How Direct is Your Communication (226)

In today’s episode of The Conscious Couples Podcast, hosts Emilia Smith and Alan Lazaros reveal why unclear communication often becomes the quiet crack in a relationship. When couples avoid saying what they need, want, or feel, small misunderstandings can turn into resentment, defensiveness, and emotional distance. Emilia and Alan talk about the cost of being indirect, the role of humility in healthy love, and why honest feedback can either build trust or expose where the relationship needs work.

This episode is for conscious couples and singles who want stronger communication, more emotional courage, and a real team mindset in love. Press play and find out what your “clear enough” might still be hiding.

Show notes:
(2:01) When experience creates relationship gaps
(4:13) Projecting, expecting, then resenting
(7:17) Why people avoid being direct
(12:24) Humility builds stronger relationship-teams
(19:36) Using the truth dial honestly
(27:25) Outro

Digital Asset:
The Truth Dial - https://drive.google.com/file/d/140fJ8AXmK7fM-JCe4v_XtnpdLZgSZARy/view

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Transcript

Emilia Smith

(0:03) Conscious couples, business partners, and individuals, welcome to the Conscious Couples Podcast where we share our life, love story, and relationship expertise to help you consistently cultivate the most magnificent relationship possible.

Alan Lazaros

(0:18) Never again will you feel hopeless and alone in your intimate relationship challenges. (0:23) We'll help you have the courage to be your authentic self, communicate effectively, and constructively resolve conflict.

Emilia Smith

(0:31) Having accumulated thousands of hours coaching, speaking, podcasting, and hosting live events with conscious couples all over the world, Alan and I are here to guide you in all things relationships.

Alan Lazaros

(0:45) Thank you again for tuning into the one place where it's not about you or me, it's about the we. (0:55) Conscious couples and individuals, welcome back to another episode of the Conscious Couples Podcast. (1:01) Today we have episode 226, how direct is your communication?(1:08) We have learned that that is causing a lot of issues in relationships is not being direct. (1:14) Before we jump into this episode, I want to remind everyone why we are here, for one reason and one reason only, to improve your intimate relationship from the inside out. (1:22) Sweetheart, ladies first, what is your intention?

Emilia Smith

(1:24) My intention for our dear listeners joining us in this conversation is to help each and every single one of you learn to be more direct or explicit in what you need, what you want, and what you're desiring when it comes to your communication with your partner. (1:41) Okay, what I need is for this episode to be magnificent. (1:46) Okay.(1:47) Perfect. (1:48) What makes that, what would make an episode magnificent, love? (1:51) Well, stay tuned.(1:52) Oh, that was direct. (1:56) And then indirect. (1:57) But then not direct at all.(1:59) Yeah, exactly. (2:00) Which is useless. (2:01) I have a big question mark swirling around my head, which is honestly what a lot of couples have.(2:06) Yeah. (2:06) They're not direct. (2:07) So there's a big question mark around, what does he mean?(2:10) What does she mean? (2:12) What is she trying to tell me? (2:13) What is she saying?(2:14) Is she asking me a question? (2:15) Am I supposed to answer? (2:16) All of these swirling around in between the couple is happening all the time because more often than not, what we do know is that women tend to speak indirectly.(2:28) Men tend to speak directly unless it's about their feelings. (2:33) In which case they dance around it. (2:35) Or never go near it with a 10 foot pole.(2:36) Nice. (2:37) Okay. (2:37) Yeah.(2:37) They're either fine, they're good, or they don't have a heartbeat practically. (2:41) All right. (2:41) But to that end, this episode is to help our listeners really sink into what we found with couples actually does help them in their communication styles and how to be more direct.(2:53) Because where you're not direct is where those question marks, things get left up for interpretation. (2:59) And you just don't want that when it comes to you and your partner.

