The In-Between with Elizabeth Cheney

In-Between: The Path to Healing with Brittany Tucker

• Elizabeth Cheney • Season 1 • Episode 30

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Elizabeth is so excited about the special guest this week! Brittany Tucker is joining us for this week's episode. Brittany is an enthusiastic keynote speaker, a coach who's trained over 350 businesses, amongst many other accolades. She's also a survivor of domestic abuse and is here to share a glimpse into her healing journey. She shares red flags to look out for, how she got out & got help, how trauma affects the body, and so much more. This episode is packed with wisdom, advice, and hope for anyone who may be going through something similar. 1 in 4 women.

Connect with Brittany:
@BrighterwithBritt on Instagram

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@in.betweenpod on Instagram
@theinbetweenpodcast on TikTok


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Connect with me:
https://in-between.co
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@elizabethcheney_ on Instagram
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The In-Between Podcast on YouTube

Elizabeth:

All right. Welcome to another episode of the in between podcast. I'm your host, Elizabeth Cheney. So exciting things. I have been prepping this interview. I've been keeping our guests a little, elusive just, you know, give a little mysteriousness okay. Okay. All right. Let's let's get down to business here. We're gonna talk about our important special guest today brittany Tucker. All right. So let me give a quick spiel about Brittany and then I'm gonna let her take the reins. So Brit Tucker also don't mind me, you guys. I have my little, my little intro script. Okay. So she's an enthusiastic keynote speaker, a coach who's trained over 350 businesses. So basically she's out there giving keynotes, leading the dang thing, doing the most, maybe doing my dream job, but that's a side note. She shared the same stage with plenty of notable speakers, notable people. And then a few pass of her corporate training. Clients include notable companies. Like, I don't know, Susan G. Coleman, the Georgia chamber Southern company, which basically supplies power to the entire Southeast and also the Georgia aquarium. She holds multiple degrees, multiple recognitions certifications. And that's only part of her story. She serves on a board of directors already. I mean, wow. she's involved with multiple philanthropy groups, including her own scholarship that she runs with her sister. And on top of all of that, she's also writing her first book for young women alongside line press publishing. So yeah. Got several things on she's already doing on my bucket list on my vision board. So very honored to have Brittany here. I'm I'm so excited. We were able to make this work. Let's hope the video works I'm I mean, I'm I'm so I first and foremost, apparently podcasts are supposed to be on video and you are the one who were like, Hey, do you wanna do video? And I'm like, you know what, that's the push I needed. So here we are. So Brittany, thank you for joining us

Brittany:

today. I know. Thanks for having me, Elizabeth. I'm excited to be here and I'm excited that we're doing video. You're a rockstar.

Elizabeth:

All right. So Brittany, give a, give the people a little background on what you do, who you are. Are you a Georgia native and because you currently reside in Nashville, Tennessee. Right? So give a little little background to the"In-be". Well, I was about to call you guys the inbetweeners. I don't know if we're there yet, but everyone is

Brittany:

listening. Um, yeah, so I live in Nashville. I've lived here for four years. I did live in Atlanta for 10 years. I am a Georgia native. I grew up right above Savannah area and I am by trade a speaker. So, when people look at me, when I say that, I say I speak for a living. So think, corporate trainings, lunch and learns, conferences, coaching individuals. So I get to use my voice, and I get paid for it. And it's really fun.

Elizabeth:

I love that that was like my dream job. When I was like little girl, I was like, I wanna be a public speaker. I wanna be a TV host at the time I was eed. Now I've kind of given myself some more value, but I, I love that. I love that. So a little background on how, how we got introduced. Uh, you used to work at a company with one of my girlfriends, Courtney, for those who are listening or been listening to the podcast, she was on my original friendship series. We all know Coco uh, but any who she. She connected me to you, cuz she was like, Hey, I know I used to work with this really awesome, cool person. Her name was Brittany. I really think you guys would connect and she's kind of doing what we're you're doing, but on like a bigger scale and, and she's like, you know, kind of spreading almost a spreading the gospel, but kinda spreading the, the leadership and the love and the self empowerment and self-improvement. And so we connected, I think it was 20, 20. She connected us via Instagram. Okay. And we had a phone call and you were so uplifting. You were so positive. You were so like yeah. Gimme all these tips. Little did I know I was in the midst of a mental health crisis, a depression and onset of depression and it is what it is. We've been there. We've done that. Okay. Fast forward. I'm back on my two feet and I saw you, you made a social media post that we'll get into in a second. It was an Instagram story. Yeah. About something that you were heal in the process of healing from. And it was very powerful. So I was, I was very inspired and, and just. I don't know, I had a lot of empathy and love for you to be so vocal about your experience. And I've just reached out and I was like, Hey, you remember, remember me? and we, we connected. And I was like, Hey, I finally launched that podcast. We talked about two years ago. I would love for you to come if you are open to it, being coming on, being a guest and kind of talking by experience. And that experience is with domestic violence. And, um, we talked it out and you were said, yes. And so I just, I'm very, very, um, uh, what's what I'm looking for grateful plus that you decided to come and share your story here on the, in between podcast. So, you know, even if I wasn't in the right place two years ago, clearly our paths are meant to cross at some point. So Brittany, is there anything that you let's first start with? So we talked about domestic violence is the topic at hand and the, it started because you were very vocal about it on Instagram and it was coming up on your 10 month anniversary. Was that what it was? I believe, or the nine months?

Brittany:

Correct. Yeah. So I shared little clip bits here and there. Um, but I think a lot of that just had to do with my healing process and I wasn't ready to share it. Uh, but when I started sharing it, it was so interesting Elizabeth, because so many women started reaching out to me through DMs and saying, oh my gosh, this happened to me too. And so I was like, wow, like I, you know, I speak for a living. Like if I'm not speaking up about this, like who is, you know, I have this like big, heavy yield of like, I, I need to speak up. And so I think it's speaking up and talking about it is also part of the healing journey. And I've got a great support team behind me who has encouraged me to share my story. And so, yeah, so that, that's where it started.

