57: Real Food Story: Conquering Eating Disorders in Midlife with Jen Hardy

Do you ever feel like midlife equates to a war with your body and food?

Join me as I dive into this sensitive conversation with the remarkable Jen Hardy. She's not just a podcaster, speaker, and mom of seven, but also a brave survivor of eating disorders, and body image issues. Jen reveals her journey towards self-love, acceptance, and how she managed to turn the tables on societal and familial pressures about weight.

In our candid chat, Jen brings to light her perspective on reshaping our relationship with our bodies and food. She shares her unique approach to help her daughters develop a positive body image, and how she discovered that she was not alone in her struggles. We also uncover how her life experiences, including pregnancy and raising children, have helped her regain control over her weight and her life.

In the midst of midlife, we also discuss the importance of focusing on the positives, and how shifting our perspective to self-love and acceptance can change our relationship with our bodies and food. Jen highlight the vital role of having someone in our lives who can guide us to love ourselves as we are. Because at the end of the day, self-love and acceptance are the keys to a peaceful life.

Listen in, and get ready to embark on your journey towards self-love and acceptance with us.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:41

Hey everybody and welcome back. Today I have a real food story with fellow podcaster and speaker, jen Hardy. Jen is a woman in midlife, a mom of seven, and has spent a lot of her years battling eating disorders, body image and anorexia, and has a really profound story around how she has made peace with food. I hope you take a listen to this heartfelt and meaningful story, especially if you feel like you are also battling the eating disorder rollercoaster. Hey everybody, I am here today with Jen Hardy.

Speaker 1: 1:34

Jen Hardy is a podcast host, author, speaker and community builder devoted to helping women over 50 discover their full potential and reclaim their power. She is the host of the fabulous over 50 podcast, where she provides actionable tips and advice that will help you level up in your career, relationships and life. She's also the host of the medical gaslighting podcast, which aims to educate and empower people with chronic illness and pain. But on a personal note, jen is also a woman in midlife who has struggled with anorexia and, like me, is looking to open up the dialogue on women and eating disorders, especially in midlife.

Speaker 1: 2:22

Eating disorders are complicated and complex and talking about them out loud often helps to spell the shame and stigma around them. Jen, thanks so much for coming on the podcast today and I know we're gonna have a great conversation. I also know that we're about the same age, so you know both women in midlife and I know that we could probably talk all day about body image and eating issues and kids and family and marriage and all the things that happen to women in menopause, in midlife. But let's just first jump into the important part of your story and your history with eating disorders. So do you just want to just start from the beginning and just tell me how it all went down?

Speaker 2: 3:09

Yeah, so I was raised in Orange County, like right on the border of Orange County in Los Angeles, and I attribute some of it to that only because I've lived in another part of the country where things aren't so intense about everything being perfect, because and it could have been our crowd like I'm not saying that everyone from that area is like that, you know, but everything, it felt like everything had to be perfect, right, I mean even your lawn, like the lines in your lawn when you had Moet had to be. It was a thing. And back then in the 80s, there was a phrase that said you could never be too rich or too thin. And I remember as a kid, because I started worrying about my weight when I was about 11, I remember they had, you know, those after-school specials. They'd have those movies about things to try to warn you about. And there was one about this girl with anorexia and she was 80 something pounds and boned and I remember thinking if I could only get to that, like that is my goal. And you know I didn't say it out loud because part of me knew that you shouldn't say certain things out loud, you know. But also there was this pressure to be so thin and when I was growing up, my mom was an average weight and not really heavy. I mean, probably 10 pounds heavier than she could have been. But my dad was very like this is so nasty, fat is so gross, so disgusting. And so between the culture and my family, I really really took that on and at 5'8" I was 120 pounds and felt like I was obese. So I think I always I also have that body dysmorphia disorder when I look in the mirror because I see what other people don't see, which is about an extra 50 or 100 pounds, and that's gotten a lot better Since I've gotten older. It's been really interesting.

