Merf: After Awhile Crocodile

This episode is a little different.

It’s not a typical Big Sexy Chat conversation… It’s something softer, heavier, and a lot more personal.

Merf joins Asherlee (co-producer & editor for Big Sexy Chat) for an honest, unfiltered conversation about her decision to step away from Big Sexy Chat and what led her there. They talk about the weight of the world right now, the reality of needing to refocus, and what it means to choose yourself in a moment where everything feels uncertain.

This isn’t a goodbye… It’s a “see you later.”

After their conversation, we take a walk back through some of Merf’s most memorable moments over the years. The laughter, the chaos, the advocacy, the honesty… all the pieces that made her such a powerful voice in this space.

Because Merf isn’t just part of this show… she helped shape it.

And that doesn’t just disappear.

So this episode is a love letter.

To her voice.
 To her impact.
 To the conversations she started and the ones she’ll keep having… just in new ways.

We love you, Merf. Always.

What You’ll Hear in This Episode

• Merf shares why she’s stepping away from Big Sexy Chat
• The realities of burnout, career shifts, and protecting your energy
• Advocacy, fat liberation, and where the work continues
• A curated collection of Merf’s most iconic, funny, and powerful moments
• A reminder that joy, pleasure, and voice matter… especially right now

Stay Connected

Big Sexy Chat isn’t going anywhere… and neither is Merf.

Follow along, keep the conversations going, and most importantly…
 Don’t let anyone steal your joy.

🌐 https://www.bigsexychat.com

Transcript

Setting The Stage

SPEAKER_03 0:00

This episode of Big Sexy Chat is a little bit different than what we usually do. It's part conversation, part reflection, part of letter. Murph wanted to share this in her own words. So, what you're about to hear is just us talking. And after that, we're going to take a walk back through some of the moments that made Big Sexy Chat what it is. And what she's brought into this space over the years. Without further ado. Hey Murph. How are you doing?

SPEAKER_02 0:38

I'm doing okay. How are you?

SPEAKER_03 0:41

You know, doing alright. World's a little heavy, a little messy, but hanging in. There is. Yeah. There's a lot going on right now. Yeah, there is. I think for everybody.

SPEAKER_02 0:54

Too much going on right now.

SPEAKER_03 0:56

Yeah, I agree. I think I think I want all of us to just take one big collective.

SPEAKER_02 1:07

We need those deep breaths so that we can get back to the executive functioning of our brains.

SPEAKER_03 1:14

I would love to executively function. So speaking of executively functioning, I wanted to bring you on to talk briefly because you have been making some big executive function decisions lately. I sure have. Yeah. So before we get into that really quick, how are you feeling coming into this to talk to people about what your decisions have been?

SPEAKER_02 1:44

Um I'd say that I've I'm anxious. Um I'm a little sad. And um just trying to be as hopeful as I possibly can be right now. Um but yeah, I think it's a it's a mixed bag of emotion for sure. That's fair.

SPEAKER_03 2:06

Do you want to tell tell me what those uh the decision is, tell everybody?

SPEAKER_02 2:14

I'm I'm gonna be taking a leave of absence from Big Sexy Chat, and um I'm gonna be focusing um on myself for a little bit and some personal items. Um I'm really trying to bolster my professional career right now because um this world is super problematic, and I don't know what the next couple steps are gonna look like and how it's gonna impact me. Um, you know, I think there's my my nine to five kind of job is heavily reliant on federal grants and um money coming in from the federal government to the state of California and then transitioning it out. And so um I have to really consider how I'm um I'm moving forward. And while I love this and I enjoy um talking to the audience and um interacting and doing those sorts of things, I need to take a back step um from this and focus in on uh the other parts of my life and be able to move forward there.

SPEAKER_03 3:30

Yeah, I understand. When when do you think you made that decision? Was this kind of just as the world was getting heavier and heavier, and you saw more of a need for your presence elsewhere?

Building An LLC And A Backup Plan

SPEAKER_02 3:42

Yeah, I I mean, I think um January like kind of hit and um things didn't really go well at the beginning of the year. Um, lots of funding cuts in my field of work and mental health. And um I realized, wow, I'm really stretching myself thin. And I also am not spending any of the time that I do have trying to focus down to better my situation if something bad were to happen. And so um I'm gonna be creating a consulting business and um gonna go LLC, which I've had to spend a lot of time learning, which is gonna be better, incorporated or LLC. Um, and for me, I think LLC is gonna work out better. Um, but I need to have a backup in case, you know, things don't work out well. Um, because I've always jumped into community behavioral health. And um that's a a a love and a passion, but it's also really risky because um when you don't have administrations that support it, it makes it really, really difficult to wonder am I are is the organization gonna have enough money to pay me? You know, those kinds of things. So I have to, I have to pull back and take care of me a little bit.

