The Hidden Reason You and Your Partner Aren’t Getting Along (228)

What if the real reason you and your partner keep fighting is not the issue itself, but the way you both see the truth? In today’s episode, Emilia and Alan reveal how inaccurate thinking, cognitive distortions, and pride can quietly break trust in a relationship. They share why one partner may be focused on feelings while the other is searching for facts, and how that gap can turn small moments into bigger conflicts.

For conscious couples and growth-minded singles, this episode brings a clear look at humility, emotional safety, communication, teamwork, and the courage it takes to stop defending your story and start building something real. Listen now, because love cannot grow where truth keeps getting twisted.

Show notes:
(3:25) Why accurate thinking matters
(5:06) When one partner wants truth
(7:11) Feelings versus facts in conflict
(8:24) How cognitive distortions hurt love
(10:37) Feeling unseen creates more fights
(13:47) Humility versus arrogance in relationships
(18:07) Courage helps rebuild real teamwork
(19:55) Outro

____________________________

🎁 Book Your First Free Relationship Talk Coaching Session:
https://calendly.com/emiliasmith/30-minute-relationships-talk-coaching?back=1&month=2025-03

📅 Join the next free Relationship Talks Virtual Event #61 on Thursday, July 16th, 2026, at 06:00 pm Eastern Time: "How to Increase Your Self-Worth & Standards in Your Relationship" - https://us06web.zoom.us/meeting/register/q-VuVxvAQPKaoOPN_M1oWQ

____________________________

Follow us on Instagram:
Emilia Smith: @evolvewithemilia
Alan Lazaros: @alazaros88

*Email:* 💬
alan@theweuniversity.com
emilia@theweuniversity.com

Learn more about The Conscious Couples: http://www.theweuniversity.com.

Thanks for joining us for another episode of The Conscious Couples Podcast. We love connecting with the Conscious Couples community, so please make sure you follow us on Instagram. If you enjoyed this episode and would like to hear more, it would mean the world if you subscribed, left us a review, and shared this with someone you love and care about. Until next time, remember, it’s not about you or me; it’s about The We!

Transcript

Emilia Smith

(0:03) Conscious couples, business partners, and individuals, welcome to the Conscious Couples podcast where we share our life, love story, and relationship expertise to help you consistently cultivate the most magnificent relationship possible.

Alan Lazaros

(0:18) Never again will you feel hopeless and alone in your intimate relationship challenges. (0:23) We'll help you have the courage to be your authentic self, communicate effectively, and constructively resolve conflict.

Emilia Smith

(0:31) Having accumulated thousands of hours coaching, speaking, podcasting, and hosting live events with conscious couples all over the world, Alan and I are here to guide you in all things relationships.

Alan Lazaros

(0:45) Thank you again for tuning into the one place where it's not about you or me, it's about the we. (0:55) Conscious couples and individuals, welcome back to another episode of the Conscious Couples podcast. (1:01) Today, we have episode 228, the hidden reason you and your partner aren't getting along.(1:07) Before we jump into this episode, I want to give everyone a reminder why we are here to improve our intimate relationship from the inside out. (1:14) That is all we care about here. (1:16) In this container, we are here to improve your intimate relationship.

Emilia Smith

(1:20) And if you're single to attract your dream partner, sweetheart, ladies first, what's My intention today for our listeners is to help them get closer and closer to a team with their partner of accurate thinking, increasing their accurate thinking, realizing and identifying where or which partner might be inaccurate in their thinking. (1:43) And moreover, just to really have a conversation about something that you and I deeply love and understand so many conscious couples have this hidden underneath a lot of their conflicts.