Speaker 2: 5:02

In fact, a few years ago we moved to Florida and where I live in Florida it's so wonderful because there's all these retired women here, you know, and there's women wearing bikinis that are like 80 and they are not pencil thin, they are themselves and they are just completely at home in their body. And there was something about being in this atmosphere that really made me loosen up and realize, hey, wait a minute, I'm 30 years older or younger, 40 years younger than some of these women and they're not worried about themselves. Why am I so worried? And I finally relaxed and I was the heaviest I'd ever been and I went to my gynecologist and he said you know, you're overweight, I'm going to give you some diet pills because you really need to lose weight. And, man, that threw me in a tailspin, because I mean, it had literally been 40 years of my life that I struggled with anorexia and now I didn't tell him, because there's a shame that I'm not with those with all of that and so I have just recently started talking about it.

Speaker 2: 6:12

But I think that it's so important that we do like you said. We need to talk about it because I'm not the only person. There's a lot of other people out there and the things that you do to your body when you're going through that are things that are just shredding it on the inside, and it's so important that women learn how to make peace wherever you are. And I think there's a difference in saying I'm 400 pounds and I'm going to celebrate that Right, because I think there's a certain point when you're not healthy but at the same time, you are you and you are beautiful and you're the woman you're made to be wherever you are, or man, and that's something that we need to start telling each other.

Speaker 1: 6:54

Absolutely. I mean there's such a stigma. I mean there's so many facets of your story already. I mean just feeling, you know, you said you moved to Florida and you just felt like peace and that you see these women who are in their 80s wearing bikinis and they feel really at peace. They don't care, you know they and the only person that are probably looking, who's looking at them, is themselves. I mean they just don't, they don't have that same issue, you know.

Speaker 1: 7:26

But then you went to go see your doctor who had to make a point to say, you know, probably looked at some charts, you know, and you need to lose weight. And I understand, doctors are not nutritionists, right, doctors are not psychologists and they they don't always have the best bedside manner, right, they're not thinking about how that's going to like like rock your psyche, but nonetheless it does. You know, it does. I mean we're contending with that with social media, just pressure to just be thin in this country. And let's go back a little bit when you said you know I grew up in the 80s too, you know. So I know exactly what you're talking about.

Speaker 1: 8:11

I think I remember that commercial of, like you know, the warnings of the girl who was really thin, and I know you said your father really had some phobia around that. Tell me a little bit more about that. I mean, do you feel like that's where it really started? I'm, I'm curious about the origins of some of these eating disorders and it's. I mean, we're almost we're just working at such a disadvantage as women, you know even from the start.

Speaker 2: 8:42

Yeah, well, I think you know. I mean, back then there was, like you know, we didn't have the internet right. So so now, oh my goodness, help these girls right.

Speaker 2: 8:52

But we have the magazines, you know 17 magazine and all these things, and you know how to diet, how to do this, how to be looked at or how to, whatever, and the pictures of all these girls, I mean good night. You know, I was, I was five, eight, like I said, 120, and they were the same height and like 20 pounds less than I mean, they were just bones and that was our example. But you know, then at home, we went to the beach. I was at the beach every weekend, we had a pool, we were constantly around other people and I'm in a bathing suit, and I think, you know, do you just have this, this mentality of being perfect, right? And and I'm a perfectionist, that is something that I have just recently learned about myself is that I really need everything to be perfect, and so and that goes for my home and my body, right, and so my idea of perfect was specifically Christy Brinkley, and I mean she's beautiful, which is interesting because now Christy Brinkley is selling all these lifts and things that you can do, and I had gone to a family practice doctor after I had made peace with all this before my doctor told me I needed to lose weight. This is a different doctor and her whole lobby is filled with posters of Christy Brinkley telling me that I should lose weight. And I'm thinking, okay, look, I'm trying so hard. But I think you know, when we start having these conversations with other women and we talk about it, I think it's so much better.

Speaker 2: 10:24

And we talked to our girls. You know my daughter had come to me. I've got it. I've got seven children and four of them are girls. And the deal that I made with my girls was because each one of them had come to me relatively young say between eight and 12, depending on the daughter and said do I look fat? And the thing I said was you look healthy. But I'll make you a deal because I know what it's like to worry. So I'll keep an eye on your weight and if you seem like you're gaining weight, you and I will have a conversation about how we can adjust your diet or help you move more. But I don't want you to ever worry about that. And it seemed to really help because it took the pressure off of they, didn't feel like they had to look in the mirror and check all the time Am I getting fat? Because mom's going to let me know, and I never had to. So that was good.

