Are You Too Nice for Your Own Good? - And what you can do about it!

Are You Too Nice for Your Own Good? - And what you can do about it!

In this episode we talk about being too nice for your own good. Do you find that you are too accommodating  for your own good?  Do you allow your own space and boundaries to be invaded by others? We all have responsibilities and duties but sometimes we are just too nice and this can lead to anxiety and a blow up! So how did you get to be like this and more important what can you do about it? 

Sometimes it just comes down to trying to fit in or sometimes it's just being too nice! Psychologists refer to this part of ourselves as the adaptive child and say it is learnt  behaviour to self adapt and for self preservation. We adapt as children to get our needs fulfilled. However as adults you can continue to feel like this and continue to do this as adults. Perhaps it becomes your way of interacting with the world and you fail to stand up for yourself. Sometimes you find that you are too accommodating at work and yet in your family life you are assertive and put your foot down and set boundaries. Other times it can be the other way around where you are a softie at home and your family members take advantage of this and push you to extremes. 
Sometimes you are accommodating because you wish to take control all the time! You can ask yourself the question: Am I too accommodating or too controlling? If you find that you are too controlling you can work on this and take steps to slowly let go of control for your own good.

The good thing is we can learn to do better and learn to set our limits and boundaries. Learn to ask for things and for help!  Listen to this episode of our podcast - Get Real with The English Sisters - and please share our show with your family and friends to support our work. Thank you so much for listening and for your support. We love you! Love and smiles from The English Sisters.

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Transcript

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Hi and welcome to Get Real with the Ingo System. Hello everyone. Hello. Today, what are we going to be talking about? Are you too accommodating for your own good? Oh gosh. And the number one reason this can lead to a blow-up. A blow-up and a lot of anxiety and resentment. So being too accommodating. Okay, what does that mean? That you accommodate to other people. Like you do things for other people. Yeah, you're just really just too nice. Too nice. To your own good. Nice for your own good. So you're always gonna say yes and help others and be of service to others and perhaps allow your own space to be invaded, literally. Yes, exactly. Allow your own space to be invaded and or to have no space. No space to be able to do that. No space at all. Yeah, because I mean we all know, you know, you have to there's there is self-sacrifice in many times of our life, you know. You've got children, you're growing up, you really want to be elderly parents. Exactly. There are times when you just have to do this. I think though maybe it goes hand in hand with being able to set boundaries, uh healthy boundaries. Yeah, you're really good at that because I know how good you are at that and how I have struggled with this. So that's why I'm laughing. Because you've always been brilliant at it, you know. Oh, no way. You know, and uh you wonder maybe it's a first child thing, or it's just you know, yeah. Sometimes I do want yeah, personality traits. I mean, there is that thing in psychology, they call it the adapted child, like I think that's what it's called, and it's basically you've had to adapt in order to to survive, yeah, to survive and to to to be able to, but you're not necessarily thriving, you're just simply sort of like surviving like that, and sort of accommodating to everybody else, but not really taking yourself into consideration at all, or even never. Well, yeah, I think I think um actually I remember reading that and that can be that that definitely is the case because like you feel as if you're not important enough to like have a say or like have your own needs met, but you had to fit in for self-preservation, otherwise you couldn't you couldn't you you wouldn't be able to sort of survive even if we're not in the literal sense, but just to fit in and to adapt, you wouldn't be able to. So you had to do that as a child. But why do so many of us continue to do it as adults? Do you think it becomes like a habit of just being accommodating? I think it probably does. I think it's more for women do it. Yeah, I think it it becomes your way of interacting with the world, of just being really accommodating all the time. But it can also be cool that you're a pushover. Oh, yeah, definitely. Well, I think yeah, people can just do what they want with you, kind of thing. Gosh, yeah, push over. Yeah, they can. They can literally push you over and just uh especially like at work and things. Yeah, they do say that they get you to always do the always stay late, always do that extra task, always put you on an extra project. Yeah, take a moment, think about it, and to yourself. Yeah, you too accommodating, yeah, yeah, for your own good. Does this happen to you at times? Exactly. Sometimes you might be just too accommodating in your family life, like in your personal life, but then you can be really quite confident at work. Exactly, or vice versa. Sometimes you're just really just too accommodating at work, and you're just like, oh god, I just do anything to to you know to adapt and to please. Whereas in your family life, you're very determined, so maybe you can't they can be like sectioned off. It can definitely be sectioned off, yeah. It it doesn't always have to be the whole no encompass everything in your life. No, it could be just in one area. Well, like for me, I was so accommodating with my family, like with my partner. But then when it comes to business, I'm so assertive that sometimes you say that it's unusual. Yeah, you say, gosh, I'm shocked. But sometimes do you remember at the beginning when we actually started working together over that is true, that is unusual. