#103 - Be Kind

I really believe it is important to be kind, but this can be hard in difficult situations or when others may be unkind to me. On this episode I share some personal experiences and observations to emphasize the need for conscious effort in choosing kindness, even when faced with adversity. I also suggest various strategies for cultivating kindness in our interactions with others.

Feeling Kind episode:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1929716/12771047-feeling-kind

https://jamelynstephan.com

https://jamelynstephan.com/meet-with-me/

https://www.instagram.com/jamelyn_stephan_coaching/

jamelyn@jamelynstpehan.com

Transcript

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I'm jamielynn Stephan and this is what to watch. Episode number 103. Be kind. Welcome to want to want it a podcast for women of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints who are ready to ignite not only their sexual desire, but all of their desires to create a more fulfilling life and marriage. I'm jamielynn Stephan. I'm a certified life coach, a wife, and a mother of seven children. I'm excited to share my personal journey to desire with you and teach you how to desire more as well Hello, everybody. Welcome to Tuesday. If you're listening to this on the day that it comes out. I still have a little bit of this cold hanging on. So my apologies about my. Extra sexy voice. For all of you out there. Um, so this topic today be kind. It actually feels like it's kind of always on my mind. I remember, um, really as a child and a youth, it was super important to me to be kind now. I was actually terrible at it at times, because it was also very important to me to be right. And oftentimes I would sacrifice kindness for my pride. I want it to be kind, but I also really prided myself on being able to come up with the most skating come back when I felt like someone was being mean to me or just, you know, Fighting to the death about what I was right about and they were wrong without. So I had to learn over the years to choose kindness more, not just when it's easy for me, but when it is hard for me, So, like I said, at the beginning of this topic is almost always on my mind because it's a huge work in progress for me. My kids will tell you that. The side saying to them, get off your phone. I probably say be kind way too much. Again, not because I'm perfect at it, but because perfect editor, not, it matters so much to me. So I really want to say, sorry to any of you out there who are listening, that I maybe have offended because I was not so kind in a moment. And I apologize because I really do want to do better at this. But the reason I wanted to finally do a podcast on this is because I think I've just kind of hit almost a tipping point or the experiences that I've witnessed and been a part of. Um, you know, like the buckets in the spray parks that fill with water, and then it reaches a point where they start to tip and all the water pours out. I think I'm finally kind of like that. I just kind of wonder, what is with all of us, why can't we just be kind. So. Today, I don't actually want to focus on. Acts of kindness or being more deliberate about doing something kind every day. I think that stuff is awesome. I think if more of us made it a priority to do just even one kind thing a day, it would literally change us forever and would positively change the world because. Even one person being kinder increases the overall kindness in the world. And I love that. But I don't really want that to be the focus of this podcast because I could sit here and list off ideas, like leave a generous tip for that waitress who was so amazing or hold the door for someone or smile at a stranger, or offer your seat to an older person on the bus. Like I could go through all these kinds of ideas and you could implement them. And you would be more deliberately kind and it would bring more kindness into the world. But what I really want to look at today is what about the times it's kind of quote, unquote, harder to be kind. That's what I want to focus on today because. Really. It's easy to be kind to a child who's lost in a store. Right. That doesn't diminish the impact of that kindness, but it actually requires very little of us to see someone suffering and offer kindness to them. It's within our God, given divine nature to do that where I think I have more work to do. And what I see in several recent experiences of other people is our need to be kind when it's hard. Those times when it can feel. Kind of like we're justified in being unkind. That's the work I want to do on myself. And that's what I want to discuss today. If you think about the savior. You know, he comes and says, you know, we've been told to love our neighbors and hate our enemies, but he's like, that's not really how it's going to work. He talks about a higher law, higher way of being it's loving those people who hate us. It's loving our enemies. Right. That is harder work. It's easy to love someone who loves you. It's easy to be kind to someone who's been kind to you. Where it gets kind of mucky and hard. Is when you're not being treated kind or there's reasons that you feel justified to be unkind. So first I kind of had to ask myself, when is it harder for me to be kind. And when do I see for other people that it's harder for them to be kind. So I came up with a few ideas, probably not all of the ideas that I could have, but it is a good question to ask yourself. And you can add to this list if you want