#127 - I Wish I Didn't Care What Other People Think About Me

I hear this all the time. So, I am diving deep into:

- why we care what other people think.

- why it's normal to care.

- and how to get out of the clutches of it.

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jamelyn@jamelynstpehan.com

Transcript

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I'm jamielynn Stephan and this is what to wanted. Episode number 127. I wish I didn't care. What other people think about me. Welcome to want to want it a podcast for women of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints who are ready to ignite not only their sexual desire, but all of their desires to create a more fulfilling life and marriage. I'm jamielynn Stephan, I'm a certified life coach, a wife, and a mother of seven children. I'm excited to share my personal journey to desire with you and teach you how to desire more as well. Happy Tuesday, everyone. What are you doing on this Tuesday or whatever day? You're listening to this podcast. Welcome to my little podcast world today. I think this topic will be helpful for you or for someone who you love that maybe we'll need to hear some of this from you after you've listened to it. So. As you coach for more and more years with more and more people, you come to realize that we all think so much alike. And there are a few phrases as a coach that you hear repeatedly from people. And one of them is some version of, I just wish I didn't care what people think about me. And I get it. I've said it. I have felt this way so much. So let's just kind of dig a little deeper into this and see if we can get to a more peaceful place around this. So when I ask people or even myself, why they wish they didn't care, what other people think of them? They say things like this. If I didn't care what other people thought of me, I wouldn't be afraid to try new things or to do some of the things that I really want to do. I'd get a funky haircut. I would try and learn how to slam dunk. I would try on a new style of clothing. I'd go back to school. I would homeschool my kids or I would stop homeschooling my kids. I learned how to surf I'd get a divorce. I would get remarried to a younger man than me. I'd paint my walls, a new color. I joined the local theater club. So there's this overall feeling like I have something I'd like to try or do, but because this doggone brain of mine cares so much about what other people think of me. I can't do them. Okay. So it feels to us like there's something inside of us that we can't control or change, but it is in charge of whether or not we get to go do something we want to do. Okay. So that's the first reason people wish that they just didn't care about the opinions that other people have about them. The next reason that I hear is that if I didn't care about what other people thought about me, their criticism or unkind treatment of me wouldn't affect me. I wouldn't feel offended or sad or hurt or defensive if I just didn't care what they thought of me. And here's the funny thing about this, and I've touched on this in other podcasts, but when we feel like people are judging us or being critical of us, we take it in and feel terrible and wish we just didn't care so much about what they thought of us. But when people are complimentary to us, many of us suddenly don't care at all about what they think about us. We have no problem telling ourselves that they're not really being genuine or that if they really knew us, they wouldn't think the things about us that they do. It's fascinating. Hey. So it's just good to look at yourself, right? Ask yourself. Do I really care? What other people think about me? Like I think I do, or do I just have a habit of only letting people's negative thoughts about me? Count that's something to consider. So here's something good to know. The reason we wish we didn't care about what other people think of us is because then we wouldn't have to feel a negative emotion. Because again. If we love all the positive ways people think about us, we aren't going to complain about that. We're not going to be like, I sure wish it didn't affect me when people really love me so much. What we hate is when we feel like we're being judged or that we're going to be judged for what we do or criticized, or we feel like people are going to talk behind our backs. We hate the feeling that comes with that you don't want to feel hurt or sad or embarrassed or disappointed. And so. We feel like if I could just stop caring what others thought of me, then I would be able to avoid these negative emotions I'm going to feel because it's our emotions that motivate us. We naturally seek the things that make us feel good and avoid the things that don't. We will avoid negative emotions at all costs. Okay. So let's see if we can think about all this in a little different way. Okay. I think the first thing to do is to accept that right now. You care, what other people think. That's where you're at. And if I'm being honest, I think we will always care on some level. What other people think about us? Okay. So let's start with when our brain cries out. I just wish I didn't care. What other people think, answer yourself with. I understand. I totally get it. But right now you do care and that's okay. Because it makes total sense. We've talked about this a lot on here, but from the first. Moments for unearth. We are looking around us to figure out how we fit and where we belong. We want to be accepted and acceptable. And many of us for sure have spent at least the first 15 years of our lives. Not knowing how to not care about what other people think of us. And some of us have spent the last 40 years only knowing how to care, what other people think of us. So be kind to yourself. You are well-practiced at this. And you would have to become a very detached person to really never care what anyone ever thought of you. And even then, I don't know if it's totally possible to actually do that and still be mentally healthy. So first we're going to accept. Hey. I do care. I care what people think. And second, we're going to accept that it's normal to care. What other people think of you? And remember, there are times when we want to care what someone else is thinking about us. Okay. Not just for the good things, but also for the blind spots that we could have. If my husband thinks I was unkind to him. I can wall myself off and say that my opinion is the only one that matters and that his opinion doesn't matter at all, but that never actually helps me show up better in my marriage. That never actually helps me become a better wife and build a stronger marriage. So sometimes what other people think about us is good information and we want it. So let's drop the whole, I wish I didn't care what other people thought of me or think of me and then let's get to okay. As a human, I do care. What other people think of me on some level. So why don't I just get more deliberate about who those people are, who I want those people to be in my life. Because it is actually really funny when I'm talking to people, I'll say to them. So who are the people that you wish you didn't care about? What they thought of you? Like, who is this? Who are they? And so often they are literally the faceless. No, one's like they can't even name them. When I asked them, like whose