Do you ever feel like you just care too much about what other people think of you? I get it. We all desire to be liked and accepted by others. But what would it be like if you decided that it's okay for people to be wrong about you? I promise, you want to learn how to do this. It's life changing.
https://jamelynstephan.com
https://jamelynstephan.com/meet-with-me/
https://www.instagram.com/jamelyn_stephan_coaching/
jamelyn@jamelynstpehan.com
Do you ever feel like you just care too much about what other people think of you? I get it. We all desire to be liked and accepted by others. But what would it be like if you decided that it's okay for people to be wrong about you? I promise, you want to learn how to do this. It's life changing.
https://jamelynstephan.com
https://jamelynstephan.com/meet-with-me/
https://www.instagram.com/jamelyn_stephan_coaching/
jamelyn@jamelynstpehan.com
I'm jamielynn Stephan and this is what to wanted. Episode number 104. You can be wrong about me. Welcome to want to want it a podcast for women of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints who are ready to ignite not only their sexual desire, but all of their desires to create a more fulfilling life and marriage. I'm jamielynn Stephan. I'm a certified life coach, a wife, and a mother of seven children. I'm excited to share my personal journey to desire with you and teach you how to desire more as well Hello, everybody. Welcome to the podcast today. I had to go back and check to be sure that I hadn't done an episode on this before, because my memory is sometimes not great. I've only done a hundred episodes and I can't remember what I've done. I've repeated an episode before, so I didn't really want to do that. Uh, but I did find that I've done one on being willing to be. He wrong. Wrong, but I wanted. Wanted to talk today about. Something that I am not perfect at implementing yet, but that has been so great for me when I do choose to use it. And it is this idea that it's okay for people to be wrong about me. Now. Before I dive into this. It is completely normal for us to want people, to like us and to think good things about us that doesn't make us meaty or weird. We just are tribal people. From birth. We look to those around us to tell us if we're okay and acceptable and a part of the group. So it matters to us to be thought of, well, Now. Something that I have said so many times in my own life and I hear other people say it all the time, as well as I just wish I didn't care so much about what other people think of me. Because that caring feels like a prison sometimes. Now. I don't actually think it's true that we don't want to care what anybody ever thinks about us. I do think there are people in our lives that we want to care about what they think about us, but that's probably a topic for a totally different day. I think what we are expressing when we say I wish I didn't care what other people thought of me. Is just this feeling of ease and freedom and maybe even more authenticity that we feel like would come into our lives. If we weren't constantly worried about managing how other people saw us and what they thought about us and I get it. It would feel so free, but most of us have been conditioned to want the approval of others. And let's face it. We want to feel good about ourselves, but we really won't let ourselves feel good about ourselves unless everyone else tells us we can. So we're always waiting for the outside world to give us permission, to love and accept ourselves as we are. And so we spend our time trying to control what other people think about us. Which is completely impossible. But for whatever reason, it feels so useful to our brains. And our brains actually think it is easier to control the narrative. Others have about us than it is to control the narrative we have about ourselves. But that is the biggest lie. It is actually a million times easier to change your mind about yourself. Than it is to make someone else change their mind about you. Now. That being said, even though it is way easier, it is still work to change the stories that you have had about yourself. It takes deliberate effort to require yourself to respect and love you. If you spent 20 or 30 or 40 years telling yourself that you aren't worthy of acceptance and love until the entire world tells you that you are. Another thing we as humans really want to feel besides acceptable and good enough and well thought of. Is, we want to feel understood. I can only speak from my own experience, but nothing frustrates me more than feeling like I am misunderstood, especially with my husband. I hate it when he thinks something about me that isn't accurate. I don't know if you've read pride and prejudice or seen the movie, but there's a part where Elizabeth Bennett has had this big misunderstanding with Mr. Darcy. Really she's misunderstood him. And she says, I know I shall probably never see him again, but I cannot bear to think that he's alive in the world and thinking ill of me. That is how I feel sometimes. When I feel like my husband has it all wrong about me. I think of this quote from Elizabeth. Like, I just can't bear to have him thinking ill of me. In general. I actually can't bear having