Disruptions to Your Relationship's Ecosystem

Just like our world is made up of ecosystems, so are our relationships. Whether at home, at school, or at work, humans are really good at creating patterns of living together that are comfortable. But just like nature's ecosystems, there are things that disrupt our relationship's ecosystems. A new baby, a divorce, a new teacher, a new boss, a rebellious teenager.  Listen today to learn how, even though it can be uncomfortable, having your ecosystem disrupted can be so beneficial.

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Transcript

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I'm jamielynn Stephan and this is And wanted episode number 76 disruptions to your relationships ecosystem. Welcome to want to want it a podcast for women of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints who are ready to ignite not only their sexual desire, but all of their desires to create a more fulfilling life and marriage. I'm jamielynn Stephan. I'm a certified life coach, a wife, and a mother of seven children. I'm excited to share my personal journey to desire with you and teach you how to desire more as well Hello, everybody. Welcome to the podcast. It is a little bit windy out at my house. Keeps kind of moaning. So I hope it won't cause too much disruption in the podcast today. Um, I want to share with you this really awesome analogy that I learned from a family member that I just love so much. And I felt like when he shared this with me, I was like, oh, he is so right. So I want to share it with each of you in hopes that it might help you. So he gave me this analogy in the context of family relationships, but this can apply to marriages, friendships, workplaces, like anywhere at all, where one human is going to be in relationship to another. Okay. So I want you to first think of an ecosystem. So here's how national geographic defines an ecosystem. An ecosystem is a geographic area where plants, animals, and other organisms, as well as weather and landscape work together to form a bubble of life. Ecosystems contain living parts as well as non-living parts. Every factor in an ecosystem, depends on every other factor, either directly or indirectly. Okay. So you have this place where the living things and the non-living things work together to make life thrive. And as long as everyone does their role plays their part. The ecosystem is just going to kind of hum along. Now, because this is not a perfect planet that we live on every once in a while, something comes along that disrupts an ecosystem. So these are sometimes referred to as ecological disturbances or an ecological imbalance. It's an event that causes environmental stress. And largely affects the ecosystem. So some examples of this are floods, wildfires, volcanic eruptions, typhoons. You name it, those kinds of natural disasters. Okay. So when I was a little girl, we lived in a small town. And across the street from our house was this really big gully. And as kids, we spent hours playing there because there was trees to play in. And things to climb up into their replaces, to sled in the winter, we would pick Saskatoon berries every year or Crocus's. It was just like the perfect place to play For a little group of creative girls. But every once in awhile, some kids would play with matches or try smoking or whatever it was. They were doing down there and they would start the goalie on fire. And it was scary because there were a lot of houses that were just across the street from it. And I remember neighbors turning on their hoses to try and keep it at bay. And I remember young kids try to beat it back with their coats. I have no idea why they thought that was a good idea or where their parents were. But anyways, You know, birds would be flying out of there, and little animals like squirrels and chipmunks would be running for their lives. And then the fire department would show up and they would put out the fire. And I remember just being so unnerved at the block remains of that gully. The grass was gone. Some of the trees were gone, it would stink. And suddenly it wasn't really this great place to go and play. And I know that this didn't just change things for me and my friends. There were certain animals now that had no safe home, right. Their food sources were gone. The top soil was easier for the rain to wash away. It felt like this fire completely turned the ecosystem of this gully upside down. But something totally miraculous would happen as well. At least it felt miraculous to me as a child because I have never forgotten it. A few weeks after the fire. Green shoots would start to appear in the block ground. And then more and more until the goalie was blanketed in the most beautiful green that I had ever seen. The bushes started to grow again, but even more amazing were the flowers that started to pop up. And this goalie had been usually kind of this pale green verging on brown, and now suddenly it was vibrant and beautiful and colorful. And of course my little girl brain was so amazed that's something that had been burned by fire. And a few weeks ago was literally just black. Could now be so breathtaking. The ecosystem suddenly looked way healthier than it ever had before. Now that we've kind of talked about ecosystems. I want to share with you the analogy that I was taught. And I'm going to use a family for this example, but any kind of relationship works. So families are like an ecosystem. You grow up together, everyone kind of has their role and we have cycles in the ecosystem that we play out that make our ecosystem function. Now. I'm not going to say that everything in a family ecosystem is healthy or perfect, but we learn to exist together in ways that get comfortable. And if a member of that family suddenly does something that is way out of the ordinary or contrary to the order of this ecosystem. It disrupts the ecosystem. It shakes it up. It's like a flood or a fire or a really strong wind. And to the others in the ecosystem, it actually feels like things are turning upside down. And honestly they hate it. We hate this because even if our current ecosystem, isn't exactly healthy, it's comfortable. And we're going to fight our hardest to restore balance to that ecosystem and get that comfort back. And often the person who's