Feeling Kind

We have all been taught how to act with kindness, even towards those we would say are "hard to be kind to". But what if no one is actually hard to be kind to?  I learned a life-changing lesson about the importance of feeling kind, not just being kind, that I want to share with you.

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Transcript

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I'm jamielynn Stephan and this is one-to-one to episode number 69. Feeling kind. Welcome to want to want it a podcast for women of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints who are ready to ignite not only their sexual desire, but all of their desires to create a more fulfilling life and marriage. I'm jamielynn Stephan. I'm a certified life coach, a wife, and a mother of seven children. I'm excited to share my personal journey to desire with you and teach you how to desire more as well Hello, everybody. I'm so glad you're here today to listen to the podcast. I want to share an experience that I had in probably early December that really opened my eyes about the difference between acting with kindness and actually feeling kindness. So I was thinking about a particular woman in my life That some would say is difficult to be kind to, She can be very confrontational and easily offended. She often acts in ways that would be probably defined as immature and childish. And so often people say she's hard to be kind to. Now I was thinking about her because she has a part of my life and I was thinking about what I was going to send her for Christmas. And I had this little prideful thought come into my mind. And it said, you know what? Jamielynn you are so good because you are so kind to someone that it is hard to be kind to. And as soon as I said that to myself, I immediately had another thought come into my mind. Now this was not me talking to myself. This was a very intelligent, honest, wise divine voice that spoke to me. And it essentially said. Are you really actually kind to that woman? Is it kind to think that she is hard to be kind to. Is it really kind, if you don't actually think kind thoughts about her. Just because you act with kindness towards her, doesn't make you a hero doesn't she deserve to have you think kind thoughts about her. Isn't she worthy of genuine kindness that starts in your bind, not kindness that you show, but don't actually feel. And then this voice educated me. This is what it told me. No one is hard to be kind to the only reason it is hard to be kind to someone is because you lack the capacity to be kind to them or to love them. It's not them who are the problem? It's you? Now I want to say that again, maybe a little differently, but what I really learned in that moment in a way I had never known it before is that people around us are not hard to love. They are not hard to be kind to because of them. It's because of us. It's because of me, it's because of my limited capacity to feel kindness and love. That's what makes it feel hard? That's it. Does that make sense? I think about one of my daughters when she was little. She hated having to walk across the field, behind our house, to the school, to pick her sister up after school. She hated it. It was so hard. And I mean, I had times where I literally dragged her across. Cause the field. Because it was too hard. It's just too hard. But the reality is, is that the walk wasn't hard, her capacity to walk. It was hard. That was it. She was little, she has short little legs. It felt overwhelming. It felt hard, but it really wasn't because the walk was hard. It was just her capacity to walk it. That same child walks away further now in her life without any complaints. So does that make sense? People aren't hard to love people. Aren't hard to be kind to, but sometimes our capacity to be kind and to love them is low. We don't have the capacity. I actually like to think about Jesus when I think about kindness and love, because I think he is obviously the perfect example and not because we have to be perfect at this, but we can learn something when we look at his life. And when you read about his life, you think to yourself, and often we hear people say this very thing that Jesus loved the unlovable, that he was kind to, those that were hard to be kind to. But I think we actually have it wrong. I don't think Jesus ever thought or thinks that anyone is hard to be kind to, or hard to love. I think his ability to love us because he knows we are worthy of love and worthy of kindness is easy for him. I think because Christ understands our innate worth. That it is easy for him to love all of us, no matter what. Christ has the capacity to feel kindness and to feel love for everyone. He is after all a God. And so he shows that kindness to those he interacts with, not because he's good at being kind. Or good at being kind to those who are hard to be kind to, but because in his mind, no, one's hard to be kind to, it's easy for him to be kind. We are all worthy of kindness. We are all worthy of being loved, but we are not all capable of feeling kindness or love for others. Now, I don't want to say that being kind because you know, it's the right thing to do, even when you don't feel like it is a bad thing. It's not, I think anytime we act kindly, we're probably doing the right thing. So if you feel like it's going to be a big leap for you to get from acting kind to actually feeling kind, don't stop. What you're doing right now. Be kind. It is important. It matters, but changing your mindset to actually believe that no one is hard to be kind to, and that no one is hard to love. It's just your capacity to love and to be kind that's the problem is just a higher way of being it's going to require more of you. It requires more of me. It requires being more mature and it requires actually taking responsibility for the stories you tell about people. I thought that the story I had about this woman was completely a hundred percent rate because I based it on how she acted. I honestly felt like it was literally a fact that she was hard to be kind to. And I not only had my own evidence, I had the testimony of many others. Right. She's just hard. She's difficult, hard to love, hard to be kind to. But when I had this revelation, I realized that I had made up the stories about her, that I had made up the story, that she was hard to be kind to and hard to love. And when I could admit that and own the fact that