#116 -Indulgent Emotions

On this episode I discuss indulgent emotions like confusion, doubt, worry, overwhelm, anger, and victimization emphasizing how these emotions can keep individuals stuck and hinder personal progress. I share personal experiences and insights on how to identify, understand, and overcome indulgent emotions by changing thought patterns.

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jamelyn@jamelynstpehan.com

Transcript

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I'm jamielynn Stephan and this is what to want at episode number 116. Indulgent emotions. Welcome to want to want it a podcast for women of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints who are ready to ignite not only their sexual desire, but all of their desires to create a more fulfilling life and marriage. I'm jamielynn Stephan. I'm a certified life coach, a wife, and a mother of seven children. I'm excited to share my personal journey to desire with you and teach you how to desire more as well Hello, everybody. Welcome to the podcast. Happy Tuesday. Today, I want to talk about indulgent emotions. So before I get into all of that, I just want to quickly remind you about feelings and some of the things that I teach about them. So feelings or emotions are just vibrations in your body. And these vibrations are, these feelings are caused by what we think. So you have a thought and then you feel brave. Or you have a thought and then you feel eager or then you feel insecure. And so our feelings are really good information givers. Right? I feel nervous. Why is that? And then I can start to look closer at what I'm thinking. That's making me feel nervous. Oh yeah. Right. I have a new client today. I have never met them before, so I feel a little nervous. Okay. That makes sense. I get it. So our emotions can be information for us to help us get more aware of what we're thinking and believing. So I teach that when we feel an emotion good or bad, we need to allow that emotion and we need to process that emotion. So that means we let it into our body. We don't try and push it down or push it away. It's welcome. We lean into it. And this can be really easy with happiness, maybe a little bit harder with something like embarrassment. But we need to let that emotion be in our body. And then we process that emotion by naming it and then describing it to ourselves. This is anxiety. How big does it feel? Does it have a color? Does it move? Is it heavy or light? Where do you feel it in your body? Does it have a shape? These types of descriptions help us focus on that vibration or that feeling in our body and helps us process the emotion. And over time, if we don't fight the emotion or push it down, it will just slowly leave our body. Now, before I get into kind of the meat of this podcast, I want to be clear that there are no quote, unquote, bad emotions. They are just what they are. Certainly, most of us would prefer to feel excited than to feel scared, but that doesn't mean that fear is a bad emotion. So when I talk about indulgent emotions today, I don't want you to think that I'm telling you. That these indulgent emotions are bad and you should never ever feel them. You're going to feel them. It's what you do with them. That's going to make the difference. Okay. So let me define what I mean when I'm talking about indulgent emotions. When we talk about people indulging in something, let's say food, for example, we're meaning that they are maybe being unrestrained or out of control. Maybe you would say in a way that isn't good for them. When we talk about indulging a child, it's kind of this idea of, we give them whatever they want, even if it's not really the best thing for them. All right, I'm going to give you ice cream for every meal instead of any fruits or vegetables. And maybe you're even giving into this child, even when they behave badly. So an indulgent emotion is generally an emotion. That you're quite comfortable with. Not because it necessarily feels good, but because you're just used to feeling it. And so you indulge in it a lot. It becomes kind of a go-to emotion for you, right? It's something that you allow yourself to feel without restraint. But the problem with indulgent emotions is, is that they keep you stuck. But that's also the reason that we love to indulge in them. So often we can indulge in these emotions because as long as we're spinning out in them, we don't have to take any action. So even though we hate being stuck, Being stuck can feel more comfortable than actually taking the action. So we keep ourselves indulging in those emotions so that we don't have to do anything. And this is going to make more sense as I go on. So stay with me. The other attribute of an indulgent emotion is that it feels really useful. It feels like it's productive or keeping you safe. But again, it's just keeping you stuck, stuck in life, stuck in your story, stuck in a relationship, stuck in a cycle, whatever it's just keeping you stuck. So I want to start by sharing with you. One of my most indulgent emotions that really started to rear its head when I was starting my business. And it's the emotion of confusion. If I don't know what to do, then I don't have to do anything. Now, this wasn't something that I was doing consciously, but I was doing it. So for example, I would get on a zoom call with my coach and I would start to tell her about six so hard to get clients and. I don't have money for ads and I don't know what to do. And so she was like, okay, let's just start from the beginning care. Okay. Let's just settle down. How many clients do you want? And I would just hum and ha and I would say, well, you know, this is why 20 clients would be ideal, but you know what? 12 would actually work better for my kind of work life balance. But. Eight. Oh, eight just feels a little more doable a lot of the time, but actually if I had 10, it would allow me to cover my expenses and still have some money to invest in my