Love For Community And A Pause

SPEAKER_03 5:04

Yeah. I mean, I love hearing what this next season is gonna be bringing, you know, what you're gonna be trying to bring the world in it. And I don't want to end this on a on a note that's just kind of heavy. I would love to hear what what this community's meant to you over the last four years that you've been doing in big sexy chat.

Local Action And Fresh Voices

Keep The Conversation Going

SPEAKER_02 5:28

Yeah. Um, I don't know if I can articulate that in a way that um won't make me cry. Um I I love this work, and I'm not gonna stop this work, right? I'm still advocating um for body neutrality, fat acceptance, um, fat love, all the things, right? Um that will never cease. Um and it's not that I um feel like I'm leaving it. I feel like I'm putting, I'm hitting pause. And um, you know, I think there's an opportunity every once in a while to jump in and um share thoughts and feelings and um give updates. But I I think um, you know, it's one of those things where you think about the next generation, right? Or the next people in this um space. And I think it's time for some folks to be able to step up and try some, try some uh different avenues and use some different tools to address what we're dealing with in this in this world right now. I think you know the Ozympic craze has hit and a lot of people aren't for um fat liberation anymore and aren't for those things. And um while that's unfortunate, I don't think this space will ever um ever be a place where it's diminished or that people don't seek this out because we all know those things don't work, and the sooner you love yourself and your body, um the more likely you are to succeed. So that's my goal is to continue to bang the drum and and share that message. Um, but I think I need to do that on a local level for a little bit. And um part of that is also for me, like recharging and and having some time to really just like ooh, okay, like how do I want to tackle this era of you know, body positivity or whatever the hell we want to call it? Like it's fat liberation. And I'm hopeful that this new generation coming in will have fresh ideas and new ways to explore this. Um, because sometimes it really just feels like we're beating a dead horse, you know, like the content doesn't change, we're still singing the same message, and and I get that that's super important, but also I think hearing having your friends and like people around you that are close to you, like hearing this message um is so important. And not everybody's gonna seek out, you know, big sexy chat or seek out a podcast or things like that. Some some people do, but I think having those conversations um with your friends and neighbors is a big, a big part of this. Um, I'll give you an example. I uh I went to a conference and I was talking to my boss, and I had the opportunity to really talk to her about fat acceptance. And um, so many of the things that we were talking about, she was just like, I have I had no idea, you know, and it's it's those kinds of conversations that I want to have. Are those real, like impart some knowledge, let that person leave with information and a task. And um, you know, I think Crystal will continue to do that on a on a much more um large stage. And and you know, she's she hasn't stopped doing that for how long she's been doing this, right? I don't she's been doing this for quite some time. So I think she's gonna keep, you know, doing that. And I'm gonna scale it back and do it at a smaller, um more local level.

SPEAKER_03 9:22

I love the, I mean, I think that those, I agree with you. I think those micro conversations are where we see a lot of change. Yeah. Regardless of the the content. I think the conversations and one-on-one connection make a difference. They absolutely do. What do you want people to remember or carry with them from their time with you? Because that's going to be after this. I'm gonna be, I gotta tell you, Crystal tests me with finding all the tidbits of mirth throughout all of the seasons. So I'm gonna find some gold nuggets. But I want to know what you want people to take with them from you.

SPEAKER_02 10:09

I just want you to continue to have the conversation. Um I think that you know there's so much there's so much hatred in the world that why spend that time hating yourself or your body? You know, there's there's there's just too many things um ahead of you, so much great stuff. And if you just sit and focus on that and don't give yourself an opportunity to um to challenge it or to try something new, then um you're just repeating those same behaviors and patterns. And so um, as a therapist, I would say it's time to make a change and grow, right? Um, and so part of that is just recognizing that um your body is unique and you are unique and you matter. And I hope that you take this conversation to a local level and you start having the confidence to be able to talk about your body and other people's bodies and why nobody should be commenting on them. Beautiful.

