#95 - ADHD and Intimacy with Kamden Hainsworth

An ADHD diagnosis as an adult is life changing - and possibly a little relieving. Now things make way more sense and you can start to learn tools that can help you in so many areas of your life. Including your intimate relationship. Today I talk with Kamden Hainsworth, an ADHD Life Coach who helps people live fully and confidently with ADHD. We talk about some of the challenges of ADHD, especially on intimacy. She also shares some practical tips to help you increase the intimacy in your marriage, despite your ADHD.

Kamden's Website:
https://www.kamdenadhdcoaching.com
The Busy Brained Saint Podcast:
https://thebusybrainedsaintpodcast.podbean.com/
The Busy Brained Saint Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/thebusybrainedsaint/
Kamden's TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@kamden_adhd
Kamden's Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/kamden_adhd/

https://jamelynstephan.com

https://jamelynstephan.com/meet-with-me/

https://www.instagram.com/jamelyn_stephan_coaching/

jamelyn@jamelynstpehan.com

Transcript

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I'm jamielynn Stephan and this is what to want it. Episode number 95, ADHD and intimacy with Camden. Haynesworth. Welcome to want to want it a podcast for women of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints who are ready to ignite not only their sexual desire, but all of their desires to create a more fulfilling life and marriage. I'm jamielynn Stephan. I'm a certified life coach, a wife, and a mother of seven children. I'm excited to share my personal journey to desire with you and teach you how to desire more as well Welcome to want to want it. Everybody. I'm actually really excited to have you with me today because I have a special guest. Her name is Camden Hainsworth. She is a life coach who helps people who have ADHD. And she agreed to come on today and to talk with us today and I always love having a guest on because I feel like the conversation just flows so nice and we get just a different perspective than mine. So, I'm so appreciative of Camden coming on. My sister introduced me to her and so I'm really grateful that she's here. So Camden, just tell my audience about yourself. Hello, audience. My name is Camden. I'm so happy to be here. Um, like I said, I'm an ADHD coach. Uh, I specialize in life, business and parenting. Um, and then everything else that's in between that. Um, I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 36. So a few years ago, uh, but not as many years ago as most people would think. So I was diagnosed as a mom of three. And, um, It was a shock. It came out of the blue and totally turned my world upside down and actually a really good way started making a lot more sense as to the struggles and the depression, anxiety, uh, inconsistency that I felt like I had. lived with for a number of years and, um, I'm a mom of four now, so I have four daughters. My husband and I live in Springville, Utah, and, uh, we, we love it here. We, we love navigating. I have, I have children that have ADHD as well, so we love navigating that as a family and feel really fortunate that, uh, my career has now also become something that can be so beneficial for my family. Yeah, yeah, completely, completely. So, when you received your diagnosis, was it because you were looking for a diagnosis or what was happening for you? So I had been an entrepreneur, um, in the grind for about a year and I hit a massive burnout. I didn't know that's what it was. So I went to school and my career was elementary education. So I was a teacher for about five years. I taught sixth grade. And so. burnout to the degree the entrepreneurship provided. It's a whole different thing. And in that burnout, I was looking for some answers and, uh, ultimately I took it to prayer and was inspired to look into adult ADHD. Uh, it was unlike any answer to a prayer I've had before. It was pretty specific and quite out of left field. Uh, and yet it has. Helped fill in the gaps and, um, bring some massive clarity. Right. Awesome. So just kind of give us just kind of the basic things about ADHD. I know lots of us are exposed to people with ADHD. Lots of my listeners have ADHD, but sometimes I think we have this idea of what it is and maybe, um, you could just kind of clarify like what, what are kind of the things that. are typical for ADHD, especially for adults, right? Like, it's easy maybe to look at a kid and be like, that kid's got ADHD. Yeah, that's, so that's the hyperactive piece, right? That we're used to seeing, uh, a lot of the time young kids in school or church and they're just bouncing off the walls and they have no volume control or personal space, you know, that's, that's oftentimes, um, for years what people have seen. And so it becomes kind of confusing when you hear all these diagnoses. Diagnoses. That sounds funny. Diagnoses. Diagnoses. Yeah. Coming up, uh, to say, well, I've known that person my whole life. How could they possibly have ADHD? And it's a big question, but I think it comes down to if you understand the prefrontal cortex of the brain is essentially the regulation center. And Um, everything that requires regulation, um, is impacted by that prefrontal cortex. And with ADHD, we have underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, or if people don't like that word, it just doesn't quite work the same way that what is termed neurotypical people, uh, it works, you know, for. And so that's time management. That's procrastination. That's regulation of emotion, volume. Um, you know, of course I have ADHD, so memory as I'm trying to think of the list, right? Okay. Memory recall, uh, working memory, executive functions, all of those things are regulated in the prefrontal cortex of the brain. So if that's off, then. A lot of life becomes very, very difficult because we need that regulation center to keep us in check. Right. Okay. So, um, when people are adults, what kind of, is that kind of what they're looking for is just like, I, I just do not seem to function like I think I should. And that's a lot of the time. