Have You Lost Belief in Your Dream Relationship? (232)

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In today’s episode of The Conscious Couples Podcast, hosts Emilia Smith and Alan Lazaros speak to conscious couples and singles who have lost faith in their dream relationship. After breakups, divorce, or painful patterns, it can feel safer to expect disappointment than to believe love can be different.

Emilia and Alan share why your past does not have to decide your future. They discuss how belief shapes your choices, what you invest in, and whether you stay open to healthier love. Learn how to build relationship skills, get clear on your values, and recognize the difference between healthy hope and denial.

Show notes:
(2:14) Why past failures create self-doubt
(5:01) Growth changes your relationship future
(7:08) Belief helps you see new options
(11:50) Create clear partner and self-values
(15:17) The belief and investment loop
(17:10) Real growth takes patience and skill
(20:43) When should you stop investing?
(21:26) Denial Vs. Healthy relationship hope
(22:13) Learn signs of emotional abuse
(23:47) Outro

The We Dictionary:

• Failing Forward - A concept encouraging growth through mistakes and using challenges as opportunities for "Honest reflection" and learning.
• Limiting Beliefs - Unconscious assumptions and narratives that hinder "Emotional maturity" and prevent the cultivation of a "Partnership built to last."
• Quick Fixes - Contrasted with the commitment and "Real effort" required for "Lasting connection" and a "Partnership built to last."

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Alan Lazaros: @alazaros88

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Transcript

Emilia Smith

(0:03) Conscious Couples, business partners, and individuals, welcome to the Conscious Couples podcast where we share our life, love story, and relationship expertise to help you consistently cultivate the most magnificent relationship possible.

Alan Lazaros

(0:18) Never again will you feel hopeless and alone in your intimate relationship challenges. (0:23) We'll help you have the courage to be your authentic self, communicate effectively, and constructively resolve conflict.

Emilia Smith

(0:31) Having accumulated thousands of hours coaching, speaking, podcasting, and hosting live events with Conscious Couples all over the world, Alan and I are here to guide you in all things relationships.

Alan Lazaros

(0:45) Thank you again for tuning in to the one place where it's not about you or me, it's about the we. (0:56) Conscious Couples and individuals, welcome back to another episode of the new and improved Conscious Couples podcast. (1:02) Today we have episode 232, Have You Lost Belief in Your Dream Relationship?(1:09) As you can see, we have a new upgraded logo, if you're on YouTube, grow together, not apart. (1:16) Before we jump to this episode, I want to remind everyone why we are here to improve your intimate relationship from the inside out, sweetheart. (1:24) Belief in your dream relationship, what is your intention for today's episode?

Emilia Smith

(1:28) My intention for our listeners and for this episode in particular is to not only just see where you might have lost a little bit belief, but where you can regain and build belief towards your dream relationship. (1:42) Because I think that when it comes to conscious coupling, we have the courage to look in the areas that maybe are uncomfortable, while also the willingness to move forward and rebuild.

Alan Lazaros

(1:53) So we each come with discussion question. (1:56) One discussion question each. (1:58) But you also have someone recently who has struggled to believe in their dream relationship.(2:05) Yeah. (2:05) And you said that they've been through three different failed quote unquote relationships and they're having trouble believing in their relationship. (2:13) Do you want to start there?

Emilia Smith

(2:14) Yeah. (2:14) So, you know, this is something that I hear often and it's around kind of the topic of self doubt and self doubt is very much close to the loss of belief, really. (2:24) And so this client has had three marriages, from my understanding, or three different relationships and to use their words, it feels silly to think that if I were to go put myself out there again, it would be any different.(2:40) And when I heard that, not only this person's sentiment, it makes me so sad because it's number one, I get it. (2:48) I get that there's maybe a part of you that recognizes the track history, right? (2:53) And it really all ends in failure, failure, failure.

Alan Lazaros

(2:55) I've felt that way before you.

Emilia Smith

(2:57) Right. (2:57) Why would you ever believe in this quote unquote, things will be different? (3:00) And even thinking that that's a possibility might feel silly in your nervous system after years and decades, you know, experiences like this, where it's kind of just not gone the way in which you want it to.

Alan Lazaros

(3:13) Yeah.

