Are You Creating Unnecessary Conflict in Your Relationship? (222)

Are you reacting to a real conflict, or is fear creating a fight before the truth even has a chance?

In this episode, Emilia and Alan break down how unnecessary conflict can form when insecurity, trauma, assumptions, and old pain start leading the relationship. They explain the difference between real conflict and perceived conflict, why healthy disagreement does not mean you are with the wrong person, and how curiosity can protect trust before a small moment turns into a bigger issue.

For conscious couples and singles, this episode offers a clear look at emotional intelligence, communication, conflict resolution, self-awareness, and the everyday moments that either build connection or create distance. Press play before your fear gets promoted to relationship manager.

Show notes:
(2:18) Perceived conflict Vs. Real conflict
(5:25) Being attuned without overreacting
(8:06) Conflict can create connection
(13:21) Fear, trauma, and insecurity
(17:56) Ask before you assume
(21:12) Outro

______________________

🎁 Book Your First Free Relationship Talk Coaching Session:
https://calendly.com/emiliasmith/30-minute-relationships-talk-coaching?back=1&month=2025-03

📅 Join the next free Relationship Talks Virtual Event #59 on Thursday, May 21st, 2026, at 06:00 pm Eastern Time: "Co-Creating Deep Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship" -  https://us06web.zoom.us/meeting/register/CSenM60iSpOD_5MJOdc1VQ

____________________________

Follow us on Instagram:
Emilia Smith: @evolvewithemilia
Alan Lazaros: @alazaros88

*Email:* 💬
alan@theweuniversity.com
emilia@theweuniversity.com

Learn more about The Conscious Couples: http://www.theweuniversity.com.

Thanks for joining us for another episode of The Conscious Couples Podcast. We love connecting with the Conscious Couples community, so please make sure you follow us on Instagram. If you enjoyed this episode and would like to hear more, it would mean the world if you subscribed, left us a review, and shared this with someone you love and care about. Until next time, remember, it’s not about you or me; it’s about The We!

Transcript

Emilia Smith

(0:03) Conscious Couples, business partners, and individuals, welcome to the Conscious Couples podcast where we share our life, love story, and relationship expertise to help you consistently cultivate the most magnificent relationship possible.

Alan Lazaros

(0:18) Never again will you feel hopeless and alone in your intimate relationship challenges. (0:23) We'll help you have the courage to be your authentic self, communicate effectively, and constructively resolve conflict.

Emilia Smith

(0:31) Having accumulated thousands of hours coaching, speaking, podcasting, and hosting live events with Conscious Couples all over the world, Alan and I are here to guide you in all things relationships.

Alan Lazaros

(0:44) Thank you again for tuning in to the one place where it's not about you or me, it's about the we. (0:55) Conscious Couples and individuals, welcome back to another episode of the Conscious Couples podcast. (0:59) Today we have episode 222, are you creating unnecessary conflict in your relationship?(1:06) Before we jump into today's episode, I want to remind you all why you are here, why Emily and I are here, to improve your intimate relationship from the inside out. (1:16) Sweetheart, ladies first, what's your intention?

Emilia Smith

(1:20) My intention is for our listeners to understand this episode so that they can stop creating unnecessary conflict in their relationship. (1:28) Because more often than not, this is a tiny little thing that sneaks into relationships that we're going to help our listeners do less of. (1:38) Because it's not that conflict is a bad thing, but rather where there's unnecessary conflict, that's where the bugs in the garden can grow.

