What Core Beliefs Might Be Hurting Your Relationship? (230)

📅 Join the next free Relationship Talks Virtual Event #61 on Thursday, July 16th, 2026, at 06:00 pm Eastern Time: "How to Increase Your Self-Worth & Standards in Your Relationship" -  https://us06web.zoom.us/meeting/register/q-VuVxvAQPKaoOPN_M1oWQ

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The fight underneath. In today’s episode, Emilia and Alan talk about what may be fueling conflict in your relationship, even when the argument seems small on the surface. For conscious couples and singles, this conversation looks at the hidden patterns that shape communication, trust, compatibility, self-worth, and emotional safety.

They share why getting along is not the same as being aligned, how growth changes the way partners handle hard conversations, and what it means to protect your sense of self while still building something strong together. Bring one honest truth to the table, and let it change what happens next.

Show notes:
(2:30) Three types of core beliefs
(5:38) When partners see life differently
(8:31) How conflict reveals hidden beliefs
(10:21) Compatibility is not always enough
(14:21) Growth Vs. Painful compromise
(18:03) Responsibility as a relationship belief
(20:23) Core beliefs activity and support
(23:02) Outro

The We Dictionary:

• Emotional maturity - A key component for a "Partnership built to last," emphasizing honest reflection, responsibility, and the ability to engage in adult relationships.
• Relational Safety - The foundation for "Lasting connection" and "Trust," essential for navigating "Conflict repair" and fostering deep intimacy.
• Responsibility - A core principle emphasized in the podcast, especially in challenging narratives around "Emotional labor" and ensuring "shared responsibility".
• Breaking Autopilot (Operating on Autopilot) - Challenging familiar relationship stories and unconscious patterns to recognize behaviors that drain connection and intentionally choose healthier ways of relating.
• Conflict Repair - Strategies for effective communication and resolution during disagreements, emphasizing how to "Turn Conflict Into Connection."
• Relationship Skills - Practical frameworks and tools taught in "The We University" and "Relationship Talk Coaching" to develop "Emotional literacy" and foster healthy dynamics.

Digital Asset:
The Core Belief Audit - https://drive.google.com/file/d/1BObutQbcxNexDD5v0QHCEISuWr6UPUJU/view

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Emilia Smith: @evolvewithemilia
Alan Lazaros: @alazaros88

*Email:* 💬
alan@theweuniversity.com
emilia@theweuniversity.com

Learn more about The Conscious Couples: http://www.theweuniversity.com.

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Transcript

Emilia Smith

(0:03) Conscious Couples, business partners, and individuals, welcome to the Conscious Couples podcast where we share our life, love story, and relationship expertise to help you consistently cultivate the most magnificent relationship possible.

Alan Lazaros

(0:18) Never again will you feel hopeless and alone in your intimate relationship challenges. (0:23) We'll help you have the courage to be your authentic self, communicate effectively, and constructively resolve conflict.

Emilia Smith

(0:31) Having accumulated thousands of hours coaching, speaking, podcasting, and hosting live events with Conscious Couples all over the world, Alan and I are here to guide you in all things relationships.

Alan Lazaros

(0:45) Thank you again for tuning into the one place where it's not about you or me, it's about the we. (0:56) Conscious Couples and individuals, welcome back to the one and only Conscious Couples podcast. (1:01) Today we have episode 230, What Core Beliefs Might Be Hurting Your Relationship.(1:08) We're going to mix things up a bit today. (1:10) The Conscious Couples podcast is turning over a new leaf a little bit. (1:13) We came with discussion questions, but what's not changing is why we're here, which is to improve your intimate relationship from the inside out.(1:20) Sweetheart, ladies first, what is your intention for today's episode?

Emilia Smith

(1:23) My intention for today's episode is to change with this new leaf and ultimately still have our Conscious Couples be able to pull something that's valuable for their relationship out of this. (1:38) In particular, we're talking about core beliefs and core beliefs. (1:42) We unintentionally hurt each other with how our core beliefs are cropping up in our relationship.(1:47) So if I could have every single person listen to this episode and pull away one golden nugget that they can be like, ah, that's my core belief right there.