people who don't understand the whole story, thinking ill of me, and really this all goes back to the idea of wanting people to think good things about us. And most of us are convinced that if they really knew us, if they really understood, they would think better thoughts about us. And honestly, I really can't argue with this. I will say that the more I practice trying to first seek to understand. The greater my empathy and acceptance of others is it just is. So there is validity to the notion that if you understood me, really understood me. You would think nicer thoughts about me? But the reality is that we live in a world where very few people will ever truly understand as well and where people have their own insecurities and views of the world and childhood experiences, different trials or issues that they're dealing with that make it so that every one of us makes judgements and decisions about the people around us that really aren't accurate or fair for the most part. We make up stories about other people and people make up stories about you. And you really can't control whether those stories about you ever change or not. So instead of frantically trying to make people think about you the way you want to be thought of, why not try on the idea that it's actually okay for people to be wrong about you. Now the first time one of my coaches presented me with this idea. I was totally repulsed by it. Like no way. I can't give people permission to be wrong about me. That sounds like a very terrible idea because first of all, what if they share it with other people? And they should see me the way that I want to be seen. They need to see me for who I feel like I am. But the more, I kind of threw this idea around in my head, the more I realized how freeing it could be. So for example, If I went to see someone, someone maybe they're sick or whatever, I go and visit them. And they feel like my visit. Wasn't very sincere. But I knew that that wasn't true. I didn't have to now phone them or text them. Do you know, try and be like, Hey, it was so, so great to see you. And I hope, you know, how much I really wanted to see you and loved seeing you. You know, just to prove to them that I was so happy to be on that visit and I don't want them to be wrong about me. I wouldn't have to spend any energy on it at all, because I could just say, you know what? That's okay. I know I went to visited them. I know that I was sincere and I care about them. So it's okay for them to be wrong about me. And that's it. End of story. No more energy spent trying to change the mind of someone who probably doesn't want to change their mind. No more trying to control what is actually out of my control. I can instead spend my brain power on other things instead of stewing and trying to change something. I can't change. Plus what I think they're wrong about me. I realize I have a choice. I can get all over their back to make them change their mind. Or I can do the better work, the work that makes me a stronger woman and get my own back and say, I know why I did what I did and I know I'm a good person and it's okay if they're wrong about me. The practice of this actually increases your confidence because you're forced to actually decide if you want to have your own back or not. You no longer are leaning on everyone. Else's confidence in you. You have to lean on your own confidence in you. And so when you practice allowing people to be wrong about you. Your confidence increases because you have to stand by yourself more. I hope that makes sense because confident people, truly confident people are okay with being wrong and with other people being wrong about them. So when I realized the freedom that comes from practicing this new idea of it's okay, you can be wrong about me. I was suddenly all over it because first of all, in all of my years of trying to make people believe certain stories about me, They still don't. People have been wrong about me my whole life and not all people, but there's probably always someone out there who's wrong about me. So I was never really eliminating this quote unquote problem of people thinking differently about me than I wanted them to. And the other thing I realized is that when I get really fierce about someone not being wrong about me, I usually act in ways that really reinforce their negative story about me, especially with my kids or my husband. I can get really kind of belligerent when I feel desperate for them to think about me, how I want them to think about me. And that just proves that maybe they're right about me after all, because I'm acting so badly. So giving people permission to be wrong about us. Not that they need our permission. Right. They get to think that they want to think. But when we tell our brains that we give other people permission to be wrong about us, it also gives us permission to not have to agree with them. Now, the only thing I would caution you on here is the temptation to get kind of arrogant in this space or, you know, become kind of mean about it. I don't actually recommend a screw you type approach to this. It's it's not meant to be well, you're an idiot, so I don't care that you're wrong about me. If we're feeling defensive or