Is There a Self-Worth Gap in Your Relationship? (233)

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What you tolerate reflects your self-worth. In this episode, Emilia and Alan talk about how a self-worth gap can affect the standards you keep, the red flags you may overlook, and the needs that can feel hard to say out loud. For conscious couples and singles, this conversation connects self-respect with healthy boundaries, honest communication, and learning to trust your own inner voice.

They also break down the difference between self-worth that comes from within and validation that depends on other people’s approval, success, or appearance. A healthier relationship often begins with the way you treat yourself when no one else is watching. Choose one truth you have been avoiding and give it a voice today.

Show notes:
(2:18) Self-worth gap in your relationship
(5:10) Ignoring red flags and your intuition
(7:07) Intrinsic Vs. Extrinsic self-worth explained
(11:43) Daily ways to build self-respect
(13:20) Self-advocacy gives self-worth a voice
(16:20) How to assess your self-worth
(24:54) Self-worth gaps that show in relationships
(30:30) Outro

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Transcript

Emilia Smith

(0:03) Conscious Couples, business partners, and individuals, welcome to the Conscious Couples podcast where we share our life, love story, and relationship expertise to help you consistently cultivate the most magnificent relationship possible.

Alan Lazaros

(0:18) Never again will you feel hopeless and alone in your intimate relationship challenges. (0:23) We'll help you have the courage to be your authentic self, communicate effectively, and constructively resolve conflict.

Emilia Smith

(0:31) Having accumulated thousands of hours coaching, speaking, podcasting, and hosting live events with Conscious Couples all over the world, Alan and I are here to guide you in all things relationships.

Alan Lazaros

(0:44) Thank you again for tuning into the one place where it's not about you or me, it's about the we. (0:55) Conscious Couples and individuals, welcome back to another episode of the Conscious Couples podcast. (1:01) Today we have episode 233, is there a self-worth gap in your relationship?(1:08) So before we jump into this episode, I want to remind everyone why we're here at the we. (1:12) We grow together, not apart. (1:14) It's right there.(1:15) For those of you not on YouTube, I'm pointing to our logo right behind us. (1:20) The point of this is to talk about important topics and to grow your relationship from the inside out. (1:27) And that only happens when the two me's improve so that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.(1:32) Okay. (1:32) So sweetheart, we had a relationship talks virtual event, ladies first, what is your intention for today?

Emilia Smith

(1:38) Yeah. (1:38) So my intention today is to pull what we learned as a community, Conscious Couples community from that event together and highlight where the discrepancy might be in the Conscious Couples that are listening to this in terms of self-worth, because there's a lot underneath that that came out in the event in the chat. (1:56) And I want to make sure that we can build on that in this community.

Alan Lazaros

(2:00) So we used a film from 2017 called The Big Sick, and it's a com-rom, which is what you have called it. (2:09) Yeah. (2:09) I've never heard that before you.

Emilia Smith

(2:11) I'm making it. (2:11) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(2:11) Okay, nice. (2:12) So it's a com-rom, which basically means it's romantic, but it's mostly comedy.

Emilia Smith

(2:15) It's way more comedy than it is romantic.

Alan Lazaros

(2:18) However, there is a character, Kumail and Emily, who have serious self-worth issues, and they get into a relationship, and we did an event where this was kind of the through line of the event. (2:32) And you had a quote that you said in the event that I thought was world class.

Emilia Smith

(2:35) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(2:36) And it is, you do not rise to the level of your standards. (2:40) You fall to the level of your self-worth. (2:43) And I guess what I want to start with, and we have discussion questions here.(2:47) Each of us. (2:48) What I want to start with is, what does that quote mean to you, but also to anyone listening?

