#125 - Could You Hold These for Me?

So many of us take our most precious feelings about ourselves and place them in the hands of the least capable person we know. The person who struggles managing their own feelings. The person who doesn't have our best interests at heart.  But then we get angry with them when they hurt us. On this episode I will help you take back your sense of self and teach you what to do next.

https://jamelynstephan.com

https://jamelynstephan.com/meet-with-me/

https://www.instagram.com/jamelyn_stephan_coaching/

jamelyn@jamelynstpehan.com

Transcript

0:00

I'm jamielynn Stephan and this is what to wanted. Episode number 125. Could you hold these for me? Welcome to want to want it a podcast for women of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints who are ready to ignite not only their sexual desire, but all of their desires to create a more fulfilling life and marriage. I'm jamielynn Stephan, I'm a certified life coach, a wife, and a mother of seven children. I'm excited to share my personal journey to desire with you and teach you how to desire more as well. Hello, everybody. Welcome to July. Very warm, exciting time of year. July is. I met episode 125. I didn't even think anything of it until I was just saying that I'm like, wow. Here we go or getting up there. Before you get into the main part of my podcast today. I just want to go back and remind you that when we are little, when we are children, even teenagers, it's completely normal and expected that we're going to look to those around us to help us figure out who we are. If we matter, if we're valuable, if we belong. And if it's safe to feel okay right now. I remember when my babies were learning to walk and they would stand up under the piano or something like that. And unexpectedly hit their heads and they would just give me this look like. What the heck just happened to me. And I put on this big smile and be like, Hey. Okay. You're okay. And it was shocking how often that worked. They kind of be like, well, it hurt, but I guess I'm okay if you tell me I'm okay. And then they just move on with their day. Now the idea that none of us were ever taught really by the way, but that we have talked about a lot on the podcast. So hopefully you're learning a little more about it is that as we age and mature our need for outside approval and feedback decreases. And our own inner approval starts to matter more. We theoretically should be able to determine how good we are, how much we matter, if we're valuable, if we can feel okay on our own. Now, no man is an island. And so even in this ideal, I think it's normal to still be impacted by other people. But the hope is that it's less powerful. I don't know if that's really the right word. I guess the hope is that as we do the work to improve our own confidence and relationship with ourselves, that the thoughts, opinions, and the behaviors of other people don't have total control over us. But in reality, most of us don't really grow out of this way of being this way of looking to everyone around us to give us our sense of self. And even though we kind of hate it. We aren't always sure how to change it. But I've talked a lot about this on the podcast again. So hopefully my devoted listeners are starting to get an idea of where to begin. And I also hope that you can be patient with yourself as you learn how to do this, because it takes time. It's taking me a long time. But I am happy with my trajectory. I do think I'm going in the right direction and I've just decided it's okay. If this is a lifetime pursuit for me every day better. Right. So over the years I have listened to coaching or I have coached people who are really struggling because they tend to let the least competent people in their lives. Hold onto their feelings and their sense of self. So remember it isn't odd that we let those outside of us tell us how we should feel about ourselves. We all do this or have done this in one way or another, but what is so shocking is that so many of us give the most power to the least qualified people in our lives. So here's an example. Uh, daughter is struggling in her relationship with her father because growing up, he had really high expectations of his children. It's not because he couldn't be fun. He was, he was fun and he was generous. But he was often critical and sometimes really harsh in that criticism to her, right. Using words like lazy, stupid, careless, useless, those kinds of things. Now he himself, the father bounced around from job to job as this girl was growing up. Because he struggled so much with his mental health. And even now as an elderly man, he still struggles so much with his mental health. All she wanted as a child was his approval. And all she wants as an adult is his approval. It doesn't matter that she has siblings that adore her. A husband who thinks she's incredible. A mother who always praises her, she feels so terrible about herself because she can never hold on to the approval of her dad. Essentially she's found the person in her life who is honestly struggling the most. And asked him if he could hold her feelings about herself for her. It's like, Hey, you seem to be unable to think. Good thoughts about yourself. And you seem to be blowing up all of your relationships in the process. And I just wondered. If I could give you my very fragile and precious feelings to hold on to for awhile of all the capable hands around me, you're in capable hands, seem like my best bet. And I know that maybe that sounds a little harsh, but honest to goodness, we do this all the time. I see this one, I coach girls about their mother-in-laws. It's like, mother-in-law you don't seem to like me at all. You've actually been outright rude to me, but could I put my self esteem in your hands? Or I'll be coaching someone in their marriage and it's like, Hey husband, or, Hey wife, when you don't get what you want, you call me names or you punished me with silent treatment for three days. You seem to be in a terrible mental space. Could you hold onto my feelings about myself for awhile? Why is it that the person who doesn't have our best interests at heart, who seems to be having trouble managing their own self esteem is the first person we hand off our feelings to. It sounds crazy, but so many of us do this and then we're so angry when they drop them or crush them or break them like the unstable person should've done better with our fragile self esteem. And maybe this all sounds a bit extreme, but too often, we hand over our feelings to the least capable person. We know. So what is there to do about this? We have to be more intentional. The only reason the least capable person has our self esteem is because we're handing it over unconsciously. Now, I just want to say that many of these relationships, especially ones forged in our childhood have been this way for years. Our dad, our sister, our grandma had their hands all over our sense of self. From the time we were born. So, of course that is going to be our go-to and of course it's going to be natural. And of course we may need more than coaching or thought work something more like counseling to heal. Those past hurts. And completely allow ourselves to be free from their sticky fingers in our lives. But no matter what your past, you can start to take back some of your power and self-esteem into your own hands. Okay. So be intentional. And to be intentional, we first meet awareness. We have to be able to see. It may be totally obvious to you who you've been handing your sense of self to, but if not, you've got to start asking yourself some questions. Who do I struggle