wanting to push it off and make the other person out to be a villain, this means that you probably actually do still care that they're wrong about you. And maybe even that you're really worried that they might be right about you. So it's not really coming from that inner confidence. I talked about before it's coming from this protective defensive place. So if you feel yourself getting really defensive and saying, you can be wrong about me, a big jerk. That's not what I'm really talking about here, because you probably need to take a good look at yourself and ask yourself, like, why am I feeling so defensive about this? Is there truth to this? I don't want to see. Or is it that even though I wish I felt differently, I really do care deeply what he or she thinks of me. If you're in that kind of a Headspace, right. Where you're feeling defensive or you're worried that what they're saying is true or that you really do care what they think. Don't try to tell yourself or them that you're okay with them being wrong about you because you're not. So please don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. I'm not saying that you're going to go from this place of. I need everyone to like me to this place of screw you world. I don't care what you think of me because that's actually not confidence. That's just swinging from this really needy position to a more kind of walled off distant, non intimate place of protection. It's it's swinging from like me so that I can like me. To kind of this place of. I need you to stay away from me so I can like me. I need to hear less from, you know, less from you so I can hold on to what I feel about myself. So, what I'm talking about is getting to a place where I like me and I like me enough that I'm okay if you don't like me all the time or ever, but I can still, like you. So when we're saying. It's okay. You can be wrong about me. It almost needs to kind of have this little add. I love you added onto the end or at least. You know, it's okay for you to be wrong about me. And I understand that your life experience and your hurts and trials and obstacles make it so that you can't see me as I really am. And I can have compassion for that, and I don't need to be angry at you because you're wrong about me. Because let's face it. If people are wrong about us, we are most likely wrong about other people. And by giving people permission to be wrong about me, it opens me up to the idea that maybe I'm wrong about other people. I know probably many of us have had experiences where we meet someone and we have a mutual acquaintance or a mutual friend that comes up in a conversation. And perhaps the other person you're with has a totally different opinion or story about that mutual friend. So who's right about them. I guess maybe no one or maybe both of you. But it certainly takes confidence and courage to say, maybe I've been wrong about this person. The easier role that too often, maybe we take is that we want to let this other person know how wrong they've been about this mutual friend. Right. We're going to share all our negative experiences. We've had that with that person that they seem to like, but obviously are wrong about right. In an effort to correct them and make them think about this person. Like we do. You know, that's easier than saying maybe I'm wrong about them. And this person has had a totally different experience with them. So there's already evidence that maybe my story isn't true and just maybe really harsh judgment. And I definitely have had lots of times in my life where someone turns out to be completely the opposite of my first impression about them. So if you have someone that you have particularly negative feelings about, take a minute and genuinely ask the question. What if I'm wrong about them? Now that doesn't mean they need to be your best friend now, or that you need to invite someone back into your life. That's been harmful to you. But we can't change our stories about someone else whenever we want. And just like, we all want the benefit of the doubt, what a gift it is to give it to other people. And if nothing else, everyone on this earth is worthy of being loved. Even if it has to be from a distance. Now I've been practicing this. It's okay for you to be wrong about me for almost five years. Probably now. And I'm getting better at it, but I still have a lot of work to do. But I certainly can see, I'm kind of wished that I had understood. That it was okay for people to be wrong about me. Much earlier in my life. When I felt the unmistakable impression that I needed to homeschool my children for a time. It put me under a microscope and a lot of people had a lot of opinions about it. A lot of people close to me, disagreed with the decision. Some people made fun of me. People had no problem sharing all their worries that they had for my children and how they were going to turn out. And I just internalized all of it. Now if it hadn't been one of the most unmistakable personal revelations I had ever had in my life, I would never have been able to stand against the opposition. I felt around all of it. And thinking back on it now in my own way, without realizing it, I was essentially saying it's okay. If you're wrong