Emilia Smith

(3:13) However, I think that it's really important to recognize that it's not a silly or stupid thing. (3:19) If you have a willingness to change, to evolve and to couple with someone very consciously and differently. (3:27) And I think that it's ironic because the people who lose doubt in themselves, they are usually the ones that are showing up, getting coaching, getting help, getting support, and sometimes fear overpowers them to even remotely go near the thought of what a dream relationship could be.

Alan Lazaros

(3:44) One of the things that I think has been really, I don't know if sad is the right word, but yeah, probably sad to realize is, so my first relationship was when I was 16 and a half, my first serious-ish relationship was when I was 16 and a half. (4:02) And I was a junior in high school and she was a sophomore in high school. (4:06) And when you look back and I'm 17, almost 17, there's no way that version of you can really be successful in a relationship.(4:19) It's so obvious now, right? (4:21) But at the time, because you don't know anything, you don't have any failing forward, you just have failing. (4:29) No, no.(4:30) But I think it is fascinating and I use this as a metaphor. (4:33) I know it lands sometimes and a lot of people don't like it because it's relationships, but this iPhone 17 Pro Max is unbelievable. (4:44) Just got it last week.(4:45) I love it. (4:46) It's unbelievable. (4:48) And in 2007, I was a senior in high school and I think you may or may not have still been in middle school, my love.(4:54) But Steve Jobs and Apple came out with the very first iPhone. (4:58) And I think this is the best metaphor. (5:01) What was once a revolutionary breakthrough product, the best on the market in the world now would be atrocious garbage compared to this thing.(5:11) Why? (5:12) Because this thing got innovated and improved over and over and over again. (5:17) This is 17 iterations based on failures and innovation and hey, how do we make the camera better?(5:22) And the same is true. (5:23) So this client of yours, he's judging his future based on the past instead of I am actually more capable now than I've ever been ever of having a successful relationship. (5:39) So before I met you, I want to correct something I said earlier.(5:44) I felt a little hopeless before I met you. (5:47) Probably six months before I met you, I was like a little bit hopeless, six to eight months. (5:51) And it was like for me, the hopelessness, the lack of belief in my dream relationship was is my person actually out there?(5:59) Am I going to find someone who has all of these qualities who actually gets me? (6:06) And I didn't believe you existed, but I had to have faith, which is belief in something you can't see yet. (6:12) And fortunately I did.(6:13) But I remember I had a conversation with my business partner at the time, Kevin. (6:16) He said, it makes sense that you don't have confidence. (6:18) He said, first of all, I've never seen you not confident.(6:20) What the hell is this? (6:21) I was like, I know it's the worst. (6:23) And he said, but it makes sense that you're not confident because this is the one area you've never really succeeded in, whereas everything else, my goals and dreams all for the most part have come true and or are in the process of coming true.(6:35) And I was like, OK, I'm going to believe that she exists. (6:39) Oh, yeah. (6:41) Even if I have zero evidence whatsoever that she exists.(6:46) And fortunately, I met you six to eight months later, which was unbelievable. (6:51) Right. (6:52) But so so for anyone out there who's struggling to believe in their dream relationship or their dream partner, this is the conversation we have to have.(7:01) So so the discussion question that I came with is why does keeping high levels of belief in your dream relationship actually matter so much?

Emilia Smith

(7:08) High levels of belief in your dream relationship. (7:12) Why does it matter so freaking much? (7:14) Well, what I can say in studying belief and how it impacts us and how it impacts our behaviors is that if you don't, you're going to literally close down seeing all the areas that might very well lead you down the path of actually finding the little data points or the tools that will help you build a dream relationship.(7:35) So, for example, if all of a sudden you just decide to give up on building your dream relationship, you're going to not run into, for lack of better words, the opportunities like, let's say, for example, Relationship Talks Coaching or the CCP podcast that is out there trying to find people who are willing to build, who are wanting to build, who are trying to build. (7:58) And that might be one podcast that might totally change your perspective and your vantage point on what you have had kind of when you're in that stuckness. (8:06) And so keeping it is so critical, even if there isn't yet evidence, because like you said, this client, he's judging the future based on the past, based on the past.(8:18) And how can you ever change a trajectory if you're not willing to at least see a different one?

