Who Told You 18 Meant Freedom?

Do kids really think parents magically exist to solve every problem?

In this episode, we unpack the expectations our kids have of us, what they think happens when they turn 18, and why advice from parents often goes in one ear and out the other. We compare our own teenage years to theirs, laugh about the lessons we had to learn the hard way, and ask the question every parent eventually asks:

Did we really listen to our parents any better?

From growing into adulthood to preparing our kids for independence, this conversation is full of laughs, honest reflection, and reminders that sometimes experience really is the best teacher.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:01

Hello everyone and welcome to Talk Out Loud. Okay, you and this microphone. It's giving AMR. But it'll pink. No, it is good. It's cute. I feel like I need to get knife. No, I'm not sure. Well, what do we drink out loud, folks?

SPEAKER_01 0:27

We clearly have a lot to talk out loud. I am not drinking wine this week, folks. I'm actually drinking Stella Rosa, honey peach brandy, and delish.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Sounds like sugar and little sweet tea. So all I hear is like the sugar being poured in something. Anywho, I'm in a secret location.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

So unfortunately, I do not have alcohol time at work. Um I don't drink soda, but I for some reason today I got a soda, so I'm drinking Dr. Pepper and Forge.

SPEAKER_03 1:06

So clink clink. It's real depressing. Cheers! Yes, folks. Definitely going home and we have a lot of things to unpack today.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

So we may be allowed to do this because that's what we do. But I would like to start out with this question, and I will pose this to Lady T.

SPEAKER_03 1:38

Why do you think parents are here on the earth?

SPEAKER_01 1:45

Like, why are their parents?

SPEAKER_03 1:49

I mean it's like we've okay, so I'm raising teenagers.

SPEAKER_01 1:55

And I'll just leave it at the teenagers right now. I'm not gonna talk about the the 21-year-old, but I have two teenagers at home, almost 15 and 18. And this the 17 is very much in this mode of, but I'm almost 18 and I want to strangle because I just I like I responded back the other day and I was like, please write me an essay on what you think is gonna happen to you when you turn 18. I'm excited to hear how great your life is gonna be, because honey, it's not. And I'm I don't mean that in a negative way to tell him, like, oh, it's gonna be, you know, terrible, but like you have a rude awakening. Turning 18, sure, it's gonna be joyous and exciting, but like once responsibility hits you in that throat, you're not gonna be having so much fun. Like, I don't know what you think turning 18 is gonna be. I've asked them before, like, where do you think you're gonna live? Or like, how do you think you're gonna live independently? Like at 18. I I just I don't think they think all the way through.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

They're just like, oh, I must turn 18 and like party time. No, it's the worst.

SPEAKER_03 3:03

And I should know because I got married at 18. I had a car, an apartment, and you did.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

What I mean, like, what is this expectation for when you turn 18? Like just dialing it back one more. Because I feel like the way we were raised, if you want to be 18 and grown, then you could do that out of this house. And when you leave this house, that means you are responsible for all readings and all bills. But I feel like this generation that we're raising is like that. Yeah, I don't I don't know. I mean, because the other one that's that's been out of my house for years still thinks like I mean, it's it's a different, it's every kid is different.

SPEAKER_00 3:54

With that one, he feels he's never really treated us like he had parents, he's always acted like he was doing his own show.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

You got it, and eventually you get tired, and and you do, like I've been telling you and and other people, like your their decisions do not are not always reflective of you. Like you're you're making your own choices. I'm not a bad parent. Now, have I made some not so great decisions? Sure, but that is parenting. Just like you're living your childhood and making mistakes, I'm doing the same. But sometimes these these decisions and the consequences that are happening to you, that's not a reflection of me. I didn't tell you to go do that. I didn't say, I didn't say do X, Y, Z. You did it. And this is what's happening afterwards. Am I going to be here? Sure. But like, how long are we extending this? Like, hey, I'm gonna pick you up when you're purposely continuously doing the wrong thing that's getting you in these terrible situations. And it's like for that one in particular, yeah, it's I it is extremely hard to watch. I mean, I may seem stoic because inside I'm tired. Yeah, um, but literally tried everything. And so it's just like, oh, now you want a parent, now you're accepting parents. That's interesting. But it's like you can't just pick pick us up and choose, like, okay, I need my mom now. Well, I tried to tell you before you got there, and you constantly want to do your own thing. And now that you still haven't really helped hit rock bottom, honestly. You still have somewhere to go. But now it's like, oh, but you're my mom and you're supposed to do this, and you're supposed to, you're not concerned about where I lay my head. I was. That's why I put you over here, and you messed that up and got away from there. And now you're over here, and I'm supposed to like run to your rescue again. I need to make a sign.

