It's not bad to enjoy the validation other people give us but at some point we have to learn to start validating ourselves. This can be hard, uncomfortable work. So, instead of doing the work of learning to self-validate, more often than not, we double down on seeking outside validation instead. That's when we get greedy. On this episode I talk about validation greed, how most of us get caught in it, and why we may want to cut it out.
https://jamelynstephan.com
https://jamelynstephan.com/meet-with-me/
https://www.instagram.com/jamelyn_stephan_coaching/
jamelyn@jamelynstpehan.com
It's not bad to enjoy the validation other people give us but at some point we have to learn to start validating ourselves. This can be hard, uncomfortable work. So, instead of doing the work of learning to self-validate, more often than not, we double down on seeking outside validation instead. That's when we get greedy. On this episode I talk about validation greed, how most of us get caught in it, and why we may want to cut it out.
https://jamelynstephan.com
https://jamelynstephan.com/meet-with-me/
https://www.instagram.com/jamelyn_stephan_coaching/
jamelyn@jamelynstpehan.com
I'm jamielynn Stephan and this is want to wanted episode number 109 validation greed. Welcome to want to want it a podcast for women of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints who are ready to ignite not only their sexual desire, but all of their desires to create a more fulfilling life and marriage. I'm jamielynn Stephan. I'm a certified life coach, a wife, and a mother of seven children. I'm excited to share my personal journey to desire with you and teach you how to desire more as well Hello, everybody. I'm so glad that you're here today to listen to the podcast. We've all seen little kids that do something that is maybe kind of unintentionally funny and everyone laughs and it's just like so delightful to the child, right? They're like, oh my goodness. I'm so funny. Everyone laughed. And that means that they like me and I'm accepted and valued. And so then they start to try and do more things to make you laugh or trying to do the same thing that they did originally to make you laugh. Right. Because they're like, I love this feeling that it gives me one. All of you are laughing at what I'm doing and thinking that I'm so funny. Or maybe a little kid who's trying to do a trick on the trampoline and he's like, Hey mom, look at me. And you're the mom and you're watching what he does. And it's like, oh, that's amazing. You're so good at that. And the kid just feels so good about themselves in that moment, right. That. Validation that you've given them that reassurance. And then they just keep calling for your attention over and over. Like, mom, mom, look at me, look what I can do. Mom, mom, look at me. And all of this is totally normal for kids because they're just trying to figure out who they are, how they fit in the world, what their value really is, how were they? They are how lovable they are. And so they have to get this information from outside of them because they actually haven't even had enough experience with themselves to know for certain that they are acceptable and okay. And so. Kids are major validation seekers. And again, Totally normal and healthy and good. And realistically kids need a lot of validation, right? They need that reassurance that they are good enough and acceptable and worthy. The hope is that as they get more of that really positive validation, that they can start to believe it about themselves. Without having to have the constant flow. Of reassurance from those who are around them. Here's where it starts to get a little tricky though. Although all human beings love validation. As we grow up, the world becomes less and less validating. And that's actually supposed to be okay because by the time we're 20, 30, 40, 50 years old, the idea is that we are starting to mature. Into our own view about ourselves and we actually require less outside validation to feel okay about ourselves. Now certainly a 20-year old is barely starting to figure out self validation, but I think it would be reasonable to say that a 40 year old should be really good at it. And yet at 40 years old, I was still very reliant on outside validation to feel good. I hadn't really realized or been taught that part of maturing is learning how to validate yourself. And so I was still that little kid doing tricks on the trampoline and just begging everyone to tell me how amazing I was, so that I could feel good about myself. Now I want to be careful here because there's nothing wrong with outside validation. It feels great. It feels amazing to have someone else tell you that they agree with your point of view or that they love what you're wearing or how you did your hair. We love it when our husband or wife agrees with the way that we've handled a really tough situation with our kids. We love to hear someone tell us that we're doing a great job. So please don't hear me say that outside validation is bad because it's not. And I think honestly, we could handle a little more validation out in the world to those around us, not to manipulate how they feel, but to give genuine recognition to the goodness that they're bringing into the world or into our life. Where I see outside validation become a problem where it's been my problem. Is when it's the only place that I can get my sense of worth from it's not great when the only way we can get to feel good about ourselves ever. Is when someone outside of us tells us we