Alan Lazaros

(1:53) Last night, two nights ago, we were preparing for a relationship talks virtual event, which by the time you're hearing this, it was last Thursday, because this is dropping Monday, how to turn conflict into connection. (2:05) And we used a movie called anyone but you and three clips from that movie. (2:09) And last night, I before we turned on the film, I turned to Amelia and I said, this quote that's really famous is fall down seven times, get up eight.(2:18) And she laughed. (2:21) And I said, you can only get up seven times. (2:24) Why is that a saying?(2:25) And she laughed even more. (2:27) And I said, for engineers, that's a really upsetting saying. (2:30) Understandable.(2:31) Thank you.

Emilia Smith

(2:32) Yeah, I said that last night. (2:33) I was like, why would you say it just doesn't make sense.

Alan Lazaros

(2:36) So for everyone out there watching or listening, if you've ever heard the commencement speech with Denzel Washington, or whoever else fall down seven times, get up eight. (2:44) Oh, it's very modest.

Emilia Smith

(2:45) Yes, of course.

Alan Lazaros

(2:46) And this is just a famous quote through history. (2:49) And as an engineer, this is appalling, because if you fall down seven times, you can only get up seven times.

Emilia Smith

(2:55) Get up seven times. (2:56) Did you fall down an extra time while falling down? (2:57) I'm like, it doesn't math.

Alan Lazaros

(2:59) So the math doesn't math. (3:00) And as an engineer, you come off as a pretentious a-hole when you are constantly correcting people's inaccurate thinking. (3:08) And I can't not do it any longer now.(3:12) But ultimately, as a coach and an engineer, I usually am the one who is trying to help people see things more accurately, more rationally. (3:21) Science makes perfect sense. (3:22) Humans don't.(3:23) And it's bothered me for 37 years.

Emilia Smith

(3:25) You don't have to be an engineer to be holding the line of accurate thinking. (3:30) Memory just came up where, shout out to you, mom, if you're watching, but my mom is always kind of guarding the line of accurate grammar. (3:37) Oh, yeah.(3:39) So there's always someone in the room and in a relationship who's trying to guard a quote-unquote accurate truth or accurate thinking. (3:47) In this case, we're talking about math. (3:50) In the intrusive thought, it was about grammar.(3:53) But when it comes to intimate relationships, accurate thinking is fundamental to teamwork.

Alan Lazaros

(3:59) So the reason why I set the stage the way that I did is because I realize in hindsight my desire for accurate thinking, I presupposed that past partners also cared about that. (4:12) One of the reasons why you and I work so well is because Emilia doesn't care about her opinion or my opinion. (4:17) We are both trying to get to the most accurate perspective of the truth from a 360-degree viewpoint.(4:24) So if you and I both attend the same party, we come home and we do an experience review. (4:30) And on the drive home, I hear your perspective. (4:33) You hear my perspective.(4:34) Two people can attend the same party and have completely different experiences. (4:39) Just because you experienced the party differently than I did does not mean that you are more accurate. (4:44) What we like to do is find the objective truth.

Emilia Smith

(4:47) Which is, on that party, was the dance floor water or was it hard vinyl? (4:57) It wasn't water. (4:58) And that's not up for interpretation or perspective.(5:02) It's just the truth that the party had a dance floor that was hard vinyl.

Alan Lazaros

(5:06) Yes, unless it was a pool party. (5:08) All right, so real quick, the hidden reason you and your partner aren't getting along is because one of you probably cares about accurate thinking more than the other.

Emilia Smith

(5:17) Yeah. (5:18) Unknowingly, too. (5:19) This is something that you and I both have understood through our relationship that like, oh, this is why there's been so many conflicts with past relationships.(5:27) Because we were the bearers of objective truth and accurate thinking. (5:33) And so every person that's a conscious couple, there's usually one that is more of the guarder of the accurate thinking than the other person. (5:42) And that's really difficult to build any dream life together, goal, et cetera, if there's one partner that thinks they're accurate or thinks they're right, but yet doesn't have accurate thinking in the moment.

