Three Questions Your Man Needs to Ask Himself (219)

What if the real thing pushing women away is not what a man says, but what he fails to notice?

In today’s episode, Emilia and Alan share three important questions that can change how men show up in dating and long-term relationships. This conversation is for conscious couples and conscious singles who want more than surface talk and quick fixes. It shines a light on why problem-solving can miss the heart of the moment, why status does not create true connection, and why curiosity, vulnerability, and deep listening matter so much in love.

If you want a healthier relationship from the inside out, this episode will challenge what you think women need and help you see connection in a clearer way. Hit play and let this one hold up a mirror before life does.

Show notes:
(1:41) Three questions men need
(4:23) Stop fixing, start listening
(10:20) Ask what she needs
(14:04) Safety matters more than status
(18:01) The skill that repels women
(20:10) Presence builds long-term connection
(21:04) Outro

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Transcript

Emilia Smith

(0:03) Conscious Couples, business partners, and individuals, welcome to the Conscious Couples podcast where we share our life, love story, and relationship expertise to help you consistently cultivate the most magnificent relationship possible.

Alan Lazaros

(0:18) Never again will you feel hopeless and alone in your intimate relationship challenges. (0:23) We'll help you have the courage to be your authentic self, communicate effectively, and constructively resolve conflict.

Emilia Smith

(0:31) Having accumulated thousands of hours coaching, speaking, podcasting, and hosting live events with Conscious Couples all over the world, Alan and I are here to guide you in all things relationships.

Alan Lazaros

(0:45) Thank you again for tuning into the one place where it's not about you or me, it's about the we. (0:54) Conscious Couples and individuals, welcome back to another episode of the Conscious Couples podcast. (1:01) Today we have episode 219, three questions your man desperately needs to ask himself.(1:07) I added the desperately. (1:08) Before we jump into this episode, I want to remind everyone why we are here. (1:11) We are here to improve our intimate relationship from the inside out.(1:16) Sweetheart, ladies first, what is your intention for today's episode?

Emilia Smith

(1:19) My intention for our listeners and for today's episode is to create a world where we can contemplate these three questions so that men can do better, be better, and be more in love with their partners that are really saying they need support in certain areas. (1:38) These three specific ones.

Alan Lazaros

(1:40) All right, so we have a new Relationship Talks coaching client, a conscious single.

Emilia Smith

(1:46) Shout out to you.

Alan Lazaros

(1:47) Shout out to you, sir. (1:48) And we're very excited. (1:50) And Emilia sent some questions to him.(1:53) This is someone I've been coaching for years. (1:54) And Emilia sent some questions to him. (1:57) He's trying to understand the social world.(1:59) He's trying to understand women. (2:00) He's trying to understand what he keeps doing wrong. (2:03) And this client has been very honest with me about how he gets this same feedback from women over time, which is they just don't feel an emotional connection.(2:11) And I found out through our coaching before he became Relationship Talks coaching that one of the reasons why is because he's not super vulnerable. (2:19) Yeah. (2:20) And so the walls we build to protect ourselves from the wrong people getting in also keep out the right people.

Emilia Smith

(2:27) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(2:27) So he was dating this wonderful woman, first names only, her name was Maggie. (2:32) They went on six or seven dates and it was going really well. (2:36) And she said she doesn't feel a romantic connection.(2:38) And so that humble pie that he got, he was like, you know what, I'm ready to change. (2:42) So he realized Ship Talks coaching is the answer. (2:45) And I said, brother, I don't want to say it works like magic, but I'm telling you right now, get Emilia in your corner and things are going to change.(2:53) It's going to be great. (2:53) Excited. (2:54) So this is the three questions that Emilia started him off with because like a humble, awesome client, he said, what should I prepare?(3:02) Should I get prepared? (3:02) What should I get prepared?

Emilia Smith

(3:03) Yes.

Alan Lazaros

(3:04) I was like, Emilia's going to love this.

Emilia Smith

(3:05) Preparation meets opportunity.

Alan Lazaros

(3:06) I said, Emilia has a small homework assignment. (3:08) I put small in quotes because these are tough questions, but Emilia has a small homework assignment prior to our session. (3:13) I told her that you had watched What Women Want.(3:17) And here's her suggestion questions for you. (3:19) So What Women Want is a movie with Mel Gibson where he gets struck by lightning and suddenly can hear what women think. (3:27) And he thought he was some rock star stud.(3:29) And he realized once he could hear women's thoughts that he was actually very off in his understanding of his own value. (3:36) Yeah. (3:36) Great movie.