SPEAKER_03 5:47

Your emergency is not my yeah, I'm not in a state of emergency, and you're not gonna put me in one. But anyway, the teenagers. Yeah, it's interesting.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

Protecting each other. That's still they're still going through their things and they're still like learning and feeling themselves, and I get that. Um, I can give a little grace there, but I'm I'm absolutely gonna give you that verbiage too. Like, okay, let's let's see what you think is going to happen to you at 18. I mean, you just now got a job, you don't even work every day, and you're already trying to pull, oh, well, I wasn't here. Well, I had to work. Sweetie, what do you think I've been doing your whole life? Working and working in and out of the house, inside, outside, inside, outside. We were gonna like I just I don't I don't understand. I wish that I had that luxury to just be like, oh, I went to work today, guys. I'm I'm not doing anything else.

SPEAKER_03 6:41

I've stepped foot in the house. No, and you don't even work like all day.

SPEAKER_01 6:47

Y'all need to do everything else.

SPEAKER_03 6:51

Yeah, it's a it's a little annoying.

SPEAKER_01 6:53

And then I have that's how the men were back in the day, too.

unknown 6:58

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:59

We're very much like, well, I went to work today. So you need to cook, clean, take care of the kids, pay all the bills because I went to work.

SPEAKER_03 7:08

It's interesting. What? Yeah, I mean, I don't know what that transition was. You want a gold star? Yes. Gold star for me, I guess. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

I do feel like I didn't want like there was definitely like this nostalgia, right? Growing up. I mean, again, I graduated in 1999. Yep. So I definitely feel like there was this idea of get away from the parents. Because it was get away from the rules, get away from the oppression, get away from like, you know, just running towards freedom, freedom to go and be and do what I wanted to do, not realizing that there really is no freedom because you still have responsibilities. But as an 18-year-old, don't nobody cared about them responsibilities. I only cared about the freedom and the partying. That's what I wanted to do. And I did a lot of it at that age. So I will say that. But when I had a kid, I felt like, you know, I wasn't really ready to leave, probably at 18 because I wasn't educated enough, or I wasn't educated in that way. I feel like we got a lot of education in like Christianity, you know, the church and the Lord, go to school, sure. But when it's like comes to real life things like dating and sex and finances, there was really no education there. And I feel like, yes, I would have been fine in a Christian environment. I would have been fine in a school environment, but anything outside of those environments, I was ill-equipped. And so for my kid, we had a lot of like real conversations, you know, real things. I tried to tell my kid about wearing a tampon. And my friend's daughter had like already told her she was like, Well, I wanted to go swimming and I was in my period, so she just told me how to put in a and I'm like, Oh, you know, like I didn't get a chance to teach you that because I was like, My mother would never I mean, if we used a tampon them and we were having sex, like, what are you doing? So I mean I felt like with her, I knew she wasn't gonna be ready. Yeah. Because there's just there's only so much, and I do feel like that junior and senior year, I felt like I definitely tried to do more educating because I'm like, I'm prepping you, I'm prepping you, I'm prepping you. Like, um, I made my daughter cook one night a week, like for her life, you know, kind of thing. And she would do these little like air fryer things. And I was like, how did that turn out? Okay, that's good. You can use that in your college dorm. Like, I'm trying to give you little things. I was like, because the cafeteria commons area, whatever is not gonna always be open. You may get hungry, you wanna whoop something up. Here's some things that you can kind of put together, you know, just trying to be resourceful, like budgeting and money, those are things that we had to have conversations about. Like, okay, I'm gonna give you an allowance and I'm gonna buy groceries for the week. Don't call me on Wednesday talking about can you have money for Chick-fil-A? Because the answer is gonna be no. You either need to budget the allowance that I've given you, or you need to ask for what are those chicken nuggets that are like Chick-fil-A? Just bear. Get us some just bear, you know, whatever. It's not sponsored, but you know what I mean. Like I'm trying to find ways to educate you to prep you to be on your own. But I mean, she's almost 20, and I still pay like three of her bills. So I mean, I'm not perfect either. I'm just saying, why do kids think that we are here? Like, why are parents put in this earth to uh because I'm not your slave? That's one. I'm not your bank. I think those are the two big ones for me. Like, I don't work for you. But I do, oh, I'm not the taxi. Do I pick you up for things? Yes. The chomper, yes. And then, like, why am I the volunteer for like all children that are around everything? Right. And for me, I'd always be like, I'm one person. Where are the children with two parents? Neat none of them, none of them are available. I just like I'm like, I have to take them home and pick them up. Nobody's gonna help me at all. I yeah, that's frustrating sometimes. I mean, but yes, I do like knowing where my kid is, just like you said. Like, I like knowing where they are, who they're with. Okay, you want me to to drive? Fine. But now it's like, y'all want to go out late? Oh, you're going further than 10 minutes away. Can we not include me? Um, and then now that he can drive, it's like, okay, yes. But then it's the struggle of like coming back in the house. And he tried, he tried that the other day. Like, well, when you were, I said, Oh, got you there. I didn't go out, sir. I went to sleep. I was I was sneaking people in, not out. Okay. So I was in indoors. Okay. It's not better. So I was like, I I can't help you.

