AND SUDDENLY…

For the past month, we’ve both been hearing the same message: AND SUDDENLY.

In this episode, we talk about the season we’ve been in and the one we believe we’re preparing to step into. From changes at work and new business opportunities to new ventures, school starting, bills, and the everyday pressure of trying to keep everything moving—some seasons can make you wonder when things are finally going to turn around.

But what if this season isn’t just something to get through? What if it’s preparing you for what comes next?

We’re talking about recognizing what this season is trying to teach us, doing the work while we’re here, and believing that sometimes life can feel the same for a long time… and suddenly, everything shifts.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_02 0:01

Greetings and salutation was a little reading rainbow. Reading rainbow. Come on. There's no other classic. It's just butterfly in the sky. Because I can go twice as high. You know, that was really like helping me read. Anyway. Welcome to talk out loud. Yes, because we are absolutely talking out loud today. Drinks. Clink clink. Clink clink. After party. It is a lazy blackberry margarita because it does not have to be shaken in the shaker. Delish.

SPEAKER_01 0:45

And if you know me, you know.

SPEAKER_02 0:49

To know me is to know I love a Caesar Sow. It's a good time. It's a good time. Yep. That's what we're gonna be today. Folks, we are talking out loud today because there is a lot of Jesus. A lot of and suddenly.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

And suddenly.

SPEAKER_02 1:10

School is back. School has begun for us. And it has been it has been. Um work-wise. The receptionist quit. In my mind, like, why come back? You know, we we got a little minute, you know, we're off this summer. Me personally, I only get four weeks. I say that I don't mean nobody gets four weeks talking or yeah. I don't mean that in a negative way, but yes, I get four weeks, but other people get the Holzberg. They get the the two, the eight weeks. The receptionist is one of those roles. So for me, it was like, why would you be off Alzheimer and come back and then be like, I quit. Quit on a Tuesday, you're gone on a Friday. Whatever, your business. Then the res the secretary quit abruptly at 10 30 p.m.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

It's my last day. What? Okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

No notice, no nothing, not a clue. Um, so work has been interesting. Another person had like a panic attack because we are just like picking up the cases. I'm fine. Someone asked me, like I was delivering something to them. And she was like, How are you doing up there? And I was like, I'm great. I'm organized. I'm I don't I didn't say it like all pretensions that way, but I was just like, I'm great. Like I was doing some of the slack anyway. Um some of the things you'll see I I kind of did. So no, I'm I'm always gonna be okay. And even if I wasn't, you would never see it. But yeah, did I cry in my office?

SPEAKER_00 2:58

Yeah. Was it about work? No.

SPEAKER_02 3:03

I just the salary is not enough.

SPEAKER_01 3:06

Yeah, it's not.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

The salary is never enough for me to like have high blood pressure over this. But you know, a couple days later, I was like, I feel like busting some balls. Like, this process is incorrect. I'm going to the website. You're supposed to have this here. I click on this, it goes nowhere. What are we doing? You sent a mass email out to all of us saying, This is the new rate. Make sure you use this form going forward. Cool, cool, cool. Are you gonna send us the form or we gotta play Go Fish? Oh, y'all didn't think that through? Y'all are high up. Y'all are hot up in the food chain. Y'all might think they wanted us to play GoFish. I finally said I was like, hey, um, the form wasn't attached, but I did find it. However, it says 2024 and it is not updated with the new information. And she just says, no, the form's not going to be attached, it's on the site. Okay, told you I already found it. And then I also in that same email was like, also, this form with the instructions does not it says 2024. Like it is not updated and does not have this. She sends it back to me, highlights the bottom where it says, such and such is subject to change. Yeah, you changed it. You didn't want to change the form. You're giving us an email that you update that it's something that's updated, but you didn't want to update the form on the site. I was like, and my my email was very it wasn't like haha, found a mistake. It was very, hey, I found the instructions. I see the instructions on here. I was like, not sure how, and this is exactly what I said, not sure how important that is. But for me, if I was just looking at the site and couldn't get a hold of anyone, this is incorrect. Or this is what it says. She literally just sent it back and highlighted that it says it's something to change. But it did change. We know that it changed. You don't want to change it? How ignorant. How? And this is why I don't want to be back in the corporate world because this is what y'all do. And this is exactly why I want to be back in the corporate world. You're supposed to be teaching all of us something to do, and you're purposely leaving something unupdated.