Alan Lazaros

(1:56) Emilia and I recently assessed the core beliefs of this podcast, and we've done 230 episodes and we've grown a ton over the last six years of doing this. (2:08) And the core belief that we try to anchor this podcast in is that it's important.

Emilia Smith

(2:14) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(2:14) And so you and I believe core beliefs are really important. (2:18) And so we're going to ground the Conscious Couples podcast in work that might be uncomfortable, might be challenging to communicate, but it's super important. (2:29) And we both believe this is super important.(2:31) So you came with a discussion question for moi and I came with one from moi.

Alan Lazaros

(2:37) So ladies first. (2:39) Yeah. (2:39) So we're having fun.(2:40) All right. (2:40) Question one. (2:41) Cool.(2:42) What are the three types of core beliefs?

Emilia Smith

(2:46) So the three types of core beliefs that all humans have in their head at all times. (2:51) With you so far. (2:53) Good.(2:55) Are a belief or beliefs about ourselves, which is I am a good person, for example. (3:01) We have beliefs about other people. (3:06) Other people are kind.(3:09) For example. (3:11) And then we have the third category of core beliefs, which is about the world at large. (3:16) So the world is a safe place is an example of that one.

Alan Lazaros

(3:20) And so we have some very unique. (3:24) Three core beliefs that whoever that is, is naive. (3:28) I am a good person.(3:29) People love and trust me. (3:31) And the world is a positive, safe place.

Alan Lazaros

(3:33) Right. (3:33) Right.

Alan Lazaros

(3:34) Yeah. (3:34) How old are they? (3:35) What's the contrast?

Alan Lazaros

(3:36) The world sucks. (3:38) The world sucks.

Alan Lazaros

(3:39) Other people are.

Alan Lazaros

(3:40) Yeah. (3:40) People suck. (3:41) And I suck.

Alan Lazaros

(3:42) I suck. (3:43) Yeah. (3:43) So those are.(3:44) Yeah. (3:44) We're going to come up with some good ones. (3:47) Great.(3:47) Thank you. (3:48) I was being playful with that ultimately. (3:49) But whoever that is, is naive.(3:51) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(3:51) So so we talked about this recently. (3:54) And I think. (3:57) Not only our core beliefs in conflict, but I think an empowering belief, the closer you get to accuracy.(4:04) This is my belief. (4:05) And again, I've used this before. (4:06) I want to do it again.(4:08) I got to. (4:09) So self-driving cars. (4:10) OK, we have a car full self-driving.(4:13) This is this is, I think, amazing. (4:17) And a car needs three things. (4:19) It needs to know where it currently is.(4:21) Self-awareness. (4:22) Current position. (4:23) Current position.(4:23) It needs to know a destination location. (4:25) Trust me, if you don't have the destination location in the Tesla will just drive you places. (4:29) We've seen it do that.(4:30) It's like you were supposed to take a right. (4:32) Oh, we didn't plug it in. (4:34) All right.(4:34) And then the third one is updated maps on the terrain. (4:36) So you're younger than me. (4:38) And I don't know if you remember MapQuest.(4:40) Did you use MapQuest?

Emilia Smith

(4:41) I did. (4:41) I thought that was the coolest tool growing up.

Alan Lazaros

(4:44) It is cool. (4:44) And it was hot garbage.

Emilia Smith

(4:46) In comparison to what we have now.

Alan Lazaros

(4:47) Yeah.

Emilia Smith

(4:48) But back then it was legit.

Alan Lazaros

(4:50) It was hot shit versus hot garbage. (4:51) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(4:53) So anyways, MapQuest was a coin toss of whether or not you'd get to your destination.

Alan Lazaros

(4:58) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(4:58) I don't remember that part. (5:00) And I was actually around around my roommate in college. (5:05) His name is Manu.(5:06) And he I'll never forget when we were driving somewhere. (5:09) I think this was like 2010. (5:11) And he used his Android the whole time as his GPS.(5:16) And I was like, wow, this is awesome. (5:19) Yeah. (5:19) Google Maps when it was in its infancy.

Emilia Smith

(5:21) Fun.