Elizabeth:

okay. So when it was that post in particular, we were, you were nine, almost 10 months out. So you were finally at the point in your healing journey to start speaking out, correct. Is that what you're saying? Correct? Yes. It took a while. It's not something that happens right off the bat.

Brittany:

no, no. I mean, you're just, there's so many stages of going through this that, you know, you're in this big healing journey and just when you think you've completely healed from it, you're like, whoa, bam. That hit me in the face and there's, there's some more work that I need to do. Um, but yeah, I think since I've started speaking about it and sharing my story with people, it's been very, very healing for me. Good.

Elizabeth:

And, and does that come from being able to not just share your story, but find like, find other people who are like, wow, that happened to me and, and feeling comfortable to talk to

Brittany:

you about it? Yeah, definitely. Like I said, so many women have reached out through DMS and you know, this happened to me, you know, I think it's, um, and don't quote me on these stats, um, because I'm still learning all of them, but I think it's like one in four women go through this and it's just, when I started learning about it and educating myself about it, I was like, wow, like, I didn't realize it was this common.

Elizabeth:

One in four women that's um, that breaks my heart completely. Yes. Well, I'm very happy that you were on the outside, on the other end of it. So, you know, we don't need to necessarily talk about the specifics. We can see where we go in the conversation, but let's talk first in a general sense of red flags. So, cause we talked about this a little bit when we were talking about the conversation. So what do red flags look like? Was, was there gas lighting, was there controlling? Did, did they have the stereotypical sociopathic, like personality where you're like Mr. Smooth or Mrs. Smooth kind of thing. So what are some, some red flags that you notice and what you've learned also in this healing process, in, in, in your journey.

Brittany:

Yes. So I'd like to start by saying we all like to see the good in people. okay. And that can be in a lot of trouble. I think some of the red flags for me now that I'm out of it, I look back and I'm like, oh, that was a red flag. And, oh, this was a red flag. One of the first ones was, it was moving very, very fast, like very fast. Like he had bought me gifts on the first date and the third date. He bought me a pair of shoes. Um, we went hiking. Oh, wow. And, um, he had me like a, you know, like one of the backpacks with water and, and the hiking shoes. And at first you're like, wow, like, this is, this is so great. But I look back on it now. And like he had literal. looked inside my shoes to see what size I wore to buy me a pair of shoes, you know, on the third date. And I'm like, that's, that's not normal Brit, you know? Um, but it was a lot of it's called, if you're familiar with narcissism, it's called love bombing. So that is where, okay. Lay they play prince or they, they play queen, uh, depending on if you're a male or a female and they just, they. Take you on trips and do nice things for you and say all the right things and lavish gifts. And the whole point of it is to get you to form a bond with them and to trust them before they start to tear you down. So that's the way that love bombing works. That was a big, big red flag for me. Um, looking back now, he had no friends, he had no friends outside okay. Of his art studio that he had. And I'm like, wow, like that should have been a huge red flag for me. Like no one ever asked him to do anything. It was just people who were there and part of his art studio, um, that, that were his so-called friends.

Elizabeth:

Got it. Um, how did you guys meet if you mind me asking or is that too much?

Brittany:

No, that is okay. We actually met through a matchmaking service, a paid service. Okay. um, yes, which, I had to go back after I got out of it and send, um, so my ex actually has a felony, of aggravated assault and I had to go back and call the matchmaker and say, Hey, you might wanna be aware of this because this is a huge liability, you know, for your company. Um, yeah. So, yeah, but I mean, it's one of those things it's like, I didn't think I had to, you know, do any research on my own because I trusted this company, but also what he had told this company and this matchmaker about himself and how she portrayed him to me was all a lie. So yeah.

Elizabeth:

That's wow. That's crazy. Um, I'm so God, I'm so sorry that happened to you okay. Um, so red flags and you know what. Especially someone being as charismatic being so lovey dovey being like so nurturing in a sense it's I, I can see how you kind of ignore those signs cuz the friend thing, I don't necessarily know if I would notice that, you know what I mean? Um, yep. So, okay. So next question? Um, when we were talking about this, uh, we were talking about not just like what the experience was, but the aftermath. All right. The, the trauma, because what you went through was traumatic, it's a PTSD. And we were talking about what trauma and going through something like that, what it does to your body. And I, I just don't think there's enough awareness and understanding around. How this kind of thing can affect your, like your nervous system, so to speak, right? Mm-hmm so we talked about cortisol levels. We talked about weight gain, um, how the body just holds trauma. So I, I wanna talk about, I just wanted to ask you kind of, if you wanted to share your experience with this, how your body's reacted, how your mental health has reacted, and it can even just be from the start. Did you start to notice these signs during the relationship, or did it happen afterward and what, what did those things look like and how are you overcoming them? Because I know what I've personally experienced with different traumas from my, my previous car accident. So, um

Brittany:

yeah, so your body holds trauma. Okay. So if you wanna read a good book about this, it's called the body keep score. But it doesn't matter how much talking therapy you do. Your body is still holding onto things so, experiences trauma are stored in your body. So that has been one of the biggest lessons that I've learned, because I am type a, um, I know how to accomplish things. I know how to check things off a list. And I literally wrote myself on a piece of paper. I will take only three months to heal, and I'm gonna put this behind me. And I look back on this and I'm like, that is the silliest thing. I am almost a year out and still healing. I'm actually being trans, not transferred, but recommended to another therapist to do more sematic stuff in my body. As far as symptoms. Some good, some good examples. Um, night sweats, nightmares. Um, the nightmares happened for the first three months. I mean I still, probably about a month ago, still woke up in the middle of the night, just like shot up. And I was, I was yelling like don't hurt me. Oh, uh, I've had panic attacks in my car. The weight gain is still there for me. So basically the way that my therapist explained this to me is that your body holds onto fat, um, to keep you safe when it feels like it's in a state of danger. And so my body is still in, what my therapist is called hyper vigilance. So it's still on very, very high alert. It's still feels like my, it still feels like it's in danger, even though I'm in a safe space, it's still not, my nervous system is not regulated yet. So, um, my body, no matter how healthy I eat, no matter how much I'm working, my body's still holding onto a lot of it. And it's because trauma is stored in the body. So, um, I just had another panic attack probably two weeks ago in the car. Driving to therapy, barely breathed when I got there. And what we realized is that the sensation I felt being, being trapped in traffic, I felt it all the way through my back was the same sensation I used to get when he would come up in the kitchen and come up behind me and squeeze me really tight. So it was the same feeling. So it's, it's really interesting how your body can't sometimes decipher between what is dangerous and what's not, it takes it a while to get back to that regulated state

