#128 - Judging Your Desires

Our brains are really good at being judgy and so many people who state a desire find that their brain has a lot of judgments about what they want. 
"You're so selfish."
"You can't do that."
"Your priorities aren't right."
"You're so greedy."
Listen to this episode to find out why our brains do this and how to override our judgemental self.

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I'm jamielynn Stephan, and this is what to wanted. Episode number 128. Judging your desires. Welcome to want to want it a podcast for women of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints who are ready to ignite not only their sexual desire, but all of their desires to create a more fulfilling life and marriage. I'm jamielynn Stephan, I'm a certified life coach, a wife, and a mother of seven children. I'm excited to share my personal journey to desire with you and teach you how to desire more as well. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the podcast today. Today, I want to talk about judging your desires and here's what I mean. Someone will think to themselves. I really want. Fill in the blank. And the next instant they're passing all sorts of judgments on why they shouldn't want what they want. So, for example, a mom says I really want a day for myself, no family around. Just rest. You know, work on a project without interruption, have a chance to just have total control of the remote, whatever. Right. I just want one day by myself and immediately her brain says that is so selfish. Or maybe you want to start a business, you have an idea, you love a product or a service you want to offer to people, and you just really feel the desire to start a business, but your brain says you can't do that. You have no idea how to do that. That's actually impossible for you. Perhaps you're someone who has a big physical goal. You feel like you want to achieve, maybe you want to run a marathon or peak a mountain or beat a record at the CrossFit gym, right. Something like that. And your brain says that goal is totally out of your reach. Some people set financial goals for themselves. Maybe they want to earn. $5 million this year and all their brain can say to that is you are so greedy. Or maybe you're someone who wants a six pack or a certain waist size and your brain says you're so shallow. You're just so shallow. And our brains do this all the time and they're extra good at it because not only do they spend all day judging what we want and desire, they spend all day judging what other people want and desire. People will get vulnerable and share what they want. And our brain tends to go to. That's impossible. Who do you think you are? Or they're so selfish or they're so vain, they're focused on the wrong things. You know, they're materialistic. They have their priorities mixed up, right? Like our brains are really, really good at being judgmental. No. I've talked on here before about the motivational triad, right. We seek pleasure. We seek ease and we avoid pain. These are really what will motivate us. If we don't consciously choose something different. And this served us well for many years, because we lived in a, for real dangerous world. Well, not us, but our ancestors one where you could be eaten by a tiger going to get water for your family, you know, or they were living in a world where if it, you know, if it doesn't rain for too long, like you don't eat. So, this is kind of how our brains have evolved and we need to be kind to our brain. That's like, listen, we need things to be easy because we only have so much energy to expend. When everything we do has to be done by hand or through walking, we need to avoid danger and death at all costs. And. Then like getting that foot rub felt amazing, right? Like this is what our brain is, is trained to do. Seek pleasure and avoid pain. This is totally normal and a big way that our very long ago, ancestors survived was by being in groups or tribes. Right. Being in a tribe, decrease the work, increase the safety, and it also increased the pleasure. But for those of us in north America, most of the time we are living in a very easy world. We're seeking ease and pleasure and avoiding pain often doesn't serve us. Because it actually can decrease the satisfaction and enjoyment of our lives and certainly negatively impact our personal growth. But we are still tribal by nature. We want to belong. There is safety and belonging. But this desire to belong in this motivational triad of seeking ease and pleasure and safety, make it really easy for us to become very judgmental. So part of belonging means we want to keep up. So if we feel like someone is getting ahead of us, we can start to make judgements about their goals and desires. Kind of like the lobster in the pot. Is that what it is? Lobsters that grab and pull each other back into the pot. Let's just say that's what it is. Okay. That's what we start to do. We want to keep everyone equal and together. It feels safer that way. In fact, it's not even that equality matters so much. It's more of like, you just can't be better than me. And what would even be better than that is if you are less than me, because then my place in this tribe is more secure than yours. And then I get to feel safer here. So don't you other person go getting too big for your britches? Because that makes me feel insecure. I might not have a tribe soon if you get too far ahead of me. And so when we hear other people's desires, we can start to judge them. Right. We're like, Hey. Don't be getting ahead here. Don't be trying to leave me behind. Don't be doing anything that threatens my place in this tribe. And we also know that even for us, right, getting too big for your britches can sometimes go badly for you for the person who does it. So when we start to allow ourselves to desire something, Our brain steps in and says, well, stop what you're doing. Who do you think you are? You're going to get too big for your britches. And this tribe's going to judge you and kick you out. This is not a safe thing to do. So, this is one of the reasons that we judge people and we judge their desires and it's the same reason why we unfairly judge our desires. Another reason that we do this is because of past experience, past experiences, shape our opinions of what is good and bad, right. And wrong sensible, or totally crazy. So, if you grew up in a home where your mom stayed home until you and your siblings all left home. But you suddenly find yourself wanting to go back to school or get a job. Your brain may very well, judge, you harshly for that desire. If your dad had a very successful career as a businessman and you decide your greatest desire is to be a kindergarten teacher. Your brain may tell you you're crazy and lazy and not as good. I look at my youngest daughter and the little girls on our basketball team. If they attempt a three point shot and miss, even if they want to make a three point shot one day, they have a hard time overcoming their judgmental brains and trying again. I've had friends who just want to end the patterns of abuse that have plagued their families for generations, but their brains seem to always offer them that. That is so impossible. Right. So our past experience sets us up to be really judgy to ourselves and our desires. My husband is a big idea, man. At least to me, he really is. I am much more conservative. Do what you've always kind of seemed done kind of girl. And he's always thinking about something new to try or do or to buy. And so he will come to me with this big idea and also start to tear it apart. Not harshly. Just more like, have