business. And then I would just finally say, you know what? I don't even know. I don't know how many clients I want. And then she would ask me, she'd say, why are you indulging in confusion about this. This isn't rocket science and there's no right or wrong answer. Just pick a number. How many clients do you want? And you know what she was so right. By constantly just thinking that I didn't know how many clients I wanted. I didn't have to go out and find clients. I could just stay stuck and just trying to figure out how many I wanted. And I see this with so many coaches, right? They'll say I'm not sure who I really want to coach. I could coach working moms or I could coach overworked nurses. And they just keep themselves confused about who they want to serve. So they never have to actually get out there and make an offer to help anyone. And this feels very productive and really necessary, but it's a lie. The confusion is indulgent and it keeps them stuck. Not doing anything. I see women whose kids are all in school now or are empty nesters. And they just keep saying, I don't know what I want to do with my life now. And validly, they may not know right off the bat and these types of decisions. Take some thought for sure. But you could spin out in that space of confusion for a long time. Like I just don't know. I don't know what I should do with myself. So confusion can just get you again. Not because being confused as a bad thing or a wrong thing, or even that you should never feel confused, but you have to watch yourself. How long have you felt confused about this issue? You know, if your daughter keeps coming in hours after when you've asked her to be home, how long are you going to let yourself sit in? I just don't know what to do about this before you make yourself make a decision and take some action. This is where you need the courage to fail and the courage to have to try something else. If you need to. And that kind of can help you get out of confusion, right? Telling yourself this is the decision I'm making today. And I can renegotiate it tomorrow if I want to or need to, but by doing this, I'm actually going to take some action and I'm going to stop staying stuck. So I decided on 12 clients, way back when, and now I do less. I that's. Okay. I decided I tried it out and I like my reasons for renegotiating it. Maybe you decide that for now. You're not gonna let your daughter use your vehicle until she can be more responsible and get home on time. And you can change your mind if you want later. So just start to watch and see if confusion is an emotion that you are indulging in, because it feels so real. But what it's really doing is keeping you from having to take action. Another indulgent emotion that I see so much of and have certainly, definitely struggled with myself a lot. Is doubt. Doubt is so sneaky. It feels so protective, but I want to tell you that I actually think doubt is rarely useful. I don't think it is a very useful emotion ever, but people indulge in it so much. It's one thing to hear a story from your little boy who lies all the time and feel doubt about the legitimacy of his claims, but we often indulge in doubt about almost everything. We doubt God, for sure. I mean, not all of us, but many of us doubt his goodness or his love or his plan. We doubt ourselves. I mean, how many of us have set a goal only to have our brain instantly say, you'll never do that. We doubt other people we doubt the day will be sunny. We doubt the restaurant will have a table for us. We doubt that they'll take the dress back. We doubt all the time. I know I have shared this before, but a few years ago I required myself to go doubt free for one month. Now, did I succeed? Well, if failing and starting again counts, then yes, I did. Have I doubted since yes. But I am so much more aware of doubt and doubt producing thoughts. And I see how indulging in them not only keeps me stuck. It keeps me sad. Life is very negative when you doubt all the time. So when I catch myself doubting, I do what I practiced on my doubt free month. I have to ask myself what would faith say? And I require myself to give a really good answer. So if doubt says you'll never find a parking spot, faith would say the perfect spot is waiting for me. Someone is going to move right for me. If doubt says you're never going to pass that test. Faith is going to say. I've studied hard in preparation for this test. I have all I need to pass. And if I don't pass it this time, I'm going to keep trying until I do. Doubt would say no, one's going to like your class. You're giving in church. But faith would say. My job is to prepare the best class. I know how show up and love the participants and the rest is God's business. Okay. So again, watch yourself. Do you indulge in doubt because it feels like it keeps you safe or keeps you from experiencing disappointment in the future. I get it, but honestly it is such a crummy way to live all the time. Faith hope these feelings are good and they move you to good action. Doubt just keeps you worried and untrusting and stuck. Speaking of worry, another indulgent emotion I see a lot is worry. Back in February. I did a podcast on worry. Again, it is a tricky emotion because it feels so useful. In fact, it's tricky because it can feel like it is the loving thing to feel. But like I said, back in February, worry, doesn't actually feel good. Like love, love, feels good, worry does not. And that's how we know it's not loving and worry is not just indulgent. It is also pretty much useless. Now you are going to most likely experience worry once in a while. That is normal, but it is totally unnecessary to indulge in it to keep it with you all the time. I remember in coach training, they asked us to list our top three emotions that we feel on a regular basis. So, if you were to do this and worry was on that list, then you would know that you are indulging and worry. And I know many of you out there are worried a lot. You worry