the truth was she was always lovable and that I wasn't necessarily capable of loving her as she is. Then I knew I had work to do and that I was going to have to act in a higher, better way. Since that day when I had my eyes opened, I have really had to think about this a lot because my brain wants to offer me all the time that someone is hard to be kind to. I find myself even saying to my kids, I know it can be hard to be kind to them, but I just want you to try, but this is actually not how I want to think. I know it is good to do good and to treat people kindly no matter what I feel about them, but what I came to that night in my car as I was being educated. Was that I wanted to learn to be someone who thought kind, not just did kind. I want it to be someone who truly, truly believes deep inside my soul, That everyone is worthy of being loved and that everyone is worthy of having loving kind thoughts, thought about them. So I started with this woman in my life. I required myself to start to think kindly about her reminding myself that she is 100% worthy of kindness and that I just needed to work to. Up my capacity to feel kindness toward her. So one day she phoned my house. Now she phones my house often and I often will ignore the call or I would at the time. Now I am really ashamed to admit that, but that is the honest to goodness truth. But this time I thought, you know what. She loves to connect with the people around her. The people that she feels like are her friends. And she is really so good to always call and to check in on them. I have time to visit with her right now. And so I picked up the phone and I felt kind, I wasn't thinking I have to answer this and pretend to like this conversation, because that's the kind thing to do. Now again, not because that's bad, but I knew I could do better than that. And when I finished my conversation with her, I didn't get off the phone and congratulate myself on being kind to a woman that it's hard to be kind to. As I talked to her, I asked her genuine questions. Like I would to any of my friends that I find it easy to 11 to be kind to. Now it's not because I was rude to her on the phone before I was kind to her, but not because I was feeling kind because I just required myself to act kindly. But it didn't have my heart behind it. I was still annoyed and bothered. But this time. But I felt kind, it's not really that my actions changed a lot, but how I felt was completely different. Now for years, this woman has called me and I have answered relatively few of those calls. A few months ago, she came to my mind and I decided to call her. And I was so shocked with myself, but then I thought, oh yes, of course. When you believe that someone is worthy of kindness and not hard to be kind to, you naturally begin to do things that show that. It makes sense that when she is on my mind that I would pick up the phone to check on her. Now, maybe you genuinely lack the capacity to feel kindness towards someone right now. That's okay. That's just good to know. It's good to know, because then you're going to stop waiting for that other person to change for them to become easier to love or to be kind to so that you can be kind to them. You're just going to understand that you don't yet have the capacity to genuinely love them or to feel genuine kindness towards them. That's a you problem, not a them problem. And that's the best news because you can start to do your work, to make those changes and increase your capacity for more kindness and love. That doesn't mean you need to stay in an abusive relationship or that you need to let somebody do whatever they want to you. That's not what I'm talking about. You can still love somebody without even ever seeing them again, if you need to do that. But what I'm talking about is your capacity to love those who are seemingly unlovable or unlikable. Now, I know this isn't a very long podcast, but I just wanted to share this lesson with all of you. I want you to look at yourself, honestly. Are you like I have been, are you just so proud of yourself for loving the unloved? Unlovable or for being kind to those who are hard to be kind to, I want you to consider that no one is unlovable and that no one is hard to be kind to, it is always our capacity to be kind that causes the problem. If you want to increase your capacity to actually feel kindness in your body. You're going to have to practice kind thoughts. Now I want to just give you a few to try on and see if they work for you. These are just a few that I have come up with. None of them may resonate with you. It's okay. You can just make up your own. If you want to know if they are a good thought for you, you're going to have to say them in your mind or say them out loud and see what feeling comes up for you. If you're filled with kindness or love, it's a good thought. Okay. But here's just some that you can try on. Number one. Everyone is lovable and worthy of being thought of with kindness. Everyone. Number two, this child, or this person is so obviously frustrated, how can I help them? Number three. I'm so lucky to know them. Number four. They are really good at and then fill in the blank. Just like I said before about this woman. She's so good at connecting with people. Number five. They have something hard in their life. I can't see. And don't know about. Number six. They are perfect exactly. As they are. Number seven. What do they need? How can I help them? Uh, number eight. If I truly loved them, what would I think about the men? I hope this helps more of us get to a place of genuinely thinking kindness, not just being kind. Not because being kind is bad. It's the perfect place to start, but I think many of us can do better. I know I can. So for this week, even just for today, I hope you can look honestly at your capacity to feel kindness towards one person. Just think of one person to start. And I want you to work on creating kind thoughts and kind feelings towards them. I promise you, this will change you. It will definitely require more of you and you may not do it perfectly, but it will change you. It will change your relationships. It will change everything. I hope you all have a really great week. Bye. Thanks for listening today. If you like what you hear on the podcast, and you'd like to learn more, feel free to head over to my website. Jamilin Stephan coaching.com or find me on Instagram or Facebook at Jamileh. step in coaching.