Speaker 2: 11:17

But I also did a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing was I was very pro whatever your body is with my children, but didn't realize. At the same time I, consistently outwardly, was talking about my shortcomings, how I was overweight, how I was this, and I was that Thinking that if I just told them they were fine, that it was fine and really that's not healthy either. But the other thing we did was no more clean plate club. We do not do that, and if you're full, you stop eating and you can leave food on your plate. Now, if you're going to leave half your dinner on your plate, you're not going to get dessert. We don't play that game.

Speaker 2: 12:05

But I wanted them to realize when they were full, because in my house you ate what you were given and you had to clean your plate or you couldn't get it from the table.

Speaker 2: 12:16

I mean, you could sit there for two days if you wanted to, but you're not getting up. And so because of that, I really was ingrained that I had to eat what was put in front of me, and so my version of anorexia was I wouldn't eat my own thing, I would have dinner with my family, but then I did the whole laxative thing and it really tore up. My whole GI system is completely torn up, to the point that I'm going to need surgery and I keep putting it off. But that's how bad, because you can't do that for 40 years. That's not what those things are made for, and I think for me that part of what I went through was so embarrassing because it involves laxatives and what that entails. But what I didn't realize is other people do that too, and I thought I was the only one who had figured that out. But it turns out that there are hundreds of thousands of people that do the same thing, and it just makes me so sad.

Speaker 1: 13:14

It's a lot, but you realize right, you're probably not alone. I mean there's.

Speaker 2: 13:20

Yeah, I know now that I'm definitely not alone and it's interesting because I did lose. When the doctor put me on medicine. I did lose 30 pounds. I also had a heart attack in a stroke because of the medicine, so I don't encourage people to take it. What medicine was that?

Speaker 2: 13:40

Fentermene, so it's half of what was in fen fen, but he's like it's perfectly safe because it's only half of what was killing people. Well, it's not perfectly safe. And so I had been doing really well with my weight. But then when he said that I lost the 30 pounds, I still have about 10 to lose, had the heart attack, had it figured out after the stroke oh, I need to get off this medicine. But there's still that little voice in the back of my head every once in a while that's like you really should lose the rest of this weight. And so I thought I'm going to jump back on that medicine just for a few weeks.

Speaker 2: 14:18

And I have an Apple watch and my heart was like and I thought okay, really it is time to make peace with your body.

Speaker 2: 14:26

And I really just made a conscious decision that I would rather be exactly as I am and be living than take the chance on being thinner, and not because that's really where I was at. And well, when that's the decision, it's real a much easier to make peace with. And so I feel, you know, I feel good and I've gone out. You know, because we're here, we're on an island, three blocks from the beach, we have a pool, like when I was growing up, and so I've realized different bathing suits fit different ways. So I found the kinds of bathing suits that make me feel really good about myself and I wear those. And when these issues pop up, I talked to my husband because he's very, very reassuring and I'm very confident in his body that is somewhat overweight, but you know he feels good about who he is and it really helps me. So if you're listening, thinking that you're really struggling, find somebody. Find somebody you can talk to, who can tell you how beautiful you are just the way you are, because I think that's so important.

Speaker 1: 15:33

Yeah, that's a really great point Because I think that there's there's just so much like secret, right, and exactly.

Speaker 2: 15:40

It's all secret and you might talk to five friends and find out three of them have the same problem Because we know, you know we don't talk about it. And another thing you know people always say, well, you know, self-esteem and all and confidence comes from inside. But my firm belief is that if you've had voices family or teachers or friends or bullies or whatever telling you over and over these negative things, that becomes your voice and sometimes you need someone from the outside to break that cycle. You know it's like control all the lead right. This is me saying you are perfect the way you are. If no one hears you know, if no one said that to you, I think you need to listen and hear that.

Speaker 1: 16:25

Yeah, it needs to come from within. I mean first and foremost. I mean right, seeking outside help. But all the outside help, I mean people can say like no, you look great, you look fabulous. But if it's not coming from a belief that's inside you, that's really hard to maintain that and you know. So we need to practice how to just be kind to ourselves and it's a hard world to contend with when we've got so much going on on social media.