Alan Lazaros

(1:48) So we have a client, new client, we started a program called Relationship Talks Inside Out program for individuals, reach out. (1:56) It's essentially Emily and I co-coaching someone individually where I'm the engineer, goals, dreams, habits, metrics, that kind of thing. (2:08) And I know you do that too.(2:10) And she does the trauma work. (2:12) So Inside Out program, pun intended with the Pixar movies, right? (2:17) But yeah, so we have a new client in the Relationship Talks coaching Inside Out program.(2:21) And this client has realized that in his past relationship, he created a conflict that wasn't actually there. (2:31) And if it was there, it was barely there. (2:33) So on the Richter scale of conflict, he said it was probably like a two, but I perceived it as a six, and then I made it into an eight.(2:41) And so essentially, the difference between perceived conflict and conflict is one of them is you think there's a conflict that isn't really there, because it's your fears messing with you. (2:51) And the other one, there actually is a conflict. (2:54) So to tell the story briefly, his ex and him, his ex was going to dinner with a colleague who was a man.(3:00) And he tried to express to her that he thought the guy was into her. (3:04) And she said, no, don't worry, no big deal. (3:06) It's just a work event.(3:08) He perceived the threat or the conflict as a level six or seven, like a big deal. (3:14) And then he made it a bigger deal than it really was. (3:16) And in hindsight, reflecting on this, he's like, yeah, I probably created more of a conflict than really needed to be when I could have probably handled that better, which he's going to do in the future, by the way.(3:27) So today we want to talk about how often that happens, why that happens, and how to stop that from happening. (3:32) Because essentially, this happens all the time, all the time. (3:35) You think your partner is lying about something that they're not lying about, or you think your partner is hanging out with someone that they aren't hanging out with, or you check their phone.(3:46) And now an issue that was based on a perception or a fear that you had now is a privacy issue. (3:54) I was on earlier with someone who said that they had a client in the past who literally went into their partner's phone when they shouldn't have, and they ended up creating this whole fight that didn't need to happen because they didn't find anything. (4:11) And it's like two things are going to happen.(4:13) You're either going to find something and then fight about that, or you're going to not find anything, and now you're being a creep.

Emilia Smith

(4:18) Well, you're breaking trust.

Alan Lazaros

(4:19) You're breaking trust, right? (4:21) So Emilia and I talked earlier this morning, and we said, we have a bunch of these skill sets that we've developed over time where if I perceive something's wrong, we joke, Emilia will do like a big sigh. (4:37) And I'll ask her, this happened yesterday on our way to Mother's Day.(4:42) And I said, are you okay? (4:44) And she said, yeah, I'm just breathing. (4:47) But that's a good, funny example of me perceiving something wrong that isn't necessarily there.(4:54) And obviously, I wasn't making a big deal of it. (4:56) But if something was wrong, you can express it. (4:58) If something's not.(4:59) And so we said this to our client, and then I want to kick it to Emilia. (5:03) I said, brother, you don't want to be so hyper concerned that you create conflicts that aren't really there. (5:11) Right.(5:12) But you also don't want to be so head up your ass that you don't even notice when your partner is actually struggling. (5:19) So you want to be attuned, but not over attuned. (5:23) And so.(5:24) Kind of like the Goldilocks.

Emilia Smith

(5:25) Yeah. (5:25) Like too much is not ideal, but not enough, and all of a sudden something happens. (5:31) So one of the things that I, just before this episode, babe, I brought in, what is a conflict?(5:38) What is the difference in framing a conflict? (5:41) So I have on my notes here that I'm going to read specifically on the aspect of conflict, which I think is really important for shared definition. (5:47) Because when we talk about interpersonal relationships, the perception of conflict is where usually all of our cognitive distortions, our limiting beliefs, our insecurities, our fears, our emotions can cloud our judgment or our perception, how we're seeing the experience.(6:03) However, if we know what the fundamental aspects and elements or character traits are of conflict, we can, at least in this episode, help our listeners draw the fine line between their own perception and an actual conflict. (6:16) So I have here, conflict is the interactive process occurring when conscious beings have opposing or incompatible actions, beliefs, goals, ideas, motives, needs, objections, obligations, resources, or values. (6:29) I know it's a lot.(6:30) AKA always.

Alan Lazaros

(6:31) Right.

