Fear, Respect, and Our Kids Could Never

In this episode, we're asking a question that might make some people uncomfortable:

Were we respectful... or were we just scared?

We unpack the difference between fear and respect, sharing stories from our childhood and comparing them to how our own kids would respond today. From "the look" to unspoken household rules, we reflect on what shaped us, what we're keeping, and what we're changing as parents.

Along the way, we talk about generational differences, parenting styles, and why understanding the "why" behind behavior matters more than blind obedience.

As always, there's plenty of laughter, a little nostalgia, and a whole lot of talking out loud.

Transcript

0:01

Welcome. Talk out loud with the Fisher Girls. This is a podcast that we say what everybody's thinking, but nobody wants to say hers. So we'll start with what we're drinking today, Tam. I'm drinking one of my margaritas. I did a girl. What are my margaritas from Tequila? You probably still can't say it, but yes, I had an event this weekend and I had some margaritas left over. So all this week I'm just like, little girl, give me a margarita at the fridge. And she's like, today I said, give me two. Two? I thought you had a headache. I was like, girl, give me the margarita. I was like, this will help. Um, and today I've switched it up a little. No, but it's not red wine today, folks. This is Tella Rosa honey peach brandy. And it's Brandy's brandy. That's really good. Sounds wine. Honey and peach, that sounds very, really good. We don't care about it. Anyway, okay. Yes. Spirits are flowing. All right, folks. We have some things to talk all out. Starting with drinking. Yes. Respect versus fear. Okay, here's my dilemma. Growing up, not even growing up, I'll say my early 20s, right? Um, I would not drink around mom and dad. Or yes, I would. That's why. I would absolutely drink around them. I would just put it in a yeti. And me and Yeti go really bad together. So I have tons of Yetis. So I would just walk around with a different Yeti. My parents had no clue if there was wine or water in there for all they knew. But now that I'm in my ripe age and I'm a grown adult, um, do I still not drink in front of them? And if I do or do not, is it because I'm afraid of like the consequences? Or is it just like some underlying level of respect? Like, Tam, would you drink in front of mom and dad now? And then why are why not? Oh, that's a limited question. So I feel like I was I'm the only one who's held out this long not drinking in front of them. Um you had a party at your house when you were married um 10 years ago. And when they walked in, she will not let the story go. When they walked in, the sink was like full of beer and ice. Why you didn't have a cooler girl? I don't know. But I just I remember that scene like it was yesterday, and she has she has not let that story die. And so I don't know, maybe because I was so young, like from then on, I was like, oh, I never drinking in front of them. We had a party every weekend when I was married, and I I don't know if they were there or they weren't, but like I don't ever remember drinking in front of them. I just acted like I was so holy. I don't I don't know. So that's what it was holiness. That's why you know, maybe that's what I felt like, oh, you're not gonna see me and and judge me because like what if what if my speech is my speech? See, what if my speech is slurring? Or what if I black out, you know, I don't know. You know, back in the early married days, I drinking was not um that like totally sounds like fear then, fear of being judged. So you will not drink in front of mom and dad because there's a possibility of control of what they thought I should look like and be like and stay. And yeah, 100%. And then there was a time that one of our other sisters hosted Christmas, and I still like, you know, everybody was drinking. They know we drink. Everybody was doing it, nobody had any qualms about doing it, and then it was just me like looking at it, like she's like, I just remember mom coming to me finally and was like, You're grown. If you want to have a drink, drink. Yes. I still don't drink around her. I mean, I do now, but like we went to the, you know, we went on the mother-daughter trip. We all got a drink at the restaurant, but like, was I purposely doing chats at the Airbnb in front of her? No. Because I know how she, I think it's just for me, I feel like it's out of respect because I know how she feels about it. And it really has nothing to do with us. It is her own history, her own familiar stuff, familial things. Um, and I I feel like I'm respecting, you know, that in some way. But yes, the more and more I'm around her. If we're somewhere else, not obviously at their house or anything, then yes, I will have um a drink. However, if her and I just go out to eat, I'm