SPEAKER_00 12:30

Like, I didn't, I don't think I even had a curfew because I didn't go nowhere.

SPEAKER_01 12:35

Like, I don't know. But it's just this is my first go round of a curfew. Where was I going?

SPEAKER_03 12:44

That I needed a curfew. I went to work and they were checking up on me there, and I was not in curfew.

unknown 12:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:53

Wow, yeah, I didn't think about that.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

My kids was midnight. If you're not in this house by midnight, stay where you at. Because I'm trying to go to bed and I can't close my eyes unless I know that you're in a safe place. Either in this house or wherever you are staying. But this is another this is another question of what do you think we're here for? Because my again, the 17-year-old is like, well, you can go to sleep.

SPEAKER_00 13:19

Well, set the alarm. I can turn it off when I get home. Oh, well, cut the lights off. I don't need him. I need you to not figure out a solution right now. I need you to get home.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

It's like always just he's so nonchalant. I'm like, I'm not telling you so that you can work your way around it. I'm telling you, thinking is helping you like understand where I'm coming from. But no, all you hear is, okay, let me fix that. Oh, just turn the lights off. Well, go ahead and set the alarm. You don't have to stay up. Yes, I do. Okay. It's like they don't know. What's gonna happen? Right. And then he'll find his way around, like, oh, well, I wasn't with you. Yeah. So I can go over here because I wasn't with you. I wasn't like under your care, I guess. I'm like, sir, just because you stepped outside of this house and you're like supposedly at another friend's house, he thinks, like, oh, it's their responsibility. Like, I'm I'm with them, I'm not with you. So like I can just go and do what I want. False. You've lost it. Because like he'll say he's gonna stay over there, and I'll be like, okay, great. And then I'll set the alarm. I'll set the alarm. I'll turn the lights off. And then they decide to go to the gym at midnight. And then when he goes to the gym, then then they go to Waffle House, it's 1 a.m. Then they go to Waffle House and he decides, oh, don't be alarmed. I'm coming home. 1:30. I'm like, why are you here after curfew? Well, I wasn't with you. So, like, all of a sudden your curfew has magically went away. Try again. Try again. Give me something better. That's why I've constantly been like, okay, y'all think the toddler stage is bad? Please. Please. Wait till they have their toe-to-toe with you.