Alan Lazaros

(3:03) On one hand, everyone does need to develop the skill of reading between the lines. (3:09) And why not just give me the lines? (3:12) Okay.(3:13) So how direct is your communication? (3:17) This came about because there is a peak performance coaching client that I have been working with for four or five years. (3:25) Five years?(3:26) Wow. (3:27) Yeah. (3:27) Off and on.(3:28) But yeah, it's really good. (3:29) And she has a newborn and she's a new partner. (3:33) And this partner had never had children before.(3:36) And she had children with her previous partner. (3:39) And she tried to communicate up front that this is going to change everything. (3:43) And like, I need you to know what you're signing up for.(3:45) Like, we're going to have a kid together. (3:46) This needs to be, this is going to be a whole thing. (3:48) Oh, yeah.(3:49) And she tried to be very direct about that. (3:52) And ultimately, you're going to have to learn through experience too. (3:56) But basically, they are having some challenges because she has parented for 17, 18 years at this point.(4:04) And she's gotten better and better and better at it over time. (4:06) And he's brand new. (4:08) And so the miscommunications are causing big issues.(4:13) So you and I created a cycle. (4:14) This is the cycle to destroy your relationship. (4:16) Ready?(4:17) Number one is project your own potential onto the other person. (4:21) So she is a strong parent who has decades of experience parenting. (4:25) And if she projects that onto him, that's step one.(4:29) Project your potential onto him. (4:31) He's going to be a great dad. (4:32) I'm a great mom.(4:32) Awesome. (4:34) Expect him to be a great dad with very little training or very little experience. (4:38) And then resent when he's not.(4:41) So project your potential onto someone, which is what's called an unconscious competency. (4:45) So an unconscious competency is something that you are ridiculously good at, that you've been practicing for years, even if you don't know it. (4:52) A good example of this would be when you and I talk finances and numbers, I can recall a lot of numbers really quickly.(4:58) And when I talk math with clients, a lot of times they'll shut off and say, slow down. (5:04) And I'll be like, what do you mean? (5:05) And so an unconscious competency is projecting onto the partner.(5:11) And then you have this expectation that they're going to hit this bar. (5:13) And then they only hit this bar. (5:15) And then this gap between projection and reality creates resentment.(5:22) And then that cycle eventually can lead to a blow up. (5:26) So the solution to that.

Emilia Smith

(5:27) It usually leads to a blow up. (5:28) And indoor before the blow up is a lot of sweeping things underneath the carpet, not really having a level set moment. (5:36) For example, that client having a hey, whoa, I realized that I tried to be direct, but I had really no idea how to be as direct as what was going to be needed for this to just go smoothly.(5:47) And nothing's just going to go smoothly, especially when you have 18, 17 years of trying and failing. (5:53) That's what experience really is. (5:55) And what it comes down to is the skills and the competencies that we develop over time.(5:59) And so while you might think that you're being direct, usually we have this cognitive distortion or a blind spot that essentially, no matter how direct we think we are, usually it's so much less than what the other person needs in order to really tangibilize it, to really wrap their head and their arms around what you're saying. (6:17) So you can say, having kids is going to be a lot, signing up for this is going to be a lot. (6:22) And it's like, give me the details.(6:23) But their perception of a lot. (6:25) They have nothing to tie down to.

Alan Lazaros

(6:27) And I think to some degree, you're always going to overestimate or underestimate what something's going to take. (6:33) But yeah, you have to really, I mean, in an ideal world, you'd write out a list of how difficult it's going to be and everything you've experienced as a mom and as a parent, and then try your best to communicate explicitly what this is going to be like.