not gonna have a drink. Hmm. That's really interesting. But it's it's it's both. It's the fear of being judged, and then it's the respect for why she doesn't want us to drink. Well, I don't recall mom ever. Well, up until recently, as in last week, um, I didn't know how she felt about it because I've just always snuck around and done it. That's accurate for my entire childhood. Just to grind it. No need for you to see me do it. I'll just walk out the front door. That's good times. Yeah. That's another story for another podcast. But did we talk about how we did different things? You snuck out, I snuck people in. Did we already share that story? Yes. Another podcast. Let's V tour for just a second on that, but please let us. So as we were in our lovely Friendswood, Texas house, um, my dad worked nights, my mom worked during the day, and would be in bed by like 8:30, 9 o'clock. And then by the time my dad would leave, it'd be about 10:30. So your girl would just walk out the house, the front door, because I was bold with it. You know, I did it with my chest. I was bold with it. Walked right out the front door, closed it, locked it, left, walked around the street to uh won't say her name, but to so-and-so's house. And then we would take her car to the gas station on the corner and get our beer and our cigarettes, and like just get all buzzed, and then we would head to the club every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And I would just come back in the house because what? My mom was sleep. I didn't have my whole junior year. I think it was like my whole junior year. 17. I was like 14, which is that time for me. How did I not know you weren't in the house? I'm gonna say, girl, when once daddy left, I was on that fax machine phone in the dining room saying, okay, he's gone, come over. I did not know that. We there's no cell phone, girl. What is this, 1990s? Like that yeah, no. There's that's the only way I could call. Hello, you went to the office fax machine phone, to use and be like, he's coming. You know, I threw the back door, so odd, isn't it cool? You snuck people in through the back door, and I just plainly walking through the front door. It is so indicative of our lives, it is good times. Good times, me who back on track. Okay, yes. So up until recently, as in last week, mom has never said like how she felt about drinking, and I thought that was very odd. So I don't even remember how the conversation got started, but she said, Well, you know, when we were at the mother-daughter trip in Santa Barbara, um, y'all had a drink with like every single meal. And I'm looking at her like, yeah, um, like I didn't, and my kid is sitting right next to me on the couch, and we also have water, but yes, uh, I mean, just go with it. Okay, yeah, I'm sure. Um and so I listened to her and she was like, you know, have you ever seen your dad or I drink? No, I haven't. Now, side note, yes, I have, but I don't want to tell her that right then and there. But there was this place in um in Umble, I'm gonna say, and there was like a grand opening of some kind of little, you know, specialty store, and they had Wassail, and I love Wassa, it just screams fall for me. And we went into this grand opening, and you know, we got a cup of Wassail, me and my mom, we were sip sipping, and then mom just got really giddy, like she was just laughing at a lot of stuff, and I was like, what's wrong with her? And then I asked the owner, I was like, hey, what's all in this? Because you know, I'm just gonna buy a bag and like take it home. And she was like, Oh, and rum. I said, Wait, there's rum in here. I said, No wonder mom was giddy. And I told her too, I was like, Mom, you know there's rum in here. She's like, Oh my goodness. And that was kind of the end of that. No, I didn't, I didn't remind her of that, but no, never seen my parents drink or smoke in front of us ever in life. So when she made the comment, how you know her dad was an alcoholic, my dad's dad was an alcoholic, and they just were very, very afraid. Oh, I know how that got started. I was talking about an addictive behavior, like addictive personalities. That's she brought that up. And I was like, well, mom, let me just say this. I'm grown and I'm tired of lying. I don't want to lie to you and pretend that I'm drinking something that I'm not. I shouldn't have to do that. But out of respect for you, I apologize. I did not mean to offend you in any way. I was just trying to live my truth, and that's exactly verbatim on what I told her. And she's just like, I understand. Which back to the other comment, though. To be fair, we are the 35 and up children. Like, can because neither one of us had children after 35. So I can't imagine, child. Yes, I'm probably a very different parent than I would have been in my 20s. Like we were with our kids. Like we, you know, there's two above us, her