about money, about your kids, about your health, but I promise this is not necessary. Worry is just another form of doubt. And where he doesn't lead us to take our best action. We become paranoid about every penny we spend, or we are a helicopter parent, or maybe we're involved in the lives of our adult children in a way that is overbearing and really none of our business. Or, you know, you can't put one thing in your mouth without just being like, well, there, there it goes. I'm going to die young and sick because I eat like this. You know what I mean? I know many of you listening, feel like worry is just happening to you. You're just kind of like, I don't want to worry, but I just can't help it. I want to make something clear though, that I honestly believe down to my toes. Just because worry is your go-to emotion. The one you've practiced so much. It is literally second nature doesn't mean it is happening to you. You are choosing it. You're choosing it because you're choosing to think thoughts that make worry. And like all of these indulgent emotions and tell you can be honest with yourself and admit that although it's comfortable and a bit addictive, you are choosing to indulge in it. You won't be able to choose anything different. So like doubt, when you feel worry, come up, you have to ask yourself, what would faith say about this? What would I do if I felt trust right now? Can you see how much more useful that is and how it's going to lead you to better action. Don't confuse, worry with love. Stop believing that worries keeping you from some future danger or heartache. It's not helping you. It's only keeping you miserable today. Another indulgent emotion that I completely felt like was happening to me was overwhelmed. I spent years, literally since I was a teenager trying to outrun overwhelm, it just was so constantly there too much to do too little time to do it in. Too many kids, too much mess, too many appointments, too many chores, too much, too much, too much. Now. There were times when I was overwhelmed validly, but the problem was is that I got used to overwhelm. And remember what you focus on, you create more of, and that goes for all of these emotions. And because I felt like I was always overwhelmed. Guess what? I would inevitably create. Overwhelm. I wouldn't say no to things I should have. I wouldn't allow myself a time of the day where I just stopped working, where it was just like that's enough. It's time to rest, or to sit down when the kids were napping and take a break. I didn't allow myself that. I tried to squeeze way too much into too little time, literally trying to do three things at once. I wouldn't allow myself to feel good about me. If anything was left on my ridiculously long to do list, right. I just kept creating the overwhelming, even though I hated feeling overwhelmed. I just kept making myself overwhelmed. And if I had a day that for some reason, didn't feel overwhelming. It was so uncomfortable to me that I would search my brain for all the things I'd obviously overlooked that needed attention. And before long I was back in overwhelm. Now again, I wasn't doing this on purpose. This all felt like it was happening to me. I didn't realize that I didn't really know how to feel any other way. And so I just kept creating it. I would wake up every morning eyes, not even open yet and be filled with anxiety and dread because of the overwhelm I constantly lived with. Now, after some years of work on this, I actually rarely feel overwhelmed. It still comes, especially if I have to do something I don't feel qualified to do, or if there's a lot to kind of work out at the same time, but I really watch myself. I've had to change my stories about things. So I don't say I'm so busy or I'm too busy or I don't have time. I just don't allow myself to say those things anymore because they create overwhelmed. And they really aren't true. Most of the time. I am not so busy and I'm not in a place where I have no time. I have a very spacious life with the same 24 hours as everyone else. I get to choose how I want to spend that time. And some days I go a hundred miles an hour and some days not so much. Some days at my morning prayers, most days, actually, I just ask God to direct my day so that I'm going to know what's most important. And I ask him to give me strength beyond my own. And then I try and step into trust and faith and move forward. And I keep myself away from the stories that produce overwhelmed for me. Okay. So look at your thoughts. And if you struggle with overwhelm, it's time to change some of the stories that you're believing that create that emotion for you. I know this is not the simplest work. It took me so much time, but it has been so worth it. Another indulgent emotion. I could talk all day about his anger. Anger is an emotion we are going to feel, but some of us indulge in it more than we ought to. And like all emotions, the feelings of anger fuels angry actions. And when we act out our anger, that is totally indulgent. I've done it. I know it, I'm not proud of it. And I can tell myself, honestly, that it is indulgent behavior from an indulgent emotion. So, if you find that anger is one of your indulgent emotions, it's time to start looking at the stories that keep that going. I mean, I have been in a group of people who all experienced the same thing. Let's say. You're in a restaurant you've had really poor service and everyone's going to have a different reaction to it. But sometimes I see people get so mad. What is the story that that person is telling themselves that makes it so they're so mad when someone else has maybe kind of mildly annoyed and another person actually finds it. Totally hilarious. It's their thoughts. Right? So if you indulge in anger, what thoughts are your go-to angry thoughts? Right. This isn't fair. Or that was so disrespectful to me or they should treat me better or they're so selfish. These are just some of the examples, but if you find the stories