SPEAKER_00 5:23

What?

SPEAKER_01 5:25

And it's probably because you uh thought that someone else was going to do it or was trying to hold someone else accountable for it and they didn't do it.

SPEAKER_02 5:33

I think they literally like have things in too many places and they change stuff all the time and don't realize, oh, this changed, I need to change it over here so that someone can easily obtain this information. Since I've been there, I've been doing that. I'd be like, hey, I don't have instructions on this. Does anybody know what to do? Do you know how many nose I got?

SPEAKER_00 5:52

Oh, you know, get with your mentor, who's just another person like me, think has been here longer. But aren't you over us? Why?

SPEAKER_02 6:03

That is something that I I loved about the corporate world because it was it's so easy for us to pinpoint the error in the system. We see things linear or we see things like systematically. I think that's just how we were raised. And so it's easy for us to be like, um, this form is incorrect. You you uploaded it, let me just help you, you know, like kind of thing. I think that's what has allowed us to be in the positions that we have worked in because we pick that out. And so I agree with you. Like it's very easy to see, like, you know, you can't say you're gonna change this process without talking to everybody that it involves because it's going to affect other people, even though you think, oh, it's my department. No, that is literally literally the reason why I wanted to be a controller because I I don't know if I said this already on a podcast, but I literally walked out of Baker Hughes. Oh, yeah. Oh, I don't think I I thought like, oh, I was gonna be in oil and gas, and I'm up you top notch is oil and gas. The biggest late, not lazy. Let me let me rephrase because let's just be real. Let's just be real. You're not you're not that lazy. It's not that hard. It's not that I'm gonna be very blunt. It is not hard work. You do one track, that's all you can do, and then it goes to another department. And they do one track, it goes to another. I was so effing bored. That's it. I do this little spreadsheet and I'm done.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

What? I could do that from home in my pajamas in my bed.

SPEAKER_02 7:42

My supervisor was always at some meeting because they were up, they they were busy. I don't know, doing what? In meetings. That nothing gets implemented after. Let's be real. Um, but yeah, let's talk about what we're going to do that never gets done. And Baker Hughes had so many contractors. I don't know anyone that was an actual employee. And you can tell by the badge. None of us.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

I wonder if that's like a financial, like, is there some kind of financial yes?

SPEAKER_02 8:12

I mean, if you hire a contract, you don't have to pay. I think it's like you don't pay only once or something. Or insurance or, you know, all the things that you have to do with an employee. She put a game for it. Okay. Yeah. There was another job I did um that I was contract, and I'm like, your real people are quitting. Like they went to lunch and didn't return. Are you gonna make me permanent? Fiscal year is over. What are we doing? You see that I can do the work, and they couldn't answer me, so I quit. You're not coming and just roll me ragged on contract. Make me an employee. No, like we there was literally down to two of us. Their real employees kept quitting. I want to say, like, once every three weeks, somebody left and didn't return. And where was the person that was supposed to have the eye on that? You didn't notice that people were quitting? There's a problem. I mean, just you know, just tell me that you're gonna like check on that. Oh, okay. Yeah, I see that you're a dedicated employee and you you know what you're doing and you can handle it. Who's the supervisor of the people that are quitting every three weeks? What's going on with them? Do they need additional professional development? Like, what are we doing? What can I tell you? I could have cared less. And I that was like the year I got divorced. I was already, I had already lost a job, was on severance. Suddenly. Okay.

unknown 9:33

Suddenly.