and I, our parents were already 35 having Rebecca, and then 38 having me. So, yes, we got the saved, uh, I won't say their name. We got the saved parents who, if they did smoke or drink, they didn't anymore because we're already 35 plus. Not to say you have to stop or whatever, but I don't know. I don't know that like the comment of like, oh, have you ever seen us? No, because you had us when you were old and tired. This is true. So yeah, I don't know. I mean, a few years ago I remember because my divorce was so mentally exhausting, I was like, I'm gonna stop drinking at 40. I'll be 42 in July. That's good, it's good for you. Okay, okay. Well, I mean, I don't need it. I think living back with mom and dad after my divorce, I've really felt like, oh, I don't need to drink. I felt so good. Like I had support, I had a place to stay. It's familiar, it's safe, it's loving. I've helped with my children for once. Like, no, the thought of drinking never crossed. And I was too old, I was like 36 or whatever. I didn't feel like I needed to sneak it in. Like, I'm not, you know, 18, or I was already married at 18 and out, but I'm not 14 anymore. I don't need to sneak the stuff in like it's just it just wasn't like a thing. But then I realized, like, oh, I don't need to drink. And then even when I bought my house, I'm like, I really didn't drink until people came over. Because I had a bar because I had a bar. Like, sure, I'll stop some stuff for y'all. And that's it. When they were gone, I didn't really drink. It just it just depends. Like, I've definitely found that I don't need to do it, and I found out why I was excessively. Um but yes, I understand her her fear. I understand it. Um, but I mean, sadly enough, you know, she tried to monitor like our food and stuff, but then, you know, how I say like she tried to watch what we eat and what everybody's eating, but like you're the only one, knock on wood, you know, with diabetes. And yes, that's also running runs in the family cardiovascular, like on daddy's side, like that's true, very, very true. There's a lot of things. There's a lot of things and probably things we still don't even know because we don't know. Um, so yeah, I mean, no, I'm not as as afraid to drink in front of them, but if it's just us one-on-one, of course, not in their house ever. Um, but like, yes, if we go to to our sisters for the holidays, yeah, I'll have I'll have my yeti. And there you go. Yeti covers a multitude of sin. Housefold except for Adams, Rat Gut, Stanley, and the handle broke. And I was like, see, yeti. Should have got a yeti. Should have been a yeti. Which makes this story makes me think of your other sister who shunned my drinks. She didn't shun them. Come on, I'm packing. I shunned. I shunned her drinks, rightfully so. Jose Cuervo. Letting it smooth. Did you follow me at all? Do you listen to the words that I say ever? Like if any alcohol you should have got. Why? Why on earth would you have gone to the liquor store of a multitude of things and got Jose Cuervo? And then be surprised that we don't want her out your margarita. Girl, it's the it was the pet tart. It's always tart, which she likes tart. That's that's great. So I was just like, oh, you you like the lime, you know, acid reflux. I can't do the citrus. And then when she said Jose Cuerva, I was like, oh, hell girl, what are you doing with your life? I don't know. I don't know. But your tequila margaritas are all I have not had a bad one ever. They're good. There's there's not like that bite at the end because it's like crispy, it's not crispy, it's very smooth, and it's good, like it's delicious. And I'm sure that you could talk about it, but there's probably like two or three ingredients in it. Like, that's all that's in there, but dang, when you put them together, maybe it's made with love because if I make it, it may not turn out that way. Well, you did. You made it from my book. I mean, it's only four ingredients, it's very simple. I mean, you use fresh lime juice or don't it, whatever. But no, it's tequila, agave, grain marnier, and lime juice, and or lemon juice, either one, and it's still a great margarita. You know, the portions you'll have to buy my book, but it's so simple. The event that I did this weekend, it was literally only one person out of like 32 people that came and had a shot. One person, she kept she kept coming back to get the requisito. She was like, pick up a line, just one more. You know, just one more. And I'm like, okay, girl, like it's okay. Just like you know, she was at the plate and like kept picking up the limes and just like just one more. She really liked the request idol. But only one person asked they did this, this, and I was like, I know she blank, because they no. Yeah, that may be out of it. I'll give you that, but like it doesn't do that if you do it right. It really doesn't. And then one lady