Alan Lazaros

(5:56) This is why humility is so important, because if you hold humility, and I said this to my business partner, Kevin, a couple of years into our work together. (6:08) So we started a company nine years ago. (6:11) And I told Kevin this, I said, brother, I'm never fully right, but I'm definitely not fully wrong.(6:15) I love that. (6:16) Thank you. (6:17) And I'm certainly more right than you.(6:19) I was being playful. (6:20) But the truth is, is I'm trying to get closer and closer and closer to the accurate objective truth, knowing that I'm not already there. (6:29) So for example, I use this metaphor as a metaphor.(6:34) Gravity is 9.8 meters per second squared. (6:37) All engineers know that, all physics people know that. (6:40) It's not up for interpretation.(6:41) If you jump off a building, that's going to be the acceleration at which you go splat. (6:45) The truth of the matter is, is relationships get messy because it's not as hard facts as science, right? (6:53) Because you can say, well, I was hurt there.(6:55) It's like, okay, that is true. (6:57) That's my truth. (6:58) But if you think you were hurt by something that I didn't actually say, now we have an issue.(7:03) So again, the hidden reason you and your partner aren't getting along is because one person is probably, we've seen this with our conscious couples, our coaching clients. (7:11) One person is probably trying to express their feelings while the other person is trying to get to the accurate truth. (7:17) And that is a goal in conflict.(7:19) And so you and I talked before we went on air here about an example. (7:26) So you and I are excited. (7:27) We are looking, there's no timeline on this, but we're looking for our next home to start our family.(7:35) And if you and I are not accurate in our understanding of our finances, then we will buy a home that we either can't afford or we will sell ourselves short. (7:49) Because you and I, we were thinking to ourselves like, why does accurate thinking actually matter? (7:53) Because intuitively we know why it matters.(7:55) And here's my metaphor. (7:57) If you have a self-driving car and it thinks that a road is a, if it thinks a cliff is a road, it's going to drive off a cliff repeatedly and then blame the world. (8:05) When in reality it's errors in thinking.(8:08) And I feel like that's a good metaphor for human beings. (8:10) As an engineer, this is my funny joke. (8:12) Everyone's driving off a cliff thinking it's a road and then blaming the government or blaming the world.(8:17) When in reality, the reason you're driving off a cliff is because you think wildly inaccurately. (8:22) And same-sies, right? (8:23) We have blind spots.

Emilia Smith

(8:24) Not only do we have blind spots, but I want to introduce the fact that we as human beings, not just in the blind spots, but also right directly where we think we know, we have cognitive distortions where we're not thinking accurately because the way in which our brain is trying to protect us and operating in the world and in intimate relationship dynamics. (8:45) So an example of this is when you and your partner are working together, let's say you are trying to put your home on the market, or you're trying to make sure that you two can buy your dream home. (8:56) For example, if I have a cognitive distortion that in my belief systems, I think that if we hear from a realtor and the realtor is calling me and all of a sudden my brain starts to jump to, oh my goodness, we didn't get the house.(9:11) That's a cognitive distortion that's distorting a truth that didn't even get to me. (9:15) And I'm jumping to a conclusion, which is called catastrophization, where everything's going bad in that moment. (9:22) And so that's not actually what had happened or what might be happening, but these cognitive distortions are there along with our cognitive biases and all of these things our brain does, which prevents us from accurate thinking, not just the blind spots.