SPEAKER_02 9:34

Was on severance. Uber eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner um in my bed until somebody said, get up, get out. Um, and then that was the first job. What was that, January I lost my job? I didn't get that job until May. I didn't get that job until May. And then, of course, summertime. Summertime when my kids are gonna be home. And again, no one to tag in and be like, hey, can you watch the kids? No. Then I get a job, so now I gotta be at the house. Crap. Okay. I'm relying on my cameras to watch my kids. Awesome. But yeah, I was just like, we're done. We're done with month end, we're done with fiscal year end. Like, it's October now. Are we not gonna hire me? I left. Anyway, still worked. Point was I wanted to be a controller so I could know how all the departments flow. I've worked in all the different departments of accounting to I worked my way up to to know how to better serve the people at the bottom. Like, okay, we're not getting invoices. Why? What's the reason? Okay, that needs to be done by here. If you want a report for me on the fifth business day, I'm gonna need all these other people to do their job. So let's start there. And it's like nobody realizes that one begets another, begets another, begets another. I don't know. I don't know why they don't understand. Like, how do you yeah, how do you not know that? How did you get to the position that you're in thinking that you are a silo? They just move people up. They move people up because they've been there, and that was my issue with managing people. So-and-so's mother-in-law has been here for 20 years, even though she does knows nothing about accounting, never studied, doesn't have a degree, but you know, she's been at the company. So we're gonna stick her in accounts payable. You want her to pay the bills. Then when I come in and they're looking at me sideways, like, you know, you know the famous statement. That's not how we use an eye. I know. And that's where I get up and walk away. I'm out. Y'all continue to do it the way you've always done it and continue to get the same goddamn response. Right. Like, but this is this is how it's supposed to be done, so that we can get XYZ results. And just because that's the way you've always done it doesn't mean, oh my God, what is that movie? Oh, hello, what kind of forever? Black Panther. She said, just because something is working doesn't mean that it cannot be improved upon. Exactly. Yes, your system may be working for you, but are you good with status quo? Oh my God, I think that is, since we're talking about like corporate BS, I think that is a big pet peeve of mine, is people who are complacent. You are okay with doing minimal, you are okay with doing the least amount, or or doing something wrong, or doing something that's not efficient. You're okay with it being inefficient. I can't live like that. I need a place that is going to constantly push you to do better, do more, do better things. How can you make this more efficient? I mean, I think that's why I enjoyed being um in the C-suite as a um operating officer, because it's like all I did was look at operations. Like, how can we make this better? Y'all are making 25 steps when it takes one. Because you're over here, you're over here, you send so-and-so over here, da-da-da-da. And all it does is it or all it needs is someone to take the step back to be like, you do realize that in order to put in this HR thing, you had to go through 10 steps when you could have just walked it down to HR yourself.

SPEAKER_01 13:22

No. And suddenly, look, I I don't know about well, since we're talking out loud, and suddenly has been something that has been coming up for me, for you.