Gratitude And A Fond See-You-Later

SPEAKER_03 11:23

I love that. I would like to add and just say that it has been. I know, first of all, I know that this is a see you later and honor goodbye. One, because I love you dearly and we become great friends through this. I am so honored to have gotten to know you and become your friend through all of this. It is probably one of my favorites things in the entire world to have gotten to spend time with you and to see you in all of your glory through so many different things and laugh with you and cherish you and love all of the moments that that make you you, and getting to share that with all of the people is is a beautiful thing. So I would like to thank you from myself and on behalf of all of Big Sexy Chat. And I am sure, quite sure that Crystal would say the same thing that she loves you and yeah, we're so glad that you're not going away. Right. We'll see you, we'll still talk to you. But thank you for everything that you brought, Big Sexy Chat, and we'll continue in the future, hopefully, to bring in a different capacity. But your voice and your heart and your mind and your spirit are one of a kind, and thank you. It would not be what it is without you. So we love you. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02 13:04

Thank you. I I'm gonna cry. Um no, I I have to I have to say, you know, the the opportunities and the things that have come about from big sexy chat, not only, you know, fun sex toys and great conversations and all those kinds of things, but the relationship that I've been able to build with you and Crystal has been really incredible. And um yeah, I I'm so grateful that you're in my life and that that's the catalyst that led to it. So um yeah, I think I think everything's gonna be just fine. I think, you know, the shift of big sexy chat, um, really focusing in on Crystal's new event um and and being able to um just take conversations to a different level. You know, I think that there's opportunity there and um the the mission never ends, right?

Tribute Montage: Sex Education & Joy

SPEAKER_03 14:08

Yeah, we'll continue one conversation at a time. Right. Thank you, Murph. Thank you. When we started pulling clips for this, we didn't realize exactly how much of Murph was woven into every corner of this show. The laughter, the chaos, the honesty, the things that made people feel seen. So we put some of those moments together. Not all of them, because that would take another four years, but enough to remind you and us what we've built here. Join us down memory lane.

SPEAKER_01 14:57

We're talking all things clitoris.

SPEAKER_03 15:00

Yay, most important thing ever.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

Waves to me. I think they should call Vibrator's mama's little helper. Yeah. The clit is really just the tip of the iceberg. The more attention I get before the whole shebang, the more intense my orgasm's gonna be. But I think because of porn or movies or books or lack of education, men think it's all about the sticking it in part. We don't just jam it in there. Take some time. Your body's a wonderland. You know, it's amazing and beautiful. Your clitoris only has one purpose to give you pleasure. Why wouldn't you want to touch that all the time? Like someone removed my clitoris, I'd rather be, I'd rather die. I don't want to stay, I don't want to stay alive. My wish for the world is that everybody, whoever's your lover, recognizes that vibrators do all the heavy lifting for them. They do all the work.

SPEAKER_02 15:54

Once I get going uh on that uh womanizer toy, it's like I I'm so exhausted afterwards because I've like screamed the house down and all the things that I'm just like, okay, well, I've like come for five minutes now.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Nobody has to know. Your kids don't have to know. You could just take care of take care of business in there. It's and it's a wonderful climax.

SPEAKER_02 16:19

I was thinking of this in a little bit of a different way than sex toys because, like you mentioned, we are aficionados and I have my tried and trues. And we've already talked about the tried and trues. So I was thinking, okay, what are some things that I do to prepare? And the first one is coconut oil. Coconut oil can be used a lot of different ways. You can use it to massage your partner and massage yourself. Um, but what I found as a periomenopausal woman, not to get a little heavy, but uh, there is some more issues that arrive with that, things like vaginal dryness, skin itchiness, that sort of thing. What I found is that I'm getting out of the shower. I'm utilizing coconut oil more on my labia. And that is really helping with any like little skin tears or anything that could potentially happen from having rough sex or from just having sex in general. You hit a wrong angle, somebody turns a little bit, and then you're like, so I have really made that a part of my routine. And it's something that makes me feel a little bit more confident just because I feel like I've got a little bit of slipperiness down there. And you know, it's good because it's 100% coconut oil, like I buy the good stuff. And having that as the preamble to the show, I think is helpful and um makes me feel good.

SPEAKER_01 17:45

If you're not gonna lick my pussy, bye. Female ejaculation is really um, it's still a taboo topic, I guess. Some people just aren't comfortable talking about it. But you know, Kim, like me, I'm just like, whatever. It's humans. If you're as long as you're leaving kids and animals out of it, I don't care what you do, I really don't, as long as everybody has consent. But let's treat people who have a people's size with respect and dignity and stop just, you know, to always prescribing us a freaking diet before.