Emilia Smith

(6:47) But nobody got time for that. (6:49) Not only that, but what our brain does is we'll delete those quote unquote files of memories of how hard it was, how the pain and the suffering. (6:57) And we like avoid those memories.(6:59) So logging them down isn't necessarily our forte that we all develop of like, oh, this is how much more skilled I am in this. (7:07) Let me make sure all the pain and memory and suffering, I deliver it to you before you even try. (7:11) Because sharing that, one of the reasons why people aren't direct, and you and I talked about this a little bit before we got started on the episode.(7:17) And I think the listeners will really resonate with this. (7:20) One of the reasons why we are not direct in our communication, male, female, what have you, is because there's a deep down fear in most people, if not all people, that if you were to be a 10 out of 10 direct, ultimately it would break the connection that you and that person, you and your partner are going to have in some way, shape or form. (7:40) So it's an unconscious fear that is driving you away from being explicit, direct, what people usually say to the throat type communication.

Alan Lazaros

(7:48) Okay, so your fear of breaking rapport is stopping you from being direct. (7:54) There's another thing that came up for me too is, okay, with an unconscious competency, being a podcaster. (8:03) So I could say, we're going to start a podcast together.(8:07) I have, I don't know, when we started, I think I had like a thousand episodes or something. (8:11) And this is going to be really hard. (8:13) And she'd be like, okay, I got this, I can do this.(8:17) And it's like, but there's a thousand distinctions that I've accumulated.

Emilia Smith

(8:21) Yeah, your hard is like a 10 times bigger pie than what I think, you know, you ever see those little tiny pies that are like super mini pies. (8:30) That's like what my conceptualization of what hard is.

Alan Lazaros

(8:33) And you're like, no, no, but it's like a big pie. (8:35) Do you think this is why humility is so important? (8:37) Because if you have humility, you assume it's a big pie.(8:39) Yeah. (8:40) And then you prepare for a big pie eating contest. (8:43) Okay.(8:43) Yeah. (8:44) Metaphorical. (8:44) I like it.(8:45) Yeah, that's good. (8:45) Nice. (8:46) I hope everyone followed along because honestly, that might've been too indirect.

Emilia Smith

(8:50) But what you're saying exactly to kind of bring that around is the fact that when you have a thousand reps of podcasting on me, it's like, I can't even understand what you're saying that hard is going to be. (9:04) And it's the same thing with that client and her partner who has never had kids. (9:08) He literally doesn't have an experience that he can tie to of, oh, right.(9:12) When I try to swaddle the baby or when I try to with multiple kids, get dinner ready or get breakfast ready before we go out to school and they're on their appointments and we get out the house and like all those tiny things. (9:25) There's a lot to what's called cognitively juggle. (9:29) And so if we can't juggle or conceptualize the different domains of data points that we need to be able to understand our partner and what they're trying to communicate, what are the odds that we're going to be butting heads when that moment is needed?

Alan Lazaros

(9:44) So if you do, and I remember there was challenging moments with you podcasting where it was like, I would project my potential onto you. (9:55) One of the things I just didn't understand how much those reps mattered. (10:00) I actually, and again, I don't want to, I think I'm always focused on where I'm trying to go.(10:06) So I actually don't think I'm very good. (10:07) Right. (10:08) Because I focus way more on what needs to improve.(10:11) However, when we first started, I was like, am I awesome? (10:15) Holy crap. (10:16) Because you don't realize how much those reps pay off over time.(10:20) And so I asked her, I said, how obvious is it that he never had kids before? (10:23) She's like, oh my God.

Alan Lazaros

(10:25) Exactly.

Alan Lazaros

(10:27) And it's like, okay, well, it's time for you to be a better teacher and for him to hold humility and let you be the teacher as well. (10:34) That's the other piece. (10:35) I remember at one point I had to like, can I take the marker?(10:37) You know, I have a podcast production company, right? (10:40) And so at the end of the day, direct communication is I need blank. (10:48) Now, here's the problem.(10:50) Can you blank? (10:51) I asked her directly. (10:52) I said, does he think he's better than he is?(10:55) And she said, yes. (10:56) And I said, I know, because that's the root cause of this issue.