Alan Lazaros

(8:22) Well, let's unpack that more, because I actually think I'm reading a book called Beyond Belief. (8:27) It's by Nir Eyal. (8:28) He actually reached out to me earlier today because I tagged him in the post.(8:33) Yeah, he wants to potentially do the book club. (8:37) So we'll see. (8:38) But I met him.(8:39) I interviewed him years ago. (8:40) But this book, Beyond Belief, is rock solid from my understanding. (8:43) It's excellent.(8:45) It is excellent. (8:45) I don't say that lightly. (8:47) I'm careful about saying that because I'm not fully through the book yet.(8:51) And I'm afraid that I read a book once where the last chapter was like, OK, and I'm ripping this book up. (8:56) And I did. (8:57) I don't have that book anymore.(8:58) But Beyond Belief and Nir, I like his books a lot. (9:01) And I like him and I've met him. (9:03) So anyways, Beyond Belief.(9:06) But the point that I'm making here is that in the book, it talks about how if you don't have a belief in that potential goal or that potential future, you will, to your point, you will not see the tools, the resources, the persons, places, things and ideas that might help you get there. (9:23) Now, the downside of having a lot of self-belief is you also might fall into a lot of traps. (9:28) So, for example, if you have a goal to get rich and believe it's going to happen and then I sell you $10,000 to get rich quick, like you will see that and potentially do it and learn the hard way that that's not real.(9:39) So. (9:40) But it's better than not thinking anything is possible. (9:42) So I think there's a five here.

Alan Lazaros

(9:44) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(9:44) You know, overly belief is delusional.

Alan Lazaros

(9:47) Yep.

Alan Lazaros

(9:47) I want to marry a unicorn who rides on a rainbow and who like that's delusional. (9:54) But then there's there's the other side, which is where most people are, which is. (9:58) I don't believe it's possible.(10:00) Denial. (10:00) Yeah, exactly. (10:02) And I have a client I was on with last night who's like that my person isn't out there, like there's no evidence whatsoever.(10:07) I said, you're 31. (10:09) I know it's fine. (10:10) What do you mean?(10:11) There's I said there's 14 million people in Massachusetts alone. (10:14) Do you think that you're do you think that at least one in a thousand, one in a thousand men, I said, all you're looking for is a kind soul who's a man who has a genuine, sincere desire to reach his potential. (10:28) Do you think that that exists?(10:30) She's like, no. (10:31) I'm like, OK, we have to work on that. (10:33) Then what about one in a thousand?(10:34) She's like, yeah, probably. (10:35) I said, OK, well, then even in just this state, there's whatever 14 million divided by a thousand is there's there are these people. (10:44) And so you have to have that belief.(10:47) You have to believe it's possible, possible for you and that it'll be worth it. (10:50) And you have to put in the work. (10:52) Now, here's the thing.(10:53) You have to believe that the person exists. (10:55) You also have to believe that you can attract them. (10:57) You have to believe that you are the right person for them to write.(11:02) There are a lot of stars that have to align. (11:04) You know, in hindsight, I'm sitting here going, this is a miracle. (11:08) Genuinely, because the science of achievement is my favorite thing ever.(11:11) And like my other goals, I always tell Kevin, it's like, brother, he's like, this is amazing. (11:15) I can't believe it's like, brother, this is exactly what I planned. (11:19) If anything, this is not even close to what I but with you and me, babe, this is beyond what I thought was possible.(11:26) And this is the only thing I can say where that's the case, because in all my other goals and dreams, it's like, yep, that's exactly what I planned on. (11:35) And if anything, it's taking longer than I thought. (11:37) Whereas with you, love, it's very much beyond what I actually believed at one point was even possible.(11:42) And so I had to believe in something that I had no evidence to. (11:48) And I think that that's a good starting point.

Emilia Smith

(11:50) Yeah, I agree. (11:51) I have this little three tiered elements, see, activate, flourish. (11:57) You and I talked about flourishing and what's required.(11:59) And as you just were sharing some of that, some things that I want to name is, so the belief, even though you have no evidence, that's the seeing, that's not just seeing with your eyes.

Alan Lazaros

(12:08) Did you believe that before meeting me?