to, where is it that I struggle being kind and what's going on for me? I'm just going to share this list to give myself and you more awareness, because the reality is without awareness, we can't really change our behaviors. It's much easier for us to change what we actually see. Certainly when I'm overtired. It makes it harder for me to be kind. Along with that is being sick or in physical pain. That can make it harder to be kind. And I think again, every one of us can sympathize with this. But I am just more and more inclined to believe. It's still doesn't make it right to be mean or unkind. But I see that for me and for others when we are physically uncomfortable or in pain. We're going to struggle with kindness. Stress. Stress can make it hard to be kind. We've got lots on our mind. We feel like there's a lot to do. And it can start to feel like other people are barriers to getting out of our stress. Right. You're just making it harder for me to get finished. What I need to do. Or they can feel like they're just adding to the stress. And when we feel like that, we're not going to be kind, always, and like I've shared before, when my kids were little, even just the stress of having company that's coming to my house, turned me into a raging lunatic. If they weren't helping decrease my stress by working in the house that made them a part of my stress and they heard about it. It wasn't good. Disappointment can make it hard to be kind. Maybe you've had a spouse or a child do something that was particularly disappointing. And you find yourself saying things in that moment that are hurtful in return. I have actually seen grown men blow a gasket or try to start fights when their kids didn't win a basketball game. And they're disappointed with the reffing or with the coach. When things seem unfair, it can feel hard to be kind. I know mothers who have torn strips off of teachers that they feel like have treated their children unfairly. My own kids have told me how ridiculous I am for some of the rules that I enforce that they feel are unfair. Which is kind of hilarious because I don't know why they think by putting me down, that's going to change my mind ever. They don't really understand the psyche of a mom. I don't think, but they will let me know in no uncertain terms, what a crazy person I am for the rules that I have, that they feel like are unfair. When we perceive a loss of control, it can bring out the worst in us. I know many husbands and wives that can get mean. If they feel like their spouse is trying to be controlling or like, think about when COVID hit and healthy disease and the government, they're all trying to figure out what's the best way to handle a pandemic. Right? What do we do? What's the best way to keep everybody safe? And so they start to put restrictions on all of us. Now, most of us were pretty bothered by that, but some of us were totally outraged and couldn't even speak about the members of government. Without adding super mean adjectives to their names. Now at the time someone close to us was in a local government and I am not joking. The unspeakably mean things. People left on his doorstep because of their frustration with COVID restrictions was shocking to me. One of my kids actually said, why would anybody want to be in politics ever if this is how you get treated. And I was like, you know what, don't do it. Cause you're right. It's crazy. When you're a politician, people forget you're a person. And that the home they're leaving their nasty little poster at belongs to a family. And they're just downright mean. But when we feel like things are out of our control, we can be unkind and do things we would not otherwise do. When we feel like we have been a victim. We can be unkind. Now I get it because sometimes we actually have legitimately been victimized by someone. But most of the time, it's just a story that we're telling ourselves to justify being unkind. Maybe you got, I don't know. Let's see a phone bill. You got a phone bill and it's not right. They've charged you too much. Do you phone the phone company and let the guy on the other end, just have it. I know people do this. They feel like they're a victim to the phone company. And so then they just fight back to the nail. Or what about when you feel like you aren't being respected? This is one where I see people get mean, like you don't respect me, and now I'm going to act disrespectfully to you because you deserve it for treating me with such disrespect. Now I'd love to say that only 1950 dads were this way, but we see it today with parents and their children. If they feel like their children are not quote unquote, respecting them. They feel like they're victims to the disrespect of their children. And then they are unkind in return. Another time. I think people have a hard time being kind. Is when they, or someone they love has been treated unkindly. And this kind of goes along with that victim mentality. I've been at local sporting events when a parent feels like the coach, isn't kind enough to their kid or feels like the coach is punishing their kid by keeping them on the bench and they will let the coach have it. That's another thing I say to my kids, don't be a politician and don't be a coach. People think it's okay to be terrible to you. Now, it's not that the parent may be wrong. That may be right on. Maybe the coach is being unkind. But does that mean that you should be unkind in return? We can justify our unkindness that way, but does it actually make it okay. I just don't