Alan Lazaros

(5:22) Anyways, the point I'm making with this is imagine navigating the world when you don't have updated maps. (5:28) And so you think it's a road and you're actually driving off a cliff. (5:31) So now picture that.(5:33) But in this metaphor, you have two cars in a relationship and they're hitting each other.

Emilia Smith

(5:38) Can I translate that into humans? (5:40) Yes. (5:40) Humanoid world.(5:41) So you and your partner, right. (5:43) If you're listening to this, you're maybe curious about what might be hurting your relationship, particularly in the core belief. (5:50) So the examples that I had given where a partner, partner A has a core belief that the world is a safe place.(6:00) And partner B has a core belief that the world sucks and the world is a dangerous place. (6:06) That's going to be hurting your relationship to your analogy, babe, like of the two cars clashing and colliding, because ultimately your core beliefs are complete diametric opposites. (6:16) And these are subconscious and unconscious.

Alan Lazaros

(6:18) Right. (6:18) So these are not necessarily conscious beliefs.

Emilia Smith

(6:22) Right. (6:22) So if I was listening to this podcast and I was trying to figure out like in the in the tactical world that I live in, where would I see that come up? (6:31) Right.(6:32) Like if if you and I were outside and let's say you were partner B, the world sucks and you're playing that core belief and I have I'm partner A in this analogy and I think the world is a safe place. (6:44) What what would that look like and how would we know on a behavioral level?

Alan Lazaros

(6:49) One thing would be maybe you're dressed in in going for a jog at night in revealing clothing and you believe the world is safe to where you would never get abducted. (7:00) I believe the world is unsafe. (7:01) And I don't like that you're in revealing clothing to entice some sort of a kidnapping or sexual assault or whatever.(7:09) That's just an example. (7:10) No, that's a great example. (7:12) But one of the things that I think will land for everybody that I am.(7:16) I don't want to go too far down this rabbit hole, but when the presidential election happened in this country in twenty twenty four. (7:27) The core beliefs in conflict were revealed. (7:31) Yeah, because there were people who were for the president and people who were not for the president.(7:37) And really, regardless of your political views, basically what happened is the unconscious core beliefs in conflict were brought to the surface. (7:46) And you remember you had a bunch of clients that were struggling. (7:48) It's the best example, quite frankly, I say humbly.(7:53) But it was so obvious to me. (7:56) And you and I had zero issue with that whatsoever. (7:59) I mean, I don't want to say zero, but very little because we were in agreement.

Emilia Smith

(8:04) We our core beliefs were in alignment.

Alan Lazaros

(8:07) Exactly.

Emilia Smith

(8:07) And so we naturally agreed. (8:09) We weren't we didn't have a lot of conflicts that would come up and hurt our relationship, where in contrast, there was a lot of clients that I had that were on the brink of divorce and breaking up because their core beliefs were, like you said, revealed through this. (8:23) And that was a really big point of contention for people.(8:25) And honestly, a lot of people did break up, get divorced over things like that. (8:30) Like if you look at the statistics.

Alan Lazaros

(8:31) And one of the things your question is, where do your old core beliefs hold you back in a growing relationship? (8:37) And I think this is a good segue because you some people were able to evolve through that.

Emilia Smith

(8:45) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(8:45) And some people were not. (8:48) And in other words, like, let's say, think of a couple that you were coaching back then or an individual in that relationship, and then they had a huge core belief in conflict that just flared up.

Emilia Smith

(9:01) OK.

Alan Lazaros

(9:02) And you know, you're thinking of one right now. (9:03) Oh, yeah. (9:04) Good.(9:04) OK. (9:05) Did they make it through? (9:06) And if so, why?(9:08) From your perspective.

Emilia Smith

(9:09) So I have one couple that's coming to mind that did not make it through. (9:12) OK. (9:13) And the female in the relationship valued her core beliefs, which the core belief specifically that was in conflict was that it was around homophobia.(9:25) And so her core belief was that love is love and that we shouldn't control people. (9:30) And her partner was on the very opposite end of that. (9:34) Love is not love.(9:35) And you shouldn't like gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry each other. (9:39) And that was something that was really.

Alan Lazaros

(9:41) That's an extreme version, but that's a great.

