Packing Boxes & Unpacking Beliefs

In this episode, we share a glimpse into Bekah's book, I Thought I Was Fine, and how moving throughout our childhood shaped the way we formed attachments—to people, places, and even our belongings.

We also reflect on the punishments and consequences we experienced growing up and how they've influenced the way we parent today. Along the way, we discuss the importance of understanding Scripture in context, how easy it is to adopt someone else's interpretation as absolute truth, and why questioning what we've always been taught isn't the same as abandoning our faith.

It's a conversation about what we carry with us, what we're choosing to leave behind, and how healing often begins by unpacking both our boxes and our beliefs.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Not live at all. Welcome to talk out loud, good people. We're gonna start with our delicious baby baby tequila, which I had a terrible time putting on Amazon. So go buy the book. Raspberry and gombe. And a splash of club soda. Just uh, you know, for fun. Get a whiff. So then okay. Due to our deck technical difficulties, here we are. So yes. Let us go forth and prosper with our lives. You said you finally combed your hair. Super proud of me for that. I'm rocking the curly, nappy, this is what you get, and you don't pitch a fit. I totally would have still been in the Chaka Gun, you know, vibe. But I went to breakfast with your mother and I just I didn't want to still be in lounge clothes and my hair all over my head or in a bun. So when I saw her, I was like, hey girl, you look cute. She was like, Yeah, so do you. She's like, I I didn't want you to see me in my pajamas anymore. I wanted you to see me in something different. I was like, me too. I don't want to be in leggings, you know. So I decided to dress up. We went out, we had a good time. It's nice to chit-chat when everything isn't like such a negative space of fire.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Mm-hmm. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

Yeah. Just like catch up like we used to and just hang. Like, you know, I don't know. You know, she wants to be girlfriends and that's that about her because that wasn't the mother we grew up with at all. No, it is not. So I'm I'm glad I'm glad that I had like more than just negativity to share. That's that's always nice. So yeah. I just received a phone call from your mother a few moments earlier, and she was letting me know that she finished the book. So I had to remind her, you know, she's you know, proud mommy, and I love that about her. And she wanted to buy copies, and I was like, well, before you do that, I really recommend you read it for yourself. Um, I don't know about anybody else who's listening to this podcast, but they're as an adult, my mom was she knows more about me now because growing up, please tell my mom nothing. What? I my mom found out that I had more than one pregnancy while I was in the hospital having my daughter found out, and what she didn't know is that I had I was pregnant after that as well. And so um it's very interesting um being an author, one one, because um, as I say in the book, I've I've written a lot of things in the past, right? I've done children's church skits and newsletters and articles for magazines and things like that. Um, well, not magazines, I'm not I'm not there yet. I I want to be there, but like with uh clinical NAMI, um, the LPCA. So if you guys want to check those out, I do have articles there. Um super proud of those. And then in the last like 10 years, every or the jobs that I've had, I've created like work newsletters where I'm just basically sharing things that are happening in the hospital, mental health tips, and they go out to um the entire the all employees, basically. So I do enjoy writing. Um, but it's very different when you're actually like talking about yourself. And so this process of writing um is very different. It's easy for me to talk about the news, right? Like, oh, you know, uh mental health week is coming up, or you know, make sure that you are talking out loud about the, you know, like that's easy. But when you're having to do that introspective work and you're actually talking about experiences and stories that you've had, um, I've I've I've said this a couple times, like I've had to get up multiple times from this space and be like, I need a moment, like I need to breathe because that's really hard to either relive or to look back at my life and be like, girl, how's it could you have been? Like the signs were right there in front of your face this whole time, and you just kept doing the same thing, you know, for it. But anyway, so she says that she had to grieve her um the grandchildren that she didn't know, and um I was like, yeah, you you have to sit with that. I mean, I can't imagine being a mother of four. It's hard for me to imagine being the mother of one. So I don't know, mother of four is really hard. And I think that in writing this story as well, I do also recognize that there's probably moments where I've skimmed over things and then like uh, you know, but to anybody else reading or listening to the story, they would be like, I'm sorry, what? Like, what did you go through or what happened? And it's like, well, I'm not in that space anymore. I want to move on. And I get the idea of like, I want to move on, but it's also like, but can we acknowledge that moment for a second before we move on? And I think that's I've actually talked to you about this because you do hearing the story, it's just like and and story both in her 40s, and I'm like, I didn't know that happened. I didn't know this was going on. I I think I was telling you the other day, I was like, I don't what car were you driving at the time? Like, where was I? I was in my own little world. So I don't know. But yeah, writing the book was like, it was really, really good. It was very therapeutic for me, very challenging for me. Um to just kind of, you know, as a therapist, I hear stories all day long. In fact, I enjoy it. I really, really do. I'm like, what? And he said what? And they did what? And girl, you know, I love the tea. But when it's like, oh, but this is like real life, it's like, it's not as entertaining as, you know, I mean, I hope that there's points. I think mom said, like in the beginning of the book, she was laughing. Like she called me in like the first couple chapters. She's like, wait a minute, you know, listening to secular music was like highway rap. Yes, mom, it was, it was like of the devil. There was no fresh prints of Belair and Martin. Who? What? No. But then she was, I think she got to like chapter three, and she was like, I had to put the book down and I had a meltdown and I grieved, and I was like, Welcome to my life. And I think that's something too that we we can kind of talk a lot about, which is creating a space for our kids to feel comfortable enough to come and talk to us. Um, so I'll say from my and you know, even though we grew up together, we had very different recollections of how life was. But I never felt like if I had gotten pregnant at 16 that I would have gone to mom and dad first. Like if, and that didn't happen to either one of us. I'm just saying, like, if it did, who would you have gone to first? Probably a sister. Yeah, I would have to definitely. Um, oh god. That's another thing though. Like when you asked me those questions about like the book, and I'm just like, you'd be like, introspectively. I'm like, bro, I was not thinking. Like I had no second thoughts. It was like, you want to do this? Yes. You want to go live your life. And that is how I lived. The wind blew, I was in it, I was in the clouds. I lived in Canyon Lane like these kids are, you know. I sure did. There were a number of this, and there it is. Very, it was it's very possible that that could have happened to me at 16, and I was not thinking at all. Was not thinking. Never bought a condom in my life.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