Emilia Smith

(2:56) Yeah. (2:56) So essentially, Kumail and Emily were the great examples of the fact that they want to have a great relationship, and they want to be the best partner that they can be to one another, but that want to and are able to, there was a big gap in that. (3:11) And why that gap existed was because of the self-worth that they had.(3:15) Both of it was in the garbage. (3:16) So while they wanted to maybe be a better partner, they were literally unable to. (3:21) So what that quote means to me is essentially, we can want to become better all we want.(3:25) We can want to become a better partner. (3:27) But if we're not actually working on that intrinsic self-worth and increasing our identity in tandem with that, you're not necessarily going to have the skill sets or the capacity to be able to be that better version of yourself with your partner. (3:42) So you can try to do all the little things that matter.(3:45) But if your self-worth is still in the gutter's gutter, you're going to try and fail and try and fail and try and fail. (3:51) And that's not ultimately going to help your relationship. (3:54) So all right.

Alan Lazaros

(3:59) One of the scenes where they got in their first huge fight, she realized that there was a bunch of red flags that she had neglected because you just went from the frame of like building your own self-worth to be a better partner. (4:13) To me, that seems a little bit more like self-belief, developing skills, trying to be a better partner for someone else. (4:18) We're talking about standards and self-worth from the sense of like she let red flags go for a really long time.(4:25) And then she found out that essentially, he had been being set up with all these arranged marriages from his mom. (4:33) And he had been like dodging the opportunities that she had to meet his family because his family, it turns out, is alarmingly racist and not willing to let him marry a white girl. (4:47) And she freaks out when she finds this out and essentially finally leaves him and realizes that she neglected a bunch of red flags prior to that.(4:56) And I think it's because of her low self-worth, right? (4:59) So can we explain it from that frame of like, you get what you tolerate based on your self-worth. (5:05) So talk to us about standards and self-worth from that frame.

Emilia Smith

(5:10) So Emily, because her self-worth was low, she even though, and we mentioned this in the event, but this happens all the time in relationships, your intuition, something will signal that you should maybe speak up to your partner or maybe say, hey, why have you been dodging my family? (5:28) Or I've been wanting to introduce you to my friends and it seems like every single time you're not available. (5:33) Like what's going on with that?(5:34) Someone with higher levels of self-worth would be open to inquiring and being curious about that and confronting of that because they have the level of self-respect and deservancy inherently within them to where they're not just negotiating with that signal and just steamrolling over their intuition that is essentially throwing up a red flag.

Alan Lazaros

(5:53) So a woman with low self-worth like Emily in the film would just override that intuition and just let him kind of neglect the parents meeting and them meeting each other's parents. (6:04) Whereas a woman with high self-worth would say, why do you keep dodging these opportunities to meet my family? (6:10) Yeah, she wouldn't tolerate it.(6:11) And why won't you introduce me to your parents?

Emilia Smith

(6:13) Right. (6:13) There needs to be an explanation here. (6:16) And if you're not willing to bring an explanation that has any logical sense, then I'm likely going to reconsider this relationship.

Alan Lazaros

(6:25) And it's like when you have a red flag come up, what you're supposed to do is talk about it and see if it actually is a red flag. (6:32) Because sometimes it's a red flag that's just a fear that's not valid. (6:36) You did validate dissipate early in our relationship.(6:38) You taught me validate dissipate. (6:39) So if a red flag comes up, we talk about it and we go, oh, that's actually nothing. (6:43) We're all good.(6:45) And someone with high self-worth would bring it up. (6:47) Someone with low self-worth wouldn't. (6:49) I see that a lot as courage, too.(6:50) But maybe the self-worth is the precursor to even noticing that you should bring it up.

Emilia Smith

(6:57) Yeah. (6:57) So the discussion question that I had for this one, I think is beautiful to weave in here because I had brought up what's the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic self-worth? (7:07) And I want to talk about the intrinsic part.(7:09) So intrinsic self-worth. (7:11) Let's just talk about like self-worth in general is this deep, inherent belief that you have about yourself and that you are worthy and deserving of love regardless of your external status, approvals, et cetera. (7:23) And so when someone has and cultivates and consistently nurtures that core belief about themselves, that they are inherently lovable, they are deserving of love, they are deserving and worthy in this world.

Alan Lazaros

(7:37) Which is your relationship with yourself, essentially.

Emilia Smith

(7:39) Correct.

Alan Lazaros

(7:39) Correct.