Emilia Smith

(9:44) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(9:44) Yeah. (9:44) So they because that's a and by the way, if you can't remedy that, you need to break up. (9:52) Now, can you go into what you were talking about before with off air, with compromise?(9:57) And what was the word that you compatibility?

Emilia Smith

(10:00) Yeah. (10:00) Can you talk about that from this frame? (10:01) So in that situation, one would say on the outside that, you know, they like the same stuff.(10:08) They are into the same music. (10:10) They have a similar amount of friends. (10:12) They overlap.(10:12) So they are on the surface level compatible, a.k.a. they can get along and they can be in relationship with one another.

Alan Lazaros

(10:21) However, because you both like tacos, you're going to last forever.

Emilia Smith

(10:26) However, and to that point, compatibility doesn't necessarily like there's a line in compatibility where if one person is unwilling to move or nudge or evolve their core beliefs or develop a (10:40) growth mindset such that you can hold the duality of two things at the same time, which is it requires a tremendous amount of emotional maturity to be able to still love someone that you vehemently disagree with. (10:54) So most couples are compatible and then because their core beliefs are so different, like that couple and unwilling to grow or evolve or develop the emotional maturity that would require them to have a safe and loving and enhancing relationship.(11:13) That's what compatibility they were not ever going to be compatible because neither of them are willing to compromise, quote unquote, on their belief system for the sake of the relationship.

Alan Lazaros

(11:24) Now, just speaking candidly, one of those partners is not willing to evolve from your perspective, right? (11:31) The male was unwilling to evolve.

Emilia Smith

(11:32) Okay, and in all fairness, she was not necessarily willing to see her partner's standpoint because she believed in her bones that that was so it was not okay to take away someone's rights just because of his belief system.

Alan Lazaros

(11:49) Okay, so now let's use a couple that didn't make it through.

Emilia Smith

(11:55) So another couple that I have making it through.

Alan Lazaros

(11:58) We didn't prep any of this, by the way, this is all off the cuff. (12:01) We prepped the discussion questions and that's it. (12:04) So I love that you're going right off of because you didn't know I was going to bring up the politics thing.(12:10) No. (12:11) But I remember that time you and I were good. (12:15) And everyone else was like falling apart.(12:17) Not everyone, but a lot of people were because it can be devastating to realize that you have these deep core beliefs about the world that are that conflicting and polarizing.

Emilia Smith

(12:31) It's really scary for and to use a lot of my clients sentiments. (12:36) It was really, it was a really scary time for people in relationships because it was what I heard a lot from clients was either I have to courageously and vulnerably continue to be who I aspire to be, which is honor my core beliefs, put boundaries in and recognize where and who is unable to be emotionally developed such that they can hold respect to differing beliefs. (13:01) And what if they don't?(13:03) And I know a lot of families got ripped apart as well. (13:06) So the second couple that's coming to mind that did make it through had very similar core beliefs in many things, like how to go about parenting and about themselves. (13:19) But the core belief that was about the world was very different.(13:23) Can you unpack what that core belief is? (13:25) So I'm trying to remember what specifically in the males had it was.

Alan Lazaros

(13:30) But in 2024, the election is what exacerbated this?

Emilia Smith

(13:33) Yeah, yep, yep. (13:35) For lack of better words, in this couple, I wouldn't necessarily is the shining example of people in the best relationship ever. (13:46) But there was compromise, not a meeting of the minds.(13:52) The female in the relationship compromised on her values more than the male in the relationship did. (13:57) And let me explain.

Alan Lazaros

(13:59) So she devolved?

Emilia Smith

(14:01) She no, essentially, she had to boundary off what she believed, and they stopped having conversations about it. (14:12) Yeah, okay. (14:13) So they made it through, but not in the way that that in the ideal world would be ideal.

Alan Lazaros

(14:21) So you and I, we were five years ago or something like that. (14:24) We were at a gathering, and we were talking to someone who had been married for 20 plus years. (14:33) And we always are like, well, what's the secret?(14:35) What do you always want to learn? (14:37) And then we regret that typically. (14:38) But he said, oh, compromise.(14:40) And I was like, oh, that sucks.