Elizabeth:

and, and you just celebrated your 11th month, right. Anniversary of, of being out of the relationship away from him. So you're still battling these, these, I hate using the word issues cause I don't wanna it's no, it's OK. But these, these speed bumps let's let's call speed bumps because you will overcome them, these potholes, these speed bumps so it takes a long time and there, and there's also probably no size fits all for this. I I'm assuming.

Brittany:

No, there is not. I just celebrated 11 months. It'll be a year in September, September 25th. The last day that I pulled my car away from his house. And, I think as part of the healing process, you go through so many emotions. And so I've tried to allow humor to, to, make its appearance sometimes. And so it helps me to get through hard times. Sometimes I think about it and I'll just start crying and I'm like, and I'm gonna get teared up thinking about it, but like, I'm just really lucky to not have been like really physically harmed in that situation. So.

Elizabeth:

Yeah. And for those who don't know, Brittney, Tucker, she's not a big person. Like you're tiny. Like you're very petite. So I just, I'm very happy you got of that too. And, and because, and also disposition your, your behavior, your demeanor hasn't changed. You're still this, I'm not saying you aren't more fragile. I'm not saying you aren't a little cracked who are there. I'm not saying you're not going through trauma, but I, I am inspired by you putting one foot in front of the other and, and, you know, destined and determined to come out on top and not let this be kind of the Scarlet letter on you. You know what I mean? So I just want to know that that comes through and it's very inspiring.

Brittany:

Thank you. Thank you. It's been, it's been quite the journey it's been, I feel like, and this is something I'll share too, and how much it affects your body and just tears you down. Um, I haven't owned a scale or a full length mirror in a year. And one reason that is, is because when I look at myself in the mirror right now, and I see the weight, I, I know where it came from and why it's there. And so it's still a visual reminder for me. So I appreciate the encouraging words because there's been days when I don't even recognize, recognize myself, right? Like I'm just like this normal, like fun, energetic person. And I say, you know, I got, I got pushed down a little bit, but I'm gonna get it right back up and, and it's gonna be stronger. And I think that that's one, that's one positive thing is, you know, what am, what am I gonna do with this situation? And I, I wrote that, I wrote it on a piece of paper on my fridge when I first got out. And I said, what will you do with what happened to you? And so that's been a, a big question that I've just been pondering, you know, like, how do I make a difference? How do I help people? How do I educate people? You know, I don't want this happen. Anyone else? Oh my gosh. And, and I just think about all the people who have been in these relationships for years, like mine was only a year and two months, and I know the, the aftermath of what it's caused to me. So, so,

Elizabeth:

yeah, so with that said, I know you volunteer with the office of family safety in Nashville, and everyone listening, if you are going through something like this, if you know someone who's going through something like this, we are gonna link a bunch of different resources in the show notes. So please refer back to those. So the office of family safety is something that's in Nashville, and that is something you volunteer with, right. Brittany or where. So in addition to that, where else do you see yourself going with with your gift of speaking with the situation in, in the story.

Brittany:

Yeah. So the office of family safety center has been a godsend. So they actually have helped me find resources for, um, like my therapist right now specializes in domestic abuse and so they've helped me with that. They helped me do my police report. I never had to step foot in the police station whatsoever. It's really, really great organization. They do a lot of like emergency stuff. So like, let's say someone has to flee a situation. Like they have child, like they have a room for childcare there. You can bring your pet. Like it's just, they have food there. But they've been great. So I'm actually, a volunteer on one of their survivor teams right now. And I think moving forward, I think for me, it's just, you know, Kind of kind of pinpointing, like where can I make the biggest difference right now? It's just education. Um, I didn't know a lot about domestic abuse. I think one of the biggest things that I was so ignorant on is, is who it happens to and what the actual definition of domestic abuse is. I thought that, you know, you had to have a bloody bloody lip and, and bruised eyes and have been punched in the face. And that is not the definition of domestic abuse whatsoever. It's any unwarranted touch, any threat by any object? Um, that's all considered domestic abuse. Domestic abuse can be financial, it can be physical, it can be emotional, it can be mental, like spiritual, like there's so many types of domestic abuse. But yeah, I'm on their, their survivor team. And I think, um, I think one day, like it might just be part of what I speak on. Like I'd love to do maybe, you know, a big speech on it somewhere. I, I got, um, uh, forwarded an email. Um, someone was looking for a survivor to speak at a conference, like in may. And my, my speaking self was like, oh, I wanna do it. And then my, my

Elizabeth:

body that's like, no, no, no, no, no. We cannot do that. No, no, no. no, no, no. We're, we're

Brittany:

definitely. And I don't get, I don't get scared on stages. I'm not nervous. Like I've been speaking for so long, but I'm like, eh, that that's just a whole nother type of speaking. So, um, so yeah, you're actually the first person that I've, I've done, a live, you know, recording podcast with, and this is just hope gonna catapult more episodes and more recordings and just spreading the word and awareness about a domestic abuse. So

Elizabeth:

absolutely baby steps, even if, if may is not, when, when you're ready to do this, it's eventually you're gonna get there. Cause I like you. I don't know, you were just, your energy is very, um, magnetic, so to speak. Mm-hmm so take those baby steps. I, again, I'll reiterate, I am grateful that you are sharing just even what you are. So Nashville is hap is, is lucky to have you. Nashville is lucky to have you there. So thank you again, everyone listening, we will have different resources linked in the show notes, um, for you or anybody else who may be going through this. So we talked about red flags. We talked about the different resources available to offer the help. And I wanna say one thing, I didn't even realize those type of programs existed into the level, like the capacity that they do. Like you never even stepped into a police station. That's incredible.

