Who Takes More Responsibility in Your Relationship? (223)

In this episode of The Conscious Couples Podcast, hosts Emilia Smith and Alan Lazaros look at the hidden weight of responsibility in relationships and how it affects trust, intimacy, and teamwork. When one person carries more of the emotional load, household pressure, parenting work, or future planning, the partnership can slowly turn into resentment.

Emilia and Alan break down why responsibility is not just about doing more. It is about owning your part with honesty, courage, and care. They talk about over-functioning, under-owning, emotional intimacy, and the conversations couples avoid until the tension gets too loud. This episode is for conscious couples, business partners, and singles who want a stronger “we” without pretending everything is fine.

Show notes:
(2:20) Who takes more responsibility
(5:03) Control versus real connection
(7:10) How responsibility shapes teamwork
(11:37) Why fair is not 50/50
(15:45) Giving too much to work
(17:08) Expectations can create resentment
(20:23) Naming who owns what
(22:58) Outro

Episode Reference:
Fair Play Documentary - https://www.fairplaylife.com/documentary

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Transcript

Emilia Smith

(0:03) Conscious Couples, business partners, and individuals, welcome to the Conscious Couples podcast, where we share our life, love story, and relationship expertise to help you consistently cultivate the most magnificent relationship possible.

Alan Lazaros

(0:18) Never again will you feel hopeless and alone in your intimate relationship challenges. (0:23) We'll help you have the courage to be your authentic self, communicate effectively, and constructively resolve conflict.

Emilia Smith

(0:31) Having accumulated thousands of hours coaching, speaking, podcasting, and hosting live events with Conscious Couples all over the world, Alan and I are here to guide you in all things relationships.

Alan Lazaros

(0:44) Thank you again for tuning in to the one place where it's not about you or me, it's about the we. (0:55) Conscious Couples and individuals, welcome back to another episode of the Conscious Couples podcast. (1:01) Today we have episode 223, who takes more responsibility in your relationship?(1:08) Before we jump into today's episode, I want to remind everyone why we are here. (1:11) We are here to improve your intimate relationship from the inside out. (1:15) We just started the Relationship Talks Coaching Inside Out program, where Emilia does the inside trauma stuff.(1:21) I do the outside reverse engineering goals and dreams. (1:24) We both do both. (1:25) Reach out if you want in.(1:27) Sweetheart, you and I have been talking about this episode for a little while now, and you and I got clear on our intentions before we sat down. (1:35) What is your intention for today?

Emilia Smith

(1:36) We did. (1:37) My intention for today's episode and for our listeners is to have an understanding by the end of this episode who out of the two of you, assuming this is a two-person relationship, who of the two of you, I'm not going to include parts, who of the two of you, tend to take more responsibility? (1:57) And then of that responsibility taking, what are some of those areas that you tend to take responsibility for?(2:03) Because why does that matter? (2:04) All of us in conscious relationships are trying to be the best team ever so that we can grow together, not apart. (2:11) And we find responsibility, the ability to take response on what you're doing, that is a cornerstone of teamwork.(2:20) Did you throw in a IFS joke? (2:22) I did.

Alan Lazaros

(2:23) It slid right underneath the radar. (2:24) Can you explain to our listeners what you meant by that?

Emilia Smith

(2:28) Yeah. (2:28) So I said, assuming this is a two-person relationship, because each person has multiple parts, which are like little micro personalities that people have and go into. (2:41) And so I was kind of playing a joke that usually it's two people, but sometimes when your parts are really active, you might have a part come out and be in the relationship when really they should be taking a backseat.(2:51) Nice.

Alan Lazaros

(2:52) All right. (2:53) So we are using a movie, one of my faves from way back in the day, 2004. (3:01) Emilia was 10.(3:03) And I was 16 or 17 when this came up. (3:09) Yeah. (3:12) Yeah, it is.(3:13) Meet the Fockers, which is the sequel to Meet the Parents. (3:18) And we're actually doing a Relationship Talks virtual event this Thursday.

Emilia Smith

(3:21) This Thursday, May 21st at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (3:25) The link's in the show note to register. (3:27) Don't forget to click to get your seat.