SPEAKER_03 15:00

I didn't get a toddler. Well, mine was jumping off changing tape. And your kids are very good. I won't have to talk. They're very chatty. They're very quick-witted. They have a comeback for everything. I don't know what the word is. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:24

They're very sharp. It's like I could say something, and before I finish my sentence, you've already created the rebuttal to what I've just like, I can I finish what I want to say before you've rebutted it already. I ain't nobody got time for that. You're right. I'd be it too. I'd be like, and these are the moments where I get a little sad because those are the moments where I want to be like, go ask your dad. Because it's just like, can I tag team or tap out? Can I tap out? Somebody else tap in and be like, I said no. Move on. And I've had friends, thankfully, in my life, and even like brother-in-laws that have been supportive when um things like that have happened. So I'll tell this one quick story. So my kiddo was like three or four. I mean, super, super young, very, very long time ago. But I was exhausted. The separation and divorce was new. And I was asking her to like clean up. I was at my sister's house, was asking her to clean up, and she just was fally rolling fiddly dee, fiddly fattle foodle, and was not paying attention. And my brother-in-law, all he did was say her name. She bawled, y'all. Like just fell out on the floor. Oh, you know, like, and I was like, he didn't even, all he said was your name. And that was enough for you to be convicted to be like, okay, let me get up and do it. But I could sit here on the couch, scream, holler, yell, threaten, all of these things, and you're not taking me seriously at all. He says your name, and it's the girl. I mean, she still remembers this. And I'm like, it's it wasn't even that. All I wanted you to do was take off that stupid princess in the frog dress and go put it up because it was time to leave. So these are the moments where it's like, can we can I tap out? Yeah, I definitely can someone else tap in. Can someone else take you? Can someone else paper this?

SPEAKER_00 17:27

Can someone else like say the things that I'm saying in a different face so that you can do it? It's super frustrating sometimes.

SPEAKER_03 17:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:36

The same thing.

SPEAKER_03 17:38

And it's like even with the cooking too. Sorry, go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

No, I was just saying, like the same, the same things that I say, somebody else, or like even with cooking, like they'll eat something at someone else's house, and I'm like, I thought you didn't like that. Like when I don't cook, y'all are hungry. And then when I cook, like, I don't like that.

SPEAKER_03 18:01

I'm just like, I can't win here. I can't win here. I'm just gonna cook for me.

SPEAKER_01 18:06

Get it, get, get what you can. Right. And that was right. This was around that age that I stopped doing that too. I'm done cooking because I'm the only one eating it. And y'all can cook. And you still want McDonald's or Subway. Yep. Fully capable of cooking.

SPEAKER_03 18:22

Well, it's only $6.99. Well, not when I get drink.

SPEAKER_01 18:28

Oh, yeah. And everything's got to be super sized when it's my money. But when it's your money, you want like the kids' meal. Oh, now you remember you're a kid. That's so she sure did upgrade to that one. I feel like at Chick-fil-A, I I do the kids' meal right now. Yep. It's the perfect size. I get the meal, fries, the drink, and a freaking dessert and be full. But y'all want the deluxe burger super size with fries on the man. You want a drink and a shake?

SPEAKER_03 18:57

I was gonna say the other thing that frustrates you.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

It's too much. Have a boy. Have a boy. The other thing that frustrates me. I can't. I'm lost. I'm lost on boys. I can't do it. I'm too mushy. I'm too. Oh my god, are they eating? Are they sleeping? Are they doing all these things? Whereas if it was a girl like mine, I'm like, get up, get your big girl panties on. We've got this. We've got to move on. I just feel like I'm way tougher on her than I am on my nephews because my nephews are just so cute. So it's just like, whatever you want.

SPEAKER_03 19:31

Okay. You can have it.

unknown 19:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:38

Anywho. My line turned off.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

Um, I was gonna say that something else that frustrates me about like this age group anyway, is that I find out that when they're at other people's houses, they're so like respectful. Or like when I'm around my kids' friends, parents, or something like that, just oh, she's excellent or she's wonderful, or she was doing our dishes, and I'm like, I'm sorry, hold on. What? Exactly. Because she won't do dishes at my house, but she's gonna go over to your house and do dishes and sweep them off your floor. Like, who are we talking about? How is it that you're able to do all those things outside of the house, but you can't do it inside of the house? Like, I just feel like yo, we're a team, I thought, you know, like we're family, we're on the same team here, and I feel like we're working against each other. Like, I'm a single parent, I've never been a single parent before. This is my first time doing stuff like this. I'm learning too, but why are you working against me? Yeah, how can we all just get along?