Emilia Smith

(7:40) And if as you develop that and steward that, you end up noticing those little tiny moments and because you're deserving and worthy of love, that because-ness essentially translates into behaviors to uphold the level of self-worth. (7:58) So, for example, because I hold that belief, I hold a high belief of self and I believe deeply in my bones that I am worthy and deserving of love regardless of whatever accomplishments or people that are in my life, regardless of that. (8:12) If there's something that my intuition is sending up as a red flag, I'm going to clock that and say, hey, I need to listen to this.(8:19) This is a really important signal because it's coming from within. (8:22) And so that signal, then I give it a voice and I say, hey, what's going on here? (8:26) There's been this behavior.(8:28) This is noticeable. (8:28) And so I'm actively not avoiding that signal and pressing it down. (8:32) People who have low levels of self-worth, they don't listen to their intuition because they don't trust themselves deep down because they don't believe that they are inherently worthy or deserving or lovable of trusting themselves.(8:46) And so people who have lower self-worth and don't actually build a belief of deeper self-worth, they can't even get to the, oh, there's raising a flag. (8:55) Like it literally just is stuffed. (8:57) What's the simplest explanation for extrinsic versus intrinsic self-worth?(9:01) Intrinsic is something that is, first of all, it's intangible, meaning it's inside of you. (9:07) It's not anything that you can put your hands on, like a book, for example. (9:12) And intrinsic self-worth is nurtured through the thoughts, the emotions and the feelings that you have about yourself.

Alan Lazaros

(9:19) It's your relationship with yourself that no one else can see.

Emilia Smith

(9:21) For example, like your self-talk, right? (9:23) Or like when you fail, are you going into self-shame or are you going into like, that's really OK, like we're good. (9:29) We're going to learn from this next time.(9:30) Another thing is the validation. (9:33) Are you self-validating or are you looking to receive that from someone else? (9:38) Extrinsic self-worth is essentially you are dependent upon an external thing like social status or the job, popularity, approval from others, et cetera, to essentially put, yep, looks, anything really, like how many books you have in your library or like how many cars you have, like you are putting the quote unquote qualifier of your worth.(10:00) What if they're leather-bound?

Alan Lazaros

(10:04) Ron Burgundy, I have many leather-bound books. (10:06) I don't know.

Emilia Smith

(10:09) You're putting that mark in the hands, essentially, of the external world around you, which is always going to be shifting and changing and you don't have full control over it. (10:17) So it's an unwinnable game. (10:19) And that's why a lot of people, right, like this is kind of jumping just a micro hot step, but I want to go here.(10:24) That's when you have a lot of the boomer and Gen Xer generation, when they are hitting their midlife crisis, they've gotten the boats, they've gotten the cars, they've gotten all these externalities to try to increase their sense of self-worth and self-esteem. (10:36) But yet they feel ridiculously hollow inside. (10:38) Why is that?(10:39) Because they've focused on the external success at the expense of their internal success and internal sense of intrinsic self-worth.

Alan Lazaros

(10:47) So how do we convince people, this is a hypothetical question, how do we convince people to cultivate worth from within? (10:55) Because I'm not convinced that people know that their dream home and dream car, like I have the woman of my dreams, we're about to get the car of my dreams, our dreams. (11:06) Home of our dreams, like we're achieving our dreams.(11:10) And I think a lot of people that are extrinsically driven don't realize that if you do it from the inside out, all your dreams will be an inevitable byproduct of that. (11:21) And I actually am not even convinced that that's the case anymore, because I know some people who have great relationship with themselves, but they don't know the economy.

Emilia Smith

(11:29) Correct. (11:29) They don't know business.

Alan Lazaros

(11:31) So you need both. (11:32) Right. (11:32) And that's why self-belief versus self-worth is so important to understand.(11:34) We're going to focus on self-worth today. (11:36) Keeping the promises you make to yourself, trying to reach your own potential, building self-respect by doing hard things by choice.

Emilia Smith

(11:43) Trying to figure out what your values are and making sure that you're staying in alignment, all those things that are building. (11:48) Like, I just want to add it into that because it's so powerful. (11:50) Like you and I, we operate within integrity of our values every single day.(11:55) And whenever there's a swerve, we are naming that and going back and trying to analyze from like a loving scientific standpoint of like, OK, what happened there? (12:02) Why did we swerve? (12:03) What happened?