Alan Lazaros

(3:29) Nice job. (3:30) Nice job. (3:31) Co-creating deep emotional intimacy in your relationship.(3:33) So we're doing sort of a prequel to that event, which is who takes more responsibility in your relationship. (3:38) So when we watched this movie to prepare for the Relationship Talks virtual event, you and I noticed another pattern that we picked up on with Mrs. Doubtfire as well.

Emilia Smith

(3:48) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(3:48) So these older movies, so Meet the Fockers came out 22 years ago. (3:53) It's wild. (3:53) It is wild.(3:55) And Mrs. Doubtfire, we watched for the last Relationship Talks event, and that came out in 1993. (4:02) And you and I were like, when I saw this as a kid, I might not have noticed this, but the villain is the one who's taking responsibility. (4:14) And we talked in depth about that on an episode previously.(4:17) But that's what we want to talk about today is Jack Burns is the character in Meet the Fockers who has some serious emotional intimacy issues. (4:28) And he, for those of you who don't know the film, he worked for the CIA. (4:33) And Meet the Fockers is essentially when the two main characters have their parents meeting.(4:40) And it is hilarious and cringeworthy.

Emilia Smith

(4:43) Oh, everything that could go wrong did go wrong. (4:46) And then so if you want a good belly laugh, that's a great film.

Alan Lazaros

(4:49) Yeah. (4:50) And if you want to cringe in your seat occasionally. (4:53) But anyways, so these are you meeting your in-laws and your in-laws meeting your parents meeting your in-laws the whole nine.(4:59) So and they for a whole weekend. (5:01) And it's hilarious beyond all reason. (5:03) But anyways, so the point of this is that Jack Burns, which is Robert De Niro's character in the film, is extremely controlling instead of connecting and vulnerable and intimate.(5:14) And essentially, we realized watching the film this time around that, okay, there seems to be a pattern here. (5:22) The person in the relationship that takes the most responsibility for the future, he says something like, we're actually about to leave in seven minutes and 25 seconds. (5:32) And so Emily and I kind of relate because we're very conscientious and goal oriented.

Emilia Smith

(5:37) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(5:37) And if you have someone who's extremely responsible, they can seem like the pain in the ass if they don't have the ability to also be vulnerable.

Emilia Smith

(5:48) Right. (5:48) And that was the challenge that Jack Burns's character had. (5:52) He wasn't able to trust even the people within his circle of trust.(5:56) So those were the people that were in his family that he was very controlling with or would take extra, I would say 100% responsibility for and over. (6:05) So there was the JJ, the little child, there's who he was taking responsibility, grandchild, sorry, who he was taking responsibility for teaching him Latin and teaching him about truth and how important it was and like languages. (6:18) It was amazing genius studio.(6:19) He turned his CIA office into a whole learning and development center where he literally had a camera on JJ. (6:25) Well, he was teaching him sign language and it was just fascinating. (6:28) So looking at it from this adult perspective and understanding relationships, the depth that we now have the privilege to understand, it really is fascinating to see how he even was more conscious about the child and the child's development than all of the adults combined were in certain areas.(6:48) Now development for development's sake, not, and at some points at the expense of really developing the emotional and social development components. (6:57) And so when it comes to kind of creating the overlap between this film and relationships and what we see in so many relationship dynamics is ultimately the person who is taking that responsibility. (7:10) Usually there's one partner that has been either by nurture or nature conditioned to take more responsibility.(7:17) And you and I just so happen to be both nature and nurture over responsibility taking and have been with past partners that undertook responsibility. (7:26) So you and I came into our relationship taking way more responsibility than your quote unquote average Joe and Schmo. (7:34) But each couple has their own tenancy and one tends to take more responsibility than the other.(7:41) And it's so unconscious and it ripples into their teamwork. (7:44) And so when we're on relationship talks, coaching calls with clients, we tend to snuff that out in the specific areas of their life. (7:51) We find that out and we can see and spot the patterns of who's taking more responsibility in an area of the relationship.(7:59) And usually that brings us into a bigger conversation with the couples that we find to be super helpful, which is, wait a second, who tends to take more responsibility? (8:06) And usually the couples don't want to have this conversation, but what we found it's a really important conversation to have on the macro and then also on the micro.