SPEAKER_02 18:11

Even if I have something wrong with my eyeballs, I don't know a single fat person who hasn't had a traumatic experience with a doctor.

SPEAKER_01 18:18

People trust thin people more than they trust fat people for some bullshit reason. But it's just the truth it's just the truth right now.

SPEAKER_02 18:28

I'm a fat person and I deserve to live my life without harassment.

SPEAKER_00 18:32

I want the same fucking options that every other person in the United States and the world get and not have to fucking pay double the amount.

SPEAKER_02 18:43

You shouldn't look at the fat people and think that they're a failure. You should be looking at the fat people and being like, I can't even imagine the amount of trauma that individual has experienced trying to lose weight.

SPEAKER_01 18:54

You get to have hot sex too. And sexual fat people are sexual beings as well, and we all deserve pleasure. And all of our bodies are capable of pleasure. And where there's a will, there's a way.

Pleasure, Bodies, And Medical Bias

SPEAKER_02 19:09

So I have one thing I want to say though, is that I hope that you collect unicorns, Dr. Robert, because you are a unicorn. That is such a rare feat uh in every fat person's experience that I've ever heard about is having a medical provider that treats them like a human and not whatever the scale number says. So, Asherley, that's your job is to get him a unicorn that he can put up in his office. Oh, you mean being a member of the perfect breast club? There was yeah, there was some uh polyamory um themes to it. And so that was interesting. And we're not really talking plus size here. And if if y'all aren't okay with her, like you're really not gonna be okay with me.

SPEAKER_01 20:00

We're fucked. We're so screwed. But all those beautiful fatties and their bikinis and bathing suits dancing and frolicking, and we don't ever get to frolic. Man, we just don't.

SPEAKER_02 20:10

We're gonna change the culture, then it has to be something where people feel safe to go out in a two-piece and not be made fun of or you know be attacked. New York's fat beach day gives plus size people a space to be themselves. I just turned 42 years old, and um I am squirting like crazy with this thing. If I'm high and I'm doing it, like it's a million times more than any other time.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

I need to start a fat girl chapter of girls uncorked. It was a really good time. It was a swim part, like a pool party. Everybody was like naked, half naked. Right? Just accept it for who you are, just show up, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:51

We took some some concepts, some ideas, and put them all together to kind of do a fat liberation pop cult.

SPEAKER_01 20:59

Anti-fatness is rooted in white supremacy, like almost everything. And um, yeah, it gets a little uh it's yeah, it's so annoying. Don't act like it was all hard work and discipline. Come on now.

SPEAKER_03 21:10

You're hot because you're hot doesn't matter that your body is fat or not. Okay, what's up, all you fat, sexy motherfuckers? Let's go.

SPEAKER_02 21:17

Let's get that bread today. The bad fatties are the folks that are just like, I'm fat. I'm gonna live my life, I'm gonna do whatever the hell I want to do, and I don't give a shit.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

I still deserve dignity and respect, even if I'm the unhealthiest person on the planet. I should still be treated like a fucking human.

SPEAKER_02 21:35

Let people live the lives that they want to live, let them have the bodies that they have, and fuck you if you have any comment to say on mine or anybody else's.

SPEAKER_03 21:44

Let's find some good fatties. When good, not like good fatty, bad fatty, but like genuinely good fatties to follow for us. And I'm not disappointed. There's a lot of them, and they're really, really great.

Liberation, Identity, And Pop Culture

SPEAKER_02 22:00

I mean, Black Panther changed so much for so many people because here's this amazing superhero on screen talking about family lineage and understanding where you come from and ancestral trauma. Ancestral trauma and just and it was so beautiful and it was you know and talking about there's just so many layers, and that's that's what I love about it. It's like that that's going to hit a whole new generation. I have found um some really cool new items to use and try out, and um, I've been getting coaching, and I think my uh first dungeon experience of getting to be a Dom is gonna happen next week. So Hell yeah. I'm really excited for it.

SPEAKER_01 22:55

I want to know about your Dominatrix persona. Do you have a name?

SPEAKER_02 22:59

I do. It's Madam Sin. C-Y-N. But as Sin. Yeah. And so he has to call me Madam. And I love that. I was like, you're gonna do psychotherapy on his balls? Like, what? That little dungeon was hot.