Emilia Smith

(12:11) Yeah, yeah, I did.

Alan Lazaros

(12:12) And you wrote down, you have a notebook with all the character traits of the man you wanted. (12:16) And you told me, I would rather you share it.

Emilia Smith

(12:19) Yeah, well, I had all of the character traits, not only of the partner that I wanted to be with in my future, but also like who I aspire to become. (12:29) So it wasn't just like, oh, he has to meet this box, this box, this box. (12:32) It was also like, here's my journey.(12:34) Here's my path. (12:35) Here's who I want to become. (12:37) And that's what I have control over.(12:40) This quote unquote standards list was more so for making sure that it was clear in my head when it when it meaning the person would come across my path, that I wouldn't miss it.

Alan Lazaros

(12:51) Yeah, exactly.

Emilia Smith

(12:52) Because that's my responsibility to notice. (12:54) And that's the seeing, even though you don't have belief or experience in that yet. (12:58) But you did have belief.(13:00) The belief that I built was based off of my experience, the failed experience and what I was willing to do to make sure that I was there. (13:09) So that seeing element, though, there's little elements on those checklists that...

Alan Lazaros

(13:13) Did you have any evidence that a man like me existed prior to that? (13:18) Evidence in the physical world? (13:19) No.(13:20) OK, OK. (13:20) So you had to have faith. (13:22) Yep.(13:22) OK. (13:23) And you make an important point there, too, that I want to bring up, which is I also had you. (13:29) You did a must, must not and negotiables list.(13:32) Yep. (13:32) And I've done my own version of that in the past. (13:34) But more importantly, I focused on what I...(13:37) I'm not expecting Emilia to be magnificent and me. (13:42) Yeah. (13:42) I want to make sure I'm the man that she wants to be with.(13:45) Exactly.

Emilia Smith

(13:45) There's a magnetic feel to the relationships because there's polarity, there's differences, there's nuance. (13:51) And there's also similarities that overlap and attract.

Alan Lazaros

(13:54) Yeah. (13:54) So if I value humility and work ethic and big goals and dreams, I need to embody those first because my partner, if I want them to have big goals and dreams, great work ethic and humility, then I obviously... (14:09) They value that, too.(14:12) Values attract.

Emilia Smith

(14:15) My approach was very, yes, and my approach was very much, how can I make sure that I am the clearest version of myself? (14:22) I am the truest version of myself and trusting that that's going to be the lighthouse for the person that is meant to be with me because they're doing that on the same accord. (14:30) Yeah.(14:31) And I had no physical evidence that that was going to be the case. (14:36) It wasn't like I had met you before and just totally didn't cross paths and or we crossed paths and I was like, eh.

Alan Lazaros

(14:43) To our awareness, we never did, love, until...

Emilia Smith

(14:46) But it was my job to clear what was crystal clear inside of me to make sure that I could open up the path for you to come to me and for you to find me.

Alan Lazaros

(14:55) Yeah.

Emilia Smith

(14:56) And I don't find kind of back to this belief in activation and flourishing. (14:59) I feel like so many people and we hear so many people give up on that work before. (15:05) And there's this expectation that their dream partner should just walk right in.(15:09) And so my question is, what is the ripple effect of lost belief in your dream relationship?

Alan Lazaros

(15:17) So if you do have, we call it the doom loop and the success loop in my coaching, the doom loop is I believe less in it, so I invest less in it, which then makes it less likely. (15:32) And then when it's less likely, I believe in it even less and then I invest in it even less. (15:37) And that's the doom loop that you can use for pretty much anything in the universe, from my understanding.(15:44) So the success loop is I know that my past has been hard and I know there's very little to no evidence that the past, that my dream relationship is possible and I'm the best version I've ever been. (15:58) So I'm going to believe in my dreams, even though I don't have a ton of evidence yet. (16:05) Therefore, I'm going to invest in myself, my growth and trying to attract that person and or pursue that person or both.(16:13) And or change behavior, mindset, behaviors, etc. (16:16) And then that makes it more likely. (16:18) And then I'm going to keep my head out of my ass when I notice it, right?(16:22) Exactly. (16:23) Keep my eyes open or my head out of my ass, either one. (16:26) And then that's going to make it more likely.(16:28) And then I'm going to believe in it even more. (16:30) So it's believe less, invest less, become less. (16:34) That's the doom loop.(16:36) Believe more, invest more, become more. (16:39) That's the success loop. (16:40) And that works for everything from my awareness.(16:45) I have yet in 11 years of coaching individuals from all over this planet, I have yet to identify an area where that belief loop, that success loop doesn't apply. (16:56) However, here's the problem. (16:59) Believe more, invest more.(17:02) Flourish more. (17:03) What happens when you're not flourishing more? (17:06) Do you still believe?(17:08) And that's when people fall over to the doom loop.