Brittany:

Yes. Yes. I, I think, uh, I think a lot of bigger cities have centers like this. I'm not sure that, you know, obviously the smaller cities probably won't, but, um, but it's great. They just, even the building is set up for, for trauma survivors. So like from the smells to the way the furniture is shaped to the paintings, all, I mean, like everything is, is it's very, very well done. So you feel very safe in there.

Elizabeth:

beautiful. Um, okay. So. We will tread water on this conversation. You lead the way, baby girl. So I wanna kind talk about what, what made you realize that you needed to get out, that you had to get out? Was it something you were piecing together? Was it called Turkey? What were the steps you took to get out? And let's just kind of go from there. Like once you were out, were you already seeking support? Were you kind of, once you were piecing it together, were you seeking support and that's what kind of helped push you to get out? I just wanted to see if you wanna kind of go into that.

Brittany:

Yeah, I, I left so many times, but I also went back so many times and I think like the average survivor, like goes back at least six or seven times um, oh, wow. To their abuse, to their abuser. I think that's the stats around it. We would get in fights, like things would happen and I'm like, this is not normal. I would leave, you know, there's one time he kicked me out of the house. I was at the end of COVID and I went and got a hotel room for the night and it was just, it was this whole fight over measuring cups. So he got mad that I got rid of the metal measuring cups that he had to use plastic ones. And so I can tell you, so you can tell you some of the stories, but I think you. things just kept getting worse and worse and worse. And you go back to it's called a trauma bond. So it's basically kind of similar to why, um, people who are kidnapped, why they don't leave their kidnappers because you form what's called like a trauma bond. It's like an emotional bond. So the way that this formed with narcissism is that love bombing stage. In the very beginning, they get you to trust them. So anytime things are bad, anytime something's bad, you go back to, well, you know, I see this part of them, right. And they were really nice and they did all these great things and, but the degrading it's basically love bombing. Getting you to trust them, then it starts the devaluing degrading. Then there's bread crumbing in there, which is where if things are going bad, they might like go buy you a gift or they might take you to dinner and then you're still holding on mm-hmm And then, you know, and I remember even like, after he had kicked me out, I, you know, I, I was starting to look for a new place and he called me back up and he was like, this is not what I wanted. And you know, you can stay here until you find somewhere. And, you know, silly me. I went back and there's been so much, I've had to work through with like guilt and, and just being really harsh on myself, on why I did that. But now that I'm out and I understand how, um, narcissism works. I've given myself a lot of grace in saying, Hey, like, this is just who he is. He's a master manipulator. This is the way that he works. And I just got tied up in the.

Elizabeth:

that's a beautiful way to look at it and, and giving yourself grace. And, uh, I'm also kind of alluding to how bumpy and wild being in a web is. So once you started making these realizations and you were getting out, how did the, the support kind of help you get out? How did it. kind of, they kind of helped you walk the path, get out of that. And how did they more importantly help you after you were out like that really fragile, sensitive period afterward?

Brittany:

Yes. The first three months, uh, were a shit show my, my sister came up and she actually, stayed with me for a month, just to make sure, you know, Hey, I was like showering and, and she was feeding my dog. She actually unpacked all my boxes for me. And Aw, yeah, it was so nice. I just, you know, I didn't feel safe here, you know, it was almost like, is he gonna find me as you know, and at the time he was already occupied with the new person. But I, I think there was, of course, of course. Yeah, of course that that's a true narcissist. They always have to have supply. Mine was there. Um, when I went back to get my things, mine was there. The new girl was there like six days after I left. So, so yeah, my, my sister came and she helped me and it was just a period of. It's called in, in the narcissism world. It's called the fob. So it's fear, obligation, and guilt. And you are literally when you're in this relationship, you're in what is called a fog and you can't see anything. It is like blinding. My memory started to come back after those first three months. So the way that my therapist explained it to me is when your body sometimes senses, um, danger or it's in survival mode, it disassociates. So you don't remember things. It's kind of crazy. I'd be sitting at the red light and I'd be like, holy shit. That happened. Right. And I'd pull out my phone and I'd write it down. And, and, and I think it was just this, like, I'm, I think the biggest word to describe it. Elizabeth was shock. It was complete shock because not only was I, I coming out of this, but I was also finding out all this information about him, that I didn't know about him. So basically his image, his, he has an entire false image. So if you've ever seen the movie dirty, John, it's pretty much, he's like dirty John too. So everything is made up from like where, you know, where he graduated and you know, his, what he did in the military, like all this was made up. So it was kind of like a I'm coming out of an abusive relationship, but I'm also in shock because my life for the last year was lie. Um, oh, wow. So, so yeah, so it started with, you know, basic therapy and then, okay. Now I need to go see the office of family safety center because they can help me specifically with this. And I eventually wanna do a report, but I don't know how to do a report, you know? Um, I think when I realized it was as bad as it was, is when I connected with the two women he dated before me. And it was almost like a light bulb went off like, okay, I wasn't crazy. This really happened. He is abused multiple women. I'm number four that I know of at this point. And it was just almost like this. I don't, it's hard to explain. It was like I was in this virtual world and it it's like I stepped out and I, I was looking at it from the outside and like, whoa, that really just happened, you know?

Elizabeth:

And you're also kind of coming outta blackout periods. You know what I mean? Like you're, you're starting to piece together certain things that happened to you that you had no recollection of like the veil had been lifted. Oh my goodness. Bless you.

Brittany:

Yes. Yeah, he's uh, it was quite a, I think sometimes I still, like, I have to, one of I've become really good friends with the two girls before me now, because we're all, it's interesting trauma survivors. Very similar. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, we were all abused by the same person and so we all have that in common and we understand

Elizabeth:

So, so how did you ensure your safety when you were leaving him? Like when you talk about the last time you saw him, when you drove out, how did you ensure your safety or you just kind of like, God bless, like just making a prayer, praying that it's all gonna work out. You're gonna get out. Okay.