Hmm.

SPEAKER_01 8:47

Look, I'm like, Kevin. But it's also just like, I mean, sure, looking back is irresponsible, but like because no one spoke to me about it, and I did not, I was not, you know, on the intrawebs doing research or you know, encyclopedias at the time. That makes me feel really old. Oh, we have them all. Wait, no Google, no yahoo. We had all the encyclopedias. That's hilarious. Where did they go? Y'all? I think they're still around. That's the sad encyclopedias that we had. Like, what did daddy give them away? Just well, that's what we're talking about. We had all these good things. We had the encyclopedias, we had records for days, we had photo albums for days. Guess what, folks? Someone in the Salvation Army has been blessed with our life history because my dad gave the whole what we've called a chiffaro, gave it all away to Salvation Army, and we never saw those memories again. Love you, Daddy. My yearbooks have gone from one of the moves that we did. It was like a fast move, like as I as I was married, one of our moves. And so, like my wedding dress, my letter jacket, my yearbooks, my like whatever, like the senior book, all of it. Just who knows where that is. Not a clue. I couldn't tell you either. That's why I think I just lived everything with mom and dad's. And I think that that, okay, so speaking of like moving and stuff, right? We grew up in the same household in the same environment for 80% of our childhood, I would say that. For me, 100%, because I was 18 when we moved from Friendswood to Umple. And I think that was the moment where I stopped becoming attached to things. And it was just like, whatever. And I think once videos and camera, like digital formatting became a thing, I was like, I'll just take a picture of it. That way I'll always have it in my mind. I'll always have it, and I can move on from it. But even now, from when I moved from Houston to Atlanta, I did take a car full of stuff, you know, like TV, phone, I mean, TV clothes. Um honestly, I think that was really it. Just like TV and and clothes. When I after living in Atlanta for 11 years, you know, you accumulate a lot of life. And when I moved from Atlanta to LA, I took nothing, folks. I took my I packed up my car because my car, I got my car shipped across the country. I packed my car with clothes and my Yetis, oddly enough. Which sounds so stupid me now, but well, they were like uh monogrammed. I mean, yeah. Here's I don't know if y'all can see that. It does say fish or counseling on it. Yes, and this emblem was created by my little sister Tam. Thank you so much for that because I love it. Anywho, yes, you're right. I don't, I don't get it. This is my life on crack, folks. Um, I stopped becoming attached to things, and you know, I'm all about giving it away. So when I moved from Atlanta to LA, I just let everybody come in. And you know, I'm a cooker and an entertainer, so I have lots of gadgets and gadgets. I get that from my grandmother. She loved a good kitchen gadget. And so I'll be like, take it. And everybody was like, oh my God. And it's so funny now because a family member of ours got a lot of this stuff. And so when I visit her house, I'm like, kind of feels like home because my couch, my dining room table, like every my dishes, everything's there. And it's like, oh, it's going to good use because I'm here and folks, I don't even have a skillet. Yeah, I just don't understand. I don't have a toaster, I don't have a crock pot. But again, I'm going from raising a child to like literally, like, I was just talking to you earlier, and I'm like, I'm eating broccoli for dinner.