Alan Lazaros

(12:03) Well, I think when we don't take the high road, not just we, but everyone, all human beings, when you take the cowardly way out or you don't speak up, you teach yourself that you're not. (12:15) You lose self-respect.

Emilia Smith

(12:16) You're not deserving of speaking up for it, that's essentially what you're teaching yourself and which is just it's like it's like a notch in the jar of like lower self-worth, lower self-worth. (12:27) You're just constantly putting notches in that jar, marbles in that jar, and eventually like it's just going to bust.

Alan Lazaros

(12:32) I picture someone being bullied and you witnessing it and someone's being really treated unjustly. (12:39) And then you step in and like tell the bully to shut it.

Emilia Smith

(12:44) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(12:44) You stood up for that person. (12:46) What we're saying here is you have to do that for you. (12:49) Love it.(12:50) And she does that in that moment and she finally takes back her powers like I'm out of here. (12:54) And then later throughout the film, he builds self-worth and then they end up sort of meeting again towards the end. (13:02) But now from a place where they can actually win because they have self-worth cultivated from within.(13:08) OK, so my discussion question is, may I comment on that for just a moment?

Emilia Smith

(13:12) Of course. (13:13) The self-advocacy in that, what I found, I'm curious to see what your thoughts are on this. (13:20) As you, and self-worth is a constant process.(13:23) I like to think of it like a garden as always. (13:25) But like as you develop and steward and garden your own sense of self-worth every single day, it's something that you tend to. (13:33) What I've noticed is that people, as they increase like a notch up on their self-worth, that bully example is one.(13:40) As you do that, in proportionality, there's a lagging skill that has to be focused in on, which is self-advocacy, which is essentially voicing it. (13:48) Have you also noticed that every single time there's a notch up in self-worth, there's usually some degree of a need for a notch up in self-advocacy, which is the voicing of your self-worth?

Alan Lazaros

(13:58) I think this is why I think self-improvement and personal development and personal growth is so not popular. (14:05) I think it's because as you get better at it, it actually makes everything harder. (14:10) So the more self-worth that I build, so I had a friend reach out kind of a dig toward me and I called him out, which took courage.(14:19) And I'm glad that I did because after that, he was very kind and we're good now. (14:24) But little Alan needed to see adult Alan shield bump a past bully who used to bully me around. (14:31) And that ain't flying anymore, sir.(14:33) We're 37 now. (14:34) What are we doing? (14:35) But what I do want to say is that didn't make my life easier.(14:39) Now I have to do that with everyone. (14:41) Right. (14:41) And so now I have this new standard.(14:42) And I think that that's the thing that. (14:46) Between of all ventures, Next Level University and The Conscious Couple's podcast, we have 3,500, something like that, over 3,000 episodes in personal development, self-improvement, personal growth, inner and outer work, mental health, professional, yeah, professional development, social development, you name it, like making yourself better, being the best version of yourself. (15:06) The more you do that, the harder your life becomes, particularly in the social world with relationships.(15:13) And so, yeah, when you when you notch up your courage, you then notch up your self-worth. (15:17) But now you see all the other places where you're being a coward, where you have to like that.

Emilia Smith

(15:21) It's like because of your identity. (15:22) And that's where that quote comes back in. (15:24) Like, OK, now I actually have to stand up for that version of me in that area, in that area.(15:29) And it's like you're kind of like backed into a corner of self-advocacy when you have high self-worth, which I think is a good thing to just know.

Alan Lazaros

(15:35) Of course, it's a good thing. (15:36) It just makes everything much more difficult. (15:39) And I think the biggest lie in the world, one of the biggest lies that I see perpetuated on social media is that success makes life easier.

Emilia Smith

(15:46) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(15:47) Success doesn't make life easier. (15:48) And I always use the metaphor of when you get to the NBA or the NFL or the World Cup, it's not suddenly easier. (15:53) You're playing the best team in the world now.(15:55) Yeah. (15:55) Stakes are way higher and it's way harder.