Emilia Smith

(3:37) Hilarious too.

Alan Lazaros

(3:38) And we used this for a Relationship Talks event, I think last year.

Emilia Smith

(3:41) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(3:42) And What Women Want, excellent film. (3:45) So these are the questions. (3:46) Number one, what was one sneaky overlooked distinction you learned from the film about what men typically don't understand about women, but think they do?(3:55) Number one. (3:56) Number two, what have men been socially conditioned to care more about that women obviously don't care about at all? (4:02) Cars three times.(4:03) I'm kidding. (4:04) Number three is what skill is underdeveloped in the men that repels women from wanting any long term relationship? (4:11) So his answers, I thought were awesome.(4:13) And he started with humility. (4:14) I gave these questions a lot of thought. (4:15) And to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how to answer these properly.(4:19) Here's what I think using some of my own potential experiences, personal experiences. (4:23) Number one, I think a lot of men don't understand, myself included, is that when women express a problem or concern, our immediate reaction is to solve it or come up with a solution. (4:34) Yep.(4:35) What I've started to try to understand more is that women value being heard and understood. (4:40) On an emotional level, not the logistics of the conversation itself. (4:44) All right.(4:45) So this is going to be an awesome episode already. (4:47) Should we do each? (4:48) I think we should do each answer, then comment.(4:52) I want to give you a response real quick first, though. (4:54) Thank you for giving this a lot of thought. (4:56) These are great.(4:57) And to be clear, at least for now, there is no proper way in this. (5:00) It's all explorative and learning. (5:01) So for the men out there, these are the cheat codes.(5:04) It's rock and roll. (5:05) For the ladies, send this to your man so that he gets his head out of his ass. (5:10) I'm kidding.

Emilia Smith

(5:11) All right. (5:12) So let's repeat the question.

Alan Lazaros

(5:13) Yeah. (5:13) So number one, I think a lot of men don't understand, myself included, is that when women express a problem or concern, our immediate reaction is to solve it or come up with a solution.

Emilia Smith

(5:21) That was his answer. (5:22) What was the question that he's answering?

Alan Lazaros

(5:24) Sorry about that. (5:25) What was one sneaky overlooked distinction you learned from the film about what men typically don't understand about women but think they do? (5:33) Right.

Emilia Smith

(5:34) So what don't men typically understand about women? (5:36) Or whether or not, like, you don't have to watch the film to have your man ask himself these questions. (5:42) What do men typically think they understand?(5:46) That don't. (5:47) They don't. (5:47) That they don't.(5:48) Yeah. (5:48) So what do men miss? (5:49) Go ahead.(5:49) So I love what he said. (5:51) I love how he went immediately to the problem solving because that is something that is so common. (5:59) Women are actually extraordinary problem solvers.(6:02) And so the overlooked distinction, yes, he hits on the head with the fact that women need to be seen, heard, and valued. (6:11) I don't think that that's just women, though. (6:13) Men do too.(6:14) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(6:14) However, We're going to talk just about women today.

Emilia Smith

(6:17) Right. (6:17) The distinction is women not only want those three things, but if you're just focusing in on those three things without an undercurrent actually wanting to hear what her thoughts are around the problem or situation that she's bringing forward, aka being a good listener for the sake of what she actually has to say, that men overlook so often how women are incredible problem solvers. (6:46) Usually they just want someone to bounce ideas or collaborate with to see if there's anything that they're missing when it comes to relationships.(6:56) And men hear a problem or a challenge that women will express. (7:00) And because of their social conditioning, they just go to, oh, let me solve it for them. (7:04) And that has the opposite effect with women.

Alan Lazaros

(7:07) So this is his answer. (7:10) I think a lot of men don't understand, myself included, is that when women express a problem or concern, our immediate reaction is to solve it or come up with a solution. (7:17) We already talked about that.(7:18) What I've started to understand more is that women value being heard and understood on an emotional level, not just the logistics of the conversation itself. (7:27) So surface level logistics versus depth and emotional intimacy, go.

Emilia Smith

(7:34) So the surface level or the details that are being shared, that the women are sharing that so that men, they're essentially putting out their feelers to see how engaged in a collaborative conversation the men are willing to have, or if they're just going to want to jump into that conversation to feed their own eagle, in which case it will turn women off and have her walking the opposite way. (7:52) So let's say, for example, a woman is...

Alan Lazaros

(8:01) Use one of your clients as female.