SPEAKER_00 13:15

That's good too.

SPEAKER_01 13:16

That's good, but broccoli is from the air fryer. Me and the air fryer go hard.

SPEAKER_00 13:20

We're being offensive.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

I mean, maybe like the instant pot, but even then, like, I don't use it as much as I used to because yeah, they're older. Nobody's, and then you know, all of a sudden they don't like soup. Like, excuse me. I I don't know. Tatum doesn't like spaghetti anymore. I'm like, you literally ate that every week. I'll do like taco realize I don't like tacos. Who are you? I don't know. That's all I mean. Hello, we're from Texas. Everything is Tex Mex. Everything is a taco. Breakfast, taco, lunch, taco, dinner taco. You can make everything a taco. She likes quesadillas. Not exactly. Um, and then if we go to like LA for breakfast, she'll get like the chicken biscuit she doesn't want. And then she doesn't like biscuits, she likes the English muffin. But then if I make biscuits, just biscuits here, she'll eat biscuits. But it can't be on a sandwich. It has to be English muffin. And then it can't be H E B brand. It's gotta be like Thomas or whoever the hell he is. I'm just like, I can't wait for y'all and have all the things that you wanted here. Where did look, I'm like, where did we go rank? Um, I don't recall. She was like, it's too many marshmallows in this one. Who complains about marshmallows? That's what you want from the lucky arms. I don't know. Yes. Although now I've I was at the store earlier talking about where the cracklin oak brand. No, it's such a California? Y'all don't y'all already don't have bluebell. Yeah. I mean we well, we eat creamy creations, which is HVV, and it's cheaper. And according to mom, it doesn't make our stomach hurt. So on the cove here, we have creamy creations. Again, why I can never move away from Texas because there's no HV. I'm sorry. Ralph's, whatever the hell it's called? No. What is that? Publix? Please. It is a version. First of all, first of all, what you're not gonna do is talk about publics. That's what you're not gonna do. Ralph's is for the birds, 100%. It is California's version of Kroger. I don't even go to Kroger. And there it is. We're from Texas, folks. We do H E B. Here, everything is better. H E B. I do miss it. I do miss it. And I think this last trip home for graduation was like the first time I think that I've been home in a long time that I didn't go to HEV because every time I go, I'm like, we're going to H E B. Oh no, no, we did. That's right, we did. I don't, yeah, I don't think there's a time that I've gone back home that I haven't just just to walk in, just to be like, oh snow. I missed it, I missed H E B. And I used to, you know, that was one of my first jobs too, was at HEB. H E B don't come for me because I absolutely did things I might not do, but been delivered. I've moved on, I've grown and matured. Mm-mm. Broke a lot of first job, which is why I was never sent foot in there. That was a mom thing. Like she never wanted to go back to CBS. I don't know. I kind of took that on. I mean, I'm sure she goes in there now, but like after she retires, she's like, I'm never going, never walk into a CBS. And for me, I'm like, I never walk into Kroger. I think I've been in there like twice, maybe. And I will happily walk into an H E B any day of the week. Because I'm like, man, the H E B from 1999 and the H E B of 2026, it's fantastic. Completely different. Fantastic. Who doesn't love H E B though? Like, who doesn't love H E B? You know, I just It's the meal deal for me. It's the meal deal. As a single parent, if I can buy the meat and get like if I could buy the fajita meat and get the tortilla, the salsa, the cheese, the sour cream for free, you won me. You won me and you just saved my entire life because all I had was 10 bucks and the meat is 10 bucks and I got everything for free. That'll last us at least three days. That's not mom math. Can we talk about my math for a second? You know how people talk about girl math. Yes, girl math, or someone was talking about like airport math or something like that, when it's like this time, so I'm trying to backtrack and see what time I need to get up. Single mom math. Single mom math is I got ten dollars until Friday. It's Tuesday. How are we gonna make it to Friday? Easy. If I go to HEB and I get this meal deal, I can have the salad one day, add a little taco meat to it, that's one meal. Then I could take that same taco meat, and we can have tacos, then I could put it as you know, we we start with our mom or our single mom math to make it to Friday until we get paid. And it's like, okay. And then on Friday, I'd be like, McDonald's? Yes. Thank you. Give me something to look forward to. Chick-fil-A. Come on, Chick-fil-A. So funny because my kid is the Chick-fil-A, I even I am a Chick-fil-A now, uh Chick-fil-A fan now, but I wasn't really a huge Chick-fil-A fan when she was growing up. I don't either. I don't I'm trying to think, like, was it was it?