Emilia Smith

(15:57) Now you're playing against the best in the world. (15:59) With like everyone's eyes on you as the best in the world.

Alan Lazaros

(16:02) Yeah. (16:03) So the more success, next level university, the more I find the next level version of me, but you, anyone out there listening, the harder everything becomes to maintain that new standard. (16:15) All right.(16:15) So my discussion question, my remarkable wanted to sleep, so it's going to take a second. (16:20) How does someone figure out what their accurate level of self-worth actually is? (16:24) So in the event I stopped the event, we were on a roll and I said, wait, before we go any further, we need to assess zero to 10.(16:32) Where is your self-worth? (16:33) Then there was this whole thing of, well, intellectually or emotionally. (16:38) So it's a whole thing, another episode.(16:40) But what I do want to know is how do you actually accurately assess your level of self-worth? (16:44) Because quite frankly, this is a you versus you inner game. (16:48) And I like the bell curve.(16:50) I want to understand, like if I'm, if I pluck a hundred random people from a Walmart. (16:57) Okay. (16:58) Who has the highest self-worth and how do you tell?(17:00) Because the Walmart part was a joke from book club. (17:04) But anyways, anyone at book club will know what I'm talking about. (17:07) But anyways, so how do you actually know what are the actual indicators of high self-worth?(17:13) Because I know some dinguses who appear to have the highest self-worth, but it's not real. (17:19) It's fake and inflated and nonsense. (17:21) And it makes me want to dislike them.

Emilia Smith

(17:26) No, this is not urine. (17:28) Sweetheart. (17:32) Oh, man, that's good for anyone in audio.(17:34) All right. (17:35) I'm drinking a yellow drink, a yellow drink, and I just need to call the police.

Alan Lazaros

(17:39) Good for you.

Emilia Smith

(17:42) Yeah, nice. (17:43) So this actually is. (17:46) I hear there's some really good longevity studies on that.

Alan Lazaros

(17:48) Yeah, yeah, I bet.

Emilia Smith

(17:51) Okay.

Alan Lazaros

(17:51) So I heard that from Bear Grylls. (17:53) Just joking.

Emilia Smith

(17:55) That's good. (17:55) Okay. (17:56) So so how do we actually how do you know that?(17:58) Because it is subjective. (17:59) It is relative. (18:00) Everything is relative based on the statistical sample set that you're pulling from.

Alan Lazaros

(18:03) What are you looking for?

Emilia Smith

(18:04) What are you looking for? (18:05) So what I'm looking for. (18:07) When you see self-worth.(18:08) Okay. (18:09) So on a spectrum, on on a 10, this is like high levels of self-worth. (18:13) I think that this is obvious, but I want to make sure.(18:15) Zero is like no self-worth.

Alan Lazaros

(18:17) So where were they in the film at the beginning?

Emilia Smith

(18:20) I remember you asked this. (18:22) I think they were at Kumail was at a three. (18:28) And I think Emily was at a four.(18:29) She was just like one notch above. (18:31) And by the way, this is fascinating in social dating and and coupling. (18:36) Usually you're attracting something right close to your level of self-worth.(18:41) And knowing this is one thing that I'm just random, but I need to include it. (18:45) One thing I find is that if you're not aware of where your self-worth is and your partner's is, it is very easy to get hoodwinked and internalize their behavior, which is what Emily was doing. (18:58) She had higher self-worth, but Kumail pretended like he had higher self-worth.

Alan Lazaros

(19:02) Okay.

Emilia Smith

(19:02) He acted like cold shoulder, like it was cool. (19:04) No, that's fine. (19:05) Which is the classic anxious avoiding kind of thing.

Alan Lazaros

(19:08) He was a comedian and that whole thing. (19:09) That's a whole other thing. (19:10) I used to say this all the time in my 20s.(19:12) And again, I say this with a grain of salt, but I used to say 10s date 10s, 8s date 8s, 7s date 7s. (19:19) And I didn't just mean attractiveness as in physical looks. (19:21) I mean, I think I meant this, self-belief and self-worth.(19:25) And I said, unless there's a ton of money or a ton of insecurity. (19:29) And that's where things get wonky because or a ton of manipulation. (19:33) Exactly.