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. It's not just in it's not the whole aspect, it could be just certain things that you're particularly like accommodating, and yeah, and you really want to make the others happy, like whether it could be with your kids or with your partner, and uh you really kind of want to be liked so much there and loved that you will be like over-accommodating, and and it can be difficult to put your needs first in one area of your life and not in others. I mean, I've I've just thought of it because I I realize that I was like that. I am becoming more assertive, more assertive now, and saying no, that doesn't make me happy. Yeah, in my pain, in the other life, I didn't need it in my business life. I'm very assertive, and I really know what I want and what my goals are and what we have to get together in all of our businesses, the other business as well. So I really don't feel like I'm accommodating at all, but but at home, oh it's like a different thing, you know, softy, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. So really I've had to learn. It's been part of a process. The the the thing is that if you you you are too accommodating for your own good, it can also end up that you just like you have either have a mental breakdown, you have a breakdown at the end because you can't cope, or you uh blow up and you might end up hurting someone unintentionally because you don't you don't really think, you know, at the minute you've just had enough and you just blow your top. Yeah, and then they think yeah, and they have no idea because they don't even realise that they're using it. I just asked you to do that, or I don't know, go and pick this up and that, and you think it's also you don't like to say I'll do this for you today, but then you do something for me tomorrow. You don't like to feel not in your personal life for tat, no, do you? Not really, no, it's not very nice, but then life is making given taken. Then if maybe if you make people more aware of the fact that you are actually, you know, doing them a favour, helping them out, uh maybe if you if there's a way of saying it like that, okay. This time I'll help you out because I can, but maybe next time I won't be able to do. Yeah, I mean, I think like if you're in the in the business world or you're working, it can be sort of more normal to do that. Okay, yes, you can do this this time, but next time I won't be able to help you on your project, yeah. Or whatever. No, I I'll see you today, but I won't be able to see you tomorrow, blah blah. But when it's like at home, it becomes like the boundaries aren't quite especially clear, you know, like we've had kids, now the kids are adults, we know they don't listen to this podcast, but if they do, hey, they do you're all grown up, you're adults now, and we've had to set different kinds of boundaries, haven't we? Yes, yes. Because otherwise, especially if they're still living with us, and I and I found that I was just too accommodating, you know, saying, sure, do this, have a you know, I don't know. It's it's um I've learned how to not be so nice and and and to feel better, ultimately, definitely. So in the end, it'll make you it makes you a nicer person. Yes, absolutely, it makes you a nicer person because you're more you're happier, you're more fulfilled, you're more fulfilled, you can be more relaxed, not so overworked, yeah, yeah. Not so overworked, more relaxed. So, but I think well, this is for me, but I think for you out there, I bet it's more or less the same thing. Come on, if you're too accommodated, people I think it happens to uh uh uh all of us at some point or other in our lives, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, and it's not really just uh depending on what sex you are or whatever. I I just think it's a human behavior, yeah. It's just a human behaviour, really. It can happen to anybody. I do think it happens more to women though, because we have been brought up like that to be accommodating culture, to culture, to look after people, to take care of people, to to do to multitask a lot more, to do more. Even though, you know, we grew up in London, it was very, you know, it was very avant-garde at the time, and it was very fair, and if anything, they're talking more about feminism now and everything, yeah, than they were then, because it was just we just took it that we were like equal to men, we did have equal roles and everything. But I do think that uh that that women do take on a lot more than men, and because they feel that they should. Yeah, because I think it's been like culturally embedded in us. I mean, I'm thinking again about my personal because if I I'm thinking like of my hubby, he is so accommodating at work. I mean, he's like a bit of a pushover for clients, he'll do anything for the client, like stay late, do this, and I'm having to teach him not to be so accommodating. But at home, if it's I say go cut the grass or say, No, I don't feel like cutting the grass. I mean, he's very oh sure, he's assertive at home, he knows what he wants to do, the opposite. Yeah, and and so I think that's also maybe a cultural thing because, like in in commerce and being a tradesperson, you had to like say, Oh, the client always comes first, you know, to the point of just just being a being a pushover, really. Sometimes I say, come on, you've got to be more assertive here. You know, I think it it it's funny, so I think it could be like this this gender thing, where at times it happens to one gender more at work or one gender more at home. What do you think? Yeah, I'd love to hear from you. We would love to hear from you because it is a bit of a tricky thing, being nice but not being too nice, and then you have to realize that this is something that you do. I think you have to say, Yeah, it's true, I am