you thought about this or how would that work given the ages of our kids right now? Or do you want to spend that kind of money right now? So he has called me a dream killer for a long time and I took offense to it because I felt like I was just being captain logic. But over time, I can see that both of us are actually probably right. There were times when I was being captain logic, just opening his eyes to some things that maybe he hadn't considered. But there were times when I was just being judgmental of his dream. And I tell you this story, because what I see so many people do to themselves is be dream crushers to themselves. They think a thought about something they desire and smash no more dream. Right? They kill it by judging it as too expensive, too hard, too selfish to whatever. I'm not against using the reasonable mind. You have been blessed with to decide if it truly is wise or not to pursue a desire, right? They want to use that logical brain, that reasonable mind, but you can't make a good choice if you aren't given the choice. And when we judge our desires so harshly that we crushed them right off the bat. You really never get a chance to make a choice. So I think you have two choices while you probably actually have many more choices than that, but if you are the biggest judger of your wants and desires, I have two suggestions of things you can do. One, you can just let it be, just know that your brain is always going to judge your desires and just leave it at that. Just be like, yep. I'm going to have a desire. My brain is going to come in to have a lot of judgment about it. It's fine. The second thing you can do is you can expect it just kind of like I was saying, like, yep, this is what my brain does, but you're actually going to let yourself feel the feelings that come up with it. And then you're going to redirect your brain to something else. Okay. And I'm working on something similar right now. But one thing I want to suggest is to think of a character from a book or a movie who feels really judgy. So my daughter suggested Regina George from mean girls. I've actually never seen it, but maybe you know who that is, or for you who are pride and prejudice fans, lady Catherine de Berg. Right. Just kind of this idea of this really judgmental judgy person. Think of someone looking down their nose at you, scoffing at you, rolling their eyes at you. Take that image and put it in your mind. Or maybe somewhere where you're going to see it. And title that image, my judgmental self. This is your judger. And the reason I want to suggest this is because first it helps to eliminate their power. You recognize it's their pride and ego. That's judging you. And that it is not a friend giving you good advice. This is a judger. The other reason. I think it's a good idea is because it helps you remember that you really don't respect the judger. No one respects the mean girl or the prideful man. So if it helps and I think it will give yourself a judger to picture in your mind. And when you think to yourself, I love to do that. And your brain says that is so selfish. You can just picture your judge. You're saying it and realize you probably don't care what they think. So you can expect that your judger is always going to be hard at work in your mind, crushing your dreams and judging your desires. So let the thoughts come and then let the feelings come that come with it. It will be interesting because you will feel judgmental. That will be one of the feelings that will come, but you will also feel disappointed or embarrassed or ashamed because of the desire you wanted. That the judge had told you, you shouldn't want, so you may have to actually process two emotions here for sure. You're going to have to allow him process the negative emotion that comes up in you when you are judging yourself harshly. And then you can redirect your mind to what your hero, your advocate, your believer would tell you. And I want to point out that as you do this process, your judger will get quieter. He, or she probably won't totally disappear, but they will not be so loud as you practice giving them less credit and listening more to your hero, your advocate, your believer. So. If you want to process emotion. That comes up from the judgment and then redirect your mind. It is going to require you to probably have some go-to thoughts. You think when your judgy brain has had it say. So Maybe it will be something like it's all good judgy brain. I'm just learning how to let myself desire things, even impossible things so that I can learn more about myself and who I am. We are safe. I'm going to let myself desire this so that I can practice how to do it. And see how it feels. Okay, but nothing scary is happening right now. Or you could say it's okay. Judgy brain. I'm just playing with this possibility. I don't want to do anything crazy. You can trust me. Or it's okay. Judgy brain. I'm a good person and I won't be selfish and greedy. Like you think I will be. Did you know, judgy brain that you can go after your desires and still keep your good character. You didn't. Well, let me show you how it's done. What if this turns out amazing. Remember, desiring and learning how to go after what you want are essential to establishing a good relationship with yourself and with contributing in positive ways to your most important relationships and to society. We actually want to always be desiring. We want to want it, But for some of us, it takes a lot of practice. So if we have a brain that's always judging our desires as mine does. We have to learn how to calm our judgy brain down and truly speak logic to it. It feels like it's being so logical that in reality, it's just freaking out. So we have to reassure our minds by reminding it of our intentions and of our character. So let the emotions come. If you're wanting something you thought you couldn't want or something you have never considered wanting, you can count on your judgy brain showing up. So let the judgment come. Let the negative emotions come. You can even let judgy brain have it say right. Have it just have it subtle mine spill. But then after that, let the feeling be in your body and start to redirect your brain to stories that are true, but also permissive and supportive of going after what you want. Remember, we actually have lots of wants and desires come through our mind in a day. Some of them we don't even hardly pay attention to. So there are already a lot of desires that will never go past the think about stage. So don't freak out when your brain offers you something it wants. Allowing yourself to want it for a time. Doesn't mean it will ever be something you pursue, but you will never even have a chance if you don't override your judgy brain and let yourself want it. The last thing I want to leave you with is that when you disrespect your desires, you teach other people to disrespect. What you desire. But even more hurtful than that, the more you allow yourself to disrespect your desires. The more you will continue to disrespect your desires and the less likely you will be to ever know yourself well or go after what you really want. So let's just practice letting go of the judgments of our desire, or at least let it come and then redirect our minds to what is really going on here so that we can learn how to want to want it, learn how to know ourselves better. Have a great week, everybody by. Thanks for listening today. If you like what you hear on the podcast, and you'd like to learn more, feel free to head over to my website. Jamielynn Stephan coaching.com or find me on Instagram or Facebook at jamielynn Stephan coaching.