that. And it's the idea that many of us live in compliance until we've had enough. And then we swing way over to defiance. So complying or compliance is when you act in accordance with a wish or a command. Okay. So obedience is compliance. Going along with something that's compliance, falling in line with a group or an idea that's compliance. Defiance on the other hand or to defy means to openly resist or refuse to obey. Okay. So there's a bit of rebellion in defiance. You hold out against someone you resist, you withstand. That's what it means to defy. So I want you to imagine a line across a page, right? If you were to draw a line across a page and on one end of the line, you could write the word comply. And on the other end, you could write the word defy. Now, most of you, people pleasers out there and you perfectionist are going to find that you spend a lot of time on the comply end of the spectrum or this line. Maybe you're a rule follower by nature, but even more than that, you comply to the requests or demands of other people. Usually in the name of trying to make them happy. Like, could you take dinner to so-and-so tonight? Oh yeah, for sure. Whether I want to, or not, whether it fits into my life or not, I'm going to do it and take it so that you're going to know that I'm a good person who is always willing to serve. Right. Or maybe when your husband asks for sex and you know, he'll probably be pouty or upset if you say no, and you're kind of sick of him thinking you're broken anyways. So you say yes, not because you want to be intimate with him, but because you want to try to make him happy, happy about himself and happy with you. So you comply. Or for those of you Who are religious, most religions have standards of behavior. They encourage their members to keep. Maybe you feel like you have to comply with those standards so that your spouse doesn't get upset with you or to prove to other members of your congregation. That you're a good person. Now I want to be clear. I don't think the only reason people comply to rules or requests is because they're trying to make other people happy or trying to make sure other people like them. There's plenty of times when we comply out of love or because we feel very sure about what we're doing. I don't steal because to do that would be to live outside of my own integrity. Not because my mom told me never to steal now maybe as a child, that's why I complied. But I know now that I don't want to be a person who steals. So I don't, I have no problem complying with the laws that say don't steal. So, I don't want to give this impression that compliance is weak Or something that only people pleasers do because that's not true. There's plenty of great reasons that we comply. But it's really good to look at the things you comply to and ask yourself if you like the reason that you comply. I complied to the speed limit on the road so that I don't endanger anyone's life, especially my family's lives. But also so that I don't get a ticket or demerits that could get my license taken away. So maybe it, isn't totally a moral reason that I keep the law, but I like my reason for keeping it. But if I'm complying to something to try to make someone happy with me, Or because I feel pressure to make sure they feel good about themselves. I have to really look at that and ask myself if I actually like that reason for complying. It's also good to look and see if you like the results you get from your compliance. This podcast covers a lot of topics, but one thing that we come back to often is desire. For real desire to flourish, there has to be a feeling of freedom. Now I'm not talking about untethered unrestrained, freedom. That type of freedom is actually more destructive than anything. A kite let loose in the wind will potentially source super high, but inevitably it will crash or get caught in a tree and be ruined. So when we have freedom that is tethered to goodness, like a kite being held by the string, we can soar high without a tragic end. So for real desire to flourish, we have to feel free and compliance only feels free if we deliberately choose it because it brings goodness into our lives. If we're complying out of duty. That is going to be a desire killer. Uh, complying to unwanted sex will decrease your sexual desire. I have always loved to play the piano. And as a young girl and a teenager, I loved it. I would get on and just play. And it felt so therapeutic. But I remember having to take the piano exams and it made me hate playing the piano. So complying to my mother and my teacher's desire for me to take exams, actually decreased my desire to play the piano. So really look at yourself, honestly. Why are you complying? And does that reason serve you And do the results you get in your life. Bring more goodness to you. Here's why I suggest that you look honestly at your motivation for compliance and the results that compliance gets you. Because if we are compliant out of people, pleasing or perfectionism, or if compliance feels like a prison, instead of freedom, we will eventually become defiant. So here's what seems to happen to most of us, we comply, comply, comply. In hopes that everyone will be happy, especially us, but when we aren't happy, Then we get really upset and we want to rebel against the pressure we felt or the person we feel like has pressured us to comply. And we swing way over to defiance. We see this in kids, especially teenagers, which tells us that this is kind of an immature pattern that we're in, but we see this in teens all the time. The kid that has seemingly happily complied in our home, suddenly rebels against it all. Kids comply because they're trying to make sense of the world and their place in it. And they figure out pretty quickly that there is safety and falling in line with the social norms around them and being obedient. But then as they grow up, some of this starts to feel less safe and a little more stifling. In fact, I like distinctly remember as a teenager realizing that I didn't have to do something the way my parents wanted me to. And there was really nothing that they could do about it. And it was like a huge light bulb moment for me. I felt very free in some ways when I realized this, but it also felt rebellious and I liked it. So it's kind of the same thing for us as adults. We comply. We're unhappy or we feel stuck or trapped. And so we want to leave compliance. The problem is, is that we jump way over to defiance instead. And again, Not because any act of defiance is wrong or bad, but does it actually get you what you want? So I'll have a client who feels like they've spent their entire marriages, just trying to make their husband happy. They have sex when he wants, they take a back seat to his career ambitions. They're just his total support staff and they do all of this so that he will be happy. Mostly because they want him to be happy with them. But because we can't actually control anyone else's happiness. And because we can't make people be happy with us, this model inevitably falls apart. Because the husband isn't always going to be happy and he certainly, isn't always going to be happy with you. And most of my clients find that they feel really empty because they haven't stepped into their lives and lived them for themselves at all. So, what I see then is I get a woman who comes to me because They're super sick of their compliant life. And now they're in full rebellion against it. And they think their husband is the problem. They don't realize that even though he may have pressured them to kind of fall into line for him, That they always had a choice and that they really are just rebelling against themselves. But