Emilia Smith

(6:31) So AKA, if you have a difference, there's a potential conflict. (6:36) Three components are it's interactive and inherently communicative, conflict is. (6:42) Number two, there has to be two or more people or entities or groups, right?(6:47) In order for it to actually be an involved conflict process. (6:52) And then number three, areas are indefinite and can overlap. (6:56) So for example, you and I can have a conflict as to how we can go about deciding a restaurant to eat at or what restaurant to eat at.(7:08) It seemed the same, but how we go about that is substantive or procedural conflict. (7:15) So now our experience with conflict, I think is important as human beings because we don't inherently like conflict. (7:21) Why is that?(7:22) Because the macro perspective on interpersonal relationships is framed by the researchers who have this idea that a lot of us have adopted that conflict inherently is a phenomenon that is bad and why that's there. (7:39) It's negative and inherently destructive in nature because it's characterized by antagonism, distrust, hostility, and suspicion. (7:47) But the issue is most of us have been framed to have conflict equals bad, like this client we were talking about.(7:54) Conflict is a bad thing. (7:57) The reframe that I think we all need to have in this conversation from my perspective, looking at the research, looking at the data and seeing people's experience on the trauma end is that...

Alan Lazaros

(8:06) Conflict is an opportunity to improve.

Emilia Smith

(8:07) Conflict is an invitation for connection, actually. (8:10) And I love what you just said because it's the same thing. (8:12) Oops.

Alan Lazaros

(8:13) It's true. (8:14) It's true. (8:15) No, no, no.(8:15) It's true. (8:15) But that's even better.

Emilia Smith

(8:15) Not only improve, but it's an invitation to connect. (8:18) Right. (8:19) To connect where there's differences.(8:21) So you have two individuals that are different. (8:23) That's a good thing. (8:24) I always say that.(8:24) That's a really good thing inherently.

Alan Lazaros

(8:26) Yeah.

Emilia Smith

(8:26) And the world would be very boring if that wasn't the case. (8:27) Super freaking boring, right? (8:29) Like there's no spark there, like there's no gap.

Alan Lazaros

(8:33) The whole is greater than the sum of its parts only if and when you integrate the differences toward a common goal. (8:41) So you and I have talked in the past, I want to simplify this a bit because you just went very clinical, which I appreciate. (8:47) The research is fire, but you and I need to simplify this.(8:51) So there's three types of conflicts in a relationship. (8:54) There's goals in conflict, there's core values in conflict, or there's beliefs in conflict. (9:01) And then there's a couple of nuances, like the way you approach how to do something versus what to actually do.(9:08) Which is a substantive conflict. (9:11) And that's, again, these big words in the research and all that stuff, and I'm with it. (9:13) So let's go to the root.(9:16) So what is the root cause of conflict in a relationship? (9:20) And then how do our listeners identify when it's a real actual conflict in real life versus in their head?

Emilia Smith

(9:29) So why I mentioned the conflict research and brought more of that clinical in is because that clinical defined how we have now experienced conflict, aka conflict equals bad. (9:43) When you and I don't agree, that's an issue, right? (9:46) No, it's not.

Alan Lazaros

(9:47) But here's the thing. (9:48) It's not ever with us.

Emilia Smith

(9:49) Correct. (9:50) And what I think a lot of couples really need to help understand through what we're saying here is that if and when there's conflict, it's an invitation to connect, i.e. what are your likes versus my likes? (10:02) And it's not you and I pinning each other against each other.(10:06) It's where do the edges of my interests, my values, my beliefs, where do they end and where do yours begin and where do they overlap? (10:14) Because conflict is understanding where can you and I connect in our differences, not where do we need to butt heads? (10:21) And I think that that reframe it, conflict is an invitation to connect, really starts to reframe that root issue.(10:27) The root issue that we all have is the belief around conflict equals bad.