Speaker 1: 16:59

And let's talk about Kristi Brinkley. I mean have you seen her on social media lately? I mean she looks fabulous, I guess. You know she looks just. You look at, I mean how old is she? In her 70s, you know. And then here we are, in her 50s, and like I'm never going to look like that, you know, like it's just really difficult. I mean it's really just for anybody. But then when you've been later on, then like an eating disorder that you've been living with since childhood, then it becomes even more difficult to untangle. But I want to go back to, because you just shared a lot and I appreciate it. But I want to go back to. You know, you said that you were about five, eight and 120 pounds, which in my nutrition world is very thin and I'm just wondering how, how were you? I mean, that must have been really difficult to maintain. Oh yeah, I didn't eat.

Speaker 2: 17:58

Okay, yeah, I didn't eat. And then when I did, I would do the like massive laxative thing but yeah, I did not eat. In fact I, yeah, if my parents asked I would only eat when they ate, I wouldn't eat on my own. And then when I lived on my own, oh my goodness, I would go. I had potatoes and nonfat yogurt and the only meal I would have a potato with nonfat yogurt on it, like that's all I ate and I mean that's not really a good way to eat, but it kept me at the, it helped me maintain. And then, you know, the people at work would go out for lunch or whatever, and that way I could eat but not gain weight.

Speaker 1: 18:34

Yeah, and it sounds like this. I mean, clearly it was becoming almost impossible to maintain. But then you. But then by the time that you were more of an adult and a mom and you went to the doctor and they said you need to lose weight. So what? Tell me what happened in between that, you know? Because I think when people think of anorexia right, they think of like being really underweight, skin and bones, but I think anorexia can have its. I mean, I think anorexia is almost mentality.

Speaker 2: 19:03

It is? Oh yeah, because so I had. I gave birth to six children in between then, and so and I'll tell you what the happiest time I ever was was when I was pregnant and because and I used to tell people, but they didn't really understand the depth of what I was saying it was the only time that I could gain weight and have peace with it. And so it was what was really weird Every pregnancy all six I gained exactly 44 pounds, which is a heck of a lot of weight to gain. And then, after my first daughter, I was 140 and basically stayed pretty close to that. And then, yeah, and then, once I had my, I had my fifth and sixth in my forties, and that was really hard to lose that weight afterwards.

Speaker 2: 19:50

Um, yeah, so, but the anorexia, yeah, so you, you don't have to always be super skinny. It's basically this self focus all the time. You're constantly thinking about food and your weight, looking in the mirror and thinking how fat you are and how you're going to lose the weight, but you can't always lose the weight. The people that are super skin and bones that you see and you go, oh well, clearly there's an issue there. There's many more people that have it that you don't realize.

Speaker 1: 20:21

Do you feel like just being in midlife, in our fifties, or what's your opinion on that or what's your feeling about that? Uh, you know I, what I've seen, just sort of behind the scenes and observing, is that people have eating disorder issues, you know, maybe like hidden secret. You know they're managing it kind of grow, you know, and then they get, they have kids and they're busy with their kids and so it sort of goes over there and then in your fifties you're an empty nester, you have no kids at home anymore, you don't have that responsibility, and but there's huge pressure to stay thin. Now women are gaining weight you know we're menopause, gaining weight and just can't really figure it out and it's a big trigger for resurfacing eating disorders. What is your thought on that?

Speaker 2: 21:18

Oh, absolutely so. I think there's a few different things that contribute, and one of the other things, too that I didn't talk about but I think is really important is the element of control. So I was raised by alcoholics. One of them was a narcissist. I did not have control over much in my life at all, but I could control how much I weighed, and so if you've got a kid, teenage or whatever, that has no control, right, and as you grow up, you're supposed to have more control, that is something that they can control. That's a big deal.

Speaker 2: 21:50

And so I think, yeah, you know, you're a mom, your weight's going up and down, you're having babies, you're nursing, you're doing all this stuff. You realize I can't control my weight right now. If I die it when I'm pregnant or I'm nursing, like that could mess with my kid. I don't want to mess with my kid, right, which is good, right. But at the same time, you need to stay alive for your child too. But then, come midlife, you're losing control again. Right, your children are leaving your parent. You know, as a parent, you love your child. You've been there every second. You've done everything you can do. It's your job to literally keep them alive and the next thing you know you're not hearing from them.