Alan Lazaros

(8:14) Okay. (8:15) So have you found, and I'm thinking about this kind of for the first time, when you say some people don't want to have that conversation, it's obviously the person who takes less responsibility who doesn't want to have that conversation, right?

Emilia Smith

(8:32) I'm kind of split down the middle on that one. (8:34) I think, yeah, that's more conscious on the person that takes less responsibility. (8:39) They don't want to be found out.(8:40) But the person that takes more responsibility, what I find happens is they're afraid that their partner won't rise to the occasion when they do.

Alan Lazaros

(8:48) A hundred percent. (8:49) So I have a client who just sent me a long message about their partner is, they play baseball, they have a soccer. (8:59) I don't know if it's soccer.(9:00) It's another sport. (9:01) They have a newborn together. (9:03) And this is my one-on-one client, not relationship talks, coaching client.(9:07) And she's essentially working 30 hours a week with a baby at her hip. (9:12) It's a whole nine. (9:14) And she's frustrated because she can't do her tracker.(9:18) And she said, I'm literally, this is the first alone time I've gotten like all week. (9:24) And I can literally hear them right outside the door. (9:27) And they're messaging me.(9:29) This is a client I've had for years. (9:30) And I was in book club earlier and it was me and I think seven or eight other people. (9:36) It's become invite only and more.(9:37) Yeah, it's awesome. (9:38) It was so good. (9:39) But anyways, it was just me and Brandon for the males in there.(9:42) The rest were all females. (9:43) And we kind of talked about this thing that women have, where, where, when men get sick, they get really frustrated because men are expecting like everything to be taken care of when they're sick. (9:55) And again, this is their words, not mine.(9:56) But it was kind of a joke where the women in the room were like, yeah, even when we're sick, we still do everything. (10:02) So what's the deal with this? (10:03) Right.(10:04) The truth is I don't really give a crap who takes more responsibility. (10:07) I care that it becomes more equitable. (10:10) And, and one of the things that I think is really fascinating, I'm hearing all this because I have some, some incredible female clients that are business owners and hearing about their male counterpart has been really alarming to me.(10:25) It's like, why do you have baseball and soccer? (10:30) Like how old are you? (10:32) I, I, I serious.(10:34) I'm not joking.

Emilia Smith

(10:34) It's I know.

Alan Lazaros

(10:35) Can you imagine if I was like, Hey babe, I got to go to hockey tonight.

Emilia Smith

(10:39) Like, can you imagine if the woman all of a sudden said, Hey, good luck with the infant. (10:44) I have a softball league that I have to go to. (10:47) Yeah.(10:47) And it doesn't work that way, which is weird. (10:49) So it's like, Oh no, because you're the female, they need that attachment. (10:53) It's like someone has a discounting how powerful the male attachment is.(10:58) Someone has to talk about this.

Alan Lazaros

(11:00) And at the end of the day, we, we watched a documentary called Fair Play way back. (11:07) And I would love to know your take, this is just your opinion. (11:11) And I, I don't want to go too far down this rabbit hole, but we have to go here.(11:15) When it comes to responsibility in an intimate relationship, how often out of how many out of 10, do you think it's the female who takes more responsibility than 10? (11:26) Okay.

Emilia Smith

(11:27) So 10, it's not, okay. (11:30) I was going to say nine or 10. (11:32) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(11:32) Okay. (11:33) Yeah. (11:33) So why, like, what is, what is that about?