Alan Lazaros

(10:32) And of all ventures is trying to destroy, I always say destroy, destroy one limiting belief at a time. (10:40) So the limiting belief here is that conflict equals bad instead of conflict is an invitation to connect.

Emilia Smith

(10:46) Yeah. (10:46) Not only that, but conflict equals bad and conflict is dangerous. (10:51) I think it can be if it's handled horribly.(10:53) But most people handle it horribly because they don't understand that there's an area where we can connect.

Alan Lazaros

(10:58) I want to share this as well. (10:59) So one of the things that I've noticed with my clients, I have 33 one-on-one clients and a lot of them believe that you have the wrong person if there's conflict. (11:13) Oh, my goodness.(11:14) Well, right. (11:14) Because if it was the right person or the right job or the right thing, there would be no conflict. (11:19) That's not true.(11:20) That's a common myth. (11:21) So imagine setting a goal and being shocked when there's challenges. (11:26) It's like, well, it must be the wrong goal.(11:28) No. (11:28) Or it must be the wrong person. (11:29) Exactly.(11:29) Now, if there's constant destructive conflict with no conflict resolution skills, maybe it's the wrong person. (11:36) There are some people who are just incompatible, but that's a very extreme and rare thing where the majority of people can build a life together that's the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. (11:45) I believe that wholeheartedly.(11:47) You know what the issue is? (11:48) It's not that you're incompatible, it's that you're both wildly inadequate in your skill sets of emotional intelligence and emotional regulation and your ability to identify and constructively handle conflict.

Emilia Smith

(11:57) Beautifully said. (11:59) And I hear a lot of the times when people go and chalk up their relationships to, oh, we're just incompatible. (12:04) What you're essentially saying, if we really analyze it, is that you are two different human beings, which is a good thing.(12:11) And you're unwilling to bridge those differences with connection.

Alan Lazaros

(12:16) Nice. (12:17) And or unable because you don't have the skill sets necessary. (12:20) That's one thing that I've learned over the years now that I'm 37 is when I was 17, I didn't have the skills necessary to make that work.(12:29) I mean, who does?

Emilia Smith

(12:30) Yeah. (12:31) That's why it's just absolute failure and fear and trauma up until you're in your 20s, which is then the baggage that we carry into the relationships.

Alan Lazaros

(12:42) If we learned this in school, we would have been better off.

Emilia Smith

(12:45) Yeah. (12:45) But there's not been one course in school.

Alan Lazaros

(12:48) So what we need is an emotional regulation, emotional intelligence, conflict resolution, interpersonal skills. (12:54) Those courses were not in college or high school. (12:56) It's atrocious.(12:58) So that's why we created this podcast, by the way.

Emilia Smith

(13:00) 100%. (13:01) Which is where we go from the root cause to understanding what you had said. (13:05) How do we know what real conflict is versus that which is just, quote unquote, in our head?(13:09) And where I think we're now shifting into is how do we know when it is just in our head? (13:15) Or if I could reframe that, what is what causes unnecessary conflict for this episode? (13:21) Usually, the biggest issues that cause unnecessary conflict are insecurities, personalization, and trauma.

Alan Lazaros

(13:30) Okay.

Emilia Smith

(13:30) Insecurities, number one. (13:31) All of those I'd boil under fear. (13:33) Same.

Alan Lazaros

(13:33) But irrational fear. (13:35) Yes. (13:35) Irrational fear.

Emilia Smith

(13:36) Same. (13:37) 100%. (13:37) So for example, in that client, and you know him deeper than I do, so feel free to speak to that.

Alan Lazaros

(13:43) His irrational fear is that the guy wanted more and that she was going to allow a situation where something, where he ended up cheating on. (13:54) And he didn't vulnerably express that well enough to actually solve it and or find out if it even is perceived or not. (14:05) Real or not.(14:06) Right? (14:07) And I think that that has to be the first step, is identifying whether or not this is a rational, rational, accurate conflict, or if it's mostly just your insecurities, trauma, or personalization.