Emilia Smith

(19:34) And so, okay, continue. (19:35) Yeah. (19:35) Yeah.(19:35) I'm with you with that. (19:37) So self-worth, how do we know? (19:39) How do we see it?(19:41) One of the most difficult things that I've noticed is that it isn't as obvious. (19:47) Yeah. (19:47) People can fake it.(19:49) Exactly. (19:49) They can bluff so hard. (19:50) That's why my personally, I'm able to understand where someone's self-worth is as soon as I hear them talk.(19:56) Only.

Alan Lazaros

(19:57) So how long has that taken you, though? (19:58) Because I used to get this wrong on the reg. (20:01) And I think sometimes people with inflated ego, inflated self-worth, entitlement, it comes off as confidence to people.(20:08) Now I can catch it really quickly in their tonality and the fact that they're completely full of shit. (20:13) But I couldn't tell before.

Emilia Smith

(20:15) True. (20:16) So this is honestly, it's 31 years of the compound effect of me understanding. (20:21) But one thing that why I say that is because you were assessing self-worth at one.(20:25) Well, here's the thing. (20:26) I've said this to our clients, like, let me get underneath the hood, meaning, like, tell me what you're thinking. (20:31) Tell me what you're feeling.(20:32) Like, just open your mouth and give me your genuine. (20:34) Like, I don't want covered up thoughts. (20:37) Just like share what your genuine thoughts are, because doing that, how you speak, the word choice, the tonality, the inflection of your voice, how you're perceiving things that helps me understand essentially your beliefs about yourself, your beliefs about others and your belief about the world.(20:53) And all in between that is where self-worth lives. (20:56) So, for example, if someone's like, well, you know, Amelia, like I tried to go for that job and it just it really I couldn't I couldn't get myself to finalize the application or a client that I just got off. (21:09) She was just submitting her application for first year semester in college.(21:13) And the way in which she was just so nervous about it and sharing like I you know, this was actually a lot easier than I thought it was. (21:21) It's like, OK, well, why did you think that she I know and this is going to be a logical leap, but she has really low levels of self-worth. (21:29) And so with that low level of self-worth, she's not actually moving the belief in the behavior of taking that action alone by herself.(21:37) So her body doubling with me helped her really feel more confident and like she was worthy of actually moving the needle on her future career.

Alan Lazaros

(21:44) Let's give three indicators of each external of inflated, fake self-worth. (21:50) Body posture. (21:52) OK, so and then we're going to give three authentic, so so the first three are someone who's pretending to have pocket aces, who was awesome in high school, but not anymore.(22:08) The second one is authentic self-worth. (22:10) So I want three between the two of us. (22:13) Three.(22:13) OK, so so body posture. (22:16) Tell me about the inflated, fake body posture. (22:20) Yeah.(22:21) And tell me about the real one.

Emilia Smith

(22:23) OK, so you and I both have someone that will come to mind who had an inflated sense of self-worth. (22:29) And this person, whenever she would walk, she would be kind of like this stature. (22:36) Now, we understand why that is, but that's the inflated sense of self-worth, meaning it's not real.(22:42) It's pretend. (22:43) Exactly. (22:43) It's pretend.(22:44) But that body posture is indicative of the opposite, which is she's fearful to take up space and therefore needs to pretend like she's not by taking up more space and having an extreme opening in her body posture. (22:56) OK, so flip side, authentic body posture will communicate someone who has authentic, accurate self-worth, which is not overly inflated like Alan's doing right now, but also not like shriveled up and like a shell of themselves.

Alan Lazaros

(23:13) It's at five. (23:14) It's not overdoing it like a puffer fish, but it's also not a turtle shell.

Emilia Smith

(23:17) Exactly.

Alan Lazaros

(23:18) So it's someone at five, someone accurate. (23:20) OK, so that's number one is body posture.

Emilia Smith

(23:21) What are you thinking?