Emilia Smith

(11:37) Well, one word that you mentioned earlier, which I was going to ask you, what do you mean by equitable? (11:41) Because I love what you said. (11:42) I don't care who takes more responsibility.(11:44) So I imagined it just has to get to center, right? (11:47) So you have a hundred percent quote unquote, what things you need to quote unquote do in a day-to-day with a relationship and in a household, whatever it is, right? (11:55) But equitable doesn't necessarily mean cut it down 50, 50.(11:59) You and I hold an idea belief that responsibility taking is a hundred percent. (12:03) I'm going to take a hundred percent my best and you do a hundred percent your best. (12:06) And together that application creates a more equitable relationship.(12:10) So long as we have a discussion about the impact of our best applied in our, our relationship zone. (12:16) So when I say a nine out of 10, I consistently see that. (12:19) And the why underneath that.(12:20) You said 10 out of 10, love. (12:22) Nine to 10. (12:23) So I know I said 10 out of 10 initially, and I'm kind of back and forth between nine out of 10, but like the why underneath this is because women have repeatedly been conditioned and seen that that is okay and normalized.(12:36) That is a great example of dad goes out to baseball and basketball and does all these play and fun things, which I actually think is really important in terms of athleticism.

Alan Lazaros

(12:45) As long as the female also gets to do that.

Emilia Smith

(12:46) Well, that's the thing. (12:47) It's inequitable. (12:48) In other words, there's a double standard that if the woman were to go do that, there would be a lot of hell to pay.(12:55) So I think that equitable relationships is a really powerful conversation to be had when we talk about responsibility.

Alan Lazaros

(13:02) I said this to her on WhatsApp earlier, and I said, this isn't just you. (13:08) I've heard this so much over the last few years. (13:10) This is like, listen, I was an engineer.(13:11) I didn't know this stuff. (13:13) I wasn't studying equitable relationships in college. (13:16) I was studying computers.(13:19) And so this has been alarming for me. (13:20) And I said, I intend to be a super father when we have children. (13:24) I'm going to do everything I can.(13:26) Thank you so much.

Emilia Smith

(13:27) Thank you.

Alan Lazaros

(13:27) But at the end of the day, why would you want to be the person who takes less responsibility? (13:31) I don't know. (13:31) So this is the thing that I want to give to our listeners.(13:33) And I know we didn't plan on this. (13:35) The more responsibility you take, the more you grow. (13:38) Yes.(13:39) The more you become, the more you become unless you're taking responsibility for everyone else who isn't taking responsibility, in which case that's destructive and not constructive, meaning it's going to destroy you instead of build you up.

Emilia Smith

(13:50) So what do you mean by that? (13:51) Because the first thing that came into my head is like, if I have a team and I pay them to do their job and I take more responsibility, and what I mean by that is I actually start doing their tasks for them, that becomes destructive on the relationship because that's an allocation of my time, energy, and focal point that could be otherwise allocated to our relationship. (14:11) Meanwhile, I'm paying the team to do their job.(14:14) So what do you mean by that if it's not that?

Alan Lazaros

(14:16) So it becomes, and we got to take a step back here for a second, it becomes an issue when it's at the expense of you rather than building you up. (14:27) So for example, I did a mile run today earlier. (14:32) Nice.(14:32) Okay. (14:33) Yeah. (14:34) Great.(14:35) If I did 12 miles a day, that would be potentially destructive, not constructive. (14:41) And so it all depends on your goals, right? (14:42) So, okay, if you were to go work out with me today for nine hours straight, that is destructive.(14:50) Yeah. (14:50) There's something called overtraining. (14:52) Now, I don't think most people have to worry about overtraining.(14:54) I think they have to worry about undertraining. (14:56) Never training. (14:56) But my point is, is that that's a metaphor for I think what a lot of people are doing in relationships when they are, it's called self-imposed servitude to thankless people, which is you're basically taking responsibility for everyone's future.(15:11) And I've been guilty of this in the past with friends and partners and the whole nine, my family. (15:17) And so you're constantly cognitively thinking about how to provide, but it becomes a win-win-lose. (15:24) It's like win for them, win for the world, lose for me.(15:27) And now you're, you have a hole in the bottom of your cup and now you're an empty cup and you can't, it's not building you. (15:32) Whereas if you and I work out for an hour today, we're going to wake up stronger tomorrow. (15:36) If we do a marathon on a whim and don't train for it, we're going to wake up weaker.(15:41) And I think that that's what's happening metaphorically in a lot of relationships.