SPEAKER_03 20:39

Because it's like it's I'm trying to keep the house.

SPEAKER_01 20:45

Always good reviews, always good raves, and I'm just like oh, she's welcome anytime.

SPEAKER_00 20:50

Like, she's so great. And I'm like, did you see her at all? Because like I don't see her much. She's in a room, and I'm just like, because I never do. Maybe that's why she's so great. But I mean, I don't know. I guess that I guess that's a good thing. Like they're good when they're away from us.

SPEAKER_03 21:08

But yeah, why can't I get the same energy?

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Right. And I feel like when we as parents, okay, so I'll make this general and then I'll make it specific. But as parents, I remember when our parents would give me advice, I'd be like, Well, you're old, you don't know what you're talking about, right? Same. But with my kid, I'm like, oh no, no, I've already made that mistake. I've made that mistake. Let me tell you about it so you don't have to again. But it's like, nope, my kid is very much one that's like, you said the stove is hot, but I need to see it for myself. And it's like, okay, okay. And then you go over there, you test it, and you're like, oh, it's hot. And I'm sitting there like, I I told you that. Why do you listen to me? Why do you have to go test it? Why do we have to fight or argue about everything? If I'm telling you don't go over there because it's not a good crew, I'm I'm being I'm telling you this for a reason. But it's like, why is it so bad that I'm right as a parent? Why is that so bad? It's it's why don't you want me to be right? Why is it that if I say one thing and say this these are the moments where you want like something bad to happen to them? So they you can be like, oh, you finally get it. Like I don't, but it's like, oh my god, I'm tired of telling you this. Like every time I try to give an analogy to the to the 17-year-old, and he's like, but we didn't. Like just today, um, he's like, but we didn't get pulled over. I said, You're not listening. Like, if you did, these things that you're doing are not okay. And you can't be telling the the cop, like, oh, I don't know who had it. It doesn't matter. Like, I need you to pay attention to who's in my car, what they're doing in my car, or you won't be in my car. Is that clear? But it's just like, no, all he hears is all he hears is, but what you're saying didn't happen, so I can't, I can't even like envision it. And I'm like, you've gotta be kidding.

SPEAKER_03 23:15

Like, you've gotta be kidding. Nothing, no example like it.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

I mean, but that's what I'm saying, like I can't say that I'm better as a child, like that I did that as a child. I just don't feel like we were given those kind of talks anyway. So there wasn't anything for me to just I mean, if I was rebelling against God, it wasn't necessarily against like parents, you know, like if I'm gonna drink, if I'm gonna smoke, if I'm gonna go clubbing, that's against the Lord, not against like my parents. But our kids, because our kids are literally like maybe a year apart, if that they they feel like they know everything. And if they do something once and don't get caught, then it's like, well, then I can do it again because I didn't get caught. And I watch way too much crime TV, 48 hours documentaries of these same type of kids, the same age, that think that they are invincible and they're dead. And now I'm not saying live in fear, I'm saying live with caution, live with awareness. Self-awareness is huge for me, and I realize that America lacks in self-awareness, i.e. California, but you know, I'm just gonna throw that out there as well. It's like when they drive, they drive like they are the only people in the world. No need to pay attention to anything or anybody because I'm the only person on the road. I could drive in the middle of the road, I could be on my phone. It's like self-awareness. And my other part, sorry, just my other little caveat to that is that it's not always you that I'm worried about as my child. I'm worried about everybody else around you. So, yes, you could drive very well, music down, hands on ten and two, no problem. But that next kid who isn't self-aware, isn't it hit you, you go over the overpass, and now we're at your funeral.

SPEAKER_03 25:22

So let's be a little more self-aware.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

Not really, just self-aware. But again, with the examples, like I'll give some and like saying, you know, look after everybody else on the road, or oh, at this hour, you know, there's more drunk drivers. Because like when I say that, he'll be like, Well, I could, you know, I could get in an accident at 2 p.m. I said, and you're absolutely right, but there's more of a danger in the nighttime.