Emilia Smith

(8:06) OK. (8:07) She's struggling at work. (8:08) She has a struggle, not a struggle.(8:10) She has a challenge at work that she's bringing up. (8:13) So a client of mine, for example, she would bring up, and this actually happened with a past partner who she's since nexted because of this pattern presenting itself. (8:21) She just so happens to be in tech and in sales, which is a male dominated industry.(8:27) So when she had the challenge that she had was learning the nuances of the role that she had in the specific role that she had. (8:38) For lack of a better word, she went from an entry position to a higher position to another higher position. (8:43) And she was with her partner when she was mid-level.(8:46) Now she's more senior, if you will. (8:49) And so the challenges that she's experiencing with her clients are a little bit nuanced and a little bit different than what she's formerly ever had to solve. (8:59) So her expressing the challenge of, OK, my people that I'm selling to this account, they're having a challenge with, without kind of giving away the details, I'm having a hard time with the script of what I need to say to that client or I'm having a difficult time really sharing with my sellers or my partners how this specific technical product works.(9:22) And she would share that pretty much ideating around what is the talk track that you might have or what are some of the things that I'm missing in how I'm going about solving this. (9:33) And her past partner initially would jump on that and say, here's a script that I use with these sellers and these partners. (9:40) This is what I do.(9:42) This is this is all you need to set. (9:43) You just need to do X, Y, Z and it's solved. (9:46) And she literally it's like.(9:48) I didn't actually specifically ask for all that.

Alan Lazaros

(9:52) OK, real quick. (9:53) So so in this case, is the man more successful than her? (9:57) In some areas.(9:58) OK, not all though. (9:59) OK, but he's presupposing he knows better. (10:02) Correct.(10:02) And instead of actually listening and going deeper and asking more questions. (10:05) Correct. (10:06) And so typically a woman would go to her girlfriends instead to discuss this if she couldn't go to her man.(10:13) Is that fair?

Emilia Smith

(10:14) Yeah. (10:15) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(10:15) So what does she actually want out of the conversation? (10:18) So he thinks she wants a solution. (10:19) What does she actually want?

Emilia Smith

(10:20) She actually wants validation that the way in which she's thinking about it is logical based on what he has gathered. (10:32) What she's saying in in how she's feeling about it is, in fact, like fair, given the fact that they both also share an industry.

Alan Lazaros

(10:43) If you were talking to her, we have seen, understood, valued, appreciated. (10:48) What do you believe he could have said to help her feel seen, understood, valued and appreciated?

Emilia Smith

(10:54) And the last thing on that was that she's actually doing an incredible job, given the fact that in the last three months she's been able to have that level of success. (11:05) What he could have said in that situation is something along the lines of, wow, that's incredible that you were able to do that with those clients. (11:16) Like what made you think about the solution in that way?(11:22) What are some of the things that you're considering? (11:24) Help me understand a little bit more about what specifically you're struggling in. (11:29) And he could have asked this would have been so helpful.(11:33) Are you coming because are you coming to me and you want to talk about this because you want to be seen and celebrated? (11:38) Or is this a problem that you want me help helping to solve? (11:41) That question just diverts the whole attention because men tend to have that.(11:46) Let me go down the immediately assume that assumption down the problem solver road. (11:51) And that one question can go that can help you go down the let me see here and understand you and celebrate you truly.

Alan Lazaros

(12:00) Correct me if this is not the right way to frame it from a female's perspective. (12:05) But one of them is let's express and share. (12:08) Tell me more.(12:09) And the other one is let's actually solve it. (12:12) And I think express and share often helps you understand it at a deeper level so that you can solve it. (12:18) And so emotional depth is created from the sharing and the expression.(12:22) The solving is logistical later. (12:25) Fair?

Emilia Smith

(12:26) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(12:26) And again, the only reason why I'm jumping in so much is because we have time constraints today. (12:31) So what you knew and anticipated.

Emilia Smith

(12:33) All right.

Alan Lazaros

(12:33) So next question.

Emilia Smith

(12:34) Also, in your defense, this is or in my defense, this is also really tricky to explain and share because it is while it is straightforward. (12:44) I'm trying to express from a woman's perspective while also being in the mind of a male. (12:50) And I don't know how to do that.(12:51) So I'm just trying to share what I currently know based on what my male clients have shared with me and what the female clients have shared with me as well.

Alan Lazaros

(13:00) So all good.

Emilia Smith

(13:01) Anyone sent some weird energy.