Emilia Smith

(15:45) Yeah. (15:45) We had a relationship talks coaching call last night, shout out to you guys if you're listening, where quite literally we had a dialogue with them. (15:53) The male is giving everything to work and then he comes home a shell of himself.(15:57) And that actually happens a lot in the female and the relationship is really upset by that because they met pretty much in the best phase of themselves, you know, the high energy, high alertness kind of co collaborating in the beginning of their relationship on their best quote unquote season, best self. (16:16) And now she's at home with the baby and he's coming home a shell of himself. (16:20) And so what we said to him is essentially leave a little bit more on the tank.(16:23) If she's not getting your best self, then at least give her some of yourself because you want some of that. (16:28) And if you aren't conscious of that, in other words, she's taking all the responsibility for everything and you're just coming home as a shell. (16:36) And so you're taking responsibility of paying the bills, which I totally get that.(16:39) And I'm not negating that because she doesn't have a job. (16:41) And that's really important to mention. (16:43) Yeah, it is.(16:44) I want I want to make sure you guys have a conversation about is that equitable and have you guys had that conversation of and at the very least, that's the conversation.

Alan Lazaros

(16:52) Exactly. (16:52) It's maybe you do have to give more to work. (16:57) Yeah.(16:57) To provide. (16:58) Yeah. (16:58) But make sure you and your partner talk about it in advance so that that is at least not being swept under the rug.

Emilia Smith

(17:08) Unspoken expectations lead to resentment and contempt. (17:11) Lack of trust. (17:12) Exactly.(17:12) It breaks the trust and ultimately, the responsibility that inherently will come in to the relationship because life be life and meaning there's always more responsibilities as you grow, as you age, as you become a more responsible adult. (17:28) That's going to be inevitable. (17:29) It's a matter of what I was saying to you before.(17:32) It's really important to have the conversation and have it again and again and again. (17:36) Who is taking more relationship right now? (17:38) You and I used to have on the white board.

Alan Lazaros

(17:40) Is it more relationship?

Emilia Smith

(17:41) I'm sorry. (17:41) Who's taking more responsibility in the relationship right now? (17:43) Is it 80-20?(17:44) Is it 20-10? (17:45) Are we happy about that? (17:47) Are we fulfilled about that?

Alan Lazaros

(17:53) 60-40.

Emilia Smith

(17:53) Yeah, 60-40. (17:55) Yeah, but it doesn't feel like it today. (17:58) No, no.(17:58) It's okay. (17:59) Maybe not today, but we're talking about in general. (18:00) But that's great.(18:01) Even that check-in can really help couples.

Alan Lazaros

(18:03) Of course. (18:03) Maybe that's what we leave with because again, I have a lot I want to share. (18:08) We're talking about several different clients because this is merging very well with the work we're doing.(18:12) There's a client that is in book club that you coach that I used to coach and she was in book club and she wouldn't mind me sharing this. (18:20) It's synonymous anyway. (18:21) She almost teared up talking about some of the work that you two are doing where she said, I don't even want to go there right now.(18:29) She was tearing up. (18:31) She said, I'm not ready to face the resentment yet because this person has done, I think a lot for a lot of people for many years and at the neglect of herself. (18:44) These are her words too, not mine.(18:46) She's not unaware of this. (18:48) But we talked about it and I said, yeah. (18:51) I said, when will you be ready?(18:53) I said, permission to challenge you. (18:54) I said, when will you be ready? (18:55) And she's like, I'm getting there.(18:56) So you know who I'm talking about and I'm excited for her to see what comes, what bubbles up through that. (19:03) And that's where transformation is, right? (19:05) I didn't understand how much as a kid I took the responsibility of my family's future.(19:16) So when I was 14, my stepdad left and we had very low income.

Emilia Smith

(19:20) You were parentified very young.