can. And what I see this lead to is something that I'm calling validation, greed. So just like the little kid on the trampoline, doing tricks and demanding over and over that his mother watch and praise him. We can get that way we can get so that we are always expecting and wanting others to validate us and praise us and tell us we are doing good. So I had a client recently who shared with me how at work she's taken on a new role and it has required a lot of her, but she's really stepped up and taken on things that were burdening other people in the company. So. In her first few weeks of work, she was constantly getting texts and messages from people telling her how amazing she was doing, which was really helpful feedback for her because she certainly wanted to know that she was on the right track. Not making a mistake or making a muck of things and it helped her kind of push forward through that really tough learning curve. But slowly as time has gone on, she's getting less and less and less of this type of feedback. And now she finds her mind racing around, making up stories about how she needs to do more and more and work harder and longer so that she can keep proving to them that she's a good worker and the right person for the job. And they'll keep sending validation into her. Right. And as we talked, she recognized that she was in validation, greed. Instead of really requiring herself to look honestly at her work that she was doing and recognize that it's most certainly good enough. And then just taking responsibility to reassure herself. She still wants a constant stream of outside validation. Right. Even though everybody's probably totally thrilled with what she's doing. They just don't see the need to tell her every day. And I get this. We all can do this. Keep telling me I'm good enough because one, I think I deserve it. And two it's so much easier than me trying to validate myself. That's going to take way more work. And if you're somebody like me, who just was not practiced itself validation, then you almost hardly know how to do it. And it feels really uncomfortable to start. So, where do you see yourself in validation? Greet? Because this can show up in more ways than one. It can show up as you really pressuring someone to validate you. Many of us do this in our marriage. If you don't have sex with me whenever I want, I can't feel like I'm desirable. I can't feel good about myself. Again, not because sex can't be validating, but when we require always that outside thing, right. That sex from our spouse so that we can then finally feel like we are good enough. Maybe we are in validation, greed. Or if we want our spouse to agree with the rules that we want to have, maybe you have rules. You want to have our own screen timer, phones. And we're fighting to the death about it, because if they would just agree to what I want this to be, then I can feel good about how I want to parent and I can feel like I'm smart and we're the unacceptable and good enough, but really it's just validation seeking. And it can get kind of greedy. Validation greed can show up as collecting allies, right? Turning to the people that you know will validate you. I totally have done this. If I'm feeling really uncertain because of some invalidating feedback that I've gotten or I'm feeling particularly misunderstood. I will often call my sister because we think a lot of like, I can tell her my story. And most of the time she's going to agree with me. She's going to see it my way and she's going to reassure me. Again, not that that's bad, but am I being greedy about the validation? Just like wanting more and more and more of it. If you're someone like me who wants to call your sister, maybe you also want to call your mom and then your friend and then your other friend. Are you now in validation? Greed, maybe. When we collect allies, we are probably invalidation, greed. Validation greed can really be this deep, constant wanting a validation. So just like you can be greedy with money, even if you have very little of it, you can be greedy about validation even when you have very little of it. And this shows up by just constantly thinking about getting it. For example, Maybe you taught a lesson in church, and now you're sitting with your phone in your hand at home waiting for all the people to text you about how good you did in your lesson. And the longer you're waiting for those texts to come in, the more frantic you start to feel about getting them. And like my client, you start to spin out in your head about what this lack of validation must mean about you. Like, maybe I'm not a good teacher after all. Maybe I offended someone. Maybe I didn't put enough work into my lesson. Maybe people don't like me. If someone would just text me some kind of positive note, I would drop all the drama in my head and then I'd be able to believe that I did a good job. Now, maybe that is a little overdramatic, but I promise you this happens. We withhold self validation. Why don't we just keep this constant hope that someone somewhere will let us know that we're okay. And it's just in our mind all the time. And one of the last ways that validation greed shows up is always doing things with the intent to get the praise and reassurance. Right. So you're always the carpool mom. Or you're the one who volunteers to take on more work than is reasonable for you to take on, or you're the person who never says no to any request, right. Or, yeah, sure. I'll work overtime without pay, whatever. Right. This list could go