Emilia Smith

(11:00) And you're being cowardly. (11:01) So when you are cowardly, you're indirect, and then you have a partner who thinks that they're better than they are and hasn't had any humble pie. (11:10) And you're unwilling to give it because when you're being direct, one thing that you're not willing to give it directly because it might cause a fight or a challenge.(11:18) And one of the things that I'll just speak from the feminine perspective, if you're directly communicating what you need, what you want, what needs to happen.

Alan Lazaros

(11:24) And you come off as a B word.

Emilia Smith

(11:26) Yeah, right. (11:26) And women have been conditioned to not be that way because then that means that we'll put at risk our whatever it is. (11:34) And if you have kids, you're not going to quote unquote, you're literally not going to put at risk anything that gets in the way of your male counterpart supporting your biological child that you had with them.(11:45) It's literally against your biology.

Alan Lazaros

(11:48) So do you have to... (11:50) Do you have to be willing to be a bitch, number one. (11:51) You have to be willing to be perceived as one.(11:53) True. (11:53) Right? (11:54) And that doesn't make it true.(11:55) No. (11:55) Yeah.

Emilia Smith

(11:55) Being direct doesn't mean you're a B-I-T-C-H. (11:58) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(11:58) It means you're an effective leader.

Emilia Smith

(12:00) And you're an effective communicator because you're going to get it through their head.

Alan Lazaros

(12:02) So I like the military.

Emilia Smith

(12:04) Me too. (12:04) I'm with it.

Alan Lazaros

(12:04) Yeah. (12:05) Straight. (12:05) So, right?(12:06) Because when it's life or death, it's okay to be a bitch.

Emilia Smith

(12:09) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(12:09) All of a sudden, the circumstances require that. (12:11) Yeah.

Emilia Smith

(12:12) The necessity is welcomed. (12:14) In intimate relationships, people don't realize the necessity of direct communication.

Alan Lazaros

(12:19) Yeah.

Emilia Smith

(12:20) Because they're not focused on what they have to lose in those moments. (12:23) Okay.

Alan Lazaros

(12:24) So to make this, to land the plane on this, number one, you have to figure out who is more competent in each arena. (12:30) You have to. (12:30) Got to.(12:31) Like, I've never had cats before. (12:34) You have. (12:35) Why would we listen to me?(12:37) You know, the humility is everything.

Emilia Smith

(12:40) Guys struggle with that. (12:42) Why do guys struggle with that so much? (12:43) Because I know with, and I know any guy watching to this, you're going to have a hard time with this.(12:48) So I'm just going to call that out.

Alan Lazaros

(12:50) Well, they are now.

Emilia Smith

(12:52) No, but me saying that you are an extremely humble man. (12:55) There's this, what I've noticed with working with men is there's this huge protector that really struggle with a man that is actually more competent in an arena that they're talking about, who is more humble. (13:07) It's like turn off, shut off, their protectors get activated.(13:10) Really? (13:10) So yes, absolutely. (13:11) So why do men struggle with the humility component from what you've observed as a man and what you've observed as a coach?

Alan Lazaros

(13:21) I think they're fearful of being seen as incompetent. (13:25) And I think that they've been conditioned to constantly put themselves in a position of effective competence. (13:37) It really comes down to that.(13:38) Like I told you growing up, if I ever did anything that was subpar, you'd get made fun of.

Alan Lazaros

(13:46) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(13:46) Like if you, let's say you're a little kid and you can't do a chin up, you get made fun of by all your buddies who can do it. (13:52) It's like immediate, it's bad. (13:53) It's bad.

Emilia Smith

(13:54) So would you say like guys or boys that grow up to be adults, they're kind of taking that fear and projecting it onto their female counterpart, essentially that they're going to be seen as less than and not welcome?

Alan Lazaros

(14:08) Which is wild because it's the opposite. (14:10) Right. (14:10) Yeah.(14:11) So, and again, I've been coaching women for 11 years. (14:14) It's very clear that humility is the most important character trait. (14:17) Like if women were to, if you took 100 women and you asked them a random sample and you asked them what is the most important character trait in your male counterpart, humility would come at the top of that list.(14:28) Yeah. (14:28) Yeah. (14:29) And I, maybe they wouldn't identify with that word.(14:31) Maybe they wouldn't use that word, but it would be, I want a man who cares more about getting better than being great.