Emilia Smith

(14:26) So a great way for our listeners to do that is ask themselves, whenever they think that conflict is happening, the best question you can ask yourself in that situation to distill what fear, insecurity, trauma, or personalizing am I bringing into this conflict? (14:43) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(14:43) But how do you answer that if you don't know what those things are? (14:45) So we've got to define what those are. (14:47) So personalization.

Emilia Smith

(14:48) Yep. (14:50) You're seeing the world through your insecurities. (14:53) So for example, you mentioned me sighing, babe, is there something wrong?(14:57) So there was an assumption that your brain jumped to that me sighing had something to do with you.

Alan Lazaros

(15:03) No. (15:03) So, so yes and no. (15:06) My brain said there's a possibility, about 20% probability that Emilia sighing is something that has to do with me.

Emilia Smith

(15:15) Perfect.

Alan Lazaros

(15:15) So that 20% is personalization. (15:18) And or potentially accurate, which I think this is important. (15:24) And this is the Goldilocks thing where if, imagine if I didn't care enough to even check.

Emilia Smith

(15:29) See that's where, what you and I had said earlier when we were prepping for this episode, how many people are calculating probabilities and saying, oh, 20% might have to do with me. (15:37) Right. (15:38) No, no one's doing that, which is why.

Alan Lazaros

(15:39) And I'm also holding the duality of it might not have anything to do with me, but I want to ask so that I know, so that I'm attuned enough to know for her to know that I care, but not so attuned that she feels caged.

Emilia Smith

(15:52) Exactly. (15:53) So, so that's where that question is going to catch the snag of your 20% personalization and might have something to do with me. (16:03) And if it does, I want to understand that.(16:05) And so what you're doing is you're asking for reassurance. (16:08) So for example, you could say, hey babe, the story I'm telling myself right now is that you're sighing because of something that I did. (16:15) Can you help me understand?(16:16) Is there anything? (16:17) Is there any truth to that?

Alan Lazaros

(16:19) Yeah, that would be very constructive way to start the conversation. (16:22) The issue there is that this is predicated on your partner's self-awareness. (16:27) This is a rabbit hole and it's okay.

Emilia Smith

(16:29) I'm glad we're discussing it because at least that's better than not.

Alan Lazaros

(16:33) You know, the more I do this work, the more I realize how screwed people are in intimate relationships. (16:39) Because if you're with someone who, because think about what needs to happen for that moment to go well. (16:44) I have to hold the duality that it might be about me, but it probably isn't.(16:49) And that I just rationality, which is rationality. (16:51) And then when I asked, you have to have the rationality and understanding of self to know whether or not it actually does or it doesn't have to do with me or, or not.

Emilia Smith

(16:59) And if I'm carrying from like last week, something that I'm upset about and haven't processed.

Alan Lazaros

(17:04) Yeah, by the way, you didn't give me as much yogurt as I wanted last week and now I'm sighing because of it. (17:13) Right. (17:13) So the amount of self-awareness and self-regulation and self-understanding that needs to be present and then the ability to communicate effectively with one another.(17:22) Oh yeah. (17:22) It is.

Emilia Smith

(17:23) It's a rabbit hole. (17:24) And that's why that client said, so when people say they want someone who is doing the inner work and emotionally intelligent, what does that actually mean? (17:30) It's like, well, how much time do you have?(17:33) Yeah. (17:34) How much time do you have? (17:35) So for any of our listeners that are, are taking this and kind of peeling away the layers and saying, okay, well they just said it's a rabbit hole.(17:41) I'm going to totally turn off and not try at all. (17:43) What would we say to them? (17:44) And in closing for this episode, that would be the one thing that could help them understand or improve the line of demarcation between perception of conflict versus naming conflicts.