on and on and on again, not because any of these things are bad. But when our motivation is. Okay. If I do this, then they're going to tell me how awesome I am. And they're going to tell other people how awesome I am and I'm going to get to feel good about myself. And the more I do this kind of stuff, the more I can keep the stream of outside validation flowing and keep myself feeling good about myself. Even though inside, I feel burnt out and strung out and worn out. And just kind of like, my life is out of balance. I love that everyone tells me I'm awesome. So I just can't stop. That's validation, greed. And you don't just see this with employees or in friend groups. We can get caught up in this kind of nonsense with our kids. You know, I'm the mom who never says no. Or I'm the dad who just hands out cash. Or we have a house where everyone comes to party until all hours of the night and at face value. These aren't negative things on the less your doing them so that your kids will validate your parenting. If your kids are always telling you that you're doing it all right, as a parent and you never, ever faced any pushback from them, it would be good to look at yourself, honestly, and ask. Is life super easy here because I'm wanting my kids to think I'm a good mom. So I'm really just giving them whatever they want. I think with very, very few exceptions that if you never get invalidating feedback from your kids, you might just not be doing it right. And maybe that's kind of too black and white, but one of the most invalidating relationships we will ever be in, in our lifetime, the sides our marriage is with our children when they're living under our roof. And that doesn't mean being in constant opposition with each other is the goal. But if you are never an opposition, why is that? Is it that your kids are just really that great or is it that you as a parent or invalidation greet and therefore only doing what gets you in good with your kids? Because you haven't learned how to have the confidence with yourself as a parent. How to validate yourself as a mother or a father. So let's talk about a few reasons why you may want to see. Where you are in validation, greed, and why you might want to change that. I mean. The idea of growing up is the idea that we will need less outside help in general. We need less help getting dressed. We need less help getting food. We need less help. Driving a car, right? Like we're growing up and we need less and less outside help. And we also are supposed to need less and less outside validation to maintain a healthy relationship with ourselves. It's not that we're meant to be completely detached from the opinions of others or that we should never use outside validation to help boost our own self-esteem. But the idea of maturing is that we stop looking for that kind of low hanging fruit to keep us feeling good about ourselves, right. That outside validation from other people. And we start to do the work of building more self validation, more internal self esteem, and that takes work. That is not low hanging fruit anymore. You got to climb for that stuff. That is learning how to believe something about ourselves that others from our past have tried to offer us. But we now have to decide if we're going to believe it and adopt it in a serious way. So the truth is if you are. Uh, for real adult and you get to decide what that means for you. But for me, I finally realized a few years ago, listen, I am over 40 years old and I'm still relying on everyone else to tell me I'm good enough. It's time for me to cut it out. And learn how to stand on my own two feet. Now, this is honestly truly a huge work in progress for me. I have a long ways to go, but I am now willing to say. When I'm caught up in seeking a bunch of outside validation. I'm in validation, greet little kids need a lot of outside validation. They are still trying to figure themselves out, but at 40. Now I'm just being greedy. I'm actually, maybe. The truth is maybe what I'm really being is lazy because it's easier to feed off a steady stream of outside reassurance. Than to learn how to do it for myself. So I understand why I, and maybe possibly some of you get greedy about outside validation. So why would we want to change that? Right? Because it feels so good. Well, for one reason. When you rely on outside validation to always feel good about yourself, it's incredibly painful when you receive invalidation. If the outside world holds your self esteem in its hands, then it's going to be great. When it tells you how great you are. But when it tells you you screwed up or you aren't good enough, then suddenly you're going to feel terrible about yourself. You were literally be like a boat that has no anchor. And it's just tossed about by the whims of the sea and the wind. If it's calm, you're going to feel good. But as soon as it gets Rocky and windy, you'll be very, very unsettled. So that's one of the very best reasons to start to learn how to self validate and to convert your soul to the belief that although you are not perfect, you are worthy and lovable, no matter what. Because just like a boat with an anchor down in the sand beneath. You're still going to move as the waves move and the winds blow, but you're not going to get tossed around because you have that sure. Anchor to hold you your surety about your identity as worthy and whole and lovable becomes your anchor no matter what. Another reason to stop being a greedy validation seeker. And I don't mean to make that sound as mean as