think so. Last year, I did a podcast on feeling kind, meaning. You're not just acting kind, but you're actually working on feeling kindness towards other people. It's actually a good podcast. Go listen to it. I'll put a link in the show notes for it. But on that episode, I talked about. You know, people we deem hard to love or hard to be kind to. Most of the time, we're just looking at the personalities of these people and we feel like they just have a way of being that makes it difficult for us to be kind to like, maybe they talk too much or they're too bossy, or they don't seem to understand social norms or they're always super critical of others, or they're just kind of strange, but whatever it is, it can just feel hard for us to be kind to them. It's not really a them problem. It's an us problem, but it can feel like it's hard to be kind. And then we're unkind. And lastly, I think a reason we feel like it's okay to be unkind is because we feel so terrible about ourselves and we just want to cut everyone else down so we can feel better about ourselves. And I promise this is not just a teenage thing. This is an almost everyone thing. It is hard to be kind when your self esteem depends on you finding and exposing the flaws of others. And maybe you don't say it to their face. But do you gossip about them? Gossip is unkind. And you need to check in with yourself. Do I speak unkindly about them and tear them down to other people so that I can feel better? The answer most likely will be. Yes. In fact, I would just say that you should say to yourself, I gossip about them because it makes me feel good because I know I've gossiped in the past. I know why I'm doing it. If I'm honest with myself. So just be honest. So you can start to do something about it. So, these are just a few reasons off the top of my head of why we can find it hard to be kind. But I want to point out that they're just excuses we use to justify ourselves when we aren't kind. Right. We say things like, like they were so mean to me. They were unfair to my kid. They're so annoying. They were so disrespectful or I can't believe he would ask me to do that. Can you see how much I have on my plate or that coach doesn't appreciate my kid or he was such a jerk to me, right. And maybe all of those excuses that we use to justify our unkindness, our true. Maybe your kid was disrespectful. Maybe the government leaders are out of touch. Maybe that guy was mean maybe somebody did wrongfully accused your kid. Maybe your boss expects too much from you. But the question remains. Is there ever an excuse for being unkind? No, what I'm talking about this, I don't want to tell you that you should put up with abuse or remain silent. If there's things that need to be said. But I do believe that we can take care of ourselves. And speak honestly, with kindness. I've been thinking a lot lately about some emotional muscles that I have neglected, and then I need to start working on. And I think many of us, especially when we feel justified. Use our unkindness muscle way too much because let's face it. It takes real work and deliberate effort to speak kindly to someone who is being unkind to you. It takes genuine humility to thank a coach or a teacher for the time they give to your child. When you feel like they don't always treat your child fairly. It takes courage to speak up in defense of someone when others are gossiping about them. It takes incredible self-control to answer patiently when deadlines are pressing and interruptions, keep holding you back from completing your task. My little 12 year old was so out of sorts the other day. And could not open her mouth without being snappy and mean. I just finally said to her, Hey, like, you can feel frustrated and angry, but I need you to not act frustrated and angry at everybody around you. She was like, how do I possibly do that? It's not possible. And she was just super snappy about it. I didn't get it. I feel like it's impossible sometimes, but I assured her that even when your feelings are raging in you, that you can have some self control and how you speak to other people. And I also told her that it might be a good time to not speak or to excuse herself for a time so that she wouldn't say things that she would later regret. It takes a lot to manage strong emotions and act in ways that are kind. I think we all try it and we all fail at this, but I also know that the more we are willing to practice the better at it, we can get. But that takes work. I think that's the work Christ is inviting us into, of not just loving and being kind to those who are kind to us. It's can you be kind and loving? When it's hard when you meet opposition. That's what he's inviting us to do. And that's the muscle we need to start working on is being kind regardless. And if we have been people who indulgent unkindness, because we feel we can justify it, it's going to take a lot more effort. And just for a minute, I just want to talk about indulging. Because it is indulgent to be unkind. It is throwing off self-control and letting your unbridled self take over. And even though we all have times that we do it. We don't respect it when we see it in other people, we don't, because it really is not respectable. So if it helps you, I think it is a good idea to catch yourself before you indulge in unkindness and remind yourself that you actually want to act in a way that is worthy of respect. Now I have had times when I have. Had a massive rant and rave and told someone off in my head because I'm so mad