Emilia Smith

(14:42) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(14:43) So you compromise your values and your goals. (14:44) Here's the thing. (14:45) In a conscious couples relationship, you shouldn't have to compromise who you are.(14:50) You should have to grow and evolve your thinking. (14:54) Because I find this difficult to explain, but there is like an optimal higher road. (15:02) There is always a higher road.

Emilia Smith

(15:04) Okay, so I love this.

Alan Lazaros

(15:05) If you go together toward that high road back to the car metaphor, take the high road together. (15:12) Together. (15:14) If you don't want to take the high road, and I have to take the high road, then we have to go our separate ways.(15:19) But if you and I can have a discussion respectfully, and then sharpen each other, where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, we take the high road together, not because we're forcing each other to, but because we have been enlightened.

Emilia Smith

(15:33) I love that. (15:34) And what comes to mind for me, as we look at this episode, what if a partner doesn't know what the high road is, but they love their partner so much, and they don't want to grow apart. (15:47) And the partner that sees the higher road says that there, babe, there's a higher road where we can integrate our core beliefs, or we can develop and mature and evolve enough to where we can come together and not stay in the relationship, but evolve together taking the high road.(16:03) And what if there's a partner that's like, I don't see that high road. (16:06) I grew up with this very small mind mindset that I grew up a small town, small world, small belief systems.

Alan Lazaros

(16:14) You have to be willing to give it a shot. (16:15) You have to be willing to temporarily give that other road a shot to see if it is that road, because you might eat the humble pie and go, it turns out this is the low road, my bad.

Emilia Smith

(16:27) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(16:27) And then you take ownership for that and then pivot. (16:29) But I think that one of the things that's been really hard for me, as I've grown 37 now, is to realize how few people are constantly seeking that higher road. (16:45) And I've talked to you a lot about the book High Road Leadership by John Maxwell.(16:49) And I was so excited for that book to come out. (16:51) We were listening to it on our road trip, and I was wildly disappointed. (16:54) It's not a great book.(16:55) But the title and the idea of the high road is something that I live for every day. (17:03) And don't get me wrong, I don't always take the high road, but I'm always trying to. (17:06) And I like to admit when I didn't and then try to get better.

Emilia Smith

(17:10) That effort matters.

Alan Lazaros

(17:11) But if your partner isn't, if their core belief or core goal is not to get better every day, and to be the best version of themselves and to like find the most virtuous high road, you're going to be in some trouble if you are. (17:27) And you just are. (17:30) Now, the problem with this is some people think that they're doing that and they're not at all.(17:34) So the ego can be something that's a blockage to this, too. (17:40) Because what I've found is some of the people that think they're into growth actually aren't. (17:44) And some of the people that are into growth think they aren't.(17:46) They're like, yeah, no, I'm not that into growth. (17:47) But they actually kind of are.

Emilia Smith

(17:49) That's the paradox of belief.

Alan Lazaros

(17:50) That's the paradox of belief. (17:51) And that's probably another episode. (17:52) But yeah, what would you say?

Emilia Smith

(17:54) Well, as I look at this episode topic again, what core beliefs might be hurting your relationship? (17:59) There's one that you and I have been talking about a lot as of late. (18:03) When it comes to responsibility, and this is one that we found in the conscious couples community is a silent, sneaky, hurting relationship.(18:13) And I think we should talk about it. (18:15) And this one's about do you believe it is your responsibility to get better every single day? (18:23) Do you believe it's your responsibility to be the change you wish to see in the world?(18:27) Perfect. (18:28) Do you believe it's your responsibility to take care of your own health? (18:31) But like all of that, there's so many core beliefs around responsibility that one partner might have that the other one doesn't.(18:40) And that's when that hurts relationships all the time.