Alan Lazaros

(9:37) So if you think inaccurately and your partner thinks inaccurately, not only are you not going to work as a team, but you're also both not going to achieve your goals. (9:46) That's really what we've come down to. (9:49) There's that famous quote where a cat that sits on a hot stove will never sit on a hot stove again after she or he gets burned, but it'll never sit on a cold one either.(9:59) And that's a metaphor for the pains from our past stop us from continuing forward accurately because cold stoves aren't dangerous. (10:09) Only hot stoves are. (10:10) And that's a distinction.(10:11) But you don't know that because of why? (10:13) Because of distortion, cognitive distortion. (10:15) So if you are disagreeing with your partner, even Emilia and I in this moment, what if I don't agree with you that the best way to convey this information is through what you're saying?(10:26) Yeah. (10:26) And that's why we have so many, not you and I, but like couples hurt each other constantly because they have goals in conflict and values in conflict and the errors in their thinking. (10:37) And the other piece of this that we want to bring in is how unseen people feel.(10:41) If Emilia believes that she's paying for 80% of our bills and I believe that I'm paying for 80% of our bills, that is going to turn into a fight unless, unless you and I are mature and humble enough to go, let's look at the data. (10:55) Let's look at the data. (10:56) Yeah.(10:56) Let's go look at our numbers. (10:58) Oh, it turns out we're spending a lot on Amazon, uh, Whole Foods and Amazon owns Whole Foods. (11:04) But the point is, is I think most probably something crazy, like 80%, this is my guess, this is an educated guess, 80% of all fights in relationships come down to one partner is wildly inaccurate and thinks they're not.

Emilia Smith

(11:19) So I wanted to touch on that. (11:21) I have my thumb up to remember to come back to the word humility that you mentioned earlier. (11:25) And per our last episode where we delved into the whole conversation around cognitive labor and invisible, invisible labor, definitely go back and listen to that.(11:35) If you haven't listened to that one yet, we started really talking about how it creates fight in the inequities, right? (11:43) For example, you just mentioned finances. (11:45) If you believe that you pay for X amount and I believe you only pay for X amount, same thing.

Alan Lazaros

(11:49) I'll feel unseen.

Emilia Smith

(11:50) You'll feel unseen. (11:52) Underappreciated and vice versa. (11:53) Right.(11:53) Right. (11:54) And so that concept that you just mentioned, humility, I want us to actually talk a little (11:59) bit about this per this concept and per this whole conversation, because what I tend to (12:04) find when working with individuals and individuals whose partner isn't willing to kind of do (12:10) the work, which is where a lot of our conscious couples are, are recognizing they might be (12:15) at if they're listening to this episode.(12:16) There is a likelihood that the person who clicked on this episode is the one that does have the more accurate thinking, not the higher probability, but not necessarily the more confidence. (12:29) True. (12:30) And so humility, you mentioned earlier about how important it is for, you know, I'm not, I'm never fully right.(12:35) I'm not fully wrong. (12:36) That's why humility is so important. (12:38) The people who believe that they are more right and more true tend to be a little bit more arrogant and has an absence of humility.(12:46) Correct. (12:46) So I want to make sure that we talk about what I see, which is men tend to think that they're right more than they actually are. (12:55) And when I say right in this context, isn't it to attack men?

Emilia Smith

(12:58) It is to recognize.

Emilia Smith

(12:58) Right means accurate, by the way. (13:00) Accurate. (13:00) Exactly.

Alan Lazaros

(13:01) More optimal.

Emilia Smith

(13:01) More optimal. (13:02) Exactly. (13:03) But when we actually start to look at some of the statistics and I'm hearing what the female clients are saying, their thinking is more logical and more accurate.(13:13) A lot of the time. (13:14) A lot of the time.

Alan Lazaros

(13:15) Not always.

Emilia Smith

(13:15) Not all the time at all. (13:17) But the women tend to embody this humility of holding that little asterisk of, I could be wrong, but this is what I think would be better for us in this situation as we try to work towards a goal together. (13:29) So can we define what humility is?(13:32) I know we've done that before in episodes. (13:33) And then can we also make sure that where we go from there is how, if you're a man in this situation or anyone that's struggling to, maybe you think you have accurate thinking, how to suss out where you don't.