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of funny because as children, we go to the pediatrician, right? And the pediatrician says, okay, they hit this benchmark or they hit this benchmark. And then by the time we're full grown adults around 25 or so, we're supposed to have this fully developed brain that is supposed to hit all the benchmarks to a certain degree. Yeah. And when we look around and we're seeing other adults hitting those benchmarks, which. With seemingly quite a bit of ease and it's very difficult for us to hit those a lot of questioning starts coming and then of course as coaches like we understand the negative thoughts and the depression and the anxiety that then builds upon us when we don't feel like we're matching up or we don't feel like we're matching up. Um, showing up in the way that we quote unquote should as adults. And so some people go to the psychiatrist or the, the psychologist because they're depressed or because they're extremely anxious or, um, because they feel like something is wrong with them, like intensely wrong with them trying to find answers, um, because of those hardships and oftentimes it ends up. Yeah, so tell me then this is totally personal and you don't have to answer what you don't want to, but like, how was it for your husband? I'm assuming he doesn't have ADHD. My husband is very neurotypical. Okay. Okay. And so was like, did you find that there was like, that it was hard in your relationships? I mean, I don't know how to, I just think marriage is hard regardless. So I don't want to say. Yeah, so it was it was very hard. Okay. Yeah, it's a it's a well intended and correct assumption. So Yeah, and that happens a lot. Um Even in my clientele, right? One of the very first things they want to work on is relationship or like I want to do this better because I know it's Hard on my family or hard on my spouse or hard on my partner, right? So when my when I found out it was actually kind of a relief Um, my husband's really supportive. He's very go with the flow kind of personality. And so it's pretty trusting as well of me. And I didn't know what getting an ADHD diagnosis actually meant at the beginning. Most, um, you know, psychologists, they don't really tell you a whole ton. That's kind of up to you. Unfortunately, they give you a pill sometimes, but they don't give you a plan, right? And, uh, so the more that I delved into it, uh, the more I knew I could figure out what I needed. And so then I was able to communicate that with my husband. In the in between, things were a little bit interesting. Um, there was a lot of, a lot of compromise between how my husband grew up. And what my out of box programming was, right, he had things very particular and organized and, and then he married me and he realized, wow, that's not how cams in is we are oldest has ADHD. Okay. And so it wasn't. It wasn't like an uncommon diagnosis for our home. Mm-Hmm. But I will say that I learned a lot more about the diagnosis once I actually saw it in myself. Mm-Hmm. Um, my daughter at that point was six, so she was still young, you know, like I had been learning, but I was really grateful that my learning about myself. Also coincided with a really important developmental period for her right as well. Yeah. So do you feel like really the key for so much of this is just being able to learn tools, kind of like learning ways to kind of like, like maybe, yeah, take advantage of all the gifts that you have as somebody with ADHD, but also tools to help you function. Because I, I think what you're trying to say is like, the medication is great. If it. But you also need kind of new tools to learn. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you totally do. So in every ADHD or every person with ADHD is different, right? My ADHD looks different than my daughter's ADHD. It's different than my brother's ADHD than my neighbors, right? So, it does have a lot to do with, uh, understanding ourself, accepting ourself, loving the parts of ourself that might work differently than other people's, and then leaning into that. I, I don't really, some people say that ADHD is a superpower, I don't, I don't, I see their point in saying that, um, as like, I can take this and make something better and bigger out of it. Yeah. But I don't. I don't necessarily use that term. I do see ADHD as a disability. Okay. And I see people as incredible. Okay. So if we understand our disability, or our weakness, or our challenge, or our addiction, or whatever it might be, if we look at it instead of ignoring it, We see how it works in us, then all of a sudden, we can think of what the tools might be. We can get the help that we might need. We can communicate with people and ourself, um, with kindness about why things are hard or how we might be able to do something