Emilia Smith

(17:10) And this is the thing, because people don't level set their expectations when it comes to what it takes to build and how it's like I was talking with another client, the delay and I put it in business terms of like time to delivery, meaning when you make a product, when is it actually show up on someone's front porch, for lack of better words? (17:28) And for babies, it's nine months. (17:30) I'm joking.(17:31) Fair. (17:31) But for relationships and in this, I think people have a very immature perspective on when you believe more and then you invest more. (17:42) That's quick.(17:43) You exchange money really quick. (17:45) But the skill that has to develop in order to increase probability, that takes way much more time because it's far more. (17:51) And that's why I love gardening as the ultimate analogy, because you plant a seed, you have to water the seed and water it again and water and again and water again to like almost a year with no evidence, depending on the plant.

Alan Lazaros

(18:03) Right.

Emilia Smith

(18:04) Well, the bamboo is no evidence. (18:06) And then all of a sudden you see a sprout like I planted wildflowers a couple of days ago and I literally freaked out on watering them today. (18:14) Just dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, ugly, beautiful dirt.(18:16) And it's like seedlings. (18:19) It's like my expectations were heightened or changed in that moment because I thought that it would take much longer for anything even to break the surface. (18:29) When it comes to building a dream relationship, I think if nothing from this episode, checking our expectations on that loop to flourish, invest, see, believe in what you want to build and what dream relationship you want.(18:44) Invest like crazy because the more you invest, the quicker that time goes down. (18:51) But be mindful and discerning.

Alan Lazaros

(18:53) Yeah.

Emilia Smith

(18:53) And...

Alan Lazaros

(18:54) When you say invest like crazy, you mean...

Emilia Smith

(18:56) Don't do the quick fix stuff.

Alan Lazaros

(18:57) Yeah, yeah.

Emilia Smith

(18:57) Make sure that it's skill dependent, meaning if...

Alan Lazaros

(19:01) Don't buy the wonder mop.

Emilia Smith

(19:02) No. (19:02) Let's say, for example, someone's like, okay, I want to invest in RTC. (19:05) It's going to require you to develop skill.(19:07) It's not going to require you not to do anything and sit on the couch with your feet up.

Alan Lazaros

(19:10) So we normally have this happen where a lot of times people will come in and they'll expect quick results. (19:17) Yeah. (19:18) And it's like, we've only been coaching for two months.(19:20) Yeah.

Emilia Smith

(19:20) How do you expect 50 years of trauma and conditioning in 60 minutes?

Alan Lazaros

(19:26) That's impressive. (19:26) Right. (19:26) You can't fix 30 years of neglect in three months, but you can turn the tides.

Emilia Smith

(19:34) Right. (19:35) And that turning of the tides, ironically, in and of itself, you're overcoming that doubt in real time. (19:41) And that's why betting on yourself again and again and again and never giving up, betting on your relationship again and again, never giving up, like is bar none.

Alan Lazaros

(19:49) When should someone stop betting on it, though? (19:51) Because I agree, like no matter what, I know, and this is one of the things you can't explain, because I know you're my person and I know you know that. (20:02) In the past, I remember being like, it's funny, right?

Emilia Smith

(20:07) Because you don't have evidence that supports that belief.

Alan Lazaros

(20:10) But babe, like with you, I never doubted it. (20:14) So it's easy to believe when you already know it.

Emilia Smith

(20:17) You're never going to doubt something that comes into your vortex that has already done the work to bust those doubts even before you engage. (20:25) So it's a whole thing.