like that. I think at the end of the day, if you're finding you that you're saying that's getting on my nerves, or if somebody starts getting on your nerves, then you may you know just take it back a step a step and say, Well, what happened for that to have that happen? Yeah, you know, what happened? What did someone ask me to do? What did someone say? What did someone do? Where was the where was the boundary sort of it was too much? Was there a boundary? Was there no boundary in the first place? Didn't I maybe I didn't set a boundary and they didn't even know about it? Sometimes you have already set the boundary, but the people just decide to break it because some people don't respect boundaries and you have to really keep repeating over and over again. Isn't it? Yeah, yeah, until they finally get it. Because if you say no once and but then you keep saying no in the end, everyone really gets it. They get it because you won't if you don't do it, because you don't do it. If you say no a couple of times, and the third time you just go and do it, whatever, I'll go and do that washing again or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like in the home, yeah, yeah. The classic situation, yeah. You say do your washing, do that, and then you end up doing it. Yeah, yeah, because you want to not because you want to, but yeah, sometimes it's also about control, so you have to let go of control, and you think you're being too accommodating, but you're just too controlling, so that's also a question. Am I being too controlling? That's a good one, yeah, or am I just uh am I too accommodating? So wonder a little bit about that, yeah. Because that's something to wonder about, really, isn't it? I think so. Yeah, I think you've hit it on the nail there. Yeah, because sometimes you think, am I too accommodating or am I too controlling? So sometimes you're just too controlling, yeah, and you don't want to just let go. And you you yeah, but are we getting confused here? Not really. No, no, I think that's a good point. It comes hand in hand because it's not always too accommodating. It's almost you want to take control of the situation, especially in the home, I think. In the home, more yeah, oh no, at work as well. You say, no, let me do it because you'll know you'll be doing it perfectly, and then the the the the apprentice or the other person that is it are you too accommodating for your own good? Is it still does that still apply in that case? Yeah, that's what I mean. No, maybe not. Maybe maybe it does, yeah. Kind of it's human psychology is so intertwined, it's very difficult to separate topics like we're doing in this podcast because really it's all mingled. Yes, it's it's such a mingle of emotions, everything's so it is. Yes, it's you're too accommodating sometimes. It could be you don't you can't make decisions as well, like we said in the other podcast. You just don't know. You sit at a coffee shop and you ask somebody, would you like tea or coffee? And they say, Oh, and they wait for you to decide what you're gonna have, yeah. Tea or coffee, and you say, But surely wondering if you're accommodating because you want them to decide, or is it because no, whatever they have, I'll just have it, you know, because you're you know, so I think if you are like that, then you should really start understanding that make your decisions and and learn how to make even small decisions like that, and then step by step, step by step, definitely, and then start asking for things as well, like at home, asking the relationship you have, ask that person, hey, can you make me a cup of tea or coffee and see what happens? Even things like that, you know. I think that can really help. I can't I thought you were gonna say that was silly. No, I think it can really help because it's like, hey, can you get me? Can you get me the water or can you get me this? It's like they're forced to get something for you and then say, Oh, yes, that was an effort. Well, whether it was an effort or not. Yeah, but they might think that, and then they might think, oh, that would but that was nice, yeah. And then the next time doing that for me, yes, exactly. And I appreciate it more now. Yeah, when I make it for them, oh that's nice as well. Yeah, to have these little habits of saying that changes, yeah. I want to have my breakfast in bed, for example. Like I always used to make my husband bring my breakfast in bed every day for like 20 years, and then he rebelled, yeah. Then he just suddenly rebelled one night. And I thought, what the hell? I want my breakfast in bed, he said. And I thought, well, okay, yeah, that's fair, you know. Okay, I I brought it to him, it was a big effort, but in the end I did it. And now, every now and then it's like we're always have breakfast together, but it's not in bed anymore. Sometimes I'll bring it to him in bed. But when he brings it to me in bed now, I really appreciate it more than before because yeah, I was getting quite spoilt at it. It was like becoming a little habit. It was a habit. It was a habit, yeah. It was sweet. I've I've forgotten about that. I'm gonna ask for that interview. I'm gonna ask for that again for a fright. No, he won't. He actually quite likes it, he's really sweet. He'll go to the bakery. Oh well, yeah, he actually quite enjoys it. Well, I don't know, he won't want to do it every day, but he'll do it like on a weekend or something. Exactly, definitely. And you have more time, yeah. Yeah, it'll be sweet, but yeah, I mean, asking for things like that, like me, I don't think I would do that, like uh become more and more accommodating in that in my personal space. So I'm gonna do that now as a little exercise. I'm gonna say, I want my breakfast in bed again. It's uh I've just thought of it now, like because I'm working on myself. But yeah, but that's not becoming more accommodating. No, I mean no, it's the opposite of it's all not more accommodating. That's you know, just using this for your anchored here. The podcast