SPEAKER_02 13:35

Um, I didn't even know it was coming up for you until I said, you know, like this has been coming up for me. I realized that throughout this season that I'm in right now, that I have done a lot of things and suddenly. I moved from Houston, Texas to Atlanta in 13 days. That was that to me is an and suddenly. And suddenly, I was I was let go of a position that I was working in and I did not know what to do. I was sleeping on the floor with my daughter. I called my sister and was just like, can I come to Atlanta? And she was like, Yes. And so in 13 days, I had to pack up an apartment, find somewhere for my kid to go, get make travel arrangements to get, you know, to Atlanta and suddenly, right? And so in this season that I'm in right now, it has it is scary for sure, but it's also like if something were to drop tomorrow, Tam, I'd be like, and suddenly, like, let's just do it. You know, if I had to leave my apartment in this sunny California tomorrow, guess what? I'm gone. And so as I'm talking out loud to you about it and suddenly, you're like, wow. And suddenly it's been coming up for me, too. I like um Pastor Mike Jr. or PMJ, whatever. I like his music. Um, I've watched him before, uh, like as a preacher or whatever you want to call him. But I usually tend to stick to my people and I don't I don't really catch up with them. I don't really watch his stuff. But something about like the title of the sermon, it always gets us. And so I just happened to like click on it and it was about and suddenly. And then everything I saw for the week was about this season and that you're in a new season you're about to be in a new season and pick up and move. And and and suddenly it kept talking about suddenly. And I mean, this week. Yeah, I can't even, I can't even wrap my head around it. I finally passed an exam that I had failed accumulatively four times. I literally was I was talking to you and and Bo, but I was just like, Um, I know that I'm smart. This is making me feel that way. This is making me feel like it's not for me. And I was like this close to F it and forget everything. Maybe maybe I should just move on because you know I'm I'm quit. Yeah, I'm not attached. You're goodbye. I'm gonna focus on this and I'm great. But I was trying to be focused on this one thing and finish it and then move on to the other stuff, which is so unlike me. But I was trying to be diligent and I was like, nope, I gotta finish this before this date, and then I can focus on other things. And I just kept failing. I was like, but I was trying to hurry up and do it. I scheduled the exam for 4 a.m., failed. I scheduled another exam for 4 a.m. Failed. Okay, 4 a.m. is not my time. Clearly, we're not really up. The brain cells aren't activated. Like my vision was blurry me. I was like, oh my god, I cannot. I can't focus. I just wanted it to be a quiet time where I knew nobody would be up bothering me because it's proper, but that's that was not my time. 9 p.m. I'm still struggling because you know, I'm gonna be it. That's just I'm not trying to take an exam, but I was I was so sharp yesterday, I just like remember smiling and taking it like I'm about to pass this. I almost wanted to cry at question 12 because I'm like, oh my god, I can I can see myself calling y'all and saying I passed. And then question 40 something, I'm like, oh no, I don't know this. And it's like the back and forth. But I'm just like, when I clicked submit exam and it said pass immediately. Hallelujah. And I didn't I didn't study at all. You know, I constantly tell people, like, I was at school to socialize, even though I didn't socialize afterwards. Like, I don't know you, like I'm balls to the wall, having a great time at school, but then once I get home, I it's like I have no friends. I don't hang out with anyone, I don't talk to nobody, like you're getting full maximum Tamara at school in your face away from you. I don't exist. I don't know. I guess I've always been that way. Um object permanence. But I'm just like, yeah, I think and I always say, thank God I was naturally smart. But like just I've been feeling like, okay, am I in periodopause? Because I'm not remembering stuff. I know I read it. Yeah, I just don't remember it. Or it was a it was like the buildup of me wanting to be done that when I hit just like when we press record on this, and I'm like, why are you like five, four, three, two? I was like, I can't hyperventilating. And when the test starts, I'm just like, oh my god, there's too many questions. Like, I want to be done. What am I gonna eat after? I did like I can't do it, but I finally freaked in past. Things have been working for healing Tuesdays. I might have a new, like, monthly happy hour partnership deal. Um, and suddenly like all the months that you've been like praying, seeking God, what's the next step? Why, you know, your mind is so sharp. Like you constantly come up with like creative ways to make things simpler for society, right? Yeah, the the um organizing, the the candles, the roots, like you just it comes so freely. And I think that is something that, and I'll put myself in this too, like take for granted, is that it comes so easily to us. And so we don't think it's a big deal. But when you get around people that it's not something that comes easily to them, then they're like, oh my God, please help, you know, yes, can you help me with this, that, and the third? And it's like, that's like gum beneath my shoe. Like, that's that's nothing. I want to, I want to tackle like the big stuff. Yeah. And they're thinking that your little stuff is big stuff, you know, to them. So, like with all the months of you like, you know, praying and seeking God and you know, walking out on faith. And I will tell you, Tam, like your faith is something that I look up to because I am struggling through this season of my life to have faith and to continue to like be positive and hopeful. And yes, I mean, there's no doubt that God's got me, obviously, right? Because that is a trend. You know, I've I've had the hard things happen and and suddenly things just randomly happen really quick. And it's like, okay, adjust pivot move, you know, we're we're doing something else.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

So for you to like have this season, I feel is like, you know, not just like long overdue, but just like finally, you know, like if anybody else deserved it, come on.