in a different way, instead of thinking, Oh, this is superpower. Like this is okay. And we kind of brushing it aside. Right. Yeah. And we're, we're never going to actually be able to tap into. Our best self, right, right, because you could just hide behind the superpower is what you're kind of implying. Yeah, yeah, I like my dad was a baseball player and I bring this up often, but I think it's relevant. He loved. There's a baseball player named Jim Abbott in the 80s. Jim Abbott didn't have a fully formed hand. But he was a major league baseball player. He was a pitcher. He even pitched a, um, no hitter in the major leagues. And he played for multiple three or four different major league teams. And I always like to say, if he had a coach that coached him like everyone else as to how to swing the bat, um, catch the ball, throw the ball, he would have never been successful. But because he looked at his hand and what was different about it, and he learned his body, he was able to come up with a system honoring his body that allowed him to throw with one hand and then switch his mitt over to catch with that hand and then fling the, you know, ball out of his mitt. He was able to come up with a personalized system honoring the body that he had. In order to be one of the best pitchers in the major leagues, right? I love it. And so I, I think of our disability with ADHD, it's not that we're less than, but it's massively advantageous for us to accept ourself fully as is. Right. So now we can progress from that. Oh, that's so, so good. Yeah. I love it. I love it. And I, and I guess it really is a lot of just like, can I be patient with myself? Can I have compassion and, and maybe sometimes even requesting a little bit from other people while you're figuring it out. Right. Like, yes. Yeah. Accommodations and compromise. That's life. That's relationships. Right. Yes. Give and take. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Totally. Totally. Totally. So I talk on my podcast a lot about desire. And, um, sexual desire for sure and also just like tapping into. You know, the desires that we have for anything, kind of allowing ourself to desire. And I know that you talk about like intimacy and ADHD. And so I'd love to talk about that today because I really feel like, um, I feel like intimacy is a struggle always. And so I don't know, maybe it is different, but no, it is. I'm so glad we're talking about it. It is different. Yeah. Yeah. I mean. Tell me, like, tell me, I'd love to just hear, I know you talk a lot about, like, Eros energy, I know you talk about intimacy, so just, like, tell me a little bit about some of that and, and what your take on it is in an ADHD world, brain, whatever. Yeah, so that's, it's, it's so big, so I think if we can start back with that prefrontal cortex, just that understanding, I won't repeat myself, but if we understand that there is something different with regulation, And then we think about what's involved in intimacy, in connection, in desire, and then taking that desire into action. All of those steps require a sense of regulation. Okay? Smells, um, intentions, communication, uh, desire, um, physical touch, uh, communication with words. All of those things require us to regulate. So when you think of intimacy, physical intimacy, and we think of like where it starts, like far before clothes are off, right? Yeah. Think about like communication in the kitchen or communication with the kids or whatever it might be to connect. If an ADHD or is having a hard day with the regulation center, You can imagine how that will impact a relationship far before we're even in the bedroom. And so, that's the same, right? But now we have to put on the lens of ADHD. Mm hmm. And think about, okay, so if we don't ever get on top of the fact that dinnertime is so intensely chaotic. Mm hmm. Because... Mom talking about myself. Yeah, mom doesn't have a structure of knowing and she's in charge of the evening the dinner Let's just say in my household. Yeah Mom doesn't have a way of knowing what to eat. She keeps getting frozen. She keeps feeling analysis paralysis where she can't move forward because she can't decide what to eat. And so we're having chicken nuggets and it's just a scramble and all these things are happening. It's very chaotic energy. That's not going to romanticize or it's not going to seduce the relationship in the bedroom. Right? Right. And so. You know, that's starting way, way, way before that, but it's also extremely important to, to understand that this comes first, relationship, understanding ADHD, how it's being regulated, how it's being managed in life. First is what we look at. Right. Okay. Okay, just because you're trying to like, is it, is it really trying to teach yourself how to regulate, like how to regulate yourself? Yes. We can't trust our brain to regulate ourself. And so like, think of a child, think of, obviously we've learned a lot more as adults. We've learned through osmosis, through seeing people, right? But naturally our, our body. Regulates like a child where they throw the tantrum, then they're like, Oh, it actually wasn't that big of a deal. Yeah. Why did I just do that? You know, whereas as adults get older, they're less likely to throw the tantrum because of the fully developed brain. Yes. Yeah. People with ADHD still struggle with that because of that prefrontal cortex. Okay. So. I think that your question was, are you just trying to learn to regulate? Yeah. Well, yeah. So