has turned sinister, it's taken a sinister stent. No, it's not a sinister stent, it's because I was saying before I was too accommodating in the home. Like I'm the caretaker, I'm the one that plans the meals and and and makes the coffee. Come on, you're always telling me, yeah. And so I'm thinking, you know, asking for things again. Exactly. Yeah, because you I I forgot about it to tell you the truth. I forgot to ask. I forgot to ask, yeah, because I'm accommodating. That's why I'm too accommodating for my young good at home. At home, there you go. And you're not, are you? Neither at home. Sometimes sometimes you are, I think we all are a little bit. I think I am as well. But I'm more assistant. Oh no, you're always asking for things. Not anymore as much. I used to be more asking for things. Yeah. Maybe you have to ask for more as well. Yeah. I do forget about because we've both been in relationships for over three years. I think when you've been in a relationship for a long time, you tend to do a lot of things just sort of matically as well, and you don't even think about it. That's a shame, really. But but but but I do set boundaries. Yeah. To share the tasks. The tasks? You're very good at that, aren't you? Yeah, to share because otherwise I do think you feel overburdened. You do feel overburdened. Yeah, like all the housework and everything, a lot of it is shared in our household. We all share it. Yeah, that's great. Whereas you don't do it. No. It's mostly. No, I do it. And that's it. I mean, I love washing, putting a washing machine on. That's like my obsession. So I do love I love doing what I love hanging out the clothes. I mean, that the here in Italy with this sunshine and they dry. I don't know. I mean, I've got like I love seeing this clean clothes thing, so I do love that. So, okay, that's one thing I love, but I don't particularly love other things, you know, like shining and polishing and that. I'm not that crazy about that, so yeah, that would be nice to have it more shared. Well, you're staring the dishwasher and things at it. Yeah, I just do that all by myself, you know what I mean. That's not on, isn't it? No. No, we all have a turns for that. Yeah, and that's just because I don't ask really. He just goes off and then finds his breakfast ready, my husband. Yeah, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky him. No more. He's going to bring it to me now. I will not be too accommodating for my own good in your own households. Are you too accommodating? Do you have this where you tend to do everything? Yeah, because it is nice. It is nice. Afterwards, you feel so you feel more loving, don't you? You feel loving and you feel you feel happier, more content as if your needs have been uh I think sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish and not so accommodating to feel better, and then in when you feel better, I think everyone feels better around you. And then you don't tend to have that explosion where you just get really angry or start shouting or something. Yeah, I don't really do that. No, because I think you're too accommodating. So I I'm so accommodating you don't even get angry unless you really it really is too much. But when? When is it too much? Well, sometimes it nearly was. Oh yeah, the other day it nearly was. And like I like a couple of years ago when I said to the grown-up kids, I'm not doing your laundry anymore because it's since I like doing laundry, but then one day I just thought, gosh, this is just overwhelming. There's just so much of it. I can't handle it. So I'm working and doing the laundry, it was so much, it was like a laundromat in this house. A launderette, yeah, it's terrible, but yeah, I mean, anyway, yeah, you've got to learn. I think it's step by step, asking for things, they're life lessons. Yeah, you've got to learn, ask for things, think about it. You too accommodating for your own good. That's it. For your own good is the important part because you can be accommodating, yes, of course. That's that's lovely, yeah. That's lovely because you're nice and you're accommodating, okay, great. But if it's too much for your own good, then it means it's doing you bad, and it's not doing you any good. It's not helpful anymore. No, no, so you've got to ditch it, you've got to learn to be yes, more assertive and and ask for for things. Start small, and then you'll be asking for a holiday, and you know, anybody thing is that then you all enjoy it. Oh, you all enjoy it and people appreciate you more, I think, and you're a little bit more demanding. Oh, I think so, definitely. Because they feel safe. But I think, yeah, I think that's I think that's ugly. Yeah, that's the ugly truth, in it. Ugly truth. Because the ugly truth once more is that you think you're accommodating and it's doing you well, but in the end it's it's not serving you, it's not serving others either. Because if you're doing everything for them, they don't have the joy in doing it for themselves. And they don't learn and they don't grow, and whether yeah, outside or inside your personal world, it's the same thing. They don't grow, they don't learn. You don't give them a chance to learn exactly at work in the business. If you're always taking on everybody else's stuff and being really accommodating, how are they ever gonna learn? Yeah, they think that you're helping them in that moment, but you're not really always sometimes you are. Sometimes you are, yeah. You can help, but not do it for them. Uh-huh. That's the thing. Oh well, have we wrapped it up once again? I think we have I think we have wrapped it up. Please follow us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, and do come and watch on YouTube as well because we do make a video recording. We do, and yeah, let us know whether you're too accommodating for your own good, what your thoughts are on it, and what you're gonna change if you what you're gonna ask for. Let us know. Bye, bye bye, lots of love and smiles from the English sisters. Bye.