disrupted the ecosystem feels terrible about it because they can see that everyone else is freaking out. That it's hard on them. They see the birds flapping and the chipmunks running scared and they feel bad that they've upset the ecosystem. And here's what I see happen. I see those in the ecosystem who are affected by the disruptor, push hard against that person to get back to their place and let the ecosystem go back to how it was. I also sometimes see the disruptor try to do. Just that themselves, they feel the pressure. They feel so bad that they've disrupted the ecosystem. And so they tried to put things back together. They try and fall back into place so that the ecosystem can run how it always has. And other times I see the disruptor hold out. Now sometimes they continue in their behavior for purely selfish reasons, but they continue on throwing the ecosystem into a flurry of fear and anger and worry or whatever else. And other times I see them continue on because they know that is actually the best thing and that the ecosystem is going to be okay. And because they can't change what's happened, they are really hoping that the ecosystem is going to eventually recover. Okay. Now, let me see if I can illustrate this for you so that it makes more sense. Here is something that many of you may have experienced. So let's say you that you're married and you have a child, like this is your little family ecosystem. There's daddy and mommy and the baby. And it's so great. And you all function together in a comfortable way. And then you find out you're pregnant. And even though you prepare for this baby to come and you may even be so excited for this baby to come. When the baby arrives, it shakes up the ecosystem. Now the more babies I had, the more times I saw this play out in my house. So of course, like my life has changed, but everyone's impacted by this little human that's entered the ecosystem. And people in the ecosystem start to act differently because they're in upheaval a little bit. So maybe they're a little shorter tempered. Maybe you feel like your toddler's crying more and hits more and even though you can't totally put your finger on all of it, the reality is that when there is a disruption to the ecosystem, it's uncomfortable for everyone until the ecosystem recovers and make space for this new reality and finds a new balance. And most of us like the disruption of a baby to our ecosystem. And we welcome the growth and the change that that brings And even when a child moves out of our home, right. That disrupts the ecosystem. And maybe again, you love that disruption. But there has to be a rebalance that takes place. And I know for me, like as one child moves out, expectations, shift to other kids. And that's an adjustment for people. Okay. So that's just one example of how an ecosystem can be disrupted. Another one would be if your 16 year old daughter came home and told you she was pregnant. This is going to shake up the ecosystem as parents, you might feel a lot of sadness and disappointment. You're probably going to have to change how you relate to this child and how you parent them. You're now going to be supporting a child through a very difficult path, and it's going to require you to have to grow up and learn new ways to relate to this child And to the world in regards to this child. If you have other children, you may have children that feel embarrassed by this. Not because they're trying to be jerks to their sister, but because they still rely on the outside world to tell them that they're okay. And this kind of attention doesn't feel good. You may have kids that feel like they need to become defenders and protectors of their sisters. And they're going to be a little more angry around people and more defensive. Maybe some of your family are going to be really upset that your daughter brought such negative attention to you. I mean, we could go on and on and on. So many people are going to be impacted by this circumstance and it's going to disrupt the ecosystem. And the kids and the parents, whether out loud or to themselves are probably going to say, I wish this wasn't happening. And of course, that makes sense. But really it's just because the ecosystem has been disrupted and it's super uncomfortable. If parents get divorced, this disrupts the ecosystem, obviously. And not just for their children, this impacts their extended family as well, grandparents and aunts and uncles, and everyone's impacted, and there can be a lot of pressure from the ecosystem for the couple to work it out, which I'm all for. But I recently watched a man pushing so hard for a couple to work it out. Even though he knew that there was abuse and that things were not good there. It was so uncomfortable for him to watch this and he hated the impact that this decision was having on him. So he was trying to get the couple to work it out so that the ecosystem wouldn't be disrupted. And he wouldn't have to deal with all the sad feelings and the fallout That he was going to have to face. So sometimes when we don't like what's happening in the ecosystem, we will pressure people to just go back to how things were so that we can feel better. Not necessarily because the ecosystem was healthy. I think about so many of my clients and the ecosystem of their marriages. They will come to me and they want to work on something in their marriage. Maybe they feel like, you know, my husband doesn't really care about me or my feelings, and I really resent him for it. But honestly, I want to make my marriage work. I want to find a way to be happy in this marriage. And so we start working on them because we know we can't change their husband. And I start by helping them see how they could be contributing to this dynamic in their marriage that they don't like. And we start to work on that. And as these women start to own up to their own stuff and to change how they show up in their marriages, it disrupts the ecosystem. And even though both partners usually want something better for their marriage, the disruption of the ecosystem is extremely uncomfortable and there's a lot of pressure for the wife to get herself back into being the way she has been so that the ecosystem can just settle back down to normal. Her husband will certainly pressure her to put things back into order, but she is