Alan Lazaros

(23:23) I'm thinking, I don't know, real quick. (23:25) One of them would be, OK, so here's one of inflated self-worth. (23:32) Someone who has an opinion about everything, who never really studies it and has never been there.(23:40) So people with inflated self-worth that's fake, I feel like they have opinions about what everyone else should do, but they don't lead by example. (23:49) That's that. (23:51) People who don't lead by example.(23:52) I had a very arrogant person try to teach me how to deadlift once. (23:57) And he was like, well, my brother was a personal trainer for a decade. (24:00) I was like, brother, you've never been in the gym in your life.(24:03) Right. (24:03) But his brother was though, so he immediately takes that on as his own. (24:07) Exactly.(24:07) And so just to get back to it, like, who are you and what are you and no one's watching. (24:13) If you have a strong opinion about something, it should mean that there's a lot of scaffolding underneath that opinion that are not only study, practice, teach, but like experiential. (24:24) And so I'm in the gym every other day with you.(24:26) We've exercised every day for coming up on we're over 1600 days now. (24:30) So, yeah, I'm going to talk fitness and I'm going to act like I know what I'm talking about because it's all I do. (24:35) But someone who does that, even though they've never actually been consistent.(24:39) Yeah. (24:40) So people who don't lead by example is inflated self-worth that's pretending to be self-belief. (24:46) And people who do lead by example and almost don't want to talk about it.(24:50) Those people have high self-belief and probably accurate self-worth.

Emilia Smith

(24:54) So that pertains to this episode. (24:56) Where's there a gap or is there a gap in self-worth in your relationship? (25:00) How might given what you just said, how might someone who's in a relationship right now thinking to themselves, OK, yeah, I'm kind of searching.(25:07) Where might there be a gap in my relationship? (25:10) Like given what you just said, where that where might that show ugly head?

Alan Lazaros

(25:14) So if someone has self-worth that appears at a 10, but only level two goals or they have self-worth at a 10, but they only have maybe level two standards for themselves, that's a mismatch. (25:29) We got to do one more. (25:30) We'll get out of here.(25:31) So we wanted to give three. (25:32) So the first one is body posture. (25:33) The second one is leading by example and a gap in what you what they say versus what they do.(25:39) What would be the third one? (25:41) Indicator of inflated self-worth versus authentic.

Emilia Smith

(25:48) I honestly like kind of go to back to the gardening analogy. (25:52) If you are if you are having and stewarding self-worth, then you are taking care of the garden. (25:59) In other words, you're taking care of your vessel, your body, your the little things that make up what you are.(26:06) You know, you appreciate your health. (26:07) You take care of it in action. (26:08) You go exercise.(26:09) You, you know, take care of the hygiene elements that are important for self-worth and preservation of such. (26:16) So the opposite of someone who has inflated self-worth, you'll see them always decked out full blown makeup, the best everything, the nails, the Louis Vuitton bag, plastic surgery.

Alan Lazaros

(26:28) Yeah, the baloney, the baloney.

Emilia Smith

(26:29) And vanity metrics, then exactly.

Alan Lazaros

(26:32) It goes all the way to and then you have some people with no self-worth who don't take care of themselves at all.

Emilia Smith

(26:37) Right. (26:37) And they don't let themselves go.

Alan Lazaros

(26:39) You know, it's a temple. (26:42) Treat your body like a temple, not a woodshed.

Emilia Smith

(26:43) Yeah, I love it.

Alan Lazaros

(26:44) Right. (26:44) And so that's a good one. (26:46) That's a really good one.(26:47) But some people are trying to fake high self-worth with all the nails and all that stuff. (26:51) And some people aren't. (26:52) Some people really do want to do their nails.(26:54) Yeah. (26:54) But you have to be able to call that out if it's way over the top. (26:58) It's most likely.(26:59) I like to think of the Hunger Games film. (27:02) If you go to the Capitol versus District 12 and there's a scene where he says it's wild in District 1, they're eating a bunch and then drinking something to make themselves throw up just so they can eat more while people are starving in 12. (27:16) And they have all the giant peacock dresses and all this.(27:20) And it's just like, have we lost? (27:22) Yeah, we've lost sight of what's important because I think the most attractive human is the healthiest human, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, not necessarily the most plastic surgery or the most vanity metrics. (27:35) Right.(27:36) And the Louis Vuitton bag and all that kind of stuff. (27:38) Right. (27:38) So it's just insane.(27:40) OK, so and obviously we're not for any of that. (27:42) So if you want to click the link in the show notes, we have a Louis Vuitton bag. (27:45) I'm kidding.(27:46) All right. (27:47) All right, sweetheart, we got to get out of here. (27:49) Next Relationship Talks virtual event is?