it's just I, cause I was like, you know, is it, is it possible to teach your not neurotypical brain, right. To, to be regulated. Is that just what the tools are for is to just try it. Yeah. I think it's learning what produces energy, what, what sucks the energy out of you. If you're a people pleaser. Like because you wanted to mask because I I love to follow the rules as a massive like rule follower And so a lot of the time In order to fit into the box, I would have to mask so much of who I, who I was inside in order to fit somebody else's box. And then I was just so depleted that I didn't have energy to do anything else like past that school period or past that exam or whatever it might be. So what we do is we, we learn to not rely upon the prefrontal cortex, but we learn how. To pause for long enough right that we can create a system that where we can reregulate our bodies so lower our heart rate by breathing, um, remove ourself from the situation to like ground ourself. And I'm talking about like, I know we're talking more like anger and stuff like that but, um. Once we get our brain into a state that's not in fight or flight, then all of a sudden we can trust our creative self. We can trust our problem solving self. Right. But our problem solving self is Unaccessible if we're in fight or flight. Yeah. Right. For anybody's regulation. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So good to know. Okay. So I know you talk about arrows energy. Is that like a good energy for ADHD people? Is it, does it suck the life out of it? I mean, maybe talk, actually maybe talk to the audience about what arrows energy is. Cause I don't know that I've ever really talked about it on here. I ought to, but you're going to do that for me. Yeah. Well, I was just, you know, more recently than not. So. Just as like a background. I, I love studying about sexual intimacy. I've always been really, um, interested in that. And so it's been like book after podcast after book after podcast. So like when we met up today, that's why I'm like, Oh my gosh, it's like two of my favorite things, you know, meeting together. Um, and so I just listened to JFF. Um, I love her. Jennifer, yeah, Finlayson Fife. So she just did a conference, a presentation at a conference I was at about Eros Energy, and I had heard it in a book, I think with Tammy Hill, um, before that, and so I was like, all right, I got to lean into this a little bit more. What I love that she shared is that it's the creative energy. And so you said desire and, um, I think that so much, well, I won't put words in your mouth, but for me, it's like this word of creative. So when you think of like creation, creating, doing, producing, um, envisioning, dreaming, all of that is very, very strong in an ADHD creative mind. If you think of regulation, we don't have like a start stop to the dreaming, like it is just very fluid and big and nonstop, which can become a problem when you need to focus on one thing. Right. But when it comes to this aroused energy of creation and envisioning and all of that part, it's actually. Extremely beautiful. I, um, did find a really interesting quote by Ari Tuchman. He's a ADHD specialist and sex therapist, if you know who he is. I don't. He wrote a book called ADHD after dark. That's all about sexual intimacy for people with ADHD. And he said that he's like, don't worry. I'm not just talking about my opinions. I actually did some research. So he said that there were like 12 things that they measured. Yeah. I'm not going to get all 12 of them here, but there were things like desire, um, sexual intensity, frequency, things, different things like that. And he said out of 12 of those. Uh, specifics, 10 of them were extremely high, were the highest with people with ADHD. And the other two were even, just equal, the same as people that were neurotypical. Right. So if we take the Eros energy and we put it into those parameters, from that research, it seems to be that this creation, that this desire, that this dreaming, this envisioning, tends to be a lot higher. Um, a lot more frequent, a lot more intense, whatever word you want to use for people with ADHD. Not always, so if you're an ADHDer out there not feeling that way, don't feel excluded, okay? This is just one study. Yes. Um, but it, it seems that, and it makes sense. Right? Like we're more impulsive, right? Uh, we're gonna jump off the cliff, you know, and forget our parachutes, everything. Sometimes, um, we're going to want a change in scene. We're going to chase dopamine. We're going to, uh, do all those things because our breaks don't work the same, right? Which is, is awesome when you are going kind of towards creation desire, uh, really like that, that like I'm alive feeling. Yeah. Yeah. And it can be also very distracting as well. Yeah. And so do you feel like. There are unique challenges in intimacy for an ADHD brain, given the fact that you actually can tap into that Eros energy, I would think that would be such a superpower. Hate to use that word for you, but yeah, in the sexual realm, but maybe there are some things that are not as super. Yeah, it can be. It can be so fun. It can be so invigorating and enlightening and all the good adjectives put here, okay? Um, as we understand sexuality and intimacy, there's like the singular, you know, of like understanding I'm a sexual being on my own, and then there's intimacy with my husband, with my partner. Yeah. And, uh, when it comes to that, and