SPEAKER_02 21:10

I mean, you do. You hope that these things will happen. I mean, even finding Bo, it was like, I I didn't want to, I didn't want to talk about it because I was like, oh, I was super bitter. Like, I would, I remember you told me to watch like Love on the Spectrum. I'm watching Love on the Spectrum. Love, love, love on the spectrum. I was just like, oh, even they got a man? No. I was like, I don't want to watch that. I don't want to watch that. Quick to be like, I don't like you. Okay, thank you. But see, at least they got told, not ghosted. Right. There's no ghosting. Yeah, I was like super bitter. Just not bitter about like past relationships, but more bitter about like where is my personal, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:51

Why is nothing working out? Why is dating so freaking hard? And why is no one genuine? Like, there has to be some. Someone that is going to love me the way that I deserve. Where they at though? Yes. I mean, finally, finally. I mean, it hasn't been that long, but it feels like we've known each other and like he was just off at war. We say that all the time. I feel like you were off at war and you came home and we just like and you just picked it back up. Like, okay, you're back. So strange. But I mean, even with that, was freaking and suddenly, um, I got a check in the mail that I was supposed to get in February and didn't even know that I got it. I clearly threw the mail away. Or maybe it never really came. But when I needed it, when because Lannon's Lannon's class was were due for his real estate course. Dang near $400. I was not expecting it. Well, I'm, you know, $30. What are the taxes that we pay? Where are they going? Anywho, moving on. I was not expecting that. So I was like, dear Lord, help. So I had reached out to literally everybody that I knew. Somebody finally connected me with someone who did who was able to help me, and she they're gonna pay like 300 of the 391. So I was like, thank you, guys. And I got a check on the mail. Like, and I I had prayed, I did specifically pray for networking to work out for me because I don't like people. Let's be real. I don't enjoy, I don't enjoy my peace being disturbed. And I can't just be around, I think because I was around people. What's the word I'm looking for? I didn't want to be. I was just there. I was I don't want to say force because that sounds terrible, but let's get away. You know, I'm married into like a big family. I enjoyed them, but it was new for me. It was a lot of people. Um, we my husband had a lot of friends. Those friends came with a lot of people. Like I was constantly around other people that weren't really my people, so to speak. They did become, I mean, some some are still around, some aren't. But I think in in going through the divorce and learning who I want to be and becoming more of who is Tamara, you learn that, like, oh, I don't have to be around to be around. I don't need to show my face. I don't want to go there. I don't want to drink that. I don't want to eat that, you know, just more of like what I like. And so I think that is just kind of like solidified, like even with networking. Yes, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna try to be around people. I don't like all of them. I don't need to be, I don't need to be at every coffee at every lunch at every networking event. I don't like you know, or me. Even even if like, I don't know, I can separate the two. Like either I like you as a person, I like you as a business person, but everybody just isn't even in in business. Everybody just isn't your cup of tea. And so I I found some really great girls, and we went to lunch, all of our we're all Leo's. So we went to to dinner, uh, and then we we're trying to make this like a monthly thing, just but just even that, like celebrating us. And then it's like we can talk about kids, we can talk about men, we can talk about networking, we can talk about business, and it's not just me giving information, I'm getting it. Yeah, and so that that's important to me. It's reciprocal or not reciprocity, it's reciprocal. Like I give, I get, you know, yeah, for sure. It's not just training or listening to the drama, like it's it was so refreshing um getting to know them better. But I did, I prayed hard for like good networking, like the networking working for me. And then even with the tequila stuff, like somebody I met a while ago, she's always supported the tequila journey or whatever I was doing. She's come to my house for one, she did one at her house, and then she referred me, and that could potentially be a monthly happy hour thing. And I'm like, I just can't like everything has truly been and suddenly this week. I'm I'm this close to finishing my appraiser stuff. And I honestly don't know what happens after that, but at least I'm done. At least I'm done with it. And then I have my workshop for the coaching, which I haven't done in I don't know how long, but I have an actual workshop. That'll be my first workshop as a life coach on the 12th.

SPEAKER_00 26:34

And if that brings me actual coaching class, I got to do like I said, whatever I get, I gotta have to do.