Emilia Smith

(14:39) Or who's willing to admit that they're wrong.

Alan Lazaros

(14:41) Yeah, exactly.

Emilia Smith

(14:41) Or willing to admit that I actually know more than them in this arena.

Alan Lazaros

(14:45) Do you remember the quote that you gave in the relationship talks event? (14:48) It was, she doesn't want to leave you. (14:52) She's losing the capacity to care.(14:54) Yeah. (14:54) And I think losing the capacity to care, and this is what a client said to me recently. (14:58) She said, if I am direct with him, he's going to get defensive and then three hours later, he's going to realize that I was right, quote unquote.(15:05) Now, right and wrong, I think optimal and suboptimal.

Alan Lazaros

(15:09) Or accurate or inaccurate.

Alan Lazaros

(15:10) Yeah, exactly. (15:10) And I think that's a better, accurate and inaccurate is good. (15:13) And the truth is, the whole is supposed to be greater than the sum of its parts.(15:18) If you're seeing something that I think, this happened earlier. (15:21) If you're saying something that I think is inaccurate, I'm supposed to share my perspective. (15:26) You share your perspective and then the truth ball comes out.(15:29) We call it the truth ball.

Emilia Smith

(15:30) Put it in the trough.

Alan Lazaros

(15:31) Put your perspective in the trough. (15:33) Take that one out because that's horse shit.

Emilia Smith

(15:34) All right.

Alan Lazaros

(15:35) But here we go.

Emilia Smith

(15:36) So a lot of women have a lot of experience with them putting their truth balls in. (15:39) That is subjectively or way more objectively true in a situation. (15:45) And men just pulling that out and tossing it because of this component that we're talking about.(15:50) So the fact that they're fear if they're incompetent and they might not have any truth balls at all because they're not focused on observing in truth. (15:59) They're focused on making sure that they cover up where they're incompetent. (16:03) And so why I mentioned that is that's the conditioning that we were talking about earlier with women struggling with being direct communication because it's like, well, that might put at risk our connection and that might disconnect us.(16:15) And then I'll be responsible for that because there's no way that my male counterpart is going to take accountability for that per the lack of humility.

Alan Lazaros

(16:23) Per the lack of humility. (16:24) That's the root. (16:25) Humility, inward humility.(16:27) And I say inward because I think that some people appear humble that aren't. (16:32) What's the difference between inward humility and outward humility?

Emilia Smith

(16:34) One of them is a fucking show. (16:36) Yeah, one of them is pretend humility. (16:38) If I'm a male listener right now, listening to this right now and I'm kind of open to this conversation, I've realized like, oh man, I've been so socially conditioned as a man to be this way.(16:49) And Alan, you're kind of showing me a little bit of a different way of being a man that actually would be way better in terms of what my partner needs, what she's been asking for. (16:58) But deep down, I have this big protector that won't let me loosen up. (17:02) What would help me identify what is external humility and what would help me see what is my internal humility?

Alan Lazaros

(17:09) External humility is you do something that everyone sees that's great. (17:15) And then when they compliment you on it, it's like, no, no, no, no. (17:18) I mean, I appreciate it, but, you know, no big deal.(17:21) And it's almost a status increase to do something great and to pretend it's no big deal. (17:26) Even though, you know, they're like, yeah, I'm the man. (17:29) Inward humility is I care about getting better more than looking good.(17:33) That's the best way I can describe it. (17:35) It's like I care about actually learning and getting better more than looking great. (17:40) And ironically, if you care more about learning and getting better, you end up great in the long run.(17:46) You end up looking like an idiot along the way, which is the problem.

Emilia Smith

(17:50) Yeah, and if you care more about perception, then you're likely going to stop that, which is actually going to get you better and be more effective with your partner in the long run.