Alan Lazaros

(13:02) That's that's what it is. (13:03) OK, so number two, from a society perspective. (13:06) Oh, the question first question.(13:08) What have men been socially conditioned to care about more? (13:13) That women obviously don't care about at all. (13:16) OK, and I joked about cars, but let me read his answer.(13:21) OK, you're here.

Emilia Smith

(13:22) You love this topic.

Alan Lazaros

(13:23) Yeah, you're ready to go. (13:24) So number two, from a society perspective, men have been conditioned based on status and performance, having a high paying job, planning the perfect date and saying the right things, the right quote unquote things, thinking she'll be impressed. (13:35) The truth is the main thing women care about is how women feel around you.(13:39) Are they excited? (13:40) Are they curious? (13:41) In my case, when I've been on dates, I've always kept things surface level instead of being genuine, genuinely curious about her.(13:47) Appreciate the ownership on that. (13:49) So what is your take on this second question? (13:52) And I think because I'm obviously kind of interviewing you here, what have men been socially conditioned to care more about that women obviously don't care about?(14:00) What jumped off the page for you? (14:01) Because I did kind of interrupt you, but I wanted to give the whole stage.

Emilia Smith

(14:04) Now, the first thing is men have been socially conditioned to focus on everything outside of themselves, meaning the cars, the body, the clothes, the hair, the this, the dude, the that, what what have you, as opposed to their inner world. (14:22) You're you're Mike. (14:23) Oh, I'm so falling off.

Alan Lazaros

(14:24) Is it the shirt?

Emilia Smith

(14:25) You're good.

Alan Lazaros

(14:26) I'm kidding.

Emilia Smith

(14:26) Is it the shirt? (14:27) So men in that social conditioning, the underdevelopment is in the inner world. (14:34) And so this client saying, I haven't really been as focused on the curiosity.(14:39) Women really need that curiosity. (14:41) And that comes from you having met yourself internally. (14:44) So the emotions in a world, and most importantly, feeling safe.(14:49) Like, for example, one of the things when I first met you, you were actually mindful of where I was standing in proximity to the door, how, how, how safe I felt in the rooms that we would share in our first dates, we would actually talk about things that were connected to the deeper elements of our existence and our values and whatnot. (15:11) And that requires vulnerability that requires emotional intelligence that requires you as a man to understand that women are seeking safety. (15:18) But obviously, what you've been conditioned to focus on is, is not how they're feeling with you and that emotional, romantic, safe connection.(15:27) You've been conditioned on the complete opposite. (15:30) Like you can have a really, really nice car. (15:33) But if you have no depth, a woman's going to get very disinterested very quickly.

Alan Lazaros

(15:38) And safety is broken into these two buckets. (15:40) And if you have any others, add them. (15:42) I know we're on a time constraint, psychological safety, physical safety, but it's physical first, physical safety first, psychological safety second, and it's energetic.(15:51) Right.

Emilia Smith

(15:51) So I would also add emotional safety to that, because if a woman can only is there, if there's a specific range of emotions that men are able to sit and connect in, then she's going to feel that. (16:03) And we talked about that in our last episode, a lot about emotional maturity. (16:08) And I refer to our window of tolerance.(16:11) So are you able to kind of dance with me in disappointment or do you go into problem solving? (16:17) On a day in a relationship, if you share something really vulnerable that has specific emotions in that, she's going to be picking up and taking notes that you have no capability to go.

Alan Lazaros

(16:27) It's like a guy who makes a joke when it's not the right time for a joke.

Emilia Smith

(16:30) Exactly.

Alan Lazaros

(16:30) Because they can't sit in the discomfort. (16:33) And then the physical one. (16:35) You and I have talked about women would rather be in the room with a bear than a stranger that's a man.(16:41) That's a man. (16:42) That's fascinating. (16:43) And what percentage do you remember?

Emilia Smith

(16:44) I don't recall.

Alan Lazaros

(16:45) I think it was 40 plus percent of women chose the bear or the majority chose the bear. (16:50) The majority. (16:51) It's nuts.(16:52) Also, I'm not saying that's nuts. (16:54) I'm saying that's wild to hear. (16:56) It's like I don't mean nuts in a negative way.

Emilia Smith

(16:58) It's wild to hear for men. (16:59) It's not wild for women to hear. (17:02) And that's what's wild, is how big of a disconnect there are, because what that tells me is that men have no idea how important safety is for women.(17:10) Yeah, fair. (17:11) Again, let's focus on our cars, our clothes, etc.