there's always communication, I'm sure you talk about this tons on your podcast, but there's always communication because whether or not you're neurotypical and neurodivergent, you know, you still have differences. Yeah. So, so that communication is so important, but then add in aspects like, um, boredom or overstimulation. under stimulation. Um, So what do you mean by like over stimulation? Like, tell me what that means. So if you've had a day of dysregulatedness and the kids have been screaming and you had to do, you know, screaming, the kids have been loud. You've had a lot on your plate to do. Um, you're just tapped out and your body is having trouble re regulating and then. If your partner wants to be intimate, then there's touch, there's sounds, there's smells, there's like, my capacity is like at 2 percent as is. And then we're overwhelming the capacity with so much more input than our body can regulate that it becomes not, I don't know, I was going to say repulsive, but it becomes like our body's trying to repel this. It's there's no more room. There's no more capacity for that. Is that, is this making more sense? Yeah. Yeah. It does. Like I, but I'm like, I feel like I was like that as a young mom. Right. Where I was just like, I am like touched out. And so there was a part of me that was like, I, I relate to that, but you're saying like even. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So assuming that you don't have ADHD and your regulation center is working, you're still pushed to a capacity, right? Our threshold is often a lot lower. Okay. Um, when it comes, unless we know how to regulate what energy, what, um, what things suck our energy, what things are energizing, what, like, we have to be so aware of. Thank you. Uh, the balance because our body doesn't do it for us. Right. Okay. So now in my life, I've been doing this for four years for myself, right? I'm a little bit more aware of what my capacity is, what I'm going to say yes or no to. But for someone who hasn't put in the work or hasn't even had the education, this is, this is not real life. Okay. And, and I have massively difficult days too. Right. Yeah. So you can go the other way though, too. We've talked about overstimulation under. Right? Like, your partner's all revved up, they're ready to go, they're excited, and you're like, I am so bored. I can't think of every other thing in the world except for the person in front of me right now. Right? I'm so understimulated. And so they must, they're totally fine, you know, being there, being present with you, but your brain is elsewhere and you would rather be elsewhere. And so, uh, creativity. That's why, you know, candles or newer scents or, uh, games or, um, communication like talking, you know, doing something a little bit different, a different room, a different place, you know, whatever it might be is so important that novelty, um, can be so helpful for somebody that's under stimulated and their intimate relationship. Right. Cause it is kind of increased. It's like novelty will increase that arrow synergy, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Massively. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And so do you feel, tell me like how emotional intimacy connects here? Do you, do you feel like Uh, there is difficult to like have that emotional intimacy at times, given the, yeah, they're hard questions. I mean, if you have to be willing to communicate about some pretty big issues here, right. Which as we've talked about requires, uh, self acceptance and self love, you know, not apologizing for who you are with ADHD. So that self acceptance, that vulnerability of saying. This isn't really working and, um, pushing through that. I'd also highlight that people with ADHD suffer from something called rejection sensitivity. Oh, tell me about this. Yeah, it's very intense. It's very nauseating. So there is someone that termed the term RSD, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. So just like the word says dysphoria, like where you feel like completely confused and it just feels awful. I have felt that the official term, however, is just rejection sensitivity, something that we, um, we feel. And from a personal experience, this is a form of rejection that sends you in such intense emotional shutdown that. You almost don't feel what's up and what's down. It is so overwhelming. It feels like, and this is the regulation, right? A small rejection all of a sudden feels like a storm has just washed over your body. Really? Yeah, it's awful. It's really, really awful. So to bring this back to your question of how does this relate to emotional intimacy, it makes sense that if we know that that's on the other end of feeling awful. Yes. If we know that's on the other end of feeling awful, then We're not going to open ourself up to being rejected. And so our emotions will sometimes be kept far from. A place of like, oh my gosh, they're going to reject me, especially with something with sex. It's so personal and it feels so tied to worth and worthiness and you know, cause we do that. Yeah. Why would you ever want to open up just to be rejected and feel that way? So yes, it certainly does. Tie into it. Okay. So when you have that kind of rejection, what, what is a tool? Like if someone was listening to this and we're like, Oh yeah, that is me. I totally have that. Is there, is there something to be done to kind of help regulate that? Or is it more of just kind of allowing