Alan Lazaros

(17:57) I've been humbled by that. (17:58) As a business coach, peak performance coach, I have come to a place where it's like, oh, it matters more that I'm seen as a peak performer than actually being one. (18:08) That's crazy.(18:11) And the truth is you want to know who's a humble man or a humble woman, quite frankly, is the inside is better than the outside. (18:18) But from the outside in, they might look like they're failing, but they're failing forward.

Alan Lazaros

(18:22) Right.

Alan Lazaros

(18:22) And someone who has it all buttoned up and always puts themselves in a position to make sure they're in the perfect light. (18:28) They are not. (18:30) They're a mess behind the scenes.(18:31) Trust me. (18:31) And they haven't faced the lick of this part. (18:34) But anyways, back to the point here, being direct.(18:36) She needs to suck it up and be more courageous and be more direct and call him out for being arrogant.

Alan Lazaros

(18:42) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(18:42) And she needs to say, I need you to be more humble. (18:45) I need you to take my perspective. (18:47) I've been parenting for 18 years.

Emilia Smith

(18:49) I need you to ask me what I need of you before you go out for baseball or whatever. (18:55) Right.

Alan Lazaros

(18:55) And he needs to be direct in his communication of what he needs for his priorities too. (19:02) And they have to be able to be direct with each other because otherwise they're just doing this. (19:08) They're not a good team.(19:09) They're not effective. (19:10) And then everybody suffers.

Emilia Smith

(19:11) So to kind of slowly bring all of this together for anyone that's listening to this episode, how direct is your communication? (19:20) What would you say is a way to assess green, yellow, red, the directness so that if they are improving on this, let's say they take this episode and they take one action out of it, how would they know that they're getting in the right direction? (19:35) I like the truth dial you have.

Alan Lazaros

(19:36) So we have a digital asset called the truth dial. (19:39) I'll put it in the, it's actually a Next Level University branded one. (19:42) Do you have one?

Alan Lazaros

(19:43) Okay.

Alan Lazaros

(19:43) Yeah. (19:43) We're going to put the truth dial in the show notes. (19:45) It's just an image.(19:46) Yeah. (19:47) It's basically a dial on your heart of how honest you are about expressing what you really think and what you really feel.

Emilia Smith

(19:52) That's really what you really need. (19:54) Right? (19:54) Exactly.(19:55) Especially because what we're talking about in terms of why communication, let's go back down to first principles. (20:00) Why communication exists is because you two are trying to be a better team. (20:03) Like that's bar none.(20:04) All couples are trying to be a better team. (20:06) A hundred percent. (20:07) Or trying to not be a terrible team.(20:10) It's the same, same, but different, right? (20:12) But the way in which you're going about it, one is trying to gain and one is trying not to lose. (20:17) And most couples find themselves trying not to lose.(20:22) And then they find us and they realize there's another alternative. (20:25) You can try to win together as a team.

Alan Lazaros

(20:27) So in the conscious, the Relationship Talks virtual events and in the Relationship Talks coaching, what we've done is we've created a culture where being direct is okay. (20:39) And I'm going to give you an example. (20:40) This is like a hardcore example.(20:42) So it's going to be uncomfortable. (20:44) You're allowed to say, Hey, partner, I love you. (20:51) And I think you're getting a little bit fat.(20:53) Okay, I knew you'd laugh at that. (20:55) But what are you going to do? (20:56) Dance around it for the next 30 years while the person gets more and more overweight.(21:00) And then they're going to say, why didn't you tell me? (21:02) And they see a photo of them on Facebook that got posted. (21:05) At the end of the day, direct communication, as long as it's done with heart and compassion, is necessary for growth.(21:12) Like I can't even, it's like, hey, another. (21:15) I think you've been drinking a little too much lately. (21:17) Like you have to be able, but we're so delicate that we can't hear any feedback and you can't get better without feedback.(21:25) You can't. (21:26) Like go time your mile. (21:28) I ran a mile yesterday and it was so alarmingly brutal and it was only a 714.(21:34) And I'm like, I thought I was in better shape than that. (21:37) You want to know how to stay humble? (21:39) Challenge yourself.(21:40) Stay humble by challenging yourself constantly. (21:43) And the truth is, sometimes you have to challenge your partner because you believe in them, not because you're trying to hurt them, but because you believe in them and because you want to be a better team. (21:51) Listen, if you want a mediocre relationship, there's another podcast for you.(21:54) Yeah, the same. (21:54) If you want a great relationship, this requires direct communication. (21:58) So I need us to go.(22:00) You need us to go more than I do. (22:02) But I'm saying that for you on your behalf.