SPEAKER_00 18:45

They were expensive.

SPEAKER_01 18:48

Like McDonald's, a little happy meal, a little, you know, a dollar burger here or there. That was more along my financial budget. But Chick-fil-A was just very expensive. Um, you know, people have apps now and they have points, and the more you go there, you get free stuff. Because trust me when I say, even now, it's nice when I'll pull up to Chick-fil-A and be like, do I get free mac and cheese? Yes. Because I have an app and I have all these points. Or um, I'll I remember when I was working and um I would buy like Chick-fil-A for the team, but I would buy it from the app. And so I would have like thousands of points because people was spending money buying the team, you know, Chick-fil-A, even though I would get refunded from the job, but it was still under my account. Yeah, a little zoom I'm after. And um, so yeah, so when I left, I was like, oh, I can get like full meals, and I was getting 30-count nuggets, and I was getting all kinds of stuff. It's like, well, this is great, you know. What did the kids really eat? I mean, Sonic, we were like big on Sonic, I think, because like the conies or corndogs. Um well for me, like taco, not talking about Jack in the Box, because it was in the same parking lot with Kroger. Not the Atlantic in the box. If they did, it it had to have been too far away, but I don't think there was. But there is a jack in the box here. And I've had that ultimate cheeseburger, and when I tell you I was catapulted back to 1998, I was the sourdough jack for me. Curly fries, curly fries, yes, and not everybody has curly fries. Why? I don't know. Arby's they're not bad, but nobody has armies over here. Nobody has armies, yeah. Nobody really has armies. Anyway, but yeah, sorry. I don't know how I got off on that tangent, but not being attached to things for sure. Um I didn't get attached because well, one, I just didn't care enough. Again, Larry Belho. Uh you there was not a lot you could do to really punish me because I just didn't care. Um I don't know. I think I was like that too with like my grandmother, too. She would hate when I would come over. I'd be like, let's clean up. She'd be like, no. And I'd be like, come on, Donna. She's like, no, I don't want you to help me clean up. And I'd be like, why not? She's like, because you're just gonna throw everything away. And I was like, well, why are you keeping this newspaper from 1930? You don't need it. And she has a good excuse for everything. Well, I have this recipe. I was like, then let's cut that recipe out and throw the rest of the paper away.

SPEAKER_00 21:44

Mm-mm.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

We we got in a lot of well, she said she would be fussing out of love. I called it fighting. But you know, in olden people days, fighting was like fist fighting, and so she would never agree to that. She'd be like, she was. She'd be like, no, I'm just talking to you. I was like, no, you're not talking, you're fussing at me. She's like, okay, well, I'm fussing out of love. It doesn't feel like love. Or or I I do love her joining. But I would walk in the house and she'd be like, oh, you fat. I'll be like, thanks, Dallin. Let you. And she'd like, well, I mean, do you want me to tell, you know, do you not want me to talk to you at all? It's like this or that. The extremes. You see? I see rare. Certain people get that off. Yes. It's all or nothing. Either I could say what I want to say or I'm not going to say anything at all.