was so cute, she was like, She just looked at the table because that was the first table when you come in. She looked at the table, like, oh my god. And then she kept walking. Now they they knew it was gonna be her. Maybe they forgot, or maybe they didn't see it, I don't know. But she kept walking, and somebody had asked her before she got like to the workout spots. Um, she's like, Yeah, I don't mind tequila, but I don't want to shoot it this early. And I was like, That was so much better. But then she came back around and I was like, You I was like, you know what? You don't, it's not for shooting, it's actually, you know, a zipper. So I told her how to do it. And then when she was done, she was like, Oh I was like, how do you feel? I love it. And she's like, good. She's like, okay. And she bought me, she bought two margaritas. I was like, thank you. I was like, I do girls' nights, bachelorettes, whatever. And she was like, Oh, nice. It was a great time. Good time. Yeah. I can't think of anything else that I do out of like fear or respect. Oh, the chores, which is something I struggle with with my children, oddly enough. I feel like I'm a little sure, I'm a little lenient, but I feel like I just don't want to hover. I don't want to berade y'all, I don't want to follow you around. I'm definitely coming upstairs and walk beside you, not doing it. I'm not yelling. I give time frames and I, you know, dates. I feel like that is the best, but they don't see it that way. And then when you mention things about your childhood, you just get met with like, well, that's you know, in the 80s. I'm like, dude, I was born in 84. Like, what what troll was I doing at six? Let's push it to the 90s at least. Okay. Dear God. But they just don't, they don't hear you. When and then when I really get upset, I mean I'm still monotone, but I'm just like, you know, this would never out of respect for my parents, or was it fear, that I knew that this stuff better be done by the time that lady walks in this house. That for me was 100% fear. 100% fear. Respect, don't give a shit. But fear, absolutely, absolutely, because I'm afraid you're gonna come in here and hurt my physical body. And it's a no for me. It's a no. But did we ever find out? Like, did anyone test? Like, if it wasn't done, did something happen to them? And that's why we're afraid. Like, I don't know. I remember a time that I was in my own room at this point. I had that brown like thing, that desk that would lift up and it was like storage underneath or whatever. And I was vacuuming, and I was done vacuuming. I put it up, and mom came in and she was like, You missed a spot. And I was just like, What? And she was like, You have to move this and then vacuum and put it back. And I was like, Okay, like next time or whatever. And she was like, Go get the and I was like, You've got to be kidding me. Go get the vacuum. Like, I'm done. No, no. And I was like, you know what? I don't wish to ever do that again. That was enough for me. That was funny. And then, of course, you know, we did, like you said, have certain chores that we were responsible for. And I will be clear from a childhood up until now, I hate dishes. Hate them, we'll always hate them. I that I mean, see, I had the tree to cover it up. Now, actually, I don't have any dishes in acting right now, but um, that was a great pleasure when I had a child because I was like, dishes, because it's not for me. I I hate them with I would rather go clean a toilet than do dishes because our mother, I don't know how no, daddy always cleaned as he cooked, but mom would use every pot in the kitchen, and so did her mother. And I spent a lot of time with my grandmother. And so when we would go cook, or when I would go cook over there on like Tuesdays or Fridays, because yes, those were my days, she would use every pot. And I would just be like, I'm gonna be in here forever. There's no TV in there, the only music they're listening to is that what's his name? Jones or something. And it was like 99 degrees. So I think you're right. That is the fear of being re-traumatized. I was like, yeah, no, I'll just hurry up and do it. Let me lift every cranny up, let me dust everything. Dust wash P inspections so I can move on. I do not that your dishes is my dust. I don't care. I just I can't stand it. I just remember telling mom, like, when I get my own house, I'm never having any wood furniture. It's like everything's wood. Little did I know, there's still dust, little girl. Um, and we had glass, you know, we didn't have children when we got married, so it was like we had the the glass tables and thought we were like so. Uppity. I mean back then 100% uppity, but yes, I agree. That quickly removed the glass. We had the glass coffee table, the glass kitchen table. Like everything was glass. And I'm like, that is the dumbest thing I could have ever. I feel like