Emilia Smith

(27:51) Yes, so it is. (27:53) And just from August to October, I need to make sure that I say this. (27:56) Our Relationship Talks events are moving to Wednesday at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (28:01) So please note that for those who are always there. (28:05) But the next one is decluttering your relationship and eliminating overwhelm. (28:10) Nice.(28:11) So what Alan and I have have learned and have studied with relationships all the time we see this is that more often than not, couples will have this moment or this experience where it's like, yeah, it wasn't really that great, didn't really like it. (28:24) And they kind of dread these things over and over again. (28:26) But some relationships will actually have the courage to declutter those things that they dread all the time.(28:33) And it honestly liberates them and allows them to actually free themselves up for the things that they actually care about in their relationship. (28:40) So that that Relationship Talks event is going to be all about how to actually do that. (28:45) Decluttering your relationship, making sure that you're not overwhelmed as a couple and operating the way in which conscious couples do, which is growing together and not apart at a rapid rate that everyone around you is like, what are they doing?(28:58) They're like the role models. (29:00) They're the go to.

Alan Lazaros

(29:01) I want to share this. (29:02) So Emily and I, we had gone to the movies and it was kind of an S show and it was crowded and it was a whole thing. (29:09) And afterwards, you were like, I don't think I want to do that anymore.(29:12) And we instead now have a hundred and seventeen inch home theater. (29:17) That was your idea. (29:19) Projector.(29:19) It's an unfreaking believable 4K. (29:21) And now we have a way better experience because you had the courage to say, I'm no longer wanting to do that. (29:29) And so that's what we're saying in this event.(29:31) Declutter the crap. (29:32) We want to live a hell yes life. (29:34) And if something's not a hell yes, then it's a no.(29:36) Be more discerning.

Emilia Smith

(29:37) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(29:38) I think the older and older and older I get, the more and more I look back at Facebook memories, the more and more I go. (29:44) I was so naive and I did too many things that just were not that important.

Emilia Smith

(29:48) And that you didn't just love, like we want to design lives that you like, love, that you want to like, yeah, you just want to tell people about and you want to just live. (29:58) And they're so meaningful. (29:59) And when you look back at your memories, instead of pain and suffering, clutter, you're like, oh, gosh, drama in the knees.(30:05) You instead look back at the memories. (30:07) I'm like, wow, our life has become so meaningful. (30:10) Yeah, we got the weeds out of the garden.

Alan Lazaros

(30:12) So we're going to help you do that. (30:13) Do you weed your life? (30:15) All right.(30:15) And I also have Relationship Talks Coaching Inside Out program. (30:18) Emilia and I do it. (30:20) She does the inside.(30:20) I do the outside. (30:21) Reverse engineer your goals and dreams and build self-worth from within. (30:24) The first one is free.(30:26) I actually have one coming up with one of your clients I'm excited for. (30:29) All right, everyone, thank you for listening. (30:31) As always, it's not about you or me.(30:32) It's about the we. (30:34) We'll talk to you next time.

Emilia Smith

(30:35) Bye, everyone. (30:37) Thanks for joining us for another episode of the Conscious Couples podcast. (30:41) We love connecting with the Conscious Couples community.(30:44) So please check the show notes to connect with us and say hello on social media.

Alan Lazaros

(30:49) If you and your partner resonated with this episode, please leave us a five star review at the link in the show notes and share this with someone you love. (30:57) Until next time, it's not about you or me. (31:00) It's about the we.(31:02) We'll talk to you next time.