to be around? Because I always feel terrible about myself or embarrassed or less than because of them. Or who do I struggle being around because I feel myself getting defensive around them. Who do I think they're probably wrong about me and yet it feels so painful. Who do I sometimes think the thought about of, I just wish they didn't have so much power over me. I've heard this so many times when I'm coaching. I just wished they didn't have so much power over me. If they have power over you, it's probably because they're holding your feelings about yourself in their hands. So just start to get more aware of who is holding onto your self-esteem for you. And there may be many people that you're handing it off to. So you just want to start to see, like, where is this not working for me? Then what you need to get intentional about is what choice are you going to make now? Because I think you kind of have three choices. The first choice is you could take back a hundred percent responsibility for your self-esteem, your self-worth and your feelings. Or you could decide to select a few stable kind, have your best interest at heart type of people to hand your self esteem to. Or you could do a combination of these, which is what I think most of us probably need to do as we're learning how to feel good from the inside out, instead of from the outside in, because that is a skill, we just have not been taught that very well. And it truly is a skill that has to be developed and failed out a lot. And we need encouragement. So as you learn how to tell better stories about yourself to yourself, and as you work on your own confidence and self esteem, I think it is a good idea. If you need to, to more intentionally put your feelings into the hands of people, you really trust. People that you really trust to have your best interest at heart. And then the next step is to work on believing the good things about you, that those people tell you, and that you're telling yourself. Now remember all of our thoughts about ourselves are just stories. We make up what we think about anything. It's just a story we're telling ourselves. So I can go outside and think it's freezing out here. And my husband comes out in a t-shirt and shorts and looks at me like I'm crazy. We're experiencing the temperature differently. And often so many situations could have many stories about them that are true and valid, but have a different effect on how we feel about ourselves. I actually just listened to Jody Moore coach, a woman who. She had done this big class. She'd done it for free. It was a long day and she'd had 25 people signed up for her class. And this is what she said to Jody. But I only had three show up. And Jody was like, wait, stop. You're telling the story. Like it's a failure. When, what is also true is that you put this offer out 25. People wanted what you had to offer. But for various reasons, they were unable to commit the time to show up. Three people wanted what you offered so badly that they blocked off the day and came to the class because they knew it was going to help them and change their lives. And now you've learned some things that are going to help you going forward, as you make offers to help more and more people. This story is just as true as her first version. But one feels embarrassing and disappointing and the other feels hopeful and confident. So as you start to build up your own self-esteem and your own capacity to hold it in your own hands. You're going to have to start looking at the stories you're telling yourself and decide if you want to keep them or not. And maybe there are parts that you want to keep, but you've got to ask yourself what else is true. Just like that woman. It was true that she had three people show up for her class. But it was also true that her marketing had been effective. People wanted to know more about what she had to offer. It was true that she had given people good help. And all of this stuff, all the, what else is true stuff is an important part of the story. She needs to tell herself, not because she needs to have rose colored glasses or pull the wool over her own eyes or ignore what's wrong with her or what she could do better because, you know, I don't believe in that I believe in self confrontation and honest self reflection. But when we don't tell ourselves the whole story and we purposely omit the success and the good parts of the story. It isn't honest, it isn't kind, and it undermines our self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will continue to hand over our feelings to someone else. And often someone else less capable than us. So I want you to start to allow yourself to change the story of yourself to one that's kinder, more generous, and really, probably more honest. It is a good idea to think about what you would say to a dear friend. If they came to you telling you how horrible they are. Now you would be honest with them, but I promise you would be kind, you would be reassuring and you would tell them all the good things that you see in them so that they would have that picture of them to take with them. Which comes to my next point. If you're going to choose the best people, you know, to hold onto some of your self image or self esteem. Then you also have to choose to believe them when they say good things about you. Use what they say to consider something new about yourself. Ask yourself, could they be right about that? Or how are they right about me? I know this can be uncomfortable and hard, which sounds like utter madness because for years, other less respectable, people can tell you something unkind about yourself and you believe them without hesitation. At a seriously, so crazy, but I have done this. I still do this. I know I do. So now the challenge is to require yourself, to give their compliments and opportunity to impact you. A chance to be believed or even just a chance to want to want to believe them. Open yourself up to your goodness as seen through the eyes of other people. And you will actually start to find it easier to hold onto your self esteem in the face of those who are not your biggest fans. I have had some experiences in the last year. That we're just so unexpected. Where suddenly my brain was just open to what someone was saying to me. As this could possibly be true. And even though it wasn't like I could just latch onto it immediately is true. It really did help me to start to see myself more, fairly. Now, I know some of you are saying, I just wish I didn't care what anyone thought of me. And I know this because I've said that for years and my clients say it all the time. And I am going to actually do a podcast just on that. So watch for it. It's coming soon. But for now. What I want you to work on instead of trying to get to a place of not caring is to instead get to a place where your opinion of you matters most. This is not light work. This is not quick work, but this is completely possible. And I know that it is because I've done this work and I'm continuing to do this work. And I tell you, it feels so liberating to not have my feelings. And sometimes my very tender, very raw, vulnerable feelings in the hands of the least capable people in my life. You can do this. I promise if nothing else. Just get aware of who you're letting hold yourself esteem. Just awareness will be life-changing. I promise. Have a great week, everyone happy summer. Thanks for listening today. If you like what you hear on the podcast, and you'd like to learn more, feel free to head over to my website. Jamielynn Stephan coaching.com or find me on Instagram or Facebook at jamielynn Stephan coaching.