Alan Lazaros

(19:21) Yes. (19:22) And so no generational wealth, no trust fund, no dad. (19:27) And when I was 14, I knew that we were in trouble if I didn't provide.(19:33) And so I did unconsciously and somewhat consciously decide, okay, I'm going to be the primary breadwinner for my family. (19:41) And I made sure I got straight A's through all of high school, gotten to college and all that. (19:45) And I even came home from LA when we were having a hard time.(19:48) But ultimately, a lot of that happens unconsciously when you don't understand it's happening. (19:53) And then as I got older and older and okay, I have to break this pattern.

Emilia Smith

(19:58) It also attracts people who love never taking responsibility. (20:04) And that's where we find conscious couples reach out to us to kind of write the scales of equitability in their relationship, which you can do so unconsciously. (20:13) And that usually has really strong detrimental implications, or you can do so consciously, lovingly and with candor at the center point.

Alan Lazaros

(20:23) Let's link the link to the documentary Fair Play. (20:26) In the show notes, we did a Relationship Talks event on this a couple years ago now. (20:33) And it's the idea is important.(20:36) Who is taking more responsibility and for what? (20:39) The only wrong answer is to not sit down and have a conversation about who the DRI is directly responsible individual. (20:44) You need to know on my team, I have a 24 person team.(20:47) There's a directly responsible individual for all 13 departments so that we know who's responsible for what. (20:53) Earlier today, I said who's going to tell him because we have someone stepping up and he said, It's me. (20:57) It's my team.(20:58) I got this. (20:59) Awesome. (20:59) That was that's great.(21:01) We got to get out of here. (21:02) Love.

Emilia Smith

(21:02) What do you want to add before we go? (21:04) The only thing I want to close with actually not net add, we all have this unconscious expectation that being in a relationship means that there's some degree of teamwork. (21:14) That's an unconscious expectation that just brought to be a conscious expectation.(21:19) Now, the resentment that is building will find you if you are not consciously addressing the responsibility. (21:26) What's the resentment that's building?

Alan Lazaros

(21:26) Doing everything for everybody?

Emilia Smith

(21:28) Well, you have an unconscious expectation that because you're a team, because you're a couple, there's some element of teamwork that you're going to have. (21:34) And you're expecting them to take a degree of responsibility that unless it's explicitly spoken, that's not happening. (21:41) And so you can't expect your partner to read your mind.(21:43) And that's where courageous, vulnerable communication helps couples grow together, not apart. (21:49) So I encourage you to take a look at the macro who who's taking more responsibility in your relationship and who tends to lean that way. (21:57) And if you're the, the person that has been conditioned or is leaning in the less taking up responsibility, like it's time to really own that and to leverage your growth mindset to work together and make a more equitable relationship.(22:09) Because trust me, you, your kids and your family will thank us later.

Alan Lazaros

(22:14) Yeah, absolutely. (22:14) Whoever has higher self belief and higher goals and higher standards tends to be the one who takes on more weight. (22:21) And because you want to get to the top of the mountain, you're going to have to take more responsibility.(22:25) And so a lot of times that person has a lot of resentment if you're not careful. (22:29) Okay, before we get out of here, reminder of the Relationship Talks virtual event, co-creating deep emotional intimacy in your relationship Thursday, May 21 at 6pm Eastern Standard Time. (22:39) And if you want to learn more about the Relationship Talks Coaching Inside Out program, reach out to myself or Emilia.(22:46) We have many, many clients. (22:47) We're super excited. (22:48) Relationship Talks Coaching is the most powerful work I do.

Emilia Smith

(22:51) Yeah, it just is.

Alan Lazaros

(22:52) It's un-freaking-believable. (22:53) And fun is a unique word for it. (22:56) It will transform you and your life for sure.(22:58) Alright, as always, it's not about you or me. (23:01) It's about the we. (23:02) We'll talk to you next time.(23:03) Bye everyone.

Emilia Smith

(23:05) Thanks for joining us for another episode of the Conscious Couples podcast. (23:09) We love connecting with the Conscious Couples community, so please check the show notes to connect with us and say hello on social media.

Alan Lazaros

(23:17) If you and your partner resonated with this episode, please leave us a five-star review at the link in the show notes and share this with someone you love. (23:26) Until next time, it's not about you or me. (23:29) It's about the we.(23:31) We'll talk to you next time.