Ep. 201 - How Words Shape Your Identity & How to Update the Story You Were Given

This episode explores how the words we hear about ourselves early in life can quietly shape the stories we carry for years. We will look at why repeated labels can turn into mental shortcuts that guide our behavior without us realizing it. But those adjectives aren’t permanent.

Sometimes growth isn’t about learning something new; it’s about updating the language we use to describe ourselves. If you’ve ever wondered how certain identities stick - and how to move beyond them - this conversation offers a thoughtful place to start. 

Transcript

The first time I remember getting in trouble for talking too much, I was still in preschool. We were living on a U.S. military base in Germany.

And I got scolded and sent home–she’s always talking to everyone, they said, and that feedback became a theme and apparently a career.

My older brother was quieter. Studious.
He was “the smart one.”

And me?
She’s so cute.
And talkative! In fact, remember that time in Germany? 
And it became a funny family story.
But also part of my identity. 

It took me two decades to realize that I was also smart.

A few years later, I was six months pregnant and I was in an MBA finance class. I offered my teammates a trade: They’d do the Excel calculations and spreadsheets, I’d happily get up and do the presentation in front of the class. They were excited, I was excited.

After class, the professor pulled me aside.

“I don’t know what you do as a job,” he said, “but you should do this.”
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Talk.”

Decades after that little girl was sent home and told she talked too much, here was someone reflecting a different story.

And slowly over the years I did start talking more as part of my job. And then talking became my job.

In fact, as I am recording this I just marked five years that I have been happily talking out loud as an entrepreneur.

The Bottom Line on Top of this episode is that the words we’re given early on quietly set the ceiling of our story, especially when we mistake them for facts instead of feedback.

My early story may have started with someone else categorizing me, criticizing me, but I eventually learned how to raise the ceiling on my own story in my own terms. And I still like to remind my brother that I’m the cute and smart one. He likes that.

So why do certain words stick…and others slide right on by?

A lot ties into neuroscience.
The brain loves to be efficient, and it builds shortcuts to help process through all the daily data.

When a word gets attached to you early and often, the description becomes familiar.
And familiar gets filed by the brain into the “Must Be True” folder.

Your brain doesn’t stop every time and check for accuracy. 
It simply looks and says, “Have I heard this before?”

Repeated labels (even the ones we give ourselves) build neural pathways.

Thanks a lot science. But there’s more.
Once a label settles in, cognitive psychology shows up and brings along its pal Confirmation Bias. This is when we actively look in our environment to prove ourselves right.

So, as “the talkative one,” I started noticing how often I was talking. 

I would stop sharing sometimes after a couple comments.
Silently self-editing.
Raising my hand a little less.
Waiting to be asked.

How have adjectives turned into behavior that you have seen where you rise to meet or fall in line behind the words given to you?

If you’re “the responsible one,” you’ll start to step up and prove it. 
Same if you’re “the emotional one.”

Maybe you were:

• The smart one
• The creative one
• The athletic one
• The always late one
• The quiet one
• The difficult one

We begin organizing our behavior around adjectives that we didn’t even consciously choose. Even positive adjectives can quietly narrow us if we don’t update them. You might find yourself avoiding risks that could threaten that identity.

And here’s the sneaky part:
Most of these labels aren’t meant to be mean. 
They can start out as affectionate, casual, funny, well-meaning, just a silly story.

The words we accept however, become the lens we look through. And over time, that lens can become a ceiling.

And then, every once in a while, someone tries to hand us a mirror to tell a different story.

A teacher says, “You’re really smart, you’re really good at that.”
A colleague says, “You have real talent.”
A partner says, “You’re beautiful.”

And instead of absorbing it, we deflect it.
I’m lucky.
It was a team effort.
It’s just a good hair day.

We downplay because the old file in our brain is thicker.
It feels more established. More proven.

But here’s the thing: Adjectives are not destiny.
They are snapshots. And snapshots age.

So in the days ahead, think about what words you were given (or adopted) early on?
Which ones are you still carrying?

And has there been a time where somebody has wanted to reflect something in a mirror back to you?

Growth doesn’t always require new skills. Sometimes it just needs new language.

Updating the story doesn’t mean rejecting our past.
It means acknowledging that you’ve grown. You’re more than a few adjectives or some silly stories.

You are in charge of the words about you.

And those words can, and should, change.
Sometimes the bravest thing we do is update our own story and raise our own ceiling.

And if you ever need a mirror, I have one I’m happy to share.

And as you might know, I’m always happy to talk.