Brittany:

Yeah. Yeah. So one of the first things I did, was, and it was almost like a little embarrassing because I just moved into my new place, but probably about a month after moving in, I just let all my neighbors that live all around me know what had happened to me and like what he drove and like, this is not normal. And this car shows up and this, this type of person looks like this shows up. And they were all very, very supportive. They've all been so amazing. Just in my healing journey, I've been so blessed to be on the street. But that was one of the first things. That's great. Yeah. That was one of the first things that I did. And then, you know, I didn't do restraining order and I didn't think I needed one at the time because he already had a new supply. There was no reason for him to, you know, come after me. He was getting his ego fed at that point. So yeah, that was the first thing. And then, just taking care of myself was obviously of, of high importance survival. Right.

Elizabeth:

Um, and you don't have to answer this or I cut this out, but, uh, did, did you end up having to get a restraining order on him? No.

Brittany:

No, not at all. I have not done one yet. You know, the last time I met with, uh, the police officer talked to the detective that, that I've been working with, they always say, if you feel like you need one, you know, like, like you can do one. Right. But he's just so occupied. He's now married and has a baby already.

Elizabeth:

Um, and this, wow, that was very quick with the same person, six days later.

Brittany:

Yes. The baby's already here. Yes. But yeah, I'm, I'm not too worried about it right now because of he's preoccupied. But I think if he knew that I was sharing, you know, I'm, I think I'm the first girl that's ever peeled back the mask of who he is, and not only his abuse, but like the fact that his entire image is false. You know, if he were to know that, then, then that could be a different story of where I would feel that I'm in danger. So.

Elizabeth:

Okay. So. I'm glad that you were able to get out safe and share your safety. So this was a very complicated process. It took time. It's still taking time and there's been waves. Like you said, just two weeks ago, you had your, I had a panic attack thinking about the comp, just the tightness of the car and traffic, thinking about what happened in experience, you happened with him. So, you know, we're recording right after the 11 month anniversary. You're almost at a year. Yes. Now, looking back, how do you feel being alive here today?

Brittany:

Good. I mean, I think, I think when, when hard times happen in our life, we tend to downplay it. Right. It's almost like, agreed. It wasn't that bad ride. It wasn't that bad. And I think by actually admitting to myself, no Britney, it was really fucking bad. Like that is when my healing journey started. When I. When I could admit to myself that no, no, no. What you went through, there's no downplaying of it. You know, like I think even when I got my police report finalized back and I read the statement, so I had to sit down with a police officer and share, you know, everything. I had hours of audio recordings of him abusing me pages of stuff. And when I got back, they, they basically do a body cam on you and film everything. And then, they type up the report. And so when I got my finalized report back, I read the police officer's statement and it said assault. And I just sat there and I was like, you know, wow, like this, you know, I didn't have a name for it. I didn't have a, a term for it. But what I told this officer is considered assault, you know? And, one of the biggest things to know too is that he has, he's a convicted felon for aggravated assault where he tried to strangle someone pretty much. One of his exes and people don't know this, but. People who live through, uh, strangulation, right? Like, let's say strangulation, doesn't kill someone. Um, they're like 600 times more likely to be killed by that person. And so that's just the level of like person we're talking about, you know, this is not like some, oh wow. Some person that pushed you or, you know, the capability that he has is, you know, I mean, he's already done it to one person, you know? And, and I think, when I had to do a da, it's called a dangerous assessment and they sat me down and we went through all these questions, you know, do you feel safe right now where you're at all these, all these sorts of things. And, and, the, the advocate at the center said, do you think he could kill you? And it, it was the fastest I've ever answered a question. And I was like, I do think he could kill me, you know? And I think, oh, when you start saying things like that out loud and not downplaying it. And I think the downplaying, it comes from there's embarrassment, right? There's shame. There's there's guilt. There's like I've gone through all these emotions with myself of why I didn't leave earlier. But I think the healing really started when I admitted to myself how bad it really was.

Elizabeth:

Oh man, you got me goosebumps with the, you could, could comment. So, um, thank you for sharing that. Very, very powerful. Yeah. So. We, we kind of already touched on this a little bit, but how does the trauma still affect you to this day? So you kind of already talked about like, just two weeks ago, like we said, the panic attack, um, we talked about the different, like the way it affects your body ways that you are kind of outta your control. Doesn't matter what exercise or what you do. It's it's, it's the trauma rooted. That's gotta just naturally get away as you heal. Is there any other context or anything else you'd like to add to that and how the trauma has affected you? Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, maybe how, even how you, I'm not saying you're ready to Jump to the dating pool anymore. Right? The second, but even just how it's affected your relationships with people. Mm-hmm

Brittany:

yeah, I think this season I've slept more than I've ever slept in my entire. Okay. That's my body craving the rest that it needs from coming off of, of the, the situation that it was in. Um, I've been way less social. So I've, I've said no to a lot of things and it's not just, it's not that I don't wanna do stuff with people. Like loud noises really affect me now. Like big crowds affect me way more than they used to. So I think it's affected my social life. Obviously the weight gain, you know, just not even recognizing myself that that's something I've struggled with because I've always been a super healthy person, but I think I've told myself, this is something my therapist said. And she said, Brittany, you have to be okay with the gray area of healing. And so what that means is, you know, I uh, I just want the healing journey to be done so I can move on with my life. And that's not how it works. Like healing. She, she said to me, she said, Brittany, what if healing doesn't have a destination? And I was like, oh wow. I've never, I've never thought of that. You know? And trauma, here's the thing with trauma. It's not something you heal with and you forget about, and it's never there. Trauma will always be there. It will always be a part of my life. What I'm learning to do in the healing journey is how to manage it and manage my emotions around it. And my coping mechanisms around it, that that's, that's where the healing journey is. but I think as far as like everyday life, it's even affected my dog. And it makes me so pissed off when I think about it. Um, but she's very. She's very on hyper alert too. So when I was going through everything and getting out, I took her home to my parents' house, because I was hopping around and staying with friends and Airbnbs and stuff, trying to find somewhere. And so my parents said to me, when they were keeping her, they said, um, I remember my dad saying, Brittany, has someone hurt her? Has someone hit her? Because she's just very skittish right now. And it's like, her little body was on such high alert for such a long time too, that we both are still, um, we both still experience it. Like, I'll give you another good example. This probably happened like four or five months ago. But. Something fell very loud in my house. And this is a good example of how the body stores trauma. So I, when the sound was over, I like kind of. got up. I was literally in a fetal position on the ground with my hands over my head. And so I didn't realize what had happened, but I was like, oh my gosh, my body was reacting to that danger very quickly. And it just made me think back to a lot of times when he was like yelling, I would like step back away from him. It's like, your body knows when it's in danger. And so, um, so yeah, I mean, it still affects, it still affects my daily life. Um, as far as the dating life, I mean, I've been out to dinner with like two people. I actually have a date, this week, which is exciting, but I think, you know, I, I don't wanna, I, I don't feel like I'm a hundred percent yet of who I, who I really am. And, and I don't wanna dump this on someone else right now, too. And so I've been very cautious about that and saying, I'm gonna focus on myself right now and healing myself, and that will happen when it's supposed to happen. But yeah.

Elizabeth:

And I think that's perfectly okay. Baby steps. I, I, I, I love that you were putting yourself out there, even if you're like, Hey, I know I'm not ready for anything serious, but just getting comfortable with the companionship. Like, that's gonna take a second to build that trust. So it seems like you have a, a good, a good grasp, not, I don't know if grasp was the right word, but a, a good approach to the timing that it takes. And I just wanna go back and, and say one thing that you said that, oh, my God gave me goosebumps was the gray area of healing. That is such a real true thing. I know I've experienced it too. And just my mental struggles and, and different things that I've had overcome. So I appreciate you offering that wisdom and that, that, um, that part of your story, cuz I think is something that we tend to forget and tend to wanna speed because especially if we're in a really bad spot, really crappy, shitty spot, it's like, okay, I wanna be better. I wanna be ready to go. You know, let's go, let's go. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. It takes time and, and, and you're gonna be. Here. Okay. Wow. Wow. And then every once in a while, maybe you'll even have like a low moment where you're like, well, shit, it's been a year and a half. Why is this so happening? So it's really beautiful. Thank you for sharing that.

Brittany:

yeah. Thank you. I know. It's so funny. I literally, you know, I mean, I'm like type a, so I was like, okay, I'm gonna sign it for this therapist and I'm gonna do this trauma inform yoga, and I'm gonna read this, I'm gonna read these books. And I'm like, but I've done. You know, I remember telling my therapist, I was like, but I'm doing everything I was supposed to be doing. Why is it not going away? You know? And I think that's just where I've had to give myself grace. but, but yeah, I mean, I'm still, you know, I'm about to meet up with a, a new somatic therapist. I mean, there's always something, but I've tried a lot of different things and we can, we can share a lot of the stuff I've done. You know, in my healing journey, I'd love to share with people and things that have helped me. So.

Elizabeth:

Yeah. Well, do you wanna share the different things that you've done? I was gonna say with the, with the gray area of healing, you're building this toolkit and you seem like the kind of person who's gonna share that with the world. So, yeah, like let's talk about it. What kind of different things have you seen, like been successful that has worked, however deep or low you wanna go? Let's do it.

Brittany:

Yeah. Yeah. Um, so the first thing, obviously getting a therapist but I can even, I can even tell you the difference in a normal therapist. Who's great, by the way. One of my former ones too, the one I'm working with now with domestic violence, like it's just like night and day. Like they just understand so many things. So getting someone who specializes in domestic violence, domestic abuse, um, is awesome. As far as body work, like I've just been trying to, this is what I tell myself, cuz I'm, I'm used to working out. But because my, my nervous system was so unregulated, like putting like hard workouts was actually not good for me because it was putting more stress on my body.

Elizabeth:

Oh, interesting. Yes.

Brittany:

Yes. So basically what I've been doing is just, I, I tell myself, am I, am I moving my body today? So just even if it's light movement, like I've been doing a lot of light movement over the last year and that's just walking. I try to get out at least once or twice a week and what I, what I call grounding. So it's earthing and that's basically where you put your feet on the earth, you know, and it, it helps heal any inflammation in your body. I've also worked with an emotion code practitioner, so I don't know if you've ever heard of these interesting, but they know I haven't. Yeah. So, um, they basically help you tap into the emotions that are stored in your body, and help release those. So, um, that's been something I've done. It was eye opening.

Elizabeth:

The first write that down. I'm gonna write that.

Brittany:

Yes. Yes. It's called a motion code practitioner. The first time I did it, I was like, and I'm, I'm really woo, woo. Anyways, I'll try anything. But I was like, how is this gonna work? Like, how is she gonna tap into my body? And, and, um, the first session she knew nothing about me. She knew nothing about my situation and she could tell me what emotions, where they were in my body who placed them there. She literally said, you wow. And she could tell me the timeframe and it happened and everything. Oh, wow. Three things she did was like, I mean, like dead on. So I've, I've done that. I've read just about every book on narcissism. And I think one reason I've done that is because for me, I'm someone who has to understand things before I heal from them. Yeah. And so understanding what happened to me, big picture. and how these people operate, was very, very helpful for me too. I see that, like I said, yeah, I've given myself a lot of rest, a lot of rest. Like, I go to bed at eight 30 every night. I, I've never gone to bed that early. But my body just needs. Yeah. My body just needs it right now. And so just giving myself grace, um, I journal a lot. I write a lot. It's very healing. Um, that's another thing that I've done. And then obviously having a good support system, the office of family safety center is amazing. there. I literally, um, emailed them before doing this podcast with you and kind of went over everything. And they're just, they're so great about empowering, you know, people's voices and that I love friends. My sister's been there for me, you know, just people who would send me cards in the mail and, and things like that have just all helped my healing journeys. So.