Speaker 2: 22:28

It might be a week, it might be two weeks, it might be a couple of months, depending on your relationship.

Speaker 2: 22:32

And then you're like, oh my gosh, and then God help you if your husband and you get a divorce, because that happens a lot too. Well, then it spirals, so a lot of those old psychological things that we thought we had taken care of, that are still under there, can resurface. And that's when it gets really hard. I think, you know, I was single around the time I was turning 40 and it was a nightmare trying to get myself together after having kids and stuff. And I can't imagine, yeah, because you know, now we have gravity and you know, once you're 50, things really start changing and it becomes that control thing. I can't control my wrinkles, I can't control the fact that where are my lips going, I don't know, but I can control what goes into my mouth and I think there's a slippery slope there where it could get really easy to be too thin, because you know you see some older women and you're like that does not look healthy.

Speaker 1: 23:31

I agree with you. I think that there's probably a feeling of loss of a lot of control. You know you don't have control of your kids anymore, or maybe your marriage is out of control. You know, maybe you're dealing with your elderly parents and stuff, but the one thing you can control is what goes in and out of your mouth and that can be powerful, as you know.

Speaker 2: 23:51

Yeah, and I have to say like I feel like, depending on the week, 80 to 90% of the time I've got this, but recently things have been kind of chaotic in my house and I find myself thinking about it more and I think you know that just goes back to the control thing, because things are chaotic, you know, and most of the time I feel pretty good in my skin right now I really do. But when I eat especially if I'm eating something like I'm having a dessert or whatever, you know that little voice will creep back into my head and say you know you shouldn't do this, because what if you gained a pan? You know, and I mean there's a certain limit, like if we're going to eat the whole cake, yeah, you should think thoughts like do I really want to do this? But I think it's something, you know, that sticks with you a little bit.

Speaker 1: 24:35

Never goes away.

Speaker 2: 24:37

Yeah no-transcript.

Speaker 1: 24:39

Well, you mentioned a lot of. I mean, there was a. You know you have a lot of pieces to your story and what do you think helped just like break the chain or made you realize this is not working for me? I know you said you were taking laxatives for many, many years and then you started to have some pretty serious health issues around that. Was that it or was there other?

Speaker 2: 25:01

things. That didn't do anything to deter me, as you know, and it sounds awful, but I'm just being honest. You know, absolutely. I married someone who loved me and tells me every day how beautiful I am, and I know they say, you know it's supposed to come from inside. But I had heard so much negative for the first 40 years of my life that having someone come in and say you are absolutely beautiful, and even when I was like nine months pregnant and as big as I've ever been in my 40s, and he was like you are so gorgeous, oh my gosh. And I started thinking, well, maybe I could believe him. You know, maybe I'm not that bad. And then I started looking back at pictures and I thought it's not fat, it's not ugly, I looked pretty good. You know what was? Why did I think I was so awful? And then I thought, okay, well, wait a minute, maybe I'm still not so, you know, maybe I just need to cut that down a little bit Because it took.

Speaker 2: 26:04

It took. There was a lot of pieces that kind of came together. Yeah, but I think having someone counteract the negative that I had heard and, like I said, being in an area where I don't feel the pressure in my immediate neighborhood to fit in with a certain whatever. That's helped as well, a lot, and I think you know we're in a place now where people are trying to talk about this kind of thing, which is why I think it's important to talk about it.

Speaker 2: 26:35

And you know, on social there's a lot of negatives to social, but people are trying to say, whatever you look like, you're beautiful and I think you know, in some parts of me think it, like I said before, it's detrimental if you're extremely overweight. That's not health, but I do like that. They're trying to make girls love themselves, no matter what's going on. It's time that our culture learns that everyone is beautiful. You know there was a song everyone is beautiful in their own way, like they are, we are, and each of us is exactly who we're supposed to be right now and just knowing that and I think I've said that to so many people over the last few years it's finally starting to sink into myself, Right, exactly.