SPEAKER_02 26:44

But yeah, it has definitely been an and suddenly week. It has been an and suddenly season, and I just feel like when I hear about like you or anybody that's like getting their and suddenly, it's encouraging for me to be like, okay, I'm it's coming, it's coming, like it's gonna be okay. And yes, there are like so many positive and suddenlies. I also feel like, you know, just to throw this in for a sec, you know, there's been some and suddenlies like in friendships too. So there was an and suddenly when I moved here to LA, that um all of the friends that I'd made on the East Coast, you know, they just, you know, out of sight, out of mind, you know, it wasn't the same. And there was a very significant relationship that kind of ended and suddenly, right? And that season was very hard because it's almost like your arm was broken, you know, like your arm was charved off, and you're like, wait, how am I supposed to like move around without my arm? Now, as anybody who has like lost or been injured or had something, it's like you adjust, right? You adjust, but that doesn't take away from the emotional part of that, which is like, but it's you know, it would have been so much easier if I could use both hands, but now I'm only using one. I mean, I can make it work, it's fine, but I would it would be so much easier if I had, you know, the use of both hands. So, and suddenly for for me or whatever is is you know, friendships. And it took the and suddenly of that friendship dissolving for me to recognize, like you said, like just having that, you know, as daddy says, you know, take the trip inside. And you're like, oh shoot, what is it that I like versus what that, you know, or what for me, it's how can I be whatever that person needs so that I can always be around. And if I do something that I actually like, they won't be around me anymore. So I always have to do like what they're doing. And I'm bringing this up because I recently received a message from this friendship that, you know, I believed had ended, you know, over a year ago. And, you know, even though, you know, I have grown, I have moved on, it still stings because it was a very important relationship for me, especially at this age. You know, when you're like young, you know, you move around, you have different schools, you know, like you change friendships, and it's like no big deal. But I feel like the older you get, the more those relationships matter. And so when they end, it's just like uh okay. And then, you know, and the way that they end is also just kind of like so you also kind of went through um an end of an era, if you will.

SPEAKER_01 30:07

And it's just kind of like I don't know, I don't know about you, but for me, I definitely was like, was it me?

SPEAKER_02 30:17

Did I do something? You know, I I immediately take the trip in and it's like, oh, it's me. Like I did something wrong, I didn't do something, and that's why they end up leaving, and you actually helped me through that. You're like, no.

SPEAKER_01 30:32

Like it's just it's time to move on.

SPEAKER_02 30:37

And I mean look at all the things that have happened to me since I let that friendship go. Yeah, yeah. And that's sad to say, because of course I love her. Like it's the longest friendship I've ever had in my life, it's over 20 years. I don't have any friends that long. Um, I mean that that I was talking to on a daily basis, literally every day. Um I mean, you could say we were a little codependent there, sure. Um, but I do without like telling her business, I do feel like she was able to say whatever she wanted to meet because the the people certain people in my life just don't care. They say whatever they want to say, whether it was disrespectful, there was no tact, there was no nothing, and I didn't sit here and hold it against them and not talk to them or negate it. I listened, I received, I processed, we talked about it. I didn't get that same reaction. I said what I felt about something, and I was immediately shut down. You don't agree, clearly, because you're not changing any of the behavior, then that's cool. Do you? Um, but even in the moments we weren't talking, I still told her happy birthday. She said thank you. My birthday came up, didn't hear from her. So that tells me, oh, okay, cool. Either you're not you're not over it, you haven't grown, which I was correct in letting you go. Um, I don't know. We've we've had like one tip before where there was a misunderstanding and then she came back and tried to act like nothing was wrong. And I was like, no, you did this, I said that. If that was what was wrong with you, why do you why didn't you just say that? We talked every day. It was still kind of odd, but me in that season, I just pick up, forgive, enroll, and move on. In this season, no, I'm gonna hold you accountable, just like everybody else. Yeah, I don't like what you're doing, I don't like who you are. And if this is who you are from 20 years, you have not changed, I'm good. Yeah, I mean, I gotta let you go.

SPEAKER_01 32:43

Yeah, I agree with you on that. That's all it is.