you tell that create a lot of anger in you, a lot of the time you can start to change those stories and stop yourself from indulging in anger. Now the last emotion I want to mention that I see people indulgent and I certainly have indulged in at times is victimization or the feeling that you have been victimized. Now this one can feel really sneaky because you maybe were a victim at one time. You maybe did have something unfair or just downright abusive happened to you. But I hope at least that none of us listening to this podcast are victims all day, every day, all the time. And yet, sometimes we live like that. We just always look for how life isn't fair to us, how we are disrespected, how we've been used, how we're unappreciated. And again, even though it feels terrible, it feels useful because if we really are the victim. Then what can possibly be expected of us? If we're the victim that everyone else has work to do, and until they change and do better, we don't have to. And when we're the victim, we never have to require a better behavior from ourselves. Right. I can be unkind to others. I can hold grudges. I can gossip. I can excuse myself from all of it because I am a victim. And it is so funny because most of us would say, even if it was just in our own heads, that we have very little patience or compassion for people who have what we would call a victim mentality because they are not very enjoyable to be around. But I also know that it is super easy to start to indulge in that victimization emotion ourselves. One night. I was getting the house cleaned up and my husband came home from work and announced that he was going to run on the treadmill. And instantly I went into victim mode, like I'm so unappreciated. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't care to help me out. He was so mad at him. Now I could've gone and had like a reasonable conversation with him. Maybe even made a request or I could have said, you know what? He's had a super long day at work and he wants to get some exercise in before it's too late. And he's too tired and you know what? That's fair. And it's okay. But instead I just took it so personally and started to indulge in my victim story, how everyone just thinks I'm the cooking clean here. And he's running in the basement and I'm cleaning my house in a rage and feeling so sorry for myself. And it was so unnecessary, but we do this kind of stuff. It is so easy to drop into this. Woe is me. I'm the victim way of thinking. And then we indulge in that emotion. So again, like all of these watch, when you do that. If you want a practical way to help you see better what emotions you may indulgent and how to stop yourself from doing that. There are a few questions you can ask yourself, get a piece of paper if you want. It's helpful sometimes to write things down, but even if you can just do it in your head, take any or all of the emotions I've listed and ask yourself. If I was really honest, how often do I feel confused? Overwhelmed worried, doubtful. Victimized angry. And then write your answer on your piece of paper. So you can see which ones you spend a lot of time feeling or which ones you spend the most time feeling. Then pick the one or two that you spend the most time feeling. And give a specific example of when you tend to feel that emotion. And then try to explain to yourself why you feel that emotion in that situation. Again, this is just helping you start to see what are the stories that I tell what certain situations make it easier for me to think things that bring this emotion up. Next. I want you to take a minute to see why you might want to keep indulging in this emotion. Like, why does it feel useful to you? Why do you like it? And this isn't to judge yourself. This is just to get honest with yourself. What is it about indulging in this that you like? What is it that feels useful? What is it that makes you feel. Powerful or. You know, feel like you're compassionate to yourself, even though it's not compassion. Why does it feel useful? Then I want you to write what it might cost you. If you keep indulging it. Again, be super honest. Maybe you'll look at it and be like, you know what? It doesn't really impact my life or anyone else, but I want you to be really honest. What are the actions that you do? What comes from this? Are you pouty? Are you unkind? Do you gossip? Do do you stop doing things that you know, you want to do in your life? Okay. So get really honest about what the cost is for you. If you keep indulging in it. And then the last thing I want you to do is ask yourself. Do I think I could go a whole day without indulging in this emotion. Or a whole week. Or a whole month. Answer this honestly. Now, let me be clear. I'm not saying that you have to go a whole month without feeling this emotion. I'm asking if you can go a whole month without indulging in this emotion. That is different. It can come, but it can't come to stay. Does that make sense? You can feel the emotion, but we're not going to indulge in it. I hope this has been a little enlightening for you. Remember the emotions themselves aren't bad or good, but when we indulge in them, when we are unrestrained, we are keeping ourselves stuck. We can't move forward in our lives or our relationships or our work when we indulge in confusion or doubt or worry or overwhelm or anger or victimization. If we want to progress in life, we have to admit that these emotions are created by our thoughts, our thoughts, and they're not just happening to us and that we have the power to change our minds and therefore change our feelings at any time. And as soon as we can do that, we can then move forward and progress and grow. Have a great week. Everybody we'll see you later. Bye. Thanks for listening today. If you like what you hear on the podcast, and you'd like to learn more, feel free to head over to my website. Jamilin Stephan coaching.com or find me on Instagram or Facebook at Jamileh. step in coaching.