also going to feel internal pressure to do that as well. It won't be easy for either of them because it's going to be uncomfortable. I also think about those of you who have served a mission. When a new mission president comes into a mission, it disrupts the ecosystem and it sometimes leaves the missionary feeling uncomfortable. And so even though their new mission president may be awesome, they often kind of feel like I liked president so-and-so better. Well, maybe, maybe in the end they will really feel that way. But most of the time, what they don't like about the new mission president is that he stirred up the ecosystem and it feels uncomfortable. Maybe at work, you've experienced a shakeup in the ecosystem. If someone gets hired that doesn't do things, how you think they're supposed to, that will shake up the ecosystem. If you get a new supervisor or a new boss that will disrupt the ecosystem, someone quitting and leaving your workplace. Even if it's someone you're glad to see go, it's going to cause some rumblings in the ecosystem. I think back to just over 10 years ago when our town and the towns around us had a huge flood. Talk about ecosystem changing and I'm not just talking about the literal flora and fauna ecosystem. Some people lost their homes. Some people lost their businesses. The entire focus of this area became helping people recover from the flood. This put tremendous pressure on family relationships and neighborhood relationships. It put pressure on people's relationships to God. Good and bad. This flood, this outside circumstance that was literally out of everyone's control, impacted people's relationship ecosystems in a major way. And I use this example because it isn't always the actions of another person that's going to shake up your ecosystem. Sometimes it's the things that are outside of us and outside of anybody's control that are going to do it. Okay. So these are just a few examples Of how a relationships ecosystem can be disrupted. I'm sure as I've been talking, you can remember times when your ecosystem has been shaken up or even burned down. Or perhaps you are experiencing something right now that is doing that to you. When we are faced with things that disturb our ecosystem, we have two choices. The first choice is to try and reverse things and go back and re-establish ecosystem as it was, or two, we open ourselves up to the discomfort of it and push forward. Knowing that greener grass and prettier flowers are awaiting us in the future. Now, honestly, it is so rare that you can go back and put an ecosystem back to how it was. Even if you try your hardest to do that, you can't fully erase the effects of even a momentary shakeup. Now, maybe there are ecosystems that are worth trying to put back together. But I think most of the time they aren't, I think we need to look to nature and see that there is much good growth that comes from an ecosystem. Shakeup, greener, stronger, prettier, more resilient. This is how our ecosystem can be. If we can stop fighting with the disruption and lean into the discomfort, allow that discomfort to change us. If someone's choices are impacting us in a way that feels negative and uncomfortable. Just know that this is an area where we probably need to grow up and make some positive changes so that our ecosystem can be even stronger and brighter than before. If your child is making a choice, that's hard to watch your ecosystem is getting a shakeup. You're going to have to find a new way to be with this child to have effective impact. And that is good. He shaking the trees, but the trees are getting stronger for it. If you get a new boss and you hate his new policies, just know that the ecosystem is going to have a disruption for a while, maybe even a fire, but you will be better for it. Maybe you'll be employed somewhere else in the end, but you will have learned and grown from the experience. If you want to change things in your marriage by changing how you show up in it. I promise this will shake up the ecosystem for sure. But it is amazing how many of my clients will say my husband is suddenly being more kind or more attentive or more considerate like he's changing. Did you know this would happen? And in truth, I hoped it was going to happen. Because really, sometimes people resist the shake up and just dig their heels in harder. But most of the time when a husband or a wife disrupts the ecosystem of a marriage by changing themselves and being better. What initially is uncomfortable, becomes this beautiful, positive pressure on their spouse to make changes as well and become a better version of themselves. So I wanted to share this idea of relationship ecosystems and things that disrupt them so that you can know that nothing's going wrong, even if it feels like it's all terribly wrong. I promise it won't be block and burnt and stinky forever. This doesn't happen in nature and it doesn't have to happen for your ecosystem either. Things are going to grow better greener, healthier than before. If someone outside of you is shaking up your ecosystem, have the courage to at least thank them in your mind for giving you a push to grow up and grow better. I have had to do this recently. And even though I wouldn't have chosen the shakeup. And even though I haven't loved it. It is what happened. There was no way to turn things back. There was only forward. And so I had to face myself and see my immaturities. I had to see where I wanted to be controlling instead of loving. I had to see where I lacked faith. I had to see where I thought I knew best and consider that maybe I was wrong about that. Really essentially I had to grow up. And even though I don't want to do this ecosystem shakeup again, I am actually so thankful for it. It has changed me for the better. I have seen it heal relationships. When I thought it would ruin them. I have seen growth in others around me. So I am so thankful for the disruption of our ecosystem. It really truly has blessed me and my family. I hope you can start to see the blessings in your disruptions as well. Have a great week, everybody. Bye. Thanks for listening today. If you like what you hear on the podcast, and you'd like to learn more, feel free to head over to my website. Jamilin Stephan coaching.com or find me on Instagram or Facebook at Jamileh. step in coaching.