about me, I have to do what I feel is right. But even though I had great confidence in the guidance I'd been given, I had no confidence in myself. And it was really hard for me to be different and to do differently. I didn't really feel like it's okay for you to be wrong about me. I felt more like I have to do this. And so it's so hard that you all think so negatively about me and what I'm doing. And that fed into how I homeschooled because I really worried that they were actually right about me and about my kids. And because it was so hard for me. I had evidence every day that they were right about me because I was struggling to homeschool. And I was like, this is going to end terribly for my children. Everybody is right. This is going to be my fault. So that's just one example in my life where I just didn't have it in me to totally have my own back. And I suffered because of it. And my kids kind of suffered because of it and not trying to say it all should have been different. And I should have learned this sooner because we learn things when we're supposed to. But I just can see that it made a big difference for me. That I didn't have that confidence to be like, it's actually, okay. You can totally be wrong about me and we're going to be okay. When I started training to be a life coach, I initially kind of felt the same, right. People have a lot of opinions about it, and I struggled really settling into identifying as a coach because I didn't have the outside approval and support. I thought I needed to really step in and own it. But as I've practiced, cultivating confidence, I've realized that I just had to get comfortable and I had to get okay with people having judgements and criticism about what I was doing. I had to be okay with them being wrong about me and about what I felt like I wanted my mission to be in the world of mental health. Now it's taken me a law. Ha. Time to get. There are really, really long time. Certainly I had colleagues who just jumped right in and were super confident. I was not, but when I am not worried about people believing in coaching, how I believe in it, and I'm just focused on serving my clients and my listeners and my people. My energy and efforts produce really fantastic fruit. I am happier and I actually help people. I couldn't ever help people as effectively as I do now, if I was still tied up and trying to make people think life coaching's legitimate or China, like hide it because I'm embarrassed or looking for the people around me to tell me that I'm good enough. I certainly would not have started this podcast. And even though I know that not every episode is like amazing or anything, I've had so much positive feedback from people. And that keeps me going, because if I can help someone, it is all worth it. So when I finally could just say, it's okay, they can be wrong about me. It got me into a position where I could do more good in the world because when we're needing approval, before we can do something, we are not going to do anything. Now. What if someone isn't wrong about you? I just want to talk about this for a moment, because like I said before, this isn't meant to be some new saying in your marriage or at work or in your life that keeps you from actually taking responsibility for yourself and for your actions. This isn't meant to be some blanket statement you use, so you never have to feel the discomfort of facing what is actually true about you. So I would recommend, especially with people you're in very close relationship before you jump to you're wrong, but it's okay. You can be wrong about me. I would actually really encourage you to first ask yourself. How is this person write about me? Is there some truth to this? Is there something I actually do need to take responsibility for here that I just haven't wanted to really see? Because confidence is not just being okay with people being wrong about you. It's being okay when they are right about you. And write about you in the ways that maybe you don't want to see, but need to see if you're going to continue to create the best you in this world. Listen, people are going to be wrong about you, especially people you don't know super well. People already are wrong about you. And so I want to encourage you to give them permission to be wrong about you. Not really because they need your permission, but because of what it does in your brain, when you do it, This takes practice. It takes confidence, but it also builds confidence as you practice it. I would love to hear how it goes for you. DM me on Instagram at Jamilin. And Steph and coaching, you can find the link in my show notes, email me@jamielynnatjamilinstephan.com. I think it's also in my show notes. Tell me what resonated with you or what is hard about what I said, or even maybe how you disagree with me. I want to understand and see things from other perspectives. So please come and share with me your thoughts on it's. Okay. You can be wrong about me. Talk to you next week. Bye. Thanks for listening today. If you like what you hear on the podcast, and you'd like to learn more, feel free to head over to my website. Jamilin Stephan coaching.com or find me on Instagram or Facebook at Jamileh. step in coaching.