and it feels so good. And I wish I could just let them have it right. It's all happening in my head. But I'm like what I would say if I got them in front of me, but I am so thankful for the times that I have not followed through on that. I don't want that kind of regret in my life, or at least not any more of it. And I want to get good at using different emotional and relational muscles. It's time for me to grow up and it's time for many of you to grow up to. President Nelson encouraged us to learn how to manage honest differences of opinion with mutual respect and dignified dialogue. That takes effort. But I actually think it is worth it. He also wants us to build bridges of understanding and he acknowledges that to do that. We'll require more of us than being unkind to those. We disagree with. He goes on to say my dear brothers and sisters, how we treat each other really matters how we speak to and about others at home at church at work and online really matters. Today, I'm asking us to interact with others in a higher holier way. Please listen carefully. If there's anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy that we can say about another person, whether to his face or behind her back. That should be our standard of communication. I love that. If we are always wanting to speak virtuously. Lovely. Good report praiseworthy about other people. It will make it so much easier for us to be kind. Life is going to be unfair. We are going to get treated unkindly. Our children are going to face disappointment. Our husband's going to get sick. Stress is going to come. THe government is going to make choices. We don't support or understand the impact us. We are going to be wrongly accused. We are going to want to fight for the underdog. I remember as a teenager, there were some boys in our school that were just bullying and teasing this kid who obviously had a super hard life and I just, my heart just broke watching it. And so I finally just said some really mean things to those boys and put them down and tried to make them feel small and terrible about themselves. And just thinking about it today. I feel like I would probably do the same thing over again. It just felt so unfair how mean they were being to this poor kid. But I also recognize that part of the reason I would do the same thing over again. It's because I don't really know what else I could have done. And in that moment, I certainly did not know. And that's what we need to figure out. That's the muscle, right? How could I help an underdog while still treating other people with dignity and kindness? That's the question? It's a hard question. But I know there's an answer out there. And honestly, even just asking it right now, I'm like, okay, I guess I could have simply just said, Hey, you guys are being super mean. That's not kind. And then just put my arm around the kid and walked away. So, what I really want to challenge all of us to do now is to start brainstorming ways to be kind when it feels hard to be kind and require yourself to do it. I am trying to do this. It's not going well all the time, but I just feel so strongly about it. Remembering that other people are humans who struggle with their own. Things in their own lives can help us. Right. Practice being more forgiving. Work on not being so easily offended. That in itself. Decreases your desire to be unkind. People don't mean to offend 99% of the time. If your goal is to learn, to forgive more, you are going to be more inclined to return kindness to people instead of hatred or meanness. Get yourself to a place of gratitude. Gratitude is so healing and gratitude will help you be kind. So get yourself to a place of gratitude before you go to your boss or to that teacher or whoever it is with a problem. When you feel grateful for someone, it will help you be kind. And honestly, even just saying the words, Hey. I am so grateful for you is powerful. And it's one of the kindest things that we can do for someone else. Even if you have to have a Frank and honest conversation with someone right. Maybe you have a sister-in-law that there's a problem with. And you're like, Hey. I want you to know. I am so grateful to have you for my sister-in-law. I am so thankful for the good app that you are to my kids. I'm just struggling right now because I feel like sometimes you're hard on my teenage son. And I know he makes tons of mistakes. He's not always polite. It just means so much to me. If you could just show him a little more love and patients, right. And I don't know in what world you're having that conversation, but it's just showing that gratitude speaking, honestly, but always with kindness. And even if your sister-in-law gets defensive, you just remind yourself that your goal is to be kind and that you're going to require yourself to be kind right. It's requiring yourself to stay in that good behavior and not allowing yourself to indulge in the unkindness. Being kinder is something I want to want. Well, honestly, it's something that I just really desire so much. Not just when it's easy. Right when it's easy. That's not really requiring much of me. I want to get better at being kind when it's hard. That is my work to do. And I'm inviting you to join me in it. Come let's do it. You guys I'll talk to you next week. Bye. Thanks for listening today. If you like what you hear on the podcast, and you'd like to learn more, feel free to head over to my website. Jamilin Stephan coaching.com or find me on Instagram or Facebook at Jamileh. step in coaching.