Alan Lazaros

(17:56) The only wrong answer I think is to not gather more data. (18:04) And I don't mean go check your partner's phone. (18:06) I mean, ask them, hey, I noticed X.(18:10) Beautiful. (18:12) Are you okay? (18:13) Does this have anything to do with us?(18:15) Not attacking, but actually curious. (18:17) So go to curiosity. (18:19) And that's what I would say to end because obviously we're going to do more episodes on this.(18:23) Every episode of the Conscious Couples podcast is going to help with all of these skills. (18:27) And so what would be your takeaway? (18:29) Mine would be if you perceive a conflict, it might be real.(18:32) And the only wrong answer is to not get curious and gather more data within integrity.

Emilia Smith

(18:38) Yeah, I'm with you. (18:39) I think that if you think that there is conflict, be it perception or actual, that is an opportunity for you to get into the gym, for lack of better words, and exercise the skill sets around discerning. (18:54) Is it true or is it in my head?(18:57) Because either way, by you asking your partner or communicating in any regard, even to yourself, you're flexing the skill of self-awareness and trying to differentiate between the insecurities, the fear, the trauma that you might be pulling in. (19:14) And if anything, the self-awareness is always going to help your relationship and interpersonal conflict skills. (19:21) So if I could leave you with one thing, conflict is actually an absolutely necessary thing for healthy relationships.(19:28) And by going into the gym and asking those questions and doing what you just said, it is going to increase your level of resilience and healthy relationships are resilient.

Alan Lazaros

(19:39) Yeah, if you can't handle conflict constructively, you're not going to have a very long-term relationship. (19:46) It's impossible. (19:47) It's impossible.(19:48) Yeah. (19:48) Or you're going to have a very fake one. (19:49) And avoid surface level.

Emilia Smith

(19:51) Yeah, exactly.

Alan Lazaros

(19:51) Surface level one. (19:52) So, yeah. (19:53) Okay.(19:54) We have Relationship Talks Coaching. (19:56) We just told you about the Relationship Talks Coaching Inside Out program. (19:59) Imagine a trauma-certified person in her work with an engineer, goals, dreams, habits, and then together.(20:07) Unbelievable. (20:08) Unbelievable. (20:08) Like, it's not just going to help you in your intimate relationship.(20:11) It's also going to help you flourish and be wildly successful in your career as well, investing the whole night. (20:16) We also have a Relationship Talks virtual event, and we're using a movie called Meet the Fockers, 2004, one of the funniest comedies I think I've ever seen. (20:29) That's my personal opinion.(20:30) And I'm super excited for this because, yeah.

Emilia Smith

(20:33) Join us. (20:35) The topic itself is going to be co-creating deep emotional intimacy in your relationship, and emotional intelligence has everything to do with it. (20:43) But Jack Burns in Meet the Fockers.(20:45) He needs some work.

Alan Lazaros

(20:46) He needs some work.

Emilia Smith

(20:47) He needs to do some inner work. (20:48) For sure. (20:49) So, join us.(20:50) The link to register. (20:51) It's a free virtual event, like Alan said. (20:53) The link to register is in the show notes, and it is on the 21st of May at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (20:59) Yes.

Alan Lazaros

(20:59) And if you specifically would like to be a part of the Jack Burns circle of trust, you'll have to be there. (21:06) That's a joke. (21:07) If you've not seen the movie, you won't understand.(21:08) If you have seen the movie, awesome. (21:11) All right. (21:12) So as always, it's not about you or me.(21:15) It's about the we. (21:17) We'll talk to you next time. (21:17) Bye, everyone.

Emilia Smith

(21:20) Thanks for joining us for another episode of the Conscious Couples podcast. (21:23) We love connecting with the Conscious Couples community, so please check the show notes to connect with us and say hello on social media.

Alan Lazaros

(21:31) If you and your partner resonated with this episode, please leave us a five-star review at the link in the show notes and share this with someone you love. (21:40) Until next time, it's not about you or me. (21:43) It's about the we.(21:45) We'll talk to you next time.