SPEAKER_02 32:46

Yeah, you know, I feel like for you, but I can't be around you. I think that I relate so much to that because when people like leave your life and then try to come back and pretend that what like we're not going to address what just happened. Um I'm not that same. Uh well, I would I would say, I think I would tell you when we would talk out loud, I'd be like, I think he's checking to see if I'm still stupid. And I'm not. Like, I'm not the same person that I was a year ago when you magically stopped talking to me and then told a mutual friend of ours that you have no idea what happened in our relationship. And it's like, so we have proof because you can go back in the text messages where I reached out to you and I acknowledged, you know, that I was like tripping, I was like having a really hard like moment. You know, I just came back from being in Houston, and you know, it's just a lot of guilt that I pick up when I'm in Houston of just like not being there, not being there for my parents, my sisters, my nieces and nephews, you know. And so when I came back to LA, I just kind of like dumped that on him. And so I acknowledged it. I was like, yo, my bad, like maybe today's not a good day because you know, I'm really feeling myself. And then, you know, you stop talking to me. And then I reach out to you multiple times. I call, you decline my call. Then you finally send a text. It's just like, I can't deal with you emotionally at this time. Okay, no problem. You know, whenever you're ready, let me know. And then you like randomly send text messages over the next year of just like pictures of, you know, things that you know mean something to me. And it's just like, damn, I think he's checking to see if I'm still stupid. I'm not. I'm not the same chick that I was two years ago. This they don't realize when Ryan's husband used to leave a lot. He used this similar suitcase would be against the wall in our bedroom. Kids could see it, whatever. He would walk, I would ask, like, hey, are you did you apply for a job today? He'd take the suitcase and leave for the weekend. And then Monday he would come back and be like, Well, you know, that's my family. No one asks you to leave, buddy. Like, you left. And after it became such a common thing, I finally had to like say to him, You realize I'm I don't care if you stay or go. It's not affecting me as if this isn't a revolving door. The next time you leave, like, stay gone. But it it's that. It's the it's them thinking that like this is affecting me, and it's not. You're literally teaching me how to live without you. Yes. So when you come back, no, it's not gonna be the same because I you have literally conditioned me to be without you at no given reason. Yeah. Just I can't, I can't be attached to you. No worries. So, yeah. And in this season, it's like I want to be around people that have language that can say, you know what, I need a break. Okay, no worries, you know, check back in with you in a couple weeks or whatever, boom, pop, pop. And then we can get back together and be like, yo, I was going through a season of whatever, you know, and and let's keep it moving. But to, and and and this is maybe not unfair, but this is just talking out loud and how I feel. I feel like it was very immature. I feel like at this point in our relationship, in our age, in our stages of development, we're both like, you know, executives and and mental health, and we work in mental health. Like, we couldn't have said, like, yo, I need a break. And I would have been like, respect. I may not be happy about it, but if you need the break, take the break. Like, it's fine. So yeah, I agree. It's just kind of like the the people that I've met, shout out to the people that I've met, I don't know if they're listening to this, but shout out to the people that I've met since I've been here in LA. I feel like I think I was telling you, like my friendship circle was all younger than me. And I didn't recognize it until recently when you know my friendships changed, and I was like, I just realized that all like 90% of the friends that I had were born the same year you were born. And I was like, Because I connect with you because we grew up together. We're only a couple years apart. So it's just kind of like, you know, we get each other. And so since I've been in LA, the people that I've met have all been older. And it's just like there is something to be said about maturity in those friendships. Like, I don't have to worry about I call and you don't answer, and then I'm like, well, where are you? You're not responding. That's like middle school stuff. I don't have to worry about that with people who are, you know, a couple years older than me because we don't, we don't do that. Like that's just if you don't want to, if you don't want to be my friend anymore, say that. I mean, I am one for closure. I'm not gonna lie about that. I I do appreciate closure because then I can like, okay, I can close the book and move on. It it does bother me when there's like, you know, there's like something out there in the air that's like unresolved, you know, like can we just resolve it? If you want to go your separate way, that's fine. But can I say my piece? I will listen to your piece and then we can be done. You know, it's fine. Um, but if I don't get that, and I think that was the part of that season too, was like I was reaching out because I wanted this like closure. Okay, if you don't want to be friends anymore, then can you just say that? Because then I can close the book and I can move on. But there's this like hope, like dangling, like, okay, we may, you know. Now, do I think that our story is over? No, I don't. I don't think our story is over. I think that I've never met anyone who was a soulmate like he was. And so even though our stories have drifted apart, I don't think it's the end of our story. But I do know that we will never have that same story again. If we were, or if if our paths do cross again, our relationship will be different because I am different. Like I have changed. And I will not allow myself to be, like you said, codependent on the relationship if it does come back.