Alan Lazaros

(13:47) So I think that the best way to define humility is to first define its opposite, which is arrogance. (13:54) Yeah. (13:54) So I was just on with a client of mine, he has a 28 person team.(13:58) It's actually good because he was at 35 and I think there was a lot of arrogant people working for him. (14:04) So he got rid of them, which is good. (14:06) But arrogance is thinking you are better than you are.(14:10) Humility is thinking you are as good as you actually are. (14:14) And I think false modesty or self deprivation is thinking you're worse than you are. (14:22) So if I think I'm an awesome podcaster and I actually suck, I'm arrogant or naive and ignorant.(14:29) And I think ignorance and arrogance tend to go together. (14:31) But someone who thinks they're a great partner who actually is a sucky partner is arrogant. (14:38) Someone who's actually a great partner who has been convinced that they're not a good partner by an arrogant partner, they are listening to the show.(14:45) For sure. (14:45) Most likely.

Emilia Smith

(14:46) Not always.

Alan Lazaros

(14:46) And that's why podcasting is so hard for me because it's like, I don't know who's listening.

Emilia Smith

(14:50) Right.

Alan Lazaros

(14:50) We want to talk directly to your problem. (14:52) We do so deeply, but we cannot do it. (14:55) That's where coaching comes in.(14:57) So humility is, I think, accurate thinking of oneself. (15:01) It's an accurate view of one's own importance. (15:03) I think.

Emilia Smith

(15:04) And I'm with you. (15:05) And I think, and let me know what your thoughts are on this, because I know we only have like five minutes for this episode. (15:11) To that end, I think humility is what helps to bridge the gap when there's inaccurate thinking.(15:17) Let's say you and I are trying to achieve a goal, which couples are trying to do all the time. (15:21) You know how they say two heads are better than one.

Alan Lazaros

(15:23) That is not true. (15:24) If someone's arrogant.

Emilia Smith

(15:25) I'm with you.

Alan Lazaros

(15:25) A hundred percent. (15:26) But if someone's humble, I'm with you. (15:28) If someone's humble, it's way better.

Emilia Smith

(15:30) A hundred percent. (15:31) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(15:32) The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Emilia Smith

(15:33) And so if you're realizing that a lot of, you know, someone's listening and realizing that a lot of their conflict actually is because, wait a second, I have a partner that actually thinks they're more right and more accurate more of the time. (15:43) That's arrogance. (15:43) Right?

Alan Lazaros

(15:45) Especially if they're wrong.

Emilia Smith

(15:46) Exactly.

Alan Lazaros

(15:47) If you think you're right all the time, you better actually be right.

Emilia Smith

(15:49) Yeah. (15:49) And most likely you're not.

Alan Lazaros

(15:51) Yeah. (15:51) Almost. (15:51) That's the paradox is like, and I've noticed this with you, you tend to say, okay, I don't really know.(15:59) Let's check the data. (16:00) Right. (16:01) And it's like, a lot of times you've surprised me.(16:03) It's like, oh, I was wrong. (16:05) Shit. (16:06) And a lot of times the person with the most certainty is actually the most arrogant, not the most competent.

Emilia Smith

(16:12) Right.

Alan Lazaros

(16:12) And so again, we only have a little bit of time here. (16:14) What do you want to, let's land this plane. (16:17) What do you want to end with?

Emilia Smith

(16:18) What I want to end with is if you're struggling in this dynamic, what is happening in the, it's unzippering your relationship from the inside out. (16:25) You're literally breaking trust when you're inaccurate thinking, but you think you are more accurate than your partner. (16:32) And that breaking of trust is having likely, and you and your partner kind of walk on eggshells around each other.(16:37) And maybe think about like, who knows different stories of, of why you guys are not compatible or why you shouldn't be together. (16:43) And like all that crap starts to kick up because you're breaking trust. (16:47) You're walking on eggshells.(16:48) The cognitive distortions are, are just riddling your relationship.

Alan Lazaros

(16:51) What about the people who aren't stepping up who actually probably are accurate? (16:57) Like if you let's, to land the plane, I'm sorry to interrupt you.