Alan Lazaros

(22:04) Thank you, love.

Alan Lazaros

(22:04) No, but so I want to read something that I sent to this client because she and her partner are humble enough to consider relationship talks coaching.

Emilia Smith

(22:12) While he opens that up, in closing, the last thing that I want to say on this, if you are projecting, expecting, and then resenting enough time that eventually builds to contempt. (22:24) Contempt is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, according to James, John Gottman's work. (22:30) And so that contempt is where resentment starts to build and then eventually you like choke on it.(22:37) It trips up your relationship to where there's a huge blow up. (22:39) And all of the things that happened in the past that your partner, you guys didn't solve or talk about or figure out. (22:45) That's going to come baffling in in the moment where you least need it.

Alan Lazaros

(22:50) All the times that you weren't direct are going to come fully direct to the throat.

Emilia Smith

(22:55) Oh, yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(22:55) And it's going to be.

Emilia Smith

(22:56) And that tears relationships apart where in past conversations that we've had on this podcast, conflict, like we're talking about what happens when you're not direct. (23:07) It leads to a conflict.

Alan Lazaros

(23:08) You know what I just thought of? (23:10) What? (23:11) In Wicked 2.(23:13) She's like, OK, Greenie. (23:14) Let's go. (23:15) That is all of the indirect crap that they went through before that.(23:20) If you've not seen Wicked 2, you don't know what I'm talking about. (23:22) But basically they get in sort of a fight.

Emilia Smith

(23:24) Yeah, you're going to get in a fight because those things that you never were direct about, they still exist inside of you. (23:30) Your nervous system still remembers. (23:31) You still remember that time you guys didn't talk about the thing that you said you were going to talk about.(23:35) And trust me, couples will blow up and then fall apart at the seams because they don't know how to repair a rupture. (23:42) That's what that's called. (23:43) When that conflict is there.(23:45) And so if we can help you do anything, it has helped you to be more direct, more honest about your communication with yourself and with your partner. (23:52) And this is where Relationship Talks Coaching is so freaking powerful. (23:57) So please go ahead and share what you have, babe.

Alan Lazaros

(23:59) So package one, Relationship Talks Coaching, RTC, traditional model, biweekly four person sessions, biweekly four person sessions. (24:09) That's it. (24:10) So two times a month, four person sessions.(24:13) Package two, Relationship Talks Coaching, hybrid model. (24:15) One four person session per month and two solo sessions. (24:20) Package three, Relationship Talks Coaching, RTC, hybrid pro.(24:24) Two four person sessions per month plus two solo sessions. (24:28) So basically, you can do four person sessions, just that, or you can do where I coach you and you coach the male, she coaches the female. (24:37) We've also got a couple of couples.(24:39) This couple, actually, I'm going to be coaching the female. (24:41) You're going to be coaching the male. (24:42) So very exciting.(24:43) Yeah. (24:43) But at the end of the day, what this is designed to do is make sure you are achieving your goals and dreams together on the same team in alignment with your core values. (24:51) And quite frankly, like I've said before, it's the best work.(24:56) It's the most powerful thing I've ever witnessed in my 11 years in the personal development space. (25:01) It is the most powerful. (25:03) Even just, I mean, we have a couple that just bought a new car today and it's unbelievable.(25:09) They're flourishing. (25:10) Why? (25:10) Because they're behind the scenes doing the work.(25:12) Facts. (25:13) That's what it comes down to. (25:13) Anything you want to add?