that experience to happen and just like holding onto yourself a little bit. As you learn to understand your ADHD once again, uh, then the self compassion piece really starts to take. The phrase, this makes sense has saved me a million times, right? So I love how you said, do we just kind of sit in it? And when I'm sitting in that, knowing that this is what happens when this. frontal cortex doesn't work correctly. And I say, Oh, I hate this so much, but it makes sense. It makes sense. Yeah. It makes sense because I have ADHD, my body isn't regulating. And so I'm just going to sit in this nausea and remind myself that it's okay. And, uh, Let it be okay. And then hopefully you can ground yourself enough. You can communicate if it's important to communicate to your partner and say, I'm so sorry, I'm feeling massive rejection. This is not necessarily from you. It's just how my body is taking it and responding. Yes. These are some of the thoughts that I'm having, and then they probably implement all the skills that you teach them on this podcast of how to communicate. Right. Uh, But it's really, it's really healthy to, to recognize that that's just part of your biology right now. You didn't do anything wrong. Yeah. And being able to name it for sure, right. Just to be able to be like, this is what's happening. Even sometimes for myself, if I can just say like, I know I'm acting immature right now. Right. Just naming it just somehow just kind of takes the power out of it all. So I can, yeah, I can see that. So what are some practical tips you could give people who have ADHD or who think maybe that they do when it comes to intimacy? Is there anything that you feel like would be kind of a few things helpful for people? Sure. Uh, so ADHD years, we really benefit from flexible structure. So. Flexible structure. Yeah. That sounds like my kind of structure. Living, breathing structure. Right? Yeah. An idea of how you want it to go, but it's okay. So being flexible with how it actually happens. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. If we don't have any structure at all, then that's when our anxiety increases intensely. Okay. Because. Yes. Yes. Once again, there's no regulation. So we don't know what's first, what comes second. We don't know, um, how to keep everything in our working memory. So things that you might remember easily, we spend all of our energy trying to keep front of mind. Like we actively have to remember things. So when it comes to connection with a partner, you know, It's not going to come naturally unless we have some kind of reminders or some kind of structure. So that could be scheduled sex. That could be, uh, scheduled dates that could be reminders. I have a vision board that I keep in my shower and a sleep protector and I change it out about every three or four months. Um, to remind me of the things that I want to be reminded of. And, uh, so you could put something on there to help remind yourself of that. That could be like, even within your sexual experience, like coming up with something in the moment is often very stressful. And so it could be a menu of options that could be your flexible structure of like. I keep in my drawer, my special drawer, I keep like all of my favorite activities that have worked in the past with my partner or that helped me feel more aroused or that help with my desire. Or, um, it could even be like mantras or, you know, just something to something that is more than nothing. Something that is, uh, intentional and is designed and is set up. I also like. Books like certain books that help me get in the mood or that remind me of what I've learned like those are there to be accessed when I need them when my brain is out to lunch. Yeah. Right. So that kind of flexible structure. Yeah. Okay. Awesome. What else? Um, sensory experiences, we've talked a little bit about that, but incorporating all the different senses or maybe a sense that you normally wouldn't use, that's going to help with those under and overstimulated moments, right? Maybe you're just so done with how things have always been, um, creating some more of that novelty, uh, is. Um, and then I would say like listening to podcasts like this, uh, learning skills to learn how to communicate to help with self acceptance, uh, to help communicate what you're learning about yourself with ADHD and then say it when you're, when you're in the moment, it sounds like, I'm so sorry. I keep getting distracted because the music's too loud and I can't focus on you. Right. Okay. Or like this playlist isn't working. Yeah. Yeah. This is not doing it for me. Yeah. And instead of being like the people pleaser, because ADHDers we are, we're constantly like, is it just me? Is it just me? It's just me. We're constantly asking ourself that because a lot of the time it is, we spend our whole life being different from other people and having to pretend like we're not right. Okay. So taking that wall down and communicating, it's too loud, this isn't the right playlist, we need to try something new, like just, uh, you know, being honest, it could just also be, um, I got unfocused, like, oh, so sorry, I was totally thinking of something else, I was having an ADHD moment, I'm back, instead of saying, I'm the worst, I should have been paying attention, how could I do this to my spouse, I'm the worst wife, you know, all these things that layer that pressure and that, negativity on us. And then, of course, we're not gonna have a good