SPEAKER_00 22:39

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 22:40

There's a middle. You miss her. Rest in peace, Granny, because I do love you. There's a middle. I think like for us, it was just more even when I moved back with my kids, it was like, oh, you didn't do what I what I wanted you to do, so I'm gonna take it away. So there's just no attachment because it's just gonna get taken away if we do something wrong. That's a good it is. That's good advice. Like they put they put like a food wrapper in the trash, and now we the next day the trash can's not in our room anymore. We got it taken away. At our big game. So I was like, okay. And then she would just be like, Well, I took the trash can stay to Okay. I'm not gonna crack me the punishment because you did something I didn't want you to do, I'm gonna take it away. So why be attached to anything? And then like try and explain that to your kids and be like, Well, isn't it supposed to go in the trash? It was trash. I'm like, oh god, I think my thing says you don't get it. You don't get it. Are you still there? Okay, you are. It's like oh, it says it's trying to reconnect. I I feel you on that, and I think that's another reason why, since we're like comparing, you know, I think that's why I was so adamant on trying to make my child's life as stable as possible. Because you're right, so many things, even though we we grew up in the same church, same school, same house, privileges and opportunities were taken away as consequences for whatever we did outside of the character that was portrayed for us, and so you're right. It's like, well, then why be attached to it? No, I would very much like just what me go on with my day. Very much so. You were like that, like don't even give me a sermon. Please don't speak to me. Please, please are thinking more than it could seem to be. Okay, but do you think differently now? So back in the day when mom and dad would be like, well, this this whooping beating hurt us more than it hurt you, whatever. Do you feel like now as a parent, would it hurt you more than it would hurt your child to whoop them? I mean, they're so old. I don't it's hard not now like even when they're like growing up. Like, you know, we're talking about six, seven, four, five, six, seven, eight, somewhere on there. No, but I also didn't beat, like, it was their dad. So it wasn't. This is true. That's true. I don't know. I mean, if you ask my oldest, you know, he would say he was all he was also abused. He'll tell you. You know, so I'm sure you and but he has a very different story than his siblings. So Yeah, it is. And I do think he got he got the also warranted some type of punishment. Was it extreme at times? Maybe. Maybe. Um, did it change his behavior? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. He would cry before you got to the belt and tell you everything he should have done perfectly, and then he'd get punished, he did sit in his room. That that was the sad part. So, I mean, I guess that kind of answers your question. Like, it did hurt me, yeah. Like to see him punished, but I'm just like, why can't you just worry and go to the school the next day and do exactly the same thing? And I'm like, I don't even want to pick you up because I don't want to hear let me tell you what he did today. Uh can we just can you just tell his dad? Can he write it down? I'm like, oh, don't tell him it's gonna be worse. And just yeah, I would say it was it was hard to punish because it's just you just kind of run out of options, like, okay, I don't know how to help you. Like, what's wrong? What's going on? Why can't you be there? But you know, we didn't know anything about behavioral. Well, I didn't know anything about behavioral health or nothing. Super hand too. I agree with you on that. I think that working with kids in the mental health field definitely was eye-opening for me anyway, which meant I think my kid got not I think, let me be honest with myself, she got away with a lot of things that she shouldn't have gotten away with because I was constantly taking on the stories of the kids that I encountered and just didn't want, you know, it was like whatever the kids that I was treating were dealing with. I wanted to make sure my kid didn't have to deal with that. So I think she got away with murder because I just, you know, the last time I think I actually like spanked her, and not like, you know, I'm not like a huge, I'm not huge on physical punishment anyway. So I mean, my spanking would be like, you know, the tap tap on the hand or the tap tap on the butt. Like it wasn't like I'm getting a belt and I'm beating you, you know, lickity lickety lick. And you know, when we were growing up, we got like a lick per word. Ah, doe you, no, and it's like, no, I I definitely didn't want that for my daughter. But um, but yeah, I the I remember the last time I I went to spank her and the look of fear in her face. I know fear is an accurate word, but she like looked up at me and just the look in her face, and I was like, Oh, I would never do that again. But that's when, like you said, you have to