now they're super angry with their husband and they've completely shut down any affection for him. And they don't want to do anything for him. And they blame him for pressuring them to live this compliant life. No, he probably has done just that. But most of us don't have guns to our heads making us comply. We do it because we're people pleasers or because it feels safe or because we're hoping that our spouse will turn around and make us feel good about ourselves. That is actually a huge thing. So much of the compliance we fall into is motivated By some reward that we feel like we're going to get, that's going to make us feel good about ourselves. And outside things don't have the power to make us feel good about ourselves. Remember, it's our thoughts that make us feel good. And so when we're disappointed enough by all of this stuff, We swing from compliance to get approval way over to defiance and kind of more of this screw you attitude. Sometimes I look at people who are having what could be termed a faith crisis. We hear about this a lot in the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints, but I have coached women of other faiths and other belief systems who experienced something very similar. So we have someone who feels like they're having a faith crisis, and sometimes we see them begin to act in complete opposition to how they've previously been. Now, I don't want to oversimplify this at all, or even pretend that I know all the reasons people have a faith crisis, but I do believe that at least some of these come because the person was living their faith or their religion in compliance, not compliance from a place of. This behavior brings goodness into my life. And so of course, I want to live this way and comply with this standard, but compliance from a place of, I have to follow the rules to be considered a good person. And for people to think I'm a good person, I have to follow the rules so that God will love me and bless me. And so that I can control whether or not I had the life that I was promised. Because of keeping the rules. Can you see the difference there? One is compliant because they feel it blesses their life to be that way. They intentionally choose it and embrace it because it brings goodness to them. The other complies because they're trying to believe something about themselves and they're trying to control what others believe about them and hoping to keep themselves from experiencing any pain. These are two different motivations. And so I think that sometimes the faith crisis, so to say, Is actually just the inevitable swing over to defiance that comes from living too long in a detrimental compliance. Again, I don't think this applies to all faith crises, but even if you feel yourself pushing against the tenants and standards of your religion, take an honest, look at yourself. Are you rebelling because you're sick of compliance. Is it possible that you've just swung to the other side of the spectrum? Maybe your faith is actually still intact, but you need to understand that there are other options than just being totally compliant or completely defiant. Here's what I mean? So I want you to imagine in your mind, again, that line that we drew at the beginning of the podcast with compliance on one end and defiance on the other. And in between those lines are a hundred other options. And you don't have to swing between the extreme ends of the spectrum. And I'm sharing all of this with you, because just this weekend, I had a realization, one of those big light bulb moments where you see yourself and you see the situation really clearly. And I had to face what was honest about myself. And I realized that I had been compliant in a way of being that was not good for me at all. And in that moment of insight, I felt myself want to swing over to defiance. I felt this rebellion like rise up in my chest, but I caught it. I felt it. And I knew exactly what my brain was trying to do. And I stopped myself. I knew instantly. That to go to rebellion was going to create a lot of misery for me and for my relationships. So I really just had to ask myself, like, how can I stop complying to this expectation without being rebellious? How can I start to live a better way and think a better way about myself while still being the kind of person I want to be. Now I knew I didn't want to go out into the world and push people around because I felt that I'd been pushed around. I wanted to figure out how I could be more of who I knew I wanted to be. Without feeling like I needed other people to shrink out of my way or make way for me by moving to the shadows. And so I came to a more central place on that compliance defiance spectrum. I came to a place that rejected the old narrative that I'd been complying to and adopted a new narrative to comply to. That is kinder to me while still being kind to others. It's a place where I matter. And so do they. And it feels so good here. It isn't competitive. It isn't defensive. It's not contentious. And really best of all, it isn't rebellious. I know that I'm going to need a lot of practice to see all the ways that I comply and then defy. But when I had this experience this weekend, I just knew that I had to share this with all of you, because for me it is easier to sense where I want to defy or rebel then to always recognize ways that I'm detrimentally complying. K. So when I feel that. Desire to defy that clues me in that I've been complying somewhere. So that may be the same for you. If you feel yourself rising up and rebellion against something, ask yourself why? Like, why do I feel the need to rebel against this? Why am I feeling like a victim that needs to fight back? Why do I feel like I want to push that person? Aside or shoved them down so I can feel better. Is there some way that I've been complying, that's not serving me and makes me feel like I need to fight against it. If so let's figure out what that is. And then let's see if I can stop myself from swinging all the way to defiance. Maybe, I just need to shift myself a few notches away from this type of compliance into a more self-determined place, a place that I feel like I chose on purpose. Or maybe I need to see if I can get more in the middle of the spectrum. The reality for most of us is that if we are complying because it brings genuine goodness into our lives, we will never feel the need to defy. So most of the time, it's just a matter of changing our why for being compliant or to just drop the expectation completely, not in a rebellious way, but in a. This isn't serving me. So I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm going to find a better way to be that brings goodness into my life and allows me to still show up as the person I want to be. I hope this made sense to you. If you have any questions about it, please feel free to DM me on Instagram or Facebook at Jamilin Stephan coaching. If you see this in yourself and you want help. I am doing free 25 minute sessions to give clients a taste of coaching, give them a little free help, and then to let them see if they want to be a part of my one-on-one coaching program, starting in September. I click on the link in the show notes to book a free session with me, have a really good week. Everyone enjoy August. I hope your weather is amazing. I hope you have fun with your family. Be sure to share this podcast with anyone that you think could benefit from it. Okay. See you next time. Bye. Thanks for listening today. If you like what you hear on the podcast, and you'd like to learn more, feel free to head over to my website. Jamilin Stephan coaching.com or find me on Instagram or Facebook at Jamileh. step in coaching.