Alan Lazaros

(18:43) I'm thinking of someone in my life who I grew up with. (18:46) And we could not coexist in really consistent ways without conflict because she does not share that core belief. (18:56) Not only does she not have the core belief of my life is my responsibility, but she definitely doesn't share the belief I have of the betterment of the world is my responsibility.(19:08) It is my responsibility to be the change that I wish to see in the world. (19:12) You and I both hold that. (19:13) And I tried to explain this to people in the past where it's like in past relationships, I always had to make it work.(19:20) I'm in alignment and then I have to go make it work and then I get back in alignment. (19:24) With you, it already works. (19:26) Just don't fuck it up.(19:28) And I know, right? (19:28) It's funny, but it already works because we already share such foundational core beliefs. (19:35) And occasionally we have to tease them out and then retie them together with a stronger rope.(19:40) Particularly in 2024, we had a little bit of that. (19:43) But like, overall, it's not like I wake up every day. (19:47) You literally have the quote on our fireplace, be the change you wish to see in the world.(19:52) I've been saying that for 11 years and I felt it long before that. (19:56) So if you're out there watching or listening, I know we got to jump here. (20:00) Check in with these.(20:03) And if you are constantly having challenges, the root cause of those challenges can come down to a core belief in conflict about yourself, others or the world or all three. (20:18) And that is something that you can discuss and uncover and get off autopilot.

Emilia Smith

(20:23) A hundred percent. (20:24) As a matter of fact, there's definitely a core belief assessment activity that we will have. (20:29) And if you're interested in that, click the link in the show notes or email emilia at the weuniversity.com.(20:36) There's absolutely core beliefs that we see come up again and again with couples, specifically around the responsibility. (20:43) One that's like blaring in my ear right now that I hear all the time is, well, happy wife, happy life, aka my wife has a core belief that it's my responsibility to make her happy. (20:54) And in the world of 21st century females and males, there's a lot of conversations that are not being had around core beliefs.(21:01) And then there's arguments, conflicts and fights that are just occurring. (21:05) And then there's so many hurt hearts on the other end of that that are not repairing and doing the necessary skills to be in and tend to and get a better relationship as you go sail into the sunset in your 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s.

Alan Lazaros

(21:21) Happy wife, happy life is like, oh, it's if I just make her temporarily happy, my life won't suck. (21:28) And then there's the ball and chain. (21:29) All these are just shitty metaphors that are really holding back your relationship and your growth.(21:36) So I know we got to jump here. (21:38) So we have a Relationship Talks virtual event coming up, Love.

Emilia Smith

(21:42) Yes, the RT event that we invite you to, the link to register is in the show notes, how to increase your self-worth and standards in your relationships. (21:50) That will be July 16th at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, the third Thursday of every single month.

Alan Lazaros

(21:57) You will not have self-respect and self-worth if you constantly compromise your core beliefs and your standards. (22:04) Come learn how to make sure you are not doing that. (22:07) Anything you want to add before we go?

Emilia Smith

(22:09) The only thing is we work with a lot of couples that are in different generations. (22:14) Every generation has usually this whole set of core beliefs about themselves, others in the world. (22:21) And shout out to the RTC couple that we had talked with today.(22:27) This is July 4th. (22:29) And I just want to share that because so many people realize that the things that they're going through, it's just a them thing. (22:35) Yeah, it's not.(22:36) It's not. (22:36) It's definitely not. (22:36) There's core beliefs that so many generations have.

Alan Lazaros

(22:39) My favorite part of coaching is I just realized that I'm not alone in any of this. (22:44) Yeah. (22:46) Although everyone's situation is unique.(22:49) It's really cool to get a sample set. (22:51) For example, one that came up today for Gen X men in particular, they tend to feel like a burden when they express their feelings. (22:57) Yeah.(22:57) I don't know where that started, but that is not helping.

Emilia Smith

(23:00) So anyway, it's to be continued.

Alan Lazaros

(23:02) We definitely should. (23:02) Yeah. (23:02) All right.(23:03) As always, we appreciate you. (23:04) Thank you for listening. (23:05) It's not about you or me.(23:06) It's about the we. (23:08) We'll talk to you next time.

Emilia Smith

(23:10) Thanks for joining us for another episode of the Conscious Couples podcast. (23:14) We love connecting with the Conscious Couples community. (23:17) So please check the show notes to connect with us and say hello on social media.

Alan Lazaros

(23:22) If you and your partner resonated with this episode, please leave us a five star review at the link in the show notes and share this with someone you love. (23:30) Until next time, it's not about you or me. (23:34) It's about the we.(23:35) We'll talk to you next time.