it does. Just no, I'm really more talking to myself. Another reason to stop being a greedy validation seeker is because then it won't become so dysregulating when you don't get any outside feedback or validation. When you're used to a lot of outside feedback, you almost go into withdrawal when you don't get it, it, it makes you feel yucky. It makes you crave it. It starts you kind of down the rabbit hole of maybe I'm not good enough and not doing it right. Not worthy. And now I feel terrible about myself. As you learn to have more confidence in yourself when no one tells you how much they liked the dessert you brought to the potluck, you weren't suddenly feeling pain about it or desperation for it. Like a drug addict, withdrawing from drugs. You can hold onto your sense of self in the face of no validation at all. I think a really good reason for me and maybe for you as well to drop out of validation. Greed is because it keeps me from truly seeing myself as I am. So, what I mean by that is it keeps me from seeing the things about me that maybe shouldn't be validated. It keeps me from facing what if I was really willing to be honest with myself. Is not good. It is the invalidating stuff. So that's why it can be so risky to collect allies. They are great support. They'll validate you, they'll reassure you, but they aren't necessarily great at helping you see where you are a part of the problem or where you need to take more responsibility or maybe where you have actually behaved in a way that is not helpful or unproductive or unkind. Jennifer Finlayson Fife always says that when we get married, we think the job of our spouse is to validate us all the time. But in any good marriage, there will be love and honesty, which means there will be love, but there will also be in validation. You will not agree on everything. And the key to whether you're a quote unquote good spouse in your marriage, isn't really based on how you show up when your spouse makes you feel good about you. The key to your character in your marriage really is in how you handle yourself when you're faced with invalidation in that marriage. And if I'm honest, I have not done great with this all the time. I'm doing better, but I still struggle to show up kind and mature and collaborative when I am receiving invalidating messages from my husband. But how do I ever change for the better, if I never am open to what could be true in that invalidating message that my husband is giving me. So when we drop out of the validation greed that says, I just want more and more and more, and instead turned to. What I actually want more of is the truth. Because truth is what will make me a better person. Now suddenly we're doing a really important relationship changing work. And we're welcoming the invalidation because it becomes more important to us to know what is true and to align ourselves with what is true instead of the fantasy of this constant validation that tells us we're just all perfect. And if anyone else has a problem, it's their problem. Because really in our hearts, we know it's not true. And so it really isn't as reassuring as we want it to be. And the last thing I want to talk about as to why you may want to drop the validation grade is because. All the people who are on the receiving end of that. No one likes feeling like they constantly have to manage the feelings of the people around them because they can't take care of their own self esteem. We want to be kind. I think most of us gladly share validating statements with people around us, but we hate feeling pressured to do it. It actually becomes such an emotional suck on us. If we are constantly feeling like we have to boy up somebody because they refuse to do it themselves. No boss wants to make the constant trips around the workplace all day long. Right? Just to reminding their employees of what a great job they're doing. Maybe once a day or once a week, but it's incredibly inconvenient and totally time-consuming to feel like I have to constantly reassure my staff. And that goes for any relationship. If you think about greed as this intense, selfish desire for something you can see why it ends up damaging your relationships. If you have validation, greed. It's just a lot of taking and that is hard on people. To end today. If you want to stop seeking so much validation, it's time to learn how to validate yourself. And to do that, you can start by saying to yourself what you hope or wish someone else would say. You can tell yourself, Hey. You did a good job. Nobody else texted me. No one came by to let me know that, but I feel like I did a good job in Hamy great job today. You can tell yourself you're a hard worker or that you're a great mom or a great dad. You can tell yourself, Hey, I love you. Thank you so much self for all you do for me. You can tell yourself you believe in yourself and you trust yourself. Try this out this week. If you find yourself wanting someone else to tell you something validating or reassuring. And they're not. Instead of trying to put pressure on them to do it or waiting and hoping they're going to do it. Just tell yourself what you want to hear and then just work to believe that it's true. Would you believe it? If they said it, then believe it. If you say it, have a great week, everybody by. Thanks for listening today. If you like what you hear on the podcast, and you'd like to learn more, feel free to head over to my website. Jamilin Stephan coaching.com or find me on Instagram or Facebook at Jamileh. step in coaching.