SPEAKER_01 39:52

But yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:54

Yeah. I think that's why I'm also so like content because I'm more like proud of me because I said what I had to say.

unknown 40:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:05

Whereas the first time I didn't talk, it was more her just abruptly removing herself and not explaining. And then when she came back and said what for, I was just like, that's stupid. Why would we talk every day? Like, you know, I didn't mean that. I was joking. Like, there's clearly something else going on with you and you didn't share. Right. Um, but this go round, I guess maybe you could say, it was my fault, but it wasn't my fault because I just simply spoke my mind. I simply and I allow you to speak your mind all the time and do not judge you. Whoop-de-boop. You could you sat here in a drunken rage and went off about how you didn't like my last relationship. I didn't say a word to you. I didn't say a thing. I didn't disown you. I didn't stop talking to you. We moved on like it was never a thing. Who cares? That's your opinion. I obviously feel my own way because I'm no longer in that relationship. But I didn't stop being friends with you because you spoke how you felt about my life. Because that's what a real friend should be. And then you say, Oh, I like that you're speaking up, I'm proud of you, but you didn't you didn't like it because you're not talking to me. Yeah, you abandoned. Okay.

unknown 41:21

Cool.

SPEAKER_02 41:21

You feel correct in what you're doing, and I'm gonna I'm gonna leave you there. But no, I feel I don't feel I hate to say I don't feel anything, but like I was on the on the dating app, like I'm mad for like a second, I have to process, and then immediately you don't exist. I'm either all about you or you don't exist. And there are things that you read all the time, like, you know, to know, to know me is to love, I don't know, whatever the saying is, but like truly, I'm a gift. Yes, I'm a gift to your life. I will I will love you like no other. But if it's not reciprocated in 2026, at least I'm going to the next. I want reciprocal relationships moving forward. I think we can both agree on that. It needs to be both ways. If it can't be both ways, then it's not the relationship for me. I'm not lacking anything at this point. So if you're not a completely different person, when you come back, stay going. Or just just be accountable. Just be accountable. I was stuck. I was going through something. Respect. Clearly. We have all been through something. But if I'm telling you how I feel this isn't the time to be like, well, you did this. Okay, we're not ready. We're not ready. Clearly. Clearly. Girls are past our time. Look at that. Talking out loud. Well, I hope that the listeners are going through an and suddenly stage two. I think that, you know, appreciate the season that you're in because and suddenly things can change, just like they sure can. But also like trying to find what I will say to you is that I always try to find the meaning in things. Like even the wasp. When I moved in this house, I would sit outside in the garage, see them swarming around my house and just cry. And then I quickly was like, let me look up the spiritual meaning of wasps. I Googled it and it was like animals with wings are messengers. They're trying to tell you something. And it was like, get up, get up and do, or take action is what it said. And I was like, you know what? And that's when like the the business mind started flowing. And I was like, you know what, yes, I do need to like do something instead of just sitting here and wallowing. And why don't I have that? Yeah. And then it's just, you know, it's not, it's not all up, up, up. But trying to find the meaning and things, what am I supposed to be learning from this? Yep. Even the job I have. Why you am I here? A bit of control over. I took this job at the school. Signi a a fourth of the salary that I used to make. Why am I here? I I'm here for a reason and I'm gonna I'm gonna keep that. I haven't been fired. I mean, I I don't see why I would be, but it's like if I'm still here, and this is literally the only job that called me in 15 months. Really?

SPEAKER_00 44:41

Really? I was making six figures sitting at home. Boy to death.

SPEAKER_02 44:47

But now this job has purpose. Like there is a reason why you're there. I had to get out, I had to meet people, I had to talk to people because I was getting a little depressed. Um, my clothes were all, you know, leggings and shirts with sayings. Like I needed to change my wardrobe. I need I needed to get back in the groove of what I'm meant to be doing. And even though that money isn't the stay-at-home money, right? There's a reason for it. And I always say, like, this will be my play money. Job will be my play money, and it's somewhere to get up and go during the day. My businesses will sustain my life. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 45:26

I agree.

SPEAKER_02 45:27

And we will see that. We will see that soon.

SPEAKER_00 45:30

And suddenly. And suddenly smitches. Toodles.