Alan Lazaros

(17:13) More importantly, what is the deal with all these unsafe men? (17:17) Like, what's going on there? (17:18) So you and I will be walking on the street and I have a thing where I don't really want you walking closer to the cars and I'll have you walk on the inside.(17:27) It's just a natural thing. (17:30) That is, a dog kind of jumped at Emilie and I immediately got in between you and Tucker. (17:37) And that's just a natural thing for me.(17:41) But I never consciously worked on that. (17:43) I just feel like that's I also grew up with women. (17:45) I don't know.(17:46) It's interesting. (17:47) All right. (17:47) So we're going to keep cranking.(17:48) And again, it's not about me, but I want everyone out there, particularly the men. (17:52) These are the things that matter, right? (17:54) These are the things that matter that are often overlooked.(17:56) Last one. (17:57) How are we doing on time? (17:58) We have like two minutes.(17:59) Last one, we're going to go quick with it. (18:01) We're going to do more stuff like this. (18:03) And thank you and shout out to that client who provided this because this is awesome.(18:07) OK, number three, what skill is underdeveloped in the men that repels women from wanting anything long term? (18:11) I want to jump in here real quick, because what I didn't say on the second one, I need to say that quote of you can only meet your partner as much as you've met yourself. (18:23) The inner world is depth.(18:25) You have a digital asset of the depth of the ocean, how deep you can go. (18:29) If the woman can go so much deeper than you, that's she's going to feel disconnected because she's met herself at a deeper level than you have. (18:38) And is that fair?(18:39) Absolutely. (18:40) Awesome. (18:40) OK.(18:40) Yeah. (18:40) And if you have walls around your heart, you're going to have to lower them and be vulnerable. (18:45) All right.(18:45) What skill is underdeveloped in men that repels women from wanting anything long term?

Emilia Smith

(18:52) Underdeveloped is the. (18:56) The ability to to actually see other people, I go to what is hyperdeveloped is egocentrism, everything's about me, the underdeveloped skill that women really want and need.

Alan Lazaros

(19:08) What's an indicator that a man is egocentric?

Emilia Smith

(19:10) He's only talking about himself all the time. (19:12) He's not actually asking more and more questions about the woman and about her like the depths. (19:18) You have her thoughts, then you have her emotions, you have her psychological paradigms like there are certain depths and layers of a human being.(19:25) And if you're only staying on, oh, I am bringing back to the conversation now, there's the ability to relate to someone. (19:32) But if you're only focused on you, you, you, you, you, you all the time, she's going to feel that and she's going to pick up on that. (19:37) And a woman's going to want someone, a partner who can have the we, can be dancing in between the me and the you and the me and the you and bringing that back.(19:48) Not someone who is just me, me, me focus. (19:51) Now, initially, when we're younger, the me focus is cool because, quote unquote, that type of man has a different personality. (19:59) But for a long term relationship.(20:02) You need to develop the other's consciousness. (20:04) Nice.

Alan Lazaros

(20:06) So we got to jump here. (20:07) I'm going to read this last piece and we're going to get out of here. (20:10) Again, thank you to this client for providing this.(20:12) An underdeveloped skill, one I am definitely struggling with is effective communication and more importantly, effective listening and being emotionally present. (20:19) My mind drifts off towards goals, even while I'm on dates and being genuinely curious about the other person, asking deeper questions and being OK with expressing vulnerability and emotional risk, even if it means getting rejected. (20:30) What I'm trying to work on is slowing down the conversation and being fully present, staying in certain topics a bit longer, knowing it's uncomfortable rather than switching the topic to keep the conversation moving, aka existential conversation squad.(20:44) You've got to talk about the depths of who you are, values, goals, dreams, hopes, fears, aspirations, concerns. (20:52) You've got to want to actually get to know your partner. (20:54) Yeah, you got to want to study them.(20:55) OK, we have relationship talks, coaching for any conscious singles and or conscious couples. (21:01) We have a hybrid model. (21:03) Reach out to Emilia or myself.(21:04) And as always, it's not about you or me. (21:07) It's about the we. (21:08) We'll talk to you next time.

Emilia Smith

(21:11) Thanks for joining us for another episode of the Conscious Couples podcast. (21:15) We love connecting with the conscious couples community, so please check the show notes to connect with us and say hello on social media.

Alan Lazaros

(21:23) If you and your partner resonated with this episode, please leave us a five star review at the link in the show notes and share this with someone you love. (21:31) Until next time, it's not about you or me. (21:35) It's about the we.(21:36) We'll talk to you next time.