now, like you were saying, with our kids, I could tell uh my kid, like, listen, trash is coast out on this day. You need to, you know, I I would give her the whole shebangabang. It would still be every morning a fight. And like you said, it's just like, do you not know who I am? We could have gotten away with this. And you know, the little boy will be like, Can I just do it tomorrow? You've been home since 3 p.m. I give you till 8 p.m. If you're if you're coming home and going to sleep, and then like all of a sudden you have the surge of energy at 10, go do them at 10. But it's like, how are you if you're so sleepy, like go to sleep at night? What are you doing? Oh, can I just do them tomorrow? Mind you, there's like five dishes. That's what pisses me off. Like, I'm not cooking, you know, four course wheels. And I clean as I cook. And there just there just isn't that many dishes. Like, I'm not cooking as much as I used to. They're both teenagers. So it's like, are you kidding me? You can and then or he'll be like, what dishes? And then I want to screen. Because I know you sell this kitchen. Two spoons, the fork, and the cup. Can you put them in the dishwasher? That's and that's the two tan. It's not like we're asking them to clean the kitchen like we had to clean the kitchen. It wasn't just doing the dishes, it was cleaning off the stove, putting things in smaller containers. And don't get me wrong, if there was already containers in the in the fridge, guess what? We had to break that down to smaller containers. Yeah, one plan. Sweep. Like it was a whole ordeal. And then we'd have to cut all the lights off because at that point the kitchen was now closed. Run the garbage is supposed to wipe down the sink. Yeah. I'm like, dude, you you don't even get the like that was a thing. He wouldn't even get the dishes if they weren't right next to the sink. It's like, I don't see them. I'm like, sir, you're killing me here. Please look around the kitchen and get like the dishes with still be on the stove. And I'm like, how did you find how did how are you done? And then I give little girl like half the job. Like I break up y'all's chores. Y'all don't even, y'all don't even know how good you have it. She's supposed to put the stuff in something smaller. She wipes down the counters. You literally just have to wipe the dishes in the sink and run the back disposal. And it's like, you know, my dishwasher's been broke for a minute, so okay. But then like he'll put the dishes in the dish wrack where you can only get like two in there. I'm like, tetras that shit, Landon. Like my nerves. It could be a whole game. That's the good part, too. We would make up games and stuff. This is forever on dish. I mean, you know that this could fit in here. Two things will get in there. I'm like, I know you are when I come down. Like, you gotta be kidding. It's not that deep, bruh. It's not that deep. Like it had to be uh like a production. So if it was like I'm gonna do the dishes, and it's like, okay, I need for you to go upstairs. I'm gonna be here. Let me get my music and my playlist, which I actually do, I do resonate with that part, but let me get this. And then she would be down there for like an hour. And I'm like, there's like 10 dishes. I don't know what you were doing for that whole hour. And then it would still be stuff on the stove, the counters weren't walked off, wall wiped off, you didn't use it, and we didn't, you know, there was like real brooms back then. You got a little swiffer, that's easy. No, good times. Good times, yeah. They they wouldn't have survived. I wish we had I do wish that we had the kind of parents where like I saw this video yesterday, like it school had just let out, and then it was like the the what do they call it, transitions, and then like they snapped the finger or the beat changed, and then the kids were like with their suitcases at their grandparents' house, like ready for the summer. I wish we had those parents because they needed they need to see, like, oh my god, I miss my mom. I missed my home and how good I have it here. How good thank you responsibility, like did you have it? There I just I don't know. They that wouldn't make it. I remember spending a lot of time at all the puppet's, especially during the summer. Or with Amy. Again, I don't remember anything prior to 14 really. That's a whole other podcast. Um yeah, no. I mean, I remember like very few things. None really involve my parents. Unfortunately. Um love them dearly. I really do. I don't really have a great recollection of them until we move to Umble. Maybe because that was ematic for me, and that's what stuck out, and then I just maybe blocked out. I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know. But you got um yoga, so I do. It has been a pleasure, as always. Thanks for talking out loud with us until next time. Doodles, doodles.