SPEAKER_01 23:17

Just$100,000 worth of sex furniture is all I need. I don't care what's going on, the world can be burning down around me. I still have to have some fat joy. Does it make sense to have sex with one person your entire adult life? I don't know. Good luck trying to find one person to fulfill every single one of those physical or emotional needs for like 50 years or whatever stupid idea is.

SPEAKER_02 23:40

It originated in the 70s um from gay male cruising culture. And putting it out meant you were into putting out a certain bandana in a certain color meant that you were into that sexual activity. So, like um yellow meant water sports, red meant fisting, uh, black was BDSM, green meant that you would pay for sex.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

Well, we all got here the same way, and that means also we're all gonna have old sex. I'm fat, no shit, motherfucker. And by the way, I'm unapologetic about it. That's right. I'm a liberationist. If it was about health, there would be no before and after photo.

SPEAKER_02 24:21

This would be I'm gonna let God fix it, because if I fix it, I'm going to jail.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

Like the whole table that recharges all of your sex toys at one time.

SPEAKER_02 24:29

Everything. And it's glass and it's illuminated. Like it's it's beautiful. It was a vibrating toy. So I was like, oh, so I took it off the little table and pressed the button, and the nubbin kind of it vibrates so heavily that it almost pushes up in an up motion. So when you insert it, it's basically pressing on your G spot and it's a thud toy.

SPEAKER_01 24:58

It's not a th toy. What I love is the idea that people pay you to come to see you and either maybe pay you to give you a massage or pay you for the benefit of cleaning your house. Someone's gonna pay me to come clean my house. That's hot.

SPEAKER_02 25:16

Seriously, and do it in some, you know, make a little outfit. Little outfit. The sexy undies that I bought, you know, it's like you're cleaning the house today.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

And like, I'm just gonna end it by saying, do not let those motherfuckers steal your joy.

Kink, Play, And Communication

SPEAKER_02 25:32

I was like, holy fuck, this is the best thing ever made.

SPEAKER_03 25:38

And actually, what that reminded me of is like the fact that you don't always want your partner, and some people don't have a partner. So that kind of one of the other machines that I think a lot of us know about, but don't get talked about a lot.

SPEAKER_00 26:02

Sex dolls.

Foreplay, Mindset, And Consent

Closing Playful Goodbye

SPEAKER_02 26:03

I was like, holy fuck, this is the best thing ever made. How do I buy one? Oh my god, like that was my introduction to sex dolls, and I was just like, I want to be at the girl party fucking the sex doll that doesn't talk or do anything, and I can just do whatever I want to it. So I can see where this has extrapolated with the male psyche doing this for feet. Like, if I'm that crazy turned on as like a 17-year-old, I can only imagine what some guy held up in his mom's basement is like dying to do to a silicone doll. Imagine if you had a hundred thousand dollars back then, Murph. Jesus, I I would have had yeah, I would have had both of them, a guy and a girl doll, and I would have made them fuck like Barbies. You would never have to leave the house. It was fascinating though. I remember just being like floored as a as a young teenager like watching this video, going, Holy shit, like it looked real. Seriously, there's not enough dry humping happening in the world, at least for our age range. No, maybe for teenagers, probably but I get it. So she's saying, you know, he's rubbing up against me, it's really not doing anything for me. Um, my guess is probably he's like rubbing his penis on her thigh or something like that, and then half-heartedly fingering me. So my guess is probably we're talking DJ Diddles over here, just like you know, scratching the record or something. So I I get it that she's saying, you know, it's bad at foreplay, but I'd say that mindset right there is probably already working against you. You know, if we're talking about foreplay, it's a mind game. It really's really about, you know, how you feel about your partner, how you feel in the moment, all the sexy things that have happened to get you into that mindset. And if that's not happening, that's the first problem. And that's one thing that I really like about BDSM is that you have to not only have that communication, but you also have to really hone into your partner's energy in terms of how they're experiencing whatever is happening to them while you're playing and you're having those conversations while you're doing it. Do you want more of this? Do you want less of this? Do you, you know, and so that builds. And when you've got someone who's never really explored that concept of going and talking to their partner about what they like, even an extra moan while you're doing that is indication, you know, it doesn't have to actually be verbit. It's a beautiful, it's a beautiful practice, uh, BDSM, because you really have to, you really have to understand the concept of trying things and being hey, see you later, alligator. Well, after a while, a crocodile.