Emilia Smith

(17:00) No, I think, I think standing in your ground of accurate thinking is really difficult. (17:04) And I know from a female's perspective, you have been taught to know that you're wrong. (17:09) So that's why you're so humble.(17:10) You've been taught to think you're wrong, but you aren't most likely. (17:14) More often than not because women walk around with more humility built into their collaboration. (17:20) Statistically, I do believe that that is true.

Alan Lazaros

(17:22) And I've found that in my clients as well. (17:24) And statistically as a coach, you're already getting a sample set that is humble because only humble people get coaches typically, not always, not always. (17:33) And some people get a coach to seem humble when they're not.(17:37) But in the other thing about humility is humility is hard to define because I don't think a lot of people would consider us humble. (17:46) However, inward humility versus outward pretend modesty we've found is very different. (17:52) So to land the plane here, I want to leave with this and I want to hear from you and we'll get out of here.(17:58) If you are the partner who holds more humility, you are statistically more accurate more of the time. (18:07) You need courage. (18:08) Yes.

Emilia Smith

(18:09) Okay.

Alan Lazaros

(18:09) That's all I want to say. (18:10) Courage. (18:12) Courage is the way.(18:12) What would you like to?

Emilia Smith

(18:13) I'm with you. (18:14) That's why I was like, I want you to land the plane. (18:16) Cause I know you and I agree on this 10 out of 10 times that person is likely the person clicking on this episode and you need the courage to be able to talk to your partner about, Hey, I've noticed there's a pattern of arrogance and I don't mean to attack you.(18:30) However, I know it's impacting our relationship. (18:33) I know it's negatively impacting our teamwork and I want to build a dream life. (18:38) We have goals together with you and I'm really struggling to do that because I need your help and you're not giving me what we need in order to be the most effective team ever.

Alan Lazaros

(18:47) I actually don't think you can have a great relationship if your partner is arrogant.

Emilia Smith

(18:50) I'm with you.

Alan Lazaros

(18:51) Yeah. (18:52) And that humble pie is coming.

Emilia Smith

(18:53) I just hope it comes in time. (18:54) Yeah. (18:55) Uh, that's what I said.(18:56) I said to a client earlier, I said, you know, your partner needs professional help because he, he doesn't have the level of humility that he needs to be able to grow with you.

Emilia Smith

(19:03) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(19:04) Nice. (19:04) Okay. (19:05) So humility, courage, and vulnerability.(19:06) Those are the triad of transformation. (19:08) If you want help with that and you are humble enough to get someone in your corner who's going to help you flourish. (19:14) We will help you fly with the Eagles, right?(19:19) Insert metaphor here. (19:20) It's unbeaten. (19:21) We'll have you more dialed in than you've ever been.(19:23) Not only in the relationship, but also in your goals and dreams, build a life together, grow together, not apart. (19:29) Uh, we have a relationship talks, virtual event on what day?

Emilia Smith

(19:33) This is July 16th, I believe, because I can't, I can't see that far actually spreadsheets, but it's the third Thursday of every single month at 6 p.m. Eastern standard time. (19:44) So the topic will be in the link. (19:47) Go ahead and register in the show notes.

Alan Lazaros

(19:48) By the time this episode comes out, the link will be in the show notes, register, or at least check it out to see if you're interested. (19:53) We don't have the topic yet. (19:54) We're going to pick that soon.(19:56) As always, it's not about you or me. (19:58) It's about the, we'll talk to you next time.

Emilia Smith

(20:02) Thanks for joining us for another episode of the conscious couples podcast. (20:06) We love connecting with the conscious couples community. (20:09) So please check the show notes to connect with us and say hello on social media.

Alan Lazaros

(20:14) If you and your partner resonated with this episode, please leave us a five-star review at the link in the show notes and share this with someone you love until next time. (20:23) It's not about you or me. (20:25) It's about the, we'll talk to you next time.