opinion they wished didn't affect them. The honestly, sometimes we're at a total loss. Sometimes they can tell me like two people or four people. Like when they come to me, they're telling me this story, like, I just can't handle the judgment of the 10,000 people in the town that I live in. But in reality, it's usually just this handful of people that they wish it didn't really matter. So you remember, I just recently did an episode about how we sometimes give our most precious, vulnerable feelings and self esteem to the least stable least, kind, least healthy person. We know. And tell them to take care of how we feel about ourselves. And then we're super ticked off when they do a bad job of it. And so I suggested that if you wanted to allow others to hold onto part of your self esteem, you had better choose more intentionally and carefully. I'm going to suggest a very similar thing again. Because we do not really care what other people think of us. And because we do have people that their opinion of us, we do value. I want to suggest that you sit down and deliberately write a list that says at the top, the people whose opinion of me, I want to care about. I did this. It was a shockingly short list. I sat for a few minutes and then this is what I wrote down. The three people, I care about what they think of me. God, my husband and myself. Now I want to be clear. It's not because I won't take direction from anyone else or I won't be open to someone else's. Criticism of me that I am making a deliberate decision about whose opinion I'm going to prioritize when my brain wants to freak out and say, how will people think of you? Do you know what I mean? Like if I wanted to go back to school, which I don't, but we're going to use that as an example anyways. If I wanted to go back to school and my brain is saying to me, All the reasons I shouldn't, because here's all the judgments that are going to come your way from people. If you do right, they're going to tell you you're too old. You're going to be out of place. They're going to tell you you're still needed at home. And this is very selfish of you and what a waste of time and money for you to go back to school. When that kind of stuff goes into my brain, then I can settle myself down so that all those thoughts and words aside, and remember that the only opinions that really matter to me right now are God's my husband's and mine. And so I'm going to make my decision based on that and not on anything else or anyone else. Because if I don't do that and I got all tied up in what other people are thinking and saying, then I will most definitely find myself saying, I wish I didn't care. What other people thought of me. When in reality, I'm choosing to care and I'm choosing to care what they think of me over what my most important people are thinking. Just be honest with yourself. Okay. You are choosing to let their opinions matter. It's not happening to you. But that being said, sometimes it is valuable to say, I'm going to make this decision, knowing that people are going to have an opinion about it that differs from mine. And it's going to be uncomfortable for me, potentially very painful for me to feel the rejection or the judgment or the criticism of it all. But guess what? I'm a big girl. And I can feel rejection and be okay. I can feel sad or disappointed and be okay. It's just a feeling. And it will pass and I will be okay. And that's called having your own back. And that's really what more of us need to work on. Instead of trying to make sure no one has any negative impact on us. We need to work on having our own back, being kind to ourselves and having the confidence that no matter what negative feeling may come, we will be okay. We know how to process a negative emotion, allow it and let it leave our body. Another way that we can have our back in these kinds of scenarios is to tell ourselves that even though it can be hard, I don't want to care. What other people think about me when I'm living in integrity with myself. So I've had to make some pretty unpopular parenting decisions recently. Kids have been crying. I have been called unfair. And truthfully, it actually makes my heart hurt that my kids feel sad by my decisions, but there are choices that I feel like have been made from the very best in me, from my integrity. They feel wise and protective, and I just can't go back on them, knowing what I know. But again, I am unpopular. But I guess this really goes back to whose opinion of me. I want to matter most. And with God and me on that list, living with integrity has to count more to me then winning the most popular mom of the year award. Another example, I don't drink alcohol. I have no desire to drink alcohol for religious reasons and health reasons. I'm not drinking alcohol. In the past, I've had people be ultimately critical of me for that. I've had them say things in front of others that have kind of left me tongue tied and embarrassed. But in the end, my integrity mattered most. And so I didn't really care what they thought of me or said about me. Now. Yeah, I was a little hurt by some of the things that happened because it's actually normal. If mean words don't feel good. But I really didn't care why they thought drinking a glass of wine a day was essential for my health and I was going to die of a heart attack for sure. That opinion really didn't matter to me because it was more important for me to live with integrity. So just to wrap up. Make a list of the few people whose opinion you want to care about. It can just be you on that list. That's actually O K. But you for sure need to be on that list. Then when you think to yourself, I really wish I didn't care what other people thought of me. I want you to first stop and accept, but I do right now and that's okay. That's normal. And then from there, you can require yourself to get more specific about whose opinion you wished you didn't care about. Who is it? That specifically you're thinking about, is it just the faceless masses or is it actually someone you can name? And that your get yourself refocused on the list you made is that person you're worried about even on your list, because if not, then you can let it go. You may feel sad about their opinion. You may be uncomfortable, but you, aren't going to act dictated by their opinion. If they're not on your, your opinion matters to me list, then you're not going to act on their opinion. Be open to what others have to say to you, but don't take it all on as fact, because there are going to be people out there who will have some good feedback for you. It may be honest, hard feedback, but you're going to want it. If you want to grow and become a better version of yourself. So they may not be on your, your opinion matters list. But maybe they have a good insight. You should be open to considering. And lastly, remember that your integrity can matter most of all. And so you can tell yourself, Hey, listen. Here's the time when no one else's opinion gets to matter for sure. And that's when I know I'm living in integrity with myself. Okay. I have a great week, everyone. Bye. Thanks for listening today. If you like what you hear on the podcast, and you'd like to learn more, feel free to head over to my website. Jamielynn Stephan coaching.com or find me on Instagram or Facebook at jamielynn Stephan coaching.