experience. But just speaking the truth of what it's like to live with ADHD. Um, I don't know if you use the model to use the model. You talk about the model. Okay. So you, so your, your result and your action line, your action line is going to be filled with a ton of negativity. If your thought line is pretend like you don't have ADHD, like just, if you just pretend like ADHD doesn't exist, things will be better. If that's your thought line, okay. Your action, you can expect your actions to be not. Awesome. And your result to be like, not great sex on your, on your side. Right. Not a good experience. Yes. If your thought line then shifts to honor your ADHD and communicate, I honoring my ADHD and I communicate it, then your emotion line is going to change. Um, your action line is going to change, right? You're going to have a much different result. It might take some time, you know, it might, you know, you have to learn some things about each other, but over time things are going to be much better. But isn't that like really the key to intimacy is this idea of like, I'm going to let you actually see all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly, I'm going to see all of you. And it's, it's not even cause I have to love all of it, but I'm willing to show you. And, and so, yeah, when we're masking or pretending or trying to pretend we don't have. Then, yeah, I can see how it actually, it just isn't even intimate. And even though it feels really vulnerable to be, to say, like, not working for me. You might be physically vulnerable, but the real true connection is so much deeper than the physicality. Right? Yes. Can you actually have that kind of emotional vulnerability that, cause like you said, nobody likes rejection. And, but if you have that real storm of rejection, potentially it would, I can understand why you'd want to hide. Yeah. Yeah. So this, just quickly, is there any advice you would give to a spouse of somebody who has ADHD? Like if you're, if you are the neurotypical in your relationship, what kind of, uh, advice would you give that would have been, was helpful for you or would have been helpful in your situation? This one is always so interesting to me because every. Know, a spouse is so different. Every person with a DH, adhd, let's say, let's assume okay? That the, the A DH ADHD or the person in the relationship with a DH ADHD has listened to this full podcast. Mm-Hmm, okay? And they've learned all the things that we've talked about today, and they're on board. They're saying, yes, I will fully accept that these things are actually a part of me. I have self-acceptance. Okay, if that. is the ADHD er, then I can speak to the spouse. Okay. Okay. A lot of people with ADHD are still in massive denial or just haven't had time to research or haven't had the time or space to learn this about them themselves. Okay. Um, denial may have been a little harsh. Sorry. Just, you know, are on their way or they're taking a different road. So I will speak to the partner of somebody that agrees with this podcast. Sure. Sure. And I will say. That your flexibility is going to be equally as helpful in the relationship and, you know, get ready to be surprised because, because of my need for novelty, for changing things up, for seeing things from different perspectives. My husband has been forced into growth. He would have never anticipated on his own. And he would say that for sure. And, and that's in every aspect, right? That's in how we vacation. That's in how we rear our children. That's in how we, uh, design our home. That's in everything, how we schedule, um, because. Life isn't so rigid and people with ADHD must see multiple ways to a solution in order to get there. And so if you can think of it more as like a journey of discovery instead of the most efficient one way to get there, then it might be more beneficial. I think that's great advice. That's probably great advice for all, all of us in our marriages is just a little more flexibility. Okay, so. Camden, how can people find you who are definitely gonna be looking for you?'cause I know I have listeners who will be looking for you. So a h years, we're everywhere. Watch out Yes. Um, you can find me on Instagram, uh, Camden, adhd. Camden's with a K. Yeah. Um, my website is camden adhd coaching.com. And then if you are a member of the LDS Faith, then you can listen to my podcast, I mean. Everyone can listen to my podcast, but it's more specialized toward people who are members of the church, ADHD context called the busy brained saint. Awesome. Okay. I will link to all of that in the show notes, people. So you'll be able to find it. No problem. And you won't have to worry about spelling anything wrong. If you have a name like Jamelyn or Camden with a K, you're not as easy to find. No, we are. It's fine. But we're worth finding. Search us up. Awesome. Camden, I so, so appreciate you coming on and talking about this today and for being vulnerable. Uh, and sharing your story. Cause it was a lot of your story, which I feel like people can relate to and, and it's helpful. So thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Oh, it's my pleasure. Thanks for having me on. It was a lot of fun. No problem. Have a good week, everybody. Bye. Thanks for listening today. If you like what you hear on the podcast, and you'd like to learn more, feel free to head over to my website. Jamilin Stephan coaching.com or find me on Instagram or Facebook at Jamileh. step in coaching.