SPEAKER_00 25:48

And then I and then I go into the drunk drivers and I'm like, and the drunk driver usually always lives, and it's just like it just goes like way over his head, and he's just not listening. Well, I'm just going right here. You're just going across the street, sweetie. You could something could happen at the stop line even at the neighborhood.

SPEAKER_03 26:06

Like, who cares if you're going across the street? I'm like, it's one, it's one o'clock. No, stay home, keep your money home. I don't like you said, if boys is you're already targeted. So yeah, like why are you out at this time?

unknown 26:23

No.

SPEAKER_03 26:24

I don't care if you came from the gym. Yeah. It don't matter. Why are you out?

SPEAKER_01 26:29

Is this your car? Like I'm a cop and I see a car full of teenage boys at 1 a.m. I'm I'm pulling them over. Where are y'all going? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 26:40

Let me smell something in your breath. Yeah. Well, maybe that's why I got it make me a cop, but I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 26:50

I just feel like there's so much opportunity to really invest in the kids of this generation and teaching them to be self-aware and teaching them to be cautious and educating them on what real life is like. Because in their minds, real life is my parents pay all my bills and I'm gonna be insta famous. And it's like, yeah, but that's not that's not reality. Yeah, you need something to fall back on and you need to be self-aware and have multiple streams of like things going on, you know. Sometimes it's not just I'm gonna go to school and I'm gonna do this one thing for the rest of my life, because that's not even a thing anymore either. I think we were talking about that before. Like our parents um retired from jobs that they worked 20, 30, something years on. Whereas these people nowadays, it's around their 40s that they're like changing careers. And you're like, yeah, what? Like you can do that at 40, you can change your career from what you've done 20 something years to now doing something completely different and being happy, yeah, or starting happy. Being like, I've been at the same job for 20 years and I hate it, and counting down the days, right? Anyway, yeah. Well, I guess I can end the episode on a light note, which is sorry, there's a little mosquito around here. Um, ending on a light note, um, Tamara made a comment, what was it for? Fourth of July. Um, are people really into fireworks still? Oh my god. I yes, I did say that because I was like, if I just kept seeing the thing of like 250th birthday or whatever the whatever it was. And I was like, so 250 years, like we're still excited about fireworks, like we haven't been doing this for now. Mind you, I don't know if fireworks was around 250 years ago. I don't, but in that moment, I was like, why are we still getting fireworks? I mean, I get people are having children, those new children may be excited for the fireworks, but it's like I just I don't I don't see the point. I mean, of course, mine are older, they're not even at home, like they're doing their own thing, but like I don't know. Like they all look the same. I think even like seeing people's social media, like they're even saying, like, don't post the same video, like we're all watching fireworks, don't keep posting the videos about it, like we don't care. The same with Christmas morning, though. Everybody's posting their videos of opening. We are all opening gifts, or we're not. We all have a Christmas tree, or we don't. Like, it's just I think when social media was new, it was like exciting because oh, I can post it somewhere and get like instant feedback, like that, you know, that boost. But then now it's like we're all doing the same thing.

unknown 29:33

Like, we don't care.

SPEAKER_01 29:35

We really don't care. But yeah, they'll pop it like the day before, the day after. I'm just not a fan of fireworks because it's allowed. Yeah, it's it's very gunshotty. They're super expensive for it. Like some of them sound a little gunshotty for me and me, me, a little girl, always like we just gotta look at each other like okay, okay.

SPEAKER_03 29:57

It was a firework. Like, that's kind of close, huh? I was like, it is firework. Right. Was that really you just don't know because some of them are so obnoxious?

unknown 30:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:12

I can't I'm gonna wait till I'm gonna go.

SPEAKER_01 30:20

What's next Labor Day? Please do something different for Labor Day, folks. That's the firework holidays. No, those fans are gonna come out and they're gonna do it again. We'll be sitting here again.

SPEAKER_03 30:34

Then we get home and make a real cocktail. Can't wait. Until next time. Oh my gosh, well, I didn't want to be today with my July drink, but yes.