Alan Lazaros

(20:26) But real quick, we got to flip the script here for a second. (20:28) I need to talk about the alternative here. (20:30) We got to go on the my new goal in life is to be the least full of shit person on earth.(20:35) Nice, right? (20:36) So we have to flip the coin. (20:39) When does someone know not to keep investing?(20:43) Because we're not saying to believe in a crappy relationship. (20:46) Not overly invest in a crappy relationship. (20:49) When is it time to cut and say, you know what?(20:51) Because if anything, I overly invested in the past, babe. (20:54) Yeah, I have a past relationship that I invested years of my life into that that I I should not I was trying to stay in the success loop. (21:03) I should have been like, no can this thing.(21:06) And I know some people are out there, too. (21:08) So like, how do you know? (21:09) Because I don't want delusion to drive.(21:13) I want accurate thinking and real belief, tangible belief to drive. (21:17) So how does someone know the difference in faith in something you can't see yet? (21:20) Keep watering it, even though it's beneath the dirt versus like, hey, we should stop watering this.(21:24) This is actually a rock, not an acorn.

Emilia Smith

(21:26) I think that the two things that came to mind. (21:29) First thing, denial is the abdication of the discomfort, like the uncomfortable truth that you don't want to admit when no one's around.

Alan Lazaros

(21:37) How do you know when you're in denial?

Emilia Smith

(21:38) When you're in denial, you're convincing yourself. (21:42) It's not just investing in yourself, it's investing in yourself with a convincing attitude that you know is full of shit deep down. (21:49) So to that end, the second thing that I would say is how do you know when you have invested into the primary RAS or just literally reading.(22:01) What's the RAS? (22:03) Reticular activating system, the part of your brain that helps you find if you want something, helps you filter out erroneous or extraneous information. (22:10) Noise, essentially.(22:13) But if you just simply read anything on abusive relationships, specifically emotional abuse, you will see differently that which has been in front of you, aka the signs of no behavior change.

Alan Lazaros

(22:28) So that's when you think, so to clarify, you agree, stop investing if the relationship is abusive and go educate yourself about what that looks like.

Emilia Smith

(22:36) If it's abusive, go into educating yourself with the assumption that abusive tendencies show up in ways that you would never imagine. (22:48) Because otherwise you will go into that with your denial and say, oh, well, he doesn't do that, that, that, that. (22:52) And then you start convincing yourself.

Alan Lazaros

(22:53) Yeah, I've had a client in the past where I said, yeah, but he's not X, Y, Z. (22:57) It's that's like being pumped. (22:58) Your car has three tires.(22:59) Exactly.

Emilia Smith

(22:59) That's where you're literally convincing yourself already right there.

Alan Lazaros

(23:02) And I've done that in the past where it was exactly.

Emilia Smith

(23:05) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(23:05) So don't do that. (23:05) So educate yourself. (23:07) One of the things that I'll share, look up covert emotional manipulation and read up on it, not to try to pin it on someone, but to really educate yourself so that you can understand and see it.(23:17) And if you do see that happening, which you probably will see it everywhere, you will see it everywhere. (23:23) Now you at least can educate yourself and know and awareness is the first step. (23:26) All right.(23:26) So anything you want to share before we get out of here? (23:27) Negative. (23:28) All right.(23:29) Conscious couples and singles. (23:30) We have relationship talks, coaching. (23:32) We will help you flourish, grow together.(23:35) Not apart unless you shouldn't be together. (23:37) In which case that might be true as well. (23:39) We also have a relationship talks, virtual event every month.(23:42) The link will be in the show notes though. (23:43) In the show notes.

Emilia Smith

(23:44) Correct.

Alan Lazaros

(23:44) Okay. (23:45) Click that. (23:45) That'll be the day.(23:46) Mark your calendar. (23:47) Um, as always, it's not about you or me. (23:50) It's about the, we'll talk to you next time.(23:52) Bye everyone.

Emilia Smith

(23:54) Thanks for joining us for another episode of the conscious couples podcast. (23:57) We love connecting with the conscious couples community. (24:00) So please check the show notes to connect with us and say hello on social media.

Alan Lazaros

(24:05) If you and your partner resonated with this episode, please leave us a five star review at the link in the show notes and share this with someone you love until next time, it's not about you or me. (24:17) It's about the, we'll talk to you next time.