start being creative at that point, be like, okay, if physical punishment is out of the question, because the kids nowadays are extremely savvy, so hit me if you want to. It's gonna be on social media, the government's gonna come and pick you up from your job and embarrass you, you're gonna lose your job. Like, it's almost like hit me, hit me. I want you to. Whereas back in the day, nobody like I'd rather I'd rather you hit me than to hear this same story for the 20th time again. And then the way our dad would discipline us, it would be like uh a Bible study, then the then the beating, and then another Bible study. You're right, skip the Bible study, just hit me so that I can go to my room and you know start my healing. Like I can't start my healing if I have to. Uh it was like we were in school, and be like, obedience is better than just sit there. Like you have to like answer the questions as he's and it's like this whole time, it's like, but you're about to hit me. You're about to cause my body physical harm, but you want me to answer your questions? Or say, um, we are sisters, we love each other. I'm sorry, what? Well, it was you know, it's scripture to beat us, according to them. It was, you know, spare the rod, spare the rod, spoil the child. So, you know, I don't know that they read any other part of that scripture, but what's the context? What's the context? Yeah, just well, I was telling did we talk about Old Testament, New Testament, what I was telling about Habakkuk 2, too, or I think it's oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So like write it down and make it plain or whatever. Paraphrasing, guys. Um, but yeah, I was like, I read the whole chapter and I'm like, I don't know that I don't know that like who took just verse two and said, like, write down what you want in the husband, and then that's what you'll get, because that's not what Habakkuk was talking about. But hey, I'll do it. Is that not crazy? Because that still happens in real life today. Someone will take a half a thing of what you've said and run with it, and it'd be like, but you forgot the beginning and the end of what I've said. You only took those two words that I said and you ran with it. And it's like, well, let's let's remind ourselves of the context. What's happening at this point that made us get to this? Girl, she must take the whole wheel. Yeah, because no, there has to be a mosquito in here because it is eating. Me alive. Um Z interesting. Is that the things in the wall? Yes. I feel like I have them. I just need to replace the I have something that goes in the wall. Yes. So when the I think thank you to my sister and brother, because I think they're the ones. I think he's the one who had that. But when I first moved here, I promise you, I was doing this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, this is ridiculous. I was calling the front office like every couple of days. I was like, I should I when I would drink something, I would have, yo, this is how I would have to drink. Like you had a picnic out there, and then if I I couldn't like fix a drink, like fix my wines, you know, my wine girl, leave and come back, because then there would be like floating bugs in my thing. So then I got Zebo. See, this is why I shipped Zebo. And um the little contraptions, like in a couple of days, would be full. And then I would be like, um, front office is this normal for California? Because I mean I'm new. Is this like a thing? I moved in December. You know, in my mind, it's cold outside. We don't really get a lot of bubbles. No, no. She's like, oh, maybe it's in the drain. Well, thankfully, social media was like, oh, put boiling water down the drain, all this or stuff. So I've been doing pretty good. I'm two years in, almost two years, right? Two years up in here. It's pretty fine. And then today I saw one and almost had a almost had a fit.

SPEAKER_00 32:25

No.

SPEAKER_01 32:25

And we had like a like time where the gnats were really bad and it didn't matter if you had anything. I've tried so many remedies. It was stupid. And then I ended up getting those things. And then I think the I think just the season went away for it. Yeah. Houston has those flying roaches. Okay, do it. Is there like a Zevo that will hit the oh my god, I remember this girl. Um, my girl's her name, Danielle from Living Stones. I remember she was telling us a story about how she was asleep one night and she felt something and she just grabbed it and chunked it while she was asleep. And she was like, when I woke up, it was like the butt. I was like, girl, I will never forget that story because I was traumatized for life. And I was like, mm-mm. Nope. Sorry, Danielle, because I think I do follow you still on Facebook. That's nice to see you. But I do remember that story. Never forget it. I think that's our time, folks. Dang, 30 minutes go by pretty quick. It does. We will see you in the next episode. I feel like that's as long, and it is in the next episode. Like that's something's always a song, but yes. Yes, hello. That's how we get through life. We've got to be the next episode.