Emilia Smith

(25:14) The only thing I've recently heard from a lot of my clients, a lot of female clients that are kind of not pushing, but saying, I need my male counterpart to come up because I've already done this inner work. (25:26) I've already done therapy. (25:27) I've already done coaching.(25:28) And I know, I know, cue the humility in women. (25:31) I know that it's a never ending process, but my partner hasn't stepped foot into a coaching arena, into a therapy arena, to a relationship talks, coaching arena, and I need them to do the work. (25:41) So if you are male (25:42) listening to this right now (25:43) and you are realizing (25:45) that you haven't stepped foot (25:46) in this arena (25:47) and your female counterpart (25:48) is way ahead of you, (25:50) start stepping into the arena (25:52) and honestly reach out (25:53) because we do free service Saturdays (25:55) every single Saturday, (25:56) which is a 30 minute, (25:57) half hour session (25:59) where we literally just help you (26:00) get into the arena (26:01) because the truth be told, (26:03) if you're not in that arena, (26:04) your female counterpart (26:05) is going to leave you.(26:06) She wants to see you do it on your own accord. (26:07) She does. (26:08) She doesn't want you to do it just to comply with what she wants for you.

Alan Lazaros

(26:11) Yeah. (26:11) She doesn't want to force you to do it. (26:12) She doesn't want to drag you up a mountain you don't want to climb.(26:14) Exactly. (26:15) She wants you to climb your own mountain. (26:17) To be with her.(26:18) And then be with her so that your mountains, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. (26:21) It's good stuff. (26:21) I actually have a lot of clients that I coach, that I coach one-on-one and their male counterpart doesn't go anywhere near coaching or therapy.(26:30) And it's all because of this humility thing.

Emilia Smith

(26:32) Yeah. (26:33) And the female counterpart is then kind of stuck into this thing And she's like, I don't want to force him.

Alan Lazaros

(26:37) Right. (26:37) But I don't, and I don't want to leave him either. (26:39) Right.(26:39) I don't want to leave him and then have him do the work.

Emilia Smith

(26:42) Right.

Alan Lazaros

(26:42) I want him to do the work while we're together. (26:44) Right. (26:45) That's not uncommon.(26:46) That's like alarmingly common, actually. (26:48) Okay.

Emilia Smith

(26:48) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(26:48) We got to get out of here, love. (26:49) Anything else you want to add?

Emilia Smith

(26:49) No, that's it. (26:50) I, we invite you and we...

Alan Lazaros

(26:52) The first one's free. (26:53) We're here for you. (26:53) The, the free 30-minute link will be in the show notes.

Emilia Smith

(26:56) Also the digital asset for the truth dial Also an invitation to how to turn conflict into connection, which is our next free relationship talks event that will be hosted June 18th at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, where we actually learn as a conscious couple community how to actually take these skills and with everyone that is also going through this, like actually improve together. (27:19) You're not alone in this journey and that room will show you such.

Alan Lazaros

(27:22) Yeah. (27:22) This community will help you get better just through osmosis. (27:25) All right.(27:26) It's not about you or me. (27:27) It's about the we. (27:28) We'll talk to you next time.(27:29) Hi everyone.

Emilia Smith

(27:31) Thanks for joining us for another episode of the Conscious Couples Podcast. (27:35) We love connecting with the conscious couples community. (27:38) So please check the show notes to connect with us and say hello on social media.

Alan Lazaros

(27:43) If you and your partner resonated with this episode, please leave us a five-star review at the link in the show notes and share this with someone you love. (27:51) Until next time, it's not about you or me. (27:55) It's about the we.(27:56) We'll talk to you next time.