Speaker 1: 27:20

Yeah, I mean I think there's there is some good out of social media, right, there's not. Just, I mean you, can you find what you find on there? If you're looking for disordered eating groupies, you can certainly find that. But there are a lot of people who are speaking out for just body acceptance, and I agree with you. I mean we have to consider that there's health consequences to being very overweight, you know. But we're all doing our best, right, and I don't think anyone is saying that they're not trying in their own way.

Speaker 1: 27:54

So it's um, yeah, I think that we're we're on to something, I think that we're you know, and it starts with just talking it out and talking it out loud, and so it does. It just diffuses it and just makes it not so scary.

Speaker 2: 28:10

Yeah, Because it's hard to talk about. You know, yeah, it's so. You know, I didn't, I didn't want anyone to know and finally, just in the last few months, I've been thinking you know what? It's not just me. I know it's not just me. So maybe you know, if I can help one person either identify it and realize and stop, then it's worth me sharing my story.

Speaker 1: 28:34

Well, it sounds like you put a lot of thought and effort into just being mindful about passing on certain ideals and ideas to your kids, right? I know that you said that you recognized that you were also talking to. You know you were passing like you know, eat healthy and eat. You know, don't worry about your weight, but then you were like badmouthing yourself. But you recognize that and that's also another good first step, right? Is that you see on social media some of these like moms who are like, I think, kind of doing similar, you know, like telling their girls to be healthy, but then they're, you know they're wreaking havoc on their own bodies. But I think overall, you know you are, you are doing your best, you know and you are doing. And I mean, how do you feel like right now, in present day, with all of your eating disorder history? How do you feel like you are today?

Speaker 2: 29:30

I feel like I'm doing pretty well today. So I also have muscular dystrophy and so I'm losing all the muscle in my core area and for me, having a flat stomach like that was, I used to do 250 setups a day, if that just tells you okay, like super intense and In a way it's helping a little bit that I have this and I can't you know it sounds crazy to say, but because I can't do anything about it, it's taken the power and that control. I don't have that, and so I've learned that I can either fight it and beat myself up or I can just say you know what, right now, this is the best it's ever gonna be. I'm getting older, I'm 55. I know what's coming.

Speaker 2: 30:19

I used to take care of my ex-mother-in-law and shower her and whatever. Like I know that this is not bad and you know I am. I may not look like someone on TV, but also I haven't had surgery. I am completely natural and I can honestly say I feel pretty good about that, and so I'm really. I've really made peace and I do have some health issues and because of that I'm just thankful every day I'm here and I've learned that I need to love my body and take much better care of it, so that I can be here longer, because that's my goal.

Speaker 1: 30:53

So cultivating some gratitude about what you do have, and Exactly.

Speaker 2: 30:59

And you know, I was talking to somebody the other day about she's. She's fighting to get the words anti-aging stopped and I was like what is that? Why are you doing that? And she said, but what's the opposite of aging? And I thought, oh well, okay, you know what? So we, we we don't maybe want, we still would like to look younger, right? But also, I am in the pro aging because I want to age. I don't want the opposite, right? And so it's kind of goes along with the same thing. It means that everything is not going to look like it did when I was 20. And I'm okay with that because I'm here and and I feel a lot better. And when I look at pictures now, I look for the good, because before I would look for everything to nitpick in myself, and so now I'm like oh, I really like this or I really like that, and I make a conscious decision to do that and it's helped tremendously.

Speaker 1: 31:52

That's a really nice habit to cultivate for yourself. We should all do that Right. Try to look at what we have rather than what we're missing or what we don't have.

Speaker 2: 32:03

You know, go look in the mirror and find the things you love about yourself and focus on those things, because you know we can always find something we don't like. It's so easy to find things we don't like about ourselves, about other people, whatever. But just find two or three things you love about yourself and enhance that, like you know, really focus and enhance those things and then that's what you're going to notice. That's it.

Speaker 1: 32:29

Great, Dan. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you sharing your story. I know that these stories are not easy to put out in the public, but you're doing a great service by just sharing and I think that's a good first start. Thank you, I appreciate that Great Well. Thanks for being on the show. Thanks for giving me the opportunity.

Speaker 2: 32:50

I really do appreciate it.