Elizabeth:

So network, if not just personal, but not to say that the, the office of family safety center hasn't been turned into relationship, family tests, so to speak, but a support system in all different areas. That's, that's really beautiful. And I just wanna say that the whole reading thing, I'm the same, I'm the same way. Like I like to read. I, it helps me understand, so I, you're not crazy for that. I totally, I am the same. I'm the same way I am the same way also, because my mind is always like constantly going and it, like, when I read it kind of keeps me right there streamlined to what it is. So it's like easy. I, I don't know. I, I regurgitated a lot better.

Brittany:

it's okay. That's okay.

Elizabeth:

So what advice would you give to yourself now, looking back, you are almost a year out of this and you've come a long way and maybe there's a little bit more distance. You gotta go. But what, what's the advice you would give to yourself? Because I also think that's advice that others might need to hear.

Brittany:

Yeah, I would say, first of all, go with your gut feeling. There were a lot of things that happened at the very beginning. When I look back on them, that just gave me like an unsettling feeling, you know, things that I kind of questioned in my mind. And I was like, well, this is not adding up and this is not adding up, but it's, it's not like you're gonna go check someone's yearbook right. Of, of who they are. So I would say number one, go with your gut feeling. And number two is really, really sad to say, but always do a background check on someone. It, it's sad. We have to do this nowadays, but, I think it's better to be safe than sorry. If, if I would've known that mine had an abusive past, there's no way I would've gone on a date with him. I would've continued dating him. Right. You know, and, and because things like this, like this is not just, you know, he went to jail for marijuana or a DUI, all the silly things we did when, you know, people make mistakes growing up. This was no, no, no. He tried to harm someone else, you know? And, and the details of, of that incident that I found myself, by the way, by doing a white pages background check for$20. Wow. Um, and drove, drove to the courthouse and got the entire papers and read the entire police statement. It was very, yeah, a, a lot to take in of the details that happened. But yeah, I mean, I think just looking back at myself, like don't be afraid to, to reach out for help. I mean, I think a lot of it has to do with pride and I think a lot of it had to do with, well, I don't wanna bother someone else, you know, and then hearing about my relationship problems or, you know, we, I think we've always been taught too, right? Like relationships take work and, and those sorts of things, but, but there's a difference in, in something like that and healthy and, and what's not healthy. I would also say, please, please, please educate yourself on domestic abuse, what it is, what the definition of it is, what it looks like, where you go for help there's hotline numbers. You can call, the number for the domestic, violence hotline. The national one is 1 807 9 9 7 2 3 3. Um, but I think just educating yourself. So even if it's not, you, you know, this is an interesting thing to think about Elizabeth, but I was like, I never, in a million years thought something like this would happen to me ever, ever. Right, right. I'm right. I'm highly educated. I own my own business. I have a support system, you know, like, I, I was so ignorant about who this happens to how it happens. And I think if I could go back, like I wish there would've been a class in college, or I wish there would've been someone that sat me down and said, Hey, these are the signs. So even if you don't think it's gonna happen to you, right. Just know because of the stats and one in four women, it's gonna happen to someone, you know? And so absolutely that's what I would, I would give advice on too, is to educate yourself about it.

Elizabeth:

And, you know, to be fair, it's, it's easy to think, like that will happen to me because yeah, you're educated. This and this. I have a good head on my shoulders. I have a good read on people. I'm in touch with my intuition. Like I can pick up. But the thing about these narcissists sociopaths is they, they, for the lack of better words, they bamboozle you. Like let's, let's be for real. So, um, so trust that gut, if something doesn't, if something doesn't seem right, chances are, it's not, um, one in four that that's a scary statistic.

Brittany:

Mm-hmm yep, definitely. You're right. I think that's the whole. You know who they are as, as people and, and thinking, you know, I'm smarter than that. Or, you know, if, if a, if a girlfriend were to come up to me and say, Hey, like, this is happening to me, I'd be like, well, pack your shit and leave. Right. Like, that's crazy. But to think that I was actually in it, you know, and I went back multiple times, like, it's just it's mind blowing, but it's, it's all a mind game. It's all a mind game. It's all, a trauma bond. It's they they're, they're very, very good at, at, at the game of being really,

Elizabeth:

really bad people. they're really good at being bad. yes. Yes.

Brittany:

Goodness. My, my, my wrote the textbook on it. So right. But I think it, it's more about awareness and you know, what I'm taking from this and what I'm learning from this. mm-hmm and I think the biggest thing is this it's so interesting because it's almost like I'm trying to think of the way to describe this. It's like a full circle. So I speak for a living. and as a survivor, now it's all about using your voice and speaking up. And so it's like the weirdest connection for me. Like, yeah. I don't know. It's hard to explain. Um,

Elizabeth:

it's a weird parallel for

Brittany:

sure. It is. Yes, it is. And I think, um, speaking up and using my voice for me is not only for me, like, I've thought about this and it's for the two women before me who didn't get to speak up mm-hmm you know, because they, they were still living in fear mm-hmm um, and, and just, you know, had a lot of different feelings and emotions around their experience. And so when I'm speaking up and when I'm doing stuff like today, it's not only for me, but it's for the two women who went before me and just the relationship and the, the, the big impact they've played on my healing journey too. So

Elizabeth:

that's beautiful. Do you know what I hear? Like when you, when you, when you say all this, I hear a story of resilience. It's more than just a story of overcoming. It's a story of resilience. It's a story of. Finding or keeping the power you always had and not losing it. I mean, it's, it's a very powerful story and, you know, 11 months seems like forever, but I have a feeling that there's a lot of people that took them a little bit longer than that. So I, um, thank you for kind of paving the way and, and, and being, being okay to share what you've experienced, because I'm, I'm sure it's a little traumatic even just to kind of relive some of these moments and, and kind of even talk about the healing and, and the whole process. You know what I mean? The aftermath is just as bad as the, the, the, the in between, you know what I mean? So,

Brittany:

yeah. Yeah. I, I appreciate that. Thank you. I know just some stuff I've shared, like I've felt it throughout my whole body, just sitting here, it's like, it's crazy to explain, but, um, I appreciate you like having me on, because I think it's, it's people like you that are gonna give us, you know, platforms and opportunities to share this that are gonna, you know, impact other people and help educate other people. So I just appreciate you, like, just being open to, to helping me tell my story and, and the healing journey from it.

Elizabeth:

well, I hope I could create a safe environment. So thank you for saying that. But you know, my, my thing is, is lifting up voices that need to be heard in, in that are going through situations that we're all going through one in four women. Literally we are all going through it. That's, that's a very close demo demographic. So our statistics, excuse me. So, um, I'm glad that this was a space that you felt comfortable to share. And I know that your words are gonna be impactful. I know your words are gonna be powerful. And the more you go down this journey, like you said, you're speaker and the more healing, the more you explore and uncover by yourself and this whole, this whole thing that happened to you, you are gonna change people's lives and you are gonna empower people to want to better themselves and get out of it. So, um, I'm getting like emotional, sorry. That's weird. by any help,

Brittany:

I appreciate it. I'll share this with you because after I left, we had emailed back and forth a couple of times, cuz there were some things that, that got left at his house. I, I sent someone to get the big furniture. There's a lot of stuff that got left, but, but we were emailing back and forth. And I just, the, the very last thing I emailed to him was you've abused me. And when I'm fully killed, I will tell my story. And so that's the last thing I, I said to him. And so it's very, like, okay, this is really happening now, you know, this is kind of like full circle. And I think the coolest thing in that is like, hopefully my hope is that it helps other people, it helps educate other people. And even if it's just one person, you know, gets out of an abusive relationship from this, like, I feel like that that's totally worth it to me, you know? but I, I just, I don't know. It it's so many women are silenced and, and, and men too. Right. But so many women are silenced cause they, they live in fear of their abusers and their abusers still. Not being able to speak up. It's almost like they still have power over then. And, and if one thing's gonna come from this, like he no longer controls me. He no longer controls me. Yes. This is my story to share, and I'm gonna share it and I'm gonna share the details of it. You know, I'm gonna share the things that happened. Yeah, it's very, it's very empowering. It's very exhausting. It's very emotional. It's very there's so there's so many, there's so

Elizabeth:

many feelings around. I have goosebumps from everything you just said, FYI, I don't know if you saw me, but I was like pointing to my arm. Like that was, I got shivers through my whole body through that. So I am so glad that you had the last word in that sense. That's very powerful. So Brittany, uh, are there before we close out on the episode, and I know this is just the start. Well, this is not just the start for Brit Tucker, but this is the start in your power journey with this. Is there any last words you'd like to, to say to anybody listening, maybe anybody who is experiencing this and you're hitting some nerves that make making them kind of think introspectively or also anybody who's listening, who knows someone who's going through anything you'd like to lead, um, audience with?

Brittany:

Of course, yeah. I'd say first of all, you're not alone. okay. So I think sometimes people feel very alone in these situations. Um, you're not alone and you're listening to this, like, please feel free to DM me. Like, I'm more than happy to talk to you. If you feel like you're in a relationship like this, like I will totally get on the phone with you. But know that you're not alone. Know that you've gotta give yourself grace, know that it's okay to leave there's resources out there, right. Especially if you're not in the financial situation, like there are places out there that will help you. And just that you have a voice and you exist for a reason and, and that no matter what your abuser has said to you, know that, that it's not true. and I think that is one thing that, when I reached out to the two women before me, I knew who he had dated and I reached out to them and I just said, Hey, I'm Brittany, you don't know me. I think we have similar stories of dating someone. I just got out of the abusive relationship. I'd love to talk to you. If, if you'd be open to talking to me and one of the women, the first thing she said back to me was his name. And I said, yes. And, and then she said, I'm glad you're still alive. That was the first thing she said to me. Oh, and the second thing she said to me is, what was, it was like the lies he said about you or the way he made you feel is not true. And I think that's something that I would share with people, you know, like it's not whatever you've been told, whatever you've been made to feel like that's not who you are. This is just who these, what these people are really good at and what they do to, to feed their own ego. It's, it's a, it's a monster way. That's the only way to describe it. But you don't have to believe any of the things that they've said about you or, or the way that they've treated you, because it's absolutely not true. absolutely.

Elizabeth:

That was beautiful. Perfect. What a great message to end on. So, uh, you kind of mentioned that people could follow you, reach out to you. So where can, where can everybody find you, Brittany? Yeah,

Brittany:

so I I'm a millennial, so I live on, I live on Instagram. It's brighter with bread. I do have a TikTok. I think I have like one video up. I'm not, I'm not there yet. Um, but yeah, brighter with Brett TikTok is hard. I know I have a website it's actually going under construction right now. So, um, so brighter with Bri would be, be the best place, but yeah, I'm here to help anyone that, that needs the help.

Elizabeth:

And I'll make sure to link all of your stuff in the show notes, along with the resources and we'll connect over that to make sure we get all the right ones. Well, if I haven't said it enough already, Brittany, thank you so much for joining us today on the, in between podcast, sharing your story, sharing your, your power, your words, your energy, it's beautiful. It's, it's positive, it's healing. And I know that it doesn't always look like that every day. So thank you so much. And, you know, hopefully I'll get you back on the pod eventually. And I, I look forward to seeing you continue to thrive and, and just go out there and kill it.

Brittany:

awesome. Thank you, Elizabeth. Your rockstar.

Elizabeth:

Thank you for listening to the, in between podcast. If you enjoy today's episode, please go leave a review. Like subscribe, follow on apple, Spotify, Google, anywhere, and everywhere you listen to your podcasts. And if you'd like to keep up with me, you can follow me on Instagram at Between pod. That's in dot between pod on Tik TOK in between podcast. And guess what? We're on video now. So check me out on YouTube. And without further ado, I will see you all